I want to share with you a sad testimony that I hope (and this woman hopes) will help others. It concerns sexting and the damage it can bring. I will include a few comments in [brackets] that could help, as well.
Beatrice, from Kenya, wrote the following in the comments under the article, How We Found Forgiveness After an Affair.
She Writes:
I will tell you my story. It’s not men only who cheat, women also do cheat. I am one of those women and very ashamed of myself. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have done the unthinkable to my husband.
I have been married close to 2 years. And during those 2 years, I have caused my husband great emotional pain. I knew the man involved even before I got married. Sadly, I was sex chatting him since he was in the U.S. He had a gal friend. I didn’t take the chats seriously and told myself that I would stop the moment I got married to the love of my life. How wrong was I!
When he came back 2 years ago, I was already married. Shamefully, I continued sex chatting with him. He got married a year ago and sadly, we still continued chatting. We even met twice. But we didn’t get physical, though we almost did.
Caught Sexting
This year his wife went through all the chats and pictures we were exchanging. All hell broke loose! She told my husband and sent every picture to him and all my friends. Mind you, I was stupid enough to send him my naked photos! Lust had engulfed us. In my very honest words, what was here was lust, no love, and no emotional connection. In fact, sometimes I would tell myself to have fun and get over it before London burns. I was wrong.
When my husband discovered everything, he was mad. He was heart broken and totally crushed. He could not imagine the woman he trusted so much could do a thing like this. I was so ashamed of myself, I could not stop shaking for a whole week. I was wondering what would happen and was cursing myself for doing what I did.
By God’s grace, my husband forgave me. He wants our beautiful marriage to work. I have cut off all the communications with this man —the emails, the phone, etc. It has been over 4 months since. And even though my husband has forgiven me and I have asked God to forgive me, this haunts me. Whether awake or asleep, my thoughts curse me. I wish I did things differently and had been honest with my husband. I would not have hurt him this way or broken his trust in me.
Warning
All those who have cheated, please, remember there is no fun outside your marriage. One day things are going to change and you will forever blame yourself. Unfortunately, I am in that position now and I deeply regret everything I did. Honestly, I don’t know when I am going to forgive myself. I am searching everywhere for answers but my heart is still shaking. Tragically, I literally sunk my own boat.
I would not say anything more, but if you are planning to cheat, please, please, please, by the mercies of our Lord, DON’T!! You’re better talking with your partner about it or your feelings. [And if your spouse won’t interact with you in a way that is healthy, please don’t allow yourself to continue doing that, which deep inside, you should know, is wrong.] I can’t start telling you how you might start regretting these kinds of actions like me. I can tell you… it’s an enormous regret.
We are young. We have small kids and see what I have done? You don’t want to go through the same path, do you? Take cover in the Lord. Ask him to help you deal with your feelings. And talk with your spouse about everything [everything that you SHOULD talk to him or her about].
Strength is Needed
If you have been cheated on, may God give you the strength to forgive your partner. I know it’s hard and maybe I am not the right person to say it. But I believe the grace of the Lord is abundant.
To those we have cheated, may God forgive us. And may we learn to love our partners and talk when there is a problem. May we remember that when we were marrying them, we believed they were the best choice of life partners. Let us not abuse the integrity and the virtues of the marriage institute. Let us set good examples to our children and to the world. And let us avoid this unnecessary pain, guilt, shame and alienation. I have learned my lesson. Don’t wait to learn yours. Just learn from me and learn from my experience. May the good Lord bless you.
Sharing Regrets
To Beatrice’s comment, I replied (in part):
Thank you Beatrice, for allowing yourself to be openly vulnerable and share your story and your regrets. I pray with you that it will help to stop someone who is contemplating cheating on his or her marriage. This includes sext texting ANYONE other than a spouse. All of this is wrong on so many levels.
I’m reminded of something one marriage expert (Diane Sollee) said. “What we really need is a time machine so that people entering into an affair could flash forward and see themselves, their kids, and their lives at the other end of their lust.” Sadly, you are seeing the pain these types of actions can bring about now and for the rest of your lives.
Prayerfully, you and your husband can somehow face it, learn from it, and give one another grace to process through this whole tangled mess. Prayerfully you’ll use what you’ve learned to build a stronger marriage than ever before. Please invite God to help you to unravel all of this with you. It’s God’s healing touch that can take such shattered pieces and use them for good beyond whatever could be possible, otherwise. May you be able to pass this message onto others to hopefully, prevent future pain for others who are tempted to go down the same sinful past. Thank God for His amazing forgiveness and grace!!!
Going Forth in Integrity and Truth
…I pray that God will help you and your husband and will bless your family abundantly as you learn how to go forth in integrity and Truth. I believe if you flirt with your husband (only)… love him as never before, you will be amazed at what God can do with all you are learning. Lord, may it be so as Beatrice and her husband follow your leading.
With Beatrice, I hope what is shared here will help someone. Unfortunately, as the Bible says, we are a “stiff-necked people.” We want what we want and find ways to justify our actions as exceptions to the rule. We often won’t heed warnings. But even so, I feel compelled to share this with those who will pay attention.
