The following was written by Dr. Lynn Weiss. She was asked the following questions concerning a spouse who has an awful temper:
QUESTION:
My spouse has an awful temper but blames me for causing it. What can I do to avoid triggering it? Is there anything I can do to take the steam out of his temper if he won’t work on it?
ANSWER:
When you two are in a calm mood, ask him what hurt him. Then, practice saying things in a matter-of-fact way. Know, however, that he needs to take responsibility for his display of temper.
Do not reinforce his temper. When he blasts off, do not argue. The most you want to say is, “I’ll talk with you when you’re calm.” You may need to wait until he is calm to say this.
Most people with tempers will display just as much temper as they can get away with. So, if you don’t like the temper outbursts, tell him you are simply unwilling to put up with them. Tell him what will happen when he allows his temper to get out of control. You might say, “When you yell, I’m going to leave the house. I’ll return when you speak in a normal voice.” Then you must be willing to follow through. You will find that you can set the limit anywhere you want and, if you mean it, the person will adjust his behavior.
Dr Weiss also addresses the issue of controlling your own temper. The following is advice she’s written to help you with this problem:
GETTING YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL:
The earlier temper control is begun, the easier it is to effect alternative ways for its management. A temper is something that lives only through reinforcement. It can be controlled in the child if the child is taught to find other means to get his or her needs met. But, because that rarely happens, let’s pick up on the adult level, learning how to break the temper cycle.
Temper gets a particular hold those with ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder] because of the tendency for emotional flooding to occur.
So, here are some tips:
• Never try to deal with a temper when it is active.
• Make plans when all is calm, cool, and collected.
• Acknowledge that you have a temper.
• Forget the business of blaming others. Someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may have triggered your anxiety, surprised you, or frightened you, but your reaction is your responsibility.
• You must realize that there are other ways to react to the stress. And with your willingness, you can learn alternatives that work particularly well for you in dealing with family and work settings, the places where temper is most likely to work against you.
1) Decide on a signal that means it’s time to stop whatever is going on.
In our house, it’s the “time out” sign used in sports. Anyone in the family can use it and we automatically stop—no questions asked. The questions can come later. This time-out breaks into the flooding and stops the emotions from taking over.
Tell your partner, “I’m going to read for a while.” If others are around, tell them you’ll be back in a little while. Go to the store for milk if you have to. If it is your partner who’s having the trouble, be nonchalant with other people and just say, “He’s taking a break.”
2) Identify the feeling underlying the anger. “I feel helpless in this situation.” — “I felt frightened when that car pulled out in front of me.” — “I feel put down by you.”
Be honest. It may be hard at first, but pays off once you’ve learned to do it. Start by making the statements to yourself, if it’s too difficult to do so with others initially.
3) Ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I need to feel better or become a winner here? How can I get it?”
4) Promise yourself that you will continue to work to get what you want without throwing a temper tantrum.
5) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You’ll be surprised how quickly you can break the temper cycle by following these steps. It is not a long, trying process—unless someone around you enables you to continue with your temper or even cultivates it by reinforcing it. They do you no favor but probably don’t know any better, so you might as well make up your mind to open up alternatives in spite of them.
QUESTION:
I used to have a temper but it is much better now that I’ve been working on it. My husband still reacts as if I have one though. How can I get him to stop?
ANSWER:
Ask him, “What will it take to get you to relax? I’ve changed and I need you to catch up with my changes.” Do realize, though, that it may take several months for him to catch up. It won’t happen all in one day, either. So some patience on your part is wise.
QUESTION:
Are there certain circumstances when a person’s temper will be more likely to erupt even after control measures have been learned?
ANSWER:
Tiredness is the biggest culprit I know. Also, keep track of the amount of stress that you are under. Times of change are high stress times and likely circumstances for an explosion.
[Marriage Missions Editor’s Note: Keep in mind that if you’re too busy to be kind —you’re too busy. You need to look to see what life style choices can be made so this stressful time can be defused in such a way that you’re able to approach life as marital partners —not enemies. Your spouse is not to be treated as the enemy.
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not pay evil with evil or insult with insult , but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it “ (1 Peter 3:8-11).]
The above article came from the writings of Dr Lynn Weiss in her secular book, Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults: A Different Way of Thinking
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage Communication and Conflict
(US) I’m still not too sure…just hurt
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 31 years to a backslidden Christian man, who has a ferocious temper. It has been very hard on myself and our children (son 21 and daughter 17) but I thank God that He has kept me sane. As time goes on, I can see a change in my husband. I am learning to speak up if I find his language is too much and keep praying that he will be drawn back to his first love for the Lord. I realise that I can only change myself, not him. He must be left for God to sort out!
If I can be of any encouragement to anyone out there, I would love to offer my support.
(USA) Julia, I was encouraged to read your info. I am married to a man who has a bad temper. He says he is a Christian but does not display the fruits. He is physically handicapped and battles with a sense of inferiority. He does work and is a great provider. He recently bought a car that was out of our budget and we are living beyond our means. We rarely have intimate relations due to the injuries he received in several auto accidents. We will celebrate our 7th anniv. in Jan. I feel like we are just roommates.
He doesn’t like to discuss any of our problems. The blame is usually transferred to me. Normally, I don’t speak up. I believe in being submissive and a soft answer turns away wrath. But it seems like things keep getting worse. I am really struggling and am praying for strength and God’s direction. Any encouragement would be appreciated. God Bless You.
(USA) Sounds just like my husband, who is just like that. He says he is a Christian, but he has no spiritual fruits, and he shows how bitter and angry he is at society, the system, people and his parents. And yes, the blame is usually transferred to me, too!
I feel your pain and struggle, I pray for him and continue to do so! My self-esteem went up these past over 2 &1/2 yrs that he’s been in prison, but he will be coming back within 9 months, and tonight was the 1st time in many months that we had a bad disagreement and the blame was transferred to me. I felt bad and hurt when he said all this attitude is starting to come around now that it’s getting closer, meaning his release from prison.
I keep praying for him and realize I can’t change him, but he admitted too after I apologized to him that he has temper issues and they haven’t been exactly good lately. So that is probably some progress there. He talks about how hateful the people are here in my village and wishes I could change my mind to move us away some place, but I have a house here and grandchildren under the age of 6 who finally have a house of their own, close by 4 houses down. I just needed to let this out, but any comments would be helpful, thank you!!
