The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(ZIMBABWE) We married 6 yrs ago. I was still in colledge and during a two night fling got her pregnant. I had to marry her largely because I felt guilt and also because I didnt want my child to go thruough the same thing I went through when my parents separated. I never loved her, and my reason for marrying was not love but I never told her this.
I’ve pretended all these 6 years hoping that eventually I would grow to love her. But I feel I can’t pretend anymore. I want out. I am afraid of hurting her and I love my son. Please help me. Should I continue to pretend. What does the Lord say…?
(USA) I have been married for 10 months and separated for one month. This is my first marriage and my husband’s second marriage. In the fourth month of our marriage there was physical abuse from my husband and he was arrested. I forgave my husband for what he did and tried to make it work. I believe my husband did not forgive me even when he said he did. An incident happen on 04/5/2012 where there was verbal abuse from me to my husband that he felt threatened and he called the police on me. He evicted me and the kids from the house under a protection order.
The next day my husband texted me and said he loved me and missed me! I didn’t understand why he did this if he felt like I was going to hurt him in any kind of way. Well, I have taken responsability and accountability for my actions. I have asked God to forgive me for what I done and said and HE did.
My husband has made up in his mind that he no longer wants to me married to me. That he made a mistake in marrying me and that I am a difficult person to live with. My husband and I dated for four years before we got married. When I married him I left, gave up my house, and moved in with him. I am living with a family member now, but I don’t understand why he wouldn’t have a forgiving heart and accept us back home? Well, I guess time will tell.
I have been using this time apart to evaluate myself and what I don’t know about myself by praying to God and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal everything about me! I honor my marriage and I don’t believe in divorce! I am praying and asking God to restore my marriage and my family! I know he is able to do it! Please keep us in prayer!
(USA) Thank you for this site. I feel connected here. My husband and I have been separated for 10 months. I was becoming embittered to the point of disgust. I love him but I just couldn’t do the interfering in-laws anymore. They concocted a regular plan typically at 6 month intervals of strife. The family doesn’t like me. These are his sisters who believe that my marriage is not a marriage because my husband and I have not been able to produce children.
What has upset me is the $20,000 IVF bill and my numerous attempts out of love for my husband to grow our family but I am nothing in their eyes and there is a hand picked woman waiting for my husband. Now that is not the problem. The problem is my husband doesn’t stop them from calling weekly reminding him he needs to have children by any means necessary and he should go have children with this woman or another woman they choose. This is unbelievable.
They have ignored and hung up on me, called him lying about things I supposedly do such as telling off people I don’t even know and he says nothing. Actually, he says they are concerned for his future.
My husband loves Christ but he can’t say no to this and I don’t understand. He does call weekly and most recently has been trying to be affectionate and make advances to me but I need a different kind of husband, a Godly husband who believes in God’s order of things. I take falling down this crazy list of family members. It is too much but I am praying and standing my ground. I wrote everything I expect in my husband according to Christ and left it to God.
(AUSTRALIA) Well girl, this is the husband you chose. Yes sometimes it would be appealing to to trade in or trade up but you have to work with what you have got. You can’t change him. So perhaps instead of trying to make him into the husband you have ordered you should become the wife he would love to be with? I am not saying this is easy. Sometimes it is a constant battle to like the one you are with, and not judge and have expectations. Maybe you are doing everything you can already but maybe if he feels loved and accepted for who he is he may just turn around.
I’d say fight for this husband of yours. Don’t let anyone else get their hands on him. Children or not, you have a real and legitimate marriage and no one should say otherwise. I understand your pain not being able to concieve but you are no less of a women or a family without children. Could you move further from the inlaws? Can you somehow distance yourselves from them? I wish you all the best for your marriage and hope that the two of you can work it out.
(USA) Jennifer- Thank you for your advice. There are new developments. He has begun calling me daily again. He is taking an interest in areas he knows are important to me. I am still praying for him daily and I do not allow satan to interfere in my thoughts. I continue to cast down all images so that they bow down to God’s will. We went to the gym yesterday at his request and it is nice, sort of like courting again. I am waiting on God because I know he is working behind the scenes.
Thanks again for your support. May God continue to work in all of God’s children here on this site. I am working WITH God in this matter AND standing by God’s promise to me sealed by our marriage/blood covenant. I am in no rush because this is not my time but God’s.
