My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband. I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong.
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.
Act Respectfully
Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and you could watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.
Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.
The Plan
We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33. “Nevertheless let each one of you so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” He said, “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.
Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.
Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.
Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
Why Should I?
You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”
Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
Request his help on Spiritual matters too.
Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.
Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.
Change your attitude and actions
Respect is both a verb and a noun. It’s an action and an attitude. So begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.
Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.
Remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
This article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: For Married Women
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Nancy and Ron, Your article on your experiences really opened up my eyes. I now know that God says a woman must respect her husband. And I now see that it’s not about womans feelings, it’s about following the law. *Great stuff* I’m glad I googled this right on time cause my wedding is just around the corner. I hope it continues to help lots more woman out there.
(PHILIPPINES) I came to realize my mistakes and the reasons why I and my husband always argue, to the point of telling each other that it will be better to go on separate ways. My mistake is that I am being disrespectful to my husband. Now I know how to make things work out and how to make things right between me and my husband. Thanks and may God bless you.
(ZIMBABWE) I am glad I come across this web site. My hubby always says I don’t respect him and now I am learning how to really respect. I am praying by the Lord’s grace I will be able to respect him the way he wants. Thanks a lot.
(CANADA) My husband of four years walked out the 4 nights ago. He hates/loathes my son who is now 20. My husband’s childhood was abusive. His dad was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. It was toxic! He now has transferred those beliefs he learned as a child on to my son (not physical and most of the things he says he only says them to me… to my son he’s cold and distant most of the time).
He looks for faults and never builds up. He is angry all the time and I never know what I will say that will cause him to explode. This is what happened a few days ago. When I try to reason with him or calm him down, it gets worse. He doesn’t trust me, that I love him and want the best for him. I can’t make him see that I love him. He doesn’t trust me because I’m not perfect, but he doesn’t even trust God who is. He’s a believer but not close to God.
I don’t know what to do. I’m hurting so badly. It seems to have the love/affection I have so longed for comes with a the price of hatred towards my son and even myself a lot of the time (like now). It comes with the price of living with an angry man, unable to forgive or to see the best in me or my son. I’m hurting so badly. I don’t want to be rejected and alone again (2nd marriage). I love him and want it to work with all of us. Any advice?
(USA) He doesn’t trust you because you are saying your husband should not feel the way he does. Maybe your husband does have issues with your son. You’re staying he shouldn’t feel the way he does. How is that going to get you closer to him? When you say he shouldn’t be that way, you are in fact rejecting your husband.
If you want to be closer to him, address the problems he has with your son instead of your attack and rejection of your husband by suggesting the problem is totally with him.
I have a 20 year old step son at home. Plays video games all day, failed out of college because he couldn’t be bothered to go to class or do homework. I love him and my wife both, but I don’t particularly like his behavior. When I was his age I was working on two degrees and almost ready for my commission in the Army. It’s sad because he is a smart young man who is not living up to his full potential.
Is it possible that your husband has similar feelings about your son? Can you and your husband come to an enthusiastic agreement about expectations for your son?
Tony, are you saying that a woman can never question her husband without his feelings getting hurt? I can tell you of many examples when husbands question the wives about things, and the wife just acts like a grownup and keeps on chuggin along. Man have go to stop being so fragile. Please do not encourage men to be sensitive. Remind them of the times when they made remarks about the wives’ cooking, or told her his mom was coming and he did not get his wife’s consent. That’s a marriage. Husbands question and scold wives all the time. We have got to be fair.
I am a minister’s wife, and I have sought to not only listen to advice such as yours, but to follow it. I agree that any person should maintain a sense of themselves and know their own guiding principles. One of mine is to respect others and display human kindness whether an individual is nice to me or not. However, Christian advise on marriage cannot always lean towards instructing the wife to change. I may be wrong, but I do not typically see direct advice being given to men to alter their life to be the best husband. This is shredding marriages.
I am not for divorce. Divorce causes more problems that it solves. But, I do believe that if a man or woman believes that the man is the head -the leader -the one is charge -etc – then, that man should be the first to model Christian behavior. If the man will lead as Christ, then the marriage will more than likely succeed. Most women lament on a daily basis because our world is collapsing on top of the church and its interpretation of scripture regarding marriage. Men struggle with selfishness more than women.
Women do have issues, as well. We struggle with bitterness and anger that sometimes follows us to our grave. But regarding marriage, a wife cannot be expected to respect her husband if he is cheating on her, addicted to pornography, verbally and mentally abusing her, expects her to be on a constant weight loss program because he feels entitled to berate her when she does gain weight, etc. These issues are a nuclear bomb to a woman’s heart, and I venture to say that many Christian men are practicing these sins.
