I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your prayers. Yesterday went well. My husband met with the pastor and I went for coffee with the pastors wife. He didn’t tell me what they talked about and I didn’t ask. All I asked was if it well and if he was comfortable talking to him, and he said he was, so that was good. And he was in a really good mood afterwards.
My talk with the wife went well too and she was very encouraging. She told me that until my husband forgives himself, he’ll continue to be withdrawn, but she said I can make it easy for him by being loving. And that works most of the time. It will pull him towards me. I should pray for God’s guidance and for HIS love to flow through me, and I can give that love to my husband. She also said that this will help him want to come home from work.
My husband feels his days at work are the best. First, people don’t ask him about the marriage. And he’s so busy he doesn’t think about his problems. But at home, it’s a reminder of all the issues that are going on. She challenged me, and told me that everyday I have to do something loving for my husband, and to start by being affectionate. There’s no physical contact at all, so when he gets home from work I should hug him if even if he won’t hug me back.
I’ve been told this before on this site by Amber, and I’ve read about spouses who’ve been loving to their withdrawn spouses, and they slowly come back and they always say that if it wasn’t for that, they may have taken a longer time.
Pray for me that I may be able to do this everyday. I’ve told myself that I should do this, but when I see him I kinda freeze. But that satan’s way of getting me to be unloving. Yesterday when we got home I wrote him an email and just told him something simple about how I appreciated him doing laundry and cooking dinner the previous day, and that I love him. I just texted him and told him he has mail. I need prayers for guidance and patience. It won’t be easy being affectionate to someone who won’t reciprocate, but with faith it shall happen. Thanks a lot for all your prayers I know things will get better for us. I’m praying for you too. God Bless
(USA) Anne, I am so glad to hear that. PRAISE GOD! That is great advice. I’ll continue to pray for you and for your ability to physically show him your affections. You are on the right track girl, and I am so happy for you. It sounds like you both are making an effort, and that you’ve got awesome help. If you ever need to talk I am here. GOD BLESS! Love Ya, LYNNE
(CANADA) Hey girls, I need help. I found out that my hubby is still talking to the other woman. I have to confront the issue. Just pray that I do it in a way that will not escalate into an argument. I honestly don’t know how to react, coz I’m trying so hard to forgive him and her …and then this. I know I’ve been praying for God to end their friendship and I should trust HIM, but now I just feel like taking matters into my own hands. I figure that’s exactly what satan wants me to do and I won’t let him win. I don’t know what to do. I had just decided I would do a loving thing everyday, and now this…. Please pray for my husband to let go of her. I just feel like giving him an ultimatum –either her or our marriage. Pray for me please. Thanks. Love ya all
(CANADA) Hey ladies I fell into the enemy’s trap… I feel so awful now, my heart is broken and I’m crying for God to forgive me because I didn’t trust Him to take care of the situation. I called that woman and I lost it and asked her why there’s still communication between the 2 of them. She said that they are just friends. She told me some stuff that my hubby has told her –all lies, and when I asked him, he said he didn’t tell her that. I don’t know what the truth is.
But now I’m so scared that my hubby will end the marriage, because he shut me out and told me to just shut up. We argued, and now I know I fell in the devils trap. I’m so scared because I didn’t leave it to God. What shall I do? I need your help and prayers for God to restore this marriage and to show my hubby what he’s doing. It was just yesterday that we were making progress and now I’m gripped with fear for my marriage. I feel so guilty for not trusting God. I need you all so much and I feel so alone now. Please pray for me. Thanks. Pray that my husband doesn’t say it’s over.
(USA) Anne, WAIT! STOP!!!! Do not confront him by yourself. Call your pastor right now. RIGHT NOW! Have your pastor and his wife go with you when you confront him. If you do it by yourself, your emotions will overtake you and satan will be using them. Refer to Matthew 18:15-20 when someone sins against you. You do confront them first on your own, but you’ve already done that before. Confront him now with two witnesses and your pastor and his wife are already trusted and informed. GOD is working here TRUST HIM!
