The following was written by Dr. Lynn Weiss. She was asked the following questions concerning a spouse who has an awful temper:
QUESTION:
My spouse has an awful temper but blames me for causing it. What can I do to avoid triggering it? Is there anything I can do to take the steam out of his temper if he won’t work on it?
ANSWER:
When you two are in a calm mood, ask him what hurt him. Then, practice saying things in a matter-of-fact way. Know, however, that he needs to take responsibility for his display of temper.
Do not reinforce his temper. When he blasts off, do not argue. The most you want to say is, “I’ll talk with you when you’re calm.” You may need to wait until he is calm to say this.
Most people with tempers will display just as much temper as they can get away with. So, if you don’t like the temper outbursts, tell him you are simply unwilling to put up with them. Tell him what will happen when he allows his temper to get out of control. You might say, “When you yell, I’m going to leave the house. I’ll return when you speak in a normal voice.” Then you must be willing to follow through. You will find that you can set the limit anywhere you want and, if you mean it, the person will adjust his behavior.
Dr Weiss also addresses the issue of controlling your own temper. The following is advice she’s written to help you with this problem:
GETTING YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL:
The earlier temper control is begun, the easier it is to effect alternative ways for its management. A temper is something that lives only through reinforcement. It can be controlled in the child if the child is taught to find other means to get his or her needs met. But, because that rarely happens, let’s pick up on the adult level, learning how to break the temper cycle.
Temper gets a particular hold those with ADD [Attention Deficit Disorder] because of the tendency for emotional flooding to occur.
So, here are some tips:
• Never try to deal with a temper when it is active.
• Make plans when all is calm, cool, and collected.
• Acknowledge that you have a temper.
• Forget the business of blaming others. Someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may have triggered your anxiety, surprised you, or frightened you, but your reaction is your responsibility.
• You must realize that there are other ways to react to the stress. And with your willingness, you can learn alternatives that work particularly well for you in dealing with family and work settings, the places where temper is most likely to work against you.
1) Decide on a signal that means it’s time to stop whatever is going on.
In our house, it’s the “time out” sign used in sports. Anyone in the family can use it and we automatically stop—no questions asked. The questions can come later. This time-out breaks into the flooding and stops the emotions from taking over.
Tell your partner, “I’m going to read for a while.” If others are around, tell them you’ll be back in a little while. Go to the store for milk if you have to. If it is your partner who’s having the trouble, be nonchalant with other people and just say, “He’s taking a break.”
2) Identify the feeling underlying the anger. “I feel helpless in this situation.” — “I felt frightened when that car pulled out in front of me.” — “I feel put down by you.”
Be honest. It may be hard at first, but pays off once you’ve learned to do it. Start by making the statements to yourself, if it’s too difficult to do so with others initially.
3) Ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I need to feel better or become a winner here? How can I get it?”
4) Promise yourself that you will continue to work to get what you want without throwing a temper tantrum.
5) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You’ll be surprised how quickly you can break the temper cycle by following these steps. It is not a long, trying process—unless someone around you enables you to continue with your temper or even cultivates it by reinforcing it. They do you no favor but probably don’t know any better, so you might as well make up your mind to open up alternatives in spite of them.
QUESTION:
I used to have a temper but it is much better now that I’ve been working on it. My husband still reacts as if I have one though. How can I get him to stop?
ANSWER:
Ask him, “What will it take to get you to relax? I’ve changed and I need you to catch up with my changes.” Do realize, though, that it may take several months for him to catch up. It won’t happen all in one day, either. So some patience on your part is wise.
QUESTION:
Are there certain circumstances when a person’s temper will be more likely to erupt even after control measures have been learned?
ANSWER:
Tiredness is the biggest culprit I know. Also, keep track of the amount of stress that you are under. Times of change are high stress times and likely circumstances for an explosion.
[Marriage Missions Editor’s Note: Keep in mind that if you’re too busy to be kind —you’re too busy. You need to look to see what life style choices can be made so this stressful time can be defused in such a way that you’re able to approach life as marital partners —not enemies. Your spouse is not to be treated as the enemy.
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not pay evil with evil or insult with insult , but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it “ (1 Peter 3:8-11).]