(USA) If you have a choice to leave this person at an early age, let’s say three years after you have met him and still have no kids with him, after knowing what you know about his temper and that he never changed, well just leave. Need your advice because I do pray for him to change but as you said you can only change yourself and no one else.
(USA) Judy, I am experiencing basically the same problems, except that I have been married only for 5 months and my husband is healthy for the most part. But, he’s too focused on his job and other volunteer work he’s doing for some military war Veterans. It looks like I’m the last on his list to share or give any time to because he’s always busy… there is no energy for anything else.
He is a great provider but he continuously blames me for pretty much anything that goes wrong whether this is something worth fighting or not. I feel helpless and very discouraged most of the time. We argue more than we have good times. I have tried different strategies to keep the peace, but I feel that he actually enjoys arguing but not having “love demonstration” time. God bless and thanks for sharing. I thought I was the only woman dealing with this.
(INDIA) I am changing my name. My husband has a very foul temper. I have put up with it 3 years before marriage, and married him in the hope that he will change. It’s 8 years now past marriage, but it has only worsened. I have been abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I have reached a stage where I don’t want to make up anymore. I don’t want to make up in the fear that I am going to be hurt again.
He doesn’t abuse my physically anymore, but verbally and emotionally and mentally he tears me apart. All the time I am praying to God to make me die. I do not have children. He blames me for each and everything that goes bad. He blames me if he is stuck in a traffic jam; he blames me if there’s a problem at the office or at home. If it rains, it doesnt rain – anything and everything, I get the blame.
I feel I will be better off out of the marriage or better still dead. However much I want I cant bring myself to be normal. I am a very emotional person and sentimental. He abuses and hurts me beyond repair.
(NIGERIA) Hello Mary, I feel bad for you. I think you need to ask God to direct you on what to do next. Please be powerful. It’s a phase you will soon pass.
(USA) MARY, I want to encourage you not to want to end your life over a man. Ever. They are not worth it. Yes, you made vows before God and I am a Christian. But he is in sin if he is abusing you. You can have a brand new life if you leave and maybe even save your life. There are men out there who won’t abuse you. And God can bring him to you. The Bible does not tell you to submit to abuse. In fact, it says God hates a man who covers his wife with violence. Hitting is not the only type of abuse there is. I say get out get healthy and save yourself.
(UNITED STATES) I am so sorry. I feel for you. I do not condone divorce but you deserve to be treated like a human being and you are worthy and valuable. He does not know what a precious woman he has. So sorry.
(UNITED STATES) Dear INDIA, I am a married woman that has a husband that has a temper and I know how that is. He gets loud and starts screaming when something really gets to him, and has even broken things in our house. But he has never been abusive to me, not physically, only verbally a few times. I put a stop to him telling him that he had to change and gave him an ultimatum.
I don’t want to offend anyone but saying that you have to pray to God to help your spouse is a very passive way of dealing with this situation. You have to start a constructive and evolving process to change the direction of your relationship, that integrates love, communication and respect for each other. Just praying won’t do anything. I understand that financially and emotionally we stay with people that hurt us, expecting them to change. But for a successful change, it needs to come from the heart, from both of you. I think that the most important thing is to want the change and to fight for it (with your spouse and his commitment) to finally reach a healthier and happier relationship.
Think about it well, and do it for you and your family.
(INDONESIA) Mary, I felt exactly what you described, but the difference is I was just married and I had a bad experience with my husband. He often tortured me mentally and physically. He felt that he is my superior. Everything that he asked must be fulfilled as soon as possible. if I can’t do that, he just scolded me, yelled and cursed our marriage. If I said something on that situation, he would just hit my legs and nudge something to my lips.
I feel depressed and pray to God to take my life, because I feel no future if I have divorced. God says in a Bible that “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” Matthew 19 verse 6. Thank you for sharing GBUs
(USA) Hi Julia, I really need some encouragement. Your situation sounds a little like mine, only I have been married a year. My husband is not violent with me at all and is very sensitive to my hypersensitivity. In general, he is a great guy who loves me very much. I don’t fear being hurt or abused, but do fear that he will misrepresent our family with his words or actions, should a tough situation come about. He is a Christian, but has a lot of growth to encounter and I am praying hard that God will work in his heart. He is working on becoming more of a spiritual leader, as I am working on letting him lead. I don’t know how to calm him down when something upsets him and the worst part is I think it effects me negatively even more than him- I get extreme anxiety and nervousness when he is upset. I would appreciate your insight. Lisa
(USA) I am just trying to get over how shockingly similar your situation is to mine. I know my husband would never hit me or hurt me physically or even come close to it. I just have to deal with the screaming and yelling part of it and that doesn’t seem to make things any better. He gets so angry that he even does things like hit his head on walls and kicks and throws thing around.
I even told him one day that his temper flares remind me of an on-coming thunderstorm, you know how you can see the dark clouds coming in the distance and eventually the thunder and lightning get there. Our arguments are like that. I just know that when we disagree, it’s like a “severe thunderstorm warning.”
I have felt like leaving and sometimes I’ve even asked GOD why HE let me marry him if HE knew my husband was that way. I went out on a limb to marry him and this is what I get, a man who isn’t serious about GOD and has a bad temper, cusses me out, smokes, hanging out with his buddies before going to church… and the list goes on. If I would have known the things that I know now, boy Oh boy. I was warned by my previous Pastors not to marry him until we got counseling but me and my hardheadedness just overruled that. I know how discouraging it can be, I could type a book right now… GOD help me. GOD bless you sister, hope all is well =)
(SA) I’m married nearly 3 years. My hubby has temper issues and abused me verbally. It hurt a lot. I have learned to keep quiet. He broke a few things. But I feel that my safety is at stake & want to move out before it is too late…
(USA) My goodness! I thank God for you. Your post truly spoke volumes to me. I grew up in a stress free environment. We didn’t raise our voices to be heard. There were as few as three incidences in my immediate family’s existence where a heated discussion occurred– when I was 19 and twice when I was 28. Needless to say, it has become very difficult and hurtful when my husband has outbursts and temper-filled emotions over the most common things: traffic, because something didn’t go his way, because I ask him to complete a tasks that benefits the household (like cleaning up after himself). It honestly scares me, and I want to get a hotel room for a few days and let God stir him in a holiness pot of “Calm Down” water.
In the meantime, I’ll keep praying and will just removed myself, as the notes suggest on this page, until the temper demon vacates the premises. Bless you!
