This is a question and answer article centering on the issue of recovery from a husband’s adultery with prostitutes. May it minister to your situation!
QUESTION Concerning Prostitutes:
I’ve only been married 4 years. I just learned my husband committed adultery on at least 2 occasions with prostitutes. He says he is sorry and wants to salvage the marriage. I have conflicting emotions from moment to moment. If we as Christians are supposed to forgive others for their sins, why does God allow for divorce when a spouse is unfaithful? I find it hard to believe that a marriage can survive infidelity. I’m wondering how one ever trusts their spouse again after this type of betrayal? We are both Christians. He was saved 3 years ago, no religious upbringing. We don’t have a Church home and share no Christian friends.
We sought counsel from a Christian and that counselor told me that I had approximately 30 days from discovery to either remain, forgive and never speak of the adultery again or divorce. He says that the 30 days is biblical. I’ve never heard of this nor have I read it in the Bible. I think if I choose to stay within the marriage it should be based on my spouse’s behavior. I appreciate any information you may have. Thank you for your time.
Answer in Reply Concerning Prostitutes:
I am so very, very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Your conflicting emotions are totally normal and to be expected.
The biggest thing you need to know is that there is a difference between forgiving someone and trusting him again. They are not the same. When we forgive, we release the other person from our desire to exact revenge on them for hurting us. We let go of their sin against us into God’s hands so that He can deal with them. But broken trust is another matter; it needs to be earned back, and that takes time-a good amount of time, consisting of one faithful, responsible, caring choice after another.
In order to understand God’s allowance for divorce, consider what the Lord Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” The Lord allows for divorce as a matter of love and grace for the one being hurt by a hard-hearted spouse. In the case of infidelity, when a spouse is repentant and truly wants to mend the marriage, God’s desire is that He glorifies Himself in the marriage by demonstrating His power and grace in the relationship.
Rebuilding Trust?
There are many spouses who will attest to the fact that there is indeed trust after betrayal if the unfaithful one truly repents and commits to faithfulness. But it takes time, like I said. Probably close to a year minimum.
I disagree with the 30-day ultimatum. I see nothing in the Bible that says that. However, I do agree that if you choose to stay in the marriage it would depend on whether your husband shows remorse, demonstrates repentance, seeks accountability and is willing for his whereabouts to be checked on at all times. People who are hiding nothing have nothing to fear from accountability.
Offer of Help
We recommend you visit the Midlife Dimensions website Midlife.com. It offers help and resources for dealing with an affair (by putting “Affairs” in their search engine, or going to “Free Resources” and clicking onto “Sex Addict”). I am concerned that you two are not plugged into a church home and therefore do not have any support system. This is going to make recovery unnecessarily difficult.
I would hope that one way your husband could show you he’s serious about mending your marriage is to find a church home and get connected to other people who will help support your marriage. God never intended for us to be “Lone Ranger Christians.” His intent is for us to be knitted into the body of Christ for support and as a way to receive His various kinds of grace.
You are cheating yourself and yourselves to not be connected to an important source of life and strength. I want to strongly suggest that you make this a priority.
I hope you find this helpful.
Sue Bohlin
P.S. You might also poke around the New Life website Newlife.com and educate yourself on sex addiction. If it were me, I would want to know what drove my husband to prostitutes. I would also want to know if my actions played any part in it. (For example, this is one reason the apostle Paul tells married people not to deprive each other sexually.) It sounds like you have an opportunity to each look at your own “stuff” and see what you can both do to build the marriage, as long as he’s serious about it.
© 2006 Probe Ministries
Author:
Sue Bohlin is an associate speaker with Probe Ministries. She attended the University of Illinois, and has been a Bible teacher and conference speaker for over 30 years. Sue serves as a Mentor Mom and speaker for MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers), and on the board and as a small group leader of Living Hope Ministries, a Christ-centered outreach to those dealing with unwanted homosexuality. She is also a professional calligrapher and the web mistress for Probe Ministries; but most importantly, she is the wife of Dr. Ray Bohlin and the mother of their two grown sons.
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Probe Ministries is a non-profit ministry whose mission is to assist the church in renewing the minds of believers with a Christian world view and to equip the church to engage the world for Christ. Probe fulfills this mission through our Mind Games conferences for youth and adults, our 3 1/2 minute daily radio program, and our extensive web site at Probe.org.
