The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) Hi. Me and my hubby dated straight for years before getting married young and beginning our family. In talking life visions and goals, we always matched up. We went on to have a total of 5 children, and have been married for 12 years. At some point in my life, I began to live out of extreme fear, and it affected everyone around me. It was not something I intended, but was the result of various situations in my life. It made my husband miserable and he tried several different ways to make me happy. However, we never tried professional marriage counseling. We tried to be good examples to our children, had family devotions and taught them things about life. And that with relationships, marriage is to be a one time event, lasting a lifetime. We used extended family as examples when we saw affairs rip apart relationships and homes.
But then just about 4 months ago, he left us. I have always been home with our children, even homeschooling them. Our youngest is still a nursing baby. In fact, just a couple of weeks before he abandoned us, he made love to me and told me he would always be here with me, and that if I got pregnant as a result that he would be so happy, just as he was with each of our other 5 babies. So when he left, I was literally waiting around to find out if I was pregnant with our 6th baby!
He said he left because he needed time to himself to think and pray about what to do next. One of my good friends caught him out late at night with another woman on the same night that he told me he’d be in a hotel that night just thinking. Turns out, the other woman was a co-worker who has never been friendly to me, never even made eye contact. So I always felt weird about her. Then he started spending ALL of his time with her and her friends, her children, while I’m busting tail back at home taking care of our 5.
He told me that he “didn’t leave me for her; he left because of our problems”. Oh, and that she was “just a caring friend”. And these are the lines he kept spewing to me when the topic would come up. Finally, I was able to nab his cell phone once and saw text messages from the 2 of them, and they were mushy gut-churning comments talking about how much they loved each other and taking every opportunity to compliment each other. Hurt and anger raged in my soul. I had been trying SO hard to figure out how to make him happy and was doing my best. I really think that he was having an affair with HER during this same time, as he barely noticed all the things I did for him.
He now tells me that he doesn’t know what he wants and that he feels like he’s doing what he needs to do right now. He has said he’s so so sorry for hurting me. He wants us to be friends because he genuinely likes me and wants this to be as good as possible for our kids sake. He has believed so many lies that it has changed who he is. Meanwhile, I am trying to pick up all the broken pieces while caring for our precious children alone. He sees them 2-3 evenings a week. He has to make time for the girlfriend, you know. Plus, I didn’t sign up for this separation, and have been adamant about not wanting to be separated from my children because I love them to death and they are my life.
Right now, I’m waiting on my husband to make the right choice to repent and return home. In the meantime, I have been allowing God to work in my heart. I’ve let go of most of my life fears and am finally living my life -doing things and going places and wearing fun clothes that I haven’t in YEARS. It’s been therapeutic, in a lot of ways. However, I can’t help but wonder how long my husband’s girlfriend will stick around? How long will I be waiting? This is so hard.
(USA) Your husband is in a wayward fog and will not do the right thing. He has poor boundaries around women which lead to his affair. You’ve had red flags of an affair for quite some time and it’s a good thing your friend saw him and told you, otherwise you would think he is still “taking time to himself to think”.
Your best hope of ending this affair is to expose it to all of your family, his family and married friends, your church. If it has anything to do in the workplace expose it there. And tell your children. You also need to find out who his affair partner is and expose to her family. Go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com and click on the forum for more help.
(PHILIPPINES) My husband told me he no longer loved me more than a year ago and that did not change since then. He left me twice already and tried to leave me two other times. The two times he left, he came back the next day because I begged him to. The one time he tried to leave convinced him not to go. If I would only think of myself I would allow him to leave because I can feel his pain and it is hurting me too that I was thinking of committing suicide to end all of the suffering. The fear that our 2-year old daughter will suffer from our separation kept me from letting him leave.
It is only after the last threat of separation did I raise our situation to God. I decided to hold on to our marriage and to ask forgiveness from God for my faults in our marital problems. I have forgave myself but I am still in the process of asking the strength and peace for me to be able to completely forgive my husband.
Until now, my husband is still in the dark and is asking for a 3-month separation after which we will see where our relationship will end up. I am confused about what to do. I’m praying to God to give me the clarity of mind and strength to accept what is destined to happen. I really want to save our marriage. God bless us all. I’m praying for all those who are also going through hard times in their marriage.