(MALAYSIA) What will you do if you keep removing yourself and it doesn’t work? What if you are in a car and he drives crazily? Or, if you are trying to remove yourself, he stops you and follow you? What if your children copy his example? These are questions I ask myself also.
(USA) What did you wind up doing Denise? I feel like you are me and I am so emotional I can’t even type.
(USA) Julia, I am not married to a very religious man, but one who does have a “ferocious” temper, to borrow your word. He is very smart, logical, hard working, loving and passionate; but with great passion, comes great emotion. The outbursts leave me (and him) reeling into darkness, sometimes for days. I am inspired by your faith and strong love for your family. I hope I can be inspired to have more patience and the strength to remain calm during the storm.
(UNITED STATES) My heart goes out to anyone in an abusive situation. I am currently in an abusive situation. My husband has hit me in the past and I had him arrested. He promised that he would never hit me again. He is a hard worker and has a great deal of stress.
Last month, the verbal abuse began and it continues. I just want to run away. He blames me for anything and everything. He constantly puts me down and says I could never make it without him. He says that I am the reason that he is in debt and it isn’t true. If anything breaks down then I am blamed. If we run out of milk then I am screamed at and told that it is my job to make sure we don’t ever run low or out of anything.
He also degrades my career. I am mentally exhausted. Please pray for me and I will pray for you. I know that I am far from the perfect wife but I am tired of this cycle of abuse. I just don’t know how much more I can take because I am starting to greatly dislike him.
(UNITED STATES) Hi Caring Kim, My heart goes out to you and I pray that it gets better for you and for me as well, because I too am in a similar situation. The only difference is that we have a child that has seen it in the past and as a protective mother, nobody wants that for their child.
We separated last year for 5 months with a restraining order and court ordered parenting and anger management classes. But that didn’t even help. We got back together in the attempt to save our marriage for the sake of our child and our commitment to God. He still loses his temper, talks about me, my family, and gets physical. Everytime I try to leave, he takes my stuff and stops me. One smart thing he started doing is remove our child from our room and takes him to his mom’s.
I don’t want to give any advice on what you should do as in leave him or not, unless I take my own advice. But I will pray for you as I ask you to do the same for me. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and to be strong.
(CANADA) I just got married to my fiancee whom I courted for 7 years. It was a long distanced relationship and never really got to know his anger/temper side of him cause we only spent a few times together, and spent the rest on phone.
Now that we are married and I’m living with him I see his anger sides. He’s saying a lots of abusive words to me, and sometimes rushes toward me to hit me or throw things (like bunch of keys at me). The last that happened I told him if he yells and sleeps in the living room I will leave the house, which I did though later, came back with our family friends sorting out issues for us.
I really love this man and would like to stay put to my marriage cos of the background and culture where I come from. How can I avoid or ignor him when anger starts? Please advise! Thanx.
(USA) Dear Julia, I am a Spirit-filled Christian but my husband is a carnal Christian professing Jesus but often acting like the devil. I love him very much, but after many years of marriage I feel beaten to a pulp! His ADD–but especially his horrible temper and rages–have caused us great emotional distance and a soul-sadness in me which has not yet been healed. His issues have prevented us from knowing the joys of life (a home and family) but I am strong on forgiving and giving unconditional love to him. Any encouragement you could provide would be greatly appreciated. God bless you, Julia! En agape, Kay
(USA) Hi I can relate. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Married for one out of the 5. The entire time we have lived together, out of those five years, I can count 5 or 6 times when he blows up and gets upset over very little things. He never hits me just things around him. Once he hurt himself. He will admit that he has an anger problem but he won’t go and get help because he believes the only one to help him is God, which is true. I don’t know what to do.
He tells me I am partially responsible for him getting upset because I am nagging and need to let things go. I don’t yell or curse. My simply talking to him upsets him and I am tired of trying to nit pick at what I can or can’t say. I know that on the last incident I did nothing wrong. I feel like you can’t control what anybody says to you so you have to control your temper.
I read my Bible and consider myself a Christian still learning the Bible, but I have faith and I believe with every ounce of me in God. Because He just started classes to become a pastor or counselor he dictates to me how he looks at things from a Christian perspective but I am still worldly. I pray everyday all day. If only you knew some things he has said. I will keep praying and having faith for all of us.
(GUYANA) I understand what you really mean. I leave it to the Lord to change him. That is what I do say to myself. But I really wish one day that my husband will change.
(USA) My husband has a hair-trigger temper and blows up over the slightest things. He then lets out a stream of cursing that goes on and on. I can only listen to this for so long and then I tell him to stop it (sometimes I yell back which doesn’t help).
We’ve been married almost 30 yrs and when he worked the 5 days he was at the office, it gave me time to recover from the weekend. Now that he’s retired and always around, I have to listen to these tirades and then find myself blowing up at him for swearing and ruining the day. This is a constant thing. For all the years we had a pool and never spent time with him in it -because I didn’t want to be around his bad attitude. Same for walking, etc.
He acknowledges his temper, but blames me for not leaving him alone. He also never apologizes. I am a Christian and pray for him (he is one too, but he seems totally out-of-control and doesn’t appear to want to stop it). There are times his displays of temper give me pause and make me wonder why I’ve stayed. As a Christian, I know that I am to try and help him and my Lord has given me the ability to deal with it. Love/marriage is a committement and I’m trying.
(USA) Hi Maggie, I to know what you’re going through.This year will be 31 years. My husband had a violent temper. I’m glad because it’s not as bad as it was. I got saved 5 yrs into the marriage; I prayed 18 years and waited for him to come to God. He was an alcoholic for yrs., abusive both physically and mentally. Now we are both missonaries and he is starting to get out and preach. But he doesn’t always practice what he preaches. He gets angry and swears up a storm. I hate it. The more I try to love those that are persecuting me the more it happens. I will pray for you.
I can truly relate to lots of your situations, bad temper, fussing all the time, wants his way, blames others for his issues, and the list goes on and on. I also can say that I have not managed this situation the way the Lord would like but each day I pray for understanding and fortitude to continue to pray for him, as there are times, that I just don’t want to pray. But as a Christian, I know that is my strength.
He has nothing good to say about me. But knowing that I am a “child of the king” is enough. We have been married 19+ years, and counting. But, one thing that has come to me, via the Holy Spirit, is that the Lord is working on me during this mess. I have found that submitting to the Lord is much more important than anything else. I am no angel but He is showing me more creative ways to face each day, and where the temper points are, and that is a good thing.