There is a reason those meeting went so well and maybe this is why, because if it hadn’t gotten better before, this would have been a final blow. Now there are people in your world who can help. I BEG you NOT to go at this alone BRING GOD. Bring the pastor and his wife Please! Your husband knows he’s done wrong whether he thinks you know or not. So satan will make him defensive and your emotions are running high. I can’t stress enough please bring your pastor with you. You can’t fix this but GOD can!
I am praying for you Anne, and if you need anything you can definitely ask. I am at work now, but I can give you my personal email for later if you just want to vent. If you feel like you need to scream then do it, but just do it before you see him. I am not in anyway distracting you from what he did, but I am telling you that if you handle this the wrong way you’ll feel terrible all over again. And none of this needs to make you feel that way. I love ya girl and I am seriously praying hard for you right now. Love, LYNNE
(USA) Anne, I guess after refreshing this page, I posted that comment too late. You didn’t handle the situation well, that is true, but this whole situation is not your fault. You didn’t sin against your husband. You did however sin against GOD, and you need to simply ask HIM for forgiveness and ask him to fill your heart with trust in HIM. Start trusting HIM now and that’s how you’ll repent. Trust HIM that even after all that’s happened, HE can FIX this. HE loves you and you need only ask him and have faith that HE will do right for you.
Anne I am praying so hard for you and your husband. Call Your pastor right away Please? You need some more guidance and your pastor already knows about the current situation in your life. Please don’t fear your marriage ending that is the devil. You should never fear your marriage. I love you girl and I am here if you need me. Keep praying. You only have to ask him, that’s all, but if you stop asking then you wont receive. I’ll be praying. LOVE, LYNNE
(USA) Hi Anne, I’m putting in my 2 cents. I agree with Lynne. You already confronted the situation on your own, as the verses she gave you in Matthew describe. Now you need to bring in others. I agree.
You should not consider ending the marriage – you’ve been doing very well. But if your husband makes that decision, he is in sin. Basically, whomever makes the decision, is in sin (as far as I can tell based on scriptures I know of) so let it not be you.
And I agree with Lynne, also, that at this point your emotions are still too close to the surface. This situation is in the VERY early stages of being dealt with. You have to walk this longer and learn more, that God wants you to, before you will be spiritually mature enough, and objective enough, to handle these things on your own. That is why God has placed your pastor and his wife in your (and your husband’s) path right now.
I’ll keep you in my prayers. Thanks for sharing with all of us!
(CANADA) Hey Gals thanks a lot for the messages. I called my pastor but he was not in the office. I’ll most likely talk to him on Monday. I had a really tough night, one of the worst since my problems started. For the first time my strength gave out and I fell and I didn’t try to get up. I was so defeated and I didn’t know what to do. I saw what letting go of God can lead to, because I felt so horrible. I felt ashamed and angry at myself for letting go of God and doing what satan had planned, to destroy what God is trying to build. I felt so bad because I gave satan the foothold and allowed myself to fall into his trap.
I cried the whole night for God to forgive me for letting go of HIM and for losing faith and trust in HIM. I prayed that He would restore my faith and to help me to let go of all that had happened, and for Him to take it all. I felt worthless to be before Him because I felt I had let Him down so much, and I feared that I won’t feel His presence. It was really hard and I realised the fear that I had for my hubby to end the marriage, was satan again trying to make me feel horrible. I really prayed last night.
I know what it’s truly like to fear the Lord because the fear of the Lord gripped me yesterday. I wrote my husband an email today and just told him how I felt about the whole thing. I swallowed my pride and apologized for dealing with the whole situation the wrong way. He called me and told me that this woman is not in our marriage. I feel differently about it, but God will help me out here. We didn’t argue which was good. We had a good talk. We didn’t finish because he was at work, but we’ll finish when he gets home. Pray that God may reveal to him what he’s doing isn’t working with our marriage and the healing.
