ARE YOU SEEKING DIRECTION…
PURPOSE…
A REASON TO HOLD ONTO HOPE IN YOUR LIFE?
“Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint.
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
(Psalm 61:2)
IS THAT THE CRY OF YOUR HEART?
Perhaps God is tugging on your heart
— trying to help you know that YOU NEED HIM.
Below we provide several links to web sites
that could help you as you reach out to GOD:
• HOW TO KNOW CHRIST PERSONALLY
• COMING HOME: An Invitation to Join God’s Family
I realize this is a religious forum and that my situation may be looked down upon. Basically, my boyfriend and I moved in together after dating 4 mos and knowing each for 20 yrs. We have not lived together for 6 mos. His brother is married to my sister. There was no romance between us, just knowing each other through our siblings marriage.
He was married the past 20 yrs to an incredibly physically and emotionally abusive woman. I have spent the past ten years raising my daughter who is now grown and on her own with two children. For the past decade, I have been living a celibate lifestyle also not dating much just waiting for the right person. I thought he was the right person.
I am not sure if my expectations of our relationship are reasonable or not. I feel like I come last, after his kids, after his time spent trying to start a business, I feel like an afterthought. We haven’t had sex since Sept 23 and he isn’t interested at all. Says his ‘stuff’ just doesn’t work. I am 45 he is 42. We are both overweight. He is diabetic and has sleep apnea.
We had goals we talked about when we got together such as taking small trips alone, he was romantic, I felt like I mattered. All romance stopped the month he moved in, I can’t pinpoint why. He says he feels like a half a man since he experiences severe impotence.
However, with everything else in which I feel last, the lack of sex just makes me feel so unfulfilled as a partner -I feel dead inside. I could easily be single and deal with less heartbreak. As it is now, daily I am overwhelmed with wondering how I can live like this?
He has MANY good qualities. But, they seem to not be enough. He wants to live separately now, have our money separate, finish raising his 16 year old daughter that demands incessant attention, be able to ‘become a whole person”, finish his divorce, all with me hanging on or just going back to dating. He thinks nothing of this.
I feel I don’t get much from the relationship. I don’t get any intimacy, I don’t get any financial benefits of being a couple, I don’t get included much in decisions (he just makes them and tells me about them later), I feel I live in the shadow of his ex-wife, I get to be a step mom and cart his daughter around yet… I don’t feel I am part of a couple that has any unified goals. I feel I get all the grunt work of being a couple but none of the rewards.
My expectations of a relationship are to make decisions together, with the relationship a priority. I feel we have financial goals and things to work towards. He feels I’m too black and white, that I should be ok just sitting on the sidelines. That’s what I consider it. I am so confused, I feel I am in limbo.
Is it wrong to want shared decision making, an intimate relationship, and to feel like I matter? I don’t know… I’m rambling and so frustrated that I feel I have not set forth any real examples to get any type of reasonable advice. :(
Rose, I have to say that normally, we don’t post or reply to comments left on this web site, which deal with trying to help those who are living together outside of marriage. We’re called to help marriages, not living together. But as I read your comment, I felt a tug on my heart to reply to you. I feel a warmth of love and compassion for you.
Between the lines of what you wrote, I perceive that you are a loving, generous person who has turned a very unhealthy corner in her life. I also know that God loves you very much. I sense that so deeply that He has been trying to get your attention, to turn your eyes and heart towards Him. I’m so sad for you that you have taken this path. Even though I understand how it can happen to fall in love with someone you shouldn’t, it doesn’t mean that you should live your life feeding it. This man was never yours to give your love to. Whether his wife has been doing all kinds of things she shouldn’t in their marriage, she has been his wife for all these years. He is married, whether he wants to acknowledge it or not and whether he has regrets in marrying her or not.
No matter what, we are not to allow ourselves to believe the lie that because we hurt so badly (as he may have felt), solutions to cheat and do that which we should not, are acceptable. They are not. Reacting out in wrong behavior to wrong behavior does not make it right. And even in your compassion for him, by connecting with him as you did only complicates both of your lives all the more, and puts your life path in an unhealthy direction.