(USA) Jennifer I forgot to mention that my in-laws (the majority) live in Nigeria however that means nothing because this is a cultural thing. Marriages without children and frowned upon and they can make a man look like something is wrong with him for staying with a woman who has not conceived for him. It is always the woman’s fault though I do have children from a previous marriage.
It is amazing how some cultures think that Christianity can some how intertwine when there is such a dichotomy within it. It is in opposition of the Bible. For example, statements made “I know God gives children BUT you still need to have children.” This makes no sense. it is one or the other. J
(USA) Joy -I certainly understand the pressure that in-laws can choose to put on a marriage. There is an article I found on this site that talks about how in the Bible it says that a man leaves his mother and father and cleves to his wife. This does not mean abandoning your parents, but that you put your wife comes first an you should protect her above all.
I understand the confusion and turmoil from the man’s view. It does not sound like your husband will be receiving biblical advice from this family.
Pray that he can grow in his own personal strentgh and that God leads him in the right path. Stay strong and know that you did the right thing, but you are only one part of the equation. You can only control your actions, not his and not his family. He needs to separate from his family and become his own man and make his own decisions on the commitment to your marriage.
Stay strong and know that even if things do not end the way you want you may be being lead down a path that will lead to your happiness.
(USA) Ellen- We have discussed this topic of the leave and cleave but he as made statements in the past that that is in the real world. I think he misunderstands the meaning. I know this is a stronghold in our marriage and God knows my prayer for breaking this stronghold and my husband Loves God so I am banking on that.
He is dealing with his faith in Christ and the life he grew up in. His family used to call him daily reminding him of who is, which is an African man. I have said to him that may be so but He CHOOSE to be Christian and he has to make up his mind which one will speak to him since these two are in opposition of each other. You can’t allow your sisters to come first in your life when the Bible says leave your mother and father and cleave unto your wife, love your wife the way Jesus loves the church vs. my wife is an outsider and extended family comes first, you MUST have a child because the culture dictates this. Can’t have it both ways. I am sticking with Christ. So shall it be done.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dominic: I feel you and can associate with your feelings. I fell pregnant at a young age and out of guilt and not wanting my child to be born out of wedlock, I married. We are both from different races & cultures, so already there were a lot of differences between us.
During the first 10 years of my marriage, I battled to love this man, my husband. Everything he did was wrong in my eyes. His mother always used to say, it’s me, I must change first. That really hurt and angered me. I did nothing wrong. In my heart I knew the only love I felt for him was that he was the father of my children. On the outside it was another story. We were constantly at logger heads with each other, drifting apart and finding no common ground apart from the kids. I decided that I had spent a decade, far too long, to still be in this mess and by now surely we would love each other. I had prayed so hard to love him and for him to love me back.
I filed for a divorce, I could not put myself through that any longer. I thought I was saving myself from this relationship and maybe giving myself another chance at finding true love. Thats when God brought conviction upon me. He literally brought me to my knees. Marriage is about ‘WE’ not about ‘I’.
I was so focused on the wrong that he was doing, the fact that I rushed into marriage for the worng reasons, that I did not feel that special kind of love for him etc when God showed me that I should have been focusing on me and my heart. Divorce was wrong. I had a responsibility not only to my husband but to God to uphold my marriage vows. But not to just do it but LIVE it.
I handed over everything to God in prayer and supplication, stopped trying to be someone I was not but the woman God called me to be. He knew when He joined us together why. All I had to do was open my heart and listen and obey.
Today I love my husband with my whole heart and can’t see my life without him. It is a love I have never known before in my life. When God blesses, he does so one hundred fold. The devil really comes to steal, lie and deceive. Take everything to the Father and he will not only restore but give you more than what you asked for.
(USA) Coco this was awesome advice given to Dominic. I agree whole heartedly. I was ready for a divorce also but God stopped every step of the way. I then realized that he had a purpose for me and my husband. Hence, I am standing by the word. Once you begin to obey and pray on the matter handing over everything I mean everything, the Holy Spirit steps in and begins to work. It is amazing. I am watching things unfold right before my very eyes. You have to work on self so God can intervene. In 2 Corinthians 10:6 Gods says until you become obedient, he will then work on the disobedient. Therefore, he works on you first then on your behalf.
