“As I conduct stepfamily seminars around the country, there are two consistent questions I hear from single-parents. They concern going in the right direction towards remarriage. They are:
1. ‘Should I remarry?’
2. ‘When we get married, how do we help our kids and family to succeed?’
“I never tell couples whether they should remarry. But I do admonish them to step away from their remarriage fantasies. They need to consider the realities of stepfamily life.
“In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living. Then you will be able to make an informed choice about remarriage.”
Help in Making that Step in the Right Direction
The above statement was made by Ron Deal who is there founder and president of As For Me And My House Ministries, which provides marriage and family training across the country and family education consultation to church and community leaders. Ron also joined the staff of FamilyLife as Director of Blended Family Ministries. He’s a great expert that knows firsthand the ins and outs of remarriage.
Here’s another piece of advice that Ron offers on this issue that is good to note:
“Make sure you’re not still haunted by the ghost of marriage past. Emotional and spiritual healing from divorce or the death of a spouse takes time; in fact, the average person requires three to five years before they can be discerning about a new relationship. Don’t let the rebound-bug bite you where it hurts. After his wife died of cancer Gary found himself lonely and feeling inadequate to care for his daughter. ‘I guess I needed a partner and I wanted a mother for my child,’ he said. This emptiness lead him to rush into a new marriage. It’s one that ended after just one year. Remember, time is your best friend so slow down the dating process.”
To read the rest of what Ron has to say, click on the Family Life Today web site link provided below:
• Is Remarriage A Step in the Right Direction?
Filed under: Remarriage
(KENYA) I am 100% sure that God hates divorce. Since MMI is a God-fearing organization, we expect to be told to flee from temptations to divorce at all costs. In the event that one divorces his/her spouse, the word of God is as clear as crystal on this matter, ‘Let him/her remain unmarried’. The question of re-marriage is only (as commanded by Jehovah God), applicable when a person loses a spouse through death! Otherwise, it is called ‘Fornication and adultery’. No shortcuts, no misinterpretations. Husbands MUST love their wives as Christ loved the church. A question, ‘When did Christ ever divorce His church because of barrenness, idolatry, etc. He loved her unconditionally. Love your wives unconditionally!!!
(USA) If Christ’s love is truly unconditonal (not requiring repentance by the offending party) then you’re right- we should love unconditionally. The problem I have is that Christ will send the unrepentant to hell…he requires us to repent in order to be saved. You no remarriage guys always place the burden of repentance on the innocent party by saying they should love unconditionally. Christ never loves unconditonally….he requires us to repent in order to be with him. So why do you burden the innocent with the unrepentant who will not come back?
(NIGERIA) I don’t believe in divorce and remarriage. If you’re married stay with your spouse until death separates you, then you can decide whether to marry again or not. Any true believer who marries again after divorcing his spouse is committing adultery. If you’re are separated from your spouse, remain single while he/she still lives because if you marry you’re committing adultery because it is only death that can create that chance of remarrying again. ONCE MARRIED YOU ARE MARRIED; UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART.
(USA) Except that “pesky” scripture that indicates this isn’t always so. Two facts.
1. Only about 1/2 of those who are divorced CHOOSE the divorce. The other half had the divorce forced on them by the spouse who filed, wanted the divorce, etc.
2. Checking out 1 Corinthians 7:14-15, “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” The spouse who is left by the one choosing to divorce is not bound.
Someone who chooses to divorce you, especially when you have been faithful to them is acting in the role of the unbeliever. In fact, if you combine this with the scriptures in Matthew 18, which relates to how we are to treat someone who is sinning, and I believe we agree that the spouse choosing to divorce the faithful spouse is sinning, if they don’t drop their divorce and seek to reconcile would fall under the process spelled out in Matthew 18 regarding a sinning believer. If after being approached in several fashions by other believers, they do not end their sinful behavior, we are to treat them as if they were an unbeliever. I believe scripture bears this out in the example that Jesus lived. The betrayed or abandoned spouse is not forever bound to the unbelieving spouse.
I do believe that the one who choses to divorce her faithful husband is to never marry again. But the faithful husband (or wife) who is abandoned by the spouse acting as an unbeliever is never bound forever to the one who abandoned them.
This is inconsistent with God’s design for marriage. We the church are the Bride of Christ. Christ would never abandon us. So to say that we on earth are forever bound to someone who abandons us flies in the face of scripture. Both the literal words as well as the overall pattern of God’s word.
Thank you for saying that. I have been feeling so “bound” but my husband did leave me and there was adultery. I did not break the covenant, but the covenant was broken against me.
Tony: “that your husband was biblically free to re-marry,” says you but not the Bible.
The Bible says the believer is not bound, as in bound in marriage. If they are not bound in marriage, they’re free, including free to re-marry. As much as the marriage is forever at all costs crowd tries to ignore that passage in scripture, it’s there, and means the believer abandoned by the unbeliever, which would include any spouse who is acting as if her choice to divorce is ok (Matthew 18: treat the unrepentant member as an unbeliever).
(USA) Amen! You are absolutely right!!! God’s Word says it all!!
(USA) I Corinthians 7 also provides for adultery as a reason for divorce and if an unbeliever leaves – it says the believing spouse is not under bondage. The way I read that chapter is that there are actually 3 reasons condoned for divorce. In those 3 instances, I believe the scriptures are saying remarriage (for one of those 3 reasons) is not considered adultery. Remarriage under all other instances is. God does still hate divorce, however, and reconciliation should always be attempted, regardless of marital problems.
Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church but I believe in such a horrible culture and world influenced by Satan, SOOO many husbands just don’t know how to do that (and don’t want to learn how, for some reason). They don’t have Godly role models. I had a dad, despite all his flaws, that ALWAYS sought to meet my mother’s needs and tried to care for her the best he could – he cherished her.
I married a man, unbeknownst to me, whose father abused his wife and family and so I ended up in an abusive marriage myself. My husband does not know how to love me in a Christ like way and I don’t know that he ever will. I might be one of those permanently separated wives. Who knows – I do know that I’d have the freedom to let Christ guide me and let Christ love me and to be able to worship Christ by not living in an abusive marriage. I’d rather live singly the rest of my life, not being abused by my spouse and be able to live my faith in freedom than to live in a marriage that stifles my ability to breathe because it’s such a distorted representation of Christ’s marriage to the church.
God bless, LT
(NIGERIA) My sister, your parents having their own problems in their marriage shouldn’t be the reason you should have the same problem, even though you came from such a family background. God can still make your marriage to be what you want it to be if only you will sincerely invite God to full take control of that marriage.
Coming to your quotation on 1 Corinthians 7:10-15 you will discover that God’s will for married people is not to separate. In verse 15b and verse 16, PAUL the apostle says I quote, “BUT GOD HAS CALLED US TO PEACE and VERSE 16 says,”FOR HOW DO YOU KNOW, O WIFE, WHETHER YOU WILL SAVE YOUR HUSBAND? OR HOW DO YOU KNOW, O HUSBAND WHETHER YOU WILL SAVE YOUR WIFE?” THEREFORE, I say that God’s will for married couples is to stay and live in peace. GOD bless you, amen.
(USA) Rev Richard, No doubt, God hates divorce. Yet He seldom stops it when one spouse wants out.
I see you are missing 1/2 the picture. You appear to assume that everyone who is divorced CHOOSES to be divorced. If you assume this, you are wrong 50% of the time. In most cases, one spouse doesn’t want to be divorced, the other does.
So I agree with you, the spouse who doesn’t have biblical grounds, such as sexual infidelity of the abandoned spouse SHOULD remain unmarried. However, this doesn’t apply to the abandoned or the betrayed spouse.
There are certainly no mis-interpretations. When a spouse is abandoned, even if the abandoned spouse is a believer, he/she is no longer in a marital bond if that spouse seeks divorce. 1 Corinthians 7 tells us to let the believer go, we are no longer bound to them. Which clearly means the bond is broken. God ALLOWS the bond to be broken.
The spouse who leaves is acting as an unbeliever and is to be treated as an unbeliever based on Matthew 18. (If any church actually has the intestinal fortitude to lovingly confront an unfaithful member who abandons his/her also believing spouse. Most churches refuse to do their part in the Matthew 18 process when proof of an unfaithful spouse is presented to the pastor.)
Finally, let’s be clear, 2/3rds of all divorces in the US are filed by women. So perhaps instead of preaching to men about loving their wives and not divorcing them, we need to spend as much, if not more time on preaching to women that they are not to leave or betray their husbands.
Most divorces sought are NOT based on adultery or abuse. Yet we wrongfully keep spreading Satan’s lie that men are wrong, they are abusive, etc. Most men are not like this. The numbers I’ve seen indicate that fewer than 10% of all divorce cases involve women leaving such men. Which means 90% give or take of all abandoned or betrayed husbands are FAITHFUL and not abusive.
So Rev Richard, I respectfully request that you examine things more carefully. Chances are, any divorced American man you meet was faithful and abandoned if not also betrayed by his wife.
I don’t know how it is in Kenya. But here, men don’t seek divorce even 1/2 as often as women do. And most of those women do not have anything that remotely represents biblical grounds for divorce.
This is not intended to be anti-women. It’s not. But I cannot sit here and allow the lie to continue that men are less faithful, more likely to break up a family compared to women. It is simply not true.
I’m not saying men are BETTER than women, they are not. Morally, men and women are both sinners, and both need salvation.
We’ve been sold the lie for too long that the problems with the world are due to the mis-behavior of men, while the same behaviors of women go excused.
If it’s time for anything, it’s time for the people of God to reject such excuses, to think critically about what is being said, and to compare it to the Word of God.
In the garden, both man and woman sinned. Both man and woman were kicked out of the garden, and both man and woman needed salvation.
So it’s time to crush the stereotypes:
Divorced people chose to get a divorce. Half of them didn’t choose divorce, but had it forced upon them, while never getting relief from God when praying for the divorce to be rejected, dropped etc.
Men are divorcing their wives. Some do, but anywhere from 2/3rds to 3/4s of all divorces in the US are initiated by the wife. So any admonition for husbands to love their wives needs to be shared 2x or 3x as much with women, as it seems they are the ones choosing divorce in the majority of cases, and seldom because their husband was unfaithful or abusive. There are some unfortunate cases where the husband is abusive or unfaithful, but this is a small minority of cases.
The divorced are not allowed to remarry. Wrong, the betrayed spouse, whose attempts to reconcile the marriage were rejected by the unfaithful spouse are no longer bound to a spouse who no longer wants them, and are free to marry. Likewise, if a believer is abandoned by an unbeliever, he/she is no longer bound in marriage.