The above article came from the writings of Dr Lynn Weiss in her secular book, Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults: A Different Way of Thinking
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage Communication and Conflict
(USA) My husband has a horrible temper. He antagonizes, curses, calls vulgar names, etc. –not physically violent. I am almost certain he is on the autistic spectrum. He refuses to accept responsibility for his behaviors, blames anyone and anything. I finally got him to get a prescription for anxiety with his general doctor, but he won’t even take his pills. Claims that it “gives him a headache.”
Our son is an easy going kid who does everything to avoid causing “upset” to his dad. Our daughter is on the spectrum… and he treats her terribly because he cannot understand her or learn ways to help her. Instead…he takes everything personally and is attacking towards her. I feel like I am in a prison. I’m tired of having to act like he is someone I have to “be careful” around.
Seriously… even tonight he had a meltdown because our daughter wanted to play a video game with him… and because it wasn’t what HE wanted to play, he cursed, yelled, and made such a scene until she gave in. All I can say is… I was an idiot to get married to him. :-(
(USA) I respect anyone who has a strong commitment to their religion, but what gives these men a right to be abusive while hiding behind their Christianity? You don’t have to be a Christian to be a kind, patient, good-tempered husband. It does seem redundant to say you are Christian and then continually abuse and upset your wife, doesn’t it? Women, you shouldn’t give your lives up to an abusive man! You all seem so nice and spiritual. I don’t believe that God would want you to suffer.
(UNITED STATES) I have a similar situation. My husband and I have been together for five years and married for one. Most of the time he is wonderful- caring, considerate, gentle. But when we argue, he does not fight fair. He swears at me, calls me names, blames me entirely for the argument, and then gives me the silent treatment for a day or two.
I’ve tried everything, giving him his space, apologizing, trying to talk rationally to him later about how to make both of us better people. He rarely if ever apologizes and never improves his behavior. He knows how much his silent treatment hurts me and he doesn’t seem to care. I feel like I’m the only one trying to fix this problem. I beg God for guidance and strength but am losing hope for our marriage. I am very scared to have kids with someone so volatile. What do I do?
(USA) So what about when my husband lashes out at our kids, who do not have the option of walking away from his verbal attacks? What can they do besides standing there and taking it? When I step into to defend or protect them he gets even more mad and then we go at it.
Sarah, You need to be the hero here for your children. I encourage you to read all you can about anger and abuse on this web site (and others we link to) –glean through the info and use what will help you. You need to take action so your children are not put into such frightening, confusing, and frustrating places when they do not have a voice and where they are at his mercy when your husband “lashes out.” Please do what you can to protect them emotionally and physically. And find ways so that you don’t have to participate in “going at it” when you step in. That only adds to the volatility of all that is going on.
Pray continually about whether your husband’s anger is over the line or whether you need to step back (sometimes). If it’s over the line, you need to think of ways AHEAD OF TIME (if possible), so that you can help to de-escalate things, when they are excessive. You may need to talk to a counselor so you can come up with plans that could work. But please don’t just deal with things as they happen… be wise in learning what you can, and praying about and considering what you can do before things become unhealthy. Be PRO-active, rather than just RE-active.
You see a problem, now do what you can ahead of time to work on it. I hope you will. These children will suffer in many ways for the rest of their lives if the “verbal attacks” continue in unhealthy ways. I pray God gives you discernment, wisdom, and help to do what needs to be done so peace can reign within your home (to the point it can when children, with their immature ways, are living within it… but still, SOMEONE needs to be the mature one here). May God help you to find a way to have a united front whenever you can, if you can! And if you can’t, may God give you wisdom to know how to best de-escalate the “attacks” in ways that don’t cause further damage to your children emotionally and/or physically.
(INDIA) I am sorry to learn that abuse is so prevalent everywhere. I am also a domestic abuse victim. My husband has such a bad temper. The first time he hit me was when we had been married for 6 mos. It was on the bus stand in front of everyone. I put up with that and the frequency and degree increased with the passing time…so much so that after our baby was born, I had to send him to my parent’s place to protect him from this environment.
There came a stage when he took a meat knife to stab me in the heart. By God’s grace my arm came in between and the knife passed through it. There was a major operation done and I was helpless for 8 months. I could not move my arm, no driving, I couldn’t even bathe on my own. He promised he will never hit me again. After 3 years, it again started and all my neighbors know it. I just can’t go on the street, meet people who know this. I don’t know but I feel ashamed and to top this off my son was diagnosed with Autism. I just cry and cry the whole day. The moment I confront him or I have some issues, he starts yelling and threatens to kill me or kill himself.
