I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(USA) My husband and I have been married for the past 8yrs and had our first born last year. 2yrs ago my husband’s brothers life was cut short and since then a part of him has died. I have never felt accepted in his family. Our problems stem from his drinking, lying and etc.
I do admit that I do have an attitude and am quick to safe guard myself. He continues to drink and I have made comments that have forever left a mark on him. I am lost and have no idea on how to get back on track. He tells me that he is done and no longer wants to be with me. I have prayed and prayed for a better relationship with him; he has turned into someone else.
(KENYA) Hi Guys, Here’s my story: I’m married traditionally and I was supposed to leave my parent’s house a long time ago, since my traditional wedding. My parents refuse to let me go as I don’t have enough savings (money) to leave, just in case something goes wrong.
My husband loves me and I love him but he’s fed up for the fact that we not living together as husband and wife. I pray everyday that God takes care of us. I’m scared I’ll lose my husband to someone else. Help!
(USA) I’m so glad I found this site. I too am struggling in the area of marriage and I don’t know what to do about it other than to stay in prayer, but its hard.
As I sit here thinking about my situation the blame of where we are at in our marriage is really 50/50. I thought I was a loving, respecting, honoring wife, but that hasn’t been so only my husband wouldn’t tell me how he felt, instead he found another woman to talk to and so he told her. I found out about the “friendship” and things have been an emotional roller coaster since (I found out about 3 weeks ago). My goodness, I was hit blindsided by this; I mean I knew he and I argued from time to time, but I didn’t know he was THAT unhappy. He says he and this woman were not intimate and to a degree, I believe him. He let his emotions get involved, her emotions were involved and they supposedly “loved” each other, which I will never understand. She loved him so much that when her husband found out, she wanted my husband to deny the whole thing. And now that they’ve broke the “friendship” we keep getting blocked/private calls, day and night. And the terrible thing about this whole thing is that this was a woman in our church! OMG, you don’t know how furious I was when it all came out….I was friends with her, she knew my husband and I were trying to have another baby, she knows my kids, I’ve watched hers, I know her husband……
After it all came out, there was still communication between them but after her husband found out the communication dwindled to little to none (so I know). He says he never loved her, loves me, was unhappy in our marriage, but never once did he open up. I didn’t know what to do, it drove me crazy, thought after thought, morning, noon and night. But I had this thing in me that still loved him (and I still do) and God kept saying, one time after another “Love never gives up.” My husband and I went to counseling at church (still going) and I had lots of hurt and anger come up in our session and pastor says “the bottom line is this, do you want this marraige to work or not?” My answer was yes and then he took us to 1 John 1 where God is telling us that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
It was then that I saw that God was not only trying to show me how to love like He loves but to also forgive like he forgives. and if I’m going to follow God, I’m going to have to do it with all my heart and life and nothing less.
Now I’m at a spot to where it is difficult to talk to my husband and tell him how I feel. I cry because it hurts so bad. He, at one time, was my best friend, my lover, my hero and I would never thought that he would give his emotions to another woman espically in the form of “I love you”. This has got to be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. But God…..He keeps telling me don’t quit, that when I want to quit to get on my knees and pray. Get on my knees and ask for Him to intervene…get on my knees and rely on God’s Grace.
I’m up one day, down the next….hoping, believing, praying and then I’m an emotional wreck. Quitting would be easy so I know that’s not the path God wants me to take. I’m not a quitter and now I’m believing that my husbands heart will return to me and love me whole heartedly as God wants him to. That my husband will love God first, wholeheartedly and then I know that his love for me will return. This is hard. I’m lonely, just found out that I’m one month pregnant and that doesn’t make things easier. I want this baby, don’t get me wrong but I also want to be able to rely on my partner to raise this family with me.
I really need your prayers.
(USA) Sherry, Wow my heart goes out to you. I was in a position similar to your two years ago. Only my husband was not emotionally attached but had a physical infidelity with a former “so called” friend. I found out I was a month along with our second child three days later.
You are doing the right thing! Keep praying and trust God to mend your broken heart. God may not restore your marriage but please believe he can make your marriage new. He may not give you your husband’s heart back, but He can give your husband a new heart for HIM and dedicate it to you. Just keep having faith and remember your hormones will have a role.