This is also why it’s critical for a church to carry out the process in Matthew 18. Such a determination should NOT be made by the hurting spouse. It is the job of the church to attempt to win the sinning member back into the body. Many see the process in Matthew 18 as punishment. It’s not. It’s designed to win the member back to the fellowship of believers. It has an additional benefit.
If the offending member doesn’t comply with the church, the injured party is granted some sort of relief. While the process is not only for divorce, I personally believe it critical in such cases where the marriage of two believers is under attack due to abuse or adultery. The church is obligated to act in such cases, with the primary goal of reconciling all parties to Christ. If the sinning party refuses, then there needs to be official determination that the sinner is in rebellion, and if that party chooses divorce, the betrayed and now abandoned spouse is no longer bound based on Matthew 18 (treating the unrepentant sinners as an unbeliever as well as 1 Corinthians 7 where the departing unbeliever is no longer bound to the abandoned believing spouse.)
Rev Richard, if your church is not doing it’s part based on Matthew 18, then instead of sitting in judgment of others (and quite wrongly for close to 1/2 of all divorced people) why not examine how your church is going to address such situations in your body of believers. Are you doing your part in accordance with Matthew 18?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I consider this as a very sensitive issue, not because I’ve experienced it, but because it’s is complex by nature.
I was traditionally married for at least 7 years. I loved my husband and will always. The Bible says wives should submit to their husbands and husbands should love their wives. As a mother as well, a very good example is a mother and child relationship where mothers love their wives and young children submit to their mothers. If such was exhibited in marriage, we would definitely have far less divorce cases.
From my experience, if a husband loves his wife, submission is at least 90 percent automatic. Yes it’s true the majority of divorces are initiated by wives… one of the reasons is that husbands somehow find it easier and practical to live in an unhappy marriage while doing nothing about it. As for women, it is almost impossible to do this. Even among believing spouses, socially, a husband can live with it even going as far as sinning by getting a 2nd wife or having extramarital relationships at the same time. This behaviour is very difficult for women.
Whilst married I knew we had problems within the first 2 years of marriage. Although my husband had difficulties accepting we had problems, I tried to persuade him we needed help. With reluctance, we sought help from relatives, brothers and sisters in Christ but it didn’t work. I decided on divorce through the traditional and civil way but still it did not work. Though we lived out our separation under the same roof, I asked my husband for physical separation where we could live in separate houses but he still refused until I gave up and left it with God.
After struggling for over 7 years, my husband one day just told me we though we had lived together, we were divorced years before, and I was free to leave him… What was I supposed to do? Submit to him? I considered it a prayer answered and obliged. 2 years down the line, I still believed he would consider reconciling, but to this he has made no attempts… I am in my early thirties and still desire to be a wife… These are the realities of Divorce and remarriage.
God’s word on marriage and divorce in Matthew and 1 Corinthians are complex in application and need those facing such challenges, as well as Christians, to seek God’s intervention to understand and apply.
(NIGERIA) GOD IS GOING TO VANDICATE YOU ONE DAY. KEEP ON TRUSTING HIM IN PRAYER AND FASTING.
(USA) Tony, With all due respect, you are following the way of the unbelieving world. How else can you explain the higher divorce rate among Christians? God has already stated that a husband is bound to his wife as long as he lives and a wife is bound to her husband as long as she lives. You are taking liberties with the Word Of God and stretching it into more than it says. You are following the large number of Christians that hold to this false preaching because it pleases the flesh. There simply are no exception clauses if you research this.
If the unbeliever leaves you may let them leave… but it does not say you can remarry. As a matter of fact it tells you to remain single or else be reconciled. The scripture that God has called us to peace is NOT permission to remarry. And "not bound" does NOT mean God has ended the covenant.
How many do-over marriages do we get then? Will God just keep stamping His blessing on however many marriage vows of lifelong commitment we decide to say to others? NO. We choose our mates and say the vows and God holds us to them. If you don’t choose wisely, it’s not God’s fault. And even if you do, you will still have trials… because every marriage has them. Funny how we are to forgive everyone except our spouses when they wrong us — hypocritical, at the least.
Whoever divorces his wife except it be for fornication and marries another commits adultery. Whoever marries she who is divorced, commits adultery.
Fornication in this scripture is not referring to adultery. It is referring to fornication being found out during the betrothal period of the Jewish culture at the time. Read the story of Mary and Joseph again and how Joseph was going to divorce Mary (even though they were only betrothed at the time, the wedding had not yet taken place). He thought since she was with child that she had fornicated and he was going to silently put her away until God spoke to him. This was the custom at the time for the Jewish people. Adultery was punishable by death (not divorce) if the couple was already married at the time.
Here is more information regarding divorce and remarriage. http://www.marriagedivorce.com. Please take time to read this. We must stop the bleeding that divorce is causing. Be blessed.
Actually, I have read it, in Latin even: 15. Quod si infidelis discedit, discedat: non enim subiectus est servituti frater ant soror in talibus, in pace autem vocavit nos Deus.
But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart: the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases is subject to, but God hath called us in peace. The believer is not bound to the unbeliever. English or Latin, the scripture says the same.
(SWAZILAND) It is sad to read so many comments about divorce from people who clearly have not gone through the experience. We all know what the Bible says about divorce but for some of us who have gone through the experience it is not as simple as ABCD. I got married to an unbeliever (I was also one at the time). When I gave my life to the Lord completely, I knew I couldn’t divorce him as the Bible says that "if the unbeliever is prepared to stay then don’t divorce him…" He wanted out and I literally begged him to stay but his mind was made up.