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— PLUS, on this Issue of Prostitutes —
Anne Bercht, from Beyondaffairs.com explains a bit more when you’re dealing with Prostitutes. Please read:
• Extramarital Affairs and Sexual Addictions Involving Prostitutes
And lastly, here is an additional article that you may find very helpful as you read:
• How to Find Trust After the Affair
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Is there a blog for Christian support?
(USA) I don’t know of any blogs giving Christian support for this off-hand, but maybe someone else does that will see your comment and will post it here. I know that we would greatly welcome those that would use this web site as a starting place to support each other in Christian love, when it comes to dealing with their husband’s adultery with prostitutes.
We have heard from quite a few women in the past who have had to deal with this heart-breaking issue in their marriages. Sadly, it’s not as uncommon as one may believe. Please know that our hearts are with you. We pray the Lord will comfort you and give you help and hope as you look to heal your heart after being betrayed in this way.
If you or anyone else would like to use this comment section to pour your heart out or pose questions to others, please feel free to do so. This is a safe place where no one has to know your name or specifics. It’s also a place where you can deal with this in community with others who can help you get beyond the devastation that can occur within your heart and your marriage.
(USA) I just found out maybe about 4 months ago that my husband cheated on me with a prostitute. I had suspected but was not really sure, until I left for 2 weeks. That’s when he told me. Everything I felt for him got lost. Somewhere and now I did cheat on him and now I don’t know what to do. He was not a good husband. He always puts his family first before us. So I guess after 11 years I love him, but I’m not in love with him.
I’m sorry for cheating but there’s no turning back now. He found out last night I am doing that. But it felt like a relief for me. I don’t know why it felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and now after 1 night of him not being here I feel so bad. What do I do now? Please advice. Would be appreciated.
Minerva, I experienced those very same emotions you felt when you found out. The very same! I hope you see this and I hope your marriage survived. But, I immediately called my church and scheduled a meeting with my first lady. When we spoke the primary thing that I had to keep doing was 1. not to keep rewinding what happen in my mind and 2. keep living my life as the woman God needs me to be. As Christians we have to keep on living as Christians when life throws us lemons. It’s definitely not easy. I wanted to leave because I was embarrassed, hurt, numb… but I couldn’t. That wouldn’t have been God’s best for my life. I/we cannot live our lives by the actions of others. We have to stay the course set before us. We have to press towards excellence. Hopefully, you saw this. Hopefully, it helped.
Sometimes when life gives you lemons you throw them back at life. Since when did being Christian, turn you into a doormat? Yeah forgive, sure okay but that doesn’t mean you have to stay with a husband who can’t control the most basic level human functions. I’m tired of women thinking they have to be the ones that forget and let it go. No apologies, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. God gave us common sense and free will for a reason, use it.
These women giving this advice in my book aren’t good Christians because they’re teaching women and girls to be weak. Read your Bible, God made eve to be Adams equal, his partner. One half of a whole to help him toil and give him companionship. Jesus came and told us that the married couple stand side by side not wife in back and husband in front or vice versa.
You do what’s right for you, if you are willing to accept this big of transgression then I say if you have kids think about what that teaches your daughter or better yet your son. God bless you if you can but if you cannot, do not feel bad, hate or look down on yourself. Feel empowered because if you truly are a child of God, when one door closes the Lord opens another. Take back your self respect and your dignity!
(NIGERIA) My husband is a Pastor and is constantly having emotional affairs, with people I do not know. When we first got married (8 years ago), the pattern was to mention if we made a new friend and give each other the details.
He stopped doing that long ago. 2 weeks ago, he said he had some things to tell me, but thinks by the time he is done I will not be fit to go to work. He promised to tell me last Friday but did not. I keep seeing strange text messages from him and to him.
I have mentioned that it will be nice to clear his heart so the coming year can be started on a fresh note. This is not the 1st time he will confess he is doing something inappropriate. I never know the details of the affairs. I don’t know anything about these ladies.
I want him to stop. The suspense is killing me. I have constant pain in my heart/chest.
I am thinking of bring in a common friend, who will ask him to take me to another room and with just 2 of us… he should tell me anything he wants. The person’s role is not to know what I am told but to manage the impact on me. Will that give him confidence?
Please help me. Can a man who has had an emotional affair tell me what he would want if he were my husband? He has indicated interest in talking but is has not come around to it.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? I AM BREAKING UP. MY HEALTH IS AT STAKE.
