Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
I feel for the men who are hurting here… and at the same time, their stories just make me feel worse about my own circumstances. Because believe it or not, there are women out here who are feeling the exact same rejection, loneliness, and frustration as you.
From the time we are little girls, we are programmed to understand that men want sex… men NEED sex… men will constantly be chasing us for it. And that proves to be true, through our youth and into early adulthood. We see very mediocre-looking women who complain that their husbands are after them constantly. And then we look in the mirror and sigh, trying to figure out what it is that’s wrong with us. It’s DEVASTATING to a woman’s self esteem, no matter how beautiful she may be, no matter how many other men may look at her or flirt with her, to be unwanted by the man she loves.
I have been dealing with my husband’s sudden and dramatic “change” since halfway through our nearly 20-year marriage. We went from a healthy, vibrant, satisfying sex life to complete dysfunction literally overnight. For years I could not get him to articulate why. Finally, about a year ago, we learned that his testosterone levels were nearly nonexistent. He has had hormone therapy on and off with mixed results. Honestly, he doesn’t seem interested enough in keeping up with it to reap any consistent benefit. At this point, I’ve been transformed from an extremely sexual woman who used to eagerly initiate intimacy into an almost entirely sexless neuter. I think that as a defense mechanism, my body has just shut down. And yet, my mind and my heart still yearn for that closeness, that affirmation. My self esteem is in the toilet.
I wish I could shake some sense into these women and let them know how fortunate they are to have loving husbands who desire and need them.
Persephone, I wish you could also. In our 25th year of marriage my wife filed for divorce on Dec. 3rd. We are all in the same house and our teenage daughters are the biggest losers. She will take half my military retainer pay for the rest of her life and walk away with a sizeable sum that I was criticized for saving through our marriage. I pray that God will change her heart but currently I am searching for a place to live alone again. I hope this 50 year old woman finds what she is looking for. Nothing but forgiveness and compassion. Please pray for her and our children. The children have seen her shun me for years. I pray they will not repeat that in their lives. In Jesus name.
Persephone, I’ve sure wanted to shake quite a few women too, trying to shake some sense into them. I’ve been on the other side of not wanting to be pursued by my husband because of past sexual abuse and my own stuff. But eventually God woke me up, showed me I needed to and then helped me to work on my issues. And now, on the other side of it, as I look back, I realize how short-sighted I was. I made my husband another victim of the men who had abused me. That wasn’t fair to him either. But thank God I get it now. And life together is good on this side of our sexual struggles.
I’ve taught several sex classes to married women and it’s so wonderful to see many of these women “get it” and eventually respond to their husbands. Sometimes there has needed to be an emptying out of selfishness on the wife’s part, and/or the husband’s part. Sometimes there are abuse issues that need to be worked on, and sometimes it’s just a matter or making these gals aware of both sides so they could work with their husbands to grow in their intimacy with each other in less selfish and/or wiser ways.
Some wives will never “get it” just as some husbands won’t and the dysfunction continues. But my heart goes out to you to want more and yet so far it’s not happening. All I can say is please don’t give up hope that eventually things will take a better turn. Now is not forever. Please guard your heart because you could get into a vulnerable place some day. I encourage you to continually ask God to help you to best deal with this and whenever you can, try to encourage other women (as you have here) to appreciate what they have. I know of several widows (and a few whose husbands have divorced them) who sure would like to go back and have their husbands chasing them sexually. They didn’t appreciate what they had until their spouse was gone.
I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
Persephone, I relate fully with what you are talking about. I’m a beautiful woman with a great shape. I hear that all the time and get advances from men but my husband doesn’t desire me. I’m dying slowly and my marriage is just 3 yrs. Terribly sad and angry most of the time.
This article just turned on the light. I have for years felt there was something wrong with me. My first marriage split up because I was, in my opinion, not getting the attention or affection that I needed, which was only really achieved through sex. I left this marriage feeling extremely guilty but couldn’t stay there any longer with numerous arguments in front of the kids and a nervous breakdown, all because of the lack of a physical relationship.
