I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(USA) Hello, It has been a while since I have posted but I assure you I log on every day to read every post and I want you Lynne to know that I am crying for you. Having been in your shoes, I DEEEPLY feel your pain. You are not alone and I am praying for you every second of the day. All my Love to you!!!
(USA) Thank you ladies. To answer your questions Cindy, I do feel as if I have a deep connection with my true father and I’ve completely given my heart over to Jesus. I accept that he is my savior and that he gave is very life to save mine. My heart is filled with him and wants to full fill HIS wants for my life. I think that why I stayed as long as I did.
I am having a really hard time with the thought of forgiveness right now though. I’d be a liar if I said that I was completely right with that. As for my husband, I think that he has lost touch with GOD. I believe that LT is right, he’s become a "flesh-y" Christian. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep praying and thankfully good things are happening but my heart hasn’t changed it’s mind, and I kind of feel this peace about that.
My husband has a horrible addiction and never wanted to change. Now he actually wants to change and he’s doing it for himself which is great. We ended up getting in yet another confrontation last night and I really did some hateful things out of anger (deleted all his files, email accounts, gaming systems). I know that it was wrong but at the time I was so angry. I still have to ask forgiveness from HIM for that one. However that was when I found the most evil thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My husband was still doing those disgraceful things and now there was a twist. The girl in the pornography video was not of age! I cried and cried and cried.
My husband is going into a residential treatment program and has an evaluation at 3 pm. He knows he needs intensive therapy. Please pray that all goes well and that this organization admits him today, and they are able to help him. Thankfully GOD has put that want in his heart now and that’s what I prayed for.
This morning he seemed very remorseful and wanting of help. He’s been breaking down all day and I really think that is the LORD at work. I am thankful for that too but, while GOD is putting the want in me to help him, it’s with the understanding that it’s not going to change things between us. Things are so far gone, I don’t think us staying together is GOD’s plan anymore. I think this is GOD’s way of getting my husband back for HIM not me. So I am keeping my distance but being supportive.
I need to go and find another job today too, just part time. I don’t know how long he is going to be gone and I’ll need to make ends meet. So please pray that I am able to find something that will fit my schedule without taking time from my son. Please pray for my son too? My baby is just the innocent victim in this situation. He doesn’t even understand why his "da" is going away. He’s such a loving kid. It makes me cry when I think about how bad it’s gotten for my little guy. I think that’s why this is the best thing. I just pray that we can all grow from this experience, but it’s hard to see any sunshine through all of this rain right now.
Love you guys a lot. You’ll never know how much you’ve meant to me. LOVE, LYNNE
(USA) Amber, I am sorry I didn’t see your comment until I posted. Thank you so much girl. I really can’t even tell you how much that means to me. You all are awesome. Love, LYNNE
(CANADA) Hey Lynne, like Cindy said about people being shocked, I was shocked by the turn of events. I read the message last night but I couldn’t reply. I had to pray for you, then ask God to guide me on what to say. I’m so sorry that things turned out this way and I honestly felt your pain. I also cried for you in prayer.
Lynne, for sure you can’t change your husband, and it’s not even in your place to do so. Right now Lynne, you need God more than ever. You need to ask Him to guide you. This is not Hiss plan right now. He wants you to Trust HIM and go to HIM. Nobody can answer your questions. Only HE can, and HE wants to.
Get closer to God. That’s all HE wants now, and ask HIM to show you the changes that you need to make in your life. I hope you have good Christian friends, even if it’s only one, coz you need to be careful with all the advice you’ll get from people. Remember God is only a prayer away and He’ll be there, and listen to HIM.
One thing I know is that God does speak to us. It’s just that sometimes we are too busy trying to fix things ourselves that we don’t hear Him. This battle is not yours to fight, but the LORDS. As for your husband, all I’ll say is pray for him, coz the things he said to you are just wrong. Lynne, God is reaching out to you go to HIM. Know that HE has a great plan for you. Make sure you read the verse that LT gave you; it will help you. I love you and I’ll continue praying for the both of you. God Bless. Hope you’ll write to let us know how you are.
