I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(CANADA) Morning ladies, it’s been a while since I wrote. Lynne, thanks for asking how I am. I’m fine my husband and I are doing great and I can now see all the tears I cried to God were worth it. Now that’s a prayer for thanksgiving.
Right now I’m just concerned about my husband. He’s so frustrated with things. We talked last night and he feels that he works so hard and all we do is pay bills and nothing else. Right now it’s tight financially because we have so many things to do and that’s stressing him a lot. He already works 6 days a week and it’s so stressful coz he gets so tired. I’m now looking for another job for the summer to work mornings coz I work evening shift at a nursing home.
I did my best to encourage him but nothing seemed to work. He was really down and he couldn’t sleep and he started talking of how miserable life is. Please pray for him coz he needs God’s comfort and guidance and pray for me too for God to bless me with wisdom on how to be supportive and understanding and also pray that I get another job so that we can get our finances in order. I just don’t know what I can say to him that will help him. Cindy and Steve, any suggestions especially for me to understand his frustrations? Thanks a lot.
Leonie, I continue to pray for you and your sons. Lynne, I’m sorry to hear about your cousin. I’ll pray for her. Thanks a lot all of you for your support and prayers. Love you all.
(USA) Hi Anne, It’s so difficult to see your husband going through a discouraging time and there is little that you do that brings him out of it. I know… I’ve been there before. It’s difficult.
You ask if Steve and I have any suggestions for you to understand his frustrations. Something immediately came to mind. The book, “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn has a great chapter on “The Loneliest Burden” that may give you some great insights. It talks about how most men (but not all) are connected to their “work”. In this chapter Shaunti says, “Being a provider appears to be at the core of a man’s identity as a male and as a person of worth: To be a man, he feels, means to be a provider. Even single men feel this way. On one long plane trip, I asked the unmarried man sitting next to me whether he felt a burden to provide even though he had no one to provide for. ‘It’s still the same,’ he said. ‘You want to be in control of your life.’ He explained that if he didn’t provide for himself, other people would have to, and he would no longer be in control. Men feel powerful when they provide. And they want to be depended on.”
Shaunti went on to write, “For a man, bringing home a paycheck is love talk, pure and simple. He has something to prove (‘I can take care of you, I am worthy of you’) and he wants to deliver. Even more pointedly, in a man’s mind, providing for his wife is a central way of expressing his love. As one young man told me, ‘My job is to worry about providing so that my wife doesn’t have to. That’s one way I show her I love her.'”
You’d have to read more from the book and this chapter in particular to understand this concept more fully. It really opened my eyes and helped me to realize how important it is to affirm to my husband that he’s a good provider. And the things we can’t afford are ok. That doesn’t mean that I think any less of how he provides. He works so hard and I appreciate that about him. I’d much rather live with less with him, than live with more with anyone else. There are many men that shirk this responsibility so the fact that he gets up everyday to work so hard is really admirable and I appreciate it.
I asked Steve what helped him when he’s been discouraged about work and when we have financial problems and if he had any insights that could help you. He said that affirming your husband and praying for him is really important. He said that he will eventually get to a better place with this but that it might take time. But having a supportive wife is important.
Also, as we talked, he said to give him time and space, remembering that most men don’t necessarily feel a compelling need to talk about a problem over and over again as a woman does (unless he expresses a need to do so). They process things in different ways rather than doing a lot of deep-seeded talking. Women need face-to-face talking interaction where most men like shoulder-to-shoulder interaction — just knowing that they have a spouse that is by their side (even figuratively rather than physically) who cares, helps them.
He may even need to go to a ball game or something with some male friends or even go somewhere alone to do something that guys like to do, to help him release some of the burden he’s feeling. It’s the “all work and no play” concept. And it’s nothing against you if he needs to have this time with other male friends. It’s a “guy thing.”
But on the other hand, your husband may want some time with you doing something recreational (and inexpensive) together. Ask him. If he says no, please don’t take it as a rejection. He apparently needs extra grace and space right now to work through what is going on in his thoughts.
Just keep praying and being there when he needs you and try to help where you can and eventually he’ll get through this. Please know that we’ll all be praying for you.
(USA) Hello Leonie, Lynne, and Ladies, Thanks for the encouraging words from Leonie and Lynne. I know I should trust our heavenly father. I asked God for forgiveness that I lost faith.
