The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(AFRICA) I am hurting! My marriage is almost gone. There is simply no connection with my husband. He has been unfaithful several times.
I have finally decided to separate from him after seven years. I am totally scared that I will lose him, because every time I mention separation he says, then it’s over. I love him and don’t want to love him. But am staying with him right now, I don’t have him either. What do I do?
Dear Mpaso, How I hurt for you! Nothing tears at the heart of a wife (or a faithful husband) deeper, than to be betrayed by one’s spouse –it’s heart and gut wrenching. I can well understand that you are scared to lose your husband, because you love him. Whether he deserves your love is another issue. But as difficult as this is to comprehend, you said it well when you acknowledged that even though you are staying with him right now, you “don’t have him either.” He has essentially left your marriage –he did the moment he began the process to betray you.
To put it mildly, he has taken your love and has prostituted it –that which was innocent and lovely and faithful has been discarded and has been substituted with betrayal. The only way to possibly get what is real back in any way is to release him until and unless you know beyond a shadow of doubt that he is TOTALLY sorry and is TOTALLY dedicated to being faithful to you and to God. You can’t share your marital bed with others. It was never designed to be a crowded situation, but rather an intimate, sacred one.
You have every right to be angry, hurt and confused because of the unfaithful behavior of your husband. After-all, why did he marry if he didn’t intend to be faithful to you as his wife? Isn’t that a big part of what marriage is all about? If he wanted to act like he was single, he should have remained that way. Your husband’s unfaithful ways are not what God designed to happen within the covenant of marriage. As far as what you can do about your marriage situation, I really can’t tell you what to do –that is between you and God. You need to talk to God and listen to His guidance in this situation.
I also can’t tell you if your marriage will survive this. A lot of that depends on your husband as to whether he will stop his unfaithfulness. You cannot continue to partner with someone who is dividing his heart with someone else –let alone many women. Your home and your heart is not to be a revolving door to his whims and fancies, not to mention the many diseases you are subjected to as he cheats on you with other women.
You need to protect yourself physically, because of the sexually transmitted diseases your husband could be subjecting you to –especially AIDS. No one ever thinks it will happen to them; it’s a huge denial things we humans go through, but the graveyards are filled with those who were in denial, and yet died, despite their time of closing their eyes to Truth. Your husband is playing with fire, and you can get fatally burned because of it.
I encourage you to go to the Bible and open up the book of Psalms and use it to pour out your heart to the Lord — praying whatever comes to your mind and heart. God knows what it is like to have those you love betray you. He cries with you. I believe that your tears and petitions to the Lord will cleanse your heart. God will show you what you must do –but whatever it is, I’m sure it will not include enabling your husband to say he is married and yet acting as if he isn’t –your heart is worth more than to have it trampled on over and over and over again. If your husband wants to be a womanizer, then he has chosen not to live with you. He has chosen not to sleep in your bed or share your affections. Be wise. Be safe. I pray for wisdom for you and also pray that God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
(SINGAPORE) My husband told me he wants a divorce last Monday and he’s bent on getting it. No matter how I beg and plead, he just doesn’t budge and keeps saying no. The only reason he gave me was, he can no longer trust me. He can’t even trust my promises and he can’t overcome this.
We’ve both lied to each other numerous times. We both had an affair. I confessed to him couple years back and he said he forgave me. Then he had his affair, and he told me he could not leave the girl becoz he loved her. But eventually the girl left and he blamed me for it. He blamed me that I asked his lover to leave him, and he blamed me for his unhappiness, his stress and his business failure.
I just received his divorce settlement proposal. I’m so scared. I don’t want to lose him, and the marriage. 5 years may not be long, but it was 5 years of my happiness. Although there has been ups and downs, bouts of confrontation, mistrust and heated arguments, I still love this man. Even when he treated me so cruelly, I still can’t bring myself to blame him. I keep blaming myself for all that had happened, including his affair.
