I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you.
But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
Honest with God
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
Power of Praying Wife
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
A Challenge
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, as it says in the Bible. That’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Pray Rather Than Say
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words cannot be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.
This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife
— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —
Below are linked articles to read to guide you to pray for your husband in different ways than you might have otherwise thought:
• 10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)
• 30 Days of Praying for Your Husband
Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters
(UNITED STATES) By the way, thank you all for sharing your trials and tribulations, they have been encouraging. My prayers are with all of you….and Nicole, please put God first in this matter. I know you want your relationship to work, but it is important to put God at the center of your life before you make the commitment of marriage. I know you really love this man, but you asked God for a sign and he gave you one. Work on your relationship with God and then your ex-fiance. You seem to be on the right track with your faith and understanding of the situation!
Also if this is the man for you, I can’t stress the importance of pre-marital counseling, multiple times if necessary. Read through the posts on this site if possible with your ex-fiance,…attend church together and Bible study…and most importantly, pray for each other and pray together! With a fragile yet open heart, Andrea
(UNITED STATES) Hi Amber, Have you read or heard of the The Five Love Languages? Perhaps your husband’s primary language of love is not physical. Aside from that, coming from my own perspective, there may be a few things that are bothering your husband that prevents him from being affectionate.
In regards to what to pray for, you pray for God’s guidance and for his will to be done in this situation. If at all possible, I cannot stress how important it is to, if at all possible, navigate this site with your husband. I think if they were all able to see that a lot of couples have similar issues, they wouldn’t be as defensive or feel as hopeless in their present situations.
To all of you who actually have your husband present, I cannot stress the importance of viewing this as a positive in your lives. He could just as easily not be there…I am not saying this to suggest that you need to take all of the abuses and disrespect they dish at you, but this small act of just "being there" speaks volumes to women like me, who don’t have the benefit of a husband even willing to talk to them yet alone come every night and sleep in any room in the house. Look within yourself to God, for only God can guide you and ultimately only you can change you. Positive change in your own personal life will not go unnoticed if your husband sees you and interacts with on a daily basis…
I don’t know, I suppose I am the wrong one to give any advice, considering I couldn’t manage to keep my husband from leaving. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason and perhaps God just wants me to himself for the time being. I haven’t always placed him at the top of my priority list, and maybe that is his message to all of us. No man can replace him or give us what God can. To our mortal minds and fleshy bodies that seems almost unfair and hard to comprehend but that’s what FAITH is all about right?
I sure hope so, because as I said before, it’s all I have right now, and even that keeps backfiring on me. Sometimes I can’t help thinking why am I getting all of this strength? Is God preparing me for something really horrible? Because every time I go through something, it makes me a little more numb, a little more unresponsive. Yes I am closer to God than ever, but after each storm in my life…I become less emotional. I feel less, and expect less from people in general. I become closer to God but more disillusioned with humanity and love in particular.
Sorry you guys. My post started positive, but there’s so much inside of me, I could write a book… It’s hard only having God to talk to…
(UNITED STATES) Anne, God and his spirit be with you and your husband. One thing I noticed in some of your postings, is you always seem to predict what your husband won’t do. Our minds are so powerful that often times we can almost talk things into existence. I challenge you for the next two weeks to allow yourself to believe in yourself, your husband and your marriage. Believe that he will text you back, in fact know that he will, expect that he will. Expect that healing will take place in your spirit, your husbands’, and your marriage. Listen to Yolanda Adams “Already Alright”…It’s already alright Anne, but you have to believe it -no, you have to KNOW IT…
Your husband is there everyday. Don’t show him your despair, show him your faith and hopefulness. I believe the only reason you say you do not love him the same anymore is because you fear he doesn’t love you the same and this is a natural defense mechanism. If you did not love him the same…you would not have sent him a message and you would not be on this website fighting for your marriage. Continue the fight… do not let FEAR (Devil) guide your heart, actions, words or thoughts… Let God… Let the Spirit… Let your Spirit…
You must love your husband the way he needs to be loved and the way you need to be loved. Wallowing in despair and pity will not help the situation…cast your burdens on God, that is what he calls for. Say your peace to the Lord and let it go. Love yourself like you want your husband to love you and you will see a change. It may not be when you want, or think. You need to see the change, and it may be only a small change, but you will see one. And then you will see FEAR (Devil) try to take way or downplay that change… recognize what that is and refuse to succumb.
