Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) Sometimes a husband is at an age where his testosterone levels are low and things just aren’t working properly. Maybe he loves his wife deeply and wants to be intimate with her, but can’t perform.
(UK) Bridg – I am rereading your post. Every time I do I learn more -and I agree with everything you say. I hope very much, however, that you are wrong on one point – “The wife is turned off. There is no way to turn her back on again.” Is this really true? I really believe that fulfilling emotional sex is core to my happiness and feeling of self worth, and I am finding the absence of it devastating. The lack of it has put my marriage, which should be so happy in every other way, firmly on the rocks.
I don’t believe that my relationship with my wife will ever be fulfilling without the emotional support that I derive from a full and rewarding (emotional) sex life. I am already so low and devastated that I doubt my courage and fortitude to reverse the decline. Is our situation completely beyond hope? Has anyone else managed to avert divorce and turn their marriage around by “turning her on again”? I would really welcome yours and anyone’s thoughts and advice…
Stewart, This is a Christian web site. If you believe that God resurrected the dead and that He created and still creates life, and that He is a miracle worker, then you will know that there is always hope. It may not come in the timing you want it or in the way you want it (although it might). God can give you fulfillment in ways that you never imagined with your wife and in your life. Please don’t buy the lie that once something appears to be dead or waining in some way, it can never blossom again.
I’ve seen this to be true in my own marriage. I didn’t “get it” as far as what my husband and I could have together if I just opened my mind and heart to being more sexual and intimate with my him. It took me a number of years to understand the whole sacredness of having a sexual relationship with my husband and the excitement it could involve. But I sure get it now and try so hard to explain this to other wives. I was a disinterested wife for a long time… but I’m sure not that way now. So yes, all things are possible for the future even if it looks impossible at this point in your relationship.
(UK) Cindy – you are a treasure and do indeed give me hope. I really appreciate the support and guidance you give. It’s also great to have the thoughts and views of others – together with their interpretations of The Lord’s teachings. God bless you.
(USA) Stewart, NOT TRUE, ‘once the wife is turned off, can’t turn back on again.” My experience was that I was an uninformed, harried, stressed woman who had no clue how my man ‘ticked’. As I began to research why our marriage was falling apart, that was one of my big discoveries. He needs sex more than me. Now, five years later, in our mid 50’s, we have had some the best times together in our marriage, physically and emotionally. I’m the woman who “hated my husband and was devising every justification to leave’ just a few short years ago, BUT as I studied why marriages die, and what God’s Word said about marriage, I knew I had to honor my vows before God and my man, and remain where I was –we have 23 years together.
(UK) Stewart, in your recent posts I have noticed a common theme, which I myself experienced and was able to address and resolve. You talk of your needs and unresolved issues but there’s no mention of your wife’s needs and you look for a ‘fast’ resolution.
The Bible says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:28-29).
When I realised my needs were not being met physically, through open discussions with my wife I was able to see in the same way her needs were not being met. And for this reason as described by Bridg above she switched off.
My wife is a business woman, who raises our two beautiful children and runs our house. She felt exhausted by her daily demands and by the end of the day (which is often when men are most in need), she still had jobs to do (washing, children’s lunches etc) and she had little energy left to physically respond to me.
Her needs were surprisingly simple for me to respond to and by addressing these we have experienced a wonderful change in our marriage. My wife needed support, in her handling of situations with the children, household chores and in having time to be herself. She needed praise and also physical contact with no pressure to do more -such as kissing, cuddling and holding hands. No strings help. She called it where I take out the bins or load the dishwasher for no reason other than I love her and I want to make her happy. I believed I already did this but I did as God bids and acting as a Christian should I sought to put others before myself and realised how far short I fell previously. Implementing these changes brought a remarkable change in me -whereas before I was plagued by black moods and dark feelings by changing my life to make her happy I felt a cloud lift from over me.
We were able to discuss our physical relationship and I now understand that on the occasions we postpone our love making she is not rejecting me but is unable to give whole heartedly to me the response she feels I deserve and does not want to give a sub standard offering. I also would not want her to ‘perform’ and were I to discover as Jessica says she does it when she doesn’t want to and hopes her man never finds out I would be distressed and it sounds as if you would be too. In turn when we do make love (about 3 times a week) it is incredible.
Putting into place simple measures to make sure each partner is getting what they need without feeling rejected or abandoned has had an amazing impact on our lives and I would recommend it to everyone.
(UK) Hi Peter – many thanks for sharing this with us. As I mention below, and contrary to the point in your first paragraph, I am eager to understand and meet her needs -the challenge is for her to understand her own needs herself first, and then communicate them to me in a way that I ‘get’. I’m a bloke, and so the communicating bit may not be as easy as she thinks I suppose – but I am a willing student at least!