I then met a fantastic woman who I have now been with for 18 years. She is everything to me. But over the last five years our sex life has gone seriously downhill resulting in all the old feelings of hurt, rejection, and mistrust returning. Over the last month this has been a serious situation with me, again getting closer to the edge and although I know she still has strong feelings and love for me, the continual battle over having sex has caused serious problems between us.
I read this article and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All of a sudden I was allowed to feel the way I did if she said, NO. I wasn’t weird; it was just human nature and the way us men are made. I emailed the article to my wife and waited for the reaction, not knowing what to expect. What I got was “oh my God I didn’t realize.” We talked, yes talked, not argued for the first time about sex in a long time and all the pressure that existed on both of us was lifted. I don’t expect that there will be a dramatic improvement, however, there doesn’t need to be. I totally accept that she isn’t going to be in the mood all the time but she now understands what sex means to me and how important it is and knows that because of this we will both work together to make it right. Thank you. I believe your article saved a marriage.
THANK YOU Mike, for sharing this with us. It means so much to us to be able to rejoice with you and your wife over this. Sometimes we get so tired and even disheartened because this is such a tough ministry. Every year there are SO many heart-breaking stories that we hear! It’s nice to hear that sometimes the work that is put forth makes a positive difference. You have blessed us by sharing with us what you did.
My husband Steve and I struggled for years sexually, as well, until we learned what you did –that we’re both different and different is okay. It just means that we need to be aware of our differences, honor them, and work to continually bridge them as marital partners. And now… I can’t even start to tell you how much closer we are and how we are so intimately attracted to one another, even after almost 42 years of marriage. Thanks again Mike. I pray that this is only the start of something very, very good for you and your wife. Be blessed!
I did not expect an article of this subject or quality to come from a Christian-centric website. Moreover, I did not expect to be moved to tears from the realizations I experienced from reading this page. Thank you, whomever wrote this article. Thank you for putting into words what I feel.
I loved the article! Unfortunately it’s the opposite in our home and I’m at a loss of what to do. We are both in our 50’s and have not had sex in over 4 years… his choice, not mine.
Hi Robin… Yes, that happens in many marriages –more than most people realize. It happens that for the both of you, this is one of those “adjustment times” when the husband and wife need to come together and talk… seriously talk. Marriage isn’t about just one person being satisfied but both. And when things are off-balance in some way (like it is in your intimate relationship), it’s time to bridge the subject at a safe time and in a way that is safe for both of you… not throwing around accusations or ultimatums, but talking and listening, and listening and talking to work to bridge the differences that come up in marriage.
Something is going on here if you want to make love and he will allow 4 years to go without making love to you. That’s not right. Please go back into the “Sexual Issues” topic on this web site and look through the articles, prayerfully reading what the Lord shows you (to better approach this matter). There is a corresponding article on the subject of when the husband doesn’t want to make love, and others. You might also go into the “Communication and Conflict” topic to read and figure out with the Lord on how to best talk about this with your husband. This just isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. There isn’t mutual agreement going on here so something needs to be done. This is too far off balance. I hope that you are able to gain insight to find a way to enjoy intimacy with your husband again.
Hi Cindy. Your advice to Robin was excellent and well presented. Good for you. I’ve been round and round on this topic. We’re not at the four-year mark yet, but I can see it coming. For some reason, my beloved just has lost her sex drive. We’ve talked about it and it gets better for a brief period, but it always ends up back at the same place.
As a bi-vocational pastor, I had a recent three-week business trip that took me across the country. She had agreed to come with me but at the last moment backed out. Upon my return she was distant and informed me that we were now “mentally disconnected”. We had talked and texted every day, morning noon and night. What did we have before I left that took only three weeks to lose? I have a Masters’ degree in counseling so I understand that women have different switches that have to be set before they turn on but I’m absolutely stumped at this. Nothing works! While away I bought her a beautiful pendant and earring set that she had no problem accepting. I guess the “jewelry connection” is still fully operational. I’m considering moving to another bedroom. It’s less lonely when you’re actually alone than when you’re laying beside someone who puts up one wall after another.
