The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) It’s amazing how life is. Most of us get marry thinking will grow old with our partner. Well, that’s what I thought. Now it’s pain, a pain that I feel that is not going away. We were separated for nine months. He moved out of state and then asked me to come with him, which I did. Now here I am sitting down in my couch. Don’t know where he’s at. I just wish I was stronger and could forget about him, even though he’s always going to be in my life for our five year old. I’m tired of his lies and him cheating. I’m 24 years old and feel all these years have been horrific, specially when we were living at his mom’s.
My son is the greatest, that’s why I always forgive him. But no, I don’t see myself with him anymore. All I want is for God to help me heal this heart and I want to get him out of my heart. God bless everyone.
(UNITED STATES) My husband of 11 yrs kicked me & our 2 girls out back in April of this year. He said there was no one else but he was just done. I asked if he wanted to go to counseling but he declined. That weekend I found out that there was another woman, and he had slept with her, not even 24 hrs after I was gone. To make matters worse he moved her in a week later & by their 3rd week together he got married to her. They used to work together, but he swears nothing happened.
I spoke to her & she told me she was just having fun & he took very good care of her. That was hard because since we split he stopped taking care of the girls or even being a part of their lives. It’s like he hates me so much, and wants to hurt me in every way, so he is willing to not be a father.
At first I prayed for God to restore my family then I found out on FB he had done the unimaginable. I’m confused now. I really wanted our girls to grow up with both of us in their lives. I never thought he had it in him to do what he did. I blame myself for not seeing the signs, and for allowing the disrespect to continue after I found out. Now there is no communication between us. Because when there was, all he did was curse me out and text nasty messages to me.
We got together when we both were young and I did everything for him. The life we had we built together was so bad he didn’t even bring any furniture, he wanted me & our 2 girls to sit on the floor, while he and his new girlfriend lived in & on the things we bought together. I’m a Christian and have been praying for him even though it’s really hard to. I’m a strong woman and I’ve been hurt before but not like this. My girls are hurting and their father doesn’t even care. He missed our youngest’s birthday and just five days later he got married to this girl. No we are not divorced yet. I pray God has a good man out there for me, because I really can’t see how that is my husband right now? Any suggestions or advice?
Sheree, my heart breaks for you and your girls! No matter what ever went wrong in your relationship with your husband, you and your girls did not deserve this. I don’t know how his current “wife” could have “fun” (although this marriage is illegal in the eyes of the law and the eyes of God because you are still married), knowing that her “husband” did this and is doing this to his family. I would be very unhappy thinking that I contributed to this, plus I would feel very insecure that my “husband” could do this to his family –knowing that if he did this to them, he could do it to me. A person who will cheat with you can cheat on you and a person who could be cruel to his one family can be cruel to you someday. Unless he absolutely repents and turns his life around, he can very well be cruel to this woman. And if he repents and turns his life around, he would not stay with this woman, but will turn to you and your girls to try to make up for his horrible behavior. They are both living on very slippery ground. Please don’t be fooled by what she told you or by what you may see when they are out in public. This is temporary “happiness” at best.
As for “suggestions or advice,” I encourage you NOT to look for another man. Right now, you and your girls need to do some healing. And you need to give all of this time. I’ve seen people over and over again make the horrible mistake of jumping from one relationship into another without giving themselves and their family time to heal. They are hurting so much that they think that they need someone else to ease the pain and give them what they wish they would have gotten from their former spouse. But this is such a mistake. You have a lot of raw feelings going on right now that need to be sorted out. Your girls don’t need another man to come into their lives right now. They are still raw and hurting over their dad abandoning them. They need you, their mother, to draw closer to them –not bashing their dad, but loving them and showing them that together, you will make it.
You need to learn how to develop a new “normal” and become healthier before you bring anyone else into the picture. It’s not fair to this other person, and it’s not good for you and your girls to take your hopes and transfer them from one man and plop them onto another. Allow God to be your husband right now. Allow Him to help guide you and your girls to a place of healing –one where you are healthier for yourselves and also for anyone else that may or may not come into your lives. When you go into a relationship from a needy stand, you complicate matters all the more. Relationships are messy, in themselves, without piling all of this baggage on top of just the “normal” adjustments that need to be made.
I can certainly appreciate that you are lonely and that you feel abandoned and you want to run into the arms of a man to comfort you and love you in the ways you need. But if you don’t give yourself and your girls the time and space needed to properly process through all of this and learn how to draw together as a family in a healthy way, you can end up sabotaging any future relationship that you could have with anyone else.
And who knows? Maybe God will work in your husband’s heart and perhaps he will respond as he should and he might turn his life around so that there is the possibility of reconciliation in the future? Right now you probably couldn’t even imagine wanting that, but please don’t underestimate what God can do in the future. I’m not telling you to count on that happening –it probably won’t. Your husband is making some extreme decisions and his heart has to be pretty hardened right now. But I’ve seen it happen a lot of times where the offending spouse “wakes up” and by that time the other spouse has “moved on” into another marriage, and then BOTH former spouses live with regrets. I just want to warn you, in case.
