When it comes to whether you should tell your children about the affair, that’s a tough one! You really have to know your children. You know best if they could handle such information in a non-destructive way. Also, you know best, whether or not they are too young.
You need to be very prayerful and careful with whatever you decide to do. It could drastically change how they view the parent who had the affair. It can change how they interact with them in the future.
But it can also be a good thing to hear it from their parents rather than from someone else. Unfortunately, this sometimes happens. These kinds of things have a way of shooting out of the darkness into the light. Your children, whether they are young or adult, may feel betrayed if they were never told from their parents and had to hear about it elsewhere.
Advice on This
Cindy Crosby, who wrote an article posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine gives the following advice:
“Children are your first priority here.
Make sure you don’t injure them for life. Both of you need to sit down together with the child or the children. And both of you need to take responsibility for whatever you have contributed to the experience. This is not to the affair, necessarily, but for the tension that exists in the family environment.
“Does age impact this?
If your children are under eight years old, they’ve already made up their own story. They are egocentric and will think they have caused the tension. If your children are teenagers, the kids probably already suspect the affair. Tell them the whole story. Dad had a girlfriend. Mom got involved with someone at work. Sharing the truth allows them to process the issue with Mom and Dad instead of guessing. It keeps them from expending emotional energy checking on how well Mom and Dad are doing.
“That’s a lot of honesty.
The issues for your kids are, ‘Will Mom and Dad make it? Will we stay together as a family?’ Do not lie. If you are not sure your marriage can be saved, tell them to pray; tell them you are seeing a counselor. Then, give lots and lots of touching and hugging and stroking and eye contact to your child. They need that reassurance.”
To learn more of what Cindy writes in her article concerning infidelity, please read:
• WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN…
And What You Need to Know About Prevention and Recovery
We’d really like to hear from you as far as what you think. Have you been in this place yourself or do you know of someone who has? Please “Join the Discussion” below and tell us briefly what happened and whether you think it’s a good idea to tell your adult children about the affair. It could possibly help someone else who is faced with this dilemma.
More to Read
Before doing so, we’d like you to read the articles we have posted below that might help you in some way in your own situation. Please click onto the web site links below to read:
Several of these articles come from a non-Christian web sites. But they have some good information to consider. Please pray first for guidance from the Lord and then click onto the web site links to read:
• SHOULD I TELL MY CHILDREN ABOUT THEIR DAD’S AFFAIR?
• SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?
And lastly:
• SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR ADULT CHILDREN ABOUT THE AFFAIR?
We’re hoping the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor, will guide you whether you should tell your children of the affair and if so, what you should tell them.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Hi! This year has been a bad year for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. First, my husband of 25 years was having an affair, and all his family knew about it. Then my young daughter got married. She is 17 years old. My husband moved out and wanted to live with the other woman for about a week. Then he came back home. He said he was sorry and said he loved me a lot.
But when we were at home trying to work on our marriage the other woman kept calling his cell phone in the middle of the night. And then when the fights started again, he left and moved in with his mom. Then me and my kids were homeless cause the men we were buying the house from played us as fools. We were paying 506.83 dollars a month to him since 2004 with a 4,000 dollar down payment. It was owner financed. But he owed money to the bank and got the house. We lost everything. We did not have anywhere to live until an aunt and uncle of my husband’s offered for us to stay with them until we found a place to stay.
But my husband did not care if we had a place to sleep or not, not even with his family. When he found out we were going to live with his aunt and uncle, he moved out of his mother’s house and wanted to live somewhere else cause his aunt and mom live next door to each other.
So time went by, my husband got sick from too much drinking of beer and the first one there was me to take care of him cause I married him in the church and through God’s eyes. But I don’t know how to forgive him and to trust him again. I love him a lot even after all he did to me and the family.
Is there really a God? I am losing faith in God. I don’t think there’s a God out there anymore. I feel sometimes the world would be better without me cause some days I just want to sleep all day. That way I don’t have to worry about anything anymore, just sleep and sleep. Please pray for me, cause I need to find God again!!!