I remember I used to question why God would send me a baby at such a time in my life, But HE never makes mistakes. At the time I thought of it as “another thing” to add to my troubles, Now I realize it was the perfect time. Our son’s name is Gabriel because he’s the little angel God sent to help save our family. God’s greatest blessings can be hard to understand sometimes but He knows what HE is doing. You’re gonna be alright just pull close Him on the bad days and Praise Him for the good. Love ya
(CANADA) Hi, wow it’s been so long since I’ve been on this site. Sherry, I just read your post and truly my heart breaks for you. I know how it feels when an affair hits a marriage. It’s tough and all this issues arise anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment. I went thro’ a similar situation (I didn’t know the woman; she worked with my husband).
All I can tell you is that God shares in your pain. He’s grieving with you now. Don’t give up on your marriage as much as you want to and as much as other people tell you to. It’s not an easy road to go through, but the best thing about it is that this isn’t a suprise to God. He knew it was gonna happen and the best part is that He has already equipped you with the tools to overcome this battle. He tell us to give Him thanks in all circumstances. It’s hard to do but it opens doors for abudant blessings.
Forgive your husband and the other woman everyday. Pray for yourself for strength and for your husband too. The enemy will try all the tricks in the book to discourage you and your husband. I can testify to God’s faithfulness. He restored my marriage and trust for my husband and am glad we went through what we did because we have a marriage that is so great and fulfilling. Yours will be too if you keep on praying and trusting God. He’ll see you though and lift you up and your husband too. Don’t give up on God. Go for counselling and get a strong Christian woman to pray with you. I’ll pray for you and your husband. God Bless.
(PHILIPPINES) Truly inspiring… I’d love to hear it more from you… Thank you so much for sharing.
(PHI) I am in need of prayers right now, my partner and I are in the stage of what I call the biggest trial in our relationship. We have a child, my partner is working in a ship 3 yrs now. I just found out recently that he is having an affair with his co worker there for almost 5 yrs, I guess. I found out all the infos in his email, I just guessed the password. It started with just a little doubt, what a nice gift because I found out everything during my birthday this year. It was really the hardest problems ive encountered, and what really hurts me is that their relationship lasted for how many years. I thought that it began when I was still pregnant with our child.
Since I found out, I’ve been so depressed, totally lost and don’t care about tomorrow anymore. My friend who is a Christian invited me to attend service. When I attended I felt God really touched me. After the service, I began reading my Bible. I began sharing verses to my friends and I began to change litle by little. I know in my heart that I’ve changed a lot when I started attending a Christian service. Its only more than a month since I found out. Until now the problem with my partner and his affair is still existing.
Recently, I texted the girl saying I wanted to talk to her, as a mother of a child, heart to heart… I always send her message but she’s never replied to me, not once. Instead she let my partner read what I sent her. I don’t understand why my partner is so mad at me, so mad that I emailed and sent messages to that girl. Never did I make scandalous messages or what, but my partner is sooo mad… when I confronted him before, my partner asked for an apology and he asked me a favor to just let him fix what he’s done. He even assured me that I don’t have to worry coz in his heart we are his family, he loves us (me and my daughter) and that he will never neglect us. He will never choose that girl above us.
But why, when all the truth came out, was I the one accused of ruining our family? He told me it’s my fault, everything is my fault. I always pray for him. God knows how much I really want to keep my family in tact. I always pray that he may be enlightened, that he may see the right path, and that he may realize his priorities. Because he is still on board, it’s hard on my part dealing with all these kinds of situations. I cannot do anything but to pray. He said he will not come home into our house anymore and that we will never see him now. Prayer is all I’m asking. I want this family to live happily. I want my husband to seek God because right now he is totally lost and he doesn’t know what he is doing. Please pray for my family. Thank you all… Right now all I wanna do is to read Bible and read books about God.
(CANADA) Hi Macon. Am so sorry for all the pain that you’re going thro’. I was there a few years ago. Just like you, my husband had an affair and continued to talk with his co-worker even after I found out. I contacted the other woman too and my husband would get so angry at me. Yes, I know the pain.
My testimony…God showed up. I went to God and I learnt that God had to change me first before anything in our marriage was to change. That was a tough time for me but I trusted God. It’s a time to learn to be patient and to persevere. God will heal your marriage if you ask Him to. He healed mine and I have a marriage that I never thought I would ever have. Pray for yourself for God’s strength, patience and for God to change you and teach you about marriage His way, not yours. It’s gonna be tough and maybe even get tougher but don’t give up on hope.