Sheree, the best thing you can do right now is NOT to make a lot of life-changing movements right now. Pray and work to stabilize your life with your girls. Do all you can not to bash their father in their eyes. I’m not saying that you lie to them, but please spare them details about their dad that can hurt their hearts further and taint their view of him to the point where there isn’t as much of a possibility of them rebuilding a relationship in the future. He still is their father, even though he isn’t acting like it.
I had this happen in my life. My dad did the same thing to my mom and to us 4 kids. It was heart-wrenching. He drained their bank account, leaving my mom and us penniless and ran off with another woman –verbally bashing my mom and out and out abandoning all of us. Through a long set of circumstances, he eventually woke up, reconciled with my mom and eventually reconciled with us. It was extremely difficult. But I’m glad that my mom kept her head about her, didn’t date, worked to get us back on our feet (we almost lost our home in the process) and made it possible for us to heal as a family (whether it would have been with or without my dad). I have SO MUCH respect for all she went through and helped to pull us through. It was a monumental job. But I honor and respect and love her so much for this. My dad and I have a good relationship to this day, albeit, I don’t hold him in the same high esteem that I would have, had this never happened. But I’m glad that we have reconciled and that we’re ok today.
I pray that you and your girls are able to come to the place of healing and wholeness, despite these devastating circumstances. But first, draw close to God and close to each other and learn to build a new life together, without complicating it by bringing in another man right now (in thoughts or in action). Work to find ways to laugh together and NOT let this possess your every thought and action (which will be a monumental task –especially in the beginning, when your feelings are most raw). Pray together and try to build a good life together –despite all the destruction that your husband has done and is doing. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, shows you His love and care, and blesses you beyond your comprehension. I pray for help and hope and love to be abundant in your life and in your home and that one day, you will experience joy and laughter together as a family.
(US) Thanks Cindy. Yes I’m still hurt, but I pray for God to heal me and our girls. I just can’t have unforgiveness in my heart for him, the other woman, or his mother. Our oldest knows more than any child her age should even though I tried to sheild her from it all. When this mess first happened I worked 2nd shift so she spent a lot of time with his brother & his family. She’s overheard conversations during those times and they have tried to console her through this rough time in our lives. They’re very godly people and I’m blessed to have them in our lives. They have heard conversation via speaker phone of him just cursing me from here to Africa. Even enduring all of that I’ve never bashed him, instead I’m always telling the girls daddy loves them & misses them. Our oldest knows her father has only talked to her once in the past 3 months and even that time I had to make her. The conversation was less than five mins & all he wanted to talk about was where we were etc. She’s still struggling and just the other day she asked if her father did change later down the road would I take him back? It’s been heavy on her mind, and because I see the pain & hurt in her I find that answer to be no.
I’ve given him and everything in my life to God. I’ve been growing closer to him long before this happened and I feel like God took me out of a situation that was keeping me from him. And I also feel like he allowed satan to divide our family not just to work in and through me, but to work on my husband also. For the past five years he’s become very concerned with his image, materialistic things, and has picked up some nasty habits. From an addiction to porn, to going out and staying in clubs til 5 am in the morning (later found out they were stip clubs). He started cursing a lot even around the kids, and his attitude toward me changed greatly. He stopped going to church long before our second child was born. I just feel like what satan planned to destroy me God turned it into a victory for his kingdom. I’m now able to help other women who I work with & am friends with turn to God. I find my attitude isn’t that of someone who’s in pain, someone who complains, and has a pitty party for themselves. But I’ve been carrying myself like a child of God should, like a woman of God should. I’ve been praying for them all. I’ve been going to counseling and found out the reason I put up with a lot of the things my husband did was because I had unresolved issues with my father, and some of my family members that I had not forgiven for the things they did to me.
I still love my husband, but honestly I don’t know the man he is now. I know that it’s satan working through him, but no matter what he still had a choice to do what is right or what is wrong. He chose the later. That’s why I said I was praying for a Godly man. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump back into a relationship because I’m not ready. I have to focus on my girls and God. I know God can change anyone and I know in my heart he is moving in my husband’s spirit and mind, but I really can’t see myself ever taking him back. I’ve been through this type of mess before in past relationships and can say I only took one guy back after he cheated just to have him do it again later. I know I deserve better and my girls deserve better than what their father has done.
