A successful sex life can be challenging even when everything is going well. But what if your spouse isn’t even around—sometimes for weeks? What if you are located a long distance from each other? Welcome to my world!
Sex in Long Distance Marriages
Life with an often-absent spouse has its challenges, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy.
The first challenge is simply not being together. You can’t have sex with your husband if he’s not there! My sex drive doesn’t turn off just because my husband isn’t around. The longer he’s gone, the more aware I become of my sexual needs. Do I wait until he’s home, or do I satisfy myself? Unfortunately, for too long, I chose the latter.
Advised by another woman to masturbate, I was convinced I needed to keep up my libido to be ‘ready’ when my husband returned. I was told that without it my sex drive would shut down.
None of that is true.
Sexual success between a husband and wife is more than sex and orgasms. It also includes emotionally intimacy. Masturbating, even while thinking about your spouse, doesn’t build intimacy. Instead, it trains your body to respond quickly to your own stimulation.
That training can lead to problems, making it more difficult for a woman to reach a sexual climax with her husband.
Long Distance Challenges
Emotional intimacy can also be eroded by concerns regarding a spouse’s faithfulness.
Husbands, your wife’s sex drive is directly connected to her confidence in you while you are away. We know the temptations of porn, prostitutes and female co-workers exist. Your wife needs to know she’s your one and only, even while you’re gone. (The recent scandal with US Secret Service Agents and their ‘Wheels Up, Rings Off’ practice doesn’t encourage wives with traveling husbands!)
Give each other permission to call night or day with a promise to always answer. Call each other on breaks just to chat. Share good news, bad news, funny moments and the temptations you struggle with. Removing any hint of worry builds a solid foundation for a successful sex life.
Use technology to keep the communication lines open! Cell phones, Skype, texts and emails are wonderful tools for couples who are apart. Keep each other up to date on details like bills, to-do lists and the kids’ misdemeanors so you can focus more on each other when you’re together again.
Connecting Despite the Long Distance
But don’t leave it at just information. Communicate how you feel about each other, not just about the kids or the crazy day. Encourage each other and pray together.
A few days before you’ll be together, start talking about sex. Tell each other what you’re looking forward to — feel free to be graphic! King Solomon was! In fact, try reading sections of Song of Solomon out loud over the phone. Plan in advance when you will be physically intimate. If he walks in the door and expects to find you in lingerie ready for a night of wild sex, and you are thinking it’ll be a quiet night of bubble bath or tea with friends while he watches the kids… you’ll have fireworks of a different kind!
On the day of the big ‘event’ you should think about what it will feel like to have your spouse touch you. Think about how great he or she is, what their strengths and great character traits are, and how God has blessed you with them.
(Okay… I know. You are thinking… there’s really nothing that great… you don’t know my spouse. And no. I don’t. But I know mine. I felt exactly the same way and was ready to walk out on a nearly dead marriage. I don’t have time for that here, but trust me, it starts by changing how you think and then acting on that. It’s biblical, and it works. Even in the bedroom!)
Prepare
Wives, spend time thinking about how you are going to knock his socks off! What will he enjoy? What would make him believe you are the best wife any man could have?
Husbands, prepare yourself to make her feel cherished. What can you do to let her know she is beautiful? Talk to her and let her talk to you while you actively listen. That’s foreplay for most women!
Pray that God would release you both to love each other without reserve. Pray for great sex. Then save your energy! You are going to need it!
More Challenges
This brings me to another challenge: fatigue. After being at home and on call 24/7, a late-night romp in silk sheets doesn’t sound nearly as wonderful as an early bedtime and a full night of sleep.
Part of preparing physically for sex is to get enough rest. Especially when you’ve been going solo for a while. So, wives, in preparation for that love-making session you have scheduled, take a nap.
If you work full time, take an hour or two off to rest and prepare. If you’re at home with children – get a sitter. Your marriage is worth the money you’ll pay for a 2-hour nap. Make it 4 hours and go get a massage! Doesn’t it make sense to invest a little money into something that should last the rest of your life!?!
It’s Important to Note:
If you are often separated from your husband, your love-life may not be as regular as you had hoped. But it doesn’t have to be bad. Have as many nights of passion as you can while your hubby is home. Enjoy it. Whisper words of ‘next time you’re home’ so you can both be prepared for more wonder in the bedroom.
The sex-life of a marriage separated by distance may seem like a feast or famine lifestyle. That’s okay. Your long distance marriage can still be marked with both purity and passion.
Carla Anne Coroy wrote this article, which was previously posted on the web site, “To Love, Honor, and Vacuum” (now called: Bare Marriage).
Carla is a speaker and author of Married Mom, Solo Parent, a great book about how to keep a family and a marriage thriving when your husband spends a ton of time away from home on business. Many of you military wives, and trucker wives, and salesmen wives, and consultant wives can relate. Also, Carla Anne Coroy blogs! Find out more at her site!