He didn’t apologize for what happened. I was prepared for that though. I think what makes me so angry is that he txt her, asking her about her day (they work together so…). Why can’t he txt me, which he doesn’t? They went for lunch and I’m just wondering how long will I hurt because of their so called "friendship"?
Just pray for me to let this go, so that God can handle their friendship His way, because I can’t control what my husband does. Pray for us please to find healing. I asked God to let something good come out of this. I feel and know that He will open a door for us. I need you gals a lot. Pray for my husband to find God’s guidance in all this, and for him to get his answers from God. I just want all this to end.
I did ask God where I haven’t grown spiritually, for Him to guide me through it. My hubby is going away this weekend, which I can’t wait, so I can have that time alone to get closer to God. Pray that God will open the door for communication so that we talk and be there for one another, instead of us dealing with our issues separately, because satan is trying to use that against us. I’m glad though that God forgave me because I can feel it. Thanks a lot for always being there. I honestly don’t know what I would do without all your help and prayers. May God bless you all.
(USA) Hi Anne, I’m not in a position to do thorough research on the scriptures right now though (although I know there are ones that exist) but your husband’s "friendship" IS inappropriate.
He should NOT be having lunch with her or speaking to her much unless the job requires it.
See the articles here about "putting a hedge around your heart and marriage" because I think those contain the verses I’m thinking of. Proverbs talks a lot about that.
I don’t know that you should tell your husband this (yet) but you should be aware of them. Obviously God has seen to it you grow first and more, before your husband will. It happens that way sometimes (and I’ve seen it a lot) where the wife starts seriously following God intensely before the husband does.
That’s what came to mind reading your latest comment. That, and don’t beat yourself up too much. I can assure you God knows us all intimately and knows when/where/how we’ll fall. I’m glad you are repentant of your sin, but I also think it happened for you to learn from. God forgives you and you are clean. With love, LT
(USA) Anne, I have been praying so hard for you all day and asking people I pray with to pray as well. (Don’t worry didn’t mention everything.) I agree one million and 5 percent with LT. The relationship between your husband and this other woman is inappropriate to say the least. He expects to carry on a friendship with a woman that he had an affair with? That’s not just cutting your wife, that’s twisting the knife.
Please don’t be offended but because of our very similar situations, I spoke with my husband about you. I asked him what it took for him to completely let go of everything he was doing that was hurting me. He told that it was when He started getting closer to GOD! Your hubby wants to be closer to GOD now. He met with the pastor and according to this email thread he’s been wanting to do that for a long time.
Anne, You need to call your pastor on his home number. If he doesn’t have it listed then I would call someone who has it. However, I wouldn’t think that his number would be hard to get. You are not bugging him! GOD’s work doesn’t happen from 9-5 and waiting until Monday is a mistake. Monday is a long ways away.
Girl, I cannot even tell you how I read your comments and cried. Now I check every morning and night to see how you’re doing. I know all to well how you feel. Do not beat yourself down. You already sincerely asked GOD to forgive you for wavering in your faith and trust. Guess what? It’s done. The moment you asked it was done. So let that go or you just leave more room for the devil to play.
Talk with your pastor about this so called "friendship". He is going to agree that this bond that they have is against GOD and of the devil. If your husband responds with "oh so I can’t have friends now?" do not argue with him but simply remind him that this woman who did these things with him helped him get a little bit closer to hell, and they almost brought you along for the ride. With friends like that he’ll never need enemies.
You love him and want to spend your life with him and that includes your life in heaven. You would never do anything to hurt him but You can’t save him. Tell him only GOD can save him now, drowning GOD out because he wants to fulfill his own wants will never get him to heaven. He knows that spending time with her is wrong and he knows he’s ignoring GOD, but what he’s forgetting is that by spending time with her he’s actually bonding with the devil. That’s dangerous!
Pray for him Anne with all your might. Call your pastor at home. I promise you he will not think of you as rude. Your husband and your marriage are in trouble, and you both need help. God finally made your husband go to the pastor for a reason. That was not you who did that. God is telling you about your wrongs so that you can help your husband without a heavy heart. You can’t save your husband only GOD can but HE expects you to help. If HE didn’t then he wouldn’t have put you in your husband’s life to begin with.
