I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(USA) I came across this, I believe, by God’s intervention. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We both were married previously and have 3 children from each of those marriages. He is 10 yrs older so his children are all adults, mine are still teens.
My husband is a co-pastor in our small church and we have always made it a point to pray and study the word together, yet also having our private time with the Lord as well. Recently I was injured and I am unable to work temporarily which has put a burden on my husband.
He has always been a very good father and husband. Never has he raised his voice in anger nor a hand to me or my children. I thank God for such a good man that he has given me. Recently he has closed himself off a little bit, immersed himself into his job to provide putting in 20 hours of overtime every 2 weeks, which causes his body to be fatigued and he’s very tired. He misses Bible study, and has forgotten our prayer and study time we do together. He rushes off early to work to get those extra hours, returns late nightly. He has pulled away from the intimate part of our marriage. I feel to blame. I feel I am just a burden to him. I have become so terribly depressed feeling very unloved and undesirable. Please tell me, how I can approach this sensitive issue? My husband is not very open when it comes to talk about being intimate.
(USA) Hi Cheral (and Deborah), Cheral, I couldn’t have said it better myself! Everything you say is right on! It’s taken a LONG time filled with trials for many recent months for me to finally get in touch with the joy and peace that God brings. I think this world tells us we are inadequate and after so many years, we just believe it.
The Bible does say otherwise though. God does love each and everyone of us. And, also, through the wonderful messages I’ve received from other beautiful Christian brothers and sisters, I’ve been told they love me, too. Just like Cheral loves you. That’s always comforting.
Yes, Deborah – listen to Cheral’s very sound and Godly wisdom and advice. She is truly dead on. Not just about God loving you but also about the situation you are in. I agree completely, your husband is probably pulling away just from stress and tiredness. And your illness is a trial. That’s all. It’s something God is allowing to strengthen you. You’ll be much stronger when you come through and you will. It’s not a deal-breaker. God will allow the trial to end on His perfect timing. You are in my prayers, With love, LT
(USA) Hi Zukiswa, Thank you, so much, for your kind words. I have gained a lot of trust, understanding and knowledge because of my walk with God, through all the trials He allows to happen in my life. I share that here for anyone who might benefit from it. I am glad that you are helped by my comments. The Holy Spirit guides me to write what I write to others – that is why you are inspired by it – they are God’s words to me, and through me.
I will certainly keep you in my prayers, and all the other beautiful people I’ve been in touch with through this web site, including Cindy Wright.
Zukiswa, your words touched my heart! Here is a great verse that I would like to share with you; it is one I think of when I think of all the wonderful people who minister on this web site, including people who write in like you and Georgann: "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:3-6)
(THE NETHERLANDS) Hello sisters around the world. Wow, it is great to read your incredible stories. I see that we women go through a lot. That is exactly the reason why we need to be powerful women. I was most hit by the story of Georgann. I did not yet read the book the power of a praying wife, but want to do so. But I read other books that helped me to focus on my relationship with God. For instance I read Boundaries in Marriage. And this book really helped me to get clear that when I know my own boundaries. I am responsible for telling people that they are crossing my boundaries.
I am not letting anyone cross my boundaries. I have a right to live and of a free space where i can live in. My husband …..our marriage was also in physical danger. There were a couple of times when he hit me hard, and it confused me and I thought this was the only time he did it — he will never do this again. But next time he did the same thing. Until I left my husband and told him the only way I come back is when you get help otherwise our marriage is over. And if he didn’t seek help I would have done this. Because I believe we do not have to be faithful to our husbands when we are in physical danger. God doesn’t want that for us.
Our husbands have choices, and they can choose to get help for this behavior. When he chooses to hit you he chooses to be unfaithful to you. He is then breaking the promise to you. It is not the other way around. He really needs help when he hits you because he can not change his own behavior by himself. More often they were in abuse themselves before they do things like that. They had wrong examples.
In my situation my husband knew that he had to do something and found help. He went in a group of abusing man and learned more about abuse. We have both still a lot to learn, also for me with my sharp tongue, but God changed our marriage so much that it gives me faith to carry on. Boundaries are also there for a reason. And you need to tell people about your boundaries, because they can’t tell by themselves. They need you to say they crossed the line.
You also need someone you trust and who knows your husband. I pray you find someone close by who can help you stay save and be your friend. I do not know why I found this website and found your writings, but I do know I serve an awesome God who does not have any boundaries around the globe (like the lines of country’s). Lots of love. I pray for you all. God is an awesome God.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone, This is my first time entering this website. Infact, I saw Stormie’s book a while ago before I got married. I’m now married for exactly a year and I’m already having problems in my marriage. Currently, I’m going through a dark cloud and needed a lot of support from my partner. He does not drink nor does he smoke and he’s 10 yrs older than me, which scares me even more because then I do not have an excuse as to why he is failing to be supportive to me at a time when I needed him the most.
