The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) I am separated from my husband, going on 3 months now. He has settled down and has taken a job in another state. I miss him.
I am a spiritual person and have always been a believer. In my heart, I do not want a divorce but I told him that I have accepted this position. He said our marriage of 3 years was a mistake and he does not love me enough to remain in the marriage; a marriage that was his “original 2 year plan” when he fell in love with me after we first met in 2007.
I rejected this statement and remained “hopeful” until I recently discovered his solicitations on dating sites again (the first incident was discovered during the first year of our marriage). He’s searching now, for “a thoughtful Arab woman.” On one site, he has indicated he’s divorced and on another site, he has indicated he’s never been married at all. This was when I agreed with him, that the marriage was a mistake. Still, I don’t believe this, although I believe we have each made mistakes. My mistake has been that I have tried to save our marriage. I have not contacted him for almost a month now.
I know all things are possible through faith and prayer as I’ve had several miracles in my own life. How do I reconcile this? He plans to convert to Islam and I’m not an Arab woman. So obviously I cannot give him what he needs if this is what he wants, and is desperately advertising for. I always felt the marriage could be saved as long as we sought out marital counseling, which I began alone a few months before he left, and if a third party were not involved.
I have been nothing but “thoughtful.” We do not have any kids together but each has kids from prior marriages. They are all over 18 years of age. My husband does not like confrontations and always chooses the paths of least resistance. There were the phone calls from my in laws regarding issues that were transpiring with my husband’s youngest child and speculation of problems in his ex- wife’s marriage. I felt issues concerning the children were relevant but issues with his ex-wife’s marital relationship were not our business.
My husband would then be told, “Not to divulge that he was aware of some of the information given to him.” I knew this was not right. My husband was made to feel guilty about marrying me even though I met him a year after his divorce and waited for him while we lived in separate states until his youngest child graduated from high school. In fact we were married for 6 months before finally moving in together as a family (with my children) so he could care for his child who was finishing high school first. After moving in with me, my husband was under enormous stress to relocate so he could be closer to his youngest child who is now 21 years of age. My husband stated he felt like he abandoned the youngest child who lived with him until the age of 18, but opted to live with the mom and stepdad, instead of moving here with us.
There was nothing I could do to convince him that he was a good parent and he deserved an opportunity for happiness with me. Somehow, I always felt that, he felt, like he had to choose between us, which I thought was so unfair to him, to me, and to our marriage. I have always supported his efforts 100%. I believe he loved me but because our marriage was not “our own,” this is where we are. To leave me was the path of least resistance so he abandoned “us.” I’m still in love with my husband and would like to save the marriage.
(US) Hello –Thank you for your web site. My husband of 25 years left me last Saturday, after many years of threats that he wanted a divorce. I’m not sure if he’s going to rush to divorce or what. He just left while I wasn’t home, right after a 10-day vacation, and now doesn’t want to talk to me. There are a lot of issues to work out with college-age kids coming home for break, and I can’t communicate with him.
It’s strange, because I would agree with you that it’s worth waiting to see if some change may happen, but the marriage counselor said that separated people usually can’t come back together and have a good marriage. He said that I should tell my husband, “If you’re out of this marriage then we should end this now.” Maybe this would scare him out of it, or maybe he’d jump on it while he’s in this state.
One complicating factor is that my husband who doesn’t want to grow up is now on testosterone, which is basically an infidelity drug. He’s out there not in a good state to make a pro-marriage decision.
Thanks for this site; I’m trying to stay tuned in to God, but it’s so hard with the feelings of abandonment, fear, anger, etc. I want to continue to believe in this marriage, but it’s hard sometimes when the anger rises up. Keep us in your prayers. God bless.
(CANADA) Thank you for this article. 10 months ago my wife told me that “she could not do this anymore”. This came completely out of the blue. We were 2 months shy of our 5’th anniversary. We had some financial struggles and the usual arguments. But nothing that I ever thought we could not work through.
My wife had just moved to Canada when we got married. We met on a mission trip to Mexico. So there lies part of the issue. Waiting for papers and status and not feeling like she had any independence on her own. The fight is in her heart now. She says that she is not coming back but her actions say totally different.
