I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(USA) Sue, Yeah GOD! I was praying so hard for your husband to get treatment. God is awesome. I pray that HE continues to work in all of our heart including your husbands. Yeah GOD! I about let out a yell of excitement when I read your post. I love ya girl.
Carol, It really nice to meet you and thank you so much for offering up prayer. You must be truly a sister to do such a thing. We love ya. Love, Lynne
(CANADA) HI all. Hi Sue, it’s been a while. I’ve always wondered how you’re doing. I’m glad that your husband went to see the doctor. I’m praying for you and your husband a lot. I know with God all is always possible.
Lynne, how you doing? Sorry your date didn’t go as you hoped but at least you still went. Remember the enemy will always try to sneak and take away our joy especially with our spouses but God is good coz He’s always there.
I’m doing ok. I went to see my pastor about my issues and the past and it went well. I ordered a book that he asked me to get. It’s a guide book and when I get it and answer some questions I call him and we shall proceed from there. Thanks a lot for your prayers. I know God has been waiting for me to tell Him that I’m ready to change. It was painful talking about it and I didn’t expect that. Keep me in your prayers.
My husband is ok, just a lot of stress. He gets like that when things seem bad. He’s worried about our finances and we also want to buy a house and that’s stressing him too a lot. And his job, with everything that’s going on, there are a lot of cut backs. But to me, at least he still has a job. He’s thinking is so negative and he’s really beating himself up. He’s comparing himself to his best friend and I told him envying somebody when he hasn’t walked in his shoes is not right. Please pray for him coz no matter what I say, it doesn’t seem to help. He truly needs God’s guidance and patience coz everything happens in God’s perfect timing.
Pray for me too, to have the wisdom to be there for him and encourage him in a positive way. I know this is how he sometimes deals with things but it’s really depressing. Thank you so much for your prayers.
Hi Carol, thanks a lot for your prayers. I like that idea of re-reading the book depending on what’s going on. I’ll do that for my husband. Thank you all so much. Hope to hear from you soon. Love you all and God’s blessings. God is always with us.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi all. It’s been a while now that I did not share with you all. I’m glad to read and know that all are doing well. I just want all of you to pray with me for my 17year old daughter. She’s been having behavioural problems since the beginning of this year: smoking, drinking, having the weirdest friends, etc. We trust God for the salvation of her soul. Thank you for such an inspirational site where we can share with women all over the world. God bless.
(CANADA) Hi all, it’s been a while since I last wrote. I’m just writing to ask you all to pray with and for me as my walk with God is really not as strong as it was and as I’d like it to be. I have been going through issues and God was so faithful because things were changing but the enemy didn’t like that and I’ve been left feeling so out of it to spend a lot of time with God. My prayers keep getting shorter and shorter.
I can’t get into all the details but I have the desire to strengthen my relationship with God. I’ve been meaning to write but as always the devil has his way of making me think I am too busy and my problems aren’t that big to ask for help form people. I realised that’s his way of stopping me from asking for prayers. I need you all.
Is there any book or devotional books that anybody has read that has really helped them? Please let me know. I intend to defeat the enemy with all of God’s help. Thank you so much for your support. Wishing you all a happy and blessed new year. Lynne, how you doing??? Missing you loads.
(USA) I stumbled across this site today. Will you please pray for me? I have been married for 35 years. The first few years were good, but then the emotional abuse began against me and our children. All of our children are out of the house now. The abuse was mostly against me and our daughter. She still is hurt by her father.
About six years ago, I couldn’t take it anymore and could not stop crying. My husband never hit me, but he would always put me down. No matter what, he was ALWAYS right. Most of what I did was done wrong in his eyes. He never told me he loved me or complimented me- he still doesn’t. He had a vicious temper that he has at times been able to control. Six years ago I had Christian counselling which helped. My husband would never go because" there was nothing wrong with him- I had the problem,"
Everyone in our church thinks that he is such a wonderful Christian person. If they only knew. I feel so depressed now. I have been praying for him for a long time, but he still treats me this way. Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
(USA) Ladies, I really need your prayers right now. Where do I even begin? I am legally separated as soon as I file the paper work. We have it all signed and notarized. My husband is in a Christian rehab facility, and on top of it all I am 6 weeks pregnant with our second child.