(AUSTRALIA) Firstly Dear, I have suffered something similar and I can really feel for your children. I’m sending you and your children all the wishes, blessings and the ability to cross this crisis that has hit your family.
I may be rude here, but this is for your good. Leave and never talk to that man again. Make sure your children are not in touch with him or else they will start adopting his ways.
HOWEVER, it is really important for you to forgive him and move on. Your children must do that and understand why they must cut off all relations with him. Like the saying, a rotten leg should be cut off, because it affects the whole body.
Secondly, I come from a Hindu Background so this may not apply to You depending on your faith. But I believe whether you are a Christian or anything else, God is one and we just give him different names.
It’s like you may call a table something in English and something different in Spanish but its the same thing right? that is the same for god. So please don’t mind but I will talk through the eyes of a Hindu. however, do not lose trust in god.
In our faith we have a saying, if god answers your prayers, he knows you are faithful. if he doesn’t answer for a while, then he is testing your faith, and if he doesn’t answer at all, then he has something better for you.
In our faith, we believe in karma. This is what goes around, comes around as westerners put it. Look, your husbands karma is really bad. And after he dies, he will suffer so badly, therefore he will be punished by god for hurting god’s beloved children ( your family).
Just keep faith in god, if you go to church, continue doing that, if you dont, still just believe in god. God will give him the biggest punishment that none of you can or have the right to give. If you want any more advice, just email me on gang_cool6@yahoo.com. I can give you some talking and also explain logics if you cannot understand what I’m talking about.
(AMERICA) Hi there, My dad and mother were married for 20 years. Before they were married, my dad had a lot of girlfriends which was fine. But after marriage, he started to have different affairs. I was 9 when I first came to know about this (that time 4th affair after marriage). And then slowly, new women started to come into his life. If I count till I remember, he has had over 10 affairs ( I’m only 17), and each time my mother had forgiven him when she caught him. Can u believe it?
Then about 5 years ago, he met this woman. That woman was a family friend and she and my dad had a secret relationship ( she is also a mother whose daughter is married). Her daughter supported her.
Now I don’t have any evidences, but I know for sure that she has got my mother killed. I cannot take her to court because I do not have any evidence. Its been 2 and a half months since my mother was killed, and we moved to a different country ( now America from Canada). After 2 months of her passing, my dad has another affair with another woman.
Where do I get the courage from to forgive him? Please help me. I miss my mother already. AND on top of that, my brother (20) and I (17) are not allowed to have any girlfriends and have to be home by 9 o clock.
I’m not so weak that I would commit suicide but I’m so full of revenge right now. Though I’m trying to be mature, I cannot forgive him.
And about the murder of my mother, that b**** hired someone to do it, because we saw a text on my mothers phone saying ” You will be dead in 24 hours” and she was killed the next morning, AND her phone was not there ( evidence removed).
I know my dad didn’t want to KILL her, but he never loved her too. Even at her funeral, my dad was busy looking after the guests, than actually wishing her a good afterlife.
PLEASE I NEED VERY GOOD ADVICE REGARDING THIS…I THINK I’M IN DEPRESSION RIGHT now.
I’m so sad that I don’t even know what to do?
(USA) My son had an affair. It lasted a few weeks or so. The affair produced a baby. He told his wife shortly after the affair and he has not had contact with this woman since, other than by a joint e-mail that he and his wife set up. My son’s wife has never left his side. They immediately went to therapy. They wanted to do a paternity test right away, but the other woman wouldn’t do it.
My son and his wife have 2 children and another on the way. This happened a little over a year ago. My son was just served papers and will go to court to determine paternity. He is certain it is his child. They are most concerned about how to tell their 5 year old daughter. They have only been able to get through this by the grace of God. They are praying for the right words to tell their oldest daughter. They plan to support the child financially and also have her be a part of their lives. Does anyone have any advice?
