The following was written by Dr. Lynn Weiss. She was asked the following questions concerning a spouse who has an awful temper:
QUESTION:
My spouse has an awful temper but blames me for causing it. What can I do to avoid triggering it? Is there anything I can do to take the steam out of his temper if he won’t work on it?
ANSWER:
When you two are in a calm mood, ask him what hurt him. Then, practice saying things in a matter-of-fact way. Know, however, that he needs to take responsibility for his display of temper.
Do not reinforce his temper. When he blasts off, do not argue. The most you want to say is, “I’ll talk with you when you’re calm.” You may need to wait until he is calm to say this.
Most people with tempers will display just as much temper as they can get away with. So, if you don’t like the temper outbursts, tell him you are simply unwilling to put up with them. Tell him what will happen when he allows his temper to get out of control. You might say, “When you yell, I’m going to leave the house. I’ll return when you speak in a normal voice.” Then you must be willing to follow through. You will find that you can set the limit anywhere you want and, if you mean it, the person will adjust his behavior.
Dr Weiss also addresses the issue of controlling your own temper. The following is advice she’s written to help you with this problem:
GETTING YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL:
The earlier temper control is begun, the easier it is to effect alternative ways for its management. A temper is something that lives only through reinforcement. It can be controlled in the child if the child is taught to find other means to get his or her needs met. But, because that rarely happens, let’s pick up on the adult level, learning how to break the temper cycle.
Temper gets a particular hold those with ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder] because of the tendency for emotional flooding to occur.
So, here are some tips:
• Never try to deal with a temper when it is active.
• Make plans when all is calm, cool, and collected.
• Acknowledge that you have a temper.
• Forget the business of blaming others. Someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may have triggered your anxiety, surprised you, or frightened you, but your reaction is your responsibility.
• You must realize that there are other ways to react to the stress. And with your willingness, you can learn alternatives that work particularly well for you in dealing with family and work settings, the places where temper is most likely to work against you.
1) Decide on a signal that means it’s time to stop whatever is going on.
In our house, it’s the “time out” sign used in sports. Anyone in the family can use it and we automatically stop—no questions asked. The questions can come later. This time-out breaks into the flooding and stops the emotions from taking over.
Tell your partner, “I’m going to read for a while.” If others are around, tell them you’ll be back in a little while. Go to the store for milk if you have to. If it is your partner who’s having the trouble, be nonchalant with other people and just say, “He’s taking a break.”
2) Identify the feeling underlying the anger. “I feel helpless in this situation.” — “I felt frightened when that car pulled out in front of me.” — “I feel put down by you.”
Be honest. It may be hard at first, but pays off once you’ve learned to do it. Start by making the statements to yourself, if it’s too difficult to do so with others initially.
3) Ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I need to feel better or become a winner here? How can I get it?”
4) Promise yourself that you will continue to work to get what you want without throwing a temper tantrum.
5) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You’ll be surprised how quickly you can break the temper cycle by following these steps. It is not a long, trying process—unless someone around you enables you to continue with your temper or even cultivates it by reinforcing it. They do you no favor but probably don’t know any better, so you might as well make up your mind to open up alternatives in spite of them.
QUESTION:
I used to have a temper but it is much better now that I’ve been working on it. My husband still reacts as if I have one though. How can I get him to stop?
ANSWER:
Ask him, “What will it take to get you to relax? I’ve changed and I need you to catch up with my changes.” Do realize, though, that it may take several months for him to catch up. It won’t happen all in one day, either. So some patience on your part is wise.
QUESTION:
Are there certain circumstances when a person’s temper will be more likely to erupt even after control measures have been learned?
ANSWER:
Tiredness is the biggest culprit I know. Also, keep track of the amount of stress that you are under. Times of change are high stress times and likely circumstances for an explosion.
[Marriage Missions Editor’s Note: Keep in mind that if you’re too busy to be kind —you’re too busy. You need to look to see what life style choices can be made so this stressful time can be defused in such a way that you’re able to approach life as marital partners —not enemies. Your spouse is not to be treated as the enemy.