I lived that situation many years ago. One day I decided to protect my children. I had to leave. It was a hard decision but I had no choice. Now I’m in a verbally abusive relationship 30 years later. My partner never takes responsibility for any thing; I’m always the one. He tells me I’m crazy and I make him yell and scream. Today I’ve had enough I choose me, not a crippling relationShip.
My husband has awful temper and always makes me feel like it is my fault. From losing online games to some small issue like the new vacuum broke down, I always have to be his punching bag. Although he is a good provider and occasionally showers me with expensive gifts or trips, I don’t think I am able to take the mental abuse. I’m in my early 30s, a housewife, and I’ve gone back to college and get my accounting degree. I’m one thesis away for a bachelors degree and 2 subjects away for my post grad degree.
(USA) So here I am. It’s 3 am, my husband left me in the hotel because of a petty fight we just had. We are an hour away from home, he rented a hotel and bought us tickets to Seaworld for my birthday, and we packed our things and come out here. For what? So he could yell at me for laughing out loud at the tv and waking him up. He’s so upset he starts screaming at me, tells me how stupid I am. I apologized for waking him up and begged him not to get upset. He gets more mad. He grabs his blanket and leaves and slams the door. I’m sitting here, alone, abandoned once again. What a wonderful husband I have. Marriage is exactly what I pictured as a little girl. What a lucky girl I am. I’m looking out the hotel window and notice our car gone. Happy birthday to me.
(USA) I can tell when anger is coming on. So I will walk away. But my husband on the other hand, wants to fix things when I’m angry so we end up in a big fight. How can I fix that?
(UNITED STATES) I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now. We didn’t date very long before getting engaged, and our engagement was only 4 months as well. However, I felt strongly that he was the one. I prayed lots about it. I did discover his temper when we were dating, but did not know the extent of it. He was also addicted to World of Warcraft, which I thought he only played occasionally. About a month before the wedding I had a feeling to postpone it, but was too scared so I didn’t. However, now that we’re married and I’ve seen his worst, I don’t know that I can handle it.
I have always said that the only way I’ll ever get a divorce is if there is abuse or certain cases of infidelity, or if he fell away from our church and we hadn’t had kids yet. But now I’m not so sure. He’s been a little verbally abusive. Not too terrible but enough to really hurt. The tiniest things make him angry. He gets it from his parents, who I’ve never seen be affectionate to one another. His family is so negative and disfuntional and I’m worried were going to be like that (luckily we don’t have kids yet). He once yelled at me because I said I wanted to get involved with service projects. Once when my parents couldn’t take us on their wave runners, he got so angry he threw his phone at the wall (it barely missed my head), and yelled at me saying I should have planned better. I don’t get it.
Yesterday I injured myself at the gym and can barely walk, so I asked him to go upstairs an lock the door before bed. He had a fit. I ended up hobbling up the stars to do it myself. His mother is always screaming and yelling. She screamed at my brother in law for asking what he should clean the couch with after the dog peed on it, so she didnt have to. She was seriously screaming at the top of her lungs “I can’t believe you would ever think that cleaner would work” etc… He was in tears and packing his bags to move out right after.
I am someone who will not allow that in my home, but he was raised that way. So even though he’s gotten a little better over time, it’s still too much and it’s been two years. Every time he yells and says hurtfull things, or pulls a temper tantrum, he pretends nothing ever happened like ten minutes later and often expects sex or some sort of physical touch after with no apology or anything. I know I’m not nearly as happy as I used to be, and I’ve become a more negative person. I never had depression until I got married, and it’s to the point where I’m sick all the time and I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I find myself looking for reasons to leave even when we’re not fighting and things seem to be going well, but I still love him and it hurts me to think about it. :( I don’t know what to do.
To Ann. You just described my whole situation, (including world of warcraft) I got a glimpse of his temper when we were dating, but never thought it would get this bad. His mom is also the same as you describe. We are living on their property in our own place. We have been engaged for 2 years. Everyone keeps asking when we will get married and I don’t know how to answer, because of the constant verbal abuse and yelling and tantrums, most of the time I don’t want to be here.