Pray for your husband and step out of the way so that God can work on him. Pray without ceasing. Have Christian women pray for you and with you. Don’t let the devil take your marriage away. You might have people tell you to leave your husband… don’t. He can restore your marriage. Have faith in God. Pray for the other woman too. Yes, God asks us to pray and bless our enemies. It’s gonna be really hard but with God’s grace you’ll be able to forgive her and your husband and pray for her too.
At times forgiveness is not a one time thing. In this situation you have to choose to forgive everyday. It might take time but be patient and open up your heart for God to change you, teach you and to heal you. God is faithful. I can testify to that. God can and shall bless your marriage and He can change your husband but you need to let God do it.
As for the other woman just leave her alone. You trying to communicate with her is bringing strife between you and your husband so leave her alone and she won’t have to call your husband all the time when you text her. Leave her in God’s hands and He will deal with her. Remember the enemy is going to do everything to discourage you. No matter what happens remember God is more powerful than the enemy. Read James 1:2-5. Hope this helps.
(PHI) Ms. Anne, thank you so much, I really appreciate your advice. That’s what I’m doing now. I let God handle everything because I felt I could no longer change the mind of my husband, but I know God will. God is really good, He is my strength to continue living in a normal way. Without Him I don’t know where I’m going. I asked my women Christians to pray for me, my husband, especially the mistress.
I was verbally abused, below the belt, that’s the time I stopped texting my husband and ignored all the calls from him because I was so upset. I prayed a lot that God will reveal the truth because right now the girl thinks I was a liar. Do I need to give her proof that I am telling the truth? I dont know what to do, the girl doesn’t want to leave my husband.
(UAE) I agree with you Anee. Satan’s plan is to steel, kill and destroy. So we should be aware of this always and not get discouraged at all. He is one who brings discouragement which make us forget GOD is above him.
So we need to be careful. Believe that God can change any situation. I would like to warn about disbelief in James 1:6-7 “But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is an unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.”
Even I’m in the same situation. I know my husband has comitted adultery. But now he says he’s not. Even though I dont believe that, I believe in God because he is faithful. HE is just. He is our Father, a perfect father. So he cannot go wrong in any way. May be there are something we are lacking which he wants us to set right before he shows his mighty power.
Ask a question to yourself, suppose if you never had any problem in you life. Will our devotion to God will be same as it is now? If yes, then Praise God. If not, then strive towards perfection to reach that Goal. God bless, Leera
(USA) Ok my prayer sisters, I need some big time prayers tonight. My husband is in bad company right now with some old friends and admitted he is participating in some old habits. I am so hurt and terrified right now. The devil is really trying hard to destroy my family right now. My husband and I have been fighting for two days now. He said that he doesn’t love me anymore and that he made a bad choice having our family. He said that we just got married too young and that he felt pressured by his family because we had lived together at the time.
I am so hurt and the devil… ooh boy he has been trying to play me and get me to do some stupid things as a result. Please pray for my family and marriage. I feel like this attack has come out of no where and that I just don’t know what to do. Yes I do, I need to pray more. I am going to do that now. Please pray for us? Love, Lynne
(U.S.A) Lynne, Don’t give up. My husband quit drinking only after hanging out with a bad crowd and actually getting arrested. As horrible and embarrassing as that may be, it was the best thing that has happened to him, since it brought on a spiritual desperation. We have to watch them fall sometimes so they can be humbled. We need to pray that we don’t get in the way of that. Its been a while since you wrote, so hopefully he is in a better place, as are you I ask God.
(USA) I am so encouraged by the discussion on this website. It is exactly what I needed as a married woman with two children. Thank you all for being honest and encouraging. I have been married for 5 years now and my husband and I have been through many things. Unfaithfulness on his part and mine, alcohol, fighting, lying… it seems like we’ve been through it all.
Lately we just are in a cycle of fighting. We are always, always fight and never seem to agree on anything. We’ve had times where we each are putting God first and the marriage is transformed to something great. Not now though, back and forth we go. I’m totally tired about his continuous anger about everything in his life and he’s mad because when I don’t feel love from him I totally shut down in the intimacy department because I feel its a way of protecting myself.
Through it all I need to keep focused on taking the plank out of my eye first!!, which is really not something I want to do because I just plain don’t wanna because of the hurt I feel. I need to realize that God has plans to prosper me and not harm me. I need to realize that my trust is in God not my husband. I know these things but putting it into practice doesn’t come naturally.
I want to encourage you LYNNE, because I have been on that end where your husband is right now, getting together with old friends and all that world brings. I pray that God comforts you in this time and I pray that God reveals to your husband what Gods perfect plan is for his life.