(USA) Thanks, Cindy, for writing what you wrote to Lynne. Due to my situation – I’m staying at home with a pre-schooler all day and generally only have the time to write in short spurts. (With a young one, the only time you have at peace is when they are sleeping, :) ).
I do not write, ever, when I truly don’t have anything to say. God has given me the discernment of knowing, fairly quickly, if I’m to share a comment with someone here or not. God has taught me not to write from an emotional and/or fleshly standpoint. That being said, however, I generally have verses going on in my head that support my viewpoints, but don’t always have the time to look them up because my 2 year old will probably come in at any moment and see my keyboard and want to start hitting keys, etc., and possibly delete everything I did have the time to write.
So…..all of that is leading up to my point for writing this comment.
I was struck, VERY strongly, in fact, by the Holy Spirit, that Cindy’s message was one you need to consider Lynne.
She has more experience in ministry than I do, but this site is her ministry (and her husband’s) from God. I’m merely a believer who contributes as I can, and when I feel my personal walk with the Lord allows me something deeper to add to help another. But the comments I leave on this site are not my main ministry. My full time ministry right now is working to do whatever I can to mend a still broken (but much improved) marriage and to look after my son and try to be a Godly example to him and my husband. That will always get more time and attention than the marriage missions website but I LOVE coming here.
In other words, this is Steve and Cindy’s place – by the ordination and leading of God. And I totally respect that and yield to the fact God is having her help you right now.
I LOVE what you wrote, Cindy. I think they are wonderful points and are in the direction that God is leading right now. Your experience and time will allow you to help Lynne (and others reading this) in a much deeper, more profound and impactful way than I’m sent to.
Lynne, please consider communicating with Cindy for the next few days or weeks – this is a critical juncture in your life and none of us wants you to act hastily. God would hold us all accountable if we were the cause of you doing the wrong thing as well.
From this point on, because of my time constraints and my situation during the day, I can’t add anything deeper but I know Cindy has been given that job for now – to truly help you.
The other thing I did forget to mention earlier, is that if your counselor is not a Christian counselor, then it would behoove you to find a different counselor who is Christian. Non-Christians walk by a different code that is generic and weakly formed; based in secular knowledge, not knowledge given to them by the Holy Spirit and their own walk with God.
Blessings to all you lovely women. I’m grateful God has given me the opportunity to get to know all of you and help in whatever capacity God has allowed. Love and prayers.
(USA) Thanks Cindy for adding a pointer in your last comment to the spiritual matters section of this site. I’d looked through some of those pages but not all. I’m pasting a passage I found on one of the links that goes to rejoiceministries.com.
I have to say, ladies, that I thought it was one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. I found it quite timely due to all our current/recent struggles in our marriages. It should be applied not just to our marriages, but to our spiritual comittment (marriage) to Christ, as well. I’m posting it below.
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A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!… I will not give up, give in, give out or give over ’til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words… in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad…so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down ’til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous… nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing, nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God’s faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up ’til my marriage is healed.
– Author Unknown
(USA) Hey everybody I know you all are praying because it’s working!!!
My husband and I talked today again and after this morning he called my phone every hour on the hour all day at work (if not more). Some of the excuses for calling were ridiculous, but I could tell he was just desperate to hear my voice. That kind of made me feel good. His meeting went good, but the facility suggested out-patient treatment. He is going to be going to a Christian support group for men with sex addictions, and I am going to continue seeing the Christian counselor I met with on Tuesday.
My husband looked me in the face today and told me that he didn’t love me and that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Then after the appointment he called me and proclaimed that his wanting for a divorce was for all of the wrong reasons and those reasons had nothing to do with another woman. Thoughts of giving up and trying with her was the devil playing tricks on his mind. He said that he did love me and he actually WANTS to work on our marriage. However he needs to work on himself first. He’s got a lot of issues in his past with abuse that he never did deal with. He was bounced around in foster care until he was 9 yrs old and a lot of bad things happened to him there.