(USA) Dear Tito, I’m sure there are many who have read what you are going through who, along with me, truly hurt for you. It must be an unimaginable pain to suspect your husband of this type of betrayal. Please know that we weep and hurt with your tears.
As far as what you can do, I have to say that because you aren’t exactly sure how deeply your husband is involved in sexual temptation and sin, it makes all of this more difficult to deal with. I will point you in a few directions praying they will help. But somehow, you need to talk with your husband about this so you know exactly what you are dealing with and what he has done. Whether you do this with a friend in the other room or not, it’s something you need to pray about. I trust that God will reveal this to you.
But you need to talk to your husband somehow, sometime soon. Often times the imagination can take you places that are untrue. The Bible tells us to “cast down” false imaginations because they can lead us astray. You can’t cast down what is false, until you know what is true. Often times, what we don’t know CAN hurt us worse than knowing the truth because that which is allowed to grow in darkness can become all the more sinister and difficult to overcome. It appears your husband has a lot of activity that is growing in the darkness right now.
Obviously, you and your husband need help. The Bible says, “the truth will set you free.” And in your case, as difficult as facing the truth may be, you will then be free to grieve through that which you KNOW to be true, and you will be freer to find the help that is needed. It sounds like your husband is deeply involved in that which is keeping him a prisoner to sin. I pray that as you talk together, God will help both of you to find a way out of that entanglement.
If you notice in the article we have posted above, I added an additional link to an article on working through the same type of betrayal. Because you aren’t sure if you are dealing with emotional and/or physical affairs, cybersex, prostitutes, or exactly what… you need to find out so you can get the right type of help.
Because you are a pastor’s wife, I have additional help to point you towards. Those who are in full-time ministry have a special target aimed at their marriages and personal walks because the enemy of our faith knows that when we fall, potentially many others could fall as well. That is one of the reasons we have a section for “Pastors and Spouses” where we have articles posted as well as testimonies, and links to other ministries that can help you.
Please go through the links provided and see where you believe God is leading you. Two that come immediately to mind are: Parsonage.org as well as Pastorswives.org which reaches out to help pastor’s wives in one-on-one ways. Pastorswife.com gives you a newsletter– which can be good, however Pastorswives.org appears to go beyond this to give you personal attention. You will see other web site links in this section could help you as well. I’m not sure which ones exactly you will need, but God does.
If you are dealing with “Pornography and Cybersex” we have a section on this as well, that you could find helpful. The link to the ministry of “Faithful and True” might be helpful — especially if you are dealing with prostitutes because Dr Mark Laaser dealt with that in his own life. Also, “New Life Partners.org” helps women “whose lives have been impacted by husbands caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction.” I’ve recommended this ministry to other women and they have given me good feedback as to the help they are receiving.
So I believe you have some good places to start as soon as you know exactly what you are dealing with, concerning your husband. In all of these sections, as well as the sections on “Extramarital Affairs” and “Emotional Infidelity” and “Surviving Infidelity” there are links and recommended resources and articles that can help you AND your husband, if he is repentant and open to it. I pray he will be.
Please know that you aren’t alone in this. You may feel alone because you may not feel like you can talk about this to very many people –especially being a pastor’s wife, but please don’t allow the enemy of your faith to fool you into thinking that you are alone. There are many of us who will be praying for you. And God is only a whisper away.
Sometimes the enemy of our faith tries to deceive us into thinking we are isolated from those who would care and could help. But that is a lie. We are “surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses” even when we don’t realize it. I pray you will know that you are loved and cared about by many others that you may not see. God Himself, will never leave you nor forsake you — no matter what your perceptions will try to do to fool you otherwise.
The links and articles I am pointing you towards, will also give you another avenue of outreach to find healing through which God can breathe hope, and give you added help. I pray you take advantage of all that is available. May God help you in every way that you need it!!!
I say people cannot change what they don’t acknowledge. Her husband is in denial or just indifferent and no advice given to her is going to change his behavior. Forgiving is different and completely separate from acceptation. This advice these people are giving is warm and fuzzy but not at all practical.
Ask yourself if you can live with infidelity because people treat us the way we allow them to. God doesn’t say we are obligated to be doormats, just that we must forgive.
