This is a question and answer article centering on the issue of recovery from a husband’s adultery with prostitutes. May it minister to your situation!
QUESTION Concerning Prostitutes:
I’ve only been married 4 years. I just learned my husband committed adultery on at least 2 occasions with prostitutes. He says he is sorry and wants to salvage the marriage. I have conflicting emotions from moment to moment. If we as Christians are supposed to forgive others for their sins, why does God allow for divorce when a spouse is unfaithful? I find it hard to believe that a marriage can survive infidelity. I’m wondering how one ever trusts their spouse again after this type of betrayal? We are both Christians. He was saved 3 years ago, no religious upbringing. We don’t have a Church home and share no Christian friends.
We sought counsel from a Christian and that counselor told me that I had approximately 30 days from discovery to either remain, forgive and never speak of the adultery again or divorce. He says that the 30 days is biblical. I’ve never heard of this nor have I read it in the Bible. I think if I choose to stay within the marriage it should be based on my spouse’s behavior. I appreciate any information you may have. Thank you for your time.
Answer in Reply Concerning Prostitutes:
I am so very, very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Your conflicting emotions are totally normal and to be expected.
The biggest thing you need to know is that there is a difference between forgiving someone and trusting him again. They are not the same. When we forgive, we release the other person from our desire to exact revenge on them for hurting us. We let go of their sin against us into God’s hands so that He can deal with them. But broken trust is another matter; it needs to be earned back, and that takes time-a good amount of time, consisting of one faithful, responsible, caring choice after another.
In order to understand God’s allowance for divorce, consider what the Lord Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” The Lord allows for divorce as a matter of love and grace for the one being hurt by a hard-hearted spouse. In the case of infidelity, when a spouse is repentant and truly wants to mend the marriage, God’s desire is that He glorifies Himself in the marriage by demonstrating His power and grace in the relationship.
Rebuilding Trust?
There are many spouses who will attest to the fact that there is indeed trust after betrayal if the unfaithful one truly repents and commits to faithfulness. But it takes time, like I said. Probably close to a year minimum.
I disagree with the 30-day ultimatum. I see nothing in the Bible that says that. However, I do agree that if you choose to stay in the marriage it would depend on whether your husband shows remorse, demonstrates repentance, seeks accountability and is willing for his whereabouts to be checked on at all times. People who are hiding nothing have nothing to fear from accountability.
Offer of Help
We recommend you visit the Midlife Dimensions website Midlife.com. It offers help and resources for dealing with an affair (by putting “Affairs” in their search engine, or going to “Free Resources” and clicking onto “Sex Addict”). I am concerned that you two are not plugged into a church home and therefore do not have any support system. This is going to make recovery unnecessarily difficult.
I would hope that one way your husband could show you he’s serious about mending your marriage is to find a church home and get connected to other people who will help support your marriage. God never intended for us to be “Lone Ranger Christians.” His intent is for us to be knitted into the body of Christ for support and as a way to receive His various kinds of grace.
You are cheating yourself and yourselves to not be connected to an important source of life and strength. I want to strongly suggest that you make this a priority.
I hope you find this helpful.
Sue Bohlin
P.S. You might also poke around the New Life website Newlife.com and educate yourself on sex addiction. If it were me, I would want to know what drove my husband to prostitutes. I would also want to know if my actions played any part in it. (For example, this is one reason the apostle Paul tells married people not to deprive each other sexually.) It sounds like you have an opportunity to each look at your own “stuff” and see what you can both do to build the marriage, as long as he’s serious about it.
© 2006 Probe Ministries
Author:
Sue Bohlin is an associate speaker with Probe Ministries. She attended the University of Illinois, and has been a Bible teacher and conference speaker for over 30 years. Sue serves as a Mentor Mom and speaker for MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers), and on the board and as a small group leader of Living Hope Ministries, a Christ-centered outreach to those dealing with unwanted homosexuality. She is also a professional calligrapher and the web mistress for Probe Ministries; but most importantly, she is the wife of Dr. Ray Bohlin and the mother of their two grown sons.
What is Probe?
Probe Ministries is a non-profit ministry whose mission is to assist the church in renewing the minds of believers with a Christian world view and to equip the church to engage the world for Christ. Probe fulfills this mission through our Mind Games conferences for youth and adults, our 3 1/2 minute daily radio program, and our extensive web site at Probe.org.
