The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(UNITED STATES) I am a 70 yr old woman who looks 55. My husband just turned 76 2 months ago. About 2 months about he came home and he said we needed to separate after 45 yrs of marriage. It just came out of the blue. He moved into a studio apt. He retired from his IRS job 3 yrs. ago. I found an e mail that he wrote to a former employee a woman 55. He said she was his friend. I called this woman and she said they are just friends. He keeps secrets from me and I found out that he has prostate problems which I knew nothing about. I am angry hurt and frustrated. How do I deal with this situation?
(USA) Thank you for this post, it makes me so happy to know things worked out for you the way they did. My husband left me and my four children 3 yrs ago. Said he needed to start fresh and felt trapped at home. He decided to move out, so the children and I moved to a different city. I even began a job elsewhere to give him as much space as needed.
1 month ago he came home wanting to try again and we were more than happy to welcome him home. Life seemed to be great. I felt blessed to have our family together once more. Unfortunately, last night he decided he was not happy and needed to leave. He said he felt horrible leaving me after all he had put me through before. He said he loves me so much, but just needed to fix his life. He packed up his belongings and I watched him leave me once more.
(USA) My husband and I have been on and off for 9 years and married for 4. We have 4 children (2 together and 2 I have from a previous relationship). The on and off has continued into our marriage. We have been constantly arguing even before we got married. Yet, we got married all the same. Anytime we argue, mostly about little things, he is ready to get up and leave. In the beginning, I used to beat him to the punch and tell him to get out because I already knew what was coming. I used to think that he would try and pick fights with me so that he could have an excuse to leave so he could go and do whatever it was that he had planned to do. I do not really know, it was just the way I felt.
As time went by, it seems like it has gotten worse because any little thing such as if I do not let him drive my car he will leave. When we argue, I admit sometimes I say hurtful words to him. I guess I do so in order for him to feel how I feel. But when I say these things he acts as though his world is falling in. When he says hurtful things to me such as comparing me to his relative’s wives, I am suppose to take it. He doesn’t see any wrong in nothing he does. Everything is my fault, let him tell it. He even says I made him marry me. My reply to him is “Well if I can make you marry me, why can’t I make you do right by me?”
He does not do anything for our family (the kids or me). He does not spend time with us because he is always gone every chance he gets and only comes back home when it’s time to go to bed. By that time, it’s time to go to sleep and he wants to talk, play, and etc. He gets mad with me when I say no, it’s time for me to sleep. He spends more time with his sisters, father, and who knows than he does with us. Anyway, I apologize for rambling I just have so much emotion trapped inside and have no one to talk to that truly understands my pain unitl everything just comes out in a ramble. (I guess I am just so excited I found this site!)
We both had jobs but it seems as though I was the only one paying the bills. He would get paid every week compared to my every 2 weeks. When it would be time for him to go back to work, he would not have money to do so. On top of me paying all the bills, I was providing his way to work as well while he did what he wanted with his money which at the time consisted of him buying alcohol and riding up and down the road spending money like he was balling. Eventually, he left me and went to his mother’s house. We would talk occasionally and I would attempt to discuss our problem. Despite me feeling like I was doing too much for him, he would say that I did not do anything for him. This lead our conversations to go no where. So the kids and I stayed in the house by ourselves.
One day, I found out that I needed to have surgery. I didn’t bother to tell him because I felt like he didn’t care anyway. So I had my surgery and the kids and I moved back in with my mother so she could help out while I healed. While I was getting well, I get a call from his supervisor saying that my husband wanted me to come to the hopital because he had had an accident at work. (Imagine my surprise, he was calling the one he said that doesn’t do anything for him.) I went and cared for my husband as much as I possibly could. As time went by, I extended my leave from work to care for him partially and also because the job was stressful anyway. I ended up losing the job.