I pray that God changes him, I pray for his salvation because I want him to be a better man & father. I can’t trust him nor do I respect him. I don’t think that will ever change regardless if he does. It’s a mother thing you can do whatever you want to me, but when you don’t have a sense of honor, responsiblity or care for your own flesh and blood it says a lot about your character. I know he has abandonment issues as well as other things built up because his mother & father both did the same things to him and his brothers & sister, but I just can’t see how God could want me to be with a man who is capable of doing what he did. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. God is in control and whatever he leads me to do in the future I will obey. Right now I’m just doing what God told me to back in April –to continue to stay focus on him, keep the faith, worship and raise my girls right, & be still. I know this battle is His to fight and He is going to move on my behalf. Everything that’s happened has been a blessing in a sense because I have a stronger relationship with God. So for that I’m very thankful.
(USA) Reading these stories sound really like my own. I been apart for a year and about 6 months and it’s been very rough. I have been seeking out to find friends and go out to movies and do things. This worked for a while until I just got tired of hearing about all that my husband is doing and it seems like we are never going to get back together. He has moved in with someone and her kids, and to me it seems like they are living the good life.
In the begining, I was texting and calling and seeing him when he came over to see the kids and we did family things together all the time. Over the past months, I stopped all of it and I said no more. I know all about the other person and it is like he has moved on but wants his cake and eat it to. He sent me flowers this past week for our 15 years and I am like WOW. What do you do? Do you hold on and keep praying or let go and just file the papers and be done?
With every appointment for our oldest child, we are there together and he talks about all the things we’re going to be doing as a family, and we have three so I am sure if he tells one he tells the others. I feel this gives them false hope. When he comes by it’s like he is so different. He looks like he has something on his mind but won’t say it. I am just tired. I am not going to stop praying, but the heart is such a bad thing to play with. I am praying for you all, so please pray for me.
(US) Beller, I feel your pain. In the beginning of my mess I rushed to file for a divorce. Spoke to an attorney that first week, she took our information, and I was planning on paying her the processing fee for the petition with some extra money I was getting. God spoke to me one night and told me to be still. I honestly didn’t want to listen so God worked it out so that when I got the money I didn’t have enough to pay for my bills and file the petition.
Now it’s going on five months & I’m asking for God’s direction. I feel like I want to get it over with and just be done. But God is in control and his time & plans will be done. All I can tell you is to continue to pray, pray, and pray some more. I tell my friends all the time that I know prayer works because in the beginning my husband would curse me out and hang up. I would fall on my knees and pray; then he would call back not even five minutes after I was done talking normal again. So be strong, forgive him & yes forget, and pray for him. You have to pray for them both even though it’s so hard to do. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Seek God’s direction and allow Him to guide you to what He wants you to do.
(USA) I have been married to my husband for three years. I told him to leave our home as he refuses to change his ways. He insists on talking to women constantly. He texts all day and night. It has become a pattern with him and we get into arguments when I object to him talking to certain women that I don’t know or in some cases that I do know when I feel that his communication level is crossing the line (ex. 150+ texts per day, talking to them about his problems like he would to me or his best guy friends, going out for drinks or clubs alone with them, texting and talking to them after I have gone to bed or texting them after midnight while laying next to me in bed, having them be the first person he texts and the last person he texts before going to sleep, having them over at our house while I’m away, etc.).
I feel like this behavior is that of single man or of one that is dating. He gets bored easily. I believe that his intentions are not bad and that he simply seeks the companionship of women. He just doesn’t believe that this behavior is disrespectful to me and that I should be able to trust him. I feel that I do trust him, even though at times it’s hard to do since he has lied to me so many times before about this issue, I feel that his level of communication is disrespectful to me and our marriage. I’m a believer that people of the opposite sex cannot be close friends, unless there are special circumstances.
He says that I do not want him to talk to any women and that I’m a jealous and controlling person, but I am not. I want him to feel free to talk to whoever he wants but have boundaries just like any healthy marriage should. He doesn’t want any boundaries or restrictions. I am a Christian and he is a believer but he has never had an actual relationship with Christ. He also has never had a steady job and I have been our financial source during the duration of our relationship. This is also why I told him that he could stay at our house and that I would leave as I know that he doesn’t have another place to stay.
I don’t want a divorce, I love him and I want our marriage to work. I am hoping and praying that he will seek God during this separation, and grow into the responsible man and husband that God wants him to be. I feel that by staying with him I’m continuing to allow his behavior to go on and I’m being an enabler to his lack of responsibility and disrespectful behavior. I guess you could describe this as tough love. This is so painful because I just want to run to him and have him hold me and us to be happy again. Aside from his lack of initiative to find employment and issues with women, we have a great marriage. The fact that we haven’t been faithful followers of Christ is what I feel has gotten us in the predicament, but like I said before I pray that God hears me and that our marriage can be salvaged. Any encouragement or fresh perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
(USA) Hello, I met my husband a little over 18 months ago. We both were married before and both have a daughter from our priop marriages. Back in Oct 2011, only 4 months after we were married, my husband got sick. We found out he had an enlarged heart, congestive heart failure, a blood clot in his heart and afib (abnormal heart rhythm). His mother is an RN and controlled everything in his life. She had to go everywhere with him for his appts with the doctor and everything. She basicly took over everything a wife is suppose to do. I felt like I wasn’t needed in his life. He had all his support from his mom and sister (an LPN and just like his mom). I wanted to be a good wife and support my husband with all his things that needed to be done to get him well. In all this, I kinda felt like my feelings didn’t matter. I told him how I felt about his mom doing everything for him like he was a child. Both of us are bad communicators as well, so of course this wasn’t good either. He couldn’t work either. I was beginning to be rude to his mom and sister because I felt resentment toward them. I felt like he wasn’t giving me the love, support, and understanding I needed to get past the way his mom and sister were.
