I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(USA) Hi Anne, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I think Amber’s response is to your previous post, not the last one. Sorry to hear you had a bad night.
I think your husband started out on the right track with his suggestions but then your emotional state probably was too much for him, thus the harsh words. BUT, I’m glad you guys are talking. That’s great.
You’re in the "on your knees" state. I was there. It totally stinks while you’re in it but it’s necessary, as hard as it is, because you come through on the other side, not just with strength, but with skills you didn’t have before and a spiritual resiliency you never had before, either.
Regarding hiding sins (deep and/or grievous sins), like you said your family does – please see the following verse : I Cor. 13:6 – true, Godly love does not hide the truth. Helping the family is done in love and is the right thing to do.
God also wants me to tell you, Anne, that you will not always have an unhappy marriage, like you do now. It is unhappy now but it’s a growth period. It is just a season. You’ll get through and you will, eventually, have the happy, Godly marriage you desire.
With love and prayers.
(CANADA) Hey gals, thanks a lot for all your prayers. LT, thanks a lot for the message. It gives me so much hope to know that there are people out there praying for me. My day became better and I prayed a lot and cried a lot. It’s tough when you’re in that battle. We went to see the pastor and we prayed for my parents and also for us to have God’s strength to talk to my dad. The pastors visit went well and the pastor could immediately tell that I was troubled. I saw God’s hand today and just how much He’s helping me.
For the last 2 months my husband has been saying that he wants to talk to the pastor alone, which I encouraged, and I would tell him to do it. When he didn’t, I figured he never would. I still prayed about it, but funny thing, the way I prayed was he had to do it coz I thought he should. Of course it didn’t work until Sunday, when I changed the prayer to, if it’s God’s will for them to talk alone, for Him to open the door. On Monday I did the same, and I just surrendered that decision to God. Then today after we talked with the pastor, he asked my hubby if he’d like for them to talk alone coz he said until he talks about the stuff that’s bothering him he’ll never be able to put the relationship first. My husband said yes, and they’ll meet next week and I’ll meet with his wife.
I tell you. I looked up and just thanked God silently and thought “Wow how amazing it is when we say if it’s His will and not what we think is right!” That made me feel so good coz now he has an outlet and I know this is God’s way of opening doors that I never thought would open.
LT, thank you so much for the message from God. It has lifted me up and I just love your advice coz you know exactly what to say. May God continue blessing you and your husband and giving you the wisdom that you so willingly share. Love ya gal!
Amber, thanks a lot for your advice. I know for sure with lots of prayer and faith I’ll have my husband back. I also feel I have a friend in you coz our situations are so similar. I just love all the women here and how we support each other. I’ll do my best to plan stuff for us to do in a group. It’s tricky coz he works 6 days a week and i work evenings and i get my weekends off every 6 weeks, but God will create time for us. Thank you all so very much may God bless you all and bless your husbands and marriages abundantly. God’s love.
Amber, I did listen to that song. It’s very nice a song. I love another song also …actually 3: SOMEONE WATCHING OVER YOU & THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS-YOLANDA ADAMS and WHEN I CALL ON JESUS-NICOLE C MULLEN. I love these songs. And i came across a verse that I want to share. It’s Romans 16:20, “THE GOD OF PEACE WILL SOON CRUSH SATAN UNDER YOUR FEET THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS BE WITH YOU.” Isn’t that uplifting to know that God will crush the enemy and we’ll rise above our troubles?
(SA) Hi ladies, I just want to add keep your focus on the Lord and not on the situation or the problem. Let God handle the problem. Let HIS will be done.
You know Satan has been tormenting me, by putting thoughts of the past in mind and trying to convince me that my hubby is up to his old tricks again. And then this morning, I saw a client and she just witnessed to me, in such a wonderful way. She made me realise that I was allowing Satan to torment me.
I should believe my husband and not LOOK for problems, May God Bless each and everyone of you. Lets stand together and pray together, for where two or more than agrees in prayer, that is where the WILL of God starts.
(CANADA) Hey Sue, thanks for the message. The last 2 days I’ve been feeling anxious about things and like you, satan has really been trying to get to me. I’ve just all of a sudden had this fear, what if my husband doesn’t change and he continues to treat me the way he is? (He’s not treating me badly but there’s this arrogant behavior that he has adopted that just puts me off.) I realise this is satan’s way of destroying me. Pray for me so that the Holy Spirit of comfort may comfort me. It’s like, once God helps me overcome one thing, satan comes in with another. I’ve prayed to God and I’ve been open with Him about all my fears. Just pray that the enemy is destroyed. Thank you ladies, I love you all. May God bless you all.
