We’re asked the question often, “Should I get a divorce?” Our answer to them is, “that’s not for us to tell you. We’re told in the Bible that “what God has put together let no man tear apart.” That includes us. Instead, we encourage them to pray and to read the Bible, asking God to lead them. This is a personal decision between them and God —”a cord of three strands.“
With that in mind, here is a starting point for you. Carefully and prayerfully read the following scriptures that concern divorce:
Deuteronomy 24:1-4:
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.
Malachi 2:13-16:
Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accept them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself [or his wife] with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.
Matthew 5:31-32:
[Jesus said] It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 19:3-9:
Some Pharisees came to him [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Mark 10:2-12:
Some Pharisees came and tested him [Jesus] by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
Luke 16:18:
Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Romans 7:2-3:
By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14:
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
1 Corinthians 7:15-16:
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
1 Corinthians 7:27:
Are you married? Do not seek a divorce.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(U.S) I am currently going through a divorce. My wife filed for it. I admit that I could have been a better husband to her. I was not unfaithful but I was mentally abusive. I have since gotten back on the right path and am following God as I should, but my wife’s heart remains hardened and she won’t stop with the divorce proceedings. I believe that God does perform miracles and I’m praying that he will intercede on our behalf and restore our marriage. I know God hates divorce and I’m praying that he restores her love for me and returns our family back better than what it was before. Please pray for me to have strength and patience and pray for my wife to have an awakening and realize that if God can change someone like me he can save our marriage.
(UK) Rudy, Sorry to hear about your divorce. I wish people would realise how damaging mental abuse is – it is worse than physical abuse. People should say “I was only physically abusive” instead of “only emotionally or verbally or mentally abusive”. Physical abuse doesn’t touch the real person and that is why women are so much more affected by emotional or mental abuse and that’s why so many marriages are beyond repair because of it.
If you have not changed for more than 2 years, I think trust is going to be the issue for her. Also, changes for an abusive man should be along the lines of “I am changing to be happy for my wife as she heals, grows and learns to be herself”, not “I am changing so she can return.” Not only is it risky for her to trust because the cost is too high if she is wrong and the abuse returns, she may wonder why she needs to be with a person who didn’t know it wasn’t acceptable in the first place.
Most people can quote “God hates divorce” but don’t forget the rest of the verse – He hates it when the man covers his partner with violence. The reason He hates it is because it violates the covenant of marital oneness and forces a couple to be broken, first emotionally, then eventually, physically when one cannot put up with it anymore. As much as God is for marriage, He will not force your wife to return to a marriage that she feels will not protect her from harm. God’s love for her is greater than His love for the marriage.
Sorry to be blunt, but if I were her, there would still be red flags. Your statement “my wife’s heart remains hardened” can be called verbally abusive. See Patricia Evans’ book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. You are telling us the state of her heart – only she can define that reality. To tell someone else what his/her reality is, is like going inside her head and that is violating his/her boundary.
(USA) As long as you apply Patricia Evans stuff evenly, I’d tend to agree. The same standard has to be applied to those women (or men) who say their abusive spouse will never change.
Now, there is reasonable cause for not trusting. But when that mistrust extends to the victim saying they know the state of the heart of their alleged abuser, are they not also being abusive?
I simply want the same standard applied. If it’s abusive for him to say she has hardened her heart, it’s just as abusive for a women to say she has greater intuition than her husband, or that women are better at communicating or relationships or any of those other comparisons that call upon the one making the judgment to presume to know something about the heart of another person.
So by Patricia Evans own standard, not only can the husband not say the wife has hardened her heart here, but the wife cannot say he will never change. Otherwise, you are allowing a double standard where one party is allowed to make a judgment, but the other is not. Either both are allowed, or neither is allowed. Either neither of them are being abusive, or both are. Pick a standard and be consistent is all I ask. Don’t apply the standard differently to different people.
(UK) The standard should apply to all, regardless of gender. In my experience in the field, most women not only hope that their husbands can and will change, they act on false changes. In fact, most are in denial about the abuse themselves and can severely attack anyone from the law enforcement authorities who try to help.