He saw the way I was acting and that made him feel like I was a different person from what he married. He had a lot of problems with my daughter as well. I did make excuses for not getting her help because she has ADD. I felt like his mom and sister didn’t treat my daughter like they should have. Not saying they should have treated her like their own blood, but at least treated her like a step granddaughter. She was treated kinda like she wasn’t there in some ways. She needed medicine too for it. I just felt like why should I do something to help him when he isn’t doing anything to help me. Well, now it’s Aug 2012 and we are separated. He told me he needed to be alone. He just didn’t feel the same about me any more. He said he still loves me but he feels like because of the life/death experience he had made him think of life differently and he doesn’t want to be stressed out anymore or waste it. He just wants a simple life with his daughter. His mom and sister don’t like me anymore and he thinks thats it’s easier for us to not be together because of all the problems our family members have caused. My daughter is on meds now and is a lot better. He has told me when he was drinking a little too much, which I know isn’t good but he said that he liked being with me and laughing with me. He also said that he wishes we could have met at a different time than now. Not too sure what the last thing means when he said it. All I know is that I want my life back. I want my marriage back with him and all the things that go with it. I just love him so much and I know that what I did and the way I was rude wasn’t right. I do pray to God but I sometimes feel that he doesn’t hear my prayers. I’m just hurting and I cry sometimes. My husband won’t tell me his feelings, so that makes things worse for me. I don’t know how he feels about us or me or anything about our marriage. Please pray for my husband, my daughter, his daughter, and me. I want us to be a real family.
(MAS) I am currently 5 months pregnant with my 2nd child. We’ve been married for 6 years and had a son. 1 month ago, we had a family crisis which included my in laws. I’ve been rude to them for the 3rd time and my husband said he couldnt tolerate my behavior anymore. He moved out of his parent’s house and rented a place while I moved to my parent’s house.
Recently, I moved back to my in laws house hoping that we can reconcile and hoping that he’ll come back to us. But he didn’t. I found out from friends that he’s been seeing someone and staying with her too. He did text me saying he wanted a divorce and he is happy with what he had now. I asked about the kids and he said either one of us can take care of them. When he text he used harsh words and even cursed me to death. I told my mum in law about this but it seems like she gave up on our marriage due to my attitude and cannot accept what I did to the family. She even asked me to move out from the house because my husband won’t come back if I stay. I moved out.
I begged my mother in law to talk to my husband but she said it’s too late now and even said it’s good if he had found someone better than me. I really don’t know what I should do. I do not believe in divorce and wouldn’t want my children to be the victims. I am in a stressful period and lost weight even though I’m pregnant. Till now he did not call asking about my son or the unborn baby. I handle everything on my own and there’s no expenses given to me. I am so desperate that I’m willing to forgive the affair he committed as long as he come back.
I do not know if I’m doing the right thing. He was not like this before, even if we quarreled he would still ask about the son. My heart said I should wait till the baby is born but my mind said I should give up on a irresponsible man like him. I am really confused and do not know how to handle the situation especially if he is not there when I give birth. Tq”
(US) Hi, Ivana hope you’re ok. I feel so bad for what you’re going through, especially living with the in laws, from my experiences what’s living in hell. My opinion is for you to move out of there. That’s healthier for you. If your husband doesn’t look for you, don’t let yourself get hurt by looking for him. You and your son don’t deserve that. Focus on your future and your kids. Love yourself; he doesn’t know what he’s missing ;) I went through something similar as you. I’m still going through it, but I thank God for making me stronger. Thanks to my husband’s lies and his cheating, I think I could take anything.
Keep your head up, do activities that would keep you busy. Give your kids extra love and attention. In the future you’re going to be proud of yourself. It’s better being a mom than a wife. Remember you’re not the first or last. We all go through something we think we can’t be without or won’t survive.
(MAS) Hi, I’m emotionally stable now. Maybe it’s because my MIL has forgiven me. She called me up the other day and told me we can do nothing to change my husband’s heart; but we can pray for his salvation. She told me to be patient and I can feel her love towards me. As for my husband, things have gotten worse. A few friends told me about the photos he took with the other person and posted it on Facebook. I’ve seen and read how much they show their love to each other. Some friends told me that he might have had a spell cast over him by the other person cos his actions and words seem so different. But I believe God has greater power than anything and I forgive what he had done. I try to be patient and calm. I have faith that God will help me go through all this…and prayer keep me stronger.