The reality is not too kind on me. My hubby and another church friend hung out for a drink one night last Fall. They ended up experiencing a hallucinate product that night and since then he is hooked. He believes this item is good for his spirit and memory which I know it is not truth. He found many reasons to justify his position. He even asked me to try it in order to get closer to God. If not, I should not pass any judgment. Again, I know all of these are wrong. I am so disappointed, sad, and angry about his choice. I destroyed this stuff a few weeks ago. He threw a huge tantrum by stating this is his channel to be with God and God is before me.
He also exposed this item and told many of his past hallucination experiments to his 15 years old son who came visit during summer. When I stopped his ridiculous action, he put me down in front of his son by saying, "Now you know your girl friend will freak out if you smoke this thing in front of her… " I was crying in front of my stepson and told him, "It is your future. I hope you should know what the right path is."
My husband grew up with a broken family and his dad was very abusive. When my hubby was 16, he made threat to his step-mom. His dad took him to the state juvenile center. My hubby was very angry with his dad and step-mom for over 22 years and never talked to his dad until a year ago. My hubby always puts his kids before our marriage. I guess it is because of what happened to him during his youth. He always proclaims he will not be like his dad to choose the woman instead of the kids. Sometimes I wonder if that is why my hubby winded up in his third marriage. Now he often tells me he can find excitement by looking for another one to replace me. He has been asking me to pack my stuff and leave the house since last year.
His dad has changed his abusive behavior and turned to God. When I met him a year ago, he seems like a kind, gentle person. He called me once in a while to tell me he thinks of me.
My heart feels so alone. I always talk to God and ask him for guidance, but I don’t hear from him. It has been going on like this for a few years. I am getting older and I want a baby like many of you do. I know it is not a good idea to bring a child to a family like mine.
I feel alone and isolated especially the time when my step-children are around. I just be around them hanging out, taking care of their meals, laundry, housework… I don’t want to be there any more. I am not a maid or his sex slave.
I am going circle these years. I just don’t see what God can help. Gigi
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everybody. You girls have been very quiet lately. I just want to give you an update on my situation.
My former husband and his girlfriend found out this weekend that she is carrying a girl, I pray that God will keep the baby safe from harm and that what has happened to my daughter will not happen to her. I pray that God will change him and make him a man after His own heart.
I need you all to help me pray for my job please. I am a temp at the moment and my contract is finishing on Monday. I applied for a permanent position and was interviewed last week Thursday. I am praying to hear the good news by the end of this week. Please pray that I get this job because I really need it. I do not get any financial help from my boys father because he is not working.
Gigi, I know that it is very very hard to trust where you cannot see, but God is not a man that He should lie. I stand on God’s promises everyday and it is sometimes very hard for me especially when things are going very very bad for me. I was starting to feel very down and depressed this past weekend because I was seeing all the things my former husband was doing for his girlfriend in their place. We live on one property, and I felt down because he did not do anything like that to make me and the boys comfortable.
Then I phoned my sister and started crying, God used her to remind me that while my flesh my be weak my spirit is very strong and that He does not give me anything too hard for me to handle. It gave me a new breath of strength and hope in the Lord and then God asked me why are you so sad because of the place that he is living in. It is a Wendy house and he is going to live there forever but I am giving you and your kids a house of your own. So do you know what Gigi? I stand on God’s promises for my life not only for the natural but for the spiritual as well. God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us: Jeremiah 29vs 11. I want to give you a story for a bit of an encouragement. Stay blessed.
The Adventure of Obedience -By Glynnis Whitwer
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)
Devotion:
The story is told that when Dr. David Livingstone was working in Africa, a group of friends sent a letter saying, "We would like to send other men to you. Have you found a good road into your area yet?" Apparently, Dr. Livingstone sent this message in reply: "If you have men who will only come if they know there is a good road, I don’t want them. I want men who will come if there is no road at all."
I wonder if God thinks this about us sometimes. I wonder if He ever calls us to obedience without showing us the path we will travel, or the end result, just to see what we will do. Kind of like a test. Will we obey without a road map?