Chrissy, a lot of what you say here and in the other comments we posted for you is much of Dr Phil’s regurgitation. I really like Dr Phil (and respect his advice), but his advice is not the gospel truth. As with all human advisors (including me), people need to pray and decide what GOD is telling them, concerning divorce. I need you to know that something we don’t do on this web site is encourage divorce, from us or post comments from others who try to do so. (If you look at the posting guidelines, we state this.) That is a decision between them and God. It’s not my “job” or anyone’s to encourage them to end their marriage. We’re told what God has put together, man is not supposed to separate. Sometimes God wants to do a supernatural miracle in their marriage, and when we push at people to divorce, we could very well be interfering. God is perfectly capable of telling them if this is something they need to do to a cheating spouse.
I HAVE known of marriages where the couple stayed together and eventually the marriage grew very, very good, with absolutely no cheating any more. People CAN change –they don’t always, but we can’t rule out the possibility. My parents own marriage is an example. Cheating was involved and at first my dad was not repentant. But eventually God grabbed his heart, he listened and completely changed his behavior for the rest of their lives together. The rest of their marriage was very good. If my mom would have listened to those that encouraged her to divorce my dad (because of what THEY thought would be best for them), SHE would have had to live with the consequences, not them. So we don’t encourage, but we also don’t condemn.
You are right that forgiving is different from accepting bad behavior. Too many people DO accept it and allow themselves to live as door mats. But please don’t exclude that God can work in someone’s life and that person can actually listen, and change their behavior, which once looked like they never would. I’ve seen it happen. It doesn’t always happen, but it DOES happen.
(USA) Indeed, Satan and the demons will attack severely the marriage of true servants of God because their downfall would lead also to more downfalls of the believers or lead to the backsliding of other brethren.
As a wife, we know that we become ONE in marriage with our husband. That is why as long as we are doing the will of God, we want our husband to do the same, since we love our husband.
Before, once my husband backslid, I felt like the whole blame was put on me because I am the wife. I started also to question the kind of wife I was to my husband and why he committed such sins. But when I read the Holy Bible that says each of us should work well with our own salvation, then that’s the start where I became less affected by the backsliding of my husband –especially since we are both Christians.
My husband is my responsibility in all aspects except SPIRITUALLY, especially since we are both reading the Holy Bible daily. It is his own accountability to God if he does not apply it to his life in order to be saved. In order to be saved, he must be strong against temptations. His will power must be strong. Strength against prostitutes or pornography does not come from the wife but from the husband himself.
We should all be reminded… "Many were called, but FEW were chosen" — depending on our faithfulness to God. The road to heaven is too narrow. So wives, don’t die thinking you will go to heaven alone or without your husband since there is no more marriage in heaven. We will just be glorifying the Holy Father alone.
Therefore, let not the INFIDELITY of our husbands pull us down to unbearable jealousy, self-pity, depression and immorality as well. GOD the Father in heaven should be our FIRST LOVE and TRUE LOVE so that we could survive any emotional pains that our sinning husbands will cause us.
(USA) This is an area where I believe one should be educated before speaking or offering advice. Her husband’s use of prostitutes does not fall under the same category of adultery. It isn’t even remotely close. He is a sexual addict. The writer of this article should go back and do some research on this topic before trying to offer advice for something she knows nothing about. That’s the problem with all these websites, they all mean well but most people writing them don’t have a clue as to what they are really talking about.
If your spouse’s "adultery" includes, porn, strippers, prostitutes, fetishes, etc you are not dealing with the good old American affair. These are all signs of a sexual addiction.
I am appalled that a christian counselor would have the audacity to say: "If it were me, I would want to know what drove my husband to a prostitute. I would also want to know if my actions played any part in it. (For example, this is one reason the apostle Paul tells married people not to deprive each other sexually.) It sounds like you have an opportunity to each look at your own “stuff” and see what you can both do to build the marriage, as long as he’s serious about it."
The lady was not to blame in any way, to tell her that withholding herself could have let to this is appalling. Educate yourself before you try and use God’s words to inflict more self blame on someone who is going through the most devastating time in her life.
Most likely as many of us "partners of SA’s" experience, we suffer from codependency or are co-addicts. We know something’s not right, but just can’t put our finger on it so we either go above and beyond to try and fix, repair, save, rebuild by doing things most spouses wouldn’t dream of. Either that or we shut down emotionally to keep from being hurt. Right or wrong doesn’t matter, so even if she had been withholding from him, it wasn’t to just be mean or selfish, it was probably the only thing she knew to do, but don’t you dare tell her it may be her fault.
She is not to blame in anyway, her husband is emotionally immature and this is the method he has chosen to hide and cover his emotions to make himself feel better.