As for the statement that women are better at communication or have greater perception, it is no different to saying men are better at spacial judgement, have more physical strength or have a height advantage. These are generalisations and there are exceptions. If I say I have a strength, it doesn’t mean that I am defining your reality for you. But if I say “You are…” or “You have…” then that is verbal abuse. Her book explains it very clearly.
(USA) But most don’t say I have a strength. They say I am better…. or we are better. Which IS DEFINING another person. Defining them to be inferior.
When someone says women are better parents, that comes at the cost of men being defined as inferior, which passes the test of how Patricia Evans defines verbal abuse.
(UK) Women are not better parents than men. Neither are men better parents – they have different roles. But each gender has its own strength, and in those areas, that gender is better. That is not denigrating of the other, nor making an assumption, or presuming to know what is in the other heart. It is simply a celebration of the way God has designed things. Both men and women can rejoice in it.
My husband is happy for me that I am better at some things. He doesn’t take offense in it because he knows that he is better at other things, and he is not an inferior person just because he does not have the advantages of being a woman.
BUT if I say to him, “You are a …” or “You have this attitude…” that’s different. That’s defining. And that’s verbal abuse.
(US) I pray that there is restortion in your marriage. I pray that there will be an awakening in your wife’s heart.
Pray day and night in your wife’s name. Find scriptures in the Bible where God has promised the desires of our heart, that are just.
I am also going through a divorce. My husband left the home and created a child outside the marriage and he resides with this woman. We have been separated for four years as a result of this. He has made constant attempts to reach out to me over the years but I was devastated and ignored his attempts. Now I regret it.
Two months ago we spent time together and it was like we never parted. Then once again the memories and the pain came back and I once again distanced myself. The next thing I knew he filed for divorce.
Please pray for restoration in my marriage and a change my husband’s heart and shape him into a man of integrity, as I will pray for your marriage also. God said that when two or more are gathered together in his name, there is blessing and power. You are not alone.
(USA) Today I asked my husband to move out after 20 years of marriage. We have no children and I’ve been battling his alcohol use for many years. I love God so much and pray for a change in my husband and have seen many miracles, but I am at my end with his drinking and driving, that it has literally brought strain on our relationship. I do not believe in divorce, but I am tired and have prayed for his deliverance, but after 20 years I am tired! I’ve read the Bible for answers and I just am hurting and tired. Just please pray that I did the right thing in asking him to move out! I am waiting on direction from the Lord cause I do not know where to turn! Natalie (Tired & hurting)
(US) My husband told my two girls and I that he wanted a divorce on Sunday night. He has a calling on his life to preach but is running from the Lord. I know that it is not God’s plan for us to divorce but he has a hard heart and is not willing to compromise. I know that God can work it out if everyone will pray and believe. Thank You, Lavonda
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have 2 children together ages 3 and 9 months and I’m pregnant again. All of a sudden my husband doesn’t want to be with me no more because he feels like he is too young. We are both young actually 23 & 22. I don’t feel that way, even when we got married. I was a vigrin when I met him, and so was he. We both grew up knowing the Word of God.
No one is cheating on anyone. I think it is stress that is a major factor. We are both students and work full time. All though his mother watches our kids whenever we need too for work and school. I tell him I don’t want it that we need to go to Christian counseling, and yet he still refuses. I recently moved out and got my own apartment while he stayed at the other one. I’m in need of prayers bad. I don’t want to have stressful problems especially with being pregnant. I want to save my marriage, I pray everyday, so if you could please keep our family in your prayers. Thank you and God Bless.
(DUBAI) Hi Rachel, I really feel for you my dear, and will keep you in my prayers. The thing is you guys are still very young and then being parents at the same time can be burdening, and school and work, omg, you surely have a load. The Lord is good, and can work miracles.
I think in your case, since it is not infidelity or any form of abuse, it’s just that the load is too much for him to bear. Maybe he even thinks he is not doing enough. Don’t take advantage of the time you are separate and complicate things further by getting involved in other relationships, be it for comfort or whatever reasons. Use this time to pray to God and ask him to come through in your marriage. Give your husband time to weigh his options and he will surely come around and realise that he has a responsibility i.e. you and the kids. So be strong, work hard, pray and God will surely hear you.
(US) Please pray for our marriage. My wife of 7 years left 9/1/09. She says she no longer wants to be married, she wants to be single and “go with the flow”. She brought 2 daughters into the marriage and we have a 5 yr old son. This is very hard on him; he cries a lot.