We had just had a beautiful baby girl (3 months old) at the time. He left and five years later he has married someone else. What am I to do? Wait for him to divorce his new wife and reconcile? For some of us, this thing is a reality and not a theory. I have asked God for a prince from his own kingdom and I believe there is a good husband for me out there.
(AUSTRALIA) How I hear your complaint! My husband and I married under the agreement of following the Lord. But after many years of strife, we separated, reconciled, separated again; then he divorced me. It’s messy, hard stuff!
But God! I am currently studying, seeking, praying, from the peace of God, as to the truth on this. But my heart can’t help but believe that the church has got it mighty wrong. It is quite clear… NO remarriage to any spouse but your first spouse and also if they were already married (but legally divorced) they’re not even ours to start with… The other thing is that on such an important issue, God doesnt have different opinions according to each situation. This is man’s way, not Gods… changing the truth to accomodate the situation at hand. And yes it’s harsh reality, but there’s many variances of harsh realities the world over… If we just cling to Christ, we will have PERFECT peace. This is a good deal! Also please check out rejoicemarriageministries.org. Great place to start!
(USA) Michele, I have researched, in great detail. I can explain the high divorce rate; it’s sin. It is tares amongst the wheat. Not difficult to explain. But remember, only 1/2 of those divorced CHOSE to divorce. It appears you want to hold those who DIDN’T chose to divorce responsible for the sinful choices of others.
I respectfully disagree, there are exceptions. If the unbeliever leaves, we are to let them go. The believer is not bound in such circumstances. By saying the believer is not bound, that means the believer is no longer one with the unbeliever who abandons the believer. Only God can break up that bond, and God says clearly in His Word that the believer is not bound, so He said, it, I believe it; that settles it.
You can try to paint any way you want, trying to say the believer is still bound. But it doesn’t square with the Word of God. Not bound certainly does mean the covenant is no more. Scripture is full of examples of new covenants. So it goes against scripture for you to pick this one example and say ONLY the original covenant is valid. People cannot break the covenant, I agree with that. However, God, by His Word says when the covenant is broken.
How many do over marriages? Who says they are do over’s? Only you are saying this, because it appears to support your position. Why not ask those who are abandoning their spouses, instead of asking men like me who tried to preserve his marriage, without help from God or His church? As I’ve said before, the one abandoned can’t be guilty of the sin of choosing divorce.
I agree, we say the vows, and live them. What we have no control over is what the other person does. So if a man’s wife runs off, has an affair, refuses to return to the Church or him, or to come under church discipline, then I think it’s clear she is to be treated as an unbeliever, which includes God’s provision for him no longer being bound to her. He IS FREE to remarry because God in His Word, separates them.
I agree with you about folks expecting marriage to be without trials, and being disappointed. No argument from me about that. However, I disagree that one is still married when your spouse leaves and chooses divorce, chooses to sleep with another man, etc. It is clear, scripture says the believer is NOT BOUND.
Until the divorce is final, he should be willing to forgive and reconcile. However, scripture is clear that we are to let the unbeliever go, and are not bound. It would be a sin to remain bound, to actively seek reconciliation once the unbeliever has gone.
It may come as as shock to you, but most men who are divorce DIDN’T divorce their wives. Instead, two thirds of them were divorced by their wives. Women choose divorce twice as often as do men in America.
So to me, it seems your time might be better spent on addressing all those women who are choosing divorce. This is a number twice if not three times the number of men choosing divorce.
You can then mention to them all the non-sequitur stuff you wrote about adultery and fornication. It really has no bearing on the abandoned spouse, and frankly, it’s rather insulting to lecture abandoned spouses on choosing divorce. It shows a lack of sensitivity and understanding of the problem.
Frankly, it shows a lack of love. Why would you even lecture me on that when it’s patently clear that I didn’t choose to be divorced?
I agree, stop the bleeding. The first step is to stop stabbing the victims. Most divorced men are VICTIMS of divorce. Odds are 2:1 that they didn’t choose the divorce they received and their church either treated them as the party at fault, or did nothing when they tried to save their marriage. Then, they are treated as if they abandoned their children.
Finally, some well meaning souls like yourself presume to lecture the victims on their alleged sins, as if they chose the divorce they didn’t want, and are guilty of this choice.
We can disagree with what scripture says and still worship God. However, I would be remiss if I failed to point out how unloving and how out of touch your post was with the reality of divorce in the church today.
One last bit of unsolicited advice, don’t presume that just because someone disagrees with you that they are ignorant, or they haven’t done their research, their homework, or having spent time in prayer, fasting and meditation over the topic. It’s insulting and will not win converts to your way of thinking.
Every one needs to be careful; we are warned about being judgmental. If we judge others we will be judged. It is not a subject that is to be dissected and used to point the finger at those who are in this position. The first thing to remember is that we are people, we are not perfect and we are living in a difficult world. Some are hard and fast on this issue, my point here is that Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery, he did not stone her. Do not judge (stone) those who are divorced, it is the sin of divorce not the people who divorce. Men are abandoned too, and some women have to divorce because the one who abandons her will not lift a finger to sort the divorce out.
We’re told to love the person but hate the sin! God wouldn’t have us in a situation which is clearly bringing about more death than life. It isn’t his way for a marriage and family. While we’re on earth it will not be all as God wants, so try to be gentle with those who are suffering such things. God talks about peace, it does no good to anyone to be stuck for the rest of their lives in a miserable and damaging situation.