I will not put up with any abuse, violence, or outbursts, and he NOW knows that, as I have stood up to him. I realize that I am able to do without him, and he knows it. So with that said, I would suggest that you find some kind of job, get away from him, and leave him to his days of fussing and complaining. Trust me, that really works. And another thing I have realized, just several days ago, is that all “his stuff” does not really matter to me or anyone else. How freeing that is! God is good, and His love endures forever.
Find some freedom for yourself, with friends, activities, a creative job, and leave him home to pout!!! Trust me, it really works. Learn to turn him off, not just the sound, but the bad behavior, anything. Get busy, and let God do the rest for you.
And for the others suffering from abusive men, leave, take your children, and let God be your mainstay. If you need finances, apply for help, get a restraining order, do whatever you have to do, but do it for you and your children, or they will end up doing the same thing to someone else. YOU can stop the chain of bad behavior. Go to a support group, find a friend, a Pastor, a church family, and head that direction, NOW.
My husband’s behavior comes from an abusive father, an abused mother, not nice people, to say the least. Get into action. Make some waves that are safe, and head out of that environment. God is able. But you have to take the necessary steps that are needed. There are people out there that will help you. You need to find them NOW. Blessings and safety in His arms, Paula
(USA) My husband has been in prison for 31 months now and he has 9 months left. When he went in he had a temper. He gets into bad temper tantrums where I end up being yelled at. We were doing so well and seemed to be getting along a whole lot better than before. But today when he called he started to have an attitude and then we got cut off. He called back about a little over half an hour later, then he asks me why I hung up on him, and then says, now that it’s getting closer all this crap is starting to come around again.
I told him that I knew that this same kind of talk was going to come around where I’d be the blame for his attitude, and I think he expects us to have a perfect marriage. Then when we have minor disagreements he gets agitated and frustrated, and says that it’s because I was sounding or acting funny.
I can see I am so tired of this. All this time that we’ve been separated through prison I’ve discovered in myself that my self-esteem was really low when we were together. Throughout these 30 months, I can say that I like myself for who I am, no one blaming me or yelling at me or throwing temper tantrums. I am starting to doubt if things will be different when he comes home. I think I’m having flashbacks of when he was in prison a couple of times before but for shorter periods.
I don’t want to leave him, but I love this “freedom” that I’ve experienced for over 2 yrs. I know that I cannot change him. He did admit to his quick-temper tonight and that he has thought about it. But I think he needs to realize that he has anger and really deep bitterness issues that are keeping him from growing spiritually. I thought I’d share on here when I found this site by googling! Thank you for listening!!
(CANADA) I am currently going through the verbal and emotional abuse with my husband who is a devout Christian. He has a major anger problem which seems to be triggered whenever he is under a lot of stress, when I do not agree with him, or when things do not go as planned. He also gets really angry whenever I ask him a general question like, ‘how was your day? what did you learn?’
I’ve come to realize that his childhood has a lot to do with his display of anger. He came from an abusive family where his mom would frequently beat him. If he came home from school late or did not perform to 100% he would get punished by physical beating. Interestingly, his outbursts of anger towards me is his way of reacting to things as if he was still a child. He sees me as his mom, even though I am so very different from her.
I thank God for helping my husband realize he has an anger problem and needs help. I thank God for surrounding us with mature Christian friends. And I thank God for keeping me safe and showing me love during these hard times.
My question is, how does one who has suffered abuse get back to being normal? It is much easier to heal when one does not live together with the abuser, but I am married and see each other daily.
(INDIA) Hi, I am a recently married young lady. I’ve been married 6 months to a divorced guy aged 30, and I am 26 yrs old. I dated him just for a week and then married him. Earlier he was too lovable and caring towards me and had polite words but after a month he began to show his true nature, like he has a very dramatic and ferocious temper, which I couldn’t even realize in a month or so. Now during very minor talks he gets heated up and throws things and even talks about separation. He has even suicidal instincts. I mean at very minor talks he heats up and goes into harming himself. Scares me of slitting his wrists or burning himself.
I don’t know whats my fault in all this or if he was the same always. So nowadays I have started complaining about him to my family and mother. He even doesn’t like me to talk to my mom. He always suspects me of complaining about him. He doesn’t like me having connection with any of my guy or girl friends so because of him I have been cut out of all friends and relatives, no friends, no phone calling. It HAS BECOME A BORING LIFE WITH NO ENTHUSIASM. Or is this what the married life is?
(USA) To all of you in an emotionally destructive relationship… I’ve been married for 30 years to a man with anger issues that is verbally abusive at times. I can say as a whole, PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE. They may calm down somewhat, but this issue is long term. I have prayed and sought help many times but never left for good because I love him. I am starting counseling next week and want my kids to also.
If I had to do over, I would have left while my kids were small so that they did not have to experience his anger. I feel now that I’m 50 and my kids are older (they still live at home) I don’t want to start all over with another relationship. I don’t know what I would do without my husband after spending 30 years with him. My advice is to leave while you’re young and can start over. Not all men are like this. Trust me, people don’t change. They may try, and God can work in them, but this will be a lifelong struggle… please consider my advice.
(USA) Hi Sydney, I know what you mean. I just turned 50 and have been with my husband 31 yrs. God has done a lot in him but still, arrogance and anger rear their ugly heads. I wish this leopard would change his spots. Will be praying for you.
(USA) Hi Julia from South Africa, I am a Christian, married to a West African Christian man. He has a hot temper whenever I try to question something that concerns me about our marriage or something that has the potential to hurt us as a family. We have three kids under the age of 6. Any advice?
It is so hard dealing with this but divorce is not an option for me … It is very tempting, but I stand by my vows for better, for worse, good or bad. He tends to use verbal abuse as well, curses me out, and acts like I am not in the house. Help!
(ZIMBABWE) Just keep praying dear. One day he will change. There is nothing impossible with God. One thing you should realise is that you will never change your husband’s behavior, only God can. Just put your trust in the Lord and respect him as your husband, irregardless of his behavior. You will be amazed with the hand of the Lord.
(USA) Not to disagree, but I have been praying and stayed with my husband for 30 years and am still in the same situation. My kids are now showing the effects of living with this anger. They are now 21 and 24. God can change anyone, that is true, but they have to surrender themselves to him first. To want to change and ask God to help is not enough. God does not expect us to be “door mats” and be walked all over by our husbands. Make a stand and take your children and leave. Maybe that will give him a wake up call. If not, at least you and your children are safe from the verbal abuse and destruction it causes. You can keep praying and loving him at a distance.