I totally agree with the latter stuff, however, and I admire you for finding practical ways of meeting BOTH of your needs. Clearly you have both understood the problem, your own individual needs, and agreed practical ways of meeting both. What you describe is the positive ‘proof of the pudding’ to what I was suggesting as being the ideal compromise for two people who are wired differently in my post of 10 Nov 11:54pm, particularly para 4. In this post I talk of a ‘switch’ -do you think that this is correct, that you guys have one, and do you have any advice on implementing such a understanding?
(CANADA) Stewart. Thank you for re-reading my post. I read, re-read, and read again many of the posts around here, it’s such a breath of fresh air to interact here.
Of course there is always hope, and nothing is impossible. You may have a hard time finding people in this forum however who have done so, because most people come here with problems and not solutions. Cindy says she has done it, but she does not say how. After everything I have read here (all of the kind, patient, loving men who have tried EVERYTHING for years), I still don’t see how to do it. If I go back in time and think about my own situation, I still think that explaining to her in no uncertain terms, what you wrote above, is your best hope. If you can really and truly convince her that it is true, then she may come around.
But ultimately the question still remains. Why do some people get into that situation and others do not? How come some wives just ‘get it’? -OK -let me go a step further -I don’t know your wife at all, but, I can tell you that for me, one reason I didn’t want to listen to his arguments was because I actually did not want to accept that men and women are different. So, the arguments he gave me, in my opinion, were ‘male-driven’ and thusly, to be ignored. HOWEVER Stewart, it is possible, that he DID in fact SAY all the right things, and I simply did not want to hear them. I SO wanted to believe -because I LOVED HIM SO MUCH – that he and I were the SAME. I admit that that was a great fault I made.
Maybe that is where to start. She may love you with all her heart, but, she and you are not the same. She may not want to hear that though. I certainly know that I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. It is possible, of course it is, but you need to find the right strategy.
(CANADA) Peter, I’m not sure which threads you’re reading but it seems to me that Stewart absolutely understands that his wife has needs and sensitivities and is working hard to find compromises that meet both their emotional needs. Perhaps the fact that he is making these posts and she is not (I guess) means that her emotional needs ARE being met – he is the one who is suffering??
I guess a major problem is that so many women don’t understand their own needs. My mom told me a trick just before I got married. It goes like this -regularly review the day, what your husband does of his own volition and what you ask him to do. Now consider your reaction if he had a headache that prevented him from doing these things. Can’t go to work today because he has a headache? Ditto for the next day, and the next. Can’t take the trash out? Can’t clear up the yard. Doesn’t want to talk, empty the dishwasher. Asks for Advil instead of thanking you for the lovely meal you just cooked?? You get the message. Do this exercise regularly -it helps you understand your emotional needs, and it helps you appreciate your husband for meeting them.
I never ‘have a headache’ when I really don’t. My sacrifice plus his sacrifice equals one happy marriage.
(HONG KONG) I’m with Beth on this one, Peter. I see a guy seeking to understand himself AND his spouse, open to ideas and test hypotheses, so that he can find the compromises that work for both of them. I applaud Stewart in his endeavors and wish he and his wife well in finding peace TOGETHER and in CHRIST OUR LORD.
(UK) Thank you Beth and Hugh for your kind support. I am doing my utmost to understand my needs and issues as well as hers – and whilst I do frequently ask my wife what it is that she values in our relationship and what I could be doing differently to be a better husband to her, in truth I don’t think she really knows – and she has admitted the same. Beth’s tip is excellent – I will try and suggest it.
Our fundamental problem at the moment is simply one of communication. Emotional sex is a big issue and the root of our problems, but solving it can only be Step 2. Before we get anywhere close to resolving that challenge, we need to crack Step 1 – and that is finding a way that we can communicate properly and at a level where we can both really understand the feelings, fears and aspirations of the other.
(UK) Stewart, Hugo and Beth -what I see is a man who believes he is fulfilling his wife’s needs and believes he is open to ideas and compromises. I was this man and couldn’t understand why our relationship wasn’t working. Stewart asked for examples of people who turned their wives back on and I told him of our solution. Beth -I don’t believe it’s fair to assume Stewart’s wife’s needs are being met just because she isn’t posting here. Stewart openly admits there is a problem with communication and her articulation of her needs -although it’s implied these are all physical and she may need to do some self exploration.
We had this problem too and in fact reached a stage of not talking and divorce options. We restarted with a simple face to face discussion in a neutral location with each allowed to say their piece without the other interrupting. This meant we didn’t get into a shouting match but each was allowed to put their view point forward.