Remember that Helping is NOT doing though. MAKE THE CALL! Pray as soon as you hang up, and allow GOD to work. Leave it at that and Trust HIM to do the rest. Then spend that time with GOD, because it’s hard to spend time with him when you’re not doing what he told you to do. Trust me, I found that one out first hand.
One last thing, Pray for this other woman as well. Pray that she too is able to see how she is going against GOD. She may be hurting just as much because of her actions. If you can’t do that yet, I can’t say that I blame you, it’s still a very fresh wound. But just keep it in the back of your mind because her soul is going to need some saving too and only GOD can do that too. I’m praying for all involved. My thoughts, heart, and most of all prayers are with you.
Anne if you need anything ask, I will keep checking on you. I love ya girl. LOVE, LYNNE
(CANADA) Hey Lynne and LT, thanks a lot for all your help and prayers. I didn’t call the pastor. I actually didn’t think of calling him at home and I have the number. I’ll do that though. I had gone for prayers at our church with my friend, and it was nice. She really prayed for me a lot and told me to ask God to remind me the reasons why I loved my hubby from the beginning.
I know that we’ll get through this. I handed it all to God. I have been praying for this other woman, and it wasn’t easy the first time, because I choked with anger. Now I ask God to forgive her and to show her that what she’s doing is sinful. She’s so young — 20yrs, just a kid who’s out to have fun, and that angers me so much. I shall tell our pastor about it because he needs to talk to my husband. I do need a lot of prayers because I have an unforgiving heart now, and I need guidance from God on how to deal with this. Pray for my husband because he needs guidance and he needs to end this friendship.
I’ll continue praying, and gals pray for me. I do feel better but I know satan shall try to destroy me but I’ll stand. I’ll read that article LT. Thanks gals, and God Bless
Hi Anne, I want you to be assured that you are being prayed for by many others that you aren’t even aware of … including Steve and me.
As I’ve been reading through all that you have written, and the exchange that you have had with others, I have to say that Steve and I agree with a lot of the advice that you’ve been given. And the love exchanged in the comments have been a blessing! But there are a few additional things I’d like you to consider.
There is a time to be quiet and listen for what God is saying to you, and a time to petition the Lord for all that is going on around you. But there is also a time when the Lord gives you a voice to respectfully say what needs to be said AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME and in the appropriate way — to speak “the truth in love.” It may or may not be received as it should be, but your responsibility is to give, and leave the results to God, who is leading the way. Your husband is responsible to the Lord for what he does with what is given to him.
Prayerfully prepare your heart to speak words (if God so leads) and live out actions that you can share with your husband — ones that could help him (and both of you) through this time in your marriage. And listen to what the Lord tells you, as for your part in all of this. Be humble and truthful — strong in the Lord, but not in pride.
Your husband is a wonderful man in many ways. I’m sure of that. The Lord has affirmed that to me. But he’s naive and is playing into the hands of the enemy of our faith. He is playing with the fire of temptation and is gambling with your marriage relationship — assuming that the marriage will survive whatever actions he decides to put forth in living his life. That can lead to a true downfall if he’s not more careful than he has been in the past.
At times we’ve all played with temptation and have fallen. This doesn’t make your husband any worse than you or me or anyone else. It just means that he needs to wise up, quit entertaining the enemy of our faith, and do what is right in how he leads his life. Many other people are affected and infected by our foolish actions.
I’m reminded of the scriptures that say, “‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24) And also: “Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).
When you apply these scriptures (and others) to what is happening right now in your marriage, you both need to consider what you are doing as individuals that is “constructive” and what “leads to peace” and to “mutual edification” (both within your home and outside of your home, for the sake of your marriage partnership and ultimately for the Kingdom of God). Throw away from you whatever behavior is destructive and whatever leads to tearing apart your partnership with each other and with the Lord. Grab onto the good.