(Writing all of this is truly my therapy. I know the truth, and so do we all. But we all get tired on our journey.)
(USA) Hi Andrea, I liked what you wrote and am glad you feel comfortable sharing on this website. It is very cathartic to write when we are going through trials. Some of it, you don’t even have to post here. Some of it you can just save in a file and even that helps. Then other times, it helps to seek the thoughts of other Christians (like your earlier post). A lot of what you wrote really resonated. As well, the Holy Spirit in me brought to mind some verses regarding your current situation and then I also had some generic conclusions I drew in how I read your post.
I am going to try and write all of that later because it will take some time. I’ll probably do that later tonight but I wanted to let you know that I had some thoughts to share with you sometime soon.
Until I write more, I’ll leave you with this. I heard one of my Christian friends say once, at a Bible study, that when you’re feeling down and you don’t really have anyone in your life that can comfort you – you should ask God for a hug. A "spiritual" hug, if that makes sense. I thought that was remarkable and certainly had never heard that before so I thought I’d share that with you since you are down lately and your husband has left. I’ll share more later – thanks! LT
(CANADA) Hey Andrea, thanks a lot for your insight. What you said really hit home that I should not assume the worst or negatively. The fear is truly the devils way to get me not to do the things that God is telling me to do. Thank you so very much. I’ll pray for positive thinking and when I think about it, we haven’t really been there for each other. He needed his space to sort through things. Thanks for making me realise that it’s all about faith. I’ll write more to you later about your situation. I have to go to work. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Later.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you LT and Anne, your kind words mean so much to me. I look forward to hearing from you both… I asked God for a spiritual hug LT… and it felt really good… THANK YOU SO MUCH… With a fragile but open heart, Andrea
(UNITED STATES) Hello Andrea, Thank you for your comment. I am sorry to hear of your battles. You are a strong and remarkable woman. You have so much on your mind but yet you make time to give others great advice. I truly admire that in you as well as the other people who share their advice and struggles. I will pray for you. I believe that your breakthrough is coming. I know exactly how you feel when you stated that you are closer to God, but after each storm in your life, you become less emotional, you feel less and expect less from people. I feel the same way.
God is strengthening me and you as well as others and things will get better just keep the faith!
I went home and listened to Open my heart by Yolanda Adams, as you mentioned earlier. The song is just beautiful and I have always loved it. Remember the part in the song that states “I need to talk to you and ask for your guidance especially today when my life is so cloudy, guide me until I am sure…..I open up my heart.” God will guide you and help you through any situation that comes your way ALWAYS remember that…..please stay strong.
Another part states… “My hopes and dreams are fading fast and I don’t think my strength is going to last, so I’m crying out to you because I know you are the only who is able to pull me through… show me how to do things your way…. Just say one word.” Continue to talk to him Andrea, when you have bad days. He will always be your friend and comforter among several other things. I will keep you in my prayers!! Nicole
(UNITED STATES) Thank you Nicole, your prayers mean so much. For right now, I have that Yolanda Adams song on repeat. It speaks volumes to how I am feeling right now…and it’s keeping me spiritually grounded. My prayers are with you as well… With a fragile yet open heart, Andrea
(USA) ANDREA, Honey… I love ya. I know how it feels when he won’t even talk to you. Your left with wait…and that’s truly the hardest part. Don’t do anything destructive to get his attention. I’m telling you from experience you don’t want that kind of attention. Andrea… Is your husband a believer? Do you all have a church? Do you have a pastor or a fellow believer to confide in?