GOD truly does work in mysterious ways. I was the one who was feeling so totally hopeless and ready to let go; but as soon as my husband said that he didn’t love me, something in me started to fight. My first thought was that he was a liar, and a coward. GOD took me up with out giving me the chance to say no. He made me do what my heart wanted in spite of all the hurt. After we talked some more, my husband asked for his ring and asked for me to put it back on him. Then he said that this was our new beginning and he put my ring on me. I cried. That was my husband and I was so happy to have him back, he’s been gone for so long. I missed him so much.
I just can’t seem to get the other woman out of my mind. I know that what he said held some truth to it, but I also know that he said it to hurt me because he was hurting. I just need to get it out of my mind. I’ll pray that I can let that go.
That’s better! I gave it to HIM. I don’t know what I would have done if I would have faced this alone. I really don’t have anyone far enough away from our situation to talk to. Not parents, friends, or siblings, because I’ve learned that it creates more drama. So you ladies have helped me a lot. Your advice and reservation of advice came from GOD, and your prayers were most important thank you.
The referral of scripture provided more comfort than I can even explain. I consider you all near to my heart. LOVE YA! LYNNE
Hi Lynne, That is GREAT news! YEAH GOD!!!
But as my husband said, “That is a GREAT beginning.” And he’s right. It’s a beginning. But beginnings sometimes start out as two steps forward and one step back and so on. There can be progress and then setbacks and if we’re patient and we persevere enough, there can be more progress.
God has definitely done a mighty work here on both of you. And I (and many others) couldn’t be more thrilled. But I sense that this is only the beginning. It’s a beginning of getting you both onto a higher plane of maturity, commitment, and perseverance. You both need to lean into the learning process that He wants to take you through and use to help you to grow. You have a Savior and Lord that want this of you, and a precious baby that needs this of you — to have two mature parents who are willing to work out their issues before you cause more damage.
It would be good for you and your husband to go through the section of our web site titled “Pornography and Cybersex.” You could both find the articles and testimonies to be helpful. This is an addiction and addictions need the full attention and cooperation of those involved to get beyond the first stages of healing, and then to go into the maintenance stage. In the maintenance stage (and sometimes before) it’s important to put up hedges and barriers to protect your marriage, and accountability partners to help the one who is addicted not to fall again. (We have some great articles in the “Sexual Issues” section of the web site to help with putting up barriers.)
Lynne, before you wrote this last comment, I was going to urge you not to be hasty in closing your mind to reconciling if your husband eventually agreed to reach out for help with his issues. (He came to his agreement sooner than expected.) I could absolutely understand why you would want to close all doors, but you always want to leave elbow room for God to work His redemptive miracles in talking to your husband’s heart and then starting the process of helping him to work on his issues. God has patience with us and forgives us when we are rebellious and do things that are grievous, and He asks us to have patience and forgive others when they are repentant as well.
Steve and I both felt that he was probably hooked into the addictive fantasy world of pornography and letting his imagination go beyond that. As a wife, that can be a horrible thing for you to endure. I can attest to that, because my husband Steve was into that many years ago. (That’s why he has an accountability partner and has put other things into place to help himself stay pure at this point.) But it IS something the Lord can help your husband (as He helped mine) to overcome and can help you to open your heart to forgiveness (as He has mine — I speak from experience).
If you can lean upon the Lord — especially during this time, and strengthen yourself for the battle ahead, as your husband works through these issues, God can eventually cause your husband’s heart to open wider for you all the more as he senses your forgiveness and your support in loving him when he isn’t lovable. I’ve seen this happen quite a few times before in other’s lives as well as in my own marriage. I can’t say that this will definitely be the case with you… but all things are possible when God is put on the throne.
In the “Links and Resource Description” part of the “Pornography and Cybersex” section, you will find web sites that you can use also, to help you as a wife. There are several posted there for your husband also, to help him, if he will go into them. But you will need to put some kind of guard on your computer so it protects him from giving in to his weaknesses and abusing the computer in the future as he has in the past. All of this will be discussed in the articles and the web sites, and the counseling he will be getting.