I would leave him, as it will get worse. You can thank his mom and dad for the way he turned out . Usually parents who behave like that are raising abusers in the works.
It’s the same same story here…it’s the upbringing. So, it’s very normal to get away with these habitual tempers. Life is indeed very unpredictable with a person like this. One just can’t keep following as per your spouse’s mood. One big advantage you have is you don’t have kids yet, so take the call right away or else it’s gonna be difficult to survive in the years to come. The more you suppress you feelings the worse it be when you will start losing it in the coming years. I’m sure you dont want to follow him.
I have been married for 10 years with a hot tempered man. We were only engaged for a few months before marriage, and I saw a few signs too but ignored them till it was too late. He has his good moments and his bad. My advice to any woman before she gets married is that: Love is more than first sight, KNOW his family, learn how he copes with situations AND is he willing to be humble and recognize his behavior. I can’t speak for all men but my husband is a one-sided man. He won’t even go to marriage counseling with me. I know I am not perfect, but a relationship means two people relate with each other. And my husband doesn’t relate with me; he blames me. How can a relationship work when two people can’t live with each other with love and understanding, submitting to one another. Forgiving eachother.
But my husband doesn’t listen to me. As a woman, he tells me to be quiet when he is angry. So I have to sit there and take the one-sided argument along with name calling, belittling, and accusations. I am always praying for peace. I don’t have anyone to turn to but God, I am too afraid to talk to my family about it for one, he will blow up and two, I know it will dishonor him. Fortunately, we don’t have kids yet. I know I will be a great mom, but I want my kids to have a happy childhood.
Apart from his temper he is a good man, and due to my faith I don’t believe in a divorce. So my heart is in a sad turmoil state. I just try to trust God. And I feel bad because when I was younger I used to coward over when he was angry, and now as I am older I defend back; which of course doesn’t help and then he accuses me of not being in my place. I feel hopeless sometimes. I just pray and move forward each day. But if he isn’t willing to recognize that he is hurting me and our marriage, nothing is going to change.
Hi there, I read your post as I found it while browsing the web for info for myself. My husband is also hot tempered. I think we all edit out behavior patterns in partners before marriage. For me, I edited out the dysfunctional behaviors that go along with him growing up in an alcoholic family. I saw him as being pretty self centered/narcissistic at times – not considering my feelings, drinking too much, etc. I can see how his self centered attitude developed by being raised by two alcohol dependent parents who truly never grew up emotionally. He got a DUI last year and I gave the ultimatum of him either quitting or stepping aside to let me and the boys move on as I was done living with his denial. He attended marriage counseling and I attended Al Anon. I am also the one to get the family out the door to church on occasion as I can see he lacks a relationship with God, my feeling is addicts are so self centered that they feel they don’t need God. I can tell he feels better after going to church. I think my husband’s quick temper (that is loaded with mockery, insults, etc) is still a big part of the alcoholic family upbringing, after all the alcoholic is always interested in their needs (getting to the drinking part of the day) first and then the needs of children second. I attribute his anger as a residual learned behavior by what was consistently modeled for him. Certainly not implying your husband’s family upbringing is similar, but I do feel anger issues stem from somewhere. I have found a new technique that perhaps could be helpful to you. My husband lashed out the other night when he heard me say something he didn’t like. He is quick to become offended and will let me know in no uncertain terms, however, the narcissist in him expects everyone to speak nicely to him at all times no matter what he says first. I told him during his outburst, “I will not speak any further to you right now as you are having a very hard time controlling your anger, you are talking over me, interrupting me, yelling and insulting. I am going to walk away and will try to talk to you later when your tantrum is done”. I read that using actions to combat words is a stronger approach than offering more words. I tried it the first time the other night and he seemed stumped. He grew up and learned to combat words with stronger words, yell, rage, etc to manipulate the world into getting his way, after all this is what his father did. He was expecting me to argue back or take his lashing, instead he got a calm definitive response calling out his actions (not telling him he was bad, but pointing out his actions were unacceptablele) and I did exactly what I said I was going to do. When he still tried to argue and insult the next day, I repeated the same response and distanced myself. He finally got it but of course had to spin it in his favor of “you yell too so I will do the same” which is totally fine by me! Bottom line, it is the new rule, if you can’t speak in adult calm respectful tones, I will walk away until you are able to do so because after all you are an adult and not a child. Best of luck to you, you are not alone.