Your marriage very well may survive this “phase” of foolishness and selfism. But at what price? And how is that truly good for anyone in the long run? What is the eternal price that is being paid here? It’s a time to wise up and live accordingly.
A book that strongly came to mind last night, as I was praying for you and others that have reached out to this ministry, is one of my favorites. It’s titled, “Because I Said Forever” by Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah. I highly recommend that you get this book. (If you order it through Amazon.com through this web site, Marriage Missions even gets a small commission — but wherever you get it, the point is that it has some great principles in it that I think you could benefit from reading.)
You can read a description about it in the “For Married Women” section of this web site under “Links and Resource Descriptions.” It’s basically a book for women to inspire and help them through the tough challenges of marriages — ones in which we want to retreat from and give up on, but ones in which the Lord can do a resurrection work if we allow Him to strengthen and help us to persevere and be wise in how we approach things.
This book specifically, has several chapters written about women, who have faced difficult challenges like yours but have learned how to set down loving but decisive boundaries with their husbands. And God, because He was the one who showed them how and when to do this, has blessed them because of it. I think these chapters, and the whole book, would be good for you to read and pray about, to help you in your marriage.
There’s another book titled “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan that could help you to see “what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants.” I would highly recommend this book also. It’s also one of my favorites and is appropriate for what you are trying to learn.
We also have an article in the “Emotionally Distant Spouse” section that you may benefit from reading. It is titled, “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness.” My husband Steve made the comment to me. “Her husband doesn’t change because he has no reason to. He sees no consequences for not changing his behavior. He feels he can have ‘the best of both worlds’ for free, because his wife is making it too easy for him. But he is wrong.” As long your husband feels that you will just roll over and let him do what he wants to do, without having to change, he very well may do so. Why not?
I’m not saying that you rant and rave and set down foolish boundaries. But read the article and see the tone of what is being said. You are fighting for the preservation and health of your marriage. What would Jesus have you do? What would He do?
Above all books and articles that I recommend, reading the Bible is the most important. It will show you the principles for living, which will point you to the principles of loving your husband, and living with him, as God has ordained for you to do.
I pray this helps in some way. My love and prayers are with you, Cindy
(USA) Anne, That is awesome that you had prayer with a fellow believer. Focusing on GOD is the best thing you can do. I will definitely be praying for your ability to have a forgiving heart. Cindy is right you need to have limits with your husband. Pray for guidance before setting them and before implementing them.
Anne, there is also a great article on this website about bitterness. I know because I am currently going through some issues and hard times with forgiveness as well. I’ve found these articles helpful as well as I’ve been spending a lot of time in the book of Matthew right now. As reflected by my recent recommendations. The unforgiving servant is a very humbling story if you really need that extra kick. Love, ya
Cindy,
You are completely right! You and your husband are truly touched by the Spirit and I am blessed that HE brought me to this site. Thank you.
Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me. Please pray that I to can have a forgiving heart and let go of betrayal and hurt. I have to meet with my in laws again and while the situation has been confronted and hurt let out, tomorrow will be the first time that we’re all together again since all this hurt was brought to light. I feel as if I have forgiven; I guess I’m just more nervous about the awkwardness that’s going to happen. I feel as if I am going to be walking on egg shells tomorrow so pray that I do not trip? Thank you all for your kindness.
I’ve never been so close to strangers. Love, Lynne
(USA) How do you react when your husband refuses to talk to you? Mine is being so immature right now. He recently broke some promises and took advantage of my family’s kindness. I tried to talk to him about it and he turned his back towards me and said that he didn’t want to hear me or see me any more. He told me to get out of his sight and jump off a bridge. Needless to say I started breaking dishes. All of a sudden He could see me again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I went to church today and then to his family’s house without him. Then he showed up there later and acted as if nothing was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it again today and it was impossible.