There is A LOT more that I could say at this point, but I feel compelled to just say two more things. Lynne, you are such a sweetheart, in many ways. I sense that in your letters. But you need to work on your anger issues. It’s not that I don’t understand why you would be tempted to throw dishes and erase computer files, etc… But one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. It’s a fruit you need to ask the Lord to help you with. The Bible says that it’s ok to be angry, “but in your anger, do not sin.” Throwing things and being vindictive in your behavior doesn’t show much self-control. Think of the example it will set for your son as he grows up. He needs a mom and dad to show him how to handle anger in mature ways. Now is a good time to start learning how to do that.
We have a lot of articles and tools on the web site that you can read and use and adapt for helping you. And your counselor, if she is a good one, can help you as well. It would be good for you to work on your issues and for your husband to work on his issues and then for both of you to work on issues together so you can learn how to fight in a more respectful manner.
I’ve been there and done that with temper issues. Most any of us could relate to losing our tempers in ways that are not mature. So I am not throwing stones at you. I’m just telling you from experience that you can UN-learn some bad habits and ways of approaching things. I’ve had to do that in my own life. The Holy Spirit is a great and “Wonderful Counselor” and can help you, as He has me, with that. Become the Lord’s student in this.
Paul says in the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.” But he goes on to say that “When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” I believe the Lord is prompting you to start working on ways that He will reveal to you that are childish and needs to be put behind you. We all have those areas. This is a good time to work on them. I pray you will.
Also, in your counseling, and in any advice you ever get from human beings (including me), make sure you put the advice up against God’s word. Don’t ever listen to counsel and figure that because it comes from someone “who should know” or someone you respect and care about, that it is sound advice. Even the best counselors around can be wrong sometimes. Pray about it, compare it to scripture, and if you still aren’t sure, ask others who are godly and wise.
I pray this helps. I also and ESPECIALLY rejoice with you. God is so very good!!!
(CANADA) Hey Lynne I’m so happy for you. God is truly great He definitely lifted you up when you had fallen. I’m glad that your husband realised that he needs help. That’s definitely God’s work. We’ve all prayed for you and we’ll all continue praying. Like Cindy said there are times you’ll both take steps ahead then a step back. Remember, you both have habits to break.
Pray for patience because as human beings, we are very impatient. You’ll need that and a lot of perseverance. And pray that God may give you a forgiving heart. God turns the IMPOSSIBLE to POSSIBLE. You can read Jeremiah 32:27. I love you girl and you are not alone. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
On another note. Please pray for me. Nothing bad has happened. I just need prayers that I may continue to have faith in God. Ever since Sunday night, I have this hope for our marriage that is so strong, and I know it’s all God’s doing. I can say that truly God has me where HE wanted in total SUBMISSION TO HIM. It’s such a great feeling.
I now realise that I had never truly let everything go and I still wanted to fix things myself. I can now think of things that have happened and not want to scream. It’s all God’s doing. I thank and give HIM praise. I just need prayers to stay on the right path and not falter.
Pray for my husband so that God may open his eyes to clearly see the hurtful things he’s doing, and for God to open his heart so that he may be able to open up and talk about his pain. Pray also for the day that the LORD has chosen for my husband and I to talk that we may have forgiving hearts and words spoken in love. And pray that HE may open the ears to our hearts so that we may both listen to each others needs. Thank you all and love you all.
Lynne, your story is very encouraging and I know that God is opening doors to my marriage too. God Bless. I’ll keep on praying for you and your husband.
(USA) Cindy, As I read what you wrote to me, I cried. You’re so in tune with the Spirit. My husband and I continued talking late last night and as my husband was telling me about my temper. GOD opened my eyes to my anger. Your picking up on that shows me how in tune you are. I know that I have a serious temper. Being brought up, my mother who has a heart of GOLD, always had a serious temper as well. It makes me upset but my husband says I act just like her when I’m mad and it’s true.
He’s never seen women act like those in my family, and it kind of puts him off. We are very strong willed, independent, stubborn, opinionated women and almost all with hot-tempers. This is hard for him because the women in his family are more reserved, quiet, laid back, and traditional. It’s hard because we come from different cultures. He was adopted by a wonderful Christian family with more conservative views that were of Dutch descent. I’m Native American and some French, but mostly Native, and my family, while still Christian, are more liberal. So we are still adapting to each other.