I know that God tells us to love our wives as Christ loves the church. How many times do we fall and yet….He loves us unconditionally. I will stand and fight for my marriage but..I also know that it can only be won through prayer..please please pray with me… I will try to put updates out but… I need help fighting in this.
Her name is Adriana. Thank you again…I ssoooneeded to see this tonight and feel encouraged and not to give up hope…..
(USA) Hi! My husband and I got into an argument over finances, I slammed the door in his face and went take a shower and when I came out he was gone and his wedding ring on the nite table. Is it over for us? 13 years of marriage and our lives? What do I do now?
(USA) My ex husband left our family in November 2010 after 25 years of marriage and two children – ages 11 and 13 at the time. Behind my back, he got an apartment, situated the finances so that when he left I had no access to them. The children and I were out one day and came home to find him gone. For the next three months we were starved out. He doled money to us as he saw fit. He had no communication with us, refused to tell us why he left the way he did. In February, I asked him to please consider the children and be kind. He told me that he moved on a and that we had to also. I filed for divorce a week later. For the next twelve months, he traveled, dated women, spent money like crazy to include the purchase of a $115,000 car – while the children and I barely had food. He did not want custody of the children and has seen them a total of four times in a year.
I understand that God has plans for us and loves us to stay married, but the God I know and pray to does not want this for us. My God told me that my ex was being totally disrespectful, was not a good provider and parent to our children and was downright abusive. I got the divorce.
It is painful to go through this experience, but once someone checks out on us, we really have to take a hard look at what is going on. Yes, there are times when the husband or wife, makes a mistake. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed and they need a break from the day to day grind of life. Separation to get a grip on one’s life is one thing, to do so to party it up is a completely other thing. What my ex did was horrific. Sometimes there is no turning back. There is one thing to being a loving and caring spouse versus being a doormat.
While we may love our spouses, it takes two to make a marriage work and only one to tear it down.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for 32 years and my husband left me. We were pastors of a church and he started going through a male crisis and really turned his back on everything. He walked away from me the church, our 3 grown daughters, 4 grandbabys, friends family and responsibilities. He started texting to a co-worker last June and he wanted me to just let him do what he wanted to do because he was doing things he normally wouldnt do and she was just a friend.
Well I did at first, but things got so out of hand and he started not coming home. They texted over 18,000 time in 3 months. After our daughter’s wedding I asked him to leave because it was so bad I just couldn’t take it anymore and 5 days later he filed for divorce. I had an emotional breakdown. Through all of this I have found my first love of Jesus again. He strenghens me and all my trust and faith is in him! And my love for my husband has not changed, in fact it is stronger because of Jesus.
My husband moved in with her after she kicked her husband out and in his eyes it is over. My husband has never been honest with me about this whole situation; he has only lied the whole time and walked away and still to this day there is no contact at all with any of us. I know that God does not want me to give up on my husband, but I have given him to God. Everyday I pray, read and at times have fasted. There are days where I just want to give up like today, and Jesus had me read this page and now I feel great! I know I am not the only one who has gone through this and I pray that you find your comfort in Jesus as I have!
(UNITES STATES) Please pray for me and my husband. We just got married and he brought me to Christ but lately we have been fighting constantly over anything. Every little fight escalates over the past. We both have children from someone else before we married but I told him to leave. I said it out of anger and I told him I want a divorce. I just need your prayers!
(USA) I have been separated from my wife for two weeks now and the pain is unbearable. We have both been unfaithful to each other. I have never touched another woman physically. Though cheating is cheating, I’ve talked inappropriately to another woman and she has shared unappropriate pictures with me. Upon getting “caught” I stopped all contact with that other person.
Then finding out she was doing the same thing with another man, the pictures, phone calls and found out just 2 days ago that she had met him in a hotel room where she claims nothing happened except cuddling and kissing, and when he asked for more she told him she wasn’t comfortable with doing more!
She tells me she needs space and time to think and breathe but I find this very difficult for me to deal with and giving her time… The pain is so unbearable right now, thoughts of hurting myself or someone else has been in my head but have not acted… At what point do I give up on her? I know I love her with all my heart and want us to be able to fix this. I tell her how much I love her and she just tells me to leave her alone… Need some sort of direction, and we do not have children together… Please help.