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not pay evil with evil or insult with insult , but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it “ (1 Peter 3:8-11).]
The above article came from the writings of Dr Lynn Weiss in her secular book, Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults: A Different Way of Thinking
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage Communication and Conflict
(AUSTRALIA) Stephanie, so sad to hear about that. I do know what it’s like. My husband would not get counsel until things got really bad and he thought he was going to lose us all. In fact, it was only because it was court-mandated. He admitted later that it was a very difficult thing for him to do, and he said I should have been more thankful when he did. Don’t count on your husband using his own initiative to get help, because he probably doesn’t think he needs it. He’s not that desperate.
It is almost impossible to go through these situations alone, without support. Call up a domestic violence hotline – you don’t have to be hit to get outreach support.
You may be so beaten up and confused on the inside that it seems like you can’t see a way out. God knows your situation. For a while, I thought that even my hearing from God and getting direction from Him was affected, because I was always second-guessing my own decisions and thoughts. This is an effect of psychological abuse. You start to believe what your husband says – that you can’t think for yourself. This is not true.
If you don’t change things, things won’t change. Ask yourself what your options are – list them down and write down what you need to do to overcome the obstacles that stand in the way. Ask yourself, what is the worst thing to come out of it? Remember, if your situation gets worse, you may be in physical danger – it doesn’t take much for a man to who has lost his temper to shove or choke you in a life-threatening way. Even if you stand a 5% change of being seriously harmed, would you put up with that.
You are right that you can’t change him. You are also not responsible for making him feel good, or putting him in a bad mood. He is fully responsible for his feelings and his actions. You are responsible for your own life and for your children. And you have a right to take charge and change the destiny of your lives. God has given your that privilege.
(USA) My husband’s temper problem comes from his impatience. If I am speaking to him about something and he feels I need to shut up he says stop three times and then get furious if I do not. I will try to shut up next time. Then when I cry he gets even more furious! He always apologizes but he thinks I am poking at him when I’m just telling him it’s ok and to calm down. Also he is really defensive. He does not like it when anyone questions him. He feels like it’s a personal attack against his intelligence. He has road rage and if anything goes wrong he’s looking for something to break. I have two children and I suffer from depression and I feel like he’s making me more depressed. I love him and want to make this work but I feel like nothing will ever change.
(USA) My husband and I have a great marriage. We even have been together for 10 years and married for just over 1 year. But through the years right in the middle of a good marriage and out of the blue, Bizarro shows up! He throws a temper tantrum over the most trivial thing. Yesterday it was over a commercial on tv. I had a different view than his and did not take it seriously. It escalated to him throwing things and hurting himself. Suddenly it’s my fault. He yelled in front of the kids and is in great pain. I offered an ice pack and tried to be nice but it only made things worse.
Today he stayed away and started throwing things out. He would not give me a chance to sort through two boxes (with family pix) I had and we fought over one of them. That’s when I accidentally touched his hurt finger and he flew off again! I couldn’t believe it, then everything got scattered all over the place. I started to pick them up and just lost it myself. I threw a stack of photos at him and walked away. The stress level was so high that I lit up a cigarette again (after quitting for almost 2 yrs).
He won’t speak to me even after. When it cooled down a bit I apologized for throwing the pix at him. What should I do? I think I’ll be sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight. This is not my fault. I took the blame for the throwing, but he started something small and let it escalate to us not speaking to one another. What do I do? I am the one who usually takes the high road and starts the road to repair. He NEVER admits fault and waits for me to fix things. I don’t want to anymore. I will not leave him because I know this is worth staying in. But I think he needs to grow up and fix it for a change.
(UNITED) My husband finds fault with everything I do. He has hit me, shoved me against the wall, chocked me and kicked me when I was down. He says that I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. He has a terrible temper and he gets very, very angry over the things things that would not bother anyone else. Everything that I do bothers him; he blames me for his temper. He can be walking out of Church and if I say something he doesn’t like he has no problem screaming at me and cussing me out in the Church parking lot. I feel humiliation. He never feels any humilation because he thinks he is justified with his anger.