It has been confirmed that she is going through the “Change of Life” at 38. I am praying that God will direct her back to Him. She no longer attends church, says she doesn’t need to have prayer and that God has told her to divorce as He wants her to be happy.
I am not stating all the problems are her fault, I have my fair share of the blame. It does however, hurt knowing that she isn’t walking with God like she used to walk. We are supposed to sign divorce papers March 10th. I am asking for all to pray that God will touch our marriage, her heart and bring us back together and let our story be one of praise and glory to God our Father… Thanks and God Bless, Jerry
(DUBAI) Hi Jerry, If indeed your wife is going through ‘mid life crisis’, then I urge you to remain steadfast in the Lord. I think she may just be wanting a second chance to go through a stage she missed in life. Maybe she got married before experiencing living on her own and she thinks it’s such a big deal and this is the time to experience that.
This too shall pass, be assured. All these things are all in vain. She will get the freedom and then what? She will surely miss having a home and children and a husband. I know that nobody is perfect, so don’t feel sorry that maybe it’s something that you did or didn’t do. Ok may be it is, but your story is quite prayable and redeemable.
I went through this also as a wife and mother. I was tired beyond belief and Satan pounced on that. I began to doubt my marriage and the love between my husband and me. I wanted to be free! What I really wanted was to find myself again because I had lost that somewhere between six children and a husband. Long story short… We crumbled. Today, I long to be where I was with my husband and children. I am praying for a miracle!
Love your wife still and keep praying that she returns and sees the truth. My husband pushed me away further and never professed his love for me once during a year of separation. He got a girlfriend quickly and together they were horrible to me and the kids. It’s been four years since that separation and they have broken up. I have forgiven him, but he still has not forgiven me. I sit and still weep over my broken marriage while he is probably only missing his girlfriend because that’s the recent loss for him. I don’t think he even dealt with the divorce.
I redeticated my life to the Lord and pray he does too. I can’t believe this has happened in my life! I can barely press on, but I am. My children have suffered and although they are not small anymore their once childlike faith has been turned in some to unbelief. I see now why God hates divorce. I hate it too again! Do everything you can to stop this and never give upholding in the Lord to turn your wife around. God Bless you!
(SOUTH AFRICA) it is possible that I and my husband will get back together again after we have been divorced for 5 years and now he is married to another one?
(S.AFRICA) Hi All, I have learned so much from reading the above scriptures and from some of the comments. My wife filed for divorce February 9, 2010 after 3 years of marriage, she keeps telling me that in the bible is says you can divorce for emotional abuse, and once we are divorced we may not get married again. I kept arguing with her about this, and now I have found the scriptures that I will send her. I ask that you pray for her Heart and her mind and that she will open up to reconsiliation.
I admit that I abused my wife emotionally and verbally. I have changed, and am seeing a counselor. She says she notices a big change in me but still refuses to even think about reconciliation. God Bless all of you.
(USA) My wife left in March and took all my possessions. She had her family and friends do this while I was at work. I still love her but I waffle back and forth between wanting vengeance and forgiveness. I know I wasn’t a perfect husband, but the Lord got me a job several hours out of town and my wife did not wish to move and left when I got us a place to go. I never forced her; I even offered to come home on weekends as usual but it was not good enough for her.
She filed for divorce before all this took place and her demands are very unrealistic. Plus she was and is still being hateful about it.
God is blessing me but I need this over with one way or another. I am tired of straddling the fence, and now she is trying to take everything else I own including most of my paycheck and I just wish something good would happen to me. I am tired of being used and stomped on all of the time by people who say they love me. I never cheated on her but I am pretty sure she is cheating on me. Help me Lord… I can bear this no longer. It’s killing me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am a 38 year old woman who has been married for 14 years but legally only married for 4 years. A little background… my husband and i got married Muslim the first time, after 10 years of marriage he had an affair. I left him; the hurt was too much to bear. He begged for reconciliation and after counselling with a Pastor we agreed that only if we have God in our lives and are not unequally yoked can the marriage survive. He then agreed to convert to Christianity and we got remarried the proper way in Church.