(USA) Wow! Satan is really busy. I completely understand Paula’s situation, married for 21 yrs, my husband was the most wonderful person to me/children. This is how satan works… one day I received a call from my cousin (male) who needed a place to stay. I spoke with my husband and said it’s his decision. My cousin came of course, we were homebodies, we knew no one in the neighborhood, my cousin befriended this family… who drank, smoked… you name it they did it.
They plyed cards, which my husband loved to do… so it began he, started playing & I told/warned him these folks aren’t right and my husband bragged on our happy marriage… women came and temptation was ever present. Satan knows our weaknesses, so he started his adulterous affair with a woman who claimed to be Christian. He left his family became foul, and unrecognizable. We are separated at this time.
Please pray for my husband due to his choices. My husband is confused, depressed and miserable just to name a few. All of these things are of satan. My husband cries constantly. He lives with the other woman for now and I have my moments. BUT GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD. Rally together for marriages across the world. Be blessed!
(USA) Hello again! While my husband and I are going through this, I’ve come to learn that satan comes to kill,steal & destroy my any means. I went through an emotional rollercoaster from Aug. 2011 until Jan. 2012.. not knowing all that is happening until now wasa need for spiritual warfare. Due to my husband choices I mentioned earlier he’s confused, depressed, miserable unsure of minor decisions, he gets very bad headaches constantly and if that’s not enough satan has him comtiplating suicide. Satan wants my husband dead or institutionalized, he’s trying to take my husband mind. My husband use to look at me with such love in his eyes now they’re dark and void, I hurt for him, I feel my husbands pain, and I can’t do anything but fight in the spirit for him. We were to have a marriage ministry and satan was not about to let that happen. And here we are, my husband has been running from God for years and now he has to go through. But because MY GOD told me to love him unconditionally & loving him with everything in me, I will stand in the gap for my husband and I’m gonig to fight for his SOUL, nothing else matters. Why??? Because Jesus did it for ME. When satan reminds us of our past..REMIND HIM OF HIS FUTURE. GOD IS LOVE!!!
(US) Wonderful site. My wife and I have been separated 2 weeks today. We are still talking some and counseling has started. She has gone. I am next. We are a blended family and most of the problems are with different parenting styles and beliefs. We are both born again Christians and have a genuine love for Christ. Her up bringing and mine are from totally different ends of the spectrum. I was brought up in church and grounded in faith at an early age. She comes from multiple divorces from each of her parents.
She says she she still loves me and divorce is not an option for her. Her son is not wanting to come back to live here, so she says she feels torn between her son and me. I have been in constant prayer daily and seeking God’s guidance and direction for my life as well as hers. I keep her son in my prayers, as well that God will soften his heart and he would come to know Christ personally. I strongly believe in the power of prayer.
I am reaching out through this site for prayer from all who visit. I have faith in our God she and I will make it through this and when He does on His time, that my wife and I can use this trouble in our lives now to witness to others who have or is going through what we are now. We are to rejoice in the Lord in good times and bad. God allows us to go through troubles in life so we learn to trust Him more and turn EVERYTHING over to Him.
Thanks ahead for the prayers as I will be praying for others going through the same. Satan has mounted a major attack on families throughout the US and the world. We as Christians must take a hard stand and pray for our nations families.
(RSA) I don’t even know where to start. Why do we bring kids in this world and then turn against them? My husband of 10 years, I thought we were soul mates, who were supposed to stick together no matter how hard it could be. I am blaming him for giving up on us. And yet I am not blaming him. I’m so confused.
Its been 7 months since he walked out on us. I had to file for divorce to protect our kids asserts, in case anything happened to me. Love is beyond what I feel now as I am living for my children. I hate to see them going through what they are going through but I have to be strong for them.
Yes, I would like to think I still love him. How do you stop loving your partner after you have grown together? You can never stop loving them over night. The worst part is that he didn’t even say anything to us. He took his belongings and left as I was at work. When I got home I found him gone. I don’t even have the strength to pray. It feels like I have a hole in me. My stomach is forever turning when I thing about him. I always hear God’s voice “never give up.” And I get the strength to pray. I AM SAYING TO YOU, NEVER GIVE UP. LETS KEEP ON PRAYING FOR EACH OTHER. AND PLEASE DO REMEMBER GOD LOVES US.