It turns out my wife did know what she liked and needed and I was so caught up in my own needs I had convinced myself I met hers and so had she, and we had both stopped listening properly. I’ll admit that even after this discussion I still felt I met all her needs but I agreed to change my behaviour. I love my wife and God and for this reason I wholeheartedly embraced a period of putting others needs before mine and I’m so glad I did. Stewart I don’t think there is a switch as you put it but I think once you reach an understanding together it’s possible for a man to accept those times that don’t end in physical sex if he knows that the times that do are rewarding and satisfying for both parties.
Stewart my question back to you, therefore, is are you willing to admit you might not be doing all you think and take time to stop and listen, truly listen? As an aside can I say this is not a personal attack on Stewart but I’m speaking to any man who feels like this and that it’s impossible to change your life and be truly happy -it can be done so don’t give up.
(CANADA) Hi Beth, I like your post, but I’m not sure I’m following. I don’t mean to put words in your mouth here, honestly just trying to understand because I’m sure you have a great point, but are you saying that my needs are for him to clear up the yard? I’m not following your comparison of household chores and emotional needs? What was your mother’s point?
(UK) My husband and I had sex related issues within our marriage and after much soul searching I discovered that the issues stemmed from me trying too hard to understand and meet my husband’s sexual/emotional needs. I found that before I knew it I was no longer comfortable with the sex we were having, performing sexual acts, beyond my comfort zone and often worrying about what he was going to ask of me next. He didn’t recognise that the pressure he put upon me led me to dread the very act that I had tried so hard to connect with him.
When I then unknowingly became dismissive of his sexual advances the pressure from him grew, driving a big divide between us. With God’s help, we continue to work at our marriage but I wish to warn men that when the focus of the issues within a marriage becomes sexually related, the pressure that the women’s encounters can be overwhelming, and much damage can be done if the man does not acknowledge his wives attempts to meet him half way, and check that he is not expecting her to perform beyond what she feels is dignified, reasonable and within her comfort zone.
Questions a man and his wife should pose and mutually compromise and agree on are, the frequency of sex, the expected duration of sex, the act itself, and the needs outside of the bedroom. Sex that is expected too frequently, or for too long a duration, or too intense can be overwhelming to the even the most accepting and willing of wives. I am saying that sex needs to be pre-planned and scheduled in to a diary. However, just a reassuring check to make sure that a wife is happy with how things are going with the above specifics in mind can be enough of a comport to a women to fulfil her emotional need.
(UK) Thanks you for sharing this with us Andrea – it is very useful indeed. You make some excellent points that are well worth taking on board.
I have to question, however, whether you have made the distinction between physical and emotional sex correctly? Your third paragraph sounds like a contract between a brothel and a punter – the time and date of the appointment, who ‘she’ will be, what she is to wear, what she is to perform etc. This is NOT what GOD intended. What you describe seems to be very mechanical, aimed at meeting a perceived PHYSICAL need of his, but completely overlooks the emotional requirements. In doing so, you are actually rejecting your husband. Have a look at the article again, Wound No.1, entitled ‘If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection’. The first para reads:
——————–
“As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
———————
I am no expert, but in reading posts by other women it seems to me that you need a period of self-exploration. Cindy describes it well in her post of 10 Nov 08:13, second paragraph. It strikes me that the only way that you may ever have a fulfilling relationship, both for yourself and your husband, is when you fully understand the sacredness of God’s gift.
(UK) Thank you Stewart. I was initially confused by your responce but have re-read my entry on the blog and realised that a vital word was missing. I meant to write, “I am NOT saying that sex needs to be pre planned…” I hope this clarifies things.
I love my husband, but tried too hard to meet his emotional needs and to connect with him in this way. The pressure that I felt turned into resentment. If we had just checked that we were both mutually happy with the above stated aspects of our sexual relationship by way of an open discussion with no associated pressure, I think the resentment and reluctance that I felt would have been explored. I would have been so relieved if I felt that he considered that he was perhaps pushing me too far. I don’t think sex should be planned, far from it, it is an act which should reflect your sentiment at the time.
(CANADA) Andrea, Stewart, Fascinating Andrea, that you started from a place of trying to meet his emotional needs through sex. I have to say wow, that is a really beautiful statement. I am amazed and stymied at my own stupidity when I read this. So lucky you for knowing this so early on. I only learned it upon finding this board several months ago.
Our problem, however, was that we got to the point where we asked each other if the frequency was OK, we both said ‘I guess’, and the frequency was 0. Yeah I know, I hear the big ‘Gong’ in the background.
(UK) Andrea: in response to your interesting entry; My husband and I wrote in a previous blog that in the most part men NEED sex, women DON’T as much or in the same way.
In order for a marriage to thrive it’s important to have mutual understanding of these fundamental differences. By respecting each other’s differences you can begin to communicate instead of fighting against them. Compromises can then follow. For us, these include the wife validating the importance of meaningful sex, putting time aside for it. For the husband, putting less pressure on his wife, replacing this with gentle reminders, enabling the woman to feel less cornered. This is essential.