We both gave our hearts to the Lord and were living a blissful life for 1 year but then the devil attacked my husband and he stopped going to church and started drinking heavily. I tried to fight the curse but it just seemed to make things worse. He abuses me physically, verbally and mentally. It got so bad that I had a miscarriage, but I chose to forgive and lied to him regarding the miscarriage. But about a month ago, he came home drunk again and I went through the usual saga. I lost it and told him that he killed our baby. I love my husband dearly but cannot take the abuse any longer. My children are living in a very unhappy home with 2 parents fighting all the time.
We now live separate lives and don’t even greet each other any more. My teenager has told me repeatedly to leave my husband, but I am just too scared to walk away and start all over again. I come from a broken home and don’t want that for my kids but my husband refuses to accept he has a drinking problem and constantly insults me.
Please give me some advice on what to do. I have been praying and have read many self home books including the Stormie Omatian power of prayer books
(ZIMBABWE) Hie, I’ve probably joined these discussions late but I’m so thankfull to God for allowing me to share with you. I got my divorce certificate last month after having believed God for a restoration of my marriage for a long time BUT I’m here to share that God is Love and Faithful, what He promised He will surely fulfill (Jeremiah 29:11)! I am more in love and I trust with Him more. Just like the Hebrew boys in the book of Daniel, I will not bow down.
My husband, a Christian, left me for another woman claiming I was only convenient for him while he was waiting for his soulmate and now that he has found her he did not need me anymore. This is another Christian lady! Sometimes I look at them now with two kids, a thriving business and everything seems to be working well for them while I struggle with my two kids and I ask God when is it going to be my turn? Help me stay strong.
That’s foul. You don’t deserve that. How can someone say they love you and do that?
A blessing is coming; just keep praying.
That’s exactly what my husband is doing to me and she is a religious woman also. Our children are having a hard time. Please let me know how you were able to deal with everything and how is it now?
(USA) Hey everyone, I’m going through some rough times right now and I have no one to talk to. My husband of 7 years and I are getting a divorce. Long story short we both strayed away from God and made some bad decisions. I hurt him and he hurt me. Now he is in love with another person. I love him with all my heart. I guess it just took me a little bit to realize how much I really loved him.
I was foolish and took advantage of him. I lied and cheated on him, and for what?? To satisfy a sinful curiosity. Now I have to live with the fact that I will never get another chance to show him how much I truely do love him. Everyone is telling me to be mad at him because he cheated too. I just can’t. I’m trying to trust in God that he will change BOTH our hearts and bring us closer together in His eyes.
Our relationship was amazing when we had God within our hearts. We looked to him before any decision. We trusted in the Lord that He would provide for us, and he did. Once my son was born we started the worrys, and with worrys came fear and distrust. Before we knew it everything we based our relationship on was gone. We need your prayers. I know this message is choppy and hard to understand but its hard to type when you cant see the screen for tears. Please pray that God changes our hearts and minds so that we may love each other the way God wants us to again.
(UK) While it so sad to read some of the stories, I am actually very joyful and thankful to God that He is leading me to divorce a husband who is abusive. He cannot live without his family, being a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and because he is charming, well-spoken and successful, not everybody sees his abusive ways.
I am assured that my Father in heaven is more concerned with my wellbeing than in the preservation of the marriage institution. He doesn’t consider saving the marriage more important than saving me and saving my children, some of whom have been shattered by the abuse they have watched or experienced personally at his hands.
In the Old Testament, the Jews recognized the right of a woman to divorce if she is severely neglected (Exodus 21:10), and Jesus did not reject this. He only rejected “any cause divorce” which had crept in because the men were using lots of “causes” for divorce. Since Deuteronomy said that you could not divorce except for the “cause” of immorality, they began to wonder about other “Causes” and gradually began to add other “causes”.
God hates a man putting away a woman (that is, pushing her away through abusive behaviour and causing a break in the covenant) and covering her with violence. He does not hate divorce when a woman has to leave an abusive husband. In fact, it is quite ridiculous to think that God would hate a piece of paper, because that is what divorce is. No, He hates attitudes of the heart that destroy. But when divorce saves a family from evil, then He supports it.