While this is no excuse for my anger. I understand that my anger is my own and my temper was learned. So Cindy, you’re right. This is going to be a time of learning and unlearning.
I’ve been though the cybersex and pornography section of this site and it’s been a blessing for me. My husband on the other hand isn’t motivated to use these types of resources. I am really praying that this group is more up his alley because he has a hard time relating to the literature. Maybe it’s too general for his situation so hopefully he’ll meet someone there with a testimony that’s easier for him to relate to. Please pray for that?
I cannot thank you and Steve enough. Hopefully I can get my husband on here with me sometime. I will definitely be taking advice as it comes and I’ll have to compare it to scripture a little more. That is great advice. Thank you! I’ll also be working on my anger issues and praying about it. Could you all ladies pray for me concerning my anger too? I really appreciate it more than you know.
How is every one else doing? Anne, is everything still going well with you? With every thing going so terrible in my life lately I’ve been distracted and unfocused in my prayers. What you said about letting go has really helped me. LT, A Standers Affirmation was just what I needed to hear and say. Thank you. Amber, MB, Sue, and all of you ladies. I really do mean it when I say that you all are a blessing. Love Ya, LYNNE
(CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your concern. I’m happy that you guys talked last night. I long for the day that my husband and I will have a chance to talk. Well, I’ve been doing ok and have been peaceful. Today I saw the phone bill, and of course my husband still talks to the other woman for sometimes about an hour. Not so much, but the communication is still there. I really cried and asked God to intervene because no matter what I tell my husband, he isn’t listening.
I’ve accepted that only God can and will open my husbands eyes and his heart. I cried to God and I prayed for the other woman and cried for her. I praise God because I would not have done this earlier. Just pray for me to continue trusting God and having faith in HIM. I need a lot of strength to go on. Please pray for my husband. He needs God’s guidance and for God to open his eyes.
I just asked my husband if we can talk and he said no. I guess today is not the day. Please pray girls. I need you all so that I may be able to be to go through this. I will not talk to him about the bill. We have an appointment next week with the pastor so we’ll talk about it then. I know I need to set boundaries. I’m praying for that and for the right time and day to speak to my husband. Now I know he would not even listen to me. I need God’s mercy. Thanks all for your prayers. I’m still praying for you Lynne, that God may help you deal with your temper. HE’LL make a way for all of us. Love you all.
(CANADA) Hey ladies, I need prayer. After seeing those cell phone bills, I just prayed to God to help me out. I don’t know what happened because my husband just told me that today, that I was talking to him badly. I didn’t notice, but for sure I know I didn’t feel like talking to him and I did separate myself from him. He asked me what was wrong and all I was told him was, “I’m tired and fed up with things and I don’t know what to do.” He just stormed out of the room upset.
I thought about the way I spoke to him and thought that maybe in the mood of not talking to him, I may have not been speaking with kindness. I did write him a text message to apologize. He didn’t reply, but I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t talk about the bill because I felt it would lead to an argument and I really needed to pray for God’s guidance on the things I’d say to him. I’d prefer to wait till our next meeting with our pastor next week.
I just need to learn how to express myself. I know that’s something I need to ask God for help. I’ve reached a point where I’m wondering what to do, and for how long this will go on. I’ve been so peaceful this week, and it’s like, what happened??? Pray for me and for Steve. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in exactly 2 weeks and I think that’s why I’m feeling this way. There’s nothing more I’d love, than to start our 3rd year with some positiveness — with us working hard and together to better our marriage.
God is able and I know that he’ll see us through this. He always has great timing. Love you all. Thanks Cindy for the books you suggested. I bought SACRED INFLUENCE. I just started reading it this evening and so far it’s great. Thanks a lot to both you and Steve. God has really blessed the two of you.
(CANADA) Hey ladies it’s me again. Last night I cried a lot to God asking Him to help me and my husband, because honestly this pain is too much. I then asked Him if there was something I’m missing that He’s trying to tell me, but I’m not listening to Him. I was reading the book SACRED INFLUENCE and there’s a chapter on how women should be bold and stand up for themselves and not to fear because God is with us. That got me thinking. I’m not one to stand up for myself generally, because I grew up in a home where children were supposed to listen and not be heard so I learned how to keep things to myself. That made me believe that I’m not good in expressing myself because even sometimes when I say something to my husband and he gets upset I end up apologizing and I always wonder, “why do I have to apologize for expressing myself?”