(CANADA) My husband and I only have sex when I want it (he wants it all the time). By me initiating it we can then be sure that I am only doing it when I feel we are able to be emotionally connected by it. This avoids the situation many get into were by he puts pressure on, she gives in because its easier… then it’s not heartfelt, which just leads to resentment on both sides. Works out at about once a week, which I know isn’t as often as he would like it to be.
This said, we don’t have massive have ups and downs in our relationship, and all these pent up feelings that I’m reading about. We have genuine, regular, loving sex, with no pressure, no fuss, no issues. We don’t go to extremes, and the sex that we have can be samey, but we both orgasm, because we know what we like, and what works. We try new things once in a while and whilst I am aware that he would like a bit more variation in our sex life, I have to take it slow, but am open to suggestion. He respects this and every day is work in progress. No pressure!
(CANADA) So nice to hear these stories once in a while. Thank you for sharing.
(UNITED STATES) Wow. This is exactly how I feel. Your article really hit home with me. The problem is that I act stupidly sometimes, that why would she want to be intimate with me? I’m in counseling for my own issues, but the more rejection I get, the worse and more verbally abusive I become. I am deeply depressed and resentful. Ever since we had children, it seems that sex is somewhat of a chore or obligation to her. When we do make love many times, I can tell it’s just a sense of duty.
She just told me the other night that she has no desire for me. I can’t blame her. My words are so hurtful. I know I need to change, but how do I get her to realize that more and more sexual rejection is not going to help? She states that until I change, she’s not going to have any passion for me. I understand this completely, but I am good for days, then it becomes too much and I lash out. I need her to come half-way, but that seems to be impossible.
I have reached out some to my priest, started anti-depressants, see a counselor once a week, see a psychiatrist, and we have a date night every Friday! She’s a stay at home mom, and I provide for a nanny for our kids that aren’t in school 2 days a week. She has two full days of no kids when they are all in school. I hire a housecleaner once a week to relieve some load off her. I work like a madman seeing patients all day (I’m a physician), but it seems like we don’t appreciate each other. I know I’m emotionally drained after seeing 40+ patients all day, and by the time I come home, help feed the kids, get them in bed, I’m devoid of much affection. I am working on this one.
Thanks for letting me vent. Not sure where I’ll be in the next few months, but we’re talking divorce. Can’t say I’d want to be married to me either….
Your comment was very honest and I feel for your situation. Did things get any better for you?
A priest is probably a very good person, but not everyone is equipped to help you understand what your real issues are and how to resolve them.
I know the situation seems overwhelming and hopeless, but literally the only thing that needs to change is the perspective you’re both taking. It CAN be done, and when you get there it will seem like the problems you’re had don’t even exist. Marriage counseling can and will do this! The one website and ministry I know of is Battlefield Ministries. You should shoot them an email and even if they can’t help you themselves they’ll surely be able to point you somewhere that will. I know it looks impossible, but once you’re on the other side and have a healthier and more satisfying marriage than you even thought was possible, it will be a miracle to you. DO NOT give up!
A priest? I think if the poster is having issues in the way he has so honestly discussed, then a decent, trained clinical psychologist would be a safer bet.
There has to be an understanding between you and your wife. Think of the sprockets in a clock. If one is rusty the whole clock will be no good, even if you change get the battery. Sadly, men are not into in the dark on how a marriage is supposed to work. However, society with pornography an kinky sex, has dulled this diluted it’s importance to women, making it look like it is just physical intercourse. Sex occurs on all levels, physically, mentally, and spiritually. There is a reason why God said do not deprive your mate conjugal rights. Man’s body does not belong to him but the woman. Woman’s body does not belong to her but the man. Point blank when you go against what was ordained by God, there is some seriously negative implications.
(USA) I need advice….my husband of 19 years and I are separated. I live about 5 miles from him with my parents. We have two boys ages 15 and 13 that are living in the house with him. I go over to the house often, almost everyday, to help him with the chores and laundry. I will clean the bathrooms, mop the kitchen, and cook meals.
The other night he told me that if I did not have sex with him then he would limit me with seeing my children. We would follow the procedures of the divorce papers, which are on hold on the judge’s desk. So he is manipulating me for sex in order to see my boys. I didn’t give in and it turned into a huge fight. Since I’m still legally his wife and helping him with the household chores, am I under obligation to have sex with him??? I feel like my worth and value comes from what is between my legs :(
Ask him if he would really enjoy sex with you on those terms where he is actually blackmailing you and if he would like his kids to know him as that type of man! Tell him you don’t really need an answer and you already know he would only feel love if you give love to him! Then make love to him and tell him you still need to feel his manhood inside you! Tell him how you feel in your heart and that you need to work as a team to make your marriage work and that you know that he has the strength in him to make you feel like his princess again! Save your marriage!