A few additional thoughts come to mind:
• “Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable.”
• “Whenever God is knocked out, sin is minimized.” “When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications” (Chuck Swindoll).
This “cycle of complications” is what Beatrice is experiencing. But thankfully, her sin was exposed. As we’re told in Numbers 32:23, just as Moses told those who were sinning, “…You may be sure your sin will find you out.” God has a way of exposing our sin. It must then be dealt with, in public, bringing regrets on many levels to those who are affected by the clutches of sin —doing that, which we shouldn’t.
If you are in the midst of temptation take note of point one of the quote below. And then take note of point 2. If you have lived to learn the lie of point 1, then take note of point 2:
“Satan’s 2 greatest lies:
1. It won’t hurt —One time won’t hurt you. 2. God will never love you anymore —you’ve blown it!” (Neil Clark Anderson)
In the Bible, we’re warned to “Flee temptation.” That doesn’t mean that we stick our heads in the lion’s mouth and think that he won’t bite down. We’re fools to believe so. We’re to run as far from it as possible.
But if you didn’t and you are feeling the bite of your sinful behavior, keep in mind that God will forgive you. As we’re told in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
That doesn’t mean that you can go on sinning, thinking you can count on God’s grace and ask for forgiveness then. As the Apostle Paul stated, “May it never be so.” You are prostituting grace and there will be a price to pay for that, as well.
Make Things Right
And if you stop right now, confess your sin, and do what you can to make things right again. Please realize that there may still be consequences that you may have to pay. However, continuing to do what is wrong, will heap even more consequences on top of it all. And just like Beatrice’s children, those who are innocent are victimized by our sin, as well. You aren’t an island unto yourself. Right now is the time to stop.
This Christmas season (and throughout the year), we are being reminded of the grace that God extended to us through Jesus Christ. May we embrace that, which He came to give us and live our lives accordingly. May we stop entertaining the enemy of our faith and instead live to please God —living in ways that He asks of us.
We are told:
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person —such a man is an idolater —has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
Let no one deceive you with empty words. For because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth). And find out what pleases the Lord. (Ephesians 5:1-10)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
I am currently going through this now (Jan., 2015). I am a wife of 15 yrs w/ 2 daughters. I sexted w/ other men thnking I would fill a need my husband wasn’t. It did not. He has since moved to a hotel. I had done it over a period of 3 years w/16 different men( most out of state; all different cites) in different scenarios; some emails, some photos, some texting, some all three. I so regret it and wish I could take it back, but I can’t and now have to live with the consequenses. I can only hope he finds it in his heart to give me another chance. I cannot forgive myself so I do not expect him to. I realized too late he may not have said it but he cared about me in everything he did FOR me. I’m lost without him. Please Lord, give me patience to let him have his space while he decides. And the strength to accept it.
I sent pics I shouldn’t have to my boss once and now it’s like a coal burning in my chest. Should I confess that to my husband? I feel so ashamed and guilty. Dirty, and human I guess. It gets real out here.
I miss being 100% honest. If I go back to that 100% it could cost a lot.
Conflicted for my own fault. Loved and forgiven by Christ…but still hurting!
Is sexting/sending pictures with your spouse a sin?
If you keep the pictures absolutely private then I don’t believe it’s a sin. This is your spouse. But do you really feel safe putting those in a type of form where others could possibly see them (say, if you lost your phone or such)? In all sincerity, I wouldn’t send pictures. I wouldn’t feel safe. My husband Steve came across some pictures when he was younger that my father in law took of his mom (who was nude). My father in law had them well hidden away. But my husband still found them. Kids will be kids. He said it was a very negative experience.
Also, my brother (who died years ago) had pictures of my sister in law and I came across them when I was helping her go through my brother’s personal effects. I sure wish I had never seen them. … Again, you never know who might somehow come across them, so I wouldn’t do it. But that’s up to you.
I recently discovered that my husband of 22 years had joined a singles website and has been exchanging messages with other women. We had been having some marital difficulties as I went through pre-mature menopause (complete by age 42) a few years ago and it became extremely painful to engage in intercourse and I was no longer able to even get aroused. I was depressed and withdrew some. That being said, I tried to still engage in sexual activity at least once a week (sometimes a little longer if I was having issues). That was never enough for him and he became critical, mean, and nothing I did was ever good enough for him, etc. It was always about him.
Eighteen months ago he lost his job and the added financial stress of once again being the sole provider for a family of five nearly pushed me over the edge. This caused me to withdraw further. About a month ago I started taking a medication for another condition and it actually helped with my sexual issues. I was ecstatic. Thought he would be too. Wrong. That’s when I started to notice odd behaviors. My gut instinct said he was cheating, but I didn’t want to believe it. I prayed to God for clarity and truth and the following day I came across a email account he had secretly set up under an alias.
