Note: Please know that stalking is not just something women can be subjected to. Men can also be victimized in this way. If you are a man, please change the pronouns accordingly. This article is adapted from a book, which addresses women. But this type of abusive behavior is also applicable to you, as well.
When a couple is not getting along, both must recognize that the value of the relationship is greater than the conflict at hand. A primary tool in conflict resolution is to identify the problem. You are then to attack the problem together, rather than attacking each other.
Many unhealthy relationships lack this critical component. Instead, they resort to power and control, which manifests itself in many ways. It takes forms that can be very subtle and difficult to pinpoint. Typically, an abusive partner will attempt significant control by exercising problematic behaviors. One of them, that is sometimes used, is stalking.
Spying
Stalking is similar to spying. The stalker may follow his victim to her activities or while she’s running errands. He doesn’t trust her and is insanely jealous. If I can’t have her, no one can, he thinks. Most people think that stalking is limited to relationships characterized by separation or divorce. But stalking happens also in marriage relationships. It applies to many couples —even Christian couples —where the husband is insecure. Often the wife has no idea that the stalking is occurring.
Technology Helps the Stalker
Technology has opened the door to some new ways of stalking one’s partner. There have been cases of a stalker purchasing a GPS transmitter and hiding it in his victim’s car. This way he can track her with his receiver.
Computers are also utilized in stalking. We counseled a man who had filed for divorce. Yet he had more information about his wife after their separation than he did before.
When I confronted him, I determined that he had made contact with her in a chat room. Pretending to be a sympathetic female shoulder to cry on, he was able to find out her salary on her new job. He was also able to find out who her friends were, who she was seeing, and what she and her date’s were doing. This information fed his jealousy. It was necessary for his wife to get a restraining order. She then had to move to a safe place in another area for her own protection.
Tracing Through Records
We once counseled a woman whose life was in jeopardy. As a result, she had moved from California to the Midwest. Within 30 days her former husband traced her to her new address on his computer. His first search was of the California Department of Motor Vehicles records. Most states require individuals to register their vehicles and transfer license plates within 30 days of moving to another state.
This man was also able to search for and find her address through the utility companies. Listed below are some of the searches a partner may utilize to find a partner who has moved to a safe place. Victims should be aware. It’s important to use extreme care when it is necessary to keep there whereabouts secret.
You can be traced through:
- Department of Motor Vehicles
- Utility companies
- Social Security Number
- United States Postal Service
- Telephone company
- Credit reporting agencies
- Drivers License Bureaus
Seeking Protection
Stalking is the most difficult slice of the power and control wheel to deal with. That is because law enforcement can’t arrest until the damage has been done. We recommend that the stalking victim seek an “order of protection” or a “no contact order.”
If one of these is in place and the stalker refuses to honor it and keeps calling, the victim should get an answering machine that records the unanswered phone calls and keeps a record. If the stalker drives by her home or workplace or follows her in her daily routine, she needs to report and record every conversation with the police department. She needs to ask for names and badge numbers to document the call on the tape. This should include the time and date of the infraction. There should be an extensive paper trail for the victim’s protection.
This article is adapted from the book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse. It is written by Paul Hegstrom, published by Beacon Hill Press. This book is written by a former pastor who battered his wife. Facing a charge of attempted murder and a prison term, Hegstrom got the wake-up call he needed. With professional help and a struggle with spiritual issues, he began the lengthy process of healing and recovery. Through a thorough examination of the psychology behind various types of abuse, along with true examples from his own life and others, Hegstrom points the way back to wholeness and freedom.
— ALSO —
The following is a related article we encourage you to read for further protection:
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(BOTSWANA) My genuine believe is: you cannot stalk someone you love more than anybody else in the world. The moment that comes in, then there is no love at all. The Bible states that love covers multitudes of sins. It continues to say love is not self seeking, it is not jealous or boastful and it bears all things. One should wonder as a Christian before taking such a step: do I love enough? Most people who stalk others, do that because of fear that the other person is doing exactly what they have been doing and therefore they want to stop them because to them it hurts.
Let us be realistic; Christian or non Christian, all of us have pride of the fact that we are human beings with feelings and sometimes we tend to forget that when dealing with the other person. Jesus once said: do to others as you would want them do for you. Would you want to be abused? NO. So don’t do it to the other person. Would you want someone to be in control of who you are, how you think, who you should relate with, how you should relate with other people, where to go and not go??? The list is endless, then DON’T DO IT TO THEM.
Respect is earned. You can’t gain it through abuse, rather you will lose it forever. Avoid being called names that are not yours: ABUSER! No, that is not good.
(S.A.) That’s exactly what I’m experiencing. My husband recently did one thing that embarrassed me to death; going to the shopping complex to see if I realy went to PNP. To his suprise, I saw him and he did not see me; then he concluded I was not there. Then I found him with an axe next to my bed. I felt cold as if I was frozen for sometime and he was so angry.
I cried and told my sister and I felt so ashamed of my children and my mother who raised me so hard. Even worse for myself, because I regard myself as such a principled person for him to regard me as a low-life who goes out and undresses anywhere and at anyone.
But it’s still continuing… what must I do and why is it happening? Why doesn’t he just leave when he doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore? Pity I love him, and I believe in God.
(CANADA) I have to say being stalked from a former partner really is not a great feeling. My soon to be ex-husband has been spying on us and using other people for his plan. He even gave us death threats because I was involved with someone else. He convinced people that it was all me and now they are all in a heap of trouble.
He just can’t let us go. I will now have to get a restraining order and an injunction so he can’t see our child. He has put us through so much hell and the sad thing is he now could face prison time. He just needs to accept things are over and I will never get re-involved with someone like him again. Stalking is a syndrome. He is sick and I wish I never met him or married him. I am not going to let him ruin our lives because he can’t accept things as they are.
How do I know he is stalking? What if God is telling him to do this? If he has the calling that I am his how do I argue with God?
Again, Where is the equal treatment of stalked men????
My behavior has hurt everybody involved but I still cannot find the strength to get the help I need and rebuild myself to be a decent human being. I find pleasure in hitting on everybody’s wives and on occasions husbands and children to feel like I am better than everybody else. I find pleasure in pretending to be something that I am not from my bar stool.
David, You say you “cannot” find the strength. Yes you CAN. It’s never a matter of “can,” it’s a matter of our will to do what we know we must. And I’m telling you you MUST find the courage to get the help you need. If you don’t you will ultimately do something that will lead to personal disaster and could also hurt so many others.
There are a number of resources listed on our web site in the Sexual Issues section. Contact one or more of them NOW! You most likely have sexual addiction issues and you will never be able to conquer or defeat these giants on your own. So, please don’t put it off any longer. This could be your last chance to do what is right! ~ Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
My husband left several years ago and is living a Gay lifestyle. He had stalked me and our grown children years ago, he is doing it again. He uses anyone he can to spy on me or stalk me. Now that we are going through a divorce, he is using the legal system to bully me. My attorney doesn’t believe that he is abusive despite cases that are documented of his stalking. I am a Christian and I just want to be free of his controlling and abusive behavior. His abuse spans over many years. I have told him, I will not stand for his abuse anymore. I just want it to stop!