(USA) We’ve been married for over 30 years and for the past 20 my wife has been disabled by chronic pain and fatigue. She is also an alcoholic -the result of her trying to find relief. She is the most beautiful and desirable woman I know but she is not able to respond or drum-up the desire to initiate intimacy. It had been a great battle for me and I’ve found that it is also a tool God uses to sharpen my focus on His heart and priorities.
My advice is that you not waste your forced celibacy by self-centered complaining, anger, resentment, and retaliation -don’t even waste it on trying to “help” your spouse become who you want them to be. Use this fiery ordeal to perfect your heart for and with Christ.
(UK) Excellent article which pretty much sums up how I feel. One thing I can’t help but notice, in an article about a Mans needs, something most Men myself included, is the struggle to talk about, so many comments from Ladies say “What about my needs?” This is an article about a Man’s needs. On just about every occasion in any of my relationships my partners have never had a problem communicating their needs. So ladies, please let us guys half this platform. I’m now going to put my helmet on and stand by for incoming flak.
I’m standing with you Nick.
(USA) I am posting this simply for the sake of expressing what I feel. My wife and I have been married for four years, and at most the frequency of our love making was once or twice a month. The situation has turned into once or twice a year. I truly fear where this is heading.
We dated for ten years before getting married. We were high school sweethearts, and remained abstinent during all that time. Our lives and families are very closely bonded, so divorce is not and will never be an option. We are fiercely loyal and our home life is peaceful. The physical affection is simply absent. My advances, no matter how tender, are always met with unconcerned rejection. I can say with honesty that I carry out all the typical, mundane duties that wives expect from their husbands: I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the bills and daily hassles of modern life, and mitigate those surprise crises that always appear out of the blue. I work 24 hour shifts, and fulfill all these duties in between workdays.
I am mindful of my wife’s emotional well-being, and will give much of my time to ease her burden (she works a full time job). I feel that much of these things that I’ve listed are basics, and so I also try to give her what she needs in other ways: every day I surprise her by leaving a hand made, hand written card in which I express my feelings to her. I pride myself on my poetry :) I do my best to listen to her and provide the best support that I can give.
My struggle comes during those times when my heart is empty, I am lonely, and starved of affection. I often find myself trying to give to her whatever I can pull from the depths of my heart, only to find that the well is dry. When thoughts of sexual intimacy cross my mind, they are accompanied by a feeling I liken to having shards of glass in my heart. I have resolved to accept our situation, and work every day to maintain the courage I need to keep my heart open. It is difficult. It is painful. But I must do this for the sake of Unconditional Love. I must rely on God to fill my heart, not my lovely bride. I pray for each and every one of us. God Bless.
(USA) This article nails it. I’ve been married for 20+ years. We do not have a non-existent sex life, but just not anything near the frequency I desire. I have buried hurt, frustration, anger and resentment; I just did not understand why.
The good news is we are talking about it. That alone has helped tremendously. I do want and expect more frequency, but when turned down with a loving heart, versus being discounted or de-valued as need, or the preemptive, “I’m so tired” comments before bed.
I pray daily for my marriage, family and yes love-life. Some of the angry comments from women really disturbed me. This is an article of how many men feel. It just tells it like it is. This is the first article I’ve seen that does twist the blame back on the husband – the thousands of articles about romancing your wife, helping with chores & children, etc.
Women please understand that we if just wanted live with our best friend, we’d get a roommate. If I was trapped in a relationship with a woman that was unresponsive to my needs and after counseling, it would be over. Please note if there were TRUE medical reasons for a lack of intimacy it is another story.
(US) I am overwelmed to see that there are other men facing what I am facing. I struggle with this and have been struggling for years. My wife and I had met in the military way back when, and got married. We went to Germany where she only worked for a year. She got pregnant and stopped working and we were struggling to pay bills and to be able to buy pampers, and milk. So I stopped all funds on everything that I could to make sure I could take care of us… this included her tithes. She was upset about this but I was raised to believe that God knows your heart and I wasn’t out partying or drinking. I used every bit of money I had to take care of my family and my responsibilities. I truly regret this now because this was the cornerstone of everything thats wrong with our marriage.
Well anyway, to get back at me, she decided to take some important things from me… sex, affection and communication. This hurt us dearly and I begged her for years to stop doing this. Eventually after I sent her home from Europe, I fell. I had been overwhelmed by the lack of affection and connection to a woman in my life. Well, eventually she found out and then she used that against me of course. She knew the biggest thing to kill me with was the lack of affection because I used to be a very affectionate person.