I figured out his password and what I saw devastated me. I confronted him and at first he tried to play dumb, then he tried to say it was spam (not considering some of the ladies were referring to his “profile”). Then he says it was just sexting and that he did it because he was lonely (i.e. it was all my fault). He insisted that there was no physical interaction with any of the women, but my gut tells me otherwise. He says I am overreacting. I asked him which site he joined and he’s developed amnesia. He has not said sorry or shown any sort of remorse, instead he is blaming this all on me. He said he would take a polygraph to prove that he was not cheating, but in my mind, what he did was cheating. He disregarded both the marital vows of in sickness and in health and forsaking all others.
After I confronted him I still wasn’t satisfied that he was being forthcoming and did some more looking. Come to find out he has another secret email account and he changed the password to the one I was able to gain access to. Doesn’t sound like the actions of someone who is sorry or truthful. He’s all mad at me for not believing him, but how do you believe someone who violated your trust and doesn’t even seem to care? I love him dearly, even after everything he has put me through. He is still unemployed and I cannot afford to support a second household, so kicking him out and immediate divorce are not options at this time. That being said, since he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions and be truthful, I am not sure this marriage can survive. What do I do?
My husband walked out on our marriage for his baby’s mom and now she’s pregnant again with his child. Why must I stay married to him? I believe I am free to divorce him.
Maria, I’m so sorry that you are having to suffer in this way. It has to be so devastating. Even so, we can’t tell you what to do –whether you are to divorce your husband, or not. Scripturally, you are allowed to divorce because of infidelity. You can see some of the scriptures posted in the following posting: https://marriagemissions.com/scriptures-on-divorce/. Even so, just because you CAN divorce, it doesn’t mean you have to. This is something you need to pray about, asking the Lord for wisdom. Don’t be hasty. Even though you are hurting so much. Prayerfully consider everything and ask God to let you know what YOU should do. I pray wisdom and help for you Maria. I’m so sorry that your husband is treating you this way.
I’ve read the post on cheating, and I must confess that I’m having the same issues too. I was heavily addicted to masturbation, pornography and sex-chatting, as a single. Through prayers, deliverance and determination, I kicked the habit some years before I got married. It wasn’t easy, though…as I kept having these sex urges, which tried to overwhelm me from time to time (I was a young Christian single; no girlfriend; no live-in partner). On one occasion, while praying, I heard God speak clearly to me saying, “I will deliver you, through your marriage.” I met and married my wife in 2014. During our courtship, there was no premarital sex; neither necking or petting.
Few months into the marriage, and I noticed some unpleasant things about her attitude to sex:
– She would often deny me sexual intimacy when I really needed it.
– She would often postpone or ration sex to me; the way a farmer rations chicken feed to poultry. (On one occasion, she postponed lovemaking for nearly 2 weeks, by which time I was already frustrated.)
– She would often withhold her orgasms…like it was a sin or something.
– She has never let me perform oral sex on her (sorry to sound raw here…but I love giving it a lot).
– She has even told me on one occasion, that she believes that when couples want to make love, the Holy Spirit departs from them, and an evil spirit temporarily possesses them; leaving after the act is completed. The Holy Spirit returns thereafter.
– She ‘lets’ me make love to her only twice a month (if I’m lucky). None of us is up to 40 years of age. I wonder what would happen when we are in our 60’s. Most likely, we would be in a sexless marriage.
This attitude of hers eventually led me to return to my old habits of masturbation, pornography and sex-chatting on Facebook. I have never been physical with another woman, because that’s a vow I made to the Lord. Nevertheless, I still feel guilty each time I indulge in these old habits to assuage my urge.
Recently, she saw my erotic conversations with a lady on Facebook, and all hell broke loose. She accused me of being physical with the lady; of planning to elope; of possibly fathering a child outside wedlock, etc. It was a bitter quarrel, because I responded by blaming her too.
Right now, I need God’s intervention, for I cannot continue this way. I need someone to possibly talk to her too. I love her a lot, and our two kids…but living in a sexless marriage is HELL for a Christian man who has vowed to be faithful. Her name is Stella.
Hello Tony, I hope your wife Stella got counseling since you sent this prayer request in 2017. Sometimes this might have been caused by her church background or her family Christian background. It also depends on who were and are her role models and if the pastor’s wife is not teaching them that their bodies belong to their husbands then there is a serious problem. It is never too late to seek counseling. Since you are committed to this marriage, God is able to heal us in all spheres of our life. I believe there is a testimony after this test. Blessings!
I caught my husband sexting with a girl from high school. After 39 years of marriage it was so heart breaking. We are working through it with God’s help. He has been very remorseful. Says he should have drawn the line but did not and can’t explain why he did it. He has answered my every question. It hurts terribly. I trusted him in every way. Trying to put it behind us. He is having hard time with guilt. Relying on God for healing. By the way this article was so encouraging to me. Thank you!
I have been involved in sexting. I am single, but have sexted with other men who are in relationships. Not married, but taken. It always starts off innocent, but within a few conversations, goes into more. Nudes, explicit conversations, etc. I don’t know why I do it. I always feel cheap and dirty. Especially if they just quit. I respect their wishes. But, also feel rejected. I used to be a lady. I used to have integrity and strong morals. But, somewhere I lost them. Don’t do it. It is nothing but a life sentence in guilt and shame prison. Not worth the short rush it may give you.