Hi Sivan, I am married 3 years now and am 32 yrs old. I have 2 older sisters and a brother a year younger than me. We don’t live by our parents except my eldest sister who has muscular dystrophy. My parents are born-again Christians and my Dad has had a bad temper for as long as I can remember. We as kids can’t do anything as my mom doesn’t have a job and is 60 yrs old and I so much want them to divorce even though we don’t believe in it.
I as the daghter stress because my mom complains non-stop about how angry he gets over the smallest thing or nothing at all. He is just negative 99% of the time and belittles my mom. She cannot speak calmly to him even and he jumos through the roof. He is horrible and I hate who he is and how he treats my mom. I’m too scared to say something in the fear that he will take it out on my mom and sister that has muscular dystrophy who lives with them. DECADES of this and I now feel the only time it will end is the day God takes him away.
Hi Ann…You and I are almost in the similar position. Like you, I only met my husband in May, got married in December. If only I knew what I was getting myself into. I’ve been called all sorts of names …whatever comes to his mind. What triggers his tempter is when I say no to him. He will swear at me and say all the nasty things. Maybe he grew up from a family like that I don’t know, but I did not grow from a family like that and these things hurts me.
He even threatened to kill me, threatened that he will strangle me and go to jail for me. He always accuses me of cheating. I’ve never cheated on him. He had a tendancy that when we argue he would bring in my parents. I told him to stop. The worst is after he had said all these things, after 5 minutes, he is fine and he expects me to be fine with it. Its been 6 months since we got married and I decided I will not go back until he gets help. I kind of lost interest in the marriage. He says he will get help but that’s not the first time he sad it. He wants me to look for a therapist for him and I feel like he should be doing these things himself. He has all the resources to look for help but he wants me to do it for him.
Jessica, Yes, your husband needs help and yes, it’s probably best not to go back to him until he gets the help he needs. Make sure you have access to the counselor he can help you to know when and if it’s best to go back. As far as him wanting you to look for a therapist… actually, that’s not the worst thing. Yes, logic tells you that he should do it. And he should. But he might not be as thorough as you are as far as finding a therapist that works with anger issues and is marriage friendly. I’d say go for it, as far as finding a therapist for him, but be careful in finding one that he actually connects to –not just one you would feel comfortable with.
If you don’t know of a good therapist, you might want to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have therapists on staff, but they also know of many therapists all over Africa… and perhaps knows of one that is located close to where you live. I’d sure give it a try. You can go to the following web site and go into their “counselling” section for the info you’d need to contact them:https://www.safamily.co.za. I hope this helps and pray for you and your husband.
I understand why you’ve lost your “interest” in the marriage. But marriage gets hard sometimes… you need to weather through these storms rather than allowing them to divide you. You made a promise to your husband and to God… keep it! Marriage isn’t a revolving door to get in and out of… stay committed to the promises you made, put your hand into the Lord’s, seek His wisdom and guidance, and see how God can unravel this thing. I hope you will.
(SA) I stumbled across this cause I was doing some research wanting to know if it’s normal. I’m in the very same boat. Every time there’s an outburst it rips away a piece of my sanity and the quality of our parenting drops cause I allow our child to be exposed to this. I feel guilty. This is not healthy but what do I do? It’s like you are trapped in!
Women that have tempers get all the easy men yet I find myself so easy-going and such a happy person, stuck with a negative, bitter person who goes into a rage over petty things. I’ve tried shutting up, walking away –it errupts even worse like a volcano and then things start coming my way! I’m aware of the no apology and expecting everything to be normal afterwards behaviour. I’m getting to a point where if the outburst comes I no longer want to shut up. I want to defend myself and stab with something. It’s a brewing hate, yet they expect to be loved.
(CANADA) I have been with this man for almost 4 years. We have a daughter together. He is the nicest and very kind person, very good father and husband. However when he is tired, hungry or something is not going his way, here comes the total opposite of what I have mentioned. He becomes hurtful and screams and loses control of himself.