The only part of this article that I even remotely agree with is that yes, with the right help and counseling and her husband’s willingness to make it right, it is possible to rebuild and heal. But only if he is truly sorry for what he’s done.
In my own experience I can honestly say that it is not an easy road, because chances are there has been much more than just the 2 he confessed to. That’s the way the addiction works. The best piece of advice I ever received was the person who wrote. "Don’t be surprised if there is more". If your husband came to you and confessed, you have hope. If he just got caught, well that’s a tougher road to take and I wouldn’t be so fast to believe him.
There are several online programs that can help, as well as books that are available. You can try http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com they offer a biblical approach to healing for addicts as well as partners, although I didn’t agree with some of it, it did help in the initial discovery phase if you use the information. There is also http://www.recoverynation.com. This site is not biblically based but it is a good site that will help you to understand addiction and it’s causes.
There are many good books, but the best place to start is Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. I would also recommend Don’t Call it Love and Contrary to love. There are Christian support groups available for partners at Yahoo groups. And you can also do a search online for partners of sexual addicts support, many will come up.
(USA) Thank you for this comment. When I read this author’s use Pauls advice in the Bible to reflect blame back on this woman, I felt SICK! As the wife of a SA, I know the intense blame that we place on ourselves… this “counselor” adding to those feelings of blame was cruel! We are NOT to blame for our husband’s addictions. The first thing my husband’s counselors told me was “you are not the reason he does these things!”.
I am disgusted by what was written in response to this hurting woman. She needs to know this is NOT her fault. Heart to Heart ministries is a great resource for partners of SAs. It is not easy to find out that you are married to a SA, however when a Christian counselor goes on to make you feel bad for the sins of your husband, that’s inexcusable! I agree that this counselor needs to do some extensive research on sex addiction before giving any more advice to broken and hurting wives. No one knows how this feels unless you’ve been there…
I also felt sick reading this article, especially towards the end when she in essence blamed the wife for her husband sleeping with a prostitute. I am not sure if this lady has any sort of training or if she is just handing out dangerous advice. It’s hard enough to go through something like this but to have a crock blame the victim. It’s pretty sad. He has a sexual addiction and I am pretty sure it existed before his wife. He needs to dig deep to see what’s going on.
(USA) Thank you so much for your comments. I have recently learned that my husband of 20 years was seeing an escort. She called me. He had broken it off but never intended on telling me. In my heart I know she was not the first but he will never tell. He has had two emotional affairs that I know of as well. After reading your post I think that he might be a sex addict. I have always suspected it.
Thank you for saying that it is not my fault as I have struggled with that. But over the years I have tried so hard at times and at others I have given up. He is wanting help this time and says that he loves me too much to lose me. I am sick of all of this and would really love to see him get help. But I don’t know if there is any hope left for our marriage. We are both Christians and I have forgiven him and the escort but I am really tired of being tested for STDs etc. Maybe if he had ever confessed things it would be different.
(AUSTRALIA) I have gone through the same thing… although he denies that he went there. There was a brothel address on his phone, also two strip clubs when he worked away. I suggest that you go through his financials as you may find that he has been going to brothels longer than what you suspect. And the moron that suggests what drives a man to an affair. How stupid. We choose an affair.
I have been told that I could of been a supermodel. It still didn’t stop my husband from doing revolting things to me. Wake up ladies. It’s nothing about looks. It’s about being selfish and not putting that time into a marriage. A man is to be similar to Jesus Christ. He was a carpenter, worked hard, loved God and died for us all. Sadly, a lot of men today are babies. As long as pastors stand on the pulpit and say this is a hard area for men, it’s brainwashing women to accept that this behaviour is in some respect accepted. I find that if a pastor says it’s a selfish act and stop blaming how men are visual, is a cop out. Women are visual but in churches it’s taboo for women to discuss being like this. We are taught to be conservative, while our husbands perve on women with tight tops and little shorts. How many women I know go to female gyms that are Christian whilst their husbands go to mixed gyms? C’mon ladies, wake up.
(USA) I am afraid that my husband is an addict also. He got caught, initially he lied, I even asked him to swear on my life and he did. Once he realized that he had no way out, he finally fessed up to two incidents with strippers. He paid them to take him in a private room where the man lays down on a bed and the prostitute has only a g-string on. I don’t need to go into what she does to him in there.