You ask if it is “wrong to want shared decision making, an intimate relationship, and to feel” you matter to this man, who you have given your all to. Those feelings and desires are not wrong within marriage, but outside of marriage, when you are in a live-in situation, they are misplaced. You have no “rights” because both of you never made the sacred vow promising each other in marriage that you would give of yourselves to each other in that way. You couldn’t, because he is already married. He made those vows to his wife. You say that he seems to think you “should be ok just sitting on the sidelines.” Rose, I want to say this as nicely as I can… but when you took on the role of being his sideline partner, that’s the slot you allowed yourself to slip into.
So, what do you do now? I realize that what I am about to say is easier to write than to live out, but what CAN you do? You really don’t have much of a choice but to pull back, give him space to raise his daughter (as he should –she is a minor) and HOPEFULLY change his priorities to ones that reflect integrity, and good character. I pray for him too, along with you. I have no doubt that this will break your heart and this would be the most difficult thing you could ever do, but it’s also one that will eventually help you to live a life of integrity and honesty, as well. Please be careful to guard your heart in the future. When you give it to someone who doesn’t cherish it and entangle it with someone who isn’t yours to have, the tearing apart is all the more painful. Whether this man has “MANY good qualities” …they are not qualities that are yours to live with.
I truly am sorry to write this, Rose. I want to write to you something completely different. But I know that what I would want to write ISN’T right. You have walked into a toxic situation and as difficult as it would be to break away because your heart is so entangled, it’s the healthiest thing to do –one that will put you on a better path, for future happiness. I pray the Lord will help you and make Himself very real to you, guiding you to live your life in integrity. I also pray God also shows you that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
Of course it’s “POSSIBLE for her to have sex with someone out of her anger.” But SHOULD she? No. No… for SO many reasons. When she married you, she made promises… if she has so little character and moral value to keep herself true to you, whether she’s angry or not, then she has some real problems (and now so do you). To try to soothe or solve her anger by resorting to giving her body to someone who is not her husband shows a real lack of integrity, commitment to you, and commitment to the sanctity of marriage. George… you have a real problem. It’s no wonder why you are her third husband. She obviously doesn’t know what commitment is. Why make promises of marriage if you’re not going to stay true to them?
You both need to do some serious talking. Is she going to work with you over her anger problems or is she going to make a mockery of your marriage when she’s mad? She needs to learn how to handle these problems better (and there ARE ways), otherwise, you will never be able to trust her. This is NOT the way to resolve problems… just to make more. I hope she will and I hope you will both work together to be a marriage team, not as two single people. I pray for you both.
Asking that you will pray for me and my husband. My marriage has been an emotional separation since 2008. I need God’s help to bring him and my son back home to the U.S.A. Please keep my family in prayer.
Jennifer, you have to protect your daughter. You have to. Either have him check into some sort of mental rehabilitation clinics. Call your church. Have them come pray. He might not always have the strength to stay away. He told you this, in my opinion he’s screaming for help. He knows he can’t keep away and he needs you to get her away from him…
What would you do if he did molest your daughter? That could ruin her little life. That would break her.
I was molested, no one heard my cries. You have to be in her corner. First. Make sure she is safe. Then work on your marriage and help him. But you need to make sure she is in a safe place and only has supervised visitation. If it was me, I would leave with her. He needs help, hun.
I’m praying for you all. I don’t believe in divorce. But, I do believe that we have to protect our children. I’m sure there are Christian therapist’s out there that can help him.
Hello, I am a Liberian, truly speaking I think I have been deny of happiness, many people live a life of happiness I have not. I wish someone will help me, take me from poverty and hardship in life. But this life I find myself in I always thank God; nothing will make to go far from my God in life though and in poverty. I strongly believe that one day God will bring my change through someone. Please pray for me, to have my future partner, somebody who is willing to marry me, even in hardship.
Please pray for my husband and I. We both have strongholds yet I am committed to my marriage. My husband is having numerous outside relationships but feels it’s ok as long as he comes home at night. I feel myself weakening and I’m losing the battle to continue to handle this in prayer. I recently learned of several motives why he married me and it’s not rooted out of love. I/We need prayer. Thank you.
I am in a marriage and as a result I am suffering in my body, mind and spirit. I need God’s touch.