Everyone around me keeps telling me that this is God’s will. I know I wasn’t a great child of God and I will only come to Him when I need help, but I still have faith in Him. He was the one who brought us together. Pls pray for me. I ask that you will keep us in your prayer and ask God to speak to him in this time of confusion and difficulty. I ask that you will also pray for me and ask God to give me the strength to get through this situation and let me have peace of mind and remove all the devils that are dwelling in my thoughts. Pls pray for us.
(NEW ZEALAND) You did do wrong through having an affair. However, someone who refuses to accept responsibility for his own problems, ie, HIS affair, HIS lover leaving him, HIS business failure, and someone who blames other people, is abusive. You do not need this man in your life, trust me.
(CANADA) My Husband of 17 years, who I have known for 27 years left me in January of 2012 because he said he was not happy. I found out that he was having an affair with a divorced women –someone he has know for at least a year. They used to run together in a group.
I have 3 teenage girls who are having a hard time. Even though it has been 6 months I still love him as much as I did the day I married him. I am praying that he comes back to me and our daughters because I feel that we can work this out if he can accept his share in our problems and and forgive himself what he’s done. But the other woman is still in his life and now he thinks that he is in love with her. I pray that the Lord guides us back together again even if it does take a year.
(IRELAND) I have been married for just 3 years and I have asked my wife for a divorce. This happened two weeks ago. Already I know that I will regret this decision for the rest of my life. She is a wonderful person and I let her down badly.
My crime is that I could not commicate properly with her. So when the going got tough I walked out. She is now understandably very hurt and angry. I have been praying every day for strength, but the dispair is terrible. More than anything I would love to go back to her, tell her how sorry I am and ask her to forgive me that I walked out. But that won’t happen. I could not comunicate with her and talk through our problems.
I have to admit that I am in tears as I write this. We have not ben in contact since it happened, just some text messages. She will never forgive me for leaving her. How do I survive? Will God even forgive me?
(US) God will forgive you. he forgives all our sins. After you receive God’s forgiveness accept it and forgive yourself. Then you need to swallow your pride and go back to your wife and ask for her forgiveness. You made a vow to her and God and you need to honor it. God will bless you for humbling yourself and honoring your vow. He will also bless your marriage and restore it better than before. You know the right thing to do so do it! You are the man of your household and God has instructed you to love your wife as Christ loves the church. Do not cause your wife anymore pain. Run back to your marraige and honor God!
(CANADA) Hello, My wife left two weeks ago without telling me she was leaving. We have only been married 5 months, both in our thirties and first marriage. It started off rough adjusting to married life for the both of us, harmed even more by a quick courtship and lack of any real foundation of trust & friendship with one another. I am one of those guys that would hear a complaint and just shut down… not having any real clue how to read or interpret the ways of a woman. I should have learned that in my dating life but had never been with someone with such intense feelings and shrugged them off as abnormal; little did I know that she was just a bit underdeveloped in sharing her feelings in a less sour way. Anyway, she’s gone, more than 2000 miles away now and is looking to start over–new job, newly gained freedoms she thought she lost in marriage. I didn’t pursue her heart from the first month as I knew there was some dishonesty. I basically just shut down, my fault… she has gone on to say she never loved me, was talked into marrying me, doesn’t like me, is not attracted to me, won’t talk to me or share with me her new phone number…the full deal. Question is, I have some time off work coming up and was thinking of pursuing her by flying to the city she’s in and try to invite her into talking, with the help of a counselor… is this wise, or should I wait until she’s ready to talk?
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I have taken some time off. He got involved with a younger single mother. He says tht they where just friends, but he went out of his way to go see her. I can’t forgive him nor can I forget. I love him, but I can’t move on. We have two children one is 4 and my other is 5 months he was 3 months when all of this started with that other women. What makes things worse is that he told her that he was separated, but it’s not the first time he has done this to me. I really want it to work out but I’m just scared that it will happen again after all we are a young couple and temptation is always out there. I really need your prayers so that I can find the strength that I need to do the right thing.