He is never going to change. He is 65 and we have been married for 42 years. He just had the Doctor tell him that he has COPD and he needs to quit smoking has not followed. Doctors advise and I will not say anything to him about quitting; I don’t care. I have no where to go so will just bide my time until I die or he does from COPD. How sad is this quitting?
(USA) Hello- I’m in a different situtation in most. My wife is the one with the temper. I’m the passive one. I consistently am ridiculed by her, and sometimes in front of our children. I don’t fire back at her, because I believe that this is just the wrong thing to do. There have been times when it is so bad, she is right in my face, screaming at me, telling me how stupid I am, or that I’m an idiot. Then, a half hour later, she’ll turn around and act like everything is just fine, and expect me to be okay.
Ultimately, if things are not going her way, she’ll lose her temper quickly. If she is backed into a corner, or is under pressure, I pay the price. I may not have anything to do with the issue, but I will pay.
For example, she asked me last night, about lunch today; possibly even meeting. I thought it was a great idea. We haven’t done this in years! She asked me what time I took my lunch at work, because I usually eat in my office. I told her that I usually eat between 11:15 and 11:30 am. That set her off. Just that little bit did it.
She went off, and began yelling at me, saying that just couldn’t even settle on one time to meet and that I was always just like that! That I just could never make a solid decision and go with it. I tried to explain, again to her that, normally I eat in my office, since I take a lunch. She just yelled at me and told me to forget the whole thing.
A lot of times, our conversations go like this. She is very controlling, and if she is done talking and I put in my two cents, and she doesn’t agree, then it’s all over from there. Ultimately, I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation sometimes.
(USA) Hello, I am married to ill tempered man. He attends church regularly but acts different at home. I never know what will set him off. Most of the time it is on weekends, especially Sunday morning before church. Sometimes he wakes up mad. I told him at normal times, don’t act this way.
He tries to punish my daughter often for things he thinks she has done. If something is missing then it’s my fault. I don’t know what to do anymore. I find myself not wanting to even look at him without thinking bad things. I don’t want my daughter to rush leaving the house because of his temper, but then I can understand why she would.
This time with my daughter is supposed to be special. She graduates this year. Instead of it being a memorable year for good times, it is has been more bad then good. I need your prayers and advice.
(USA) I have been married now for 20 years to a wonderful guy, most of the time. He does have an awful temper and is the reason our oldest child left home so early and ended up in a bad situation. Our youngest child now wants out of it as well. What do I need to do?
I love him, he has always provided and been there, but his temper can be so out of control, demanding. I have always walked on egg shells to keep from ticking him off. When he is returning from a trip, I start going over my actions in my head to make sure I have not done something or spent money that will anger him. I actually start getting nervous when it is time for him to come home. His father is a very demanding person as well, I have seen his mother go through such hard times, I don’t want this. But I do love him, we do have our special times.
He is just bad about never letting anything go and you never know when he is going to bring up something that happened years ago and start fussing. Any suggestions on what I should do? He has told me to chose between him and my child. I can’t do that.
(UK) My partner gets so very angry; I move away as I get very scared. Sometimes it gets physical and many things have been broken. It has resulted in me getting hit. I feel very lonely and am too proud to tell anyone. It’s my fault as I do nag him. I wish I could speak to someone about it but I won’t. People would be shocked as they think I’m so confident. Wish I wasn’t here.
(USA) Liza, My heart goes out to you. No one should ever have to suffer abuse — especially at the hands of our marriage partner. I cry with you. Please know that even if you nag, it doesn’t justify his behavior. Stop nagging, because it isn’t working in a positive way for you, but that still doesn’t mean that he won’t find another reason to be violent in some way against you. It’s more about controlling you and lack of impulse control on his behalf, rather than your behavior, in particular.
I encourage you to read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic. This might help you to understand some of this better. Also, I know we have a link to a ministry in the UK in the Resource part of that topic. I believe you could find that helpful to use in some way. I hope you will. It may save your life.
