“If you have ever been around a teenager, you may have heard them, say more than once, ‘I am soooo bored.’ Well, guess what? The same thing can happen in a marriage. Boredom acts as a warning system that our marriage has fallen into a rut and if we do not heed the warning, we will find ourselves growing further and further apart.”
Has this happened in your marriage? It sure has in ours (several times). Concerning this issue, here’s what the marriage team, Bob and Yvonne Turnbull say [with a few additional bracketed comments from other marriage experts]:
Preventing and Dealing with Marriage Boredom
Many years ago, in our own marriage the boredom warning signal went off and you know what we did at first? Ignored it, hoping it would go away. It did not. Fortunately, the signal was persistent enough that we agreed to make some changes. That was mainly because we were feeling too distant from one another, and we wanted to regain our closeness.
We began making a list of some of the ruts we were in and then we developed an action plan on to how to escape the ruts. We were able to watch our closeness return as we worked the plan. We’re going to tell you two of the ruts we had fallen into. As you read about them, maybe these ruts will ring true with you and your spouse, and if they do, note the way you can escape them.
RUT #1 Having More Fun with Your Friends Than with Your Spouse
We would look for opportunities to be with friends so we would not have to spend time together because we both felt the other just was not as much fun. Plus, it seemed our conversations always turned into a problem-solving time. So, to overcome this we always invited another couple to go with us if we wanted to eat a meal out or go to a movie. We knew at least with them we could have a good time.
How to Escape That Rut
Take a spoonful of medicine that is spoken about in the Bible. It says, “A merry heart is good medicine.” For us the way to develop that merry heart was to start doing small things together that were fun, where we could laugh. As an example, when we go to a beach, we like to skip rocks across the water and see who can out-do the other with the number of ricochets before the rock sinks. Goofy things like that.
[Whatever you do: “Don’t let your marriage become a casualty due to boredom. Make memorable times every single day. Schedule an enjoyable event for every weekend. Entertain once a month. Find the satisfaction of working in a service group, helping those less fortunate. Take up a hobby. Get out, enjoy the world together, and your marriage will be refreshed. Do this and you will find out how to bring back those happy days.” (Caryl Krueger)]
Something else we had gotten away from but decided to reinstitute was going out on a date twice a month. Dating is a time to get away from the rigors of everyday life and just focus on enjoying each other. Plan it. Look forward to it. Enjoy it. Just the two of you.
Preventing Marriage Boredom
To enhance our enjoyment, we set up a “dating rule” which meant we agreed to not talk about money, kids or jobs while on a date. We will talk about them some other time. Because we stick to the rule, we have found our dates to be a time to reconnect and have fun.
[Here are a few more dating ideas from other marriage experts:
• “You don’t have to leave home to play and have fun. There are many ways you can play together on your date night in. Pick a few activities you enjoy and take the time to experience them together. Are there board or card games you like to play? Are there video games you haven’t enjoyed in a while, or outdoor sports or activities you can play? Intimacy can also be a form of play and a source of fun.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott)
• “Build something together — ice cream sundaes, a pizza with your favorite toppings, a tower of blocks. Perhaps you will find a chuckle over the odd or weird combinations that reflect your different approaches to food, building, and life.” (“For Your Marriage” quote)
• “Plan a ‘Favorites Night’ around your favorite food, clothes, games, sports, etc. Each spouse could choose a favorite activity which you then combine into one evening, or the wife could propose her favorite activities for one date and the husband plans the next date with his favorites.” (“For Your Marriage” quote)
Also, you can:
• “Grab your sweetie and run away for a cup of coffee and small talk. If you can’t get away because of kids, have a mini date at home before they get up [see: “The 22 Minute Date“], after they go to bed, or nap time. They have to sleep sometime!” (Lori Byerly) (We also have many ideas posted in the Romantic Ideas topic on the Marriage Missions web site that could possibly help you, if you need them.)
• “When you plan dates and shared activities, take turns making the plans. Rather than planning a date within your comfort zone, try making plans your spouse will love. Center the date around their favorite activity, or just something you know they’ll enjoy. Also, try planning an activity or experience that is completely new for both of you. Some of the best date experiences can happen when you try something that neither of you think you’ll gravitate toward. Try something outside your normal routine and comfort zone and see what you think.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott)
Continuing with Bob and Yvonne Turnbull’s insights, they point out:
Rut #2 Forgetting to Attend to The Little things
Far too often we get busy with the demands of life. This busyness causes us to start taking each other for granted; and then we stop doing the little things in our relationship that make us feel closer to one another. For us, this was an easy rut to fall into. But the good news is there is a way out.
How to Escape That Rut
Each day, focus on attending to the little things that would please your mate. It says in the Bible in Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (your mate).”
Here are some of the things we do:
• Give each other at least one compliment daily.
• Look at your mate when they are speaking.
• Pray with each other.
• Greet one another with a kiss.
• Also be courteous to one another, with a “please” and “thank you”.
• And if your spouse asks, “Hon, will you get such-n-such for me?” — do so with a pleasant attitude and a thankful heart that you have been blessed with a spouse you can serve.
Even though these are little things, they can make a big difference in your marriage. Just remember to practice them daily.
……………………………..
Read, Glean & Adapt
That’s SO true! We’re thankful that the Turnbull’s (Turnbullministries.org) allowed us to share their insights here on this matter. We hope you’ll look through what they wrote to see what you could adapt to your own marriage.
And if you want a little more, here’s a reminder that we wrote a Marriage Insight concerning marriage ruts and boredom several years back. We have a lot of additional tips in that Insight that you could find helpful. Here’s the link:
Above all, the best thing you can do about boredom in marriage is to pray about it. Ask God to help you work through this season in your relationship. (You do realize that it’s common to go through boring seasons, don’t you? The thing is that you work together to bring a little excitement back into it again. It will pass, if you wait it out and do what you can to help it pass along a little faster.)
In closing
Here’s something that Whitney Hopler wrote that supports this point:
“Let God inspire you to see the new possibilities that constantly exist for your marriage. In Isaiah 43:18-19, God declares: ’Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.’
“No matter how boring your marriage has become, with God’s help, it can become exciting again!”
Remember, with God, “All things are possible.” Don’t limit His ability to bless your marriage in positive ways as you commit your ways to Him and participate with Him as He shows you little things here and there that you can do.
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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