I’ve also caught him on porn sights and a dating website. He will not allow me to have access to his email. He said it is about privacy. I also caught him telling an old girlfriend that he was unhappy with me and other friends that he was going to leave me.
Now he professes his love, sends flowers, says he is so sorry and wants to prove his love and work on our marriage. Now I have reason to believe that he is back to his previous behavior and he is lying about it again. He lies about all sorts of things needlessly. For example, he got a phone call from a police dept asking for a donation and he did not want to donate, so he told them that he would but the poor soul lost his job. Big fat lie! I am numb from so many emotions now and I feel that the best thing for me is to break away and try to have a better life.
(USA) I have been married for 18 years and have had a difficult marriage from the start. My husband has mistreated me emotionally and physically (years ago – not currently physically), and has withheld himself from me to the point that I lost all confidence in my sexual nature. Getting older and having a hysterectomy hasn’t helped that at all. I walk closely with the Lord, but although he calls himself saved, he does not. He is not submitted to the Lord at all in the way he spends his time, money, or anything.
However, until recently he has always been faithful to me. He has come to me and told me that he is not happy, and wants more. Upon more questioning and many lies, I finally discovered that he is having an affair with a girl almost half his age, who is a stripper. To complicate matters though, he met her because my son was friends with her son. He has brought her son here to spend the weekend before and of course I didn’t know about what was going on at the time. My son has also spent the night at this woman’s house.
When I discovered everything, he claimed it was already over, but I saw some messages on his cell phone and confronted him again. He admitted that he’s not sure what he wants and when I asked him flat out if he wanted the marriage or her, he couldn’t answer me. He has told me that this is all my fault because I no longer drink (before I walked with the Lord I drank heavily) and I am no longer the “aggressor” in sex. This is apparently what he wants. He has gone so far as to say that he liked me better when I was drinking. She is also manipulating him by saying things like, “I’ve never let my children meet any of my other boyfriends”, and he said to me today, with tears in his eyes, that he can’t “leave those children”. After having spent 16 years ignoring our son, he suddenly spends a lot of time with him – because this friendship is his ticket to seeing this woman all the time.
I prayed when I discovered this and I felt the Lord told me that I have not done all I could and to love my husband as I am told in the Bible. But now with the continued lying and the fact that he won’t end it, I seem not to be hearing from the Lord (probably because I’m in shock, I haven’t slept in days), and I get conflicting advice from Christian friends. Can anyone tell me – is there any chance that he will come to his senses and come back to the Lord (and me)? I am unclear on what my next step should be, but my flesh wants to run and run fast, which is why I am waiting to get direction from the Lord. Thanks for anything you can tell me. I never imagined I would be in this situation after all the things I’ve stayed with him through. Blessings.
(AUSTRALIA) Again, I am going through something similar. I have come to the conclusion if God allows us choice and can’t change a stubborn heart that turns away from him, how can we? I held on for 6 months, but I have realised my children are suffering as a result of his low living. I drew closer to God, fasted each week and prayed in the spirit. God changed me and changed my kids. They are open to his low living ways.
God led me to the book of Ruth and what defines a woman of greatness. You see it’s not about your husband; it is about you. He likes his violent films on TV when he comes home, so me and my boys put on Christian sermons in the other room. It’s wonderful. The more the boys see me as a great role model the more they see their father is low living. You have to keep an eye on your kids first, teach them what it is to be a real man, have sermons on this subject, talk to your children, get your children on the side first, then you will have the strength to realise that your efforts and energies need to now be focused on your children and let God deal with your husband however he sees fit.
(UNITED STATES) Now is the time to stop cheating. It is not worth losing your soul mate over this. Be honest. Start fresh; the way to do that is to tell the truth.
(USA) I have been married for 8 years. I found out several months ago that my husband was cheating on me with prostitutes for at least 6 of those 8 years. I am lost. I love my husband and I believe that I should want to work it out. But how do I stay in a marriage in which there is no trust? He is very apologetic and is trying to work it out but I feel like it’s too little too late.
The adultery has left me so insecure. I was never the type of person who looked over my shoulders or tried to keep a tight reign on my husband. I had complete trust in him. Now, I find myself always second guessing myself. I feel inadequate. I feel like he is always looking around. I use to think I was attractive but now I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like he wants what I don’t have physically. He completely denies any of this. He says he loves me and that I’m beautiful but it doesn’t take away the fact that he went to prostitutes to fulfill a need that I couldn’t. I’m always waiting for him to do it again. People don’t really change, do they?