(USA) Hi, I need to know!! My husband and I are currently separated for awhile till my husband gets help with his anger problems and will support and take responsibility for his family. He thinks all about himself more than me and my three kids.
We are a low income family. My family and my two kids wanted me divorce him but I didn’t want to divorce but separate for a while until his problems are fixed and my problems are fixed. My two kids and my husband aren’t getting along.
So is that ok for to separate for a while, like 3 months to cool off and fix problems first and provide the support for this family till the problems are solved and then back live together again??? Just tell me and help. My family doesn’t like my husband and my two kids don’t like him at all because my husband was abusive with emotional, verbals, mentally, and physically to my kids and me. So, what should I do right and have God in our marriage? Help me. Thank you.
(USA) Again, the reason why my family and my kids do to him is because my grandma keep interfering our marriage. My kids keep telling to my grandma about our problems and our business. My husband feels no privacy or feels to be left alone. That’s why he feels all the stress and anger. That’s why he is not happy and is buying cars and shoes to make him happy. But he realized that doesn’t make him happy. He does go to church and learns his mistakes. It’s the same for me, I learn from my mistakes too.
(AUST) Been through that myself. The one thing I learnt is that no matter how much I wanted to save the marriage, it takes two to do that. The most important thing is taking responsibility for what you are really responsible for, and that doesn’t include his behaviour. God wants someone to give justice to the children, and if you withhold justice for them when it is in your hands to do so, He will step in and ensure they are protected because they are the apple of His eye.
To me, it’s more important to have God in your life than in your marriage. If you can’t live a life of righteousness, justice and peace because you are forced to bow to other idols (eg the expectations of your husband) then God won’t be a part of it because He will not share the glory with any other.
Please get some support and help. There is a lot to consider because it won’t be easy. The abuse will most certainly escalate if you slip out of his control. Make sure you have someone to help you work out your finances too. We were definitely poorer (due to financial abuse) but much, much more filled with joy and peace after we were set free by the Lord. No regrets whatsoever -only regretted waiting as long as I did because I can’t undo the effects of the abuse on the children.
(USA) I asked my husband to leave last Friday night after 17 years of a marriage plagued with fighting and hard feelings. I was looking on line to find out how long before I could begin dating and finally find a man who loved me an respected me, someone who was passionate and all the things that for me have been missing from our marriage. I was so relived that this was finally over.
My search for “how long before you can date after separation” lead to this web site. The article was not about getting back with your spouse, but that you should not date while separated because you are not free to give yourself to someone else. I hated hearing that but it was correct and I knew it. That lead me to more articles on emotionally distant husbands. It was like someone watched our marriage and wrote specifically about us.
That lead me to more articles and I now find myself praying that we can repair this marriage. I know he needs to heal himself first or we will continue in the same painful marriage we have always had. I know I need to heal myself from the hurt and from my own over sensitive nature. I pray that he is receiving good counsel. I pray that I can accept that time is needed. I pray now not for divorce but for reconcilliation and change. Thank you for this site, though I don’t know what our outcome will be.
(USA) Ellen there are a few scriptures I use daily. I want to share them with you.
1) 2 Corinthians 10:4 -The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete. You are judging by appearances. [a] If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do.
2) Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Say in the darkest moments -I TRUST YOU GOD, I TRUST YOU until you believe it. Say it until it sinks in)
I initially took time to recognize HOW God spoke to me. Amazing how that transpired. He speaks to us in different ways so begin to tune in to him. I liken this a radio frequency. You may not listen to FM 96.5 but it is still on air but if you are not tuned it doesn’t mean it is not on. May God bless you! Stay strong. I so understand your pain.
(UNITED STATES.) I have been seperated from my husband for 6 months. We were married for 2 year and in a relationship off and on for 15 years. He cheated on me. I thought it was only one time but it seems like it was more than once. He says I provocted him. he blames me for where we are at because I asked him to leave. He said it was because he wasn’t getting enough “sexual attention.” Then it changed to I don’t listen; I have a hard time accepting what he says, I dont support him and more. I just don’t understand, because I don’t find truth to it. He has said some disrespectful things to me regarding our marriage and its importance. I pray for our situation everyday. It seems it is getting worst before its getting better. We are not legally seperated and he is already dating someone else and wants her to meet our kids. I dont want to allow him to parade his infidelity. I truly don’t know what to do. There is something deep within me that wishes he would sweep me off my feet and ask for my forgiveness and want me back.