(USA) My husband left today. Not the first time either. He said he just needs peace and he will go whereever that is. We fight like crazy. I am also 4 months pregnant. I find that I am very angry with him. We also have an 8 month old. In truth, I probably haven’t been the most respectful or receptive wife when it comes to his needs, but in short I have become very resentful due to his drug addiction. He is a God fearing man, but he has convinced himself that smoking is not a sin. When I was pregnant with our first child I could not even buy maternity clothing due to the lack of money as he took all the excess money and spent it selfishly. Yes he does the entire house cleaning, but I made all of the money so just our role reversal has created confusion within our home. I have to be honest, I feel divorce may be best. I can’t help but feel that I am better alone than with him. I know that my children will be better off over the long run since he has been unable to successfully put down his addiction and our family is placed in jeopardy by this habit. I am not sure what direction I should go at this time. Is it wrong to doubt your marriage? I know the Bible says that adultery is the only justification for divorce, but do you feel there are other justifications?
I cannot get our family ahead without being lied to and undermined financially. I wasn’t even able to take a full 4 weeks off for maternity due to lack of money because of his reckless selfish spending. Doesn’t there come a time where God wants us to be happy and will stand behind us for this. Must we suffer the pain of this in marriage and what our family suffers as well? Is it not both parties responsibility to both be engaged and in love with our family. I feel he is a hypocrite and I do not want to look at God as he shoves God down my throat and reads scripture versus to me to justify the financial and emotional abuse. The neglect is too much to bare. I don’t want to even touch him. Where do I start? I know that God brought us together and so does he. We were told we were each other’s mate by many and by God as well, but how can one remain in God’s will through our marriage when one partner betrays the health of the marriage and denies doing so.
When do you call it quits and when do you fight? At what point do you decide whether your marriage is better or worse for your children’s well being? He is a good man, but he also has bad qualities which are affecting the health of our marriage and this will affect the health of our children. He just doesn’t hear me when I talk. I know this because he won’t let me finish a sentence before speaking over me. I cannot communicate with someone who is not listening. It is impossible to work on a marriage when dictation rather than communication is occurring and the less healthy party (person in denial about his addiction) is calling the shots. I am miserable. I actually feel like I can breathe since he left. Is that wrong? In full I ask for prayers as I think about the right decision for my family.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband moved out 4 days ago. I feel like the end of life is upon me. At the time it seemed like a good idea as we both were mad at each other. We would fight often, almost every 30 days. He would often threaten to leave and divorce and I just got fed up with the threats.
Many issues led up to this. We did go through counseling a couple of years ago but backslid into our old ways. It just seems that we cannot get rid of the things of old and the bad habits. I am so fearfull that he is not going to come back. We don’t have children together but each have our own. His sons are grown. My daughter is grown but my son lives with his father and is still at school. We don’t like each other’s children and that seems to be a huge problem cause my son is a big problem for my husband as he visits often.
It seems I have lost all purpose in life and I don’t even know what to do with myself at home when coming back from work. I only watch Christian TV. I don’t think I can wait 3 years like the lady in one of the comments. My husband will not stay faithfull for that long.
(USA) I had to get a restraining order out on my husband for domestic violence and he is also a prescription drug addict. He knows of God but does not follow his ways or try to. Even though I was the one to do, this which was very hard for me, I just want him to be missing me and know that he still loves me. I feel so depressed and mixed up inside; I know I can’t go back to the abuse nor the drug world he is living. We were living separate lives in the same house for over 3.5 years which to this day I can’t believe it had been going on for so long. I am so torn inside I want him to somehow communicate to me even though we have a court order not to! I need some serious counseling so I can get help for the low selfesteem I have. Sometimes I am finding it difficult to make it through the days, and don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I know God will help me and my praise and worship songs are helping me, but then I get into an awful depressed state of mind thinking I don’t want to be around in this world feeling like I do, I would rather be with Jesus. I do have some other problems that happened to me with men prior to our marriage of nearly 12 years; and I know this is also an issue for me but I really am asking and pleading for some sort of direction and to know my husband still does care! Please pray for me…I am so sad inside it hurts badly! Thank You.