(USA) My wife have at the early stage of our 7years marriage with 3kids (2boys and a girl) confessed of cheating on our marriage with one of her ex-relationship which she never told me about and at the same time she’s been very secretive in all her dealings and even had some many other relationship she keeps because each time I bug into her email box I read a lot of illicit communication with both all her ex-relationship and new ones including her dirty relationships with her colleagues even most recently I saw some of her nude picture snapped via the web. I’m generally tired of the marriage and I’m thinking of walking out from it (Separation) she’s a constant liar of all time
(CANADA) In my quest for answers for my heart breaking situation I came across this website and I am so thankful. I’ve been married for 16 yrs but have known my husband for 21 years. I have 2 girls from a previous relationship and 2 girls with my husband. When we got married I was not a believer until I got baptized in 2002. Three years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with his best friend’s wife and the end result is now two children from that volatile relationship (2 yrs old and 5 months; girls).
I cannot begin to put into words the hurt and devastation that me and my children had to endure while his infidelity was going on. He abandoned his family and everything that was good in his life. I prayed daily and with a lot of guidance and support from my church family/pastor I managed to gain strength and encouragement to fight for God’s blessings in my marriage. I was constantly being told by my church that I was fighting a spiritual battle and to not look at the person but the evil force behind his action.
I gave up a lot – My health suffered, my children suffered. When my husband had moments of clarity (and God was speaking to his heart) he would come home a broken man and tell me how much he wants his family and how he can’t seem to control his lust (I have no other word for this emotion as he claims he does not love her) for this person. For three years he went from me to her, each time the other kicked him out he reached out to the other one so essentially he was sleeping with two women during that span of time.
So in January when he had no place to go and was living in his car for the umpteenth time, I reached out to him and asked him back into my life even though I did not want to but again, I wanted to please God and thought if I tried one more time then maybe God will bless us. Now, I am seeing a repeat of last year and my husband has now turned into that evil person again. I felt it was time that he told (at least) our 16 yr old about his other children so that she hears it directly from him and is able to deal with this information in a caring and supportive environment. Our older girls are adults (21 & 22) and then there is an 8 year old; although I felt it was time we had a conversation with our youngest as I know she has been witness to the stress in our family over the past 3 years and I’m sure she doesn’t know how to process all that has been happening.
Anyway, when the time came to have that chat my husband flat out refused and said he was not ready to tell her even though his ex-mistress is taking him to court for child support for the two children AND our 16 year old knew about this even before finding out about the kids. I did the wrong thing and insisted that he tell her and he did but that’s when he told me that I made him do something that he didn’t want to do so we should end the relationship because he wants to live his life the way he wants and make his own decisions, period.
Once again we’re exactly in the same spot we were in last year when he morphs into this uncaring evil person. We split, he goes back to his mistress, God speaks to him, he stalks me until I cave in and take him back and then we give our family false hope that we can overcome this evil thats been invading our lives. I just don’t know what to do anymore except I am taking this a step further and will cut all ties with him and proceed with the divorce. I just want to know how I can get God to forgive me for giving up and allowing Satan to win this battle. Please pray for me and my four girls.
(IRELAND) My husband began an affair with a client who was here every day. It was on and off from April 2010 to Jan 2011. I knew from August 2010 but he kept it up. June this year he tried to get back with her and left me. She said no and he came back home. I have 3 kids 11, 10 and 8 and they were never told about the affair. We all knew this girl and I don’t want them to hate him.
Worse still, we recently were in her company at a sporting event with the kids. It’s a mess. We live in a tiny village and everyone knows. I guess we need to agree on an approach if someone tells them. It’s very hard. He openly admits he would not be with me if she had taken him back. I come from a broken family and I don’t want my kids to live like I did but I kinda feel like a doormat.