(USA) My wife left me in June of 2011. I have been heartbroken for almost a year. She filed divorce but then cancelled it. I filed but haven’t pursued it. I don’t know what happened as we never fought, and really lived a great life. This July will be 20 years of marriage but she won’t even talk to me. I don’t know if I should keep waiting or just move on. I never cheated, never abused her and just don’t know what happened. I wasn’t perfect but who is?
(USA) Brian – Perhaps there is a reason why she changed her mind on filing. I don’t know your situation, but there is an article on this site, I think it was under the subtitle “Save my marriage” about when a woman has hardened her heart. I think it may shed some light on things for you. Perhaps there is just as much reason why you found this site as why you haven’t gotten a divorce yet. I also found a lot that spoke to me on the section on emotionally distant men – though my husband would not have believed he was indeed emotionally distant and doesn’t see it. He is however willing to admit that caused problems and we are not working to address those issues and the issues I caused reacting to him. Understanding each other is not going to be easy, but we are reknewed in commitment and will hopefully find peace.
It sounds like you are a good man and need perspective into how and why she ended up feeling like this so you can achieve mutual understanding. I wish you the best in resolving this.
(USA) My husband and I have been separated for six months, after being married only since April 2010. He said he was a Christian. He said his daughter was important to him… he SAID a lot of things.
He’s frustrated, angry at all the women in his life, and is abusive to me because of it. I am not perfect, but I have no desire to be with a man who abuses me, takes advantage of my generosity, does drugs… OM Goodness! I wish it could work, but he has NO DESIRE to make things right… to confess his sins… to ask MY forgiveness for his abuse. He just blames everyone for his issues… his parents, his sisters, his ex-wife, the economy, all kinds of things. I just want the CHRISTIAN MAN he promised to be. If I can’t have that, what is the point in compromising my character to be with him? I need some salve for my wounds. Sylvia
(USA) My husband left a week ago. We have three children together. He up and moved out told me he doesn’t love me. I am so hurt and confused, but daily I pray and keep my faith up. I am praying for healing and restoration of our marriage. I do believe time is a good thing, but I’m scared; he seems so different. He is so cruel to me, makes me angry and of course sas. I don’t know what to do, please pray for us.
(KENYA) I separated with my husband 3 years ago, I tried to reconcile with him but all in vain. Later he informed me that he married another woman last year. He claimed that we were not married as he had not paid dowry although he had come home to inform my parents of our marriage and we already have a son together. I am confused whether to go on with life and marry another man too or not. According to the Bible if a woman separates from her husband she should never remarry. Please pray for me for God to give me an answer.
(USA) Linah God already gave you his answer you just have to believe it and wait on him. It’s very difficult when we live in the flesh. The flesh/feelings all the same and God doesn’t operate this way. Feelings/flesh is up and down. You can’t trust it. It’s similar to an old commercial here in the U.S that says “sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t!” Unreliable. You can’t waiver when dealing with God. He doesn’t like this (James 1:7-8- That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.)
Read all about marriage and divorce and understand God doesn’t like divorce. He allowed it during Mosaic time because of the hardening of our hearts but he HATES it. If you can stand strong, he tells us, he will reward you but you have to take the focus off your husband and put your focus on God. I am telling you this from experience. I thought I was focusing but I wasn’t and God wanted my attention. It only takes one person in the marriage for God to work. God uses the physical realm to do his work so stay prayerful and purposefully focused on God.
I do the 31 day prayer that can be found online. It is awesome. It is prayers for husbands for 31 days. Go out have fun with friends, live your life but with this focus on God and hold God accountable on his promise, he is the same all the time. You are being tested. God will continue to test you on your trust for him. The story of Balamm is a great example in the Bible found in Numbers 22. He knows your heart.