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— PLUS, on this Issue of Prostitutes —
Anne Bercht, from Beyondaffairs.com explains a bit more when you’re dealing with Prostitutes. Please read:
• Extramarital Affairs and Sexual Addictions Involving Prostitutes
And lastly, here is an additional article that you may find very helpful as you read:
• How to Find Trust After the Affair
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(CA) So sad to hear all these stories. I’ve been with my husband for over 6 years and married over 2. I found out he cheated on me twice before we got married. One with some random chick he met at a bar and the other one was a prostitute.
Just a few days ago I went into his “so called not email” and found 2 pictures of a high end prostitute and a picture of himself which he sent to her. I’m working 2 jobs. While being at my second job he’s watching porn like crazy and attempted to contact this prostitute and sleep with her.
I spoke to him about it many times and asked why. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. I gave this marriage more than 100% of everything I had and have. I’m only 25 and he’s 30. I do love this man but with these incidents I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. He has apologized like crazy, and wants me back but I’m not sure if I can.
Please guys and girls, I need advice. I feel like I’m going crazy! He tells me that he never slept with this girl, just a few days ago, but he has slept with one before and the other random chick… ahhh please help me!
(USA) About 2 1/2 years ago I found out my husband was visiting massage parlors and I found several calls to prostitutes on his cell phone records which he claims he only called. I can’t believe a word he says, he swears he’s only been to massage parlors, never had full sex with anyone or prostitute. Only calling prostitutes? Seriously, he is a total liar and it bothers me that he hands me these lies.
I have lost all respect for him and though he’s made a change and went through counseling I can’t help but think of him as a disgusting pig who had no respect for the women he has used, especially in the massage parlor where they come from poor countries and many are forced against their will or brought up since childhood in the sex trafficking industry.
How can these men call themselves Christians? He is a pastor’s kid. I stay because I love him and I love my children but I can’t begin to describe the daily pain and resentment I live with. I am so unhappy. I put on a happy face and I just go through my daily routine.
It never goes away. That visual is always there and it leaves me so empty at times. To the point where I just want to escape and start over but I didn’t which is totally against my personality. I’ve betrayed myself by being so weak. I don’t know if I can handle the mistrust, the constant watching, monitoring, prying. I feel like a detective not a person who is in a marriage. I’ve come to grips that I will never trust him fully even if he never does it again I will always wonder what he’s doing. I wish I was a stronger Christian who could just have faith but the chance of being blindsided like that is so terrifying.
(USA) Dear wives/husbands, It’s heartbreaking to read the stories here. We are in a war folks. I believe one of the reasons so many Christian men are engaging in this sin is that they’ve bought into the man made belief that they were ‘saved’ by repeating a prayer when they were 18 years old, that they can sin all they want and still enter into glory. “No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God”. So a person who continues in sin is not born again and WILL not enter into the kingdom of God. If a man or woman has the Holy Spirit indwelling them when they sin they will feel the chastening of the Father, They will feel Godly sorrow, not just sorrow for being found out etc.
We are living in an age of lust, lust, lust. Get rid of the T.V. It’s one of the devil’s devices. It promotes adultery, murder, every kind degeneracy. It’s a lust generating machine. Pray, pray, pray for your families. Pray against the Spirit of lust. Break the generational curses that have been formed.
Blessings to you all, Jesus said repent to believers in the Book of Revelation! The Spirit says “Repent.” This is war. We have the victory in Jesus! Christian
(USA) I’ve been married to Caleb for almost 8 years. This is my second marriage, and his first. I fell in love with Caleb despite our 14 year age difference. Caleb cannot have children, and I have six. We’re both Christians. Caleb has a lot of emotional issues related to his childhood, as well do I.
In 2007, I became aware that Caleb had been feeling resentful that he was a virgin when we met. He began searching personal ads, and had a crush on my best friend’s daughter. I was devastated. Little did I know that things were worse and would worsen. I found out in March that he had molested my youngest daughter when she was 7. She is now 15. He pursued her sexually for two years rubbing her back and wanting close physical contact with her. He said that he was in love with her. My children were taken away when I attempted suicide.
In August, I left the state to taken care of my dying mother, to see my kids, and decide what to do about the marriage. In September Calebs had sex with a prostitute, and had a two month affair with an 18 years old. He lied to me continuously. I attempted suicide again, this time almost destroying my liver from a Tylenol overdose.