And I often wonder why following God isn’t easier. There are days when I feel tired of getting called out of my comfort zone to obey God. On those days I’ve been known to whine in my prayers asking God if there isn’t any way I can serve Him from the safety of my recliner. But that’s not God’s ways. God does not wish me to be limited by my desire for security and control.
Maybe there is something within us that is revealed when we are pressured from without. Maybe the call to obey shines light on the truth about our faith. I know that in order to grow, faith must be stretched, and that’s often uncomfortable.
You see, I have not learned to trust God in the easy ways of faith. I have not learned to trust God by reading a book or listening to a great sermon. Nor have I learned to trust God by hearing how my friend trusts God. No, I am learning to trust God by stepping out into an adventure of obedience and discovering for myself that He is trustworthy.
This happened when my husband and I started tithing (after I resisted for years), and watched God cover all our needs and more. This happened when I obeyed His command to write a book (even though I didn’t know what I would write about), and watched God open doors of opportunity. This is happened when we said yes to adoption, and are watching the blossoming of two little girls who now have a hope and a future.
Obeying when God hasn’t revealed the steps along the way or the final destination is challenging. But when we choose to walk by faith and not by sight, God gets all the glory in the end because we KNOW we couldn’t have done it on our own!
Dear Heavenly Father, I praise You for being completely trustworthy. Thank You for having my best interest at heart, even when the path to obedience seems scary. Help me to take the next step of faith, even when I don’t see where I’m going. I will choose to trust You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
Love you all Leonie. PS: Dont forget to help me pray for my job. Thanks
(USA) Gigi, God is bigger than these problems. If you can’t see that GOD can help then that is the first thing you need to pray about. GOD is capable of all things because he made all things. Do not doubt that because that is how the devil keeps you. When you pray to God you must not do so as last resort or a "why not" kind of attitude like you’ve tried everything else. You cannot do this alone and until you realize that and give it to God it’ll remain burdensome. Read James 1:5-9 before you next pray. I really believe that this verse can change how you’re praying and reinstall hope.
Your husband sugar coats the fact that he is doing drugs by telling you that it brings him closer to God. Your husband lies to you when he says it’s not that bad. Based on the way you described it previously it sounds like you may be starting to believe his lies. I am really glad that you haven’t participated in doing drugs with him. Ephesians 5:18 says “And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit". A person doesn’t get closer to God by destroying His temple (our body). What your husband is doing is growing more distant from God by "becoming drunk on wine" (or impairing himself). The Holy Spirit is the only way to gain closeness with God. No drug or alcohol will do this, I assure you.
Gigi, I grew up around drugs my entire life and I am a recovering addict myself. I have been made clean by the Lord for three years now and I remember all of the lies I used to justify my problem with. It’s not of God to choose anything before Him, but just under Him should be your spouse. If your husband doesn’t believe this then he is not following Christ anymore but trying to justify is own way. I beg you to seek out a Christian Counselor or your Pastor. If you can get your husband to go with you then that is awesome but if not then it’s still helpful to go on your own. I know because I used to have to go by myself a lot, and it really helped me deal.
You can’t change your husband only God can. Pray that God does change his heart and don’t stop praying. This is not your battle so stop arguing with him. Let God’s light shine through you right now and be an example. I still pray by myself most evenings right now and I’ve been going to church by myself the past few times, but I can see my husband coming around slowly. God’s light is shining through me onto him. The only thing I have control over is me and the rest is between him and God.
I feel for you girl, I know how you feel. My husband and I have been fighting the same battle for over a year now. My husband tries to tell me that world ways are ok too and I tell him this, "that is your opinion and you are entitled to it… but I think you’re wrong." then I leave the situation and pray. I love ya girl and I feel your pain. Keep your head up.
Anne, Honey I missed you. I am glad to hear that most everything is getting better. You know what? My hubby and I are on hard times too, I think that it’s kind of the way of the land right now. Well I read an article on here. I think it’s under "for married men" it’s about making home…work. (Starting to view home life as work without compensation). That had some great insight too on how to deal with a husband who works hard and isn’t compensated very well (also the way of the land). There are some tips and things you can use to make home life better to distract him from his negative feelings. I used a few of them and they worked pretty well.