I felt a lot of disappointment and found myself wondering if he is the life partner that I thought him to be. He hasn’t even had time to notice how much I needed him because he’s been consumed in his own life and friends. When I spoke to him to try and explain to him my disappointment and pain that I’m going through right now…NOTHING changed.
I feel that maybe he got married to the idea of marriage and not to me. That is the only thing to me right now that explains his behaviour. I, on the other hand thought I was marrying the man of my dreams who’ll always be there for me at a time of need. I think, we might love each other but unfortunately either have different understanding of what marriage is or just do not have the same goal in mind.
Sadly so, I feel that I’m ready for a seperation. I feel that I should give him time to re-focus or decide if marriage is the right path for him because right now…I don’t think it is… I’m at a cross-road because I’ve been experiencing his unavailability to me for a while now but have been trying to be understanding and compromised. I really have to wonder if he’ll ever be available for me and if by that time I’d still love him the way I do…
(USA) Hi Rachael, Firstly, congratulations on the birth of a beautiful baby boy!! Wow!
As a mom myself, I can confirm, regardless of how much or how little support you have from those around you (unless you just have about 5 nannies with you), the first 6 months are SOOOO tiring and hard. Between hormones, tiredness and the overwhelming task of a job you’ve never had before and have no qualifications for, it’s hard. Just hang in there.
Actually – it was motherhood itself (as well as a husband that could be very unloving) that helped me die to self, more than anything else, because I had a little one depending on me and I had to learn how to do everything, including going to the bathroom, differently. I always came last. Men do not really know what it’s like for new moms.
Try to get together with your girlfriends or female relatives as much as you can. There is nothing wrong with trying to share your thoughts with your husband. If you think he’ll hear you on it, you can tell him you need him more.
We women (and moms) have these dreams of us all being together as a happy family, all the time, the minute the baby is born and we feel up to it – I had those dreams, too, but that didn’t happen as much as I wanted either.
It is hard but as you said yourself, God is our strength. Keep tapping into that and walking in the faith of that and you’ll get past all the problems. With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Bridgette, I just want to say that I know exactly what you going through. Many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel. I’ve just made a choice to cry out to the Lord for help.They say your 1st year is the hardest and most difficult, if you survive it, you can survive anything. Just remember your promise before God and know that you were joined for a purpose which Satan is not pleased about; that’s why he will try to destroy your union. Pray my sister. Things have gotten a lot better for us. I’m now expecting our first baby, and have been married for 14months.
(USA) Hi Jodie, That is an awesome testimony AND I love the story about your baptism of the Holy Spirit. If only more people out there knew that this was possible. I honestly think that there are a lot of God followers out there who may not have God’s Holy Spirit, but either aren’t aware of that or (even worse) think they already do.
It’s inspiring to read your story. I’m sorry your husband has not come to God in the same level you have, but one thing I’ve learned is that, if someone isn’t seeking, you can’t really make them see God AND it’s possible it’s not God’s time for them yet. I will certainly keep you in my prayers, however, and your husband. Even if he isn’t seeking God as strongly as you, there’s nothing wrong in praying for him!
I myself got an "extra portion" of God’s Spirit about a year ago. It was nice before I got that, but since I got more of it (which was not a concept for me until someone mentioned it was possible) – I had the same reaction – WOW! I wish everyone could experience that. God bless, LT
(USA) Thanks for your response. I know that my timing for my husband to truly seek GOD and to truly turn his life over to HIM is not going to be the same as GOD’S timing but its very hard to be patient. I don’t want my children to ever know what their dad does. I grew up in a home with parents who were on drugs and selling them. I don’t want my children to ever have to experience that and I don’t want them to ever have to look at their dad differently than they look at him now. I want them to always look up to their dad the way they do now. And I don’t want them to grow up and use what their dad is doing as an excuse for them to do it. Do you know what I mean?
You know, I know that all of this is in GOD’S hands at all times, and in GOD’S timing, not mine, things will change. I am involved with the jail ministry. This is where we go in to the jails and tell the girls and guys of GOD’S great love and his forgiveness and what HE has done for us on the cross. Anyway, I think that with GOD’S help, my husband would be awesome in this ministry because of the testimony he is going to have once he truly seeks GOD and gives GOD his whole heart, soul, and mind to him.