(USA) Anne & Sue, I couldn’t help but relate to your situations. I to fall victim to allowing the devil to place suspicions in my mind. I have found a couple of things very helpful. Of course I pray about it, but I also let my husband know that his actions help create doubt. You can forgive the past, but try as you may, the only thing that will allow you to forget the past is time. I am learning this now very slowly.
I am constantly suspicious most of the time for no good reason. Then if I do discover something is going on, I usually flip out and act like a fool. Guess what I learned? It makes things so much worse. I read the emotionally distant husband (on this site). LT and Laurie really helped me see some things recently. Your intuitions are usually caused by something, and if you can’t just let it go, there often is a reason. Then the devil plays on that and makes you believe the worst! The devil doesn’t tear you down, he actually builds you up. He plays on your doubts, building you up (with anger, & sadness), and watches as you tear yourself down.
This is something I am just realizing myself. The devil is our enemy and he uses our own insecurities and doubts against us, until we self-destruct. Having a marriage without trust is the perfect breeding ground for doubts. I haven’t yet figured out how to trust my husband again. I think my wounds are just too fresh, but I am trying. Like any type of pain, I think God and time are the only healers. Some how knowing this makes me "on guard" and the devil can’t play my doubts like before. But the moment my husband does something that reminds me of before, my doubts start creeping up on me.
So now I say something right away. I say how I feel and what action of his made me feel that way. For example if you notice your husband is leaving the room when his phone rings; after he has finished with his call (and you stop yourself from eavesdropping), approach him and let him know that his actions hurt your feelings. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing? Ask him if the thought of you speaking with someone would bother him? Then politely ask him to consider your feelings before quickly leaving the room. (Be as calm and sincere as possible, do not allow anger in your tone.)
After which, you should leave the room and let him think about it. Most men do not think as fast as women in emotional situations. They are often trying to avoid emotion all together. That is why they say things that you would never in your life hear a woman say.
Let your hubby be with his thoughts after you express your feelings, so that he can consider his own. I guarantee he is not going to think about feelings with you around. (Hint: take the TV remote with you, he won’t watch TV if he has to get up to turn the channels and if he does he won’t pay attention.)
Spend that time away with GOD. Pray for your husband. Pray that his heart, mind, and body is being faithful. Pray for strength and leave it in GOD’s hands. You can’t change what your husband does, and you can’t stop him from unfaithful thoughts or actions. GOD can!
Please pray that in the heat of the moment, I too can remember what I’ve learned and shared. I’ll be praying for you ladies, and your marriages. My God bless you all, and thank you for all the help you’ve given me. Reading your words are more comfort then I can even explain and I know that HE brought me here to learn. Pray that my heart stays open, Love, Lynne
(USA) Hi Lynne, Wow! Your insights are quite deep! I find myself learning some things from your recent epiphanies as well. Thanks for sharing!!
Additionally – if the infidelity is recent, I agree, it will be a few months until you can see your husband as a loyal spouse, instead of an unfaithful one. Eventually you have to get to the place of seeing him in the present, not for his past mistakes, but that does take a while. Until then, take it day to day and pray and read the scriptures for comfort and a healthy point of view. Love and prayers, LT
(USA) Hello everyone- I have been reading your comments for the past few weeks and I must say they have been so inspiring and helpful to me as well as "Power of a Praying Wife" which the Lord led me to buy after reading here. I had been on this sight off and on since my marriage a little over two years ago. I called myself reading up on how to be a Christian wife. However, I would read and and the words would go right out of my head in dealing with my husband.
We have been separated for three weeks now. This all started with me finding out about his adultery last year. I threatened on more than one occasion to divorce him but I really never wanted to. I wanted us to work things out and I believed we could -with God’s help. Yet I did not seek God’s help with a clean heart in doing so. I was following the world’s way of dealing with this. So the arguments escalated even though my husband was very remorseful and trying to help me (and us) heal. Yet I would not allow him to do so. He is also dealing with some major issues -he is very broken inside right now. So he began to pull away from me and things got worse and worse.
He decided he needed some time to himself to ‘get his head together’. I resisted all the way up until he pulled out of the garage. He is staying with a male friend right now. I want him to come home so badly! Yet during this time -God has really shown me what a not so good wife I was. How disrespectful I have been to my husband, how condescending I have been, disrespectful of his mother, not making love but once every few weeks (and I have no problems to prevent me from doing so -I just didn’t feel like it). He has shown me that my husband felt so rejected by me. I know his affair was not my fault -yet I have contributed heavily to be breakdown of out marriage.
So, while I really want him to come home -I am grateful for the time we have been apart. God needed to work on us separately for while. God is really transforming me into the wife He wants me to be -not the wife I think I should be. I believe He is doing the same with my husband. and I know He will transform my marriage into the marriage He wants us to have.