After reading these posts, it’s clear that there are many of us – male and female – on whom divorce was forced. After 25 years, 17 moves for his work, 5 children who he desperately wanted, and my career sacrificed on the altar of family and marriage, my husband returned from a 6 month overseas assignment and filed for divorce. I didn’t recognize the man standing before me. When I looked into his eyes there was no trace of my husband, only a man who resembled him.
God tells us that he will complete the work he begins in us but we do play a part in becoming more like Jesus. If we drift from Him, we become less like him and more like our sinful selves. I had followed and supported husband in his dreams and goals and remained faithful living with little stability and security. I’ve only lived in this state two years and know very few people, which often leads to an incredible feeling of isolation. Through these painful two months, God has been faithful to my children and me and our faith has grown. We’re learning to forgive the man who we trusted more than anyone but who sat in the living room chair and said he just wanted to be alone. He’s now working and living on the other side of the globe.
My commitment to my husband stemmed from my love for my God. After wrestling with the gut-wrenching reality of divorce and the impact it would have on our kids, the Lord has brought me to a place of peace and acceptance. Although I’ve been unemployed for 7 months, God shows me that His mercies are new every morning and through much morning prayer, he gives me the strength to cry, then rise and look for work, take care of my children’s emotional needs, and know that He still has a future and a hope for me. I have not lost sight that I’m still a sinner in need of a savior and I know I was not without my faults in our marriage, which keeps me from becoming bitter or feeling victimized.
I pray for all of us who are on this involuntary roller-coaster ride… we are not alone.
Beautifully written Linda, and yet with so much pain behind each word (understandably). My heart goes out to you and your kids. I pity your husband who is now living a clueless life. He misses out BIG time on so many blessings. I pray the Lord continues to reveal His love and care for you and your family. Despite the evil that the enemy of our faith intends for you and your family, and despite the selfism that your husband is caught up into right now, I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you. I pray you will find a job that will support your family well and that you will continually sense God is pleased with you as you reach to forgive and reach for your Bridegroom Jesus, to walk with you on this very challenging road.
I have no doubt that eventually, as your children come to understand how you are doing your best for them, that they will one day rise up and call you blessed. (It may or may not be right away because kids go through selfish times too… but eventually they will see it, at the very least.) I also believe you will hear the words from our Lord, “well done, good and faithful servant.” He can recognize perseverance when He sees it being lived out… you don’t have to wait for that. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
(USA) Thelma, When you responded to people commenting on divorce who clearly had NOT gone through it, you were making quite a large assumption. In my case, you would be dead wrong.
I am in the same situation that you are. My husband left after 17 years of marriage to pursue another woman, and then moved in with her. He divorced me against my will and married her just a few months afterward. I tried everything under my power to save my marriage. When we married we were very equally yoked. We believed in God and called ourselves Christians, but I now know that we were only "Christians by name". We didn’t attend church or read the Bible, or look to the Bible for guidance, but only turned to God when someone was ill or in trouble. I can see the difference now between my Christianity then, and my true Christianity now.
Now that I know what the Lord says about divorce and re-marriage I cannot go against his teaching. Neither can I bend, twist or add anything to His Word and make it say what I want it to say to please my flesh. He makes Himself clear if only people would stop twisting and adding words and meanings that just are not there. He states marriage is for life. One partner, One Flesh Union. Only death separates One Flesh… not other marriages.
Your husband’s marriage is nothing more than legalized adultery in God’s eyes. My husband’s marriage is nothing more than legalized adultery. I trust that God will make all wrongs to be right, in His timing.
God’s priority is NOT our happiness, contrary to popular (yet deceived) belief. His first priority is our holiness. He wants us to be with Him. The happiness will be added when we follow His ways in our lives. This of course doesn’t mean we won’t suffer trials, but if He is with us, we will overcome them.
I am not judging anyone. But I will NOT compromise the Word of God to please those who have gone the way of the world when it comes to this issue. When the way of unbelievers and believers are one and the same you can bet that satan has a hand in it. In fact, as I stated in my previous post that Christians are out numbering unbelievers in this area of divorce and remarriage. Even pastors are compromising the Biblical teachings on this matter and divorcing and remarrying at the drop of a hat. When it comes to things of the flesh, the flesh wins out unless you hold tight to God and His way.
The church and pastors need to start teaching the entire gospel and stop excluding scripture regarding this matter of divorce and remarriage to appease those who have gone in that direction. There is hope and forgiveness for them. But it requires repentance just like any other sin. There has to be a change of heart not to continue in that sin and a change of direction. This sin is no different. If it was, it would be the only sin in which you can repent of and remain in at the same time.
I know a lot won’t agree with me, but that’s okay. I boldly proclaim what Jesus says about divorce and remarriage and refuse to say He doesn’t mean it, or He doesn’t know what He’s talking about. NO excuses. He doesn’t give any.
I pray that your husband finds God. I stand by my marriage and the vows I said in front of God and witnesses. I walk by faith and not by sight. If our husbands chose differently, then they will answer to Him. Leave it in God’s hands Thelma. If you believe He can do miracles then HE will, for nothing is impossible with God.
Your prince you are waiting for could very likely be your own husband that God has molded into the man of your dreams. Be blessed.
