The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
My husband recently came clean and told me that he had an affair. After the anger and hurt subsided, I told him I could forgive him and that we could work out the problems that led up too the affair. He told me that he didn’t think I could change even though I have already begun the process. He told me that he needs time away to think and to find out if he still loves me or not. I feel like my life is on pause and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I love him and I’m not ready to give up, but waiting like this is torture, and I don’t know how long I can actually hold out…what do I do??
Lord I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 24 years. I believe he is my soul mate although he left me 6 almost 7 yrs ago and got with another as I did the same not one day passed that he didn’t cross my mind wishing the one I was with was actually my husband we are both single now I do not want a divorce. I said vows in front of u Lord to be with him forever our time was shorted my heart US in his how do u win him back.
My husband of over 20 years recently left telling me simply “I’m done.” He has also left behind 2 beautiful children. I don’t know where he is living, but he comes by our home almost daily. I allow him to come in as if he still lives there only because of our children. He moved very few items out of our home. I am left to look at his personal things, the photographs of happier times, etc. It is emotionally draining but I have to keep up a strong front for our children. The children are angry at him and refuse to go places with him, or stay overnight in his new place. Instead of sitting down and talking as a family when he left, he chose to simply stop coming home at night. I fear the damage to myself and our children is more massive than we can imagine. He refuses any counseling as a couple. I am unable to afford counseling for the children without his financial assistance and he will not discuss it. He is our main financial provider in the home. I fear we will lose our home, and everything very soon. I am a Christian and my faith has been tested so much by this event and other recent events in my life. I am getting weaker. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I have tried praying for our marriage, our family and even for his salvation. But at this point, I am no longer able to pray. I am just too discouraged and unable to come up with the words in pray. I hate to admit it, I am a little angry at God right now. I am a good person. I go to church, I volunteer at the schools, I volunteer at charity events, I live a good life. Why did this happen to a good person? I have always put God first and I have always loved my family to the fullest.
I’m so happy to be delighted with this site… I know God is good all the time.
My wife of 11 yrs kicked me out 3 years ago with not much more of a reason than’you sleep too much’, ‘I love you but I’m not… ‘, We’ve grown apart’, and ‘I know you’ve never deliberately hurt me but I’m very hurt.’ I’ve tried everything I could find to save my marriage but she doesn’t respond to anything! She filed for divorce a year ago & we are in mediation now. My princess is slipping away from me but I want her back so bad. I read your example of the 3 year separation & it gave me hope. I’m positive, motivated & try to include the lord as much as possible in my life. I don’t know what to do next!
Yes my husband threw me out. Three years ago for no reason, I gave him everything he wanted and loved him unconditionally. He started an Internet affair when we were to become grandparents for the first time and his father died in 2013. I do not know where he is and he won’t communicate with me at all. He has my cell phone blocked living with another woman but has my apartment phone open so I can call him and leave him messages and he can call me? He left his entire family, friends, job, wife, man toys, everything behind while he is running. Thanks the grass is greener on the other side. I have been in a three-year Stanford my husband Mary 10 years together five. I shall pray for you also as I always pray for my husband. I have been trying to come to terms with what he’s doing he’s doing the opposite of everything that he was against. May God bless us all to get off of this midlife crisis ride.
Me and my husband have been separated for almost 3 weeks. I feel so hurt and lonely. We’ve known each other for 6 years now and have been married for a year. He says he is not coming come until he see a change in me. He wants us to see a marriage counselor; he doesn’t text me or call me he. He just wants to be around our son, but not me. I am really scared he might start dating someone else. I am going crazy trying to figure this out.
I hope and prayed to God, that yes it has been a long five years without my husband but I know now after reading this article that only God will bring him back into my life…
I have been separated for three years from my husband with no reason after his Father passed away. He abandoned his whole family and his wife for no reason, no communication, living a double life with an Internet woman four hours away. I gave him everything he wanted, worked two jobs, loved my family! Gone abandoned, everything and everybody. Almost three year mark. The pain is nothing as I have felt before! He has no remorse or admits a mistake. Won’t return home keeps saying not now. And is acting like a teenager. I think buying the sports car would be less damaging! Doesn’t answer the phone. Married long time, started as a Internet affair, never saw it coming. Walked away from friends, wife, kids, everything.
My wife of 28 years marriage and 5 years of dating has left me. Came home one day and told me she is moving out, needs some time away and space. I have honored her request. My wife is also going through menopause and I have been under God’s power and my will to stop drinking for the last 18 months sober. I was not having an affair, I was not spending or money gambling, I was not a raging alcoholic, guy who liked a couple beers after squash match or watching the game.
She told me she needs 6 months and she will make a decision to come back or leave for good. Said we have become lazy in our marriage toward each other. I guess my question is should I communicate with her and how much? It has been 2 months now. Thanks, Soupy
Soupy, I hate to say it but something’s up. If you “have become lazy” in your marriage, then you just stop being lazy. You become intentional, like you did when you dated, and you keep being intentional so you can grow or regrow the relationship into a good one. It will grow once again.