Please read Genesis 2:24-25 and there is a great article on this web sit called: Leaving your parents to Cleave to your spouse. I recommend that you read that too. It appears that your husband is having a hard time leaving his parent (particularly his mother) to cleave and become one with you. Surprisingly enough I know exactly how that feels. Not to mention your husband is quite a bit younger than you and males tend to be more immature than woman developmentally.
That’s not to say that his mother is completely to blame for your marital strife because there was obviously more going on between the two of you already. There are also some great articles for newly weds on here. One in particular talking about how you start to question if marrying him/her was a the right or wrong thing. I suggest you read that. I also suggest that you send your feelings to your husband in an email or stick a letter in his car. Particularly if his family is evolved because they could intercept this. If nothing else, you’ll at least know that you got your feelings out there. It’ll really help with the whole numb thing.
Is your son also his son or is he from a previous relationship? Is your little guy doing ok with all of this? I’ll be praying really hard for all involved here. I really do hope that you remember not to just pray for yourself your husband and marriage. Pray for his mother and for your son. As a mother of a little guy I am sure you can understand how it can be hard to let go. It seems as if your mother in law is having a hard time letting go. Don’t judge her for that but try and understand what feeling is behind her actions. Fear of losing her little boy, and being sad/lonely. The devil I am sure is using that against her so pray for her protection as well as your husbands.
Pray that GOD changes both their hearts, and reminds your husband why GOD gave you to him in the first place. Something more than his illness brought you two back together it was your persistent prayer. That is the devil placing doubt in your head. Do not give the negative (his illness) glory, give GOD the glory. Also thinking that he married you because he was mad at his mommy or she making that the reason is sick and twisted. Recognize that him being mad and rebellion could not have been the only reason. That’s giving glory to the negative again. Recognize that it was LOVE and GOD is LOVE. Give HIM the glory.
Andrea just trust HIM don’t try to fix everything. Give it to GOD and let HIM do the fixing. He’s the only One who can. If your alone and have no one to talk to besides GOD there’s probably a reason for that. Maybe GOD is telling you to keep spending this time with HIM right now, so he’s helping to eliminate distractions. Which it sounds like your doing.
If nothing else should you need to I’d be more than happy to give you my personal email address. I am always here for any of any of you ladies. I cannot explain how much you’ve all been there for me.
Lastly, I strongly suggest that you surround yourself with good company right now. Call your Pastor, a trusted prayer partner, someone who is objective and walks a Christian path. Or email Cindy on this site. She and Steve give great advice and are very in tune with the Spirit.
I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that you find peace and keep your eyes on HIM, Love ya. LOVE, LYNNE
(USA) Anne, You know you’re my girl. Do you remember the advice you gave me when I was going through the same thing with my hubby? I was feeling like there was not intimacy or no connections recently too.
"The best thing I did (which was in the book) was to pray and thank GOD for my husband’s strengths and to pray for my weaknesses. I realized I was asking God to change me but I was always praying for my husband’s weaknesses and not his strengths. Lynne, I will tell you this has helped, because despite what he’s doing I remember the reasons why I fell in love with him. It also helps me to remember that he is human and he’s not perfect and God loves him unconditionally too. All I can suggest is to be open with your husband and tell him how you feel. Please pray about it Lynne, because honestly, you don’t want to give satan any foothold in your marriage. Any open window that the enemy sees he goes in with full armor to destroy. Remember he came close to ending your marriage, but because of all your prayers and trusting in God, God came down and saved your marriage. " – Anne
Do you remember that? Don’t forget that feeling. That is the devil playing you. GOD is working so hard to rebuild both of you and the devil is scared. So he’s trying to build you up negatively because he wants you to self destruct. He can’t make you stop listening to GOD he’s just too weak so he’ll try and make you stop on your own. FIGHT!
LT gave me this advice and it was so true: "I love this verse: Matt. 6:28 (through 34). Christ says the lilies of the field do not "toil" (in terms of worrying) and neither should we. Here he is talking about worrying about where we’ll live, or whether we’ll have food and clothes. But I take a broader interpretation to mean we really shouldn’t worry about anything. And once you can get to that point, it’s such a great place to be mentally and emotionally." -LT
Remember who HE is and remember who you are. Do not be distracted by the devil pathetic attempts to destroy LOVE. LOVE is of GOD and His name means LOVE. The devil is no match for LOVE.