(USA) Hello all – For the past year or so, I have suspected my husband of cheating with a woman he has befriended at my daughter’s school. I have often suspected him of cheating with other women throughout our marriage, but never had any proof.
With this current woman, I have found that our call-log history (for our shared business line) shows her number mutiple times a day and for hours at a time. When I discovered this, I confronted my husband wanting to know who this person was. He would not share. I discovered her identity and asked why he was hiding it. He said that they were “just friends” and that he didn’t want me to over-react. He claimed that they just had so much in common and a lot to talk about. He would get angry at me if we spent more than 10 minutes on the phone together and always wanted to keep the conversation to business only (ie. kids, dinner, upcoming events, etc).
Their conversations continued throughout the year and then became visits with the children. She is an at home mom and he works from home, so they spent the whole summer going to the pool, beach, etc. together all while both of their spouses worked (yes, she is also married).
As the year progressed, there would be mysterious meetings that he needed to attend, nights he claimed to sleep over at a friends, etc. Once, I even spotted his car in the parking lot of a restaurant when he told me he would be somewhere else. I questioned him about it, but he said that he was just waiting there until his friend was ready. I’m positive that I saw “her” car drive down the street to meet him.
I have questioned him repeatedly if he is having an affair with this woman, but he still claims that they are just friends. I recently asked if she was going through a divorce and he wanted to know why that mattered. Turns out that yes, in fact, she has asked for a divorce from her husband.
Recently, I discovered a text from daughter to her father saying that she hates him because he is cheating on me with this woman and that she knows about it from the woman’s son and his friend. He of course did not respond to her text. She also doesn’t know that I read this text. My daughter has the weight of the world on her shoulders and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice out there?
Sarah, Please pray and then re-read what you wrote in your message here. What comes to light in all of this? If a female friend of yours wrote what you did, what would you think? Would you suspect that her husband is having an affair? And if you found out her daughter found something out in line with all of this, would you advise she keep quiet and allow even more of “the weight of the world” to stay upon her daughter’s young shoulders without her mom facing this truth with her?
It’s one thing to be blurting out extra things that children don’t need to know about their father, but it’s another to let a daughter unload the facts, which this daughter has discovered, upon a parent who is willing to listen, acknowledge and care (even if it will bring out things the parent doesn’t want to know). Telling the daughter about the discovered text is not out of the realm of possibilities to reveal, in this case. Yes, the daughter may be angry, but this is an angry type of situation, which needs to be brought out into the light and dealt with.
It’s like the saying goes, “you can’t work on what you don’t acknowledge.” You’re pretty sure you know the truth. And if you don’t, it would be good to pray that at the appropriate time, truth will be revealed –even though it will GREATLY change your life. Pray for strength to face that truth. And pray that your husband stops this secretive behavior. It’s a destructive precedence to allow this to continue EVEN IF he isn’t having an affair.
There is no way to “over-react” to something if there’s nothing to react to, in the first place. If he keeps his “friendships” above board and in the light for his wife –his partner in marriage, to be a part of, then all is well and all will be well. They should not be going to the “pool, beach” or anywhere else together. And they should not be talking privately on the phone together. You know it; they know it, but they are doing it anyway. They are both married to different people and should act like it –protecting their integrity and also showing that they care more about the feelings of the other spouse’s –particularly you.
If this woman is getting a divorce (which makes all of this situation even more problematic), then they need to back away all the more from each other. Right is right and this is not right –their secretive behavior is not right. If he won’t back off –that will tell you something about his priorities. It will tell you that he cares more about her feelings than yours. It will tell you that he is breaking marital partnership so he can act like a single man, and not someone who is married and intends to be faithful to his wife and daughter.
Sarah, this is all horribly tough stuff! I’m so sorry to say this. But it’s better to open your eyes voluntarily and face the truth, rather than be broadsided with it. If you’re ok with this secretive behavior continuing, then continue and grow, it will. Again, I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.