(USA) MY HUSBAND HAS A AWFUL TEMPER. I REALLY THINK HE COULD BE BIPOLAR OR SOMETHING. HE TAKES IT OUT ON ME AND SOMETIMES THE KIDS. HE NEVER OWNS UP TO HIS REACTION AND HOW IT EFFECTS OUR KIDS. I ASKED HIM TO GO GET HELP BUT HE SAYS IT’S ME, HE IS FINE. WHAT DO YOU DO? I WANT MY FAMILY BUT I AM SO TRIED OF THE YELLING. I AM TO THE POINT THAT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. I FEEL LIKE WE ARE NOT MARRIED, WE JUST LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AND HAVE KIDS TOGETHER. I AM MARRIED BUT A SINGLE MOM. WHAT DO YOU DO????
(CANADA) Wow, I can totally relate… mind you I have been separated for 1 1/2 years now and I think he’s going to file for divorce. But my husband had a nasty temper… I would always get the blame for this anger. It was always something I did to set off his anger… he never would get help … I used to pray that God would do something cause I was going crazy!
Eventually he left! Wouldn’t you know…lol but the singleness gets really lonely sometimes… I do have kids that keep me busy but divorce can be just as nasty. So, I’m on the other side and I have to say it’s kinda lonely …being that I’m not divorced yet. I can’t really get involved with another man. It’s really a sad time for us… I keep praying for him and “his girlfriend” that God would prick his heart …and realize that he needs to get back in the word and pray and seek Gods face and try to work on the marriage. But for now… it’s not happening.
(CANADA) My husband of four years has a temper like no other. I have always thought I could deal with it. I figured my calmness and gentle nature would off set his temper when raising our daughter. I am realizing that this is not so. Our daughter is 4 and throws massive tantrums, kicks at me, swings at me, screams, and sasses. I am so disappointed in myself for not knowing that this was going to happen.
My husband works very long hours, so they don’t get to see each other often and when they do, he is complaining and angry at one or both of us. Is staying together really what’s best for our child, or would we be better off to be alone so I can try to repair some of this damage he has caused? I am so frustrated!!!
(UNITED STATES) I’m in the same situation except we have two kids…I don’t know what to do anymore! It’s mostly verbal and emotional, but he has physically abused me too. Blames me almost everytime. I was married before to an abuser. He protected me from my X and now has become that which he hated. I don’t know how to fix him. I don’t want another divorce, but I don’t want my kids thinking this is ok treatment and actions. He’s also spent all our money and is ruining my credit (most things in my name) with late fees and bills.
(USA) I would love to be able to give you good advice, but all I can do is tell you what my life is like. I have stayed with my husband for 30 yrs. He he continues to swear and yell at my girls who are now 21 and 24. My oldest has down syndrome. I never had anywhere to go or the money to leave. He provided security for us. He has a horrible temper but at the same time loves his girls and me. He tries very hard to overcome this, but never has. I have prayed for him and our family and angonized over this for 30 years.
I am now seeing what the effects of his anger have done to my kids. My 21 year old is just like him. She has a very short temper and is most of the time not pleasant to be with. My 24 year old that has downs, has just started to come to me asking if we can live somewhere else. I am now faced with the decision of separation. Where do I go after 30 years? I have come to rely on him. He can be a wonderful person at times, kind of like two people.
I don’t know what I will do at this point. We have had many long conversations and he is very sad that his family has been affected by his anger. If I had to do over, I would have taken my kids and started a new life away from him while they were young so that they did not have to live with this emotional and verbal abuse. I’m praying for guidance because at this point. I feel it is too late for us. My husband is very depressed because he feels like a failure. I am seeing a couselor tomorrow.
(CANADA) I feel bad for you gals, but I’ve been treated like crap and I’m a guy. She says, “Whats wrong can’t you take it?” I don’t want to. Yah, I’m strong, but I went to jail already and I didn’t touch her. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
(USA) Well, my heart goes out to each and every one of you ladies. It comforts me to know that I am not the only woman in the world that is dealing with an angry husband. I can relate to the woman that said he gets mad when someone disagrees with him. My husband goes nuts when someone doesn’t have the same opinion as him and he is so easily offended.
He’s a wonderful and loving husband until he gets angry, and then he’s a self centered, over-bearing, cussing, and yelling, fit throwing monster. I am trying to find some good Christian counseling for him right now and he has agreed to take it so I am just praying and trusting God to send the right person to us that can help my husband. Good luck to you all. I know it’s not easy.
(USA) “He’s a wonderful and loving husband until he gets angry, and then he’s a self centered over-bearing, cussing, and yelling, fit throwing moster.” -Angela
This describes my husband to a tee. Like Jekyl and Hyde.
I’m reading over the posts and it’s overwhelming to see how much of a pattern there is between men and women with abuse. And in response to Andy, it’s not always the woman who suffers. (Andy, I would suggest getting away from her as quickly and as far away as possible. Divorce is an option when your life is endangered. Your life is endangered too in a different way by going to jail because it ruins your chances of getting work after you serve the time which affects the rest of your life.)
There are many different kinds of abuse and some are more subtle than others. My husband has not physically injured me, but the yelling, screaming, verbal abuse, cursing, name-calling and degrading comments are very painful. I am at my wits end and I guess I have not been the most spiritual person in dealing with it. When we got back together after separating for a year, several years ago, things got better, and I did a lot of praying then. But it is slowly unraveling again and I’m losing hope. Thanks to all who are posting here and sharing your stories. It helps so much to know you all are out there with words of strength and encouragement.
I have been reading all these posts and feel very sorry for you and myself. My heart goes to each of you, my dear sister and friend. My husband is a wonderful and loving man and a good father until he gets angry. and then he’s a self centered, over-bearing, cussing, and yelling, sometimes throwing stuff in the house. Whenever I disagree with him he starts to get mad at me. Whenever he has argument with me it is always my fault. I am always the reason for his bad temper.
I have married him for 20 years and have 4 wonderful kids. The main reason for not divorcing him is our kids. He was not like this in our first 4 or 5 years marriage. He got worse over these years, especially when he has lots of stress and is tired. I am not sure if I can find a man without angry problems or even worse problems. I hope I can see many women’s posts or through other ways to know about their happy second marriage. But unfortunately according to what I heard: the failure rate for second time marriage is 75% (the first time is 50%). So I think divorce is not the way out. I have to find a way to deal with this issue. I am not sure if my prayer is enough. I tried to be more submissive. But sometimes his behavior is just intolerable. To my experience trying to give in makes him getting worse.