Up to this day I still believe I don’t know to express my feelings so I keep quiet because I feel, “what’s the point?” I know my husband gets frustrated when he can clearly see thats something is wrong and I say nothing. I know that’s something that I have to change. It’s not gonna happen overnight. but I’ll pray about it. Something that I read in that book, that made me cry, was that God may be using this challenge as a vehicle for me to become the strong woman that He created me to be.
I want to be bold and stand up and tell my husband how his friendship with this woman is affecting and hurting me. I need to know, is this what God wants me to do? Is this the answer to my question? Please pray for me. I need to learn how to go about this, keeping in mind that God is and will be with me during that step. Pray that I get the courage and the strength to be BOLD and not just in my marriage, but in every other aspect of my life.
Thanks a lot ladies. I love you all for your support. Lynne how are things going for you??
(USA) Anne, Thank you so much for your prayer. I cannot tell you how much it means. Anne, Have you read the Emotionally Distant Spouse? You should read that. Your Steve is not going to want to talk about this because then he’ll have to deal with his feelings. Instead of asking him if it’s time to talk, ask him if a certain date and time would work to talk. That way you both can be prepared and neither of you will feel like you were put off or surprised. Also maybe ask him what his reason is for putting off this talk. Is it really because he isn’t ready or is it because he doesn’t want to?
With everything we’re going through right now, I’ve learned that talking is a part of changing. If he doesn’t want to talk then he doesn’t want to change. If he doesn’t want to change, he’s not trying to save his marriage. Pray that the LORD gives him the WANT to change. When My husband and I spoke, I asked him if we could, ahead of time (sort of like scheduling it).
I’ll keep praying for you Anne, and I’ll pray that GOD gives Steve the WANT to change. Love ya.
Dear Anne, I’m so glad that you’re reaching out to the Lord, petitioning Him to help you to put your marriage together in a way that is positive and healthy. It’s great that you’re asking for prayer for that. But you also need to listen before and after praying. Sometimes we monologue so much in our prayers, but we forget to listen. And prayer is actually a dialogue back and forth to our Heavenly Father. We pray and petition God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit talks to us through many different ways. As we grow in relationship with Him, we learn how to listen and to follow His leading. It takes a quietness of heart and a leaning towards being open to learning.
Sometimes when He speaks to us (within our spirit, or through other things and people He uses to help us), what He tells us will sting a bit (and sometimes a lot). But it’s for our own good, and for the good of others around us. Other times He draws us in and comforts and ministers in a softer way.
Right now, I believe the Lord is trying to get your attention through your husband. God uses many people and circumstances (sometimes painful and “unfair” ones even) to “wake” us up to pay attention to something He wants to do in our lives. As Oswald Chambers said, “God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself.” I believe God is doing that right now with you. I believe He is using your husband, and very painful circumstances, to help you to see that you need to DO something about your temper, and the way that you relate to those you say you love. Love is more than feeling it in the heart, it’s demonstrating it in our words and actions.
You say in your letter that last night you “may not have been speaking with kindness” to your husband after you thought about the cell phone bills. And then you ask, “what happened???”
Anne, your intentions may be right — to try to get your husband to stop making calls that he shouldn’t be making. But the way in which you are doing it is damaging. You may not have INTENDED to cause additional damage to your relationship by the way in which you expressed yourself, but the end result is that you obviously did. I’m not trying to justify your husband’s actions — not at all! This issue needs to be addressed. But the approaches that you’ve been making are not working at all! They’re only making matters worse.
Right now your marriage is wounded. It could die, if both of you don’t do your parts in healing it. It’s like you have this big open wound within your relationship. The way to heal it, isn’t to take a knife and cut it open some more, in a half-hazard way. Even if you never meant for your anger to get out of control in such a way that it cut the wound up wider, saying “sorry” doesn’t take back the additional cutting. Good intentions are great. But they have to be followed by actions that are good.