It all happened last week, my husband and my so-called friend of 16 years fooled around. My husband confessed what had happened to me (that she gave him oral sex). He said that he needs help and has an addiction to sex and alcohol. He checked himself into a rehab this past Friday.
I cannot divorce him while he’s in the rehab because I can’t have him served. It’s a lock down facility. I am so hurt right now. I don’t even know what to do with myself. After everything we’d been through I could always say that he (my husband) was faithful. Now I can’t. I never thought this could ever happen and I feel like I am loosing it.
On top of everything I also found out there there is a chance the baby I am carrying is not alive because I had an emergency surgery to remove my appendix. I find out on the 23rd if the baby is alive.
I am praying for God’s strength now because I don’t know how to get through this. I am so broken hearted and I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I have no idea how I am going to make it financially by myself with a child and one on the way. I have no idea how I am going to make it through this emotionally because I just want to crawl in a hole and bury myself. I don’t know how I am going to get through this spiritually because I am having a hard time praying.
Please just pray for me because I don’t know what to do. My husband will be in a treatment program for a year, and after that we can divorce. I am not sure what I want to do. I am just so hurt right now. Thank you ladies. Love, LYNNE
(USA) Hi Lynne and everyone – Sorry I haven’t posted lately – I’ve been EXTREMELY busy. I had my baby Dec. 1. The birth could have been better (I tend to have very long pushing stages that don’t progress well for some reason) and we almost had to take the baby to the hospital due to fluid on the lungs. But it cleared out after a couple of hours and after that everything was fine and he’s really beautiful.
Lynne, I wanted to say thank you for the update, and I’m sorry to hear what’s going on. I’m glad your husband is going to treatment – that’s good. It’s at times like these that our personal relationship with Christ, through the Holy Spirit in us, is crucial – it is that relationship that will get us through. I can’t answer you as to what you should do, but I wanted to give you some books that have helped me immensely.
I recently read Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb (it has to do with one’s relationship with God and finding a deep one through trials) and I’m currently reading the Emotionally Destructive Relationship, by Leslie Vernick. These are books I know the Lord led me to for my own trials so they may not be for you. But you can pray about it to see if they will help you in your struggles.
I, too, am facing the difficult decision of whether to separate or not. These books I’ve been reading were confirmation of things I’ve known for a long time but have trouble acting on. The Lord (through scripture and these books) has impressed on me that things will not change in my husband’s treatment of me and so I’m left to decide what to do but my flesh can’t possibly make a good decision. I have to let the Lord tell me.
Of course, I get a lot of guilt tripping from some of the Christian community that God hates divorce but I always have to think, well are you saying God likes a man that curses his wife out on a regular basis? Is that somehow better than divorce?
What I’ve come to realize is that we are all fallen and this is a fallen world. I don’t want a divorce (my parents were married until my Dad died so I don’t come from divorce and I hate the idea of it, too, especially with a new baby). But I also know I don’t want to live in a very toxic relationship where I’m cursed out and threatened with various things (verbal and emotional abuse). Neither situation is good or of God. I don’t want my children growing up thinking that’s what a healthy relationship looks like.
What to do? Well – that’s why I just pray that God will lead me and that He will extend enough wisdom and discernment to me to make the right decisions and that if I don’t and get caught in sin – He’ll show me that, too, so I can ask forgiveness. Living with such a toxic person literally makes it hard to even know what my own sins are sometimes. I’ve come SOOO far from healthy I don’t even know what healthy or Godly looks like most of the time.
At any rate – Lynne I’ll be praying for you. I don’t know what I will do financially either but I do have some options. My current dilemma is whether to get the authorities involved (which I could) because my husband doesn’t recognize any church authorities and the ones he would see as a spiritual mentors don’t even take the verbal abuse very seriously (which is sad). So going to the church with it is sort of a point we’re beyond now.