I was a doctor before coming to America 20 years ago and stayed at home for 13 years since having my second child. Because of our difficult marriage we were saved 9 year ago. Things got much better after we became Christians. That’s was why we decided to have our last 2 kids (7 1/2 and 4 1/2 years old). But 4 years ago we went back to our old crap time. One reason is we moved to another state and his career suffered. His bad temper all came back whenever I disagreed with him. He gets mad even when other people disagree with him because he thinks he is right. He easily gets offended. He is also very judgmental and arrogant and has a lot of bitterness towards those in high places in church. He is a Christian and used to love to read the Bible and also went to a theological seminary for a year then quit for many reasons.
He does not think he has anger management problem and does not want to get any help. He demands my respect (disagreeing with him equals disrespecting him) and uses his temper to get his way. I always give in because I don’t want our kids to see the nasty fight and suffer. I suffer his verbal and mental abuse on those awful times.
He is an intelligent and diligent man with a Ph.D from a top ivy school. 95% of the time he is a lovely man and a good father and we are a very happy family. Kids are top ranking @ school and doing very good in their sports teams. We cooperate well to run our family and raise good kids. We go for a walk 2-3 times a week after dinner. (Sometimes we disagree during the talk on walk too but I try not to disagree with him. Sometimes that is so hard too because I am a totally different person.) I try to smooth things out but sometimes I don’t want to do that because he makes me so angry too. BTW to me the worst thing is letting our kids know that we are having a fight. It makes my heart ache. I know seeing their parents fight is the worst thing in the world to kids. I suffered in my childhood because my parents had arguments often. I started to love him when we were in middle school. And I still love him.
But during those angry moments, he is so intolerable –my worst nightmare! But I can’t imagine what a mess our life would be if I divorce him. My kids future will be totally ruined. We would consider ourselves to be losers too. Certainly life is going to be more miserable than those occasional nightmares.
1. Thinking about the process of divorce, that will make us half dead.
2. Getting a job after staying at home for 13 years is not going to be easy.
3. I can’t focus to my kids anymore if I got a job.
4. No one will be a better father to my 4 kids than him.
5. The loneliness and helpless (raising good kids is a job of two) will crash over me like a huge mountain. I am 44 years old.
6. Finding a better man is only an unreachable dream. (If you do not have kids and are still young you can try to start all over. But before doing that please try to get some help if possible. )
7. The pressure from friends, family, the society will be tremendous. It is so hard for me to imagine this part.
Because of all the above reasons and others I have not thought of, I decided to stay with him and persevere. The ways I will keep on trying:
1. Pray
2. Try hard to agree with him and be submissive
3. Talk to him when he is calm.
4. If possible I will try to get some help.
I pray that God can help all of us. Love, Grace
(ZIMBABWE) Ladies who have to deal with angry and abusive husbands need to do the following to avoid further clashes:
1. Whenever he is angry and abusing, remain calm, because answering back is like trying to put off a fire by pouring gasoline onto it.
2. Give him time to calm down.
3. Once he is calm, speak to him confidentially and coolly, especially during bed time in that "special room".
4. Ask gently probing questions that lead you to understand his problem(s).
5. During the conversation avoid being emotional. Show him you care, but concerned about his behaviour.
6. Pray with him and give the opportunity to lead your prayers.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All, I am sorry for whats happening to all of you, but at least you guys have been married for quite some time. I’ve only been married for 4 months & I have to put up with my husband’s temper. He does not want to be asked if he did anything wrong or even take responsibility for his actions.
We only see each other during weekends because of working environment, but he goes out with his boys and come back after 12 & leaves me alone every weekend. If I ever ask anything he won’t speak to me for days. He swears at me and he abuses me financially. He stopped showing love to me when he married me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Temper is the fruit of the flesh. Try talking to the person when he is calm.
(CANADA) My husband has developed a much worse temper it seems in the last several years. I am diagnosed bipolar after a very bad spell a few years ago where my temper got worse. But now it’s quite fine on meds. I don’t do as much around the house so that he has to but I am also working and going to school so we can have more money, and we have 3 kids.
He yells at them LOUD a lot, they will cry. It breaks my heart for my daughter, my oldest he has wrestled with and near hit for disrespect. I want to back up his authority and am trying so hard but it is just hard when he sabotages himself like that. I never say he is bad to the kids though, in fact I say he means well, to raise them right, he just doesn’t know the best way and that he loves them.
He has also raised a fist at me but not hit, and berates me sometimes when he is bad like I’m a loser with no friends and should keep my yap shut. Nice. I definitely feel like leaving but have no where to go. And I think he would seriously kill me, like he needs to repent; he’s so scary.
(KENYA) I have been married for more than twelve years now. My husband is educated and has a good job. We have nothing to show for it as he and I never discuss our finances and or make any plans together. We just do what he wants.
This is because he gets angry and/or cross when I make suggestions and or have opinions that are contrary to his own. He hacks my emails, reads them, and gets very angry when I challenge him about this), eavesdrops on my telephone converstations with my friends, family and colleagues. He steals my cellphone and calls my colleagues and male asociates to accuse them of having affairs with me. He even gets cross when his friends call and he is absent and I answer the phone. He accuses me of having an affair with the friend. He accuses me of having an affair with any man that I have come across in my life including his own siblings, friends and our sons.
I don’t even know how I have put up with this. I pray about it but sometimes I am just too numb to react and/or respond. Suprisingly, I am not allowed to touch his phone, his car, question his relationships and any of his actions. I fear he will read this email and trace it right back to me. From my reading this blog and discussing with other people, I understand my husband could be insecure but I really think he is just a bully and at one time this year, I feared for my life and that of my children.
Now I have decided I am on a different path. I have informed his family that I cannot put up with his behavior anymore. I told them to tell him that he can stay or go but either way, I will no longer put up with his abuse and behaving as if he is my god. I have one God who I will answer to at the end of my life. I am a person, more importantly, I might be nothing to my husband, but I am a princess and my father is the King of the world.
I have told my husband that I cannot continue to be abused, dismissed, and accused of infidelity. I asked him for proof and he had none. I have now decided to stand up for myself. For some strange reason, I still want to be with him. I am praying for God’s grace. Of late, my husband has stopped the verbal abuse, the constant put downs, but I can see it is a huge effort on his part. I pray for progress. I draw strength from the posts sent by other people on this page.