I feel completely alone and rejected not only by my husband but by God. It is too much for me to bear. We have three children and I am pregnant with our fourth. I also have a medical condition. I feel unloved and insignificant like I have been brushed aside at a time when I needed help the most. I’ve been to counseling for myself and as a couple. None of it seems to have helped instead it leaves me drained and depressed. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know if I should leave or try to make a marriage work in which there is no trust.
(UNITED STATES) I too have been married for 22 years. I just found out a year ago he was seeing prostitues for 15 years, but the last 5 to 6 years was steady, like weekly. At first he said it was to explore and then it was about me; he said I was mean. His dad did the same thing but he says he’s not like his dad.
We are clean; no STD’s. He is a better man now, BUT I live with this pain everyday. I too have always loved him and trusted everything, and would he ever cheat on me? NO. But look what I’ve got now. YES, he did. I look for ways to let my mind let it go. It’s hard. Everyday it’s there.
(USA) I am back to say that with God’s help, my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage. I see now that the Lord was letting my husband hit “rock bottom” and was waiting for him to truly repent and submit to the Lord in his life. For three weeks now we have been working actively on our marriage – he ended things with the other woman, made an appointment for us to see our pastor and confessed it to him, we’ve gotten counseling in various matters from the pastor, and have spent a weekend off from home just reliving our honeymoon and starting over. Praise God – when He redeems our souls, He’s not through – He’s in the business of redeeming everything as we go along!
Barbara, my heart hurts for you. But I would say something I hope is encouraging – your husband has trouble with a “real relationship” from the sound of it; getting involved with prostitutes is not an emotional affair in most cases. I know it’s small comfort, but men are able to separate their physical desires from their emotional feelings. This is a problem your husband has, and has nothing to do with your desirability or needs you think you can’t meet. I pray that since your husband is sorrowful over the infidelity, you can use this opportunity to get a little “tough” with him, in making it a big priority to go get counseling, hopefully from your pastor or a Christian counselor.
Above all, pray. The Lord has not abandoned you, but has seen fit to let you go through this horrible trial. It could be something similar to my situation where the Lord was working to break my husband’s will so that he would learn to submit to the Lord. Ask the Lord to fill your heart with forgiveness and love toward your husband, and keep your eyes on the Lord. This has been the toughest for me and I keep stumbling but keep on working on it: don’t focus on how you’ve been hurt – give those hurts to the Lord and instead ask the Lord to show you how you can be a blessing to your husband. No, it’s not “fair”, but we know the Lord will bless our obedience.
I can tell you three weeks into the rebuilding process, it works if you do what the Lord says. Stay in the Word and remember how Jesus illustrated servanthood. He hasn’t called us to go to that level (dying on a cross), and yet we think we can’t do what He asks. I’m speaking to myself here too, believe me. Ask the Lord to show you ways to be a blessing to your husband, and to help you keep your eyes on HIM – your Heavenly Father, Provider, and all in all. The Lord will meet all your needs. Remember, your value lies in how much HE loves you anyway. So don’t let your self-esteem get down here – don’t focus on it at all, just the Lord and His faithfulness, His strength, His omnipotence, His control of all things and working them for good for you.
I pray this helps you as I am reminding myself of everything the Lord has shown me in these last four weeks or so of going through this. If we can be obedient, we can be very useful in helping our husbands’ walk with the Lord and their eternal destiny, which is what’s most important, right? Gotta think on eternal things everytime the enemy tries to get you to focus on the “down here”. Blessings to you.
(USA) Ladies, does it really matter if it’s a hooker or a man stealing educated “well respected” Heart surgeon who gratuated Cornell University? I had BOTH experiences and neither one makes it better. Actually the hooker was less painful because he saw her ‘twice” out of town and she said the same thing.
I had more compassion for her than the skank two years later who met him at a dinner party and was divorced. They started the affair and it went on for two years before I kicked him out. She made me and my children’s life hell contacting them and stalking them on facebook and harrassing us. Finally she and he are together.
It’s been a long recovering journey but the educated evil Cornell gratuate was A LOT more skanky, evil and mean spirited in my eyes than the hooker, most people would like to see as the wort of the worst. The hooker is a transaction. It’s the mistresses who wants to come in and wants to strip the children and wife of a life and start a new one with their husband and father! BEWARE OF THEM!! Forget the hookers!