Well we never got back right… we are like roommates… but we are good parents. She does not work nor drive. I do everything. You would think that at the very least I could get the bare minimum of what a good husband is supposed to get. I take care of my family very well. I have been a good father… but inside it feels like I am dying from a lack of love and affection in my life. I have made the mistake of going out there to get what I wasn’t getting at home several times. But that seems to be the only way that I will get any affection in my life. I am tired of getting rejected and begging for what should be natural in a relationship.
I don’t want to do wrong but every time I attempt to talk to her about anything she shuts communication down. It seems as though she has no desire to make things better. We have 3 children, one of which is autistic. I love her and I love my children and I don’t want to leave… But I hurt almost everyday and it even affects me at work sometimes. What am I supposed to do to get through this and through to her if she never wants to talk???
Lastly we cant talk about why things are the way they are because she refuses to accept anything other than the fact that I am a man and men are dogs and cheats. I know when I did go out there that I was wrong. I have admitted that. But when I try to explain to her “WHY” it happened, she refuses to hear my plea for intimacy and says I am still making excuses and justifying what I did. She takes no blame in what’s wrong with us; it’s all my fault. When I try to talk to her, which is mostly at night after the kids go to bed because we don’t talk about these things in front of them, she claims tiredness and sleepiness although I am the one that is working out of the house, sometimes even 2 jobs to help us survive. She has fallen asleep on me hundreds and I do mean hundreds of times when I am pouring my heart out to her about how I want to fix things and make things better. I can’t tell you how many nights I have sat up in the bed looking up to GOD, crying while she snored.
If it wasn’t for my oldest son, I’d move into the basement. That way I can’t desire her if I am not laying next to her. We have a king size bed and she lays all the way to the side about to fall off and I am on the other side wondering what happened to my life. There is a football field bewteen us. I turn 47 years old in 11 days… I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to die like this. I am lost… please help.
(USA) I am so sorry you have had to live this way so long. From a strictly female point of view, I have to say that your wife has had issues since the beginning of the marriage. Not paying tithes is not going to make God think of a person as less valuable. There is a saying that God helps those who help themselves, and that is what you were trying to do. No matter how you feel about that, you did what needed to be done at the time.
I think that withholding all intimacy with you was extreme and vindictive, which are not Christian traits at all. God would not want someone to punish another like that, and for the rest of your life? God says to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Would he want you to be vindictive back? The Bible teaches forgiveness. Besides, the saying “he who is without sin cast the first stone” comes to mind. She punished you for a perceived sin of not tithing by hurting you mentally for all these years and added to it when you looked for any kind of affection elsewhere. This is not just a “venting” or expression of her disapproval of your earlier decisions in the marriage. This is a battleground. Personally, I think she is responsible for the state of your marriage, not because of the lack of sex, but because she deliberately forced you apart when you should be part of the same whole.
It was not right of you to go outside the marriage because of loneliness, but I can understand why you did it. Your situation is different than some of the posters here, in that it is not that your wife doesn’t want sex anymore, she just has shut you out of her life except as an acquaintance who shares a house. From what you say, she won’t even talk about it with you. It appears that she has no desire to make things better at home. I don’t know that you can change that unless she opens her eyes and sees what she has done. Honestly, after all these years, I am not sure she cares enough to look.
I wish I could give you an answer about what to do, but I can’t recommend anything except to leave. I know that many view that as unacceptable, but I believe that God sees and forgives many things and he does want us to be happy. Your marriage vows should have meant something to both of you, but it seems this is a very one-sided relationship you have now. You will destroy your own sense of self if you continue to take on all the work, all the responsibility and don’t even have her as a friend and supporter. Let me ask you this. If she actually consented to giving you sex on a regular basis, but still gave you the cold shoulder as she has for the past many years, would you get what you needed? I don’t think this is about physical intimacy with you and your wife.
I am sure that you love her, but does she love you, in any way, at all? As a friend? A father of her children? A husband? If any of those were true, you might be able to work with that and build on it, but from what you have said, she has no affection for you at all.
I wish you all the best, because your situation is not a question of whether or not your wife wants sex with you, or whether or not she is enthusiastic enough about it, or whether she no longer enjoys it. Your problem is so much deeper.
(USA) I have been married 23 years to a wonderful man. I have 4 children and 1 grandchild. Over the last 8 years or so, I have lost all interest in sex. This is not due to me not loving him. I still absolutely do love him. We hold hands in public and private, go to dinners out, and go dancing at least a couple times a month. He is my best friend in the world, as well. I am, however, in pre-menopause, although the doctors can’t confirm that yet. There are some things I just have to say, because I think that men have said the same things so long they actually believe it. First, men want sex because they have a physical desire, no matter what they say. They don’t have sex to feel close to or attached to someone. If that was they case, no one would have one night stands or pick up a girl at a bar. Men have sex before marriage, and they would have it again after divorce.