(USA) Well, I have something to add or ask? I have been married for 14 years. She committed adultery. I left my home. I tried to reconcile during the 2 yrs when we were apart. She was an unbeliever. Now after 2yrs, she became a believer and now she wants to reconcile..? What can I do? I too would like to try again, but it seems strange.
(USA) Sam, I am very happy that your wife found God! My advice is to welcome her back and trust that God will help the both of you to heal. Your wife was a prodigal and now has found that things weren’t so great on the other side… just like the prodigal son. Yes, you can apply this situation with spouses also. It shows that the grass is NOT greener on the other side when we choose to give up our families and God. It takes time for them to learn this, but it almost always happens. Unfortunately, in the case of married couples, sometimes there’s nobody left to come home to because the other spouse has moved on because of the pain and hurt.
You have a second chance to make your marriage even better than before now that both of you are with The Lord! Praise God… prodigals do come home.
(N) SAM, I understand how you feel. If your wife has sincerely given her life to Christ and is born again and came back to you with remorseful heart for reconciliation please forgive her past and take her back because GOD has called us to peace. In Hebrews 12:14, “follow peace with all people and holiness without which no eyes shall see the Lord.” Happy reunion in Jesus’ name.
(CANADA) I thank God for the many useful materials at this site. In my humble opinion, I would stake it that, after the great, uncontested doctrine of salvation there isn’t anything else as cardinally critical and eternally determining as Marriage. This truth is very glaring when considering the hierarchy of satan’s infernal attacks on God’s greatest trophy –the human race! It was an attack on Marriage (the family)! Murder by Cain, drunkenness by Noah, polygamy by Lamech, homosexuality/lesbianism by the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, cruelty and wickedness by the antediluvians of Genesis 6, …etc all played out secondarily, by the same foe.
But the first and foremost dart cast by the prince of darkness was against Marriage, due to its divine position in God’s program! With all humility of Christ, respect and His compassion, I stand to attest that Mr Tony of USA’s views on the issue of divorce/remarriage is a scoop from the earthly vessels of men’s ideas and not scripturally inspired. The tone sounds experiential and narratives well aligned but it only would breed death and eternal regret if one should imbibe it.
After a very careful and unbiased look at Mr Tony’s narratives, I came to confirm what I have always known as the bane of compromise and worldliness in Christ’s universal Church -“it must be the right thing because multitudes are doing it.” The sad story of bending God’s word to suit human desires is not only limited to remarriage but it engulfs even Christian dressing. It has almost become an impossibility for pastors to preach that a Christian MUST not dress like the world, for fear of losing members.
That majority (as high as 2/3) of divorce cases are initiated by women, according to Mr Tony’s statistics, and as such the “innocent” men are free, does NOT alter a jot from God’s eternal Word severally repeated to the wise and heaven-minded “For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man” (Rom 7:2-3). “Whosoever putteth away his wife (no reason is given here for the putting away), and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery” (Luke 16: 18).
In no way do I discountenance or belittle the grave challenges, sorrow and heartache that divorce carries along. As a married man, I completely understand the impasse. Because, almost all cases of remarriage hinge upon an attempt to find a solution, what should we then do? The starting point is to know that God is more interested in our welfare and wellbeing than we can ever imagine (3 John 2). We are to turn to Him in all patience, reliance and heart-searching prayers. Let us rent our hearts and not our garments (finger-pointing).
Let each retrace his/her steps. What does God expect of a husband? Let the husbands obey! How is the wife to conduct herself as a saint based on scriptural principles (and NOT women liberation organizations’ doctrines)? Let the wives obey! If we rebuild the altar as Elijah did, I confess to you that the fire of God will fall upon your marital altar in the Name of the Lord!
Remember, our God is a miracle working God, even if the other spouse has departed already, our God has more than enough power to bring Jonah out of the fish’s belly. That miracle will begin unfolding upon you today, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against you. Just turn the broken pieces to Him. Can we do it today?
(USA) Really? Scooped from the vessels of man. Funny, I’m reading the Bible and following God’s guidance, so unless you are calling God a sinner, and God’s word something that encourages sin, I suggest you check your moral superiority at the door.
God is very clear throughout His word, that we are to follow Him. God doesn’t follow us around. He doesn’t chase us. Think about the parable of the prodigal. The father doesn’t chase the son back to the home. Instead, the father allows the son to decide. That is illustrative of how the relationship is. God has given, for better or for worse, humanity the free will to respond or ignore Him. The same is true in our relationships with our spouses. We cannot force a prodigal spouse to return. All one can do is to wait for them to return.
However, as it was said in Matthew 18, if one is acting as an unbeliever, we are to treat them as an unbeliever. If a spouse will not come under church discipline and they choose to divorce instead of honoring their vows, then we are not to force them to stay. This is consistent with both how God acts and what scripture has said. In 1 Corinthians 7, it is very clear, the unbelieving spouse, and I believe this includes those who would be called to be treated as an unbeliever based on the process described in Matthew 18, is to be allowed to leave if she (or he, but 2/3’s to 3/4’s of the time, it’s a she) wishes to leave.
It say in 1 Corinthians 7:15 “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” The believer is not bound. Not bound means they are free to marry. Not because man has broken the vows, but that God allows this because He knows the pain caused by a walk-away spouse.
It was God’s intent that we marry, scripture clearly says this. If it’s God’s intent for us to marry, and our spouse dies, we are allowed to marry. So if a spouse is abandoned, why wouldn’t the same apply? I believe this scripture indicates that this is the case.