Also Cindy where Can I find that book you recommended for Anne? I would like to read it as well. Love you, Lynne
(CANADA) Hi all. Cindy thanks a lot for the advice I’ll definitely get that book. I know my husband is worried and I’ll do my best to affirm him. You gave me great insight. I know when it comes to his job my husband gives it his all and God has blessed him a lot because he’s so hardworking. I know it’s a huddle we’re going through and it will pass. He’s just worried about all we have to do and the plans that we have for the future. Thank you so much.
He does want to talk coz the future part he brought up yesterday. I’ll pray for him and for the wisdom on how to be there for him without crowding him too much. Lynne, I’m glad to hear from you. How’s your cousin doing? I’ll pray for her and for you too. Leonie, that story was so good it definitely made me think how true that is that you never know the path that you’ll go through you just need to have faith. I’ll pray for you about the job. Pray for me too to find another job. Thank you all so much. Cindy and Steve thanks again.
(USA) Hi Lynne, You asked where you can find the book, “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn (published by Multnomah). You can either try to find it at a Christian Bookstore or you can order it through this web site through Amazon.com (and then they will give Marriage Missions a percentage of the profits). You can find the description of the book in the “For Married Women” section in the Links and Resource Descriptions part of it, and you can go in where it says “”Buy this Book Now” if you want to purchase it.
I think you’ll really find the book helpful. I found it to be VERY interesting and insightful. It’s based on information backed up from a survey of hundreds of men, so you get to discover first-hand how men truly feel over certain matters. I hope you can obtain the book somehow.
(CANADA) Hey, all hope you’re doing well. I have a prayer request for me. I’m in health care and I have been for a few years now. My dream and passion has always been in culinary and pastry making. I’m thinking of changing my career and of course I have my fears and concerns. I’ve always wanted to open a bakery. I know that it’s challenging but with God nothing is impossible. My husband has always been supportive and encouraged me to do it coz there’s nothing I love more than being in the kitchen. I’ve always put it off for many reason more like excuses. I prayed about it a lot today and I talked to God about my fears. I read 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.”
I remembered the story that you wrote Leonie about Dr. David Livingstone and about obeying God without knowing the road that we’ll take, just having faith that God will somehow direct our paths. I realised I’m selling myself short with fear and that verse from Hebrews 11:1 really got me thinking that I should go ahead and do what I’ve always wanted, knowing that God is with me and if this is His plan for me then the doors will open. Pray with me please.
I’ll have to wait till September to enter into the course so for the time being I’ll still look for another job and do lots of research on it. Thank you all so much. Leonie, did you find out about your job? Let us know. Lynne, how you doing? God bless all of you. Love you loads.
(ENGLAND) I’ve just found your website from a woman who is dating my husband. She apparently subscribes to this news letter and I found a copy of a newsletter she emailed to my husband. Enough about her, but for the last 4 months I have been reading these letters so I thought it was my chance now to tell you my story. It’s long but I will try to cut it short.
My husband got snatched by this woman cos they are in the same job and have developed a common enemy in me. We haven’t spoken in exactly a year with my husband and he doesn’t eat what I cook anymore. He’s told his family he wants a divorce for the past 2 years. We basically lead two separate lives but live in the same house. I still love my husband very much even though he’s threatened to leave me a couple of times. We have a lovely daughter who is in her early teens.
All I want to say is thank you to this woman. I have now found peace and joy by reading from this site. I’m now equipped with the power of a praying wife, saved and enjoying the grace and favor of God. The word of God says in Malachi that He hates divorce. Friends would you pray for my marriage and this woman. She has been an eye opener to my marriage even though she herself is committing adultery cos her husband lives out of the country.
I love the word of God and love this site. I believe by the grace of God I will have a testimony cos our God is a God of uncommon favors. Thank you again for your prayers.
(USA) Hey all, Anne, I am so glad to hear you’re doing well. Follow the dreams you have girl. God only gives up one life don’t waste it doing what you don’t want to do. My cousin is doing better she’s in a facility getting help thank you so much for your prayers and concern. I love ya girl. Leonie are you alright too. Cindy, thank you very much. I am going to try and get the book through the site but last time it wouldn’t take my card, but I got a new one now.