His family wants me to be patient with him while he gets help for his sex addiction. I still love him, but how can this marriage be saved knowing what it would do to my daughter?
(US) It’s hard enough when the one you love cheats on you with someone who isn’t a prostitute. There are the emotional aspects of him or her favoring someone else instead of you. The joys and pains you hoped they would share with you, they instead share with another.
Though there may not be an emotional tie to a prostitute to the same extent, there is the fear of contracting an incurable illness. They can say they wore protection but can you really trust them…they cheated in the first place.
I do believe you must seek Jesus for his love and guidance. I believe you should forgive him, put away his sin against you, see where you may have failed him as a wife and seek Christ. Ask Jesus for a miracle in your marriage. Please know that him cheating is wrong and though he may have an explanation such as, ‘you did not give me enough sexual attention’, this does not make it excusable. An explanation is just that and not an excuse. Forgive him but do not excuse it. Forgive him but do not automatically give him all your trust. Give all your trust to God. If you do decide to stay together and work things out, please use caution if deciding to have sexual relations with him. This is something so personal that I can only say to pray to Christ for an answer.
I will pray for you and your husband and God directs both of your paths soon so that you may have some semblance of peace. M.
(USA) My heart is broken:( Let me start off saying that I am not perfect at all). I have made a horrible mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. When we first got married, I found pornos and playboy magazines. I would be so mad. I haven’t seen anymore for around 12 years. He got caught talking to a prostitute after being married for 4 years. He didn’t go through with it and he told me that he was just goofing around. I stayed mad at him for years and years. Then 7 years later I had this guy that started making me feel good about myself and I ended up in an affair. It lasted for a year before we got caught. Then it started again a year later and it lasted 3 months and I broke it off and then back on again. It was like that for around 5 years until I put an end to it.
I felt horrible but felt like I loved him but then again I loved my husband too. Well, it has been 6 years since I was caught. Now 6 months ago my husband comes home all crying. He admits to me that he hasn’t been able to get over my affair and that he had been seeing the guy I had an affair with on and off for a while and it drove him crazy. He said he got so mad that he called this number and went to a hotel to meet a prostitute. He asked for a BJ and paid money but it turned out to be a cop. He was arrested but let go. This happened out of town. He had to go out of town for his job. He told me he felt so horrible about it and he had to tell me. They ended up dropping the charges if he did community service. I just can’t believe this happened. He has cried and cried for months. I know I did wrong and I’m not perfect but how could he do this to me. I feel like he is nasty. We went to counseling but I just can’t get over it. I dont know if I will ever feel the same about him. I dont know if I will stay or leave one day. Please help me. Why come I’m giving him a hard time when look what I did? But then again, does he have this thing for prostitutes? He swore on his kids lives that he has never had sex with anyone but me since we have been together. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to believe.
(USA) So much of the stories I am reading sound painfully familiar. I found out 3 days ago that my husband went to a prostitute. The phone rang after he had gone to bed and there was a text from her asking if he was every going to come see her again. When I confronted him, he said he was so sorry and begged me to forgive him. He said he went to see her, she put a condom on him and then he panicked and left because he knew it wasn’t right. The thing is, a week later he was texting her to appologize for panicking. He denies it, but I am sure he would have gone back to her if I hadn’t caught him.
He also admits to phone sex “for years” with people from Craigslist and also phone sex lines. I’m so hurt. He has always known the one thing I needed from him was faithfulness. He has been looking me in the eyes for years telling me he was faithful when it was all lies. He had a whole other life that I didn’t now about. If you would have asked me a month ago if I could forgive him for something like this I would have said absolutely not. But we’ve been together for 18 years and I just don’t know what to do. I think I can learn to forgive him but trusting him again is another thing all together.
I am spending all my free time monitoring his cellphone and computer but I know this is pointless. If he wants to cheat on me there are plenty of ways to hide it. I just don’t know what to do. Part of me feels like I should be done with this and start my life over but even if I do that, how will I trust anyone again? It is the lies more than anyting else that break my heart. Can a marriage actually make it through something like this or are the fixes just temporary and he’ll cheat again? I can’t eat, I’m wandering around like in a dream, racked with anxiety, part wanting to cry or to scream. I’ve only told one girl friend because if we do get back together, I know most of my friends will think I’m a fool. I probably am. What do I do?