I have been married 2 years to a man that was emotionally, mentally, manipulating, and a physical abuser for the past ten years of our relationship. I pushed him to marry me still because we have 2 sons and I did not see any other way because I had been working in the home instead of having an outside job. I felt in my heart it was the wrong thing to do but did it anyhow. I had been going through the motions for so long I felt it’s what I had to do.
Well, for the past 2/3 years I have felt very unconnected from him, I have had multiple affairs and am not proud. He knows and still wants to work on it but I feel I don’t. Very confused what to do now help?
Ashley, you’ve done things your way in marrying and then not honoring what this marriage is supposed to be about. Why not go God’s way? Please reread this page, and you will see how to do that. They say that stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. You can talk to someone personally when you go into the Need Him link. I encourage you to do that. If you keep going on the way you have you will grow even further apart and your 2 sons, especially, will be the losers as the whole marriage will be thrown into the trash. You need godly guidance. You need wisdom and help beyond what you and anyone else can do. Please read and ask God for help in unraveling this thing. I hope you will and pray for you as you lean into the Lord for help.
I’ve been married 10 years and I’ve loved the whole ten years. I’ve been with different women not sexual but flirting. Now my wife says she’s at the point that she doesn’t want to be married any more and she doesn’t feel the same. She says she doesn’t even want me touching her. I understand the pain I put her through and the disrespect. I understand that I’m here wanting to make a change for our family but she said she doesn’t feel the same. I need some help to figure out how to win a marriage back.
Jermale, Truly, the best advice we can give you is to seek God and ask Him for direction. Also, prayerfully read what we have posted on this web site. We have a lot of articles posted that with God’s guidance, and your effort as you follow His leading, could help you to win your wife back. I pray so. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Hi I am going to get right to the point. My husband and I have been married 22 years and we have five children. I love my husband but we have always had a rough relationship. He’s the kind of guy who lets it be known if he doesn’t like something or someone. He has a strong dislike of most of the people in my family. I have always tried to keep the peace by giving him what he wants and “yessing” him when he complains. I know that isn’t healthy but I don’t know any other way to keep things from getting out of hand. He has a pretty bad temper but he has never hit me. It’s more yelling screaming and putting me down.
The weird thing is about half the time he tells me I’m amazing and he’s proud of me? What a great wife/ mother I am etc. I often start to believe him. Because life is so much easier when he’s happy so why rock the boat? The thing is that in the last, I’d say 4 years or so, he has taken things in a different way. He has always wanted a lot of sex. I try to give him as much as I can but I can’t do it as much as he would like. Truth be told because of his treatment of me over the years (it’s a very long story but let’s just say he’s not my friend) I don’t really want to be with him very often. The irony is he doesn’t see it at all. He thinks he’s a great guy who just has a bad day. Sometimes, meanwhile, if I just mention someone in my family his entire demeanor changes. He starts saying things like “Oh those people” or he starts putting them down usually starting with my dad and he will literally go on for hours.
I apologize because I’m trying to sum up 22 years of problems in a short space and I can tell I’m sort of all over the place. The big issue is (and I’m not trying to be rude here but I have to explain clearly) I’m ashamed to say it but he keeps asking me for different kinds of sex and he pushes me to do things with toys etc., that I’m mortified to do. I’m ashamed to say I just give in because as he says if I give him what he wants it will keep him happy and he’ll be in a good mood etc. It’s so much easier to just get it over with rather then listen to him complain that I’m a prude or getting old and I’m no fun etc. Even when it comes to regular sex he’s never happy. If I’m busy or had a long day I would still be willing to do a quickie for him but he complains that I don’t want to give him a real good time and he never accepts a quickie or he complains after that it wasn’t good enough.
He constantly says I have to put on a show for him. He calls me lazy in bed if sex doesn’t go on for over an hour. I have to talk dirty to him, which is so totally against my nature I can’t put it into words. He says I’m boring because I can’t come up with anything nasty to say or because I don’t sound convincing. I can’t go for a simple ride in the car with him because once we start driving he wants me to show him what I have and then he’s always asking me what I’m going to do for him later. (He constantly asks for things in the car and I’m ashamed to say I’ve obliged him in the past all the while praying to God we didn’t get in an accident and leave the children without parents, it is so totally nerve wracking to be in that situation.)