(USA) Feeling like I’m sinking, needing this encouragement. Thank you. I have been waiting on the Lord for my husband’s return for many months and it is excrutiating.
(USA) It has been three weeks since my husband left me. We have 3 little girls together (11 yr, 7 yr, and 9 mo). It has been extremely hard for me to swallow. I love my husband unconditionally. I chose to love him not for any specific quality. He, on the other hand, feels that we do not have any common interests or enough intimacy. I read the book Fireproof that states if you base your marriage on common interests or intimacy, then your marriage is set on unstable grounds.
I have watched Fireproof over and over again. I am trying to work through the steps in the book. I don’t know what else to do. I know I need to stay strong for my girls, but as each day goes on, it seems to be getting harder for me. I am seeking professional therapy, but once a week isn’t enough.
Please pray for my family. We have had many happy times together and I just want it back.
(USA) I am having the same problem …only with my wife. She put me out and will not return my phone calls or text. Please pray for us …this really hurts.
(USA) I have been with my husband since I was sixteen and married for 24 years. I was frustrated in my marriage because it was always about him and not the kids. I did not know how to communicate the hurt he was causing me and our children i would just end up in an arguement.
In August he was not acting right and told me we had to talk and he kept avoiding me. Then I called him on the phone and that is when he told me that he wanted a divorce he had not loved me for a very long time and only stayed because of the kids. He needed to be on his own since I was his only sexual partner and he never had any self esteem and now that he lost weight took care of his health he leaves. We hardly did anything. I wanted vacations, to spend time together but there was always an excuse. He had stomach problems and could not be away from bathroom etc. We did do boating but it was not just to relax it was to fish all day over 8 hrs. no music allowed on the boat etc.
Now the past two years all have changed he changed, he lost weight, started becoming active doing things like snowboarding with the kids 20 &21. We went away twice alone the year he left things started to improve. Then when he started turning into the person I wanted him to be he left me.
He always demanded things from me, he did not want me to work but I did anyway and he would say if I work that if he wanted lobster every night he should get it. He wanted the house spotless but I did not do that not enough time, I was always running with the kids and attending all their functions etc.
After he left I told him how much I loved him and have always loved him but when we were together I did not say it much, but felt I showed it. Whenever he wanted something I would run out and get it for him. He was always on my mind and I would always purchase things when I saw them for him.
He did go to a counseling session twice with me and told me that if I did not tell the kids by x date he was going to do it without me. He was so set on a particular date but it was my daughters birthday and I wanted her to be able to enjoy this one. My husband did move out and I found out by emails a month later that he was involved with someone he met at the gym and fell in love with. They communicate about everything. She has a house on the water, which he wanted to buy.
When I speak with he he makes sure to let me know that he takes her away and they enjoy one another and he might move in with her or marry her. What gets me upset is that he is doing the things I always wanted him to do with me. He always prided himself on being an honest person and states he never lies even now. He said he was not involved with her until after he left the house. He respected his vows but now I feel different. He had asked my daughter months before he asked me for a divorce what she felt about him taking a woman on his motorcycle and she responded that it was too personal and did not think it was a good idea.
My daughter now is connected to me by the hip, she sleeps with me too. She wanted to go away to college but stayed home thinking she had to take care of me. This conversation came to light six months after he left. My daughter does not speak with her father anymore and they did have a close relationship the past few years the relationship with his son is drained although he sees him once a month and texts every few days he always picked on my son. I see both the bad and good side of being with my husband.
I know that it pains the children that their family is broken apart and I have done my best not to speak badly of their father. In the beginning I wanted nothing more than to have him back but there is some peace in the house since he left. My son has friends over something he never did. I don’t know how to move on.
I am in counseling and am working on myself. I felt I lost myself a long time ago never being able to live up to his standards. I have found God again and he is my strength. What scares me is I want to have a close relationship with someone who will respect me and do the fun things in life. My husband did put me down often and cursed regularly at me and the kids and we did it back. He did come from that type of family.