I still struggle with doubting and with thoughts of ‘what if we never get back together’ or ‘what if he is with someone else’ (even though he says he’s not and I don’t think he is) but I know the devil is trying to keep us apart. The enemy begins to attack more and more as I get closer to God. I just hope and pray every day that my husband will begin to see God’s way and not satan’s.
So please pray for us and our marriage to be healed. Thank you for your inspirations and thanks Cindy and Steve for this web site.
(USA) My husbands wants a separation/divorce. I know that God has told me to stand, but it is so hard when my husband is telling me to leave or he will divorce me. Our problems started out of nowhere and they just escalated to him sleeping separately from me for over a year now. Then in October we had a confrontation and he spent the night in jail. This has caused him to say that he fears me and going to jail. My husband refuses to go back to church now. He says that when he is away from me, he will begin his healing process and go back to church. He is detached, very little if any conversation, intimacy does not exist, maybe 1 or 2 times a month when I initiate it, but that is a struggle.
He continues to refer back to his past relationships and how he dealt with things. I try to tell him that I am his wife and not his girlfriend. Lately my flesh has become weak and I’ve been tempted to go outside my house for affection, and things that I lack at home. I know this is wrong and I have fought the trick of the enemy. Now I’m facing standing and trusting in God, or letting my husband serve me with divorce papers.
(USA) April- I am sorry for what you are going through. Please continue to pray and especially pray not to fall into temptation. My husband also has not been going to church. I am going to pray about that and leave it to God.
April, stand for your marriage. Ask God for the strength to do so. He will see you through. It is hard, I will say, but I believe in the goodness of our Heavenly Father.
(USA) April, It’s not your fault! No really it’s not, Stop wondering what you did wrong right NOW! Something is obviously going on in his world and he is projecting it on to you. The devil is playing him and using his past hurt to come between you two. I’ve only been married a couple of years and I know exactly what your going through. I would also come right out and ask him why he wants you gone so bad? He says it’s to work on himself then maybe he should go away for awhile and find what he is seeking? You can’t seek something by chilling at home on the couch.
I don’t mean to encourage any doubts but from my own personal experience, if he’s not getting it from you (intimacy) he’s either artificially getting it, or is going somewhere else. This is something you need to confront, and ask him how he is being satisfied? But do not sound accusing and pray GOD opens his heart and mind before you go to speak with him, also pray that your hurt doesn’t overshadow your true goal (reconciliation). Hurt is a very powerful thing, but it’s not as powerful as LOVE, and HIS name means LOVE.
If you’ve already confronted him one on one, now you must try confronting him with two or three witnesses. Check out Matthew 18:15-20. You may be afraid that he will not react very well to this method but put your faith in GOD and HE will right the wrongs. (Tip: Do not bring witnesses who know you two very personally. Ask someone who’s faith is strong but who can be objective. Parents –yours or his, are OFF LIMITS! A trusted fellow church member or Pastor would work great.) There is a reason HE tells us to handle being sinned against in this manner. You cannot go it alone, and it is not your fault! Keep faith and keep praying, don’t assume or think the worst either. Draw comfort from the truth that you’re loved and as hard as it is leave the rest to HIM.
April, I am praying for you and girl, I am going to be praying hard. There is also a great section about divorce in Matthew, check that out and use it if need be. Good Luck April, I am praying for you. Love ya– Lynne
(USA) MB, I wrote some things to Sue and Ann previously, that I think may help you too. I also understand what it is like to start noticing your flaws after the pain (of what he did) starts to subside. But be honest to yourself, if you’re doing these things that make you feel bad about the person (and wife) that you are, then there’s probably a reason.
First thing, recognize game when you’re being played. The devil is playing you and his greatest weapon is the element of surprise. Secondly, you haven’t fully forgiven your husband. Pray that GOD gives you the strength to let it go. Trust me I know how impossible it is, but GOD makes the impossible possible so don’t go it alone. Lastly, it’s going to take time. You can’t forgive instantaneously; only HE can, but pay attention to your own efforts. You won’t forgive at all if you don’t keep trying.
Beating yourself up over what you’ve been doing wrong is not going to change anything, so stop. You recognized that you were being destructive and now you can change that, but don’t dwell on it. You must have a tremendous heart if you can admit your faults (Most people wont). Dwell on that and build yourself up because GOD is the ultimate awesomeness, and you are HIS child. Pray that your actions and subconscious are guided by the Father. Keep your true goal in mind. What do you want?
If you want to save your marriage focus on that, be not distracted by your faults. That’s the devil distracting you from achieving your goal by lowering your self-esteem and pulling you away from having a good marriage again. Keep your eyes on GOD and the rest will follow (eventually, and waiting is the hardest part). Your wanting to have your husband come home is completely understandable because regardless of the quality of job he did, he is the leader of your household and just because you’re capable of making it on your own, it doesn’t mean it feels good.