I think that you have to have been there to know what it’s like in jail. I have been in jail before only for a weekend but that was long enough for me. And I also have done my fair share of partying too. So the girls in jail can really relate to me. I give GOD thanks because, even though at the time I did not want to be in jail, now I have a amazing testimony to tell them and I also have a heart for them. SO I think that GOD lets some things happen for a reason –not that HE makes bad things happen because our GOD is a loving and good GOD. I just think he lets things happen because he knows the end results. PRAISE GOD!!! So maybe GOD is letting my husband go through and struggle with what he is struggling with, because GOD knows the end results. I just pray that GOD will break these addictions in my husband, sooner rather than later. IN HIS NAME, JODIE
(RSA) This is the first time I have entered this website. I really thank God that I found people who listen and support us throughout our difficulties. It’s been 2 years since we got married but my husband has changed a lot. He is so harsh and always angry. He makes no time for me and is very quiet. He no longer goes to church and doesn’t want to pray with me. I am so hurt and I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to talk about this, he gets angry and tells me things will be fine. I have been praying and waiting since August last year. Things seem to be getting worse. I want out of the marriage but I didn’t know how. Every time I thought of packing my bags and going, my heart tells me that I love him and I always feel pity for him. Please pray with me. I really want my marriage to work.
Dear Cecilia, You sound like a very loyal and loving wife. Your husband is very blessed to have you. I pray someday he realizes the gift you are to him. He has the potential to learn things he never could have learned if he didn’t have you. That’s one of the reasons God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” God recognizes the gifts that a wife brings into the relationship.
As I read and prayed over your note, a few thoughts came to mind that you might prayerfully consider. The first thought is that your husband obviously knew how to WIN your heart and cause you to fall in love with him in the first place, but he doesn’t seem to know how to KEEP your heart and TEND TO ITS NEEDS now that he has it. He had enough knowledge and energy to know what he wanted and how to get it (you). He fell in love with you and did what it took to win your heart. But beyond that, he’s obviously clueless.
I doubt that he realized how complex you were as a woman and how you would challenge him and it angers him because he is confused as to what to do with the needs you now express. Your needs are different than his and he’s doesn’t understand this (and right now his mind may even be closed to learning what is beyond his own understanding– but don’t underestimate what God can do in you and through you as you follow the Lord’s leading). Your husband tries to quiet you because he doesn’t want to hear your discontentedness — after-all, it’s a reflection on him and makes him uncomfortable in all his confusion over this situation. Plus, his needs are different than yours. Shortsightedly, he thinks yours should be the same as his. That’s why he says “things will be fine.” He probably thinks that eventually you will settle in to see that his way is the best way and then the problem will be solved, as far as he is concerned. It’s obvious that he doesn’t understand you as a woman or all of what it takes to make a marriage good. Marriage is a partnership, with each bringing their own gifts into it, to make it work the best it can. And your giftedness is different than what he thought, or now thinks, he could embrace. He doesn’t realize what God can do in and through you as you put your hand into His.
There could be many different reasons why your husband doesn’t know how to show you the love and attention you need. It doesn’t mean that his love for you isn’t deep inside of him, but it may be that he doesn’t know how to properly express it and live it out over the long term (most everyone can do things over the short term). It could be that he was never taught how to be a good husband and/or he never had it modeled for him. Part of the mix of all of what is happening, could be a cultural attitude he has picked up, and/or he has a personality that is relationally-challenged when it comes to interacting in a marriage partnership, as a good marriage demands.
There are many other reasons why all of this could be. But the fact is that you have a problem here, and you need God to teach you how work within this situation. This is where prayer comes in. Not only do you need to pray for your marriage and for your husband’s spiritual growth, but you also need wisdom as to how to make the best out of this situation, step-by-step, day-by-day — whatever comes your way. God can use you in miraculous ways if you open yourself up to what He can do.
Your marriage journey will be different than what you ever thought it would be … but then it is with all of us. However, your life is not over. We serve a God who works miracles and can give you wisdom for your particular marriage and wisdom as to how to bring the best out of your husband as well as your partnership. But you need to be very prayerful and deliberate in how you interact with your husband. He doesn’t even realize the treasures you could open up for him in his life. But God knows, and He understands your husband. Go with God, and let the Holy Spirit guide you as your Wonderful Counselor. Don’t look at how other marriages work for them, learn from them what you need to, in order to make YOUR marriage work. Glean and adapt what you can use for your marriage. Our web site, and other things and people God brings your way, will help you as you open your mind and spirit. And don’t limit the time and effort it will take. You will be pushed to your limits at times. However, you can know that God will give you the strength and insight you need as you call upon Him in every situation. Keep in mind that God is “able to do exceedingly above all we ever ask or think” — and that promise is for you as well as it is for everyone else.
Live out what it says in Proverbs 3: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”
I pray God’s blessing upon you and your journey. I pray for you what it says in Philippians 1:9-11 … “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.”
(RSA) Cindy you have explained this situation as if you are with us everyday. I thank God for making it so clear to you. I didn’t know how to explain. Our God is good all the time. Thank you for the response. It gives me peace and I will never stop praying. I know that God will answer my prayers in HIS own way. I believe that God has a purpose with my life and it’s not a mistake that I am with my husband. I believe that God will make a way. I will stay on my knees until I find joy, peace, happiness and love in my marriage. I won’t give up because my God is faithful and HE promises that He will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. I will pray no matter what. Thank you for everything. I can see God is in control of my situation through your response. May God richly bless you.