You should ask God for your answer. Ask God to direct your path and how you should proceed. Wait on the answer from the Father. He will tell you if you pay attention. Remember he speaks to us uniquely so beware. Sometimes he doesn’t answer right away and sometimes he doesn’t answer because we are being disobedient. Read 2 Corinthians 10:6. Work on yourself and building that beautiful relationship with God and he will tell you when he sees your growth or when he believes you are ready.
(AUSTRALIA) My wife and I have been separated for 17 months. She told me to move out because she doesn’t have that intimacy love for me anymore. We have 3 children and we are practicing Christians but have not been in fellowship for a long time. I have played the roll of a good husband and father and had been unfaithful 17 years ago. We’ve been married for 20 years.
I’ve been a addicted gambler and had a lust problem for years. She’s has kicked me out 4 times before and has forgiven me and told me to come back. But this time it’s for real. I’ve been out of the house for 6 months and have been devasted and in fear and realize my mistakes. I got help and made lots of changes in my life. I’m hurting badly and am missing my wife and the family life and it’s eating me everyday. I’ve tried to win her back with all my words gifts and promises but it’s all failing. She keeps telling me to move on. She has made new worldly friends, females and males, and is constantly on her mobile texting most of day and night.
I need Christians out there to pray for my marriage to be restored cause I know Satan comes to kill, destroy, and rob. I’ve been taking days off work. My boss is not to happy. My kids tell me dad, just give mum the space to heal, and stop texting her and calling her! I know it helps a bit but it’s hard cause I’m missing her badly! Please brothers and sisters in Christ pray for my marriage to be reconciled. I have a 4 year daughter and a 13 year old boy and a 16 year and they want their dad back home.
(USA) My husband left May 31, 2012. We made such a horrible couple. We fought a lot. And it seems like neither of our needs were being met either because we didn’t how or because we didn’t want too. Well now that he is gone, I am deeply depressed and saddened. I love him and want him. But I am not sure he feels the same way. Today is our 2 year anniversary and we aren’t together. It’s a terrible feeling. They say you don’t miss something until you lose it. I sit here daily and reflect on the things I didn’t do or the things that I could have done better. I have talked to him since he left but he seems to be far away, gone and done with us.
How do I handle this? I don’t know know what to ask God for directly. I want to save my marriage but I just don’t know how. I am having panic attacks because I worry about my marriage so much and that fact that he could be gone forever. What can I do?
(USA) I had an argument with my wife and she told me she needed time. The problem started when I got laid off 1 year and a half ago. I have been struggling to get a job but no good offers. I was collecting unemployment but it was not enough. I guess with the economy down it was going to be hard for me to get a job. But a month ago I got offered an opportunity to work in a stable company but it would take a few weeks for me to start work. I told her and she understood, but at the same time we were going through a bankruptcy and they repossessed our car.
That’s when she got very upset and told me she felt like a failure. I told her I understand but it was out of our hands. She told me that she does not love me the same way like before. She also told me about a few mistakes I have made and I told her I admit to the mistakes and that they won’t happen again. She told me to leave the house so I picked up a few clothes cause I did not know where i was going. I left. She was very upset. It’s the first time we have separated. This happened on a friday.
On Tuesday her daughter calls me and tells me to give up cause her mom made up her mind to stay alone and she does not want to be in a relationship. I told my stepdaughter that I am going to fight to win her love back and that God is on my side and he will heal our broken hearts.
Tuesday night she calls me and tells me she wants to talk and for me to listen. I told her ok. She told how she really felt and told me that she felt like I had just given up. She told me to do what I need to do to get back on my feet, and also told me a few mistakes I made. She also told me she loves me very much. I told her the same. She let me talk. I explained myself and told her yes, it is my fault for not having my head cleared and my feet on the ground. I told her I was sorry and that I am going to work on bettering myself so that we can have a better future and a healthy one. We did not argue. We spoke for the very first like decent people. I told her I am going to do everything in power to win her confidence back and love.
The problem I have now is that 2 of my stepkids are being negative and telling me to give up. But I tell them God will help us restore our relationship. The other 2 stepkids tell me to give her space and fight for her love if I really love her. I told them I am and I pray to God everyday and ask for his strength.
So does anyone have good advice? I really need some. I will pray for those who need God to show them the path to a beautiful relationship and a healthy one. Please pray for me and my family…