God bless and lead us both and help us all. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. Thanks!! With love, LT
(US) Lynne: Just continue to look to the Lord. He is right there with you. He hears your every cry. The fact that your husband is in a rehab facility and the divorce cannot go through right now should speak volumes to you of how God can work within what looks like a very dead and dreadful situation. This time away for your husband can be a time that God can speak to and soften his heart as well as yours. Praise God for the healthy baby. Look around you there are so many blessings. I will pray for you.
(USA) LT & Allison, Thank you so much for all of your kind words. LT, I will be praying for you too. I have made a choice. I am going to go to the rehab in a week and a half to visit my husband. I wrote him a letter. I am upset and hurt still, but God gave me a sign that I was looking for. I just need to see where my husband stands now. I have a strong feeling that the baby is alive and that everything is going to be ok. Please just keep praying for me because I need it.
LT, Congratulations on your new little baby. I am so glad that everything went well with the delivery. I love you all and hope you all have a great day. I’ll be praying. Love, Lynne
(CANADA) Hi Lynne, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I am praying for you big and I know God shall make a way for you. One thing that I agree that Allison said is that you have a whole year before you can serve your husband with the papers and that to me shows that God is already working coz that’s the time He’s really gonna work on you.
I wanted to suggest a book called THE HEALING CHOICE HOW TO MOVE BEYOND BETRAYAL by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen. I’ve read it and I suggest reading the 2nd part by Susan Allen. She talks about the struggle she went through as her husband overcame sex addiction. I think it might help. I also wanted to quote something from the book that has stuck with me and really shows what God does when we’re in a crisis:GOD NEVER WASTES A CRISIS AND HE DOESN’T WANT YOU TO WASTE THIS ONE EITHER. HE HAS A DREAM OF HOW YOU’LL LOOK ON THE OTHER END OF THE RIDE.
And also: THEREFORE DO NOT BECOME DISCOURAGED IN THE MIDST OF YOUR TRIALS. RESPOND TO THE LORD’S PURSUIT QUICKLY. TRUST HIM ENOUGH TO ALLOW HIM TO USE YOUR UNINTENDED JOURNEY TO WORK IN YOU.
Those words really touched me and I hope they’ll carry you through this journey. I know it won’t be easy but keep on praying and remember to thank God for your husbands honesty despite the fact it’s something that really hurt you. That’s a way to start fighting off the enemy from your marriage. There shall be days that you’ll be strong and days that you won’t. Those are the days that you need someone who can pray with you and really support you.
You’re very lucky coz many husbands just hide their addiction from their wives or think that they don’t need help. What your husband has done shows just how much he wants to change. Thank God for that too and read the Bible a lot. You can read Deuteronomy 20:3-4; James 1:2-4; 1st Peter 5:6-10; 1 Thessalonians 3:3,5 and Ephesians 6:10-11. I know there’s a lot more verses in the Bible and I find that everybody has their Anchor Verse that they always read, especially in times of trouble. Gal, God has you. He wants you to draw closer to Him and He’ll guide you. Hope to hear from you soon and know how your visit went. Love you gal.
(USA) Thank you so much Anne. I really love those verses. I appreciate everything you you’ve said because you’ve been a dear friend to me. I will have to try and see if they have that book at the library. I am so broke right now because of my husband’s situation. Thankfully God has taken care of me.
I finally humbled myself and asked my church for help with a couple of bills and they are going to help me. God is really providing in this time of need. I feel so bad for asking but so grateful that I have such a great church family that will help me.
For a while I was getting angry at God because I thought He allowed this to happen to me. When the truth is that God didn’t do this to me the devil did, and He is going to use this hard time to work in me. He already has, so the devil is going to lose.
Sometimes I think maybe this is what it took for my husband to be broken. It’s just hard because I am still so hurt right now, but I actually miss him. I sit home at night with my son and… it’s just hard. I really appreciate those prayers big time.