I’d appreciate comments from any and all… Thank you and God Bless.
I see what you are saying here but my biggest problem is I am to “wow” him. I’m more than willing to have sex I just don’t know how to be more (like crazy/wild). I feel like that is what he’s asking. I just don’t understand what is wrong. He says it’s the same old thing – how do you spice it up?!
I no longer have any interest in sex, it was about 40 years ago when I lost all interest. Now my husband helped in this change in me. We were married 47 years ago coming up on 48 and most would think we would have grand kids, retired, and happy with life. None of that ever happened. I was told by my husband that there would be no kids, that they were only good for being drugies and sucking money out of the parents, so kids never happened.
He never wanted sex or intimacy he thought it was dumb and a waste of sleep time. He told me if I was interested in sex, love and all that he was moving to the basement. Needless to say a huge argument started and all he said was shut up, leave me alone and don’t bother me. He moved to the basement on the day after we were married. Now 47 years later things are still the same, I gave up and lost interest with sex. Ya know when you only had something once and never again you lose it forever.
I should have left years ago, but I was stupid dumb and probably a million other things that could be said, I thought I could fix any thing. I learned one thing don’t ever try and change another’s mind they are who they are.
Wow, Amy. I guess I have nothing to complain about. I cannot imagine the loneliness you suffered. How were you able to stick with it for all those years? Had you ever discussed children before you were wed? How long did you date before marriage? Is he in the basement to this day?
We never talked about children before we were married, in fact we never talked about sex before we were married. Things were different back in the 60’s, sex was a bad word and things were not open like today. We dated for 2 years before we got married and dating was holding hands and a kiss. Maybe we were too young or maybe we were meant to be good friends and housemates.
No, he doesn’t live in the basement anymore, he built a big garage with an attached apartment out in the back corner of our two acres we own.
For me its been a horrible life. I have to blame my husband and then myself. We haven’t really any money now that he built his new garage. Here we are much older now and have a new morgage. I should have left years ago but like I said before I was the smartie; I could fix anything. I really should have sucked up my attitude and pride and asked for help. I thought things would get better, it never happened.
I’ve had a hysterectomy now and have no desire in anything. I see a shrink weekly and take anti-depressants. One day it will end for me.
I know I am late but thank you so much for this. It really made me feel like I am not alone. “Some” women make husbands feel like child predators because we think like this.
Leon, you are NOT alone, for sure. It’s such a misunderstanding between men and women. If only we would work together WITH our differences, instead of judging each other, thinking “because this doesn’t make sense to me, it can’t be.” It CAN be, and most often is. Women need to honor men and men need to honor women in the way we approach making love. Our differences are not wrong, just different. If only we would get this… if only….
Thankfully, some men and women ARE getting it. I didn’t understand this for many, many years. And when God finally got through to me, what a difference it has made in our marriage –for both my husband AND me. The judging has stopped, and the blessings keep coming as we are learning to love each other in ways that we can best give and receive it. There IS hope… I know of others who eventually get it too. Keep praying and looking to God to help you in the ways that are most needed. May He bless you as you do.
I am a woman and this is how I feel in regards to my boyfriend who rejects it/wants it less often than me. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about being sexually wanted and desired. That Intimacy lacking makes me feel self cautious and lonely.
This article has truly hit the nail on the head for me, providing description for so much of the pain I’ve been experiencing. I married the woman of my dreams, and I do mean that literally. I fell in love with her when I first met her at 11 years old. We were good friends, went to school together, as well as church and youth group. In fact, she was the initial reason I started going to church; thus to this day I attribute her with introducing me to God.