Of course, this is not what my husband would say. He is going around saying that I am resentful and bitter over his hurtful treatment of us, the “mistakes” he has made and the fact that he is “not perfect”. And unfortunately, most Christians are not familiar with domestic abuse and will believe his manipulative stories. So they are praying for our marriage. I know God isn’t.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Daughter of God, what you are going through or I must say what you went through has given me the strength for me to move forward and be happy with the decision that I took also to divorce my husband. His behavior is exactly like your husband’s. For over 9 years now it has become a norm that he would disappear for days and not come home. And when he does, he would act as though nothing has happened and life just goes on for him.
I believe that God loves me too much to see me go through all this trouble. I have tried all that I can, counselling etc but he looks at me as though I am a fool and he says I will never leave him. I once filed for a divorce but when he promised to change I gave another chance and at the time I was also not ready to be on my own. Now 5 years later, I know that the LORD will make a way for me because I have not done my husband any wrong BUT all that I did was to love him and forgave him. I am still trusting God to see me through.
(USA) Please help me understand how Exodus 21:10 allows for divorce in the case of abuse. It’s a conditional statement, “If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.” Has your husband married another woman? If not, then I don’t see how this applies. It’s a strange bending of scripture to try to fit this into an allowance for divorce.
1 Corinthians 7 is pretty clear, the believer is NOT to choose divorce. The only possible exception is if there is sexual unfaithfulness. That doesn’t mean you have to stick around to be abused. Separation is a valid choice. But I don’t believe God’s intention for the believer is to choose divorce.
However, I also don’t believe that if a spouse is not a believer or is acting as an unbeliever that we are to fight against their divorce action. I base that on Matthew 18 and 1 Corinthians 7. But we, as believers are not to divorce a spouse willing to be married to us.
(UK) Tony, Exodus 21:10 refers to the rights of slave that is taken as a wife. In those days, the rights of a wife were considered greater than that of a slave. So what it is saying is that the second slave taken as a wife should be given the same rights of a wife. Wives in those days who were neglected could ask for a divorce. (Documents found from the time of Jesus indicate this.) However, if a man simply wanted to divorce his wife for a trivial cause, he was not to take her back later and thus humiliate her.
1 Corinthians 7 refers to two types of leaving. A woman is not to leave (the Greek word there refers as much to divorce as to separate) her husband. But if she does, she is to remain unmarried (you cannot be unmarried if you still have a husband, so the woman is divorced). However, in later verses, Paul addresses the desertion of an unbelieving spouse. Many theologians agree that this includes behaviour that causes one to leave. In other words, actions that push away a spouse and breaks the covenant. Every time a spouse breaks the marriage covenant by causing death to the relationship by abusive behaviour, he or she has left. A churchgoing person who “reviles”/”verbally abuses” is considered an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 6). Also Matthew 18 says that an abuser that doesn’t change should be treated as a pagan.
In those cases of desertion, the woman is not under bondage, or not under the same prohibition as the earlier verses. “God has called us to peace” – God doesn’t expect the spouse to continue living in oppression, strife, etc. Just because a spouse is willing to be married doesn’t mean that we should be married to that person. The reason the person is willing to be married could be a dependent one – this could be a type of idolatry. An abusive person who is truly repentant will release the abused partner into safety while seeking healing and heart change for one’s behaviour.
There are many well-known treatises that delve rigorously into this. What I know is that it makes sense. God is not so concerned with a piece of paper – He is concerned about the safety and well-being of His beloved children. The reputation of an institution has never been His priority.
(USA) The Bible is full of accounts where believers are called to remain in what appears to the world to be unsafe circumstances. Think of Moses before Pharoah, or David facing Goliath, or Gideon, or others. God doesn’t call anyone to run, but to trust that He will protect them.
Is there a situation where God tells His people to run from danger? I don’t think so. So if that’s the case, I really don’t see any call for a believer to divorce an abusive spouse.
Again, I’m not saying stick around and be a punching bag. I’m saying God doesn’t want folks making decisions that go counter to what He has said. Since scripture says He didn’t intend for divorce to be, I don’t see any Godly justification for the choice of divorce. The only exception God has given is for marital unfaithfulness.
Of course God is worried about the heart. After all, a spouse who chooses divorce is the one He’s talking about with respect to the hardness of heart. God says He doesn’t like the hardness of heart. I simply believe that hardness of heart may be present not in the “sinning” spouse, but in the spouse who chooses divorce. Why would a believer knowingly choose the hard hearted choice, knowing God hates that hardness of heart?