He and I both were home with each other more often then. Everything was fine at first. I was happy and I thought he was too. Then, the on and off started again. He would say things like I put him out so that I could move in with my mother when that was simply not the case. He left me. Then he started having an issue about staying with my mother. He would say that he does not want to stay there and then he would leave. A couple of days, sometimes weeks would pass and then he would come back and I let him. Over and over again. I told him if he was not satisfied staying with my mother (I wasn’t either) that the kids and I would go any place he took us. He would just stand around looking dumb founded then I guess looking for another excuse.
The last and final straw: A little over a month ago, my husband came home about 1:00 a.m. (mind you, he doesn’t work right now) it was a school night, everyone was asleep and he comes in disturbing everyone making noises, talking loud, etc. like he didn’t have a care in the world. He asked me did I save him any food. I replied no because I’m used to him not being here throughout the day and figure he must eat wherever he’s at since he stays gone all day into the night. We got into a slight argument over this, he cooked him something to eat as I went back to bed. Later, he came to me and apologized saying he started in with me because he was just hungry.
So the next day, one of his cousin’s came up outside to visit him. A few seconds later, he came into the house to tell me that he was going to the store to get some cigarettes. He looked towards the closet and made a step towards it, but went on out the door instead. Something inside me told me then that he was not coming back. Low and behold, he did not and have not been back to stay since then. At first, he would call me every other day or so and I would speak to him briefly and politely. As the days passed, I got to thinking why do I have to play nice and try and cater to him by talking to him when he wants to talk. He was never there for me or our kids when we needed him or just wanted to be with him. So I blocked all of his calls. Three weeks passed then he comes knocking at the door. I got up to close and lock the door then he starts asking about his clothes. I told him that I burnt them up and do not come here any more. Later that night, he began texting me telling me things like I have never looked that pretty before that I must have somebody else. He also threatened me telling me to lock my doors and my windows. I told him that I have no one but God and my children. That maybe God will one day send me who is for me. He kept saying that it was him. Until his actions and God shows me otherwise, I just don’t see that as being true. (I forgot to mention that he’s a compulsive liar also. He lies about anything and calls them jokes! It is hard when you do not know when to believe what comes out of your spouse’s mouth.)
He popped up about 3 days ago and demanded we open the door. When we didn’t, he mentioned that he wanted his clothes and that I had 5 minutes to open the door and if I didn’t he would contact the police. The police showed up and I let him look for his clothes, he didn’t find any. I let the police read the text he sent and the police said that if he comes back that I could file criminal trespassing charges against him. He hasn’t been back yet but I do not want to talk him up. However, he has been going to my grandmother’s house talking with my uncle. My uncle told me the other day that he was asking about me and he told my uncle that I won’t talk to him, answer my phone, or the door when he comes. My uncle said that he was pitiful and that in so many words, he wants to come back home. I told my uncle that you can’t put words in people’s mouths. That until his actions showed me otherwise that I just couldn’t do it because he promised me the last time when I let him came back that he was not going to leave us again and he did the first chance he got, over nothing.
I love my husband, but I also love my kids and myself too. Despite how much it hurts to not have him here, it hurt more when he was supposed to be here and wasn’t. Every day is a constant struggle to do the basic things like get out of the bed and etc. But I make do with the Lord’s help. I will not let my husband know my struggles though. What gets me is I wonder why is it that I hurt so much and am closing myself out of life when he’s going on and living his. Time and prayer does heal all wounds. I am not there yet but some days I do know that it’s just a matter of time. I contemplate divorce, but deep down I do not want one, I just want my husband and for him to do right by us. All the prayers and kind words I can get will definitely be appreciated. If there is anyone on here that would like to keep in contact on a regular basis on here so that we can help each other stay sane during a trying time such as this please feel free to do so. Again, sorry for the long post I just had so much bottled up but trust me when I say that this long post isn’t half of it. May God bless each and every one of you and keep you safe!
(KENYA) Hi, there. I am a Kenyan woman married for two years which has been difficult due to my husband cheating, abuse, and lack of financial help. Four days ago I decided to move with our 10 month old baby girl and settle without him in my house. But after I read these articles I feel more encouraged to wait on the Lord during this time, and to be patient. As you pray please remember me also.