(USA) I personally am tired of the money disappearing and the stress of the selfishness. It takes a very selfish person to continue to use drugs knowing that it is costing your family everything. My husband left because he couldn’t deal with the anger in me that he helped to created with his issues over the last few years. It seems to always be about him and what he wants or needs and our family and I just seem to be side notes to everything. I tell you not to lose your value. My husband is a good man, but he isn’t being the man God called him to be even though he has convinced himself he is. If you teach people how to treat you then you must stand strong and teach your husband that he is wrong. God said he disciplines those he loves. I take that to mean that discipline is love. It doesn’t feel good, but you know you are doing the right thing for the other person and for your family and that is what God wants for us. You may be the last hope able to reach your husband and if you allow your insecurities to stop your strength and accept your husband’s actions then you are telling your husband he doesn’t have a problem or you would say so in action.
My marriage may end,it may not. But I know that if my husband does not seek help and make that choice for himself my marriage will surely end and we are only saying a long goodbye. My husband loves me this I know, regardless of what he says in anger and withdrawals. I may be the only person he loves enough to cause him to look in the mirror and create a necessary change that will save our family and marriage. I walk in faith and pray daily for his safe, speedy but productive return to our family. Productive and positive relationships only come through the strength of GOD and our walking hand in hand with his purpose for our lives. Drugs are not a part of his purpose for us and will destroy the ground we stand on.
Stand firm if you are a God fearing woman and know that your example may be the changing factor for your husband. It hurts I know but I am sure Jesus hurt as he struggled to bear our burdens to the cross which took his life in agony. Love bears all things and conquers all things. Be strong and show your faith and encourage the change you see necessary. My husband is still gone, but the drugs will be gone in the end when he returns home. This journey is necessary for the progression of our family to be in God’s will. Pray and find strength in yourself and what GOD says you are in him.
(USA) I woke up 4 days ago at 7 a.m to find that my husband was gone. I called his phone and texted but he won’t answer me at all; his shoes and a lot of his clothes are gone. I am in a lot of pain because I don’t know what’s going on. We have been going to marriage counseling and things have been getting better, or so I thought. He still won’t talk to me. We had even started going back to church, so to wake up and he is gone is crazy to me.
I am a Christian and I don’t believe that God would tell me my marriage is over. I just don’t know what to do when you think everything is ok and you wake up to no husband. We were supposed to go to therapy again on Friday and he won’t answer his phone. What should I do? I love my husband and can’t give up on him, but it seems like he has given up. The crazy part is things were going good. They say when the devil sees you doing good he will do anything to destroy it… What should I do?
Barbara, I’m so, so sorry that you are encountering this problem in your marriage. I’m continually amazed at how one marriage “partner” can treat their other spousal “partner” in such heartless ways. How much this must grieve the heart of God. You ask what you should “do.” Seriously, Barbara, what can you do? You can’t MAKE your husband do what he should –do what he promised on your wedding day.
All you can do is to show yourself to be faithful even in the face of such behavior. Work on your issues, keep the appointment(s) (hopefully, you are going to a “marriage friendly” counselor, who won’t steer you into dumping out of the marriage, as well), guard your heart and actions, and pray, pray, pray –applying Proverbs 3:5-6, that God will direct your path. God is faithful even when those we love aren’t. “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4) I pray that God will bind your wounds, comfort you and give you wisdom as to how to proceed in the days ahead. May He bless you despite the darkness being shed your way.
(NIGERIA) My wife left over a year ago. Been married for 7 years and have three children. It’s been so difficult only God and family have helped me through this period. She seems happier but my kids have said they want to be with me. I live in Nigeria. I don’t know what to do anymore because my family have been her and her family. I have cried, pleaded, and been remorseful for all the bad times but she won’t listen.
(USA) Hi, maybe someone can help me. I’ve been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years. We got married when our son was 7 weeks old. I got pregnant with our second son just 3 months later. He left us when I was 4 months pregnant and had our 8 month old. We never divorced but have lived separated for 4 years. He was arrested and spent 8 months in jail when about halfway through wrote me asking to work things out. I was scared and skeptical because he had left me and moved on. I really never dated. So I said I don’t know and took some time to think and pray. Well, now I decided that I do want to work it out and now he says he doesn’t know what he wants. What do I do or how do I pray about this? I want to work it out but I don’t know what God’s will is.