Good new is, once you stop focusing on how that feeling is not there, that feeling comes back stronger. There’s a reason why you sent him that text. You did mean what you wrote, the defensive numbness that you built up and the devil just made you question yourself. I am happy to say that I stopped worrying, Prayed and trusted HIM. Now the intimacy in our marriage (emotionally and physically) is steadily coming back and better. It’s also rising to new levels that we’ve never been to before. I am really truly becoming happy again, and I am NOT afraid. I am not afraid of the next obstacle the devil is always plotting to find a way, but I know that there is LOVE and that devil is not match for HIM. You’re going to make it girl, don’t forget that. I love ya. LOVE, LYNNE
(CANADA) Hey ladies, hope you’re all doing well. I have an update of things in my marriage. Last night after work my husband and I went to GO KART with our friends. This is one of the things he’s always told me we do together, but I always said no. So I decided since I needed to change things around. I’ll try to do things he likes.
I tell you, I had a blast and he did too. He kept giving me a thumbs up every time he passed me and it felt good. Before we left I had his cell in my bag so when I went to give it to him I saw that the other woman had txt. I wasn’t amused. God is great because we were surrounded by people and I did nothing crazy. So I showed it to him and I read it. It was just saying hey and stuff but still….
I’m glad that his cousin was in our car because it gave me time to think. I saw that satan will use this to bring a rift between my husband and me. So I prayed the whole way back and I asked God to help me deal with this very calmly. All of a sudden I felt very peaceful and I wasn’t upset. We had stopped somewhere to eat but he just asked his cousin to go ahead and we went on talking. Thank God I was prepared for defensiveness. But what he did, he "attacked" with his tone and I told him so. He was ready to defend himself.
All I told him was I don’t want them to be friends. He said I was being unfair, that they are just friends. Seriously I looked at him and I wondered, who is gonna get through to him? Our pastor is away so I can’t even call. When we got home, he just kept quiet and then said he’ll take care of everything because he can’t go on like this.
Will he do it? I don’t know. I prayed and told God that I trust Him to deal with this. I can’t make my husband see, but God can, and I know at His perfect timing He will. I thank God that I confronted the issue His way and i did not get angry. Yes, I was getting frustrated but I managed to keep calm. I refuse to let satan win. I’ll PUSH in prayer. I know that’s what God wants. Thanks a lot for your prayers, ladies.
Lynne, you gave Andrea very good advice. Andrea I’d just like to add, that you read the article on prayer -P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens. It’s very helpful. I keep all of you in my prayers. Lynne how you doing? Love you all.
(UNITED STATES) Lynne, God bless you. Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I woke up this morning, after a sleepless and prayerful night, and checked this message board. Your words were so inspiring and heaven sent. I prayed for an answer/direction last night and God gave me an answer, part of which was embedded in your post.
I know the Lord is trying to show me that I must give it up and let him do his work. I am good at some things but he is great at everything. He is not only calling me to come closer to him, but he is -and perhaps more importantly -calling my husband. And perhaps the Lord is pulling distractions away from my husband right now. I know that I must trust in him, because he has never let me down. It truly hurts like ****, but I have to have faith that there is a blessing in every lesson.
One thing that I have not heartfully done, was pray for his mother. I suppose it was because I had some bitterness towards her. You opened my eyes to this fact, that while I had forgiven my husband for his transgressions -I had not forgiven his mother. This morning after reading your post, I said a prayer for her. Later today she sent me a text msg. telling me she was sorry for not returning my calls, but she has been going through her own trials and tribulations. I said another prayer for her and let her know she was in my prayers and I loved her. God works in mysterious ways. What the devil tries to tear apart may in fact grow stronger.