Once he is feeling better instead of apologizing or trying to work on it, he blames everyhting around him. And when I explained to him that he shouldn’t do that, he snaps and says that he doesn’t wanna speak about it and that he was pushed to act that way because of this and that reason. Never takes accountability for his tempers reactions. I love him very much and that only happens 5% of the time. However, I feel it shouldn’t happen at all, since I am often scared that he can act that way at any given time if things aren’t favorable for him. What to do, help me!!!
(NIGERIA) My spouse is so jealous of me to the extent he does not allow me to say hello to people I know, as a student am main to have my course mates number but he refused. Each time he sees any boy’s number on my phone he will change my sim card. The worst part is that he’s hot tempered. Once he called me on the phone and I didn’t pick it up immediately and we are into a quarrel. He beats me most of the time. What will I do?
(USA) I’ve been married for 17years. I knew from the beginning that he had a temper and that he was very selfish but thought it would change once we were married. Well, I was wrong. He does what he wants when he wants to. He has attended school, taking exercise classes, goes on trips with friends, goes to swap meets, signs up for church doings without the family. This is all while I’m home taking care of the kids. I don’t get to do anything outside of work and housework and taking care of the kids to and from their doings.
We got into a heated fight and he told me to shut the **** up in which he was never been that disrespectful; it’s just getting worse. Of course my kids heard everything and I certainly don’t want my girls to think that it is ok for a husband to talk to his wife like that. I hope my girls have observed and learned something from all this fighting and that they will marry a loving and respectful man. I wanted a loving romantic marriage…
(USA) I loved how this question was not addressed. It is the typical controlling statement that escalates arguments. It is obvious by the question that the person does not care about the spouses anger. Most people are not abusive. So, not counting the exceptions, this individual has not cared about the hurt partners feelings and then you state they should leave the argument until the angry person calms down? No. If they don’t care to fix the problem and then exhibit controlling actions, the angry person had better find someone else.
If that individual had cared at all they would have asked what was the problem early on in the disagreement. If they could not do what was needed they should have offered a compromise. The advice here is only offering controlling steps to anger the slighted person further. It does not address what the problem is.
(USA) My situation is one where I am running out of strength. My husband and I have been married 18 years and 3 boys –2 of which have ADHD. I manage all of it. My husband has chosen to look past it. He has a horrible temper. When the boys were younger, it would turn physical in terms of holding them down and yelling at them, holding them hard up against the wall and yelling at them, etc. As they’ve gotten older, he doesn’t do that, but he does different things. For instance the other night my middle son (11) had a toy on the floor. Without warning he picked it up, yelled at my son for having it in the room “again” then promptly threw it down on the floor, stomped on it, breaking it. My son was shocked and never saw it coming. To him, it was out of the blue. My husband used to do this stuff in front of me. Now he does it when I’m out of the room and then will downplay what the kids tell me.
Emotionally, I’m checked out of this marriage. I don’t even want to be alone with him. The kids want him gone. My oldest son is overweight and has always heard his Dad put him down. He can do nothing to please him. Oh, in front of me he’ll be all nice (wasn’t when he was younger). But then later, he’ll pull him aside saying how lazy and fat he is and how he should do something worth while rather than watching tv or playing video games. I’ve prayed. I’ve read all kinds of books and articles on diffusing situations. We’ve discussed his mood swings …and it goes nowhere. I’ve written him letters thinking it would go over easier …and nothing happens. He’ll pretend he doesn’t have time to read it or instead, writes me back claiming how much is my fault.
He has sooo much potential, but I truly think I’m lying to myself thinking he’ll change. To leave this marriage means uprooting my boys from the house they know, the neighborhood they love, and the security we all have of our surroundings. But to stay …is sheer unhappiness. I realize God doesn’t like divorce and being a child of one, I know exactly what’s involved. But this current arrangement isn’t healthy either.
What to do, what to do. We’ve tried counseling –he was unresponsive (therapist’s words). I tried kicking him out 2 years ago. He refused saying we couldn’t work on anything if he wasn’t with us. But …nothing has changed! It’s maddening! Now, he DOES do nice things. He does our laundry. He tries to keep the house clean. He helps the boys with their homework. But emotionally, he’s just not there for anyone. He has his own agenda. It’s almost narcissistic in nature. It’s gotten to where when he does something nice, I have to think about what he gained from it, rather than thinking it was from his heart.