(USA) My husband left me in March of this year, we got back together in May and he told me to leave in June. He says he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, he changed and just doesn’t want to talk about it. He has recently told me that if he wanted a divorce he would have filed already. He just says to not force the marriage and if I want to wait for him then to wait. Its been a tough last 5 months. We’ve been together 4 years married 1. I had two children before I met him and we had one together who is now 3. 3 weeks after I was told to leave I found out I’m pregnant. This is a lot for me to handle alone. I also found out he tries to talk to other women. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to hold on, but he just keeps hurting me.
(MAS) Hi Val, I understand how you feel right now especially with the pregnancy. I hope you stay strong and always pray to God. Forgive what your husband has done and leave your burden to God cause that is what I’m doing right now. Hope you feel better in time. For now, set your priorities to your children and your own well being.
(US) I have separated from my husband a little over a year ago. He has cheated, abused drugs and verbally and emotionally abused me and our children with his choices. I took myself and the girls (2 & 13) to a shelter for safety and still am. He is presently claiming to want to work on our marriage and family after I have given birth to our son (7 months), and myself and all three kids are still in shelters as I search for work.
I don’t believe in divorce, but will not fight it if he wants one. I am leaving my marriage in God’s hands. I love my husband, but don’t presently trust or believe him. I ask that you all pray that God’s will be done in our lives and with our marriage. I am trying to protect my children from the demons he is allowing to use him, but am not sure if I should just give up after only four years of marriage.
(CAN) I’m so so glad I have found this website and can relate to so many of you. I’d like to share my story and possibly get some feed back on what I could possibly do. I’m already praying every day. We got married in February of this year, I’m 21 and he’s 26. We started off living with the inlaws (his parents, grandmother, and his brother). It worked for a few months, we decided to move out as I couldn’t take it anymore (his parents were constantly evesdropping our conversations, putting their fingers in our business, and disrespecting us in many ways, p.s. he’s used to all this; I’m not). We moved about 30 minutes away to live with my grandparents. We used the “excuse” to move out of inlaws and in with my grandparents because “they’re old and need help around the house and garden especially now that summer is around the corner”. We didn’t lie, this was true, but we left out the truth (we didn’t like living with the inlaws) so no feelings would get hurt. Husband and I talked about moving into an apartment alone but he said “we shouldn’t as I won’t be able to explain to my parents the reason for us moving out of their place”.
Things were going great here at grandparents house, until mother in law started putting her fingers into our business again and started manipulating my husband (her younger son, his brother was born with a mental disorder. Thus, my husband is basically their only child, as far as carrying on the family tree goes). This is all taking place here in Europe, I grew up in Canada, different culture, society, in the city, different morals, everything… his parents want us to live here, start our family here, work here, etc… They began disliking me when I refused to offer to build a 2nd story on their house (where hubby and I were supposed to live apparently). I refused because I don’t want to invest MY money (I saved up prior to this marriage) into something that I don’t even want. I don’t see why I should raise my kids on a farm in a village teaching them to feed ducks, pigs, chickens… when I can financially support them to go to university and a degree in something they WANT. Anyway, the money was used to pay off my husband’s credit (he collected prior to this marriage), but I didn’t mind paying it off as I didn’t see why the bank should get rich off of the interest we would now have to pay.
That is the background story… please read on to hear how the problems started between husband and I… We filed for his permanent residance status paper to come to canada at the end of March. We wanted to get out of this place so bad, we wanted to finally come to Canada and “start a life, soon a family”. That 2nd story on that house of his parents was being built about 2 months ago, his mom (as his relationship with his dad got destroyed apparently after we left their house, they don’t talk) calls him to come and “help” with the construction and building of the house. I don’t mind him going over of course, but I do mind that she used this tactic to manipulate him. I do NOT know if she said this, but I can only imagine she would say something along the lines of, “see son, this is what you would have (the house) if you stay here, in Canada you will not have anything of your own.” Again, I don’t know if she said this but I can only imagine she would, knowing how she is.
My husband started being very closed past month before the “break up” (August 8th), he’d come home from work, shower, eat, have a nap, watch tv, bla bla bla, and then go sleep (while I’m cleaning the house or something so I don’t notice). When I get to bed too (10-15min later), we’d… either that or he’d say he is “too tired to talk”. He refused to talk to me as he knows what topics I’d touch up on (his parents, his priorities, his ex-wife/son, Canada, etc…). Anyway few days go by and we pretty much don’t talk at all, no txt msgs while at work, nothing, lady day (day of fight) he didn’t even say anything when he got home/no coming home kiss (something we’ve always done), nothing… anyway huge fight, he packs his things, leaves to his parents’ house, not friends house (which was the most dumbest thing a human being could do, get the parents involved, because no, it just became 100X worse). Next day he calls and tells me “I can’t go to Canada, I thought I could but after thinking about it for the past month, I can’t, I belong here”… I think that says enough about why he didn’t want to talk to me during the days prior to the little conflicts/fights. We never never, neverrrr fought about anything, it was always I guess just about “lack of communication”, I’m a person who needs to talk, plan, etc… he hates that. I guess that drove him away.