Yes, you should communicate with her. You need to win her back. You can’t do it by staying quiet. Don’t be pushy, but don’t be quiet either. Don’t forget about the girl… go win the girl. Here is a YouTube video that humorously gets that point across: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuIBZEOhZOw and here is another that we have posted on our web site (in case you are romantically challenged): https://marriagemissions.com/romantically-challenged-the-skit-guys/. Go get the girl. Try to win her back and keep winning her.
I am a 39 year old man, My wife has separated from me and wants a divorce. We have 2 beautiful children, 11 and 8. I haven’t been the easiest to live with. Battles with jealouness and suspicion of her cheating, but never had any proof. Her Mother passed away, I was close to her but fell off the rail and had to go to a hospital for a while. My wife had no time to grieve for her mother, and to this day I hate myself for it.
On top of all of this my “wife” has been struggling with her thinking she is gay for most of her life, and has finally decided to go ahead and pursue her interests. Now she tells me she has no interest in getting into a relationship right away, she just needs to be free to live her own life.
I am so hurt and alone and angry and sad, I don’t know what to do anymore. We are renovating our barn into a bachelor residence and one of us will stay out there and swap weeks with the kids while the kids continue to stay in the main house, in their own beds.
I’m not sure if this is the right thing or not, but I’m not sure. I DON’T want to live without my family, I don’t want to only have them only half my life. I am hurting unbelievably, and I have no control over any of it. My wife tells me that things will work out between us but does not mean getting back together.
I’m not sure I can go on without having her in my life, but I can’t leave my children and go without them. I’m sorry but I am so hurt and sad, and hopeless, I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I apologize ahead of time for the length. My wife of 6 years now told me in April that she was unhappy and that she had feelings for another man (a friend of ours) at the advice of her individual counselor. She started counseling stating that she didn’t know what was wrong with her, having started talking to this guy in Jan and stopping at some point in Feb, then after her first appt in mid March, started texting this guy. This of course made me go nuts. I left for a week and came home all the while she continued to text him. That ended in the beginning of May. Since then, we had fights and then went to a counselor that wasn’t right for us but helped us learn to talk better. After that first session, we agreed on a separation with a “temp check” @ 3 months.
The Sat before she moved was our anniversary so we went out and had an awesome time, even got a goodnight kiss. Surprising because I had been cut off but, we never really had sex that often and hadn’t since the end of March. She has never liked to touch other people and says that most of her sex life has happened when she has been drinking. She says that she hopes this can work out and is going to go to counseling in mid July with a new counselor. She also doesn’t want me to cancel a family camping trip that we have in late July and wants to go as a family (1 son, 4yrs old) to the Fireworks in our town on the 4th. She moved last Sat and I helped her (stupid I know) and we have had no contact other than our son’s tee ball last night.
I am so confused as to what to do. She seems to just want to go out and party with her 2 younger single girlfriends and I don’t know if she will ever want to be a wife and mother again.
I admit that I was not a great husband to her at the end of last year when I got depressed. I spoke to her condescendingly & didn’t help enough around the house. She thought that I was upset with her and as unhappy in the marriage as she was. Boy, was she surprised when she told me and I told her I was not and that I wanted to work on the marriage.
We share custody of our son 50/50 and I am starting to wonder if I gave her everything that she wanted with the separation, no husband and only 50% parent so that she can party and hang out with her friends. I just wonder if I am disillusioning myself into believing that this will ever work out. Any advice would be great.
I should add that after many, many prayers, long story short, I believe that I was pointed to Ephesians 4:2 in a fairly blatant way.
Omgosh! God is so faithful in bringing Broken Heart on Hold across my path… You are truly here for such a time as this. Thank you… For encouragement & obedience to the call of God. I cried out to God just this morning… pleading with Him to ease this excruciating pain so I can get a grip on Him. I am truly willing to trust God with my life, my husband’s life & our marriage but the pain seemed to be really getting in the way. I’m believing that BHOH may be just the encouragement I need during this especially lonely time… Again, thank you ? May God bless you.
Thanks for comments on separation. However, here is a question: you live with your wife for 26 years and we had problems; she walks out from marriage and doesn’t call to say happy birthday – could a woman be this cold?
The story I just read helped me understand what my husband is going though. We separated a year ago. But he still comes over to my house at least once a month. I hope we can make our marriage work. Been together 10 and married 2 years.
Me and my husband seperated almost 5 months ago. He said he left cause he couldn’t deal with his father’s death. His dad died of lung cancer and he stated he was having nightmares, cause he watched him die. Now he says he’s confused about our marriage because he feels like I don’t trust him. The reasons he says this is our bank statements came in and there was a withdraw from our checking account from a site I googled it and it’s mostly a dating site. My heart breaks everyday I’m so depressed over this; we have a teenager and it’s affected him too. We have been married for 16 years. We see each other on a daily basis. I try to pray about this. I also try to go about my daily life, but this hurts me every single day. I love him so much and would do anything for him. Please pray for me and my family. Thanks
I am also a stander going through the hardest times in my life. My husband threw me out to live with another man’s wife and his mother is supporting this alongside with all his other family members. At first I hated all of them. But as I grew closer in prayer I realized it was the devil using these people to destroy my marriage, so I changed thoughts in my head and said to God I want your Grace to be seen in my marriage and it will indeed as I continue to believe that he is a faithful God. I pray that he restores all your marriages in Jesus name, stay blessed.