Men have needs, and women do, too. However, when do the women’s needs ever get met? I need to have time to have a friend who doesn’t call me mommy or honey. I need to have time to join the community choir because I love to sing. I need to just have time to be me, without worrying about anyone else. While my family (hubby included) want to give me those things, something always comes up that needs my attention. At this stage in life, I often need to NOT have sex. I don’t enjoy it any more. It was never really that important to me, anyway. And before anyone suggests he is a bad lover, he isn’t. He thinks of me first, asks me what I want, and tries to please me before himself. Trouble is, I just don’t want it. Even during my pleasure, I just keep thinking it will be over soon. As one woman said, it feels like I am expected to love it and have sex often, and should be an eager participant. So, I am supposed to lie and act like I want it? He feels rejected and unloved because I don’t want to have sex, and I feel used and unloved because he insists on me doing something I don’t want to do, and I have to convince him it is the first thing on my mind? Does anyone see the irony here? Both parties end up feeling unloved.
Men, if you need to have sex and your partner is willing to accommodate you, understand that that IS loving you, if she would rather be sleeping or taking a bubble bath. She isn’t rejecting you. She doesn’t have the drive or need for sex you do, but she is willing to still give you the sex you need. She can’t make herself act like a cheerleader about it. The man’s desire for her to be enthusiastic is to boost his ego and make him feel like King Kong. It isn’t because he feels that intimacy equals love. She understands your need to have the physical part of the relationship and tries to meet that need as best she can.
If men understood us better, they would know we want to share time with them. We don’t care if it is holding hands for a walk, dancing the night away, or laughing at a comedy on TV. We don’t equate this with physical intimacy. Some of us want to spend the rest of our lives with our men, raising our kids and grandkids, watching the sun set, traveling around the world and just being together. We don’t need to have sex to feel loved, and we can’t make ourselves change that for you.
I will give you an analogy that might help. I see physical intimacy like a roller coaster at your favorite amusement park. You stand in line for 30 minutes, take a short trip to the top of the coaster, then have a few seconds of thrill before it is all over. It is fun to do once in a while, but I would not want to do it all the time.
I guess, the main point I am making is that women cannot change how they feel about the physical act at any given time. If we try to provide for our men the best we can, how is that different from the postings of the men above that say they try to meet their family’s needs as best they can? And if she is willing to provide for you because she does love you, and you throw it back at her because she isn’t enthusiastic enough about it, then she feels bad about something she cannot change. I hope that both parties can read this and understand what I am trying to get across. Try to understand her as you expect her to understand you.
The only thing that could be worse is if this woman professed to be a servant of Christ. God pity you.
Hey J from the United States, remember Matthew 7:1-3. Judge not lest ye be not judged. This woman is sharing her perspective. You have no authority to judge or act holier than her. Take that log out of your eye. God bless us all.
If we are to use the Bible as our guide then I would ask that we consider Corinthians 7:4.
Do you not see that when you say “Sex was never that important to me” and knowing how very important it is to him, you are communicating how little you care about what is critically important to him? Please know how bad this kind of rejection hurts a man. I have lived with it all of my life, and have tried to ignore the pain that it causes. Your statements make it clear that you believe you know much more about how men feel than men do.
You had better go look at your marriage vows. Sex was part of the deal. What if your husband decides he doesn’t want to support you anymore? What’s the difference?
(USA) Mischelle40 – you may be a grandmother now with some life experience but apparently that doesn’t translate into someone qualified to provide sage advice. It is posts like these that get the blood boiling of any decent man who is struggling mightily on a daily basis with a failing marriage. Just read the posts right above yours –don’t you see the obvious pain these men are in? Who are you, as a woman, to make the following statement as if it’s a fact, when you have not lived one day on this earth as a man:
“Men want sex because they have a physical desire, no matter what they say. They don’t have sex to feel close to or attached to someone. If that was the case, no one would have one night stands or pick up a girl at a bar. Men have sex before marriage, and they would have it again after divorce.”
Not only is the first statement patently false, and you outwardly dismiss any suggestion that it’s true despite empirical evidence to the contrary, the reasoning you provide makes absolutely no sense relative to sex in a long term committed relationship. Do I even need to explain that last point to you?
I think your choice of the word desire over need is telling all in itself. Make no mistake, it is a need. You’ve heard the argument, “it’s not a need, if you don’t get it, you won’t die from it”. What a ridiculous argument to equate life or death with trying to have a successful marriage, both physically and emotionally. Doesn’t the same apply to anything that you consider crucial to being emotionally fulfilled by your husband? Do you consider dancing together, holding hands in public, and talking to and listening to you crucial to your feelings for him? Aren’t they your needs to still feel close to him and make you love him? WELL THAT’S WHAT SEX IS FOR HIM TO TRULY FEEL CLOSE TO YOU. Read that again, and then after that, read it again.