I’ve lost 4kg (9 pounds) in 3 weeks, which is bad as I was already a skinny stick. I don’t think I’m pregnant but I’ve thrown up on several occasions in the first 2 weeks of this, we are now in week 3. He took off his wedding band because his parents asked him about it (why he was still wearing it), gave it to me (probably because he thinks he’d lose it or someone will find it and it will be thrown out). He later tells me he’d like us to stay friends, but that his PARENTS can’t find out about it. I’m sorry but I will not be friends with my HUSBAND!!! Lets be serious, I used this excuse when I was 16 years old and wasn’t allowed to date “yea we can be boyfriend/girlfriends, but my daddy can’t know about it”…
His main problem is cutting the cord with his parents, he has never done so. I did this at age 18 with my parents, and look at me now, I turned out ok, have enough money to live in this country for at least 2 years and not work, have my own car, have my own business, and next year (or year after) I will have my own condo if not maybe even house (paid in cash no mortgage, motor vehicle accident money if you are wondering how). I opened up my business at 19, bought my own car at 18, never asked parents for gas money or anything. My parents respect me, they have seen what I’m capable of, and they do not tell me what to do, they don’t even advise me unless I ask for their opinion. They don’t ask how much money I have; thus, they can’t tell me what to do with it, unlike his parents who must know everything. I guess my problem is that I don’t want them knowing these kinds of things. Anyway getting off topic, what I’m trying to say by all this is that I am a verrrrry very independant young woman, and he 26, and cannot even say “no” to his parents, yet to mention who paid 50% of his car (our car), who paid off his credit, who paid for the honey moon, who bought the rings… I love him and I don’t mind the money I spent on all those things, but just the lack of respect and not respecting my wishes (to not talk about our financial situation to his parents) is beyond belief.
We are now separated, we still love each other, neither of us have been unfaithful since separating, I trust myself, I trust him, but I’d still have peace of mind knowing he is comming home (to me) every day after work. I have suggested for us to go live in an apartment alone but his response was “if I leave this house (his parents’) one more time, not only will they never allow me to return to it again, but they wont ever even talk to me”… I didn’t talk to my parents for a good 9 months at age 18, and that is what it took for me to finally teach them to respect their child who is no longer their little baby. Perhaps he needs to do the same, I never suggested this to him as I’m scared that I’d drive him away even more and that he might take it as “oh you dont want me to be good with my parents”…
I’m so so sorry for this long post but I just dont want you to miss any info that might be relevant. I pray every morning and every night, cry pretty much every day. Today I went to visit some lawyers to find out what the laws are in this country as far as divorces go, and I come to one lawyer who starts listing things about me, and then concludes with “and you have a husband who works at ***********”, turns out my husband visited him, and get his, this lawyer tells me to make peace with my housband and get back together with him. A LAWYER who is supposed to make a profit off of divorces goes and tells me this!! He ends up (in front of me) calling my husband. Man did I feel stupid! I later txt my husband telling him that we’re both idiots for letting it get this far, if a lawyer says that, then you can only imagine what other people think.
I understand I hurt my husband with the constant talking about how much I dislike his parents this and that but I only did that because it’s true, they hurt me sooo bad, not a day went by that they didn’t come home from work to coffee and dinner waiting on the table for them and all of us to eat. I was such a good daughter in law, except for “wanting to take our son away for us” part, I did not do that and it was his choice to want to come to Canada with me (which we in the end did not do as we separated).
My question is, what can I do to help MYSELF, not him, with his parents (even though I think that’s the 1st step that needs to happen)? But I’ve been reading and reading. I need to help myself first before helping anyone else. I will work on gaining weight and all that, I will go to sleep earlier, I’ll do all that, but emotionally and psychologicaly, what can I do to help myself? Thank you everyone so so much for reading this, once again, so sorry for the long post, I do hope you have an idea of what is all going on with our marriage… God bless you all <3
(AUSTRALIA) Hi there everyone. This website has helped me through so much over the last 6 months. My wife and I moved overseas to Hong Kong for my job and once we arrived I found out she had been cheating on me for the previous 6 months with a co-worker, whom she had fallen in love with. We have been married for 2 years and don’t have kids. I decided to forgive her and whilst we had absolutely no friends or family around us in Hong Kong we decided to stay and work on our marriage.