(KENYA) Dear Liz, It must be frustrating being in a relationship where you are the only one who seems to compromise. I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are going through. I am glad you are thinking this through before making such a big decision.
This can be an opportunity for you to focus on other things that make you happy, things that can build you up. Also remember to pray. My take, if you are still living together and he is not violent, don’t look at the act of loving and serving him as a burden, find joy in continuing to respect him, love him and pray for your family. And God will do the needful. Be Blessed.
(USA) Hi every one. My husband left me without any type of disagreement almost one month ago. He is with someone he met in facebook. We have a 4 year old daughter together. We’ve been married for 6 years. I am a stay at home Mom. He filed for divorce already but he didn’t serve me yet. I love him and he was a good father. I didn’t call him but he calls me sometimes to talk about money. He didn’t see my daughter for almost 2 weeks. I have proof he’s cheating on me. He hangs out every weekend with her. She has 3 kids.
I don’t know why I still pray to God for him to come home because he is not the person he was before. He never cheated on me before. He loved me and my daughter. But all of a sudden he has changed. I want everyone badly to pray. Please pray for me. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying every day because I never expected him to be changed like that. I’ve been in the USA for only 7 years. He is from America. I am from Gana.
(USA) He seems like a different person because people in affairs are in a “wayward fog”. They are like an addict on their drug. The best thing you can do is to stop talking to him, have no contact whatsoever and expose the affair to all of your family, her family and his family. Go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com and click on the forum. I only check here every few weeks.
(USA) God bless you Sara and I will pray. 21.5 years and 3 kids with a physically and emotionally abusive pseudo Christian husband and I caught him. He’s so sorry, doesn’t want to lose me. I begged him for all truth, which he swore to. I know him so well and know his next move as well as when he’s lying he even says it’s scary.
Then in a store 22 months after busting him, we meet a female from church. They both looked terrified. I knew. I asked him directly, he denied; I remained cool as a cuke. I aked him any emails or phone calls? Absolutely not, just spoke at church, then I emailed and asked her. They had many night time emails but she then felt he was getting inappropriate. Don’t believe it but God will bring it all out like that on His own time.
I do not want a man that has lied and cheated on me but he won’t leave. Claims he can’t live without me… yeah… and the people that do this to a marriage? Always dirty animals, WHICH GOD SAYS!! I will give references if anyone needs it. It is the work of the devil and he has no friends.
There is so much more to all of this and I feel that if he doesn’t get it right soon, God’s going to go to work. He thinks it too. I see the fear in his eyes. He just doesn’t want the rest out.
I do pray you get your heart’s desire, hold close to the LORD, He won’t let you down no matter how it feels at the moment. Love and prayers to you and your kids.
(UK) My husband and daughter didn’t get on and got worse as she got older he couldn’t live with her anymore so I moved out and got a house with my daughter and our daughter. I tried to make it work trying to be at his house and at mine. My husband suddenly turned round 3 wks ago and said he couldn’t do it anymore. Then he asked me back, slept with me and 2 days later left again. I miss him so much but he doesn’t seem to care. It hurts need some prayers.
(U.S.) Today, my husband packed his stuff and left. He asked me was this what I wanted. Sometimes you can go on, but not like that. He said, if he left we were getting a divorce. How do you tolerate lying, gambling away $1200.00 of the bill money, emotional detachment, drinking and God knows what else? So, I had a talk with my Heavenly Father. I chose to live and not die emotionally, physically, and financially die in that toxic relationship. Sometimes we are afraid to move into our destiny. I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt, because it does. I have cried, prayed and cried prayed some more. God will heal me everywhere I hurt. I wanted to share this with those who read this post, maybe my pain can help someone else learn to let go and let God. This was what I said to my Heavenly Father:
A Daughters Prayer:
Dear Father, today I knelt at your feet. I came to you with all my troubles, fears, hurts, desires and needs. I poured my heart out to you. I made my request known. Today I felt your presence. Today I felt your love. Today I felt your power. Today I felt what it truly means to be your child. Today you touched me like no one can. Today you open my eyes of understanding. Today you started repairing my broken heart. Today you revealed to me that everything was already all right. Today I called and your line was open. Today I learned what it meant to seek and find, to knock and the door be opened, to ask and it be given unto me. Today you reminded me I am never alone and you are always with me. Today Father God, I put on the whole armour that you gave me to wear and fight in. Today I took my Godly position. Today I found what I thought I had lost. Today I discovered your true peace. Today your daughter cried out and you heard; you answered and you sent your angels to fight my battle.