(USA) Hi Cindy – Thank you so much for your insight. I think in my heart, I never wanted to admit that the affair was really happening. Watching the reaction from my daughter was devastating and made me open my eyes. I have since discussed the text with her and have learned that she was told about the affair in front of all of her friends at recess. I am so happy that I was able to talk to her about it. I continue to keep the lines of communication open with her.
Unfortuately, the end result will be even more painful for all of us. After I confronted my husband about it (at first he continually denied it all and eventually admitted his affair), we have decided to divorce. It was also revealed that this instance was not his first nor second affair and he didn’t feel any guilt nor wrong-doing on his part. He feels that it was all justified since he was not happy with me.
We have not told the children (age 11 and 13) yet of the plan to divorce. I realize that we need to have a unified story when we discuss this with them. My concern is how the discussion with go with my daughter. She obviously knows about the affair (it is discussed at school regularly and my husband is not very discrete). I believe she has told my son, but he does not want to believe his father would do this. My husband does not want any discussion about the affair (which I agree) in our discussion with this kids, but they both already know about it. How do we address their questions about the affair?
My husband has already decided that he will move in with his mistress as soon as her divorce is final and expects that the children will spend his parenting time at his new home with her and her children. I have stated that this is not appropriate and would think that they need to have at least a one year transition period before spending the night at her house. Does anyone have any experience with this?
(USA) I am in the final month of my divorce, which is ending without a big battle. My soon to be X wife filed for divorce 4 months ago. During this time she has been having an affair and lying about it to me and my 18 and 20 year old boys. In the beginning I tried to ignore the affair in disbelief and hoped we could reconcile. The 2 boys have an idea but do not want to talk about it. I have slipped a couple of times.
As the divorce is inevitable, I am staying mum 1 more month as to not turn a crazed woman so she turns this into a financial battle (which she once threatened if I turned the kids against her). As much as I am trying to get rid of my anger, I still am waiting for the end to reveal everything I know/knew, which I am told I should not do but feel I have to release all of what has been held in.
The bigger concern is what do I tell my 2 boys who will live with me (in between living at college). I have been suppressing the truth for so long. I feel it should come out but I am afraid it just brings them more pain??? I know that I should not do this to turn them against their mom… HELP!
(USA) My husband of 28 years, checked out and moved on March 2010 and with the encouragement of another woman in Oregon (he moved there for work). He had lost his job of 20 years and got offered a job there from friends reference. At this point he had pretty much ended it with me, without even telling me. During March – Jan of 2011 this woman in Oregon encouraged my husband to get on dating sites (married people shouldn’t be doing this!!) and to tell people at work and women he met or friended that we were separated. Of which we were not!!! I have 3 children (at the time 21, 17, 15).
I get it when people grow apart. But to confide in the opposite sex about your marriage problems and have them encourage you to betray that marriage bond is despicable.
I honestly have told my children everything. He not only cheated on his wife of 28 years, but he cheated and betrayed their trust. How? He chose to spend his off weekends with her or others instead of inviting them to visit him 3 hours away (living separate for work). He never asked his youngest son or me to the apartment during summer break or even to meet people he works with or knows. He has started a new life. My children have chosen to exclude him from theirs because of his exclusion of them. I have taught my children morals and values. You don’t sleep with a married person and if they tell you they are separated it doesn’t give you the right to sleep with them. They are after all STILL married.
My kids have informed me that they will NEVER accept her in their lives and probably not even their father. Those are their choices. Just like I will never be social or respectful to either of them. Yes we are divorcing. I will take my life and move far away from him. The children have already said they will move with me when the time comes. They have not talked to and have even deleted him from facebook. One of my boys wants his cell number changed and asked me to never give it to him.
Be honest with your boys; tell them everything. They are mature enough and what happened isn’t your fault. Pick up and move on for yourself. Never bring it up again with them and you will be surprised at how honorable they will be because you have taught them morals and values. Forgiveness and acceptance may never come. It doesn’t matter that she is their mother. She did the family wrong. But let them make their decisions. They will be happier for it. If they choose to communicate with them, that needs to be done in their own time. I hope you recover and be there for your children’s sake. Take care.