It would be best if divorce never happened. I certainly agree with that. But don’t create a bunch of man-made rules to punish those who did not choose to divorce to justify your own stand. If God has called you to be single, then rejoice in what God has called you for. However, don’t sit in judgment over those God has NOT called to be single.
I agree with your interpretation, Tony. It’s called GRACE. It is called the LOVE of a Father for His own. We are not under law. If so, we might as well start stoning people now. Jesus didn’t do that. He set us free from the curse of the law. We are here to love one another. Like you, I am no longer bound. I am instructed to allow the one who left to be gone. My struggle is in receiving the grace.
During counseling during separation, I heard many condemning statements from the so-called Christian counselor, directed toward me, like, “Sometimes men stray due to not receiving enough love or affection from their wives.” I call that a line of bull. I waited, pleaded, prayed, begged, for my husband to return to me. I wish that I would have been more peaceful and trusted Jesus more during the separation, but the whole thing was brutal. I feel that my loving Father said, “Enough is enough.” I hated the divorce. I hate that it happened, just as God hates it. But it did. And I am not condemned to any prison of bondage because of it. I am free indeed, I believe, to marry a believer.
Now, there may not be a person out there that God has for me, or there may. All I know is, I look to Him, rather than seeking for a man, and if He does choose to restore my ex-husband to me, that is His business. If He brings someone else, that is His business. I thank Him that I know him well enough to know His great faithful, and non-condemning LOVE is the best for me –new husband or no. I don’t even care. I just want His will. But I do care about people trying to take away a grace message and but us back under law. I’m all for reconciliation, but not bound into judgment or singleness if it isn’t to be. My Father loves me. I am glad that you understand Him from a perspective of Love as well.
(CANADA) Michele, Just a little testimony here to encourage your heart. In one of the meetings that a certain true servant of God organized just some few years ago, a seeker approached him for counselling and prayer at the end of the meeting. Well at this point we can pre-suppose the seeker’s inquiry: “Please pastor pray for me”. On what area? Questioned the pastor. “Years back, the seeker continued, I was afflicted with a certain incurable blood disease. This made my wife to give up on our marriage and packed out. She said she couldn’t put up with such. I have been waiting all these years with no partner. Could you please pray that God will lead me to ANOTHER woman that I can marry!”
The servant of God lovingly, yet firmly, reasserted the position of God’s Word on remarriage to this man whose eyes were instantly opened to God’s injunction against remarriage. The man of God said I would rather pray for your healing right now. Go back to the hospital for re-examination and you will find out that the blood disease is all gone by the power of God. Get a “clearance certificate” from the medical professionals to your wife on what God can do.
I happened to be in the meeting where the above testimony was given. Praise the Lord, it happened! There was no trace of the deadly blood disease after the test. The man did as was instructed by the man of God. The wife was overwhelmed by what she saw and came back home to the husband! Praise the Name of the Lord! Our God is still doing it today if we decide not to take the world’s short cuts. Let us NOT forget that the latent player in the unfortunate game of divorce is satan. We must not look at just the physical alone but with the armour of God (readily available) let wage the war of faith against his divices. And we shall gain the victory!
I read your writeup with keen interest and thanks to God for people like you. Hold the fort for the Lord whom you honour and trust shall visit you where are. Indeed God’s priority is our holiness and life with him in Eternity and not just the temporal, transient happiness on earth.
To those who are caught up in this obviously difficult web of divorce, I admonish you to hope in God. His power will be revealed to you in no distant time if you decide today on God’s glory alone. Remember, eternity is an endless period and there is no marriage in eternity (Heaven or Hell)! May God keep you all in the place of His glory till the appearance of Christ. I will join you all in prayer to God and your husbands will return back home to you for “the Lord has need of them” (Luke 19: 29-35).
(USA) Godwin, your words were so uplifting and full of truth. I was the prodigal wife. We were both believers, but because of my own brokenness, I wanted the divorce. We had been married for over 8 years and God blessed us with so much, including two precious daughters. I had such a disturbed spirit for so long and thought it was the marriage, but I was so wrong. Years later after the divorce a repressed memory came back to me of sexual abuse that had happened before I even met my husband. That is what caused my soul so much grief, not my marriage. Well, I have been divorced for over 8 years now and am staying single based on what the bible says. My husband remarried about five years ago and has two children, not to mention another child from someone else. He chose the world after the pain of the divorce. I know with God all things are possible. My heart aches for Him to come back, not just to me but to God. My choice to leave all those years ago has had such a hurtful effect on so many lives, especially my children. Now I understand why God hates divorce.
(USA) Sorry, your former husband didn’t choose the world. He was free to marry after you abandoned him. He’s probably better off since you sit in judgment over him. You had your chance with him and you broke his heart. You left him. You describe yourself as the prodigal. So please, don’t sit here in judgment saying he’s chosen the world and you’ve chosen the biblical path. You chose a sinful course, and the consequences of your past choices where that your husband was biblically free to re-marry.
Why would you pray for him to come back? Do you want the pain you set in motion visited upon another family? Seems selfish to me. You know the pain, yet you want relief from it, transferring that pain to another.
Perhaps this pain is one of the consequences of your choice to divorce your husband. Instead of praying that he would come back to you, meaning that either his wife would die, bringing pain to him and his children, or that a divorce between him and his wife would occur, again bringing pain to someone, why not pray that they are blessed and that you are strong enough to endure the natural consequences of your actions?