(UNITED STATES) I know what you’re going through, as my husband told me recently that when he was in Asia with a business partner one year ago he had the afternoon free so walked to the mall across the street to buy lunch and a woman came up behind him and grabbed his arm and asked him “are you alone” and “would you like company?” He looked at her and said “yes.” Instead of picking up lunch, he gets picked up by a prostitute. While making love he stops because he “came to his senses.” He tells the hooker to leave and he pays her $50.
We’ve been married 27 years; for me this is difficult as you think you know someone and THIS happens! We’ve started marriage counseling and going to church and speaking with our pastor, all on my husband’s insistence as he is beyond remorseful even though he was able to keep this unfaithfulness from me for almost a year. This was eating him up inside and his exterior appearance changed from loss in appetite to loss in concentration at work, night sweats and insomnia. He was overweight at the time and the stress from this caused him to lose 65 pounds. He has become a changed man both inside and out and understands what it means to have “BOUNDARIES IN A MARRIAGE”. This is a difficult road. God Bless you all!
(UNITED STATES) After reading these stories, my heart aches more than it did earlier today. My husband admitted to me today that he had sex with an escort. We’ve been married for 7 years and have two daughters. I’m 8 months pregnant with our third. I have no idea how to deal with this. I knew he had been looking at escort pages on his cell phone. We had talked about it, but I NEVER thought he would act on it. He’s one of those quite shy type of people. This was the last thing I ever suspected.
He called me at work today and I could immediately tell something was wrong. He asked me to come home, but would not tell me what was wrong. He was crying. My husband is NOT a crier! Anyway, I get home and I could barely get him to say what was going on. Then he tells me and I was so shocked, I didn’t know how to react. I just looked at him like I thought he made it up. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t even get upset at first, I just really didn’t believe him.
Now I don’t know what to do. We have 2 kids (10 & 4) and one due next month. How do I cope with this? I have no one to talk to, because I cannot tell my mom about this or any friends because I’m not only embarassed for him, but for myself. We have always had a great sex life and it just doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Now I feel more inadequate than I have since I was a teenager and alone because I cannot tell ANYONE about this. We attend church every Sunday and I feel like we both are good Christians, but I don’t know if I can emotionally survive something like this.
Vanessa, My heart cries with yours. How absolutely devastating! I can only imagine the scope of horror you feel inside. But one thing I can imagine is the confusion this news must bring. You say that you don’t know what to do… that is understandable. Who would know what to do? I guess the best advice I can give you is to reach out to those who have been where you are and have survived. If you go into the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic of this web site you will find articles and testimonies posted there that may help. Also, go into the “Links and Resource Description” part of it. THAT’S where I believe you can find the most help. There are a number of ministries listed, which could help you in one way or another.
Honestly, I sense that your husband is a good guy, as I pray for you both. But none-the-less, he has walked into temptation, which is WAY over his head in his being able to combat it on his own. That doesn’t excuse his actions –they’re wrong –no doubt!!! And he needs to realize that from this time on, he could fall again, because he has walked into an addiction-laden place of temptation. He may be a “quiet” person, but what he did was to quietly walk into places he shouldn’t have to satisfy the itch of curiosity, and he obviously got pulled in BIG time. His innocence is gone… your innocence is gone (because as his marital partner you got pulled in), and your children are next if something isn’t done to stop further damage from happening.
I encourage you to please look into the various ministries we link to. Find the one(s) that will best help you. If at first you don’t succeed, “try, try again.” Don’t cheap out on this one… be very prayerful and careful to work on this issue, or it WILL take your marriage down and it WILL cause more damage. If you think that any of these options would be expensive, you haven’t seen anything compared to what full-fledged addiction can bring, and compared to what divorce can bring. I’m sad for you that you got dragged into this. But I’m hopeful that because you reached out, you may eventually find peace again… not the same peace you had before, but peace that comes with being at the bottom and yet surviving. It’s a peace that will not take the memories away, but you will eventually not feel the same sting from it and you will be wiser because you did what you needed to do. It’s God’s peace that He gives when He redeems the shattered dreams we give to Him.