(USA) By being honest with your children you provide an important learning lesson for them in their future marriages.
(USA) Thank you, HDW. Sometimes honesty hurts. In my opinion honesty is the best policy. My boys are hurt at what he has done to me and to them. An affair isn’t just about the couple. It is about time taken away from the children. My husband made a 180 turn and has excluded family from his new life. We have never met anyone from Dallas where he lives. I don’t even know his boss!!
This woman he is with slept with a married man with young children. Even if we were separated, it doesn’t give him nor her to sleep together. He lied to me for 10 years. Why 10? He said back in 2011 that he has been unhappy for 10 years!!! Really? And why am I just now hearing this? He said he wrote it all down in his journal and that he knows I read them and knew how he felt. Wow, he couldn’t even talk to me.
I have had many medical issues – hysterectomy, chicken pox, broken feet, depression, stress, anxiety, GERD along with family issues such as bullying, dui, financial, etc. All the while dealing with 2 bouts of unemployment!! But yet, here I am, still wanting us to be together. He is all I know after 35 years together. She had the nerve to tell me by email that she will continue to make him “happy” so he won’t stray again and that we need to be civil because she will be at weddings and graduations, etc. We aren’t even divorced. My boys refuse her and right now refuse him, too. If they ever accept him they will not accept her at any event they have, after all, she slept with their father who was and still is married to.
He couldn’t be honest with me or his children or the rest of his family either. He said at one point too that our issues were none of his sisters’ or parents’ concern. BUT, they were everyone else’s up in Dallas and Lake Oswego. And what about me; isn’t it more my concern than theirs?
Anyway, thanks for agreeing that honesty is the best policy. His boys need to be told they whole thing. They will have respect and gain morals and values in the end for their father as my boys will for me too. I am so glad I found this site to help me get these things out in the open.
(USA) I was happily married and serving on staff at a church in music ministry with a man that I believed God had placed in my life for life. My world was shattered when I was called into a meeting with our pastor and his wife. My husband had requested not to be there. He had confessed to the pastor that he had “homosexual thoughts” and feared that he might “act out” on them. The pastor had counseled him to be a faithful husband in spite of his feelings and to not give in to the workings of the enemy.
We prayed and received counseling, but 3 years later I found out that he was in a relationship with a man from our church. It was devastating to say the least. He was removed from ministry and chose the other man. Then he came back and said that he wanted to be with our family. Our boys were 1 and 3 1/2 at the time. He would give anything to be with our family. We moved out of state back to our home state where he took a job at another church, but lied to me about having told them his situation. He said that they wanted to keep it private and for me never to discuss it, so I didn’t.
Long story short, the man he was involved with moved to where we were and they continued in their relationship. I stayed in the marriage for eleven long years after the original time the issue had surfaced.
In 2008, I could stand it no more. He moved the man into the apartment in our home and told me that he would be living there. I had no say in this matter. I told him I would not continue to “cover up” his sin and would be leaving the home. We told our boys together, then 12 and 15 that we were divorcing, but my husband told them it was because we could not work things out and there were many issues why we were divorcing.
As the boys became older I answered their questions honestly and they now know that their father and the man that he lives with are gay. My younger son, 14 at the time of finding out ended up in the hospital because of devastating depression. My older son felt that I had been the cause of the separation and we were distanced in relationship.
God has brought so much healing into our lives. I remarried in 2011 to a wonderful, loving Christian man. He has been a great role model to my boys. The boys are now older and able to understand things more clearly and completely. Their judgment is more mature and they have come to their own conclusions in some regards. They still spend time with their dad and I encourage them to love him, but not to condone the lifestyle he has chosen.
I think that we should have told the boys the “basics” of why we were divorcing. It seems unfair that I had to take part of the “fault” for the disintegration of a marriage that I was committed to for many years when I didn’t feel it was my fault.