(USA) I’m dealing with a person who insists on having his way all the time. He distrusts me by saying I’m cheating when I’m working. He says it’s because he was abused as a child and now he issists he must be in control constantly! What do I do?
(INDIA) Am married for 5 years now & have a 9 month old son. I have a bad temper & I tend to shout, get very aggressive, get physical, break things when am having arguments with my husband. My husband is quite a patient man, tends to keep quiet but sometime he loses it too. I am not like this with anybody else & I actually don’t like myself like that at all. My fear is my son is going to be exposed to this kind of crude behavior & may end up either feeling insecure or being a unruly person himself. Please help.
Prati, You truly need to work on this anger issue. It has gotten to the point where it is abusive and will grow to be more and more so, with time. If you don’t find a way to deal with it in healthy ways you could lose your husband. If not physically to divorce, definitely emotionally –a type of mental divorce, where he loses total respect and love for you, and turns from you in every way possible. This type of abusive behavior breaks down the other person’s capacity to want to be close to you in any way, shape or form. And the life “lessons” all of the angry tirades is teaching your son, if this behavior continues, is especially damaging (which you are obviously realizing because you stated such in your comment).
Prati, I really don’t know how to help you with this except to tell you to pray, pray, pray. And then pray and read the articles we have posted on this web site (and the ones we link to) in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic, concerning anger issues (and wives abusing husbands). May God lead you to Truth! Realize though, that if you just read and don’t apply any of the information to your life, it will do nothing. It’s a form of looking at solutions, which can help you change something, but walking away, shaking your head muttering, “what can I do, what can I do?” All the medicine and advice in the world won’t help unless it’s taken seriously and is applied, as needed. If some of the advice needs to be changed in some way to make it work best, may the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor guide you accordingly. I hope you will work with God on this –I hope this with all my heart. I pray you will be strengthened to do what is needed, for your sake and for your husband’s and your son’s sake, especially. May the love of Christ compel you!
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) …”And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
(UNITED STATES) Dear Prati, it is good that you are concerned about your bad behavior. This concern is the first step in dealing with the anger problem. You have admitted you have a problem. Good for you, Prati. My wife has had the same problem for the thirty years we have been married. She takes no responsibility for her actions. She screams and curses at me, throws things, and even called the police once and lied to them, telling them I was abusing her.
We haven’t been intimate for years. Why? I can’t face looking at her and pretending to be attracted to her. There was a time when I could get over her behavior, but now I mostly stay away from her and live my life without interacting with her any more than necessary. When we got married I stood in front of our friends and family and made promises. She made promises too, but she broke them and keeps breaking them.
(USA) I am on my second marriage. I grew up in an abusive home and thought I had escaped it. But my new husband and I have a one year old, and have been married over 2 years. He treats my other two children like his own and shows me lots of affection –when he isn’t angry.
I always said I would never be like my mother and tolerate abuse but that’s exactly what I’m doing. Although it isnt physical (although it has been in the past), the words hurt worse than physical pain. We cannot work through issues or talk about most things because his temper is a show stopper. He insisted that I talk to him using a certain tone and am using certain words but no matter how I approach him he always winds up saying mean and hateful things and walking away. Every single time he says he doesn’t mean it after the fight is over, but the hurt has built up and I am afraid that I can’t take much more.
I don’t want to be divorced again, and I don’t want a fight over our child. I want to obey God and make this work on my end but I am afraid of the man I love. I feel like this puppy with a tail tucked scared of what’s coming next. He knows I am struggling and refuses to acknowledge he has an issue. Ive begged him for a long time to change his behaviour but he says it’s hereditary and cannot. He refuses outside help and asks me, “why does it always have to be about you?” I don’t feel I am being all that selfish wanting to be loved and protected and cherished, yet the man who should be doing those things hurts me more than i ever imagined.
This all being said, I want to stay and do my part because I believe God still works miracles and so much change has already taken place. My husband is kind and affectionate when he is not controlling and angry. I need to understand how I am supposed to show affection to the man I fear so much? We cannot talk things through… I always wind up hurt.