How is everything going with you? Has everything been good with your husband? Love Ya
LT, How are you doing? Are you alright? Love, LYNNE
(USA) I admire all of you women show were able to "hang in there" and love an unlovable spouse. I tried for three years to endure my husband’s emotional and verbal abuse, and called it quits this weekend. I tried to look beyond what my needs were and minister to his needs, but I was left feeling like a complete fool. We had a sexless and loveless marriage with lots of angry and hurtful words mixed in from the both of us. We decided that separation was the best option for us.
We had literally become roommates. I cooked my own food, and he cooked his own food. I washed my clothes, and he washed his clothes, etc… A part of me feels like I disappointed God by not honoring my covenant, but if the truth be told, I don’t think I ever truly loved my husband for who he was, but I loved how well he treated me when we were dating. Little did I know that it was all an act to gain entrance into my world. The lesson I’ve learned is to allow a man to show you who he is with his actions (over a length of time) and not by his words. I pray that all reading this message will be blessed with healthy and loving relationships.
(USA) Hey everybody, How has everyone been? Things have been crazy for me. The Lord is teaching me a lot about forgiveness. I have forgiven my husband and the x-friend that gave him oral sex. That doesn’t mean that I am going to get back together with him but it means that I have let go of the hateful feelings.
My husband is still in Rehab and will be for a while yet to come. I brought our son up to see him last weekend and he was so excited to see us. We talked about things a little bit and he showed me what he’s been studying in the Bible. He also showed me a few verses that are helping him through this time. It was almost like someone had taken his place; he was so different.
Then he told me that he loved me and wanted to make things work, but he had to work on himself first. I couldn’t say it back because I don’t know how I feel anymore. I know that God hates divorce. Mark 10:10-12 Says that if anyone divorces his/her wife/husband and remarries then they have committed adultery. The way I understand this is that if someone is searching the Lord’s face and has the heart to forgive and God lays it upon their heart to forgive then we are not allowed to divorce. However, I can stay separated without divorcing. So I don’t know if I will be allowing my husband to come back into my home after rehab. I have forgiven him for hurting me but that doesn’t mean that the hurt is gone.
Andrena, Have you and your husband ever tried talking to a Christian Counselor? Sometimes I wonder if I could have gotten my husband to go with me for therapy maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now and separated. That might be something you could try also keep praying about it. Surrender your marriage to God and let him take control. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better, as I am learning. I know I am really not in any position to give advice, I just figured I might be of some comfort to ya. I love ya girl; keep your head up.
(CANADA) Hi Lynne nice to hear from you coz I was wondering how you were doing. Anyway, I’m really glad that your husband is doing better. Prayers do really work. I’ve been praying for both of you and I know many people are too. I’m glad that you’ve forgiven him coz that definitely sets you free.
I’m sad to hear that you’re still contemplating divorce or separation. God has a lot of things that He wants to teach you. Ask God to pour His love into your heart so that you may see the good in your husband. Once you’ve decided to separate you’ve given the devil a foot hold to continue breaking your marriage. At the end of the day I know it’s your decision and what you feel is right for you and your son but look at the positive side. Your husband is even reading the Bible and has asked for forgiveness… that’s God’s hand in all that. Ask God to truly show you His plans for you and your husband and listen and obey what He says.
I know forgiveness is not the end of the pain –that’s a process but you’re definitely in the right track and all the pain shall go away. It takes a lot of prayer and worship and complete trust in God. I just saw a message on this site DURING SEPARATION: TIME CAN BE YOUR FRIEND that has offered this other web page http://www.brokenheartonhold.com –check it out. Lynne, I’ll pray for you so hard and for your marriage. GOD BLESS. Love you gal. You’re not alone in this.
(USA) Anne, Thank you so much for everything. I have bought The Healing Choice and read almost all of Susan’s Section of the book. You were right, I found it such a great comfort. It’s nice to know that I am not alone. There was one verse in the book that I really loved. It was Proverbs 3:6–> In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success.
If My husband and I had been doing that the entire time then we wouldn’t be in this situation. I just have a hard time getting past everything. My husband and I are already separated and he has checked himself into a Christian rehab center. I don’t know if we are going to end up divorced or not. At this point I am just putting that in God’s Hands. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate your prayers and everyone’s. Thank you so much. I love you to girl. Love, Lynne