Earlier last year we sent out a Marriage Insight on the subject of Love Accepts Many Imperfections… and yes, it does. There’s no way that you can be married any length of time and NOT see a myriad of “imperfections” in your spouse popping onto the scene.
And if you can’t in some way work out these differences so that you aren’t battling about them continually, it can chink away at your love relationship —sometimes even destroying it. So, we want to visit this subject a bit more because little irritations can very well usher in bigger problems if they aren’t handled right.
There is SO MUCH that we can add to this subject, but here are just a few more thoughts that we hope will help you.
Concerning Irritations in Marriage:
“The plain truth is that it’s impossible for two human beings to live together for any length of time and not hurt each other. All too often life gets in the way of living.
If the struggles of marriage were isolated to the minor irritations that come along with being imperfect, we would probably all have great marriages. But minor irritations can grow into major problems —and major infractions can break your heart.” (Bill & Pam Farrel, from the book, Love, Honor & Forgive: A Guide for Married Couples)
Of course, what we see as irritations or imperfections coming from our spouse most often aren’t viewed the same way, from each of their perspectives. They look at their own imperfections as somehow more “normal” or excusable. But it’s not so with their spouse’s.
We continually read emails, in addition to comments on the Marriage Missions web site, where one spouse is complaining about the other. But then he or she writes, “I know I’m not perfect, but…” It’s amazing how our “imperfections” are excusable, but our spouses aren’t. It’s all in how you look at it… perspective is often slanted in our direction.
Little Irritations Can Be Highly Irritating
Now, we’re not talking about abusive actions here, or adultery. Those types of situations need to be dealt with differently (and we do so in corresponding topics on the Marriage Missions web site). We’re talking about irritating things our spouse does, which can really get to us. This is especially true if they’re done over and over again, with no end in sight.
It can drive us a little crazy. It’s much like a little gnat that can drive us crazy. It keeps buzzing at us over and over again even after we’ve swatted at it repeatedly. Some of these habits can get to us in the same way.
However, the perspective is that when you have a lion of a problem “licking” at your feet, the gnat-sized problem doesn’t seem quite so important. We have several widow and widower friends of ours who have given us a different perspective on the “gnat” problems we’ve had with each other. They’d give anything to exchange problems with us. And when we think of them, we also think, “Thank you Lord, we needed that reminder!”
Perspective Concerning Irritations
Truly, we’re not trying to minimize how maddening these irritations can be. We’ve had to work through these matters too. And we know that we’re not the only ones who struggle with a spouse’s irritating habits. We’ve received numerous emails from spouses who are dealing with these issues. A few days ago, someone wrote us the following:
“Thank you. This is exactly what I/ we needed. I have had thoughts of divorce due to issues as such.”
Divorce! Oh… how we need perspective here concerning irritations! OUCH!!! We pray this couple can work through these problems and erase “divorce” from being an option they will entertain in any way.
From Fiji:
“Bula! This indeed is an inspiring message and of course my major problem… thank you for solving it! God Bless you and the Ministry always…”
Of course, we know we aren’t “solving” their problems. Instead, we say, “Thank You Jesus for allowing us to participate with You in ministering in this way!” God deserves the glory, not us!
Dealing With Irritations
Someone who shall remain nameless wrote:
“I really needed this one. We just hit our 3-year anniversary and it’s been a TOUGH three years. But my irritant… he closes nothing —doors (to the bathroom, outside, closet, whatever), drawers, cabinets, nothing.
“I’ve asked nicely. I’ve fussed. And I’ve pleaded. I’ve put notes up on the doors saying, ‘Please close me. Thank you, signed the wife!’ I’ve reminded. I’ve asked if it was a conspiracy to make me crazy or if it was a control issue.
“He’s a muscle-bound dude with apparently no door/cabinet/drawer closing muscle strength (or some type of unrecognized phobia). I have accepted that. And every day for the last month, I start my day by closing his drawers. Then there’s the bathroom door, then the closet door, and then the laundry room door. THAT is why I laughed out loud when I read this Message. So let me introduce myself, my name is … and I’m my husband’s closer.
In Reply:
To her email I (Cindy) wrote:
“I have to say that you made me laugh over your email to us. I’ve been there and have done that!
“Perhaps Paul Byerly can give you some additional hints on what you can do to help change this door issue. He wrote a blog several years back on this same thing (except his involved drawers). You can read it in The-generous-husband.com article, If You Loved Me You Would Close That.
“And if he can’t help you perhaps reading another blog that I wrote a while back might minister to you in some way. You can find it on the Marriage Missions web site in the blog, Praying Over Hangers.
Dumbfounded!
“I finally had to stop getting so irritated and use it as an opportunity to grow beyond it. If I didn’t, it would STILL be a problem! What’s ‘funny’ is that when I finally gave up the fussing, reminding, nagging, getting angry and irritated (and the list goes on), and instead I prayed over the hangers that were left out, eventually my husband all of a sudden stopped leaving his hangers out like he did before. This dumbfounds me! Thank you Lord!
“I can’t say that this will happen to you. But whatever happens, sometimes we have to let go of the smaller irritants and save our energy for the ‘biggies’ that really do matter in the fuller picture of our life. I hope this helps in some way.”
And I do hope this —for her and for you (as well as for me, because I learn from what I read and write). I/we hope that we can put these things into perspective.
Biblical Reminder Concerning Irritations
Jesus gave us a good reminder when He said (as quoted in Matthew 7:3-5):
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye. And then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
I have “stuff” that I do that irritates. And my spouse has “stuff.” But hopefully, we will find ways to work through it all in godly ways, so that we can live together in peaceable ways, to the glory of God.
And please don’t turn a blind eye to your own faults. When it comes to our spouse’s shortcomings, freely give what God has freely given you. He freely gives forgiveness, forbearance, and grace. Keep in mind something that Dr Gay Chapman wrote:
“God’s ability to love unlovely people is available to us. It’s a matter of opening our hearts to God’s love. In essence we’re to say to Him, ‘Lord, you know the person with whom I live. You know that I have great difficulty in seeing anything positive about him (or her). But I know that you love my spouse. I want to be your channel for loving him (or her) too. Use my hands, my tongue, and my body to express your love.’”
In Closing
May we never forget and continually apply what God tells us (which applies to every aspect of marriage):
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other. And forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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