After high school, I went off to the Marine Corps, and we lost touch for a time. I thought of her often, and when she contacted me out of the blue one day, I knew I had to tell her how I had felt for so long. I learned she desired me, as well. I was about to deploy to Iraq, and very shortly after we reconnected, we began a very loving and passionate relationship. I had never experienced anything so powerful, intense, and just plain meant to be as her love. I became truly complete, and the man I wanted to be when she and I were bound as one.
I was injured in Iraq, and was eventually medically separated from my beloved corps after a few amazing years with her, and I was devastated. My injuries changed everything about me, and not for the better. Sex along with most other things became an impossibility most of the time, and that took a massive toll. For years we made love every day we could, usually multiple times, and I truly felt I was more than just a man, and I know it had the same effect for her. When I came home damaged, she devoted herself to caring for her husband in such a beautiful way as could never be described with any other words but the purest form of love.
I was far from a pleasant individual to be around; I had no idea what to do without the Marine corps, and I didn’t want to know. I had lost who I was, at least in my mind. The emotional damage this caused was worse than all my injuries, which were sever. I detached. I morphed into those horrible things I had prided myself for being the opposite of. I became impatient, moody, self pitying, and adapted many other undesirable traits. Years of this, and she never stopped pouring her love and compassion into me.
Eventually, these things did take their toll, and we began to hold each other in contempt; she because of the obvious selfish monster I had become, and I because I held everything and everyone in contempt, because it was easier to project my pain outwards, as opposed to addressing it inside my heart, and growing from it. I was abusing my meds, because killing all emotion possible felt like the only way I could face yet another hour of pain and emptiness. This obviously had tremendously horrible affect on our once seemingly story book perfect marriage.
Amazingly, she didn’t give up, in fact, she fought with such ferocity for us that the me I had buried deep down under so much discontent started trying to break free of the pain and emptiness. I began the painful journey to recovery, one I’m still on and suspect I will be till my last moment. I stopped taking the meds, and started talking and more importantly listening again. We have made leaps and bounds, and though I am admittedly far from God, he is thanked daily with tears in my heart many times a day for blessing me with this amazing woman.
We are getting better daily, but the intimacy is certainly lacking. I am not angry with her in any way about this, I know it was my doing, and that knowledge hurts far more than the rejection. She isn’t by any means cruel about it, and she truly does try hard to provide the intimacy I long for so much, but things simply aren’t where they need to be yet. I don’t beg for sex, though for a while I had been persistent, and this stressed her. She told me she simply no longer feels like a sexual person, which was initially and for a long time impossible for me to understand, given the amount of passion and desire that had defined us as a couple for so long.
Admittedly, I was forever changed by my ordeal (as was she), and was incapable of putting myself in her perspective, which caused more strain, and broke down or already suffering communication to the point that we may as well spoke different languages. I set out to change that, and over time I learned again to put her and her feelings first. Of course, I still mess that up from time to time, but I am getting better.
As this article and the following comments make so poignantly clear, sex is an incredibly important part of a healthy relationship, especially for the healing of one. As so many others have expressed, I don’t simply desire the physical gratification and pleasure, that is but of little importance by comparison to what I really seek from sex. I need to feel desired, to have her love for me affirmed, I need her to feel my devotion and love for her in the most intimate setting; naked and unashamed, pure and total. I need this thing that confirms our oneness and makes us whole again.
Sex was finally reintroduced in our relationship, though very slowly and not always comfortably. It’s becoming slightly more frequent, and we do experience amazing love making, but not always. She says no quite often, and that does hurt so deep and on so many levels, but the pain of that hardly compares to when she simply does it out of a sense of duty. My heart shatters in those moments, and the pain of it is long lasting. I killed her libido, and effectively slew a very important part of us.
I want nothing more in life than to see her happy, and to be the cause of that happiness. How can I help my wife to find the passion she once had? If she approached me and initiated our coming together as one in the bedroom, the joy and elation I would feel would be indescribable; how do we find this missing corner piece to the very complicated puzzle that has become our marriage after enduring so much pain? There is nothing I would not do for my love, I just need some guidance. Our recovery has been a long and hard one, but we have come through the fire scarred but strong. This to my knowledge is the last bit of salve needed to heal our wounds. I talk to her frequently about what she needs, probably too frequently, but again, I want, I NEED my wife, my queen to be happy, to feel loved entirely and to know that her needs are my purpose. How do I do this?