I’ve heard some couples say that their marriages, once they do the tough part of rebuilding, are better and healthier than ever before. I don’t know if that will be true for you… a lot of it depends upon the choices your husband makes and you make, concerning this matter. But I sure hope so. And I pray so… I pray that God helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will someday bring a smile to your heart. I pray for you Vanessa… for you and your husband and your precious family. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
(UNITED STATES) Thank you Cindy for your sweet encouraging comments. The last few days have probably been the hardest thing I have ever gone through my entire life. New details keep coming out, but as I suspected this didn’t just start with a huge leap into this. Over the course of the last year, he had contacted about 4 escorts, but nothing had happened with them. He would meet up and panic and leave. This made me feel somewhat better, especially since I was reading so many stories of women whose husband panicked and left. I thought mine must be the worst since he didn’t panic this time. Little did I know that he had in the past, but this was the time he didn’t.
He really wants to work on this and get this under control and he is well aware that it’s a long hard road ahead for both of us. He worries that God won’t forgive him. I told him that God’s forgiveness would be a lot easier to get than mine or his own forgiveness of himself.
I just feel completely numb today…it’s been the longest week ever. Do you know of anywhere I can find a Christian therapist we could see? I really don’t want to just see a regular therapist because I feel like I need someone who understands the Bible and how deep our roots go into our religion.
My heart breaks for you Vanessa. My mind can hardly comprehend all that must be going on in your heart and mind. I hope your husband realizes all the grace you are giving him –WAY beyond what most spouses would give. You both will have quite the testimony of being over-comers eventually –especially you.
As for seeing a therapist, I agree that this may be good for you both. But make sure you go to one that is “Marriage-friendly.” You can read about this in the “Marriage Counseling” topic. Also, in that topic, you will find links to web sites that can refer you to counselors. Just make sure you “shop” for the right one. You may also look in the links part of the “Surviving Infidelity” and even the “Pornography and Cybersex” topic. Some of those ministries (that deal with infidelity issues all the time) may know of a marriage-friendly counselor who deals with infidelity issues. The ministry of Focus on the Family has lists of counselors they refer people to, so they may be good to ask. If you can have more than one counselor referred to you, you can then ask a lot of questions so you can pick the one who will work best for you. I hope you can. I pray God will lead you to the right one –someone who can help you work through the various stages of grief, anger, working out the issues that lead to this, and helping you both to figure out how to best protect your marriage from having this happen again –not only for your sakes, but for your children’s, as well. My prayers are with you.
I just found out that my husband of 4 years has been cheating on me with multiple prostitutes, for at least a year (although I believe it has been going on longer than that). I’m so thankful to know that I’m not alone. I dread having to tell anyone about what has happened, and I’m not the one who cheated. I’m really afraid that I might have an STD of some kind. I don’t really know what I will do if that happens. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. By far, it will be the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I almost wish that my husband had cheated on me with someone that he knew. The whole prostitute thing makes me think that he is a sex addict and that reconciling will be impossible. The thing that absolutely kills me is that I never would have suspected anything, but my husband is a compulsive gambler. I thought he was “just” gambling. I never in a million years thought he would betray me like this.
He called me “angry and unforgiving” two days ago. That was probably more hurtful than anything. He still hasn’t given me the whole story, but he expects me to be calm, cool, collected, and forgiving. I told him that was too much to ask. I will forgive him eventually. I would never want that un-forgiveness to affect my relationship with God. But trusting him again? I don’t know if that will ever happen. I pray that my heart will stop hurting so that I can function like a normal human being again soon :(
Anonymous, My heart cries with yours. How I pray that God comforts you and helps you to approach all of this the way that Jesus would have you –crying out to Him as your Savior and Lord. Grace is given freely, but it is not cheap –a very heavy price has been paid for it. Your husband needs to come to that realization. Eventually when you are able to forgive him, the biggest blessing will be to you because of the freedom it will give you. But your husband will still need to face God in all of this. That is a HUGE deal.
I hope with my whole heart that he opens his eyes to the depravity of what he has done, falls on his face before his God, asking for His forgiveness and for His help to turn away from the filth he has bathed himself in and subjected you to, in all it’s ugliness. I also hope that he then goes to you and asks whole-heartedly for your forgiveness for the ways in which he has hurt you and has damaged the covenant of your marriage. I pray the Lord opens his eyes to all that he MUST do in order to be free from this prison of temptation and poisonous sin. I pray you find healing for your heart and for your body –that you will experience God’s healing care and the tenderness of His love.