The only way to display respect to your husband when he constantly disrespects you is when you can extend respect because it is your core value. Otherwise, it is pretense because no one can truly respect their husband if he is not leading his marriage in a good direction.This is in a Christian marriage. In non-Christian situations, it is a toss up!
Thank you minister’s wife for saying the truth. If the wife changes and the husband doesn’t, it will only lead to frustration. The Church is busy preaching on how to respect your husband, nobody is teaching the husband’s how to gain their wife’s respect. They are falsely makiing them think it comes automatically.
This article reaffirmed to me what I need to do… Give respect even though I’m not receiving it. I’ve been married 15 years and am not the most religious person but lately have found myself praying a lot (probably as some would say in the wrong way). I’ve tried loving my husband through some very hard times but the last 5 years he’s been distant and cold saying he hates me, I make him sick, and there’s nothing left between us.
I know I’ve gone off a lot about his “wrong” actions nagging and screaming, even sometimes swearing. All it has done is make him more distant so you are sooooo right! It’s hard though to control your emotions when you feel so disrespected, unloved, and angry! Please pray for me. Pray for my marriage. I hate seeing my kids so unhappy and crying when he leaves for days to get away from me, then comes back and there’s another argument and he leaves again. Please, please give me some guidance on passages I can read daily to help me remember that I must follow God’s words and be a good person.
My husband doesn’t mean any harm in my opinion. But even when I am very clear by saying “please don’t say or do this or that,”he wont listen. I just go off on him. He bombards me with questions while I’m in the bathroom. He tells me where to park where to turn. (He doesn’t drive). It is soooo frustrating. I agree with all that was said. But I am not sure how much prayer I will need to cope. The things are small and he doesn’t mean it. But he drives me apes.
DEAREST NANCY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this article! I have taken extensive notes. I need to learn how to respect my husband. I struggle because he won’t work. I have breast cancer, diabetes and a number of other physical ailments, which keep me from working. In addition to that, I worked for two years while my husband pursued his basketball dream. Our agreement for me to lead financially ended at the end of September, 2013, but I continued to work until August of 2014.
In January of 2014, I started having breakdowns several times a month. Beginning in January of 2014, the Lord clearly told me, “The burden of being the sole financial provider is too much for you to bear.” I shared this with my husband, but he continued to patch me up and send me out day after day until I could work no more. I was working for a tyrannical boss.
I know I need to respect his OFFICE as husband, but I don’t know how to do that. Even so, YOU have given me some GREAT IDEAS, which I have already begun to implement, even as I was reading your article! :), and I am, for the first time, HOPEFUL about being able to respect him even though he is not providing for me. THANK YOU, DEAR NANCY!
Thank you for this article, it came at a time of need. I hope I can follow through on the advice. It can be hard not to be taken by emotions and have self control when someone else hurts you, especially a husband who is supposed to love you. But I believe in God’s purpose in marriage and will make a sincere effort.
What happens can be kind of complex in marriages. You have a husband and wife, both with different personalities and we are supposed to work on these to form compatibility in marriage. As for the respectful side of things, it is a lot further than that to understand how to practice giving respect to the other party. A lot of things happen during a marriage lifetime, from economical situations, to the family disputes and medical conditions that occur over the marriage life to children growing up. So all these play different roles in the dynamics of marriage.
Hi, This is a really good article. When I had a fight the previous night, my husband’s main complaint was not I am not respecting him. I just googled “How to make an Indian husband feel you respect him. I found this article. 99% of the points you mentioned here are true. God bless you to write more articles like this. With Prayers, Bindu
I want to show my husband love and have tried, but it always seems to fail. Is it because we don’t stay together?
We’re newly married after being boyfriend/girlfriend for 13 yrs… Thank you, I needed this. Please anyone who reads this, please pray for us.
Great! Do you also address the other side to this situation? For example I have a husband that is just coming into the faith (I try to be extremely delicate because of this). My husband lies all the time and he will look me in my face in my eyes and lie and, thinks it’s not a big deal to tell lies.
I tell him that honey, listen, I am your wife and I need to be able to trust you and in you and respect your and know that your word is your bond and that your character and integrity is important to me so please STOP lying. Even when I do compliment him he comes back with negative words that sets off an argument. PLEASE HELP.
Thank you for this article. Your words are exactly what I needed to hear. I knew this in my heart, but I wasn’t committing to acting it out. I’ve emailed this to myself and plan to read it everyday until respect becomes a habit for me.