(US) Hi Tani, your comments really made me sad, because my life is so similar to yours. I am a male and my wife has a terrible temper. And she blames me for it, rather than taking responsibility for her actions. Talking to her doesn’t do any good because she always has to “win” and be blameless. I, too, have been accused of having affairs that I never had. What really hurts is that she tells her friends, so they think I am a real jerk. It has gotten so bad that I have prayed to God to let me die. And I have trouble understanding why I have to endure this. I feel lost with my life and very lonely. I wish I had some advice for you but I don’t. Just realize that there are others struggling just like you are. And we can’t let others destroy our sense of worth as one of God’s creations. Maybe some day in the future, this will all be behind us. But for now, my life is on a sad course and I don’t know how to change it.
(USA) John, Some of us men are in the same boat. I have seen the attitude you described, someone can start a fight with you and blame it on you to the peer group, and everybody’s mad with you about something you didn’t even start. The person who always has to win, in that they are instigating the consequences that they want to occur – if that makes any sense.
Do not want to die, it’s not worth it. Your wife is not the only one in the world, you are currently in an abusive environment. You are not the only one.
Also I have seen the spouse blaming the other on cheating, even if their doing nothing to condone some terrible behavior (usually cheating) that they are doing to their peer group. It’s a bad sign. Start the 180 process. Start working out (get in the gym or walk for at least 3 days a week), Fish Oil (Helps mood especially if you are depressive); Do things around other people (outside of sphere of influence of your spouse); New hobbies, restore old ones (think about yourself); Minimize thoughts about arguments with spouse. Do not give up. Make it about you, do the 180 and take care of yourself – you will see things differently.
(CANADA) Hey John, What can I say here? I stumbled on this site (maybe God led me here) and as I’m typing this, I’m sitting in a cafe instead of working (salesman) and now nearly a year separated from my own wife who had the worst temper during the first five years of our marriage, even before we got married. I begged God to take me too.
John…I don’t have answers because I’m chocking up and wanting to ball my head off in this place but I can’t. I have been through some of the worst hell that can only be thought of, as unbelievable. Yet through all of my trauma, through all the pain, my wife and I found a way to remain close through this chaotic time. As I type this, my wife is packing up our home with her parents and her son (my stepson). The new owners are there next week. See, I know your pain, but the question is, what can you do?
I used to remember begging my wife to treat me with kindness and respect, to talk to me without lashing out, throwing something, even spitting on me or slapping me. You may ask, how can a man take that kind of abuse? Because dear John, men who truly live with the respect of women and love for their mothers, could never harm emotionally or physically their wife, girlfriend…yet it’s also bad because I grew up observing my mother who I am so close with, being always verbally and emotionally abused and her kept taking it… as she still does today.
How many times I cried in the shower, throughout my day, to escape the marriage because no matter what I tried, and we had counseling, talking… there was always the explosion. Eventually after 5 years, I left one day after an emotional and mental collapse. I went to stay with my parents and after a couple months my wife and I started talking again and reconciled… yet that only lasted for three years (until just this past August).
Riddled with past unresolved emotional chaos, I was feeling bitterness, resentment, anger, and all the bad stuff, really. Mixed with so many other factors like hating her ex-husband because he was and is such a bad human being and still having to be involved because of the son (long story there-call it dead beat dads), mixed with her depression, she went in too soon after our reconciliation, then placed on anti-depressants (a kind she should have never been on because of her pregnancy post-partum-psycosis) which caused a total bi-polar effect that sent everything spiraling into the deeper parts of hell. Where through my own struggles I had to help her through her depressions while still dealing with her anger issues (not as explosive but I still felt abandoned when she would shut down and leave for hours without talking to me) -gasping for breath here- And understanding that she had issues with me because I would always go to my parent’s home everyday for a couple hours during work. I did this in the beginning of our marriage because I was escaping her. However, this lasted throughout the reconciliation because it had been going on for so long. So she felt like second choice. I didn’t bond with her son really, because he saw how his mother treated me during those beginning years, so he learned to distance himself from me.
Do you want more? Then during her breakdowns where she was hospitalized, and went totally crazy, I became further deepened in my own depression wanting to escape the marriage. Everyday looked more and more like the same day. begging God to get me out. Do I just leave I thought? No I couldn’t do that. Do I have an affair? No I couldn’t do that either, but really what’s the difference when you’re mentally wishing to escape anyway, wishing for any woman to sweep you away, fantasying about other women, and then begging God to get you away from who you are laying next to?
Then one day, a week after she got out of hospital, I saw the anger, hate-filled eyes and outburst so I felt abandoned again. That morning, in a panic and chaos, I left. Then what transpired after that was more hell… soon to find myself being hated by her and almost financially destroying us, all from the comforts of the psych-ward.
Yet I stayed by her side, as a true and loving friend. Until one day, even through a relationship she had with a patient in the hospital, I let go, in peace, not of my anger, fear, frustration, and sadness, they remained. But I knew that the marriage could and would no longer work. Yet we became friends and I was a constant in her life even during her stay in hospital.
When she got out I stayed with her at our home, her parents helped tirelessly as well. We put the house up for sale but she was still like a zombie kind of because of the meds. Then as time went by, she was getting better and I encouraged her over and over. My mom warned me though that if I was truly wanting to make this transition and no longer be married, that she would come to relay on me being there all the time and would be more difficult to let go.
Then my wife dropped it on me one day…she didn’t want the marriage to be over, she loved me and wanted to make it work. All I can say is what happened to me next, sent me downhill. In hearing that news I went into a deep depression that I’m still dealing with now. No meds fortunately, God’s been good to me in spending long hours listening. But I couldn’t handle her not letting go and wanting to make it work. So from that came the time of us not speaking because there were too many tears and I felt guilty that I would send her into deeper depression because I couldn’t make it work anymore. So much fear and pain John… so much.
Then one day we came to talk on the phone and eventually started becoming close again in friendship. It seemed to be going well… Notice I say “seemed”… Then the most devastating blow of all… They say that separation or divorce is like a funeral right? It’s true, but these words next would deliver tragedy.
Her older brother, who was married with 2 kids, become a firefighter in his early fourties, a wonderful father, husband, friend, HUMAN BEING… commited suicide after finding out his wife was having an affair. How does one deal with that? I don’t know. But during this time Nicole and I became close because he was her best friend and knew what she was going through… she was and is devastated. And now packing stuff up at the house, finding old pictures, crying over past memories. I find myself crying too…in pain.