CH, WOW! What a powerful story and you presented it so eloquently. I wish more returning “wounded warriors” who deal with the same – or worse – could read this. You already know this, but your wife is such a blessing. No doubt you’re aware that many women in her position with their husbands going through the same circumstances more often than not, bale on them and their marriage.
You have been given a great gift of being able to self-analyze your situations and it seems that you are very honest with yourself and your wife. That is probably why she has hung on and been willing to sacrifice so much for you – because she believes you really do want to find genuine solutions for your problems and you’re not just trying to “snow” her.
I can’t pretend to understand the dynamics of your situation. But as a retired Fire Department Chaplain I do have some understanding of the ramifications of post-traumatic stress disorder. In your post you didn’t say if you have been seeing a counselor to help you (and your wife) with the psychological aspects of your traumatic injuries. If you aren’t, I’d like to encourage you and your wife to pray together about the “possibility” of taking that next step in the healing process. I’m not saying you need it; but I am saying that you should be open to God’s leading insofar as what the next step is for you.
It’s very possible that your wife may not have been able to deal with all of her post-traumatic stress in ministering to you and your needs.
As for your physical limitations and your desire to re-engage in sexual activity with your wife, I need to ask if you have seen a Urologist? I know they see men every day who struggle with impotence and there are treatments that can be very successful for many of them.
I know it seems like I am just throwing darts at a dart board and I’m hoping something will stick that can help you. But I know there are answers for you and your wife and I pray that more than anything else you are connected spiritually through Christ and will continue to cling to Him as you work through everything. If you feel like you’re stuck and need someone to talk with I suggest you call Focus On The Family as they have counselors who will talk and pray with you (and your wife) and if needed, they can even make a referral for you to find a good counselor near to where you live. Their number is 1-800-A-FAMILY.
CH, I have such big respect for you and your wife and am grateful you found our web site and hope it has helped in some small way. Blessings! – Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International.
My husband is frustrated with me again and again. Still. I am hurting him deeply, but it is not intentional. I am now pouring over articles, etc. to better understand what I’ve done to him. I am sick about it. We’ve been married 22 years and do love each other. MY problem is that I haven’t had an orgasm in at least 20 years. I tell doctors. They are baffled. My husband tries relentlessly to give me the same enjoyment he experiences. He wants that for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m missing- but it doesn’t bother me. Wow- does it bother him. Now I understand better how he feels defeated and hurts his masculinity. We still make love (2-3 times a week) because I know it is important to him. Obviously I have something wrong with me. Yes, we’ve tried “toys” etc. I almost don’t know what it feels like to get aroused. It stinks.
This article hits it on the head. I want to change but don’t know how. I truly pray for a miracle. I’ve been to counseling but he’s not jazzed about the idea of going together, when I bring it up.
Why so much emphasis on males? You know, females have problems with their husbands not wanting sex as well.
There are plenty of online articles about men not wanting sex. It could be pretentious of me but my feeling is that there are more articles about men not getting enough sex because the sex-drive-bias is make orientated. I also get the impression from reading this and other articles that my women cope without sex in the short to medium term whereas men don’t cope very well, which is one of the things that this article is saying.
So why argue about this? It’s obvious that sex will not only improve your husband’s life in every area of his life, but most importantly, his overall interactions with his wife. After all, God made woman for man, not the other way around. Ever heard of the saying “Behind every married man, there is a strong woman?” So even though your married man is the focus point of this article, you cannot exclude the importance of the wife, because she is an asset to making his life “go”.
Listen ladies, God knew what he was doing when he created man first, then woman second. It’s noteworthy to not discount this equation, and the results. Changing it can be a devastating blow. With that being said, I am not just talking about sex.