(CANADA) My husband left 6 months ago. I’m devastated. We have a 10 month old baby. I have 2 girls from my past. My husband was ignoring me and one day I snapped yelling at him. I’m praying everyday for him to return with an open heart. I am also battling in court for my children and infant. I just want our family to be together. I finished my novena to Saint Terese today. I am going to start again tomorrow. I refuse to give up. Please pray for me and my children. I will update any happenings. So far, it’s getting worse. I hope for a rose, even one simple rose, but so far my husband is only treating me worse this past week. Please pray.
(KENYA) I have been married to my husband for 4 years now. We have been separated 3 times during our marriage. He always moves out whenever we have a disagreement. He cheated on me with a workmate when I was pregnant with our 2nd born and I’ve just found it so hard to forgive him! I tried, but he shattered my heart and trust.
We have been separated for 3 months now and I really miss him. I’m ready to forgive him, go for counseling… but he refuses. I don’t know what to do! Should I wait for him? What if he has decided to move on and is simply stringing me along, giving me false hope that we will get back together? I am broken, confused, hurt and angry. Please pray for me, pray for me.
Barbara, I can’t tell you what to do. But what I can tell you is that your husband has broken covenant with you –not only with his cheating, but in his refusal to acknowledge the wrong he has done. You can’t stay united to someone who breaks away from you and is deceptive. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen in the future –that your husband can’t come to a place of repentance and want to be united again. Reconciliation CAN be possible, if your husband changes his ways. But right now, he’s not there.
You’ve been separated for 3 months. You ask if you should “wait” for him. 3 months, although it seems like an eternity is only a drop in the bucket as far as how long you promised to be committed to him and your marriage. He has run away by his actions, but please don’t be one of those who runs away from your commitment to him so fast. I just now answered an email to a lady where she ran away from her commitment because things got tough in her marriage. She divorced her husband because she didn’t think things would change and she found someone new. She now regrets it terribly because things have changed –within him and within her, but she is now remarried. She’s in a dilemma. She realizes that she ran away too fast.
Your husband obviously needs prayer. You need prayer… you need time to devote to prayer. As far as forgiving him and reconciling with him –those are two separate matters. Please read through the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic. Forgiveness is not cheap. You give it because God gave it to you (it didn’t come cheap because Christ died for you, so you can have it and give it to others). Forgiving your husband releases you from nursing and rehearsing the hurt. YOU become free, and your husband will have to contend directly with God over the matter.
BUT reconciliation comes when the time is right, when honesty and sorrow for wrong behavior is shown to be in place. It’s difficult to reconcile with someone who isn’t willing to put everything into making that happen. At this point, your husband is not ready for that. I don’t know if he ever will be. Prayerfully, yes. But please consider giving more time to prayer and being a good mom –guarding your heart in the meantime, even though your husband may not be guarding his, and seeking wisdom for each day ahead of you. Please don’t spend energy on wondering if your husband is “stringing you along.” Ask God to reveal truth to you, if this is so and if it is, ask God to show you what to do with this insight –whether you should wait longer or not. But don’t worry about it. There is nothing that you suffer that God will not redeem in some way. But being in a hurry to resolve matters won’t mean that you can “move on.” You don’t just “move on” when you have been married to someone and have children with him. There will always be a huge scar in your heart over this situation –after all, there is a tearing that occurs when those who are cleaved together in marriage break away from each other. Be patient, to the best of your ability to wait upon God and to proceed at His pace –not yours.
Please apply Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” I pray for you Barbara, and for your precious children –for peace and hope in the midst of this horrible storm. I also pray for your husband –that he will know no peace unless he reconciles with God and with you and your children –that God will continually make His ways known to him (whether you realize that God is at work within him or not).
(CANADA) My wife and I have been separated for more than 7 years now. Please pray that we reunite and that we stay in love no matter what. Pray that God does miracles in our reunited marriage and that we stay the course until death due us part. Lastly, please pray for our our two children too. Thanks and God bless you all.