To say it was tough was an understatement and to hear her talk about her lover as if they were in love was a hard pill to swallow. She ended the affair and we started working our issues out. I understood why the affair happened and whilst the blame isn’t on me, I also had issues to work through. Things were going great after 6 months of me fighting for our marriage. But one month ago she slipped back into thinking about her ex-lover (all contact had been ceased) and it was all too much for me and we decided to separate.
She has moved back to Australia to live with her parents and I’m stuck here in Hong Kong for another few months. We have been apart for 2 weeks now and I’m struggling. I’m praying everyday and getting into the word, but not communicating with my wife is causing me to be so anxious and I just want to pick up the phone every day and call her. I’ve been told by many people to not smother her and let her have this space, which in theory sounds great, but I’m finding that part really hard.
Any advice from people would be so helpful. I’m so lonely over here and just need some guidance. Thanks!
(NIGERIA) I got married to my husband after courting for 1 year. Less than a year into the marriage, the physical abuse started. He gets angry and hits me at the slightest provocation. I moved out then. For a few days he apologized and we got back together after about 3 weeks. 6 months ago after another of many violent outbursts, I decided I had had enough and I moved out. We were not together for our 2 year anniversary.
We have since seen pastors who have advised us to get back together and work it out. He said he has been seeing a counsellor who is helping him with his anger management issues and wants me back. But I cannot live with his violent and domineering behaviour, and his constant family interference. I know that divorce should be the last option and that marriage is for better for worse, but I also know that that can only happen if you are alive. I want to do what’s right in the eyes of God, and I must admit I do not feel as strongly as I used to about him. I am just not too sure what to do? I would appreciate some godly advice.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi Tia,
Sorry to hear your husband is or has been abusive. It must be so hard for you to deal with with but never forget that God is working on you and your marriage. Pray for your husband and for God to change him.
The only advice I can give is if your husband wants to make it work, he must show to you that he is willing to do the work. Don’t rush to go back with him, use this next few weeks, months to see him in public places (i.e., restaurants, cafes, movies) where you can go on dates and you can test whether his motives are genuine and he can stick this through.
As for your feelings towards your husband, they are just feelings. Love is a choice and feelings follow where we allow our thoughts to go, so I’m not surprised your feelings are dwindling as your thoughts have probably gone along the lines of anger, hurt, dissapointment at your husband. If you want this to work, you must maintain a soft haeart towards your husband. Think about his good points, pray for him.
Hope this helps.
(CAN) No one is replying to my earlier post (because it’s too long I think) so here is a short questions I have:
What do you recommend be done to draw the line with your parents. I’ve done it, but husband is really behind in doing this with his parents. He doesn’t know how, tried talking and everything, but again they have now brainwashed him into belieiving that Canada is not a place you should go, despite it’s ranked top 10 in the world for “quality of life”, #10 for life expectancy, and Toronto (city where we’d go) is ranked #4 in the world for “quality of life”… How does he tell his parents that without “hurting their feelings”?
(USA) You have to make moving to Canada more appealing than not. If you can’t then you need to come to a solution that both you and he can enthusiastically agree on. Maybe that means you DON’T move to Canada. Or maybe you simply don’t see your in-laws as often. Instead of being focused on only one possible solution, the solution as I see it is for the two of you to start brain-storming solutions and finding one that you are BOTH enthusiastic about.
You are not enthusiastic about the status-quo, he’s not enthusiastic about moving to Canada. So what would make you enthusiastic about staying in Europe (IIRC) or what would make him enthusiastic about moving to Canada? Or is there some other solution that both you and he would mutually embrace?
(CAN) Thanks for the reply Tony- The thing is he and I agreed on everything, planned everything out. Everything is set, the money, in a few months his permanent residence status papers will be done too. Everything is taken care of from my side. He is scared (which he won’t admit) that if he leaves he is “done” with his parents and that they will never talk to him again. I have nothing against the muslim religion (which they are not) but they are acting like they are “worship family and allah, never marry out of love.” We married of course and out of love. His parents loved me… until it was clear to them that we’d be going to Canada (and they hate me now because I suggested that, as I’ve lived there since I was a little child).
About the brainstorming, I’ll have to hold that off as we are still “separated.” He went back to live in their house (yes, that’s how controlling they are). I will talk to him about this, but only once I figure out how to “get him back”, we’re in no contact past 3 days, don’t know how long that will last, but it’s the longest so far since we broke up almost a month ago. He want to “be friends but parents can’t know.” That’s a line a 15 year old child uses, as well as somone from a Muslim religion. I’m being serious. I was reading last night so many forums, they all have that in common. I just don’t understand why he’s choosing family over wife? Maybe he knows I’ll forgive him and “women come and go”, but we are married! I really don’t understand.
(UNITED STATES) Hello everyone, I have been reading almost all the posts and it made me feel that I should have hope again. My husband and I had been having problems for a year. We moved from another state to his home state and a few months after being there he changed, he started drinking and partying with his friends from work, during that time he met a girl that was 11 years younger and he loved the way she made him feel young.