REMEMBER THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS IT IS THE LORD’S. AMEN…
(USA) I would like to thank you for the blessing I see right now. My wife is seeing another man at this present moment. We live in the same house but this has allowed me to understand I’m on the right path for my wife’s soul to allow God to work on her the way he needs to because of what I have done and allows me to work on my anger, bitterness and the problems I place on her. We can work on our differences with each other so one day we can become as one again in our marriage and be one in the body of the Lord. So thank you.
Funny, I was going thru the same thing a week ago. But, after I saw the “guy” waiting for her around the corner of our home I had enough! Told her what she was doing was wrong, a sin and disrespectful to our children and myself and I left. I made that decision because I was not going to continue to support her lifestyle. I love her more than anything. But this is unacceptable. I want to be with my family but this behavior has to be brought to the light. I did what you did for over a month now. But I had enough. When she gets right with the Lord and comes back clean, humble and asking for forgiveness, that is when I will take the steps necessary to reconcile our relationship. Till then I will continue to seek Gods face and pray for her salvation.
(USA) My husband of 10 years told me 14 days ago that he’s fallen out of love with me. We have 2 children that are 8 and 5 who he adores. I had no clue. He used to love me so intensely. He says I am wonderful and do nothing wrong but he can’t help how he feels. He won’t go to counseling bc “there’s nothing to fix”. I told him you have to WORK at keeping love and marriage strong. He disagrees and thinks it should just be there and be constant. I am a believer and think deep down he isn’t.
He left a week ago and I pray God is bringing him to his knees so he will turn to him. I just spoke with him today and he is adamant about his feelings and I am becoming hopeless. We’ve had financial troubles and job issues but who hasn’t? He also refuses to believe that he may be depressed bc of job/finances and lumping those feelings in. I pray incessantly but am so sad for our family. He says there is no one else and he has been hiding his lack of love from me for over a year! So horrible to hear these words…
(NIGERIA) Today makes it 3 years since I have been married, my husband left me because he found out I smoke. We have been separated for 2 months now; we have no children yet. He called me barren and abused my family. I care about my husband a lot but his family doesn’t want me. His brother told him I smoke, not like he caught me. Now he wants a divorce. I am so confused. We have not spoken since I left. He is not taking my calls and he said he has made up his mind.
(USA) Did he not ask you to try to quit or offer some kind of help? If not, I think it’s just an excuse, besides you cannot hide smoking from anyone other than another smoker.
I did it for 21 year and quit when the Lord saved me. I’ve been without since 97 and I feel sick to my stomach when I smell it on someone but the smell of one burning is a good smell once in a while.
I think he had other reasons or was looking for a way out if he hasn’t tried to help you. I know none of this eases your pain and I’m really so sorry. As with all of us here, we can only offer prayers and sincerely do it.
(CANADA) My husband left me and my 15 month old 2.5 months ago. He went away on an army posting and basically when it was time to come home he said he needed time to think and heal. He had been watching other couples while he was away and felt that we just became roommates. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. He spend 6 weeks after that lying about his whereabouts to me, his family and my family.
I started to receive emails and phone calls from other women telling me they’d had encounters with him, which he denies to this day. I suspected he was spending time with one of his coworkers. He would deny he even knew who she was and just knew her as someone in his office. Eventually I found a parking ticket in his car and searched the address on the web and confirmed it was her residence. I listened in to his voice messages three ago and confirmed that he is in a relationship with her. He denies that it’s physical and says that’s she’s been an emotional support to him.
He never calls me or texts me anymore, not even to ask about our son. He’s left me broke financially as I am a stay at home mom and tells me things like, I should apply for welfare and food stamps.