(ZIMBABWE) It’s my first time joining in the discussions and I must say God had a reason for me to open this website. I identified quite a number of issues that used to affect me also in my marriage. I’ve been married for five years and the first four years were difficult. At one point I thought of separation and I had this independence in me. I then read a book on the power of prayer and I started praying to God that I wanted him to save my marriage. I prayed for my husband and told God that I needed him in my marriage and I needed to see the good things in my husband and learn to rekindle what we once had.
I also had the habit of saying whatever I felt regardless of what my husband felt and caused a lot of problems. In fact it made things worse. But all those things are now things of the past since a I started a relationship with God. Now I’m able to keep quiet where I’m required, because I asked God to open my mouth only when it’s necessary. The few times that we now disagree, I usually keep quiet and just pray to God and the next few minutes or days I see a change in my life.
I have also seen a change in my husband. Our relationship has greatly improved. I always thank God for the moment that I got to know him better and praise him. My verse that strengthens me more is Philippians 4 vs 13 where it says "I can do all things possible through Christ who strengthens me’. I say to all of you with problems everything is possible through Christ. The loving marriage you desire is possible through the Lord. Tell the Lord your problems and let him take control of your life and you will enjoy your marriage. Don’t limit God every thing is possible. Bridget, I know how you feel for I once felt that way but you can enjoy your marriage just take it to the Lord and don’t limit him and he will bless. Keep on praying.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone, I have started reading this book too, a long time ago. And well, I just started slipping away from God more and more, and yet when I think back, while I was praying I can see were God changed my husband. But what I didn’t cover in prayer, has not changed. Today, about 2 weeks ago my husband and I have come to cross roads once again. I have been praying day and night that God will restore my marriage and that we will be reconciled and that God should use me as the tool of reconciliation. However, I have been so "busy" with praying "God please bring us back together again" that I never realized until Monday that what God really wants is for ME to draw closer to HIM. And what a difference that has made.
God is busy at work within me, and I hope and pray that my husband will see the transformation within in me and we could be reconciled. I love my husband very much, but I love and need God so much more. I just hope that Gods will in my life is what I want too. I don’t want to lose my husband. Someone said to me today "STOP TELLING GOD HOW BIG YOUR STORM IS, START TELLING YOUR STORM HOW BIG YOUR GOD IS".
(ZIMBABWE) Hie everyone. After reading the mails above I noticed that as women we should pray for our husbands, families and each other too. I noticed that in this world we are fighting with the devil and principles of darkness Ephesians 6vs 10-18. The devil is there and if we are not strong in prayer we won’t conquer. The Lord says in Jeremiah 32 vs 27 " “Behold I am the Lord the God of all flesh, is there anything too hard for me."
I say to all of you is if you read this verse carefully the Lord is telling us to take all our problems to him because there is nothing too hard for him. In Philippians 4 vs 13 he says again that I can do all things possible through Christ who strengthens me. We are able to conquer the devil through prayer and when we pray let us claim the promises in the Bible and you will see what the Lord does. Everything is possible through the Lord. There is nothing that the Lord has no solution for, and we should not tire to pray. The Lord will answer our prayers.
If you read Psalms 91, the whole chapter, it strengthens you further as it shows that the Lord is there when we think he is not there. Like I highlighted above, we need to pray ladies and we should have faith to believe what you are praying way before the Lord has answered. I think our biggest weakness is not to have faith when praying and setting limits for God that my problem is too big for the Lord. I agree with Sue that we should tell the problem how great our Lord is and seek his power to lead us and deliver us from problems.
Ladies let us also pray for each and most importantly let us pray with faith for our husbands and children. Don’t give up. The Lord wants people who are patient and persevere up to the end.
I just want to share with you what happened to me today. I told my husband that I had forgotten to give him some cvs and I would give it to him in the evening. He did not hear clearly what I had said so that it generated into an argument and he started shouting. I did not say anything hurtful and kept quiet and he went on and on about the issue. When I got to work, I prayed and said “Lord, I believe I did not say anything hurtful but if I did or if he did, please help each one of us reflect on the conversation and that person should be able to ask for forgiveness.” 30 minutes later my hubby phoned and apologized for shouting at me. He has never apologized before. It was the first time and I knew that I had not said anything bad for I have learned to keep quiet in arguments until I have cooled down and then I will say words that will not hurt anyone. I said to the Lord thank you for replying my prayer. It made me realize that the Lord is there and is always listening to us. Some prayers are answered instantly, some take time, but what we should never forget is the Lord hears us and will answer our prayers. God Bless