Tracey, Honey I am going to pray for you girl. I am so sorry to hear about the devil attacking your marriage. Have you all ever tried marriage counseling? I highly recommend it. If you really want to make it work that is the first step. As for this other woman, I’ll be in prayer for her too. This is a very dangerous situation and they are both dancing with the devil right now. Be careful. Love and Prayers. Love, Lynne
(NAMIBIA) Hi Ladies, I hope u all are well. I’m having a difficult time. I found out that my husband is still in contact with the other woman. I confronted him and he didn’t deny it. Whenever I try to talk to him he will make comments like: I’m so tired of life, or he will just ignore me totally.
I’m not sleeping and eating again, so I decided that I want a divorce. I can’t let him do this pain over and over again to my kids and me. I prayed to God that He will stop the divorce if it is His will. I feel so empty now that I’m making plans to go on with my life. The kids are not doing so good. My daughter, she is 14 and is not taking this very well. Both of them are kind of ignoring their father now.
When he moved out the first time they were very hurt, and he didn’t even say “sorry” when he came back. I try my best to explain to them that it is not their fault, and that he still loves them very much. I still pray for him every night. I even started praying for the other woman. My husband loved his mother dearly and now he doesn’t visit her at all, because she confronted him about how he is treating me and the kids. I feel for her because she had a dream that while I was still living in the house the other woman moved in with her kid. I prayed for that dream and every night before I go to bed I read Psalm 91 in the house. I trust God to bring about the plans and purposes He has for my life.
To make matters worst I’m under loads of work pressure too. This week I received a lot of encouraging daily thoughts. I know God is talking to me, and I promised myself to listen. I almost called the other woman yesterday, but decided that God will bring justice for all of us. I keep all of you in my prayers. Our God is faithful. He is my only lifeline now. Stay blessed.
(UK) Hi Lynne. Thanks for taking interest in my story. I don’t know how this works but I just have to trust in the Almighty. My husband is the most intelligent person I know. He doesn’t get told what to do by anyone. He’s refused counselling and said he’s more clever than them. He doesn’t accept failure of any kind. I don’t exactly know what he wants. He doesn’t want me and wants me at the same time. My life is just on hold for how long I don’t know. One thing I know is I definitely wont give up praying for him and our marriage. One pastor put it this way, “it’s not over until we win.” God bless and keep praying.
(USA) Hi Tracy, Your husband might be intelligent, but the example you give is one of pride, not intelligence. See 1 Corinthians 2:5 and 1 Corinthians 2:13 – it’s clear that man’s "wisdom" isn’t worth much compared to Godly wisdom.
An intelligent man (someone with Godly intelligence, not worldly intelligence) would realize that he shouldn’t be having affairs or inappropriate friendships with women outside his marriage. AND, he would sense that if his wife is offering/requesting counseling as an option to better the marriage he would at least consider it, not say he knows better than they do.
If he’s not a psychologist or certified counselor, then he doesn’t know better than they do and probably doesn’t know anything about that field at all. And if he is a counselor or psychologist then he would know that when it’s someone too emotionally close to you (like a spouse or family member), you don’t counsel them because it’s too close to the source and the objectivity is gone. Either way – he doesn’t know better than the counselors.
Pride (lack of humility) is a relationship killer. I’m not saying any of this to bring you down, I’m simply pointing it out to make sure you don’t fall for the "talk" that other people put up, which usually comes from a place of fear, pride, or insecurity (or all 3) and that’s the sense I get of what your husband is doing.
He doesn’t know whether he wants you or not because I assume he isn’t familiar with scripture (or doesn’t want to live by it if he is) and he has no inner peace. Inner peace comes from God and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. He doesn’t have that and people that don’t have that often don’t know whether they are coming or going. I hope this helps you in your journey and the path of healing and revelation that the Lord has planned for you.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. With love and God bless.
(UK) Hi all. My biggest problem is that my husband doesn’t know the Lord. He refuses to know Him and blames Him for everything bad that has happened in his life. I do pray that one day he will get to the Lord. Thanks again for your encouragement. It is worthwhile reading and digesting from it.
(USA) Hi Tracy, I don’t know if you noticed from the list of topics on the right sidebar of the web site, that we have a whole section dedicated to helping those with an “Unbelieving Spouse”. If you haven’t already, you may want to check out the articles, the recommended resources, and the web sites links we provide for you to visit. They’re all designed to help where there is unequal yoking happening in the spiritual aspect of your lives together. We pray you will find all of it to be helpful.