(USA) I believe that a lot of you saw no fault in what you did in treating the other person badly. In fact you blame the separation on them, which if someone isn’t happy anymore why pretend you are? I’ve been through it. I have a daughter from a failed relationship with her mom but I use failed loosely, because it wasn’t a failure. We both achieved having our beautiful 4 yr old daughter from it all. Yea, love hurts and maybe next time you can look at what you’re doing to the other person while your doing it to the other person instead of after and stop blaming him or her because you have just as much fault in a failed marriage or relationship as anyone.
I’m sorry but these are things I had to realize for myself also! But being split up doesn’t mean you can’t successfully raise your children peacefully and together because it takes two! Hate fuels fights, remember that. And once hate sets in it’s very hard to erase it because one out of the two usually always ends up carrying that hate with them. It’s like a cancer. In that fact it eats away everything good a couple has ever been through and replaces it with all bad!
(USA) I see only a few men posting, I have an unfaithful wife who has said some pretty bad things to me as far as telling me she cared more for him then me, he’s the love of her life, hurtful things, and to this day will still say things to get under my skin. I’m seeking a divorce but she’s being difficult. I really don’t see us being together anymore. I’ve asked her if she still talks to him and she says no then gets mad and says she does but only says it because she’s mad! I don’t trust her and can’t get her to understand it’s over! Can’t afford a divorce, disabled and legal aid won’t help, stuck and trying to get out!
(USA) Scott, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul. Lean not onto your own understanding. Ask God to open your eyes to the truth and to reveal inside of you what He wants to change. He will make you the Godly man you were created to be. Allow God to change your wife. Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce. He created man and women for each other. We are to love God with all our heart and to love our neighbors as ourselves. This means to love our spouses unconditionally. Love the person, but hate the sin. If you love Christ, you will love your wife. If you can’t afford a divorce, perhaps God is speaking. Praying for you brother!
(KENYA) My husband and I have been separated for 3 months now. He was a man of God…feared God and was even involved in ministry when we got married 4 years ago. Now, he’s a different man. Parties and drinks all weekend and is not supportive of us at all. He’s become disrespectful and has a don’t care attitude. I am partly to blame for his fall, I never offered him enough support when he tried to be a priest in our home. I still believe that God will turn-around things in His time. I will be still and know that He’s Lord. I will give a testimony right here when that time comes. In the meantime I am taking care of our two children and am expecting another. God bless and be filled with hope.
I had an affair on my husband and he left me 6 months ago. I came to know Jesus in March and have been changing ever since. At first my husband promised we would do counseling and would figure this out and get through it together some how. He slowly drifted away from me and is now seeing someone else. It kills me but I know that I deserve it because of what I did to him.
I want to make this marriage work so bad and God has been showing me many areas where I need to correct. He says he is saved but is just back slidden right now. He asked me seriouly what to do? When I offered my help to come back to the Lord he refused. I am confused because even though he is with someone else he still gives little hints in his actions or talk that he would like this marriage to work. I want to trust God in this but it is hard because it looks like things may change and then very quickly it goes back again. I need lots of prayer and some helpful advice. Please do not respond if you are negative, I do get enough of that already… please pray for us.
I was with my girlfriend almost ten years. We had not married because of my lack of commitment. I thought I did not want to be commited to her. But as soon as she departed the relationship, I realized the FOOL I had been, And the heartache and feeling is utter devastation. I KNOW if God gives me a second chance I would not continue to do things my way but HIS. I am soooo miserable and I will be praying for those who have posted on this site. Please pray for me. Her name is Carol.
I have been married for 13 yrs and have 2 boys. 10 months ago, I found out my husband was having an affair, and when I confronted him, he decided to move in with her. I am on rejoiceministries.com, and believe God is working on our marriage and will restore us, but I am having so much difficulty.