And closing up and saying that “nothing” is wrong, when something is, also adds to the problem. Because then the anger is stored up inside so eventually it’s like the dam breaks open and everything (both good and bad) spills out in a raging way. I’m so glad the Lord is showing you this through the book you are reading.
I believe that God is trying to wake up, both you and your husband, to do what it takes to heal this marriage. You expressed in an earlier letter that your husband is getting help for his addictive behavior. And that’s great! But while he’s doing that, you will need to work on your end to let the counselors do their part without complicating matters worse (by using cutting words or actions). Not giving into storing up your anger (but talking to those who are healthy who will listen) and then giving into the impulse to spill out your anger over the cell phone matters would have been good. It would have been best to leave that matter alone and then wait to talk to your pastor about that and decide together on how to handle it, with a mediator to help you.
The last thing I want to do is make you feel worse. I hope you know that. You have a lot on your “plate” right now that is hurting you already. But I don’t want you to hurt even worse in the future by what you are doing right now. And right now, you really need help with your anger issues.
I’m so glad you’re reading the book, Sacred Influence. It can help you to see how sacred our relationship is within our marriage and with our Lord in how we express ourselves and how we live out our lives. But I also recommend that you read another book. It’s titled “Mad About Us.” You can see an excerpt from this book in Marriage Message #352 – Before Conflict Arises. We also have some quotes and other things you should read in the “Communication and Conflict” section of our web site because they could help you to work on your impulse control and help you to put into place some productive ways to express your anger and concerns.
I know this is a lot to take in. But I believe the Lord is prompting (and pushing) you to become a student of what it takes to make marriage healthy. From what you’ve said in a past letter, you’ve learned some destructive ways to express your anger. Now is the time to UN-learn those ways and learn how to do it right. I’ve had to do this in my own life. And I’m still a student. But I’m un-learning what is harmful, and I’m learning anew how to do this right. The Holy Spirit is a faithful teacher as I ask, and then listen, and then do what He prompts me to do. And the same is for you. How very much I want that for you!!! I know that you and those around you (especially your son as he grows up observing you), will benefit from what the Lord can teach you in this.
I want to leave you with another quote from Oswald Chambers, from the book, “My Utmost For His Highest.” I believe the Lord is using very painful circumstances in your life to help you to grow in right relationship with Him and with your husband, and this quote might help to explain a part of how He is doing that.
He writes that our calling, as His children, is to be “made into broken bread and poured out wine. God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with. If God would only use His own fingers, and make me broken bread and poured-out wine in a special way! But when He uses someone whom we dislike, or some set of circumstances to which we said we would never submit, and makes those the crushers, we object. We must never choose the scene of our own martyrdom. If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed. I wonder what kind of finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you?”
“…We have to be adjusted into God before we can be broken bread in His hands. Keep right with God and let Him do what He likes, and you will find that He is producing the kind of bread and wine that will benefit His other children as well.”
What I’ve found is that it’s one thing to SAY we are children of God and that we have a personal relationship with the Living God, and that we pray, and it’s another to actually live in right relationship with Him and listen and obey, as well as speak to Him.
There’s a song I like that is sung by Wayne Watson called “I’m Growing.” It’s really helped me through the times when God has had to “knock out the bottom boards” of my life, and times he’s used “others I’ve objected to” in order to do that. The chorus says, “I’m growing but I don’t like it. I’m growing, and it hurts. I love you, but I’m tired. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn.” And that’s sure been true for me. It sure IS true of me. I’m growing… but it hurts.
The painful times have been the growing times. But in the end, God has shown me that because of those growing times in which I have yielded, He is able to shine through me without interruption in a way that not only helps me, but others, and most importantly, His Kingdom work! I can’t praise Him enough for it.
I pray for you and for your husband and your son. You’ve received some great advice and support from Lynne and LT and Amber, and MB and others. We’re all standing behind you, believing God for outstanding miracles and growth in your life and marriage. I love how you are reaching out to others on this web site as well. God has allowed this web site to be a platform for an International community of people, who reach out for help, care for one another, share together, and love each other because of the love of God. We praise God for that!
Please know that all of us love you and are praying for you, in community with the Lord. “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)