I pray for God to give wisdom to anyone going through a situation that includes children. Never share things out of anger or in a demeaning way. Pray with and for your children each day. Know that God is faithful in all things and that He loves our children more than we ever could and He always has their best interests at heart.
(USA) I am recently divorced after a 20 year marrige with 5 children. My ex wife had a 1 year emotional affair with an old highschool boyfriend and she was speaking with another old friend. I found out and tried to make it work for about 10 months and keep the family together. Needless to say it did not work out for us. She is planning on being with this man as he is moving to be with her. They have not seen each other in 22 years… crazy right?
Since our divorce this man started using the social media to voice his opinions of me and how I am dealing with my ex wife. I have 2 older children over the age of 18 and do not want them to see these words online. My question is, should I sit them down and tell them what is going on before they see it for themselves? They do not know that there mom was unfaithful but I think they suspect something was up… I need some advice ASAP.
(CHINA) John, I want tell you one thing which I feel is best in this world. “Say the truth whatever, how so ever it is.” Sooner or later all will understand and do what you think is right for you and what you have to do and if you are confused what you have to do, then the only way is speak out the truth as it is. Humans are a social animal and very smart but if you just the truth, it’s most smart and may damage a relationship and reputation for a while, but at the end you will see every thing will be fine. Go with truth ….
(USA) Recently suspicious of my husband, but no proof. On his new iphone he has listed a coworker with facetime on his favorites. He only has 4 favorites: car place, pizza place, home (landline), and this lady coworker. I am in his contacts, but not on favorites.
(USA) I’m about to have major surgery & having fears of not making it through the surgery. My dilemma is whether to tell my adult children ages 35 & 32 about the affair that their father had 29 years ago while they were 3 & 6 years old. It has never been discussed in all of these years.
My husband & I are still married, but ours has not been an ideal marriage. At the time of the affair, he sat both of the children down & told them that he no longer loved me & that he loved someone else. I think that my oldest probably remembers, just because he has an excellent memory & is very intelligent.
My primary reason for thinking about telling them is because I know that I was not a good mother to them for many, many years afterwards & want them to know that their father was at least partially at fault. I guess I just want them to not blame me entirely for it. I was unable to cope & was not available to them emotionally. They had to know that something wasn’t right, but I don’t feel that I gave them the emotional support that they needed. I went through all of the motions, but barely remember a period of about 10 years after the affair.
Also, I don’t want them finding out about it after I’m gone & having questions that I’m not around to answer. Both of our children have done well and don’t seem to be affected, but I still feel so much guilt.
(CHINA) it’s a messy relation between me and my wife. I feel that we never should have married because our love was never a healthy relationship, but from this relationship we have kids. Now, how do I face the situation after dragging the relations on for years? Do I choose to divorce or without getting a divorce fall into a relationship with another woman which gave a ray of hope for a happy life?
Yeah, society has it’s own view, idea about what’s right. But can someone feel the pain if the wounds are on another’s body? Why do people like judges, lawyers and society decide for the faith of others even when they are not even a part of concern for the other persons life? They can not even know what is happening to the concerned person.
I have one kid that’s just 3 and half years old and taken away by my wife and has even refused any access to me. The other child is 6 and half years old and is living with my parents. Do I can share this with my kids that we broke up and seprated and in another relationship? How and what is the proper time to explain this all to the kids?
(USA) I don’t know whether to tell my college age children that I found out their father was leading a double life cheating and lying with great expertise for three years. He portrayed himself to everyone his entire life as a person of high integrity and ethics–that was his trademark. We all believed it, especially me. Now I can honestly say that my husband is a pathological liar who has an ability to manipulate and twist the truth so masterfully that it is scary. He is incredibly selfish and immoral.