Whenever I’m done doing things for him lately I can’t look at myself in the mirror. He was always big into sex but all the hard core stuff started the last couple of years or so. I know I’m going on and some of this isn’t clear but I hope it makes some sense. I know I would have divorced him years ago if I had the resources but I also don’t want to share my children half the time. He’s a decent father -not great -but he does love the children and just about a year ago he started working two jobs to pay for the older children’s college and some extra bills. He has a lot of good qualities he just doesn’t respect me or basically care about how I feel. He plays a game, he takes me away for my birthday or buys me something he thinks I’d like but when he does that then I’m sort of indebted to him, he’ll say things like “Oh great I did all this for you and you can’t even give me something I want; that’s not fair.”
Meanwhile, I’ve already told him that I’d be happy to have sex with him but what he wants makes me uncomfortable. I think I should leave him but I don’t want to put my children in that situation; they know we fight a lot but they would be devastated if we divorced. Plus I’m afraid he would take his frustrations out on the older children if I wasn’t around. I know this is a lot but I would appreciate some guidance. Also I know this sounds like I’m bashing him but believe me I know I’m not perfect and I’m part of the problem. I don’t always keep the house clean and I think I have less patience the older I get. Anyway thank you for any help.
Oh Chris, I’m so, so sorry your marital relationship has gone in this sour direction. How I pray it will make a turn around in a positive direction (I’ve seen that happen many, many times). I pray that God will give you wisdom, direction, insight, and hope as you turn to Him for it. I don’t perceive you to be a complainer at all, nor do I think you gave too much information. I just sense that you are extremely frustrated and confused by all that has been happening in your marriage.
As for the problems you’re having, I have to admit that they’re more complicated than I can go into within this format. But please go into the different topics we make available (I’m thinking that the “Sexual Issues” and also the “Pornography and Cybersex” topics may be helpful… because I have a feeling your husband is “experimenting” –trying to get a bigger and bigger high from sources, which could mislead him). Also, I don’t know if it will help you, but Mark Gungor gives a great (and funny) marriage seminar titled, “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” in which he talks about sexual issues in part of the seminar. I found a copy of this part of the seminar posted on You Tube at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9BJ7I33dqs. I encourage you to watch the whole portion by yourself, before you even consider showing any part of it to your husband. Some of it may not be something you will want to use, but it has good info within it (especially in the latter half), that will explain some of what’s going on in your sexual relationship with your husband. Again, many of the articles (and links) posted within the topics I recommend could give you further insight. It’s important to get yourself better educated before you would want to further talk to your husband about any of this.
And when you do talk to your husband, make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. – which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times. As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time, “A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.” So, the point is, to ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from your him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.
Also, you may need more one-on-one wise insight given to you concerning this issue, and more. I recommend you go the the web site for Focus on the Family at http://www.focusonthefamily.com and find their contact info. You will see that they have counselors on staff who could talk to you to give you a bit more guidance after hearing what you share with them. I wish we could interact with you on a one-to-one talking basis, but we aren’t official counselors –we’re marriage educators, and we just aren’t set up to do that, so it would be best to talk to someone at Focus on the Family. (But first read and watch the You Tube video and then you will better know what questions you would still need guidance on, concerning your marriage problems.) I pray God gives you insight beyond your imagination of what you could learn on your own on what to do about these marriage matters. May the Lord give you help and hope :)
Good day. My wife and I are separated now for 2 months living in different cities. It was not my choice to leave but hers and her mother’s. We talked regularly via sms and phone calls where she told me how much she loves and misses me and that I can fly back later so we can work on our marriage. Well that changed in an instant too. She doesn’t love me anymore and she filed for divorce. I really, truly love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her but she doesn’t want to hear that.
Being 5 years together and 4 and a half years married I can’t believe that love just fades away. My trust is in God to restore my marriage and turn her heart and mind back to me. God will never go against someone’s free will, but God also hates a divorce. I don’t want to divorce because I love her too much. I just don’t know what to do because she also said she will get a restraining order against me if I come close to her. I’m torn to pieces because I really have no idea why all of a sudden we go from working on our marriage to divorce???