I swear that if I do decide to divorce him, I’d never date. I wouldn’t dare trust my judgment ever again and my boys are worth so much more than any man. There were a couple of red flags before we married, but being in love, I chose to look past them thinking that everyone has their moments and no one is perfect. 18 years is a long moment.
(USA) I choked up while reading your comment. Forgive my mistakes in English since it’s not my native tongue. Your situation is very similar to mine. I have two boys, 21 and 17, married for 24 years. He yelled at me frequently for what I did or what I didn’t. Depending on his mood, one thing is perfectly all right for him one day and completely outraging another day. There is the cycle that I’m the perfect wife for him one week and I’m the worst, cold, oblivious wife another week.
About 2 years ago, I felt so drained and decided to leave him after my young one will take off to college. Then our mutual friend recommended to go to counseling so we did. Up to that point, I told him many times that I don’t like his behavior, especially his yelling and screaming, but he has never stopped by saying that he is a kind of person to diffuse his emotion by yelling and calm down very quickly after that. He said I’m quiet but a passive aggressive and hold onto the negative feeling for a long time. But he usually doesn’t speak or even look at me for at least one week after being mad at me. Anyway he always tells me that I’m making him to yell. I alwasy felt like I’m walking on a minefield.
I told him to stop yelling so many times but never told him that unless he stops I will leave him because I was so afraid that he will be more angry and take that anger out on our sons. I felt that I was the only one to protect my sons. When he is not angry he is a pretty good father who coaches my sons sports teams and watches every game.
But at counselling for the first time, I told him that I’m thinking of devorcing him if he can’t stop yelling at me. I was less afraid to say this time since there was a third person, counselor, in the same room and also by knowing that my sons are ready to leave home in a few years. My husband finally saw the situation in which he will be divorced if he continues his behavior. Somehow he finally realized that this is very serious and he stopped yelling to my surprise. (So why he couldn’t stop yelling for years and years. He was just like a bully who bullies his victim but stop as soon as the victim retaliates. Maybe.)
But the problem is that now I can’t forgive him. For all those years, my tears, heartache, fear, lost happiness. Actually I can forgive him but I can’t forget. If I don’t live with him I guess that I can forget but when I’m with him those past painful days come back to me like flashback. I don’t love him anymore. My feeling towards him is very numb and null. I don’t feel any joy to be with him and I feel very nervous around him. He stopped yelling but still he has such an up and down in his mood and it depresses me. I can’t live like this for the rest of his life. I’m 52 now and I’d like to be free from him. On the other hand I feel so guilty to leave him after he started to change. But I feel it’s too late. I can’t find my way back to love him.
Everyday I’m wondering if I should stay or leave. Everyday I’m trying to find a way to forget everything in the past and forgive him. At the same time, everyday I’m longing for his emotional up and down. I’m in such a habit of trying to read his mind. I can’t feel happiness with him like this.
I don’t know what to think.I have read all your comments and I could relate to the lady that spoke about him ignoring the situation after an explosive argument. My husband is a good man and he is loyal to me, which is hard to find, but he gets really angry with me.
We have terrible arguments where he will throw or break stuff. I have holes in walls, dented doors, and a broken shower door to name a few. He has never laid a hand on me until today. He got so mad and grabbed my head with both hands and shook me back and forth. It doesn’t happen alot, but has gotten more frequent. We have been married 8 years and I don’t know what to think anymore. He will blame his outburst on me or act like nothing happened. I’m afraid to even bring it back up again. I don’t know if it is abusive or if I am just exaggerating. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Anytime someone shakes you as you described, it IS abuse. Nobody has the right to treat you that way, no matter what. If it is a recurring pattern, educate yourself about what options you have available to deal with it (e.g. legal options, support groups, etc). I’m not saying to use all these options, but at least learn what they are, just in case you need them someday.
Stacy, you are definitely being abused. I am sorry he is treating you this way. It is in no way, shape, or form your fault. Nothing you have said or done deserves this treatment. My names is Sheralyn and my husband has also been abusive to me. We have been married for 15 and a half years. We have 3 daughters and we just recently had a fight where my husband lost it and was scaring me. I am not sure if I will continue this marriage any longer. He hit me once years ago, but he continues to be violent with objects being thrown and words of violence threatening my safety.