I am burned out emotionally, physically mentally you name it. I’ve lost 22 lbs in two months, have anxiety attacks all the time and need sleeping pills to sleep at night. I feel paralyzed in place, unable to make any decisions. I pray as much as I can. But lose faith easily. I almost wish he would just come home and take my pain away, but instead he acts as if I don’t exist and dont matter and never shared good moments.
Please pray for me and my baby that I find the strength to put my fate in God and believe in miracles. I just don’t know how I’m going to recover from this. I’m glad to have found this forum. I’m sad to see his many of us are suffering, though.
Gabriel I just read this and my heart sank, how are you doing?
(AUSTRALIA) I was married for 24 years and sadly I have decided to end our marriage just over a week ago. During our time together, I have struggled with my husband being selfish and self-centered. Everything always revolved around him. He must have the best of everything. I have made allowances for all these behaviours as we have 5 children. The last straw though came when he went overseas for what I thought was a holiday to de-stress from work. However, what he told me he was going to do and what he did were two different things. He did not cheat on me but he might as well. It’s a clash within our culture. For me, lack of trust and respect and betrayal means I have to love myself and its time to move on. I have talked to my children, aged 9-23 and they just want me to be happy.
I am at peace with my decision and I pray to God to give me the strength to move forward in life as I feel I deserve better. Please pray for me and my children.
(USA) I have been married for 3 yrs… I have 2 children who are teenagers and NOT my husbands. I have separated from my husband twice. The first time I told him to leave because I felt he was not doing anything to better our family. I have been in hurtful relationships prior to getting married and I was also alone for almost 10 yrs with my 2 children. (I dated but nothing serious.) When I first met him something inside of me was telling me “don’t do it” he is not for you etc… and I think while we dated I may have broken up with him 15 times… there was just something not sitting well with me. At first I thought it was fear being that I’d been through so much… but I finally said I will get married.
He is a good man… we just have different goals different views of life. I was a HS drop out but went back to nursing school 16 yrs later so I really worked hard to provide for my kids as a single mom. I busted my tail. It has always been me and my kids. Where he was ok where he was at in life, living in someone’s basement.
Anyway, after our 1st separation we tried again and still the same things… no communication. We both attend the same church, which makes it so difficult for me!!! This last time he decided to leave, he said he couldn’t take it anymore, the constant arguing etc. so I let him leave. It has been over 1 yr since we lived together (separated) and we tried talking, tried to see if we can work something out and we just keep disagreeing on almost everything.
Right now he is going about his life. He doesn’t even ask to see if we are ok or if we ate or have food… nothing. He hangs out with all the youth/young adults in our church. It’s almost like he needs to be the center of attention alllll the time. This has pushed me away from going to church… it has NOT pushed me away from Christ. It’s just so difficult feeling that everyone is on his side. He is more outgoing, extra loud, where I am more reserved. I feel like the church is on his side cause they see him there more. I am still trying to figure out if what I am feeling is anger or I just don’t have any feelings for my husband. I mean I care for him but I have never had that “loving feeling” attraction, that googly butterfly feeling. So I question if I even love him. He is very immature and I am not attracted to men who play video games etc. I’m just so confused. I want to make the right decision… should I get divorced? Then I have to see him at church. Or am I supposed to try because God hates divorce? Any advice?
(USA) Lucinda, You are in a difficult situation, but I believe there are things you can, and should, do. The first is to find a good Christian counselor that you can talk with honestly. This person could help you sort out your feelings, and help you better determine what to do. Next, I would encourage you to get the two Stormie Omartian books, and begin praying through them. They are: The Power of a Praying® Wife
and Praying Through the Difficult Issues of Marriage. Even if you don’t feel like you are seeing results, keep praying. There are prayers for you, as well as for your husband. God will be working on both of you. There is also another excellent book that may help you: A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage
. This book has many practical tools on communication and conflict, as well as information on God’s definition of love.
(USA) Hi I’m Sue. I’m 23 years old; I got married to my husband on Sept 12 2011. I married him because I wanted to help him gets his green card and I fell in love in the process. When I got married I heard A LOT of gossip saying he just wanted that from me and had asked many other girls. I’d hold a grudge, he would cry and say he does but I was confused and started to drink heavy and not respect him.