My main problem is my husband has blamed the breakdown of our marriage on my mother whom we have stayed with most of our marriage. She is still staying with me, as neither of us is employed, and we cannot find another solution. My husband says I have chosen my mother as my husband, despite me telling him on several occasions that I would never do that, and he has shown no inclination of wanting to leave the OW.
A recent conversation with my in-laws has made me feel like if my mother was not with me, there could be a chance (although I am wary because they have never seen eye to eye with her).
My relationship with my mother has discintegrated to the point that we cannot seem to have a civil conversation. At this point, if there were an option for her to move out, regardless of the effect on my husband, I would take it.
My husband has commented to a mutual friend that he doesn’t think I respect him as a man, and I do not know how to show him this is not the case.
I see my husband at least once a week, and don’t know if I should talk to him and what to say, or if I should just shutup. Please help. Any advice would be so so appreciated.
Hi B, your marriage is very important, especially because of your children. You seem to not be very happy, neither is your relationship with your mom working out well. It is very important to pray and allow God to speak to your heart and give you courage to do the right thing.
Ask your husband to come back. You may want to build an outside room for your mom, or put her up in a shelter, where you can still support her. You can still love and support your mom, but without your husband it would be difficult to build your life and that of your children. Since both of you are not working, your husband is your source of support…including for your children as well. God is with you and will continue to help you. Shalom
Hi, I have been married 16 years. I have two children with my husband. He left us a week ago because he’s not happy and I’m not happy. I said to him I haven’t been happy for a while because of all the bad things he said about me that I could not accept. It hurt me deeply not only once but more. I have just lost trust in him. He still sees the children and will support me, the kid’s school fees, and everything the kids need. He also said to me he will still continue paying the mortgage and all the bills while the house is not sold yet.
Two days later I ring him and said I need to talk to you so I know where I stand; so we did. I asked him if he’s 100% sure he wants a divorce. His responce was yes; we’re getting a divorce. He told me he doesn’t love me any more but he loved me when he married me. I got so angry with him and was upset and I didn’t say a word; I just froze. I still love him even though he says bad things about me. But I am not 100% happy. If he ever asked me to get back together I don’t know if I could trust him again. Five days later I ring all my in laws and told them the reason so they could hear my side. After talking to them I feel happy and feel relief.
I know right now you are in so much pain, you feel hurt, betrayed, and angry towards your husband. First af all pray to God to heal your heart, and to provide you with a forgiving heart. Through the marriage years we tend to keep all the little or big offenses our partner has done to us and forget to forgive and so we develop a resentful heart and become bitter, being defensive at anything our husband says or does and sometimes even revengeful. (Ephesians 4:26-27: In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.)
When you got married, it was God who joined the 2 of you together (Matt 19:6: So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate). If you give up on your marriage now, not only will you suffer, but your children and someday the children of your children. Do not let what he says or does affect you more. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). I’ve been where you are, and let me tell you it hurts so much, and it’s not that easy, but have faith that God will heal yours and your husband’s hearts. Remember God commands us to forgive if we want to be forgiven.
I understand that. My wife cheated on me and is 2 months pregnant with another child’s baby. I’ve been a good husband to her. I supported her through her health scare, school, sacraficed for her and I love her. What do you do when your wife isn’t being the wife that God wants her to be? I’ve stayed and try to fight for the marriage but do you stay when you aren’t getting what you deserve?
Pray and put it in Gods hands. I know the feeling of betrayed. Keep praying!
I’ve been separated for 3 months after 12 years of marriage. My husband wasn’t happy and wanted out. We had been having issues. This is second marriage for us both. I’m so truly devastated. I don’t know day to day how I even cope. Some days I am ok then I crash hard. I cry all the time. I cry on the phone to him and have begged and pleaded. I don’t understand how someone can just throw another away. Not only me but my children who he was such a big part of their lives, and the Grandchildren. He walked away from them too.