It is still hard for me to be still and just do "nothing". I think that is ultimately what God is trying to show me -how to surrender total control to Him. I want to run to my husband and tell him exactly what, how, when, and where he hurt me. I want to lay my burdens on something or someone tangible… but patience is a virtue…
I thank you all for your prayers and kind words. While I am still helplessly heartbroken, and confused by the situation, I am holding on to faith that God will lead me down the correct path. Today I am better than yesterday, or at least I am for the moment. Thank you all…
(UNITED STATES) You guys have been so great, but I have been in much anguish. I just found out my husband is off living in his own place and he hadn’t the decency to let me know. He has just left me in limbo and I am sick of it. I stuck by his side, time and time again when most would have run…I am filing for divorce today! I can’t take it anymore and I will not take it anymore…
(USA) HI Andrea, Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you sooner. I’ve had a LOT going on this weekend.
One of the thoughts I had when I read your original post was whether or not your husband is a believer? Is he a Christian? I had assumed you yourself recently came to the faith simply because you said you were living out of wedlock for a while before your marriage. Most ministers would tell their flock that this is not acceptable in the eyes of the Lord, so I assumed you had only recently come to the faith, after your mention of living together before marriage.
What I wanted to suggest to you to read was I Corinthians 7. Have you ever read this chapter? Even if you have – do read it again – it sums up marriage, to a tee, better than ANY other chapter in the Bible.
But in that chapter it talks about if an unbeliever leaves a believing spouse – let them. If your husband has already left (and he’s an unbeliever) – you can’t change him. You can pray for him to come back, but it may not be God’s will (or in your husband’s will/desire) for him to want to come back. I think that’s one of many reasons why Paul said, let an unbeliever leave.
That’s obviously not easy, given that you love him, but that’s the scripture, not my words. It sounds as though your husband is an unbeliever so I’m quoting that chapter based on that assumption.
As for you filing for a divorce – well, on that one, I’d say wait. Your husband has already left, but you filing the divorce, to me, is a bad idea for two reasons:
1-You’re not giving your husband the chance to come back so that if he wanted to in the near future, you signing the death knell to your marriage in the form of divorce papers, basically tells him you won’t forgive him, and as Christians we must forgive. So I’d say filing the papers would be hasty as it could possibly cut off all possibilities of forgiveness and/or reconciliation.
2- It’s a bad idea because you, as the believer, are to set a higher example. We’re to live by God’s word and Jesus did say that the only reason God allows divorce at all (or Moses did to the Jews) was because of the "hardness of their hearts." In other words, because humans get angry and hurt and want to throw their hands up and give up. (I’m not saying that to put you down because I’ve been there myself and I’ve had those feelings, too, so I know what it’s like).
My recommendation (and keep in mind, this is assuming your husband is an unbeliever) is to keep the lines of communication open to at least allow for God to work a miracle. If it becomes evident that your husband does not want to come back (i.e., if 6 or 12 months go by and he’s still gone) then he’s the unbeliever that left and you are to let him. But you signing the divorce papers first is, in the things I’ve learned and seen as a Christian, not the higher example. If he files them, then he files them.
In other words, what I’m saying is if I were a Christian I wouldn’t want that hanging over my head. If your husband leaves and files papers then it’s on his head, not yours. It would be his sin to carry, not yours (if that makes sense).
That’s about everything I was originally going to write to you. There were some other things I wanted to write about your husband’s mother and that situation but I’ll save that for another time.
Please reconsider – from one Christian woman to another – filing the divorce papers. Let the situation lie for a while. See what God has planned……
Hope this helps. Do read I Corinthians 7 – it’s an AWESOME chapter and very enlightening.
With love and prayers, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All. I just want to ask everybody a question, Cindy and everyone. I pray for my husband’s salvation everyday. But do you still pray this prayer for somebody who wants a divorce, who is living with this young girl that he has made pregnant 4 doors away from you? Our divorce is suppose to be finalized on the 12th of May. That is about 2 weeks away. I am praying that God changes his life before, and that He stops the divorce from taking place. And I am praying that my husband becomes the man and father he is supposed to be –to take his rightful place. Please tell me. Love, Leonie