Dear Jennifer, Please don’t go there, as far as even thinking about divorce right now. Throw that option out right now. Don’t entertain it for a moment. Instead, put your energies into finding solutions you hadn’t thought of before. It may mean finding a marriage-friendly counselor (you can find what I mean by that in the “Marriage Counseling” topic –it’s VERY important to make sure the person you go to is that type of counselor), so you can figure out with him or her what you can do to put down boundaries and deal with a husband who is refusing to get help. It may mean that you need to start the hard work without him joining in at first, and then eventually, he will be inspired, as well.
Hopefully, it won’t lead to your having to separate for a while so he gets the message that you are serious. A few books come to mind to immediately implement, when it comes to the principles outlined in them. One is titled, Boundaries in Marriage, another is titled, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis, and the other one is titled, Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life.
We also have several articles in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic concerning anger issues and how to deal with them, which I encourage you to read (hoping you can find things you can glean from them to use in your relationship with your husband). We have many “Marriage Communication Tools” to help, as well, in a topic labeled by that name.
It’s sad that your husband thinks that this type of behavior is hereditary and he cannot work to change it. First off, that’s not true. It could be that he was born with a propensity to be hot-tempered, but that doesn’t mean that he’s supposed to allow it to take control, unbridled. Also, I have a feeling that he doesn’t talk to many others the way he does to you. If he did, he wouldn’t have any friends or family who would stick by him (who would allow themselves to continually be abused in that way without withdrawing from him in some way?), or a job (because I can’t imagine a boss would let him talk to him or her in that manner). He would be a very lonely man. It sounds like he is taking you for granted and is giving himself permission to treat you in a way that he wouldn’t treat anyone else. If so, he needs a wake-up call or again, he will be a very lonely man.
And your child and children –does he allow them to express such raw anger at him and others because they also could have “inherited” that type of behavior? No. It’s a very finely tuned justification that he is either using as an excuse or he believes himself, and is playing the part of a fool in sticking to it (although I’m not sure I’d call him a fool to his face –I’d find another way to phrase it). Saying “I’m sorry” can only go so far if it isn’t followed by changed behavior –otherwise, it’s just words flapping in the wind and it will wear you down (which is sounds like it is starting to, already).
You shouldn’t have to subject yourself and your children to this type of immature behavior (as they hear this type of talk being thrown at their mother). He is teaching them this type of behavior and is also teaching them other negative messages –like how to treat a spouse, when he conducts himself this way. He may never have been taught to act otherwise up to this point, but he’s not so dumb that he can’t learn better ways of resolving conflict. If he was mentally challenged, then maybe he couldn’t learn differently, but I’m guessing that’s not the case here. Kindness and affection can only take you so far in your relationship when verbal abuse is tacked on, as well. He needs to change and you need to find a way to either inspire and/or cause that to happen. If not, THEN you need to make other arrangements as far as where you live –which would need to be in a safer place than where he lives. But first, look for other solutions. I hope you can. I pray you can and have the strength and find and apply the wisdom to do so.
(AUSTRALIA) My boyfriend of 3 years has a short temper and it is usually because I don’t agree with him. He will go on and on and get repetitive about what he says just because I don’t agree with him, so he gets louder and more angry and starts freaking me out with his desperate attitude of needing to make me agree. In his eyes, if I don’t agree then I’m surely not listening to him.
When he starts to get a temper, I just say “Agree to disagree” and try and leave the room or stop the conversation but it makes him even more desperate to explain again by yelling or smashing the bin in, or hitting the wall.
I try to leave the house when things heat up and I say that I am not taking his behaviour anymore and we should talk about it when he is calm but a few times he has stopped me leaving the house, blocking the door so I can’t get out. This really tends to freak me out, keeping me hostage in the house with a crazy man, I have tried to call the police or a close friend when he has me hostage but he grabs the phone and keys off me, his physical strength is just too strong.
A few days later if I bring up how we can disolve his short temper, he’ll say it’s just not him with a problem, I have a problem of running away? it’s called a woman protecting herself from a possible hostile situation with someone who is ten times stronger and not knowing what he might do!!