(BAHAMAS) This is so nice to read everyday.
(NEW YORK) Hello, I came across this just by looking for the power of a praying wife that was shared with me at my church. This is divine intervention to read all of the issues women deal with. My current issue is I am married for 2 years and am very unhappy with my companion. I have been verbally abused and have had physical abuse from him as well.
My past relationships involved a lot of physical abuse and now that I’m married and I am dealing with the same issues. I have become withdrawn, depressed, angry, and very distant with my husband. I have been praying about this marriage and have even attended some sessions with a licensed therapist. A part of me have completely given up and some of me have some hope that things will get better. I am currently active in the church and know the prayers of the righteous availeth much, however my faith is dying for us. I have not gone to my Pastor about how I am feeling and know that he will tell me GOD honors covenant. Please share some wisdom with me, I am lost right now. I honestly want out, but what does GOD say about it.
(U.S.A) Dee, I don’t actually feel like I have answers for you. I just want you to know that I read your post and will be praying for you. I don’t believe though, that what God would expect of you is to allow your husband to physically harm you (meaning that if you can get away to a safe place, please do so). I hope things have gotten better since you wrote but if not, please know that you are not alone.
Having an angry husband is heart wrenching. I have one, but I also see that I am an angry and often a very hard person. I have my own trouble, but I would love to talk more about what’s going on with you if you want. It’s so hard to not become colder and harder over time. I need to pray that God softens my heart completely and I can stop protecting myself, as to allow God to protect me.
I see my husband soften to me when he sees me be vulnerable. He puts up arms verbally when I act bitter or hard. It becomes a cycle, as I am sure all of us know. God breaks the cycle when he softens us to each other. The battle is not against flesh and blood. I keep telling myself that but it’s hard to see sometimes when your husband is calling you filthy names and telling you that you are failing as a wife. Pretty hard. Sigh. This is why praying is the only answer. The world will tell us that we should fight back, but God wants to do the fighting for us.
(AUSTRALIA) God honors covenant, but you are not God. Covenants between people are not unconditional – they are breakable by those who don’t honor them. Otherwise, sin would be allowed to rule. Prov 29:16 – when the wicked are in authority, sin flourishes.
Depression and anger are normal reactions to abusive treatment. The healthy and normal reaction is one of outrage. If someone went up to you right now and stomped on your foot, would you not be angry? What’s the difference when they tear you up on the inside? Some say anger is not of God, but that is unBiblical. God is angry everyday with the wicked (Ps 7:11) and He hates those who love violence (Ps 11:5). Anger does not equate with bitterness. You can forgive (like Christ) and still be angry (like Christ). In fact, you need to be angry. Or you will helplessly accept the status quo. Was it not anger that changed the injustices of history, like slavery?
Please don’t engage in self-blame negative self-appraisal. You already get a lot of blame from him. Concentrate on what you can do, examining your vulnerabilities with genuine acceptance and kindness. You cannot change him. Pray for yourself, not for things to get better, but for God to intervene and heal your soul. With physical injuries (eg whiplash), recovery only happens when you don’t re-injure the traumatized area. So recovery will not be possible if you are continually exposed to abuse. He needs help, but it has to come from elsewhere, not the victim. Let a professional who knows about abuse help him. Others only make things worse.
Say No to abuse. It is as harmful as drugs.
(KENYA) I need a success in my marriage.
(CANADA) Thank you for sharing that!! Powerful witness!
(CANADA) Thanks again for your honest sharing, you are a blessing to all who read your posts!
(SOUTH AFRICA) All things work together for good. Those words keeps me going and happy everyday no matter what.
(NAMIBIA) Dear Dee, It’s really hard to be married to an abusive husband. The scars are being etched hard on your body and your mind, and the devil uses that to make you bitter. It is human to be bitter and withdrawn from such a spouse but the Lord wants to fight our battles for us. Ask forgiveness from God and see your Pastor, or any church leader to support you, by talking to you and your husband. I know they will definitely be praying with you as well.
Abuse is most time, issues of the past that were not dealt with. It can be that the husband grew up in a house where the father was abusive. But men don’t really talk about those issues. Try and find out from him when you are at good terms and please go to a women’s protection unit for advice. There are always social workers at such Centres who can counsel the two of you.
I trust that God will intervene. Have faith that He can save your husband and make him a better person. Hilary, Namibia