I too know what that is like. You might want to read some of the articles on here regarding separation. You can’t make him come back, but GOD can. You can’t save him if he choses to defy GOD, but GOD can! His burden is not yours. That’s between him and GOD, but if you miss him, telling him that may not be a bad idea. Don’t let your pride stop you from saying how you feel because he did you wrong. Pride isn’t worth a thing when it comes to matters of the heart. When choosing between love and pride; LOVE always wins, because you get really lonely when it’s just you and your pride. Be hurt, you have every right, but don’t forget to heal. You can forgive someone even though it still hurts. But if you hold on to that hurt, eventually that’s all you’ll have left.
Good Luck MB. My love and prayers are with you. Believe me when I say that I may not fully understand your situation(s) but I can definitely understand my own, and I remember (still know) what that kind of despair and hopelessness feels like. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but you have to realize that you have control over it, and you don’t have to feel bad. I love you girl and I hope and pray for you. Love, Lynne
(CANADA) Hey gals it’s been a few days since i was here. I’ve been doing ok somedays are harder than the rest. Today was challenging coz i was just being engulfed with bitterness towards my husband. Satan has a way of going into someones mind coz all the things i was thinking about are things that have happened. I prayed alot and asked God to forgive me for all the negative thoughts. There are days that i just get so tired of all this. There are days that i just feel anxious and this are the days that my heart is filled with anguish. I realise that this are the days that i really need to pray and let it go so that God can take care of it. Tomorrow we go back to see our pastor and it’s the first time that my husband will speak to him alone and i’ll be with his wife. I know this is God’s way of opening the door for my husband to get the guidance he needs and to talk about whats going on with him. Please pray for him to be able to open up coz thats not one of his strong qualities. I have been praying and i know for sure that it will not take that one day but for God to continue opening the door for my husband. Also pray for me coz satan is really trying to destroy me am fighting hard i think i’m just afraid with all this negative thoughts i’ll miss to hear what God is telling me. Thanks alot ladies i love you all and appreciate all your prayers.
Lynne thanks alot for the advice i’m trying to open up to my husband too if he notices when there’s something wrong all i do is say a silent prayer befeore speaking so that i may not speak with resentment and it’s working. Telling him that theres nothing wrong when there is is a habit i need to break.
(SA) Hi Ladies, I’ve been reading all your comments, and I thank God that I am able to see the changes that are taking placing within my marriage. Small things that never happened before, like getting a cup of coffee in the morning before my hubby goes to work – this is something he NEVER does – and the other day telling me that he’s never too busy to spare me 5 minutes of his time – at work. This is something I have longed to hear, but never did.
These are 2 small things, but they show that change is possible without nagging or making suggestions from your side. Just leave it up to our Heavenly Father to make the changes that need to be made, and accept that in some ways your hubby may never change. But then it is with God’s consent. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.
The Lord is powerful and mighty, and (as in my case) even if your husband is not a believer, as Lynn says, the power of God can enable him to become one. With God all things are possible. We as their wives should just keep praying, as that is how we can show our love to our hubby’s. God wants our marriages to work, God believes in marriage!
So keep praying day and night and make God your priority, and ask God to open your eyes to see what God is doing. Open your eyes, heart, mind and spirit and WATCH and see what OUR FATHER does for us. HE loves each of us. God Bless
(USA) Anne, Glory be to GOD that things are getting better even if it doesn’t feel like it right away. HE is at work in both of you right now. Praise him, I am praying for you and for your husband. I must admit I was really hoping you’d write again and checking frequently because you both are making an effort to bring GOD into this and that is when the devil really starts to hit you hard. That is what the devil is doing to you right now. The minute you think a negative thought, train yourself to follow it with "oh that was the devil" and move on (even if you have to distract yourself). Recognition is the biggest weapon you have because your heart’s wants are true and your mind will follow if you "call out" what is happening.
That is something I have to do when my husband does something bad to me or treats me poorly. I have to stop and realize what is going on so that I don’t start tearing him down in my mind to make myself feel better. I have to realize that it’s just the devil playing on my insecurities and if I can stop myself from tearing my husband down to feel better then I’ve done two great things. I’ve grown closer to GOD and I’ve improved the my image of my husband and it’s easier to respect him.
I will keep you both in my prayers and I’ll be praying protection for both of you, and if you figure out a good way to break that habit let me know. I have the same one and I haven’t quite broken it yet either (especially when I dwell on what I’m mad about and it takes him a minute to ask.) So far "calling it out" right away has helped but if you figure out something better or something to accompany it let me know please? Love Ya, Lynne
(USA) Anne, Hey girl I am still praying for you and I was just wondering how everything went yesterday? God Bless, Love ya,
Lynne