I’ve gone to church recently, even taken communion after so many years and confessing to a priest after so many years. But I still feel lost and know that this marriage could not work, even though she wants it in her heart to go on.
There are moments John, where I cry because I want to be able to say to her, “Lets try again” but I can’t. She is a wonderful human being. I will always love her dearly. But the destruction caused to me because of the past, crippled me and I can never get passed it, no matter what the advice is.
So John, is there an answer? Sure. What is it? That my friend is up to you, in your heart, your soul. Because when you think about it John, what is moving around in there? The inner core of you is what GOD created, your soul. Your body is simply your vessel in this un-ending lesson we call life. But if we ask God to light the way through the darkness, he will show us.
Yesterday I walked through my old neighborhood. The place I grew up and remember the innocence of youth. I’ve been doing this every day for a while now. I cried in such deep sorrow yesterday, thinking of my wife packing everything, recollecting a video of her and her son I had just seen of years past… and I asked… I begged God to save me from my despair, to show me a sign that it would be ok. it didnt help John, that the weather was miserable out and snowing and no sun. Yet I walked, I cried and I begged… and out of the grey came the sun. I thankful. I was also cold…but I was thankful.
But none more so than this… as I walked, I came across the old church that I remember walking into as a kid. To my right, in his black cloak and white collar, came a priest walking from his home right next to the church. I said hello, we made small talk, I walked on. I looked up and said thank you.
Truth is John, God does talk to us… we have to listen. It doesn’t make life’s difficulties any easier, but when the tears have been pouring out like a water fall and there’s no one around… He’s there listening, guiding you to where you need to go. Look in John, and look up.
God bless you and guide you. Amen. Peter, A brother in heart
(KENYA) My husband has made me hate men. They demand respect for which they do nothing to earn… I just hate men so much.
(USA) Hi all, I just found this website. I felt really bad when reading most posts. Some women should divorce. There´s no reason you all should keep using up your lives praying for someone that it is not gonna change. Instead, ask God for strength to go on.
I do understand that you all want to keep going with your marriage, because that’s why I got here. Looking for advice on how to deal with a difficult husband. Thank God my husband is not that aggressive but he has abused me emotionally. And my kids also. And that hurts me for sure. My kids are my life, and no one messes with them. Still, their own dad doesn’t respect them. He yells and screams really madly whenever I disagree with him. I’ve been married for almost 8 years… he never changed. His ego is at the top of the Everest… I don’t know what to do. Good luck to you all
(USA) Reading all the discussions, make me feel really sad and I can relate. I need to find the right path, because I’m not sure what to do. I have to beautiful kids, 6 yr old girl and a 3 yr old son. My husband and I have been married to almost 10 yrs and he has a really bad temper. I find myself not telling the truth to him to avoid his outburst in front of our kids. I know that is wrong, but I’m just trying to protect their little ears.
My husband is really verbally abusive when he gets mad and calls me all sorts of names and is very cruel in his words. Again my kids are right in the middle of all of this and sometimes they cry daddy stop, which breaks my heart. When he does say he is sorry, which is not often and it won’t happen again, but then it does happen again. I just don’t know what to do, because he won’t get any help.
He tries to blame me for his temper, but even when things are fine, little things make him mad. The number one thing that bothers him is money and so all the little things make him mad, but that is no excuse, I think. He can be really cruel to me and guess who is front and center? The kids. He has physically hurt me just a couple of times. What bothers me is he only said he is sorry a couple of times and then acts like nothing ever happened.
I feel so hurt and sad all the time and I can’t get over it. I’m trying to set up counseling for myself and church, which my husband won’t do. I’m only together with him for the kids and I’m a stay at home mom, so I don’t have a lot money. When I ask him to leave for a while he won’t. Will someone please give me advice what to do?
(USA) Quit lying. Contribute financially. Clean the house. Cook.
(USA) Mike, I cannot believe you posted this. There is NO EXCUSE for the abuse this woman is enduring. To suggest it’s all her fault with your comment is sooo wrong and now you are mentally abusing her making her think she deserves the abuse. Anyone that treats someone this way will find some other reason to get angry and abusive regardless of what she is doing. There is no justification for abusing another person!!!!
In addition, witnessing the abuse is very damaging to the children. I, as a verbally abused mother, have seen the impact on my children and how they tell me to this day how they wish I would have left their father while he got help. The abused can only do so much in the way of behavior modification and prayer. Only God and the abuser can make a real difference. The abuser must first acknowledge they are abusive and do not handle conflict properly, second repent of the behavior, and third choose to change the behavior through help from God and other methods ie counseling, intervention, medical evaluation/treatment etc.
(NEW ZEALAND) Stephanie, I am sad and sorry to hear about your situation. There is no excuse for your husband’s behaviour. You don’t need to blame yourself. You are not responsible for his behaviour and mistreament of you. That is not how God would treat you.
If you do go for counseling be careful to find someone who understands the dynamics of what is going on. Many Christian counselors and leaders do not understand and will counsel you to pray more and submit more – trust me, this will result in further injury. Joint marital counseling would not be advised, as you would not be free to express your thoughts because of fear of reprisal and he will use it as another way of blaming you.
You need to strengthen yourself. Pray that God will lead you and convict you in the right way. There are MANY resources out there. Hiddenhurt.co.uk, focusministries1.org are a couple of good sites. Try Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom (a pastor who was abusive), Survivors of Verbal Abuse by Patricia Evans, Violence Among Us by Brenda Branson (Christian survivor).
God bless you dearly – and He will provide a way. You are not hopeless.
(USA) Just wanted to thank all of you for your support!! I don’t know what to do because he still won’t get any kind of help or go to counseling. How long do I stay in this situation? I feel so sad and lonely all the time, but I don’t let my kids see that. I just pray things will get better, but inside I know they won’t.
(UK) Hi Stephanie, Firstly… I have reported Mike’s comment – it is bang out of order!
I have 3 kids with my husband and he wouldn’t go for counselling or anything either until I left him – he got the fright of his life & now we are in the process of reconciliation (which I didn’t think was possible) – there was absolutely no talking to him & I hung in until I couldn’t take it a moment longer. Packing my bags was the best thing ever! I didn’t expect it to have any impact – I thought he would say ‘good riddance’ but thru the grace of God he hit rock bottom & realised the severity of his abuse and what we meant to him.
There are some very good articles on this site re: separation. It doesn’t have to be the end, it can be a new beginning of a renewed relationship with your husband. xx