I’m so sorry, how are you today? This is all new to me too. My husband is doing the same. Are you still with him, did you get help? Please let me know, I need to know what to do.
Please help me. My husband and I are Christians for 5 years now. On May 29 my husband confessed to me that he had just slept with a prostitute and had been doing this for years even before me. I was so devastated as you can imagine. We got our pastors involved and told them of infidelity in our marriage but never mentioned prostitutes. They have been very supportive, him and his wife, meeting with us, praying for us, and directed us to a Christian counselor who has been counseling us. He’s also battling alcohol as he was an alcoholic years back and his temptation for alcohol is back and
Just last night I felt the Lord tell me something was wrong. My counselor taught me that when I think of negative thoughts like this, to ask the Holy Spirit if it is from Him or the enemy, and clearly it was Him, the Holy Spirit, telling me something was wrong. He gave me all the questions to confront and evidence that my husband confessed to it that he was indeed with another prostitute last night. I’m numb, I can’t cry. Yes I love him, my kids, my family. What do I do? Please help me. I want to call my pastor and his wife to tell them the truth that not only was he meeting with woman on craigslist for affairs but that he sees prostitutes. I’m so embarrassed and angry. I am numb but devastated inside. What do I do? Please advise me. I’ve been cheated on for 14 years, when is enough, enough? Please help me.
Martha, I’m so very sorry that you are going through this with your husband. How absolutely heart-breaking –the levels of betrayal are through the roof! I’m so sad for you. … You ask for help. How I wish we could help you more than we can. All we can offer though is our prayers (you have that) and the advice written in this blog and other blogs and articles and Testimonies we have posted on this web site for you to read through and prayerfully glean through the advice.
I just now added an additional link to an article I found after reading your comment. I hope that and the other articles will help in some way. You have SO much to process through… I can’t even imagine how much! Plus, yes, I believe you should talk to your pastors about this, and a Christian counselor (one who is marriage-friendly & is competent to handle this type of complicated issue). Everything in the dark, which all of this was, needs to be exposed to the light in guarded ways. Don’t just tell everyone… that can complicate matters even more as you progress towards healing eventually. But you need to tell those who you can trust –those that won’t be judgmental and can add to the healing –not take away from it. How I pray for you Martha… I pray the Lord helps you and gives you wisdom and comfort, and wise counsel.
I have been married for five years. My husband and I have 2 kids and I am currently 7 months pregnant. Since we got married, I have been dealing with my husband’s drinking lifestyle. I don’t know if he can be considered as alcoholic but he always finds reasons to go out late after work to drink with friends. We constantly fight about this because he never informs me where he is and doesn’t come home until it’s 7 in the morning. He tells me that he was just drinking to relax after a stressful day at work.
I came to a point where I lost all respect for for him because instead of being a husband I could rely on, he wasn’t always around or he is too drunk or sleepy the next day. I became hurtful with my words when we fight. I just couldn’t accept that the man I married is not a responsible father. I couldn’t appreciate his successes at work because he was far from being responsible at home.
Then, earlier this year, I found out I was pregnant with our third baby. Like all of my pregnancies, I again felt I was alone and couldn’t count on him for emotional support. Worse, he became distant and cold. He was always mad at me. Then he told me that he was going through depression because of all the pressures he was going through. He also stopped any form of affection for me. I felt like my self-esteem was going down the drain. I felt so small and so unattractive. But I also learned to understand where he was coming from and thought that maybe, I was a big factor to his depression. We haven’t enjoyed our marriage since the start because of the kids and we’ve been struggling financially. I decided to give him all the understanding that he needs even when he was hurtful with his words and actions. I tried so hard to understand his temper. I minimized asking where he is and allowed him to have the time he wanted drinking with his friends.
Until yesterday when I discovered something that really bothered me. Forgive me for not disclosing it but that discovery led me to asking him where he went the night before. That’s when I found out that he went to a beerhouse with a friend. He said he didn’t do anything and just talked to the prostitute but I cannot believe it. I lost all hope in our marriage after finding out about it and I think I lost the love I feel for him. There was just so much pain he caused me, especially that I am pregnant. I really don’t know what to do. I hope you can give me some advice how I can move on. Is my marriage still worth it?