After I found out about him talking to her, he decided it was a mistake and that he wanted our marriage to work out, so we went to counseling and decided to start a family. We were 5 years married then; after a couple of months I lost the baby and I ended up in a really bad depression that made me even fight with my mother-in-law that I love like my mother. After Christmas I found out that my father had a heart attack. He lives in another country. I was so depressed that I started drinking every day. One of those days I was still having an intimate life with my husband but I was so heart broken that he started to treat me bad with words and I didn’t understand why.
He asked me to leave and I did; I went to another state and when I was there I found out that I was pregnant again. I told him and he decided to move to the state where I was. Well, after 2 months he didn’t get there so he asked me to go back, which I did. After a while the verbal abuse started again and we had really bad moments. He was drinking again and spending a lot of time with his coworkers. He changed his phone number and didn’t give it to me and I was 4 months pregnant. For some reason he decided to try to work things out again but we were fighting too much and I was getting depress again, he asked me to leave again but not before we found out that we were having a girl. He didn’t want to let me go but at the same time he did so.
I bought my ticket and went back where I was before. After 1 month of being separated I found out that he has a girlfriend and he didn’t want to know anything about me. I got so depressed that I ended up in a mental hospital. Then when I decided to have a good relationship with him for my unborn child I found out that his girlfriend is his coworker and that she’s pregnant from him. My due date is Oct 5 and hers is Oct 7. Oh my God, my heart is broken in 1000 pieces. My husband decided to give himself the opportunity with her of raising their child and I’m here by myself finishing my pregnancy. He wants to work things out with her and wants to be involved with our child but he’s not going to make it to my child’s birth and I’m guessing it’s because of his girlfriend’s due date.
I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I want my child to be born so I can move on, but at the same time I want to believe that’s not his child and that maybe he will come back to his wife of 6 years and baby girl. I don’t know what to do, everybody tells me to forget about him and that something better will come, but is to hard for me to let go of my marriage and destroy my marriage. I do not want to get divorced and I’m not ready to let him go. He says that he loves me and always will, that we were going to grow old but we used to fight too much and now he needs to try with his girlfriend.
His mom is really upset and can’t imagine that he did this to me. He keeps telling me that he loves me and our child but he doesn’t want to be with me. All I want is for that child not to be his (I don’t want her to be punished, just that she made a mistake thinking that it was my husband’s) but he’s so into this relationship with her that he does know is his. I’m the one in denial and my mother-in-law and I keep praying the baby is not his. Please help me out, I’m praying a lot and specially against everybody wanting me to forget about him. I love him, I miss him, I don’t understand why we are going thru this. I love him with all my heart and we both always thought that we were soul mates; it’s just that the devil got between us and now this is happening. I just want him to realize what he had and hopefully come back to us one day. Please pray with me and my mother in law… More than happy to hear opinions from all.
(ILLINOIS US) My name is Lorrie my husband left me 19 months ago. My heart is still broken after all this time. There are days that I just don’t feel I can take the loneliness and rejection anymore. I don’t want a divorce but I’m struggling in what to do. My friends tell he has checked out and that I need to go on with my life but I want to make my marriage work. I try reminding him of our past life how much we once loved each other and I’m not proud sometimes beg him to come home. I need a support group to help me go on. Please let this be the place where God can use to keep me on the path. I believe I’m supposed to do wait on him to heal my marriage. Any advice?
(USA) Is your husband having an affair? Do you have children with him? Visit marriagebuilders.com and click on the forum for advice.
Try http://www.rejoicemarriageministries.org.
(U.S.) I didn’t realize how many people are hurting in their marriage. Society paints a picture that commitment is not a requirement in marriage and that is why I feel like so many marriages end. I have been married over 3 yrs. and it is hard work. The emotional pain I have endured has showed me that God is a sustaining and loving God. God loves us so much. Man or woman will disappoint, misuse and sometimes abuse us, but God is the only true lover of our souls. He wants us to have joy. We have to cast our cares upon him and not lean to our own understanding.
I know first hand what it feels like to be in a marriage and still feel alone. My husband is emotionally detached from me and it hurts. It has gotten so bad, I feel that he looks at me as a “chore”. I know that God made me right. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. He made no mistakes when he created all of us. Sometimes people don’t understand that grace has an end date. Those who have wronged us must reap the harvest of the seed they have sown. I pray for their mercy. My yolk is so heavy and God’s yolk is light. So I cast my cares on him. “My husband is God’s business now”. None of us has the power to change anyone’s heart, actions, thoughts or feelings. A person has to want to change. If we have done all we can do, we must stand (with God). I don’t know the future, but I do know that God is the alpha and omega in my life. I trust him fully. Hope this is encouragement for someone. -Sanora