It may be that BOTH spouses have a hardness of heart, and I suspect that is true in most cases. But again, if the believer knows God is against this hardness of heart, why would a believer even consider hardening his or more commonly her heart to their spouse? I think the hardness of heart scriptures are a clear warning to believers NOT to choose divorce.
(UK) God led Moses to deliverance over Pharaoh – the very promise God gave me regarding my situation – that I would have an Exodus. Most spouses do not leave at the first sign of danger – like Moses, they would have tried many times to engage and try to address the situation. In fact, most spouses leave only when they are severely damaged and have no option. That’s why Proverbs 27:25 says “The prudent person foresees danger and flees”. And don’t forget Joseph was led to take little Jesus away from danger.
You seem to use circular logic with regards to the hard heart: A spouse that chooses divorce is the one with a hard heart. Why? Because God hates the hardness of heart. Why? Because he/she chooses divorce.
I think one can choose to divorce out of a hard heart. But when one doesn’t have a hard heart, and is being led to divorce because there is sin in the other spouse, and not to divorce would be allowing that sin to thrive and damage the children, then to choose divorce is not a sign of a hard heart. It is a sign of commitment to righteousness.
The amazing thing is that non-Christian domestic violence workers wonder what it is that keeps women staying in those relationships. It is so embarrassing to reveal to them that in the case of Christians, it is because of a belief that our God does not allow divorce for domestic violence, a crime in the eyes of the law! No wonder they have a warped view of God.
If you acknowledge that you should should not stick around, then you can see why people choose to separate. And if the separation is permanent, a piece of paper isn’t going to offend God because in all respects that couple is living apart and has no relationship. Or a divorce may be inevitable because abusive spouses will use the fact that they are still married to harrass, intimidate and “hook” the other party and deny the other spouse to any financial provision. And besides, the cost of reconciling to a spouse who has only pretended to change is far too great. Who is going to compensate them for listening to Christians who insist they have to forgive and reconcile because God cannot handle the breaking of a marriage?
At the end of the day, people can debate as much theology as they like. I don’t think God is too worried about theology – it’s people He loves. What really counts is heart obedience to Him. The love, joy and peace in our family since initiating divorce is real – we are closer to God than ever before.
(USA) So let them accuse their abuser in the courts. Make it public knowledge. Prove the case. Go through the process not only in the courts, but the Matthew 18 process.
Too many just want to divorce, but not do any of the actual work required prior. So the decision to divorce is made in an emotional charged state, not in one where a unbiased 3rd party looks at the facts and renders a verdict.
If abuse is against the law, and it is, why just divorce? Why not send them to jail? Isn’t God in the business of redeeming folks? After all, Paul was either directly killing Christians or having them killed, or wanted them killed before his conversion. The same God who can do that, can redeem any other abuser on the planet.
What if, by prosecuting, (not divorcing) abusers, that person can be redeemed? What if by taking an alleged believing abuser through the Matthew 18 process he/she can be shown the error of his/her ways? By simply divorcing them, all you do is find safety for yourself. You don’t warn society about the person, and they don’t face the natural consequences for what they’ve done.
As a Christian, while I understand the desire to no longer be married to such a person, I also understand that the entire story of the scriptures is about redemption of those who don’t seem redeemable. Leave the judgments of if they will or will not be redeemed up to God. Let God harden their hearts, so that if they will not be redeemed, THEY choose the divorce, much like the story of Pharaoh, where God hardened his heart. But do not harden your own heart against your spouse, regardless what you think of what they are doing.
So yes, a spouse choosing to divorce can indeed be the one with a hard heart. I’m not saying they are the only one with a hard heart. I’m saying we are all human, and if we reject the possibility that God can redeem that person, then yes, we have hardened our very heart against both God and that person.
Just as in the story of Moses before Pharaoh, Moses did not harden his heart against Pharaoh. Instead, he continued to petition Pharaoh. God, knowing the heart of Pharaoh, permanently hardened Pharaohs heart.
Since we cannot know the future, we have to trust that God knows the heart of another, and provide a solution that doesn’t involve us doing things God says he hates.