Nagging Issues in Marriage

We’re told in the Bible that marriage is a “mystery.” And it is! You don’t have to be married very long to know that. So, here’s one of the many “mysteries” of marriage. How do you work through the nagging issues we come across that get us SO angry and yet “sin not”? We’re talking about events where we’re tempted to nag or feel “called” to nag our spouse again and again to the point where we’re seething mad! How could they keep doing that to us? We just don’t understand!

We’re told in the Bible that we can be angry; but the requirement is that we “sin not.” Yet how do we do that when our spouse keeps doing something after we ask them not to more times than we can count? We feel he/she is either ignoring our “requests” or is forgetting repeatedly. Either way, we’re angry because we feel unheard, undervalued, and frustrated. Those nagging issues get to us—BIG time!

Has this happened to you? It sure has happened to us, even after all these years of marriage. As a matter of fact, it happened in a BIG way the other day. I (Cindy) walked into the house after being out for a while. Steve wasn’t home at the time, but his “droppings” were. That’s what I call them—little messes that he leaves behind that show me he was there. And I can’t say that they are endearing to me! As a matter of fact, when I saw the mess, he left on the counter I got angry. I was tired, and just wanted to come home and relax. Instead, I was faced with a mess that did NOT make me feel relaxed—just the opposite.

Nagging Issues

I immediately reacted in anger. I started yelling out to God how angry I was at Steve. I said, “How many times have I asked him to clean up after himself? How could he leave this mess here and think that this was, okay? I love him Lord; but I’m fed up! He knows this kind of thing upsets me. How can he tell me he loves me and yet he repeatedly disrespects me in this way? I was infuriated!

And then, right in the middle of my rage, God stopped me. He said within my thoughts, “Give him grace.” I was shocked and snapped back, “Are you kidding? Steve is totally wrong in this!” And then God gave me these words, “That’s what I give you and people all over the world. They tell me they love me, but they don’t do the things that they know I want from them! You do this too. And yet, I’m supposed to believe you love me.”

It was good that Steve wasn’t there because I needed some time alone with the Lord. When Steve came home, I told him what happened. And yes, I did give him grace (after we talked further about this situation). He was truly sorry for putting me in this place. And yet, I now can see that this was one of those God teaching situations. I/we do tell God we love Him, but our actions often speak something else. The Apostle Paul talks about this in the Bible when he wrote, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (We encourage you to read Romans 7 in its entirety for context.)

Contradictions of Words and Actions

Haven’t we all been there? We do the very thing we don’t want to do and shouldn’t do, and yet we say we love God. Doesn’t this also apply to our situations with our spouse? Of course, there is a lot more to this theologically, but we feel compelled to get back to the subject of nagging issues in marriage.

Does this mean that we just ignore it when our spouse repeatedly does things that we’ve asked them to do or not do? Usually not—sometimes, but usually not. However, each situation is different. It’s important to note that irritations happen in marriage. And when they do, we need to work them out in ways that will best resolve the situation—given the complexities of those involved, so nothing separates us.

Sometimes you’re the nagger and sometimes you’re the “naggee”. And sometimes extra grace is needed to be given no matter what side of the situation you’re on.

It’s also important to realize that some situations will not be completely resolved. There are times and situations when we just have to let it go or it will tear our relationship apart. We’re told in the Bible, “As far as it be within you, be at peace with all men.” It’s important to always keep that in the back of our mind. Let’s not forget to apply kindness and grace whenever possible.

Different Approaches

Sometimes we confront, and sometimes we are to let go of a situation. Sometimes nagging may have to happen or “reminding” over and over again. Other times it’s important to release and let go of our ownership of the matter. Let go and let God.

This goes along with something that Stormie Omartian wrote concerning nagging issues,

“When I nagged, Bob’s ears had an auto-off switch that activated instantly. I knew I wasn’t getting through! When I stopped trying to make Bob work on my timetable, he was free to respond to the Lord’s leading and discipline. Giving my expectations to God let me rest. But I had to trust that God would get through to Bob. And if He didn’t, then there was certainly no way I’d be able to.”

So, what can you do when you are confronted with nagging situations? You talk to and listen to the push and pull of the Holy Spirit. You continually draw near to God every single day so when these types of problems arise you can better hear what God is telling you to do. Sometimes anger is involved and sometimes not. But giving forgiveness and NOT clinging to bitterness is always important. If not, you will become a prisoner to all the enemy of our faith wants to throw at you.

Now, we hope all of this has been clearer than mud. We realize that we haven’t given you concise advice on what to do with those nagging issues. But we do hope you have picked up a few tips that can help you.

More Tips for Nagging Issues

And if you want a few more tips, here are a few additional articles you can read through:

• To Say Something or Not: THAT Is the Question

• I Am Not a Nag Am I?

And here’s something written by Robert Moeller:

• The Nagging Habit

Above all, remember the love and grace that God gives you. Go and give as God gives. Live within your marriage as we’re told to do in 1 Peter 3:8-9:

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.“

We pray you inherit God’s blessing in your marriage.

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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