(USA) I feel for all these women here as I know how difficult and painful it is in such a situation. When I first met someone in college my reasoning was too shallow. The man I met professed himself as having been raised in church. I saw him active in church, read the Bible, prayed and even said his grace in public places etc… In my own reasoning I thought that this is the sign of a good, trustworthy man. His mother told me that she’s praying for me. This raised a question in my mind, why? But I pushed it off since on the other hand I thought I might be rude to ask “why.” Afterall who doesn’t appreciate being prayed for?
In less than a year after we were married he started complaining about attending church and stating that he misses his party life etc… He was mean, rude, sometimes physically abusing me, verbally abusive and constantly making threats and shaming me even in public places. I asked the Lord to show me what I did not see beforehand, and HE did. I saw seeds… balsam like… I saw plants I never saw before outside. At times he got so restless… and he started disappearing more often. I got worried as I did not know where he went and might be in danger, etc… sometimes I would almost call the police when he showed up… things began to show up very rapidly.
I saw him outside with a pipe, I saw a very pretty look alike mini kerosene lamp, his phone was very busy, lots of people calling… men and women… the phone was constantly ringing and would not stop if no one answered…and he puts them through an operator. The operator does not know what’s going on so s/he pleads for them to get through even if I am all alone in the house. Sometimes I caught him with crude chemistry apparatus in the house. He runs actively everywhere… I was all alone, no friends, no one to talk to and the house was impossible! He just kept filling it from the attic to the basement, if possible, with all kinds of things from the tiniest to the biggest items… windows all closed up, afraid of???
Riding with him was so scary. He threatened to throw me off or drive on the lonely winding narrow back roads on the mountains… threatened to put marijuana in my food etc. I tried everything I could to help him but it was impossible. I felt totally helpless and ashamed of myself. I shunned myself from friends. He played tricks on me… he’d pick me up from work… he’d invite me to come to a restaurant… then he’d complain about the food just to make a big scene. I was forced to pay for it just to able to get out to shorten the shameful scene. Then he’d take my money.
Then I was pregnant. I never visited a doctor. I kept working until I was 8 months. It was Thanksgiving and thought I would get back to work… I was alone at home and I felt my baby was arriving… I was just getting ready to go by bus when he arrived at 4 am. He took me to the hospital… he left… too much IV was given to me, so that I almost died. The doctor thought I had a massive lung disease …when it was water. A nurse asked me if I want to go home. I didn’t want to but I was afraid… (I saw an ad of behavior with an 800 number, prior to my giving birth to a baby… then I learned of my circumstances.) I saw porn magazines that I had never saw before… I had lived my separate life, even if I was living with him, after I saw many unfamiliar things that he kept… he was very irresponsible, but he was caring for his friends.
The last time he slapped me on my glasses (because I wouldn’t let him take my baby to his friends… he wanted to ride around with him), I prayed to God to give me a chance to leave. I left right after he left the day he slapped me. I went through many years of financial instability but God helped me manage. He kept trailing after us. One day I received a letter from him that he was no longer the same… he had abandoned his ways. I came back and he was not telling the truth. He had been living with a prostitute he first met when we first arrived in the town we moved to years ago… and they have 2 children. He made me babysit them all through the years. The constant emotional pain I had to put up with through the years… I asked God to remove it from me, and it slowly went away.
But his constant visitation, in his own way, was very interrupting and negative influence on my growing son. I left to go to another state, but then I got laid off… I could not afford to live… I accepted his invitation to live in one of his motor homes… but we soon learned he had his girlfriend still around. She was very jealous and angry… protesting…she had many boyfriends coming around. It took me more than a year to get a lousy job, to get out of the way… but he still bugs me into coming back to him. I am afraid of him where divorce is concerned. I feel sorry for him yet I know our life will go down hill with him. What am I going to do now? I am very worried.
(USA) I have been in a relationship with my child’s father for over 5 years now and I ran across some very explicit sexual messages to women and even read planning for action to take place and then afterwards. He lied about it, cried about it, said it wasn’t me, he doesn’t know what comes over him, he admitted to taking it too far, etc.
He has been putting off the marriage with every excuse he has. I guess I know why now. I am so hurt I cry inside all the time. I feel sick and have not eaten. He begs me to give him one more chance. I do not know what to do. It makes me sick to think that I would have married him not knowing this. He said he would do anything to keep our family together. One moment I think I can handle it, another; I break down in tears. Why? What should I do? I want to be happy…
(USA) I wish only the best to all of you.