In my experience, guys with short tempers don’t like to admit that they need help. He won’t see a professional and claims I am living in the past and that he doesn’t do it anymore… until it happens again.
Are these types of relationships doomed? Does anyone have a positive experience where they have stopped their bad temper? We are at the verge of getting married in a few years and I am hoping he will improve. But HOW if he won’t get help? :-/
Tina, In the topic, “Is He or She the One,” you will find an article titled, “WARNING: Escape Abuse BEFORE Marriage.” I encourage you to read it and pray about the pattern you are seeing in this man.
He will only “stop” expressing his bad temper in harmful ways IF he gets it –as far as how unhealthy it is. I’m sure he doesn’t express himself this way to everyone (such as his boss and others he cared about), or he wouldn’t have a job or friends or family who would want to be around him. He can blame-shift, and say that you push his “buttons” but it all comes down to maturity and integrity issues. No one can MAKE him act this way; he has given himself permission. He has given himself permission to do this with YOU –& not everyone. Something is not right in doing that. It’s called taking the other person for granted and not changing what should be changed. And in not changing, his maturity in handling conflict issues comes out.
He won’t “improve” in the way he expresses himself during conflict unless he recognizes the need (please read the article, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Change? Functional Fixedness,” posted in the “Communication and Conflict” topic). We have a lot of articles, which could help him in the “Communication and Conflict” topic IF he wants to change and if he wants to quit blame-shifting. If he won’t… you have an even rougher future ahead of you. All of the topics I mentioned above have additional articles, which it may be good to read to help you decide if you should marry.
(USA) I am thanking God that I have found a website where I can be with people who will understand.
(USA) I have been married to a man for 2 years and have been living with him for 8 months before that. He moved very quick, proposing to me after 2 months of dating. He was a virgin at the age of 39 when he met me. He had only had 1 other girlfriend 15 years before we met. He exhibited his Jeckyll and Hyde to me before we married, but I wanted to be married desperately and have a family life.
He treated me like a baby, he had a sweet side, but all of a sudden he would have outbursts of anger, blaming, judging, controlling tantrums directed towards me and the world. He would get this way when I would try to leave the house to visit friends, or go to my office when I see him starting up. In the beginning, I could hear him make crude jokes about other people. He has a controlling Guanyese, doting, mother who did not like me when I met his parents. Even before we married, I asked him to go to a Non Violent Communication Seminar, and he only went to 1/2 day, and complained about it and refused to go the rest.
1 year after we married, in an argument with us lasting for the whole day, I locked him outside of the house, and he got in by throwing a concrete block through the window. I called 911, and they arrested him, but there was no court date because they talked to me, and I said I don’t think he deserves to go to jail. He said it was an accident, but still, he was out of control, in rage. I was having panic attacks and violent reactions to his outbursts after that, even if we both got individual counseling after that. I have always had low self esteem because I grew up in a dysfunctional and domestic abuse household. It makes sense that I loved that he doted over me sometimes because I never had that as a child.
Everytime he gets into his wrath, I get extreme nervousness and panic attacks. It feels like I am dying, and lasts for days, or sometimes months. He doesn’t have any friends except his parents, and at night, he games most of the night. I have gained my self esteem by going to 6 months of massage school, having some friends, and feeling confident about myself, then, BAM! another of his wrath incidents hits. I woke up because he was yelling and saying things about me that I did not believe. I see that this is who he is. He will not change. I am simply tired. I am tired of my builtup resentment. I am tired of trying to understand why he is acting this way. I am fed up. I am now planning to leave him. It will be easy because we didn’t purchase anything together and we don’t have children (thank God). I am planning to have my 2 sisters there outside the house when I tell him, and we will drive off in a car together afterward. I am preparing it all now.
Ladies, I had to decide whether to tolerate this, or face it and leave. I’ve decided. You are all whole, powerful, spiritual beings. You deserve respect. He is not saying those things about you. It’s something going on in him. Just remember your own treasured power. Only you have that decision to tolerate it or leave. I wish you all happiness and safety.
(TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO) I want to stop pestering my husband for every little thing.