He always stayed quiet, he paid my bills and took care of me. Sometimes I’d feel bad the way I treated him. He had an affair with another girl because I pushed him away. He says we could try changing. I couldn’t stop drinking. One day I came home real late… was drunk because I felt lonely when I was with him or not. I felt neglected with no attention so I sought alcohol. I come home and fight and bring his past up about an ex he had. We fought physically and I went back to my parents. I feel so bad.
We’ve seen each other twice and had relationships but as soon as I thought things will get better in time I found out he went back to his ex, the one I always brought up. He says she doesn’t fight, she’s nice. In 2 weeks of separtion he did this and broke my heart. I felt like I knew it all along but I don’t know what to do. I love him, but we both hurt each other and cheated on each other.
I feel like if I knew the word of God back then my marriage would have been better. Now that I’m separated, I’m reading the Bible but I still feel like it’s over. I need hope and prayers because everyone says to move on, he doesn’t love me and never did. I confronted him today about his ex and he said they’re not together –they’re friends and he said he loves me. We need space.
(USA) Hello, I ask all of you to pray for me and my family. I have been married for 14 years. On april 11th It will be 15. I have a fourteen year old daughter, a twelve year old son, and a beautiful wife. I was laying in the bed with my wife having a conversation, when out of the blue she said that she was leaving. She told me that she has been approved for a townhouse and she was leaving at the end of this month. My wife had a troubled childhood and at times she has always been distant.
I figured this was another one of her moments. She complains that I am not home enough with her and she is lonely. I work 50 miles from my home and it takes me over an hour each way to travel to work, and my job usually works 11 hours daily. I work very hard to be a provider for my family, I thought that is what husbands were suppose to do, and now she wants to leave. She said that she needs time to find herself. Whatever happened to working your problems out within the home? Whatever happened to for better or for worse? Please send your suggestions on what I should do.
(USA) Wow Troy! I am in the same boat! In September, my wife just texted me out of the blue and said she was never going to talk to me again. When I spoke to her, she told me she needs to find herself. Wow! The kids have not seen her since September at all. She has not attempted to reach out to them and refuses to speak to me at all. She has stopped going to our church and ignores everyone who we know that tries to reach out to her. She has left me with all of the bills and acts as though we never existed. We have been together for 11/12 years and married going on 4 years. She had a rough childhood too due to her mother being schizophrenic. I think she has attachment disorder. This is SO painful. Here one day and gone the next. I am speeechless.
(USA) I have the same situation on my hands. It came out of the blue. After a lot of research I found out that the reason is likely due to hormones, which erode due to peri-menopause. Read about Hormone Replacement Therapy and see if she will be willing to get help and possibly to return to you.
(USA) I have read this article and some posts. Separation is extremely difficult. My wife left me almost four weeks ago now. We have 2 toddlers and our 5th anniversary is next month. Though, this last four weeks has been an extreme eye-opener about things in my part off the marriage, I still have no idea why she left. She will not communicate with me other than “when are you going to come see the kids?” She moved to her parents house 3 hours away and got a job there. She says she is not “ready” to discuss our relationship issues. She will not even go to counseling or marriage seminars. The thing is, I am not sure what she wants. She secretly had planned leaving me, with her parents, for a while, while I thought things were going well. She even said “God told her to leave me” and wasn’t even planning on telling me she was going to leave. (I found out from someone else). My question would be, how long should I give her? Will she really come to me or is she just secretly planning the “d” word and afraid to approach me about anything? These are just some of the things going on in my mind. It is extremely difficult as I am the emotional person and she is not in the relationship. I pray and fast regularly and deep down don’t think she wants divorce, yet I know she has sought legal aide. I just personally am tired and would hope this ends soon. I personally don’t feel I can go much longer. My health conditions (heart and stomach) have gotten worse because of this. I have been allowing God to work in me the best I can, to which He has made some tremendous changes, but I want to have the opportunity to show her, through my actions, what God is doing. Should I just straight ask her if she is planning on ending us or should I just let what ever is going to happen happen? I believe God is the restorer of all things and doesn’t want divorce, but also know He doesn’t push the heart of man or woman, so essentially she is going to do what she wants anyway.
Thoughts?