I found out last week that my husband of 3.5 years has been cheating on me with prostitutes. It has been going on for the last 6 months. He has been 22 times and seen 12 different women.
We are both Christians too and to say I am shocked is an understatement as I would never have thought it of him. He is currently staying with his parents but we are still seeing each other and trying to talk. I told him I was willing to work on us and not just throw everything away and he is seeing both our pastor and a secular counsellor, however I am getting no genuine emotion and remorse from him, he just says he feels numb.
There is no consideration of my feelings from him either. I feel like I am the only one trying and when I tell him that he says he is trying but whenever he tries to do something I criticize it. I am beginning to lose the hope that this can be fixed and that makes me feel even worse.
My husband has been paying for sex with prostitutes for several months. I confronted him and asked why. His answer was something snapped, how can this type of answer be dealt with?
Debbie, I’m so very sorry for the horrendous pain your husband has caused to you and your marriage. You ask how this type of situation or the answer he gave –that he just “snapped” can be dealt with. All I can say is to glean through the info given in the article and the link articles, praying for insight. You may be surprised at the answer you can find within, that God will guide you to when you seek and listen.
I’m not sure what else you can do, except perhaps work with a marriage-friendly counselor who is good at dealing with infidelity issues. You may be able to find one through the ministry of Focus on the Family (they have counselors on staff that can pray with you and possibly guide you to someone who can help you specifically with this issue). You can contact them by going to focusonthefamily.com. I hope this will help. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Dear sister in Christ, I am a saved indian Christian. I have been married for 8 years, have a son and a saved husband. But 9 months ago I found that my husband was having an affair with his staff (we’re running our own business). I was shattered but God gave me his grace to withstand that pain. Though he was so stubborn in not leaving that relationship, GOD made that lady to go out of the company herself.
But 2 days back, I came across some text messages in his phone in which he was sending his hotel address to prostitutes and waiting for them to come to his hotel (this happened when he was on vacation alone for a week just after the above mentioned lady left our company). I didn’t know what to do. But later decided to talk to him.
So I told him about what I saw. But as I expected he denied. I made it clear that I am ready to forgive but if he wants to continue this way it is better that we separate as I don’t want a husband who goes to prostitutes. Don’t know whether he is acting but he is talking normally to me now. But I am finding it very difficult to be normal as before. Please help me out sister. Sometimes I feel as if I am turning out to be a psychic.
Really need advice. Found out my husband has been cheating with prostitutes thru Web sites and phone history, in addition to predicted cash withdrawals. Maps (just found out that on gmail shows history of where you go with your phone.) I’ve been having dreams for years of him cheating, never saw it no matter how hard I looked. Then one day after taking too much of his erotic abuse I needed to ask for clarity. Of course he said I am crazy. I had been in a car wreck 5 years ago so memory not great. I started to write everything that I thought when I had suspicion. The biggest one was when. He gave me the silent treatment and was cold to me, was disrespectful of my feelings. Then the other times his simple was too big for a normal day. Then observe him dazzling with a glimpse of a smile. This made me think hmm. What’s he thinking. I ask nicely it’s always “nothing”.
I have so many what if’s. I’m looking for a support group, just so I can release my whys. I haven’t completely confronted him with the info. I don’t have photos or caught him in the act. What should you do??? I’m dying inside, it’s killing my health. Note: we have a 12 yr child, my husband is a good father, coach, cooks etc… just doesn’t treat me right. My son is picking up on it. Luckily my son has such strong values, but I see words out of his mouth like his dads.
I am just over whelmed with grief and confusion. My car accident has left me disabled. Beyond that I look better than I ever have. Lost weight from stress. Look great outside, feel horrible and ugly inside. I pray daily. I grew up as a Christian. Pray and read with my son. My father is a vole entered minister for last 25 years. He just retired. I don’t want to add stress to their lives, too embarrassed to discuss with the close friends I have. One friend, I think, has eyes for my husband. Just need help. (No, we don’t attend church on a regular basis.) I know I need to be consistent. I don’t have a support group of any kind. Dont want to involve friends. Please help. It’s just hard to breathe and face each day. All I keep thinking is GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME, just not sure what the message is or plan.
I don’t hate God. I hate my husband. Can i do this? Can I feel this way?