If we divorce, which we probably will, I don’t want to have them carry this image of their father with them for the rest of their lives, since he is part of them. I don’t want to ruin their relationship with him or hurt them. However, I am worried that their father will lie to them about me, and I will end up playing the part of the bad person. He is so good at lying.
I know that they are in a stage of their life where they don’t really want to know about their parents’ problems. Their father worked out of town and refused to move the children and me to his new city, because of this woman. He had lied and said that it was because his new job wasn’t secure, but after four years, he still works there. My daughter didn’t have her father for three years of high school, and she and I both suffered from his affair. Shouldn’t she know the truth??
(USA) Oh my gosh yes. You must sit them all down and tell them. Show them this post if it will help. They need to know the things he has done. He hasn’t just done them to you he did this to them and they deserve the truth. It’s going to hurt; they will cry, get angry, scream, etc. But they can’t be subjected to the multitude of lies that this person they call their father to keep doing to them. It will happen again and the lies will get bigger and bigger the more that he gets away with it.
My husband has been lying to all of us for the past 10 years. Then the past two has been having an affair all in the meantime I am at the house taking care of everything. He lives in Dallas for work and would only come home every other weekend or whatever worked for him. Has been entertaining her using our mutual account, taking a vacation with her and denying it and not having the guts to tell them himself. I told them. They are disgusted with him and the double life (I didn’t look at it that way, thanks for this) he has been in for so long.
He said he has been unhappy for 10 years and checked out in 2010 when he moved to Oregon for work. We had no idea he was considering this a separation and a free will for him to explore woman on dating sites and bars until he moved to Dallas and did the same thing and found someone and slept with her, all the time lying to her that we were separated (to me you don’t sleep with someone even separated, you are in my book legally married and it is adultery). But he did it anyway and she thought we were separated and it was ok to sleep with him. A separation, if we were, is a time to get counseling and therapy and try to work on your marriage not a time to explore other options. What a cop out!!
So, sit them down, tell them everything you know and what your fears are. Leave him and get on with your life. Find a good family lawyer. You and the kids will be better off without the lies and deceit. Good luck and post what you do. I would love to hear the outcome as I have told my kids everything from the beginning and they are making their own decisions as to the future with him.
(USA) I need help– my husband of 8 yrs. had an affair with this younger girl from work. It turns out after I caught them, she no longer wanted anything to do with him but she had become pregnant in the short time their affair took place. She sent me a text telling me that she didn’t need my husband for anything and that her baby was not going to have anything to do with us (me, and my two boys ages 6 and 4) and she went on to say that he will never see the baby.
It just so happens that last week she was texting him demanding money and saying the kid still needs things and his arrival is soon approaching. I have no problem with the fact that he was going to do the paper work himself for child support once the kid was born, but now my dilemma is how do I mention it to my two boys that they are going to have a little brother from their dad’s affair? I don’t want to cause severe damage or harm to them by giving them the news. To them their dad is their hero and well, mommy is just plain old mommy. I need help… I’m very lost and confused. I forgave my husband for the sake of our children, but I must admit that I feel so lonely and sad over this whole situation.
(AUSTRALIA) I was watching a documentry a few days ago where the facts were similar. However 9 years later, for whatever reason, a DNA test was done, proving the child did not in fact belong to the man who had had the affair. It would be only fair and reasonable for your husband to ask this woman to prove it were his, in my opinion.
Assuming the baby is his, is your husband intending to have anything to do with this child other than financially? If not, I would hesitate in telling your children. If they have to see the child, and you are in someway going to include him in your family, then I suppose they would need to know.
Have you thought about the fact that your husband will have to have on going communication with this woman? How will that occur? It should be all above board (on that you see all communications) and they should be kept to the bare minimum.
(USA) Your husband must never see this child or his affair partner again if you want to recover your marriage. He also has poor boundaries around the opposite sex which lead to the affair. If you visit http://www.marriagebuilders.com there is a forum for “other child” that can address your case.
But if you want to rebuild your marriage he must commit to no contact with them for life.