I think that it’s our most important need, next to being respected. This comes without merit to our actions. Is he being appreciated in another area? Have you asked him? Ladies, Self Help books contain a wealth of knowledge concerning the behavior of people, but it’s not the only source. Don’t get me wrong, I thank God for impressing on someone’s heart to write books to help people interact. But closed mouths don’t get fed. Wives, and husbands alike, just ask. Don’t assume.
I cannot comment on your second response, except to read what I wrote in response to someone else’s post. To answer your question, this is supposed to be a male driven society. Men are out front. However the paradigm has shifted to where women want to be seen more and not just heard. This is fine. However, competition comes affixed to it. By nature, men are not competitive in this aspect, at least from my point. Again, if You fellas agree you can attest to this. We only compete with other men. This is only reduced to a sport or a common interest among men.
Women, this is not to discount you, we are not competitive towards you naturally, so don’t try to drive us that way. Hence for the emphasis. Somehow, I believe that added to the scuffle of the first sin mankind committed, had a little competition in it.
Married for 34 years im feeling its all about to end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do you feel that way John?
John probably doesn’t get enough sex. It has probably been reduced to a physical need, which is not John’s fault. He is very much in tune with what he needs. If this is not the issue, then he must not be heard in another area of his needs. I can only speak for myself, other men you can attest to this, but I’m not picky. But women, you can’t pick and choose what needs of your husband you will fulfill. We certainly would not do that to you. At least I can speak for myself. Fellas, again you can attest to this. I really do not think I am wrong either.
So interesting, it’s what every woman should know. God bless this ministry.
Most men just need to grow up and stop thinking that sex is the end all/be all. God’s first comment was that it is not good for man to be alone. Man/mankind was made for companionship first. In order 1. man leave parents 2. man CLEAVE to his wife -the word cleave is to be loyal, to stick together, to be a team like glue, and then lastly, 3. to be one flesh. And ‘one flesh’ has emotional, spiritual and physical meaning, not just sex. We live in a sex crazed society and a man puts sex as number one, he has created an idol. If he masturbates, he’s making himself an idol. What wife would want to have sex with such a man???
This is just more media propaganda to try and make people (both married and single) to bow down and worship ‘sex’.
Dan, Sounds like you’re in your 50’s and have no testosterone left in your body. I’m serious… that was not to put you down. Men start having less and less testosterone after the age of 25. Some men need to grow up but for others who are grown up and respect woman and their wife such as myself need to have sex, or an emotional attachment is necessary for us.
I love this article; it’s so true. I’ve always had a high sex drive, doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on my wife, just means sex is a very important topic in my marriage. Just as honesty, trust and commitment are. This is how I found this site. I’m in my late 30’s and go to the gym and exercise regularly. Please don’t judge those who have high testosterone naturally and who require a woman who desires them and wants them 2-3 times a week whether it be love making or just plain sex. -CK
Yes, to cleave unto the wife, it’s an emotional, physical and spiritual thing. What if the wife denies the physical part. That damages or eliminates the emotional part and damages the spiritual part. I can hire a housekeeper to sweep the floors and do laundry, I can hire someone to cook. A nanny for the kids. The only thing that I’m supposed to get from my wife, and no other, is an emotional and sexual relationship.
“And ‘one flesh’ has emotional, spiritual AND physical meaning, not just sex.” Correct, but notice it’s AND not OR. That means, logically, all components (emotional, spiritual and physical) should be present. Failing which, it is an incomplete union. The images of sexuality present in the media is certainly destructive, but is irrelevant to the importance of sex in marriage.
Really! Because if a man masturbates he’s an idiot? Maybe your the idiot; some of us get rejected by our lover that we are supposed to stand beside. So instead of cheating we MASTURBATE, IDIOT!!! It’s this kind of thinking that makes me wonder why we’re even alive in this society… Some people, I swear.
But sex is part of a marriage and shouldn’t be used as a rewards system.