I would give my right arm to have him back. He was my soul mate. I just need some help to cope with it all and I don’t know how to get it. I see a therapist and am going to go to a support group next month. I know he was so in love with me at one time. I just pray he finds that love again.
Good afternoon, I’ve been separated from my husband for about 3 months now and it does hurt so bad. I Also find myself crying and breaking down. I’m not sure what will come of us but I want him back dearly. We were not happy for sometime before the separation but I have hope that we are one again. We rarely talk to each other and he’s advised me he has a special friend that he’s been spending time with. I’ve accepted this because I have no choice. I just hopes this time from his family makes him realize what he’s lost.
Hi, my husband left nearly 2 yrs ago for another woman. We are married for 13 yrs together for 19 yrs. I was pregnant with our 3rd child when he left. He was a good man. 2 months ago we talked, he told me he loves us, and will be coming home soon and that he just needs a little more time to fix things. I dont understand why he can’t come home and what things he needs to fix. I feel hurt but I love him and want my family back. He keep on telling ne he loves us and will come home.
Hello: I have been married over a year now. It was an arrange marriage as per the Indian Hindu culture. I knew that gal only a few months before the marriage. Our marriage was going good, suddenly due to some problem at my place (where I live with my younger siblings and mother) there were clashes between us, as I was eldest and had to face the problem. I lost my temper and one day I broke out on my wife in an argument as she had been constantly nagging me about the problem at my place. She left my home, went to her parents place. I had to convince her for 4 months, after which she came back.
After she came back, we opted to stay isolated from my family. We had quarrels in our day to day life, but they were normal. She used to abuse me whenever we had big fights, she abused me, distrusted me, said I had an affair outside, which I never had. Her abuse increased day by day. But when few days passed, we became normal. I didn’t care much about the abuse. We both partied, drank together, loved roaming places. Suddenly last week, when I had been out for party with my friends and came back home (she knew I was gonna have drinks) and the next day I was to visit my inlaws for casual meet. So I bought some sweets for them. Seeing that, she again started abusing me. I thought of not getting into a fight and went to my bedroom and slept. She came over there, and started again with her verbal abuse about me, my family, my character and so on. Later she went out in living room and started calling my friend, why I drink and all… I kept the phone but her abuse was continuing. I lost my temper and I slapped her 10-15 times on her face and shoulder. She left the immediate day to her parents and doesn’t want to come back. She is asking for divorce now. It was my anger which came out that day, due to her abusive words. But I love her a lot, how can I keep from losing her. When I try to contact her, she doesn’t recieve my call, nor her parents speak to me. I am helpless.
Hi Anand, reading your first paragraph made me wonder if it was my husband who had posted this, but no. I was in the same state as your wife would have been in the first year of your marriage. I am married for 1.5 years now. I was living with my husband in US for a year and it was one of the worst years of my life.
The reason your wife is always abusive could be because she is in need of help, emotionally. Listen to her, be there for her. Talk to her, don’t just shut yourself up if you do so. I understand you can not make everything easy for her but let her know you are there for her and will do anything that it takes to make her happy.
I definitely appreciate your effort for getting her back the first time but losing your temper and harassing her? I hope you are good man and will do her right. If she is running away from you and picking a fight without any reason it simply means she is not content living with you and that she is not happy.
I’ve been with my husband for seven years and been married a year and a half. Most of the time we’ve been off and on apart and now as of this year 2014, we’ve not been together since April. He doesn’t call to check on me or anything. I’m so upset with myself because I knew that this man was not going to be right with what so ever. But I loved him and had his back in every way. When we married I did it in the name of Jesus, not to be taken for a joke. I never thought in a million years that I would have gotten married. So many people were shocked because I did and I felt like that because I never wanted to go through what I’m going through now.
I feel so sad. We both played a part in the separation. I feel like I lost my best friend in the whole world and maybe he feels the same. I want what ever is going to go down to happen already. I’d rather we stay or go; I need to know so we can both move on with our lives. It’s only fair one way or the other.