The next most telling statement in your whining about how everyone wants and needs a piece of you and you need your own time – “It was never really that important to me, anyway”. Well then, we can stop right there. If it was never important to you at any stage of your marriage, then how can any of us readers expect you to understand how important it is to your husband? You can’t, and you don’t, because I’m sorry to say this, you don’t seem perceptive enough to understand how this affects your husband given the faulty reasoning and dismissiveness of an opinion contrary to your own.
So he’s not a selfish lover, and even when you’re feeling pleasure you want it to be over, and it’s just a sacrifice you’re making for him. Wonderful. Perhaps he should start expressing that all the things that you do together, yes they’re kind of pleasurable, but I’d rather be doing something else but I do them just for you. What would you say? You’d be offended and say don’t do them with me if you feel that way.
You then go on to make a valid point about not being able to manufacture desire when it’s not there, but follow it up with “She understands your need to have the physical part of the relationship and tries to meet that need as best she can”. Now it’s a need, not just a physical release to get from anyone else at any time? Get your story straight, which is it to a man? You then go on to dismiss the notion that intimacy equals love. Let me tell you how this man views it: intimacy is the expression of love to a man, and without it, the love withers barring exceptional circumstances like serious health issues.
Regarding your last points, men DO understand you want to spend time with us. Do all the things that YOU consider important, but what you’re saying is to NOT do the things that he considers important. Let me give you some advice –do not try to manufacture enthusiasm for it, and lose the dismissive attitude about what this all means to him because I’ll tell you, he knows and feels that. Do this, look your husband in the eye and tell him that you truly understand how important this is to him, and that you love him, and will do things with him not because you have to but because you want to because you love him. It doesn’t always have to be penetrative sex, but other things that I don’t need to spell out that will make him feel that you truly care to still meet his needs.
(CANADA) Rob, Very well put. I highly respect your response.
Everyone else, sex is very very tricky for many women. It’s so difficult to continually accept the fine line between the emotional element and the physical one. Giving up yourself (myself, I will speak for myself) completely and fully, physically, to a man, requires initially, not much, but as time goes on, and the reality of the physicality of sex for men grows, and we grow to resent that. We resent that you can get turned on by images of other women. Just as you have a need for physical intimacy, we have a searing, but a searing need to feel that we are the only one. Both are realities and both fuel the fire of resentment when left unchecked. How to keep them in check, I am still learning.
(USA) Thanks Bridg, I appreciate that. Your comment is interesting. If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying despite understanding what it means to him, the fact that he can react to other women visually makes you doubt the emotional component and sometimes think like the post I initially responded to – “men are pigs, they just want to get off”?
Hmmm. I can understand the vulnerability of that and can’t object to how you feel about it -because that’s just how you feel about it. I do have something to add though: From my perspective, I tend to not respond or react much less to other women, or even the thought of other women, if I’m in a good relationship and am sexually and emotionally satisfied.
See, to me, it’s another example of that vicious circle of bad behavior that kills a relationship. Woman pulls back sexually, man gets hurt and withdraws emotionally or lashes out, causes woman to pull back more… and it doesn’t matter who started it, it could just as likely start with the guy.
If you’re keeping your man happy and he still ogles and makes comments about other women, then he’s not a very good guy because he’s insensitive and doesn’t appreciate what he’s got. But if this has the chance of being misplaced doubt that you put in your head, coupled with condemning men for being more easily visually stimulated, then you’re unwittingly feeding the behavior that you despise.
(CANADA) The answer to your first question is ABSOLUTELY. My man is pretty average. He is easily aroused at the thought or site of certain types of women. Don’t get me wrong, he hates it, but it’s a biological thing and I don’t think it’s easy for men to turn off. It just IS. I am also pretty average. I love my man. I love my man absolutely. I never lust after other men. I never get aroused at the thought of other men. I don’t think men can really get that. (Maybe you can, but I’ve discussed it with several men and they don’t get it) I keep my man happy, he keeps me happy…other than being very easily excited by other attractive women, and unfortunately being mildly autistic and not able to contain it. He’s a good guy, he’s just an average man. I contemplated deleting that, but I won’t, because I don’t have any intellectual problem with men finding women attractive. But, as an average woman, it eats away at our self esteem.
Hi Bridge, I think that I am a normal kind of guy with a very healthy sex drive, and just as site oriented as any; but I don’t typically get aroused by looking at attractive women. That would take quite a bit of mental work for me. Not to mention the energy that I would have to invest in losing my focus, looking past images of my wife and overriding my conscience. That’s a scenario (in my opinion) that excludes a lot of us and probably involves those of us (men) that are sexually deprived or (to the opposite extreme) love “the lust of the eyes”. .