I gave him an Ultimatum last Dec. and he chose us (our family). Now he says that it doesn’t matter that he broke his promises because he never wanted to make them in the first place, and I made him. He doesn’t care about how much he hurts me. He started immediately attacking me saying I can’t keep our house clean and I don’t cook anymore. I work 40-60 hours a week and I do get behind because I have a 6 month old and my husband doesn’t help me unless we’ve gotten into a fight. Then after which he constantly critiques me, and acts like he’s King Kong or something. I can’t take this anymore. He is completely cutting off communication again. He said that he doesn’t care if I do leave.
I don’t understand what to do. I am having a really hard time praying for him right now. Every thing’s been going so great it seemed, but that was only because he learned to lie a little bit better. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stand that fact that he doesn’t respect me, I can’t stand the fact that he talks to me like a dog. I can’t stand the fact that he pretends to be where we need to be but is out doing the same old things behind my back. He is living his life and playing family on the side.
What do you do when you set limits and he just steps all over them, and breaks them to pieces? Love, LYNNE
(USA) Hi Lynne, I’m sorry to hear things are going so badly. I said a brief prayer before writing this. I want to try and briefly write down my thoughts.
The first thing that came to mind was that everything your husband said/did is all stuff I’ve heard and still hear, over and over and over again. The most important thing is to recognize when a conversation is going nowhere (and you know when it is b/c you described it above) and try to leave as calmly, politely and tactfully as possible. Then – GO PRAY!
Is it easy to dismiss yourself when you’ve been hurt and/or emotions are running high? No way! BUT – it’s where you have to get. I still struggle with it myself but through a lot of trial, error and perseverance, I have become more objective in times like that than I ever thought I’d be and I can assure you it is God in me, not my flesh. My flesh wants to do what you did – break dishes. (That’s not the right approach or reaction, obviously).
As for what he says – you don’t clean enough, blah blah blah. Leave the insults in the room as you leave the room itself. Don’t even let that in. That’s Satan using your husband to get to you. In the bigger picture – this is your fight against Satan. A friend told me once, let someone else’s garbage be their garbage. That’s just trash talk coming out of his mouth because he’s defensive and since you "wounded" him, he’s going to do the same to you. It’s tit for tat. It’s reviling evil for evil and railing for railing, which the Bible forbids. Don’t let it sink in.
The best thing I’ve found in situations like that, for me, is to leave and go pray. I used to sob and pray for an hour, sometimes longer. But over the months, when I find myself that upset and I go pray now. It’s literally no more than 10 minutes and God touches my heart and I’m right as rain. It’s an acquired skill that can only be ascertained by much practice but you can get there.
I would say, keep trying to have the conversations but ONLY when you know the emotional mood is okay for that. ALWAYS dismiss yourself when the trash talking starts. Over time, you’ll find the conversations getting longer and longer and the trash talking less and less. You’ll find yourself making more headway but it takes a lot of practice. That’s what’s happened with me.
Don’t let your boundaries down either. You know the limits you set – keep sticking to them even if your husband doesn’t respect them. As long as they are Godly limits and are done out of a love for God and your family (the best thing for the family) they are acceptable boundaries.
Did you read the article on this website about boundaries? If not, post back and I can give you the link.
There’s also a small article based on the book Sacred Influence. It’s got good info. The book, however…..well, I bought it and was greatly disappointed by the sharp tone of the author and I DO NOT recommend it for anyone who is in an abusive situation. It only devotes a few small pages, all the way in the middle of the book, to abuse but a lot of the language in the book points the finger at it being women’s faults that they have problems to begin with. I found the book highly disappointing but the brief article here on the website, was VERY helpful to me (strangely enough). I don’t want to talk too much more about the book – that’s reserved for the article page where I might leave a comment if I feel led to but I do recommend that article here.
Let me know if you need either of those links.
Also – I think if you know that your in-laws are not treating you well, I honestly don’t see anything wrong with limiting your time with them. The Bible does tell us not to keep company with sinners. If they can’t love you properly or don’t know how (whether they are aware of it or not), there’s no reason to keep company with them. It’s going to bring you down and God tells us to focus on the positive things.
Well, hope this helps. Write back if you feel you need to talk more or want to update us further! With love, LT