I’m sorry, but your prayers for him to return sound very selfish. I hear only about your pain. I don’t hear where you acknowledge the pain you’ve caused your children, your former husband and others around you.
My heart aches for those you would hurt, should you get your way. My heart aches for your former husband whom you now sit in judgment over, while you claim some moral superiority.
The entire Bible is based on marriage. The Bible says God hates divorce and if you Tony, are a Christian you would understand that there are no contradictions in God’s word. We cannot take one piece of scripture and say it’s grounds for divorce. Then that would mean the whole book of Hosea would be null and void. She is not wrong for praying for her husband to return because in God’s holy eyes that marriage is not recognized anyway. He is living in adultery with another woman and if he doesn’t repent he will perish. Now the scripture I see people taking out of context is Matthew 19:9 and 1 Corinthians 7:15; 1 Corinthians 7:15 KJV.
But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. There is nothing in here in this scripture saying to remarry. Read the whole chapter in its context. If you claim that you have the Holy Spirit then search the scriptures and truth and not your own understanding or the understanding of these theologians. When have man’s word ever been higher than God’s pure holy word? Search the scriptures in its context Tony. Repent and turn to Jesus to find out the whole truth.
(USA) I honestly do not understand your way of thinking or anyone else who would think that way. With all due respect, my husband was previously married for 2 years. In those 2 years she had an affair and a child, which was not his. While he was willing to forgive her, she left him for the other man. He waited 7 years (trying to restore his marriage) and then met and married me. We have been married 21 years and have three sons.
Your way of thinking, that the possibility of his EX-wife is somewhere out there praying that God would break our marriage to restore hers. I thank God for my husband, for the many blessing he has given my family. I praise God daily for him. I would do anything to keep his love and thank God the day he joined us.
(USA) Kristen, What a walking testimony you are to your children! What a blessing for them to see the effects of sin and then for their mom to turn around and then do things God’s Way even though in the temporal it doesn’t appear “fun.” Your husband is blessed to have a wife who is remaining faithful to him, though he has chosen a path that is opposed to the Lord’s Will. Keep praying, loving him from a distance… your prayers are being heard.
If you are interested, there is a wonderful fellowship on this website– SOH (spirit of Hosea). We are made up of “standers”, first time marrieds, people who have forsaken adulterous marriages, and even single people–from all different denominations. It is a great place for support and encouragement. http://www.cadz.net/mdr.html
(USA) It’s awesome how the people at the cadz.net live and breathe to find anyone on the internet who spells remarriage or divorce on a webpage. One fella they endorse even links the lack of head coverings in churchs to the high divorce rate in the churches. This is their “kjv only”, their “method of baptism” and their “no instrumental music in church”. They put heavy burdens on people and don’t lift a finger to help anyone. WATCH OUT FOR THE YEAST OF THESE PHARISEES!
Amen!
(ST. VINCENT) I have been separated from September 2008 to August 2010. My problem is, I don’t know who is faulted, I recalled leaving my wife because she was entertaining a relationship with another man and before that, I was sleeping in another bedroom prior to that. My reason for sleeping in another bedroom because problems were surfacing early in 2008. I think I started being not too concerned about my marriage when I went to study in Trinidad in 2003 and I found out that my wife, as she said, “was having a good friend to talk to.” This involved times out on dates and a couple times she visited the guy’s home.
Everything from there on was taking for granted. I never got to find out what transpired. However, it was in 2008 things started to get worse when I thought all this was behind us. My wife started communicating with another person. All trust went out of the window and so there were lots of vexation, lies and the likes. We hardly spoke and we grew apart slowly. Up to this day, I dont know what and when this new guy was seeing my wife. So we parted for almost two years, both of us were in relationships I must say. On my behalf, I was in a relationship that I thought would never end. It was a relationship that was almost inseperable.
I thought my divorce would have come true and I was able to move on with this wonderful yound lady. Nevertheless, I broke it off, and thought the God wants me to be back with my family. Now that is done, I thought life would feel better but it is not. I am not too certain if I made the right choice because the above relationship was full of trust, honesty and love. I tried to come clean with my wife but she has not done that with me and say what happened in the past. This is affecting my reconcilation with her especially when I know I was in a relationship that was really good. I dont like to compare but I must say it is the best relationship i have had in my life.
I have planned a counseling session which should have started but due a delay on her behalf. What is actually happen now is that we have grown apart/broke our vows and there is no love or connection just only a wonderful daughter. How can this love, honesty, trust and respect be restored. Is it possible? I am praying everyday for God’s guidance and will to be done. I am a born again believer in Christ. Just want to know who was faulted, which i think is hard to get all the truth from her. I am willing to say what went wrong, if not, I will have to move on and i believe in remarriages
(INDIA) Marriage is a covenant made before God. In the Bible God gives us 2 accounts on which we can remarry. 1. on the death of a spouse and 2. when the spouse has been unfaithful. Any other reason for leaving your spouse, does not account for you to remarry. In God’s eyes, you are still married to your spouse, and if you remarry, then it is an act of adultery. It’s a hard truth. The world cannot accept it, but if you want to follow truly God, then there are no compromises. If you have left your spouse for any other reasons, then St. Paul tells us that it is better to remain single.
(USA) No, it is not a step in the right direction if one or both of the parties are divorced from their original spouses… It is a step into ADULTERY according to Jesus and Paul. No where in scripture can we find where adultery, nor a new marriage dissolves the One flesh union created by God.