Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
This article is about me and my wife it seems. She has time for everyone in the world except for me. Our sexual relationship is limited to an hour a week if I’m lucky and the grand children don’t need a sitter. She’ll leave me sitting like a hot rock to help someone else. It’s the hardest thing in the world for me as I travel for business extensively and when I’m in a restaurant or an airport and another woman tries to chat me up, it’s hard to resist if she seems interested in what I think and actually wants to participate in a conversation.
When I try to talk about our relationship, she gets defensive and wants to argue, it’s a never ending cycle. She’ll talk about the kids or what happened at work, the in-laws but there’s no discussion about us. We’re nearing 50 but I still have dreams and visions for the future but I don’t get a vote in it. I’m going to email the link to the article and see if she’ll read it.
Seems she resents you for something! She may be quick to jump to another issue or help someone else to avoid hearing you whine about sex. It gets old for us ladies and perhaps she is quite bored with it all. Love is not sex. Don’t confuse the too. She most likely loves you very much, but she is not your sex servant. Why not try to be interested in her needs instead of focusing on your need.
I have recently turned my life around by submitting to God’s will to serve my husband in everything and by doing this I ultimately glorify God. My husband has been in a dull, sexless marriage as I put everyone before him and felt he pestered me constantly for sex, which made me push him away. This led to him sexting another women. This is hardly surprising; he has needs.
I have forgiven him. It has been a wake up call to me. I’ve now fully turned our relationship around by allowing him to love me when he wants, which is frequent, but is now bonding our relationship and increasing my libido. I’m glad a had the chance to make an effort and save my marriage. We’re both happy and close now.
Ladies, serve your husband in the sexual department and you’ll have a happy, rewarding marriage. The Bible states that we should always be a available to each other in marriage so you won’t be tempted. I’ve been ill and used every excuse in the book, but not anymore.
Thanks Clare, for sharing your testimony. This is the same wake up call I had a number of years ago. Thankfully, the years of my husband having to fight off extra temptations (because of my selfism) is over. We all have our types of temptations, but I added a sexually-oriented, and intimacy related pile on top for my husband. I came to realize that I was acting like a dictator in our bedroom, denying him for this reason or that (which all seemed logical to me), but ignoring his needs. There needs to be some giving and taking on both sides at times, but with us, and with you, it was more of our taking our position as the way things would be, without giving consideration to our husband’s needs.
And yes, I found the same thing to be true. When I stopped withholding, my libido increased too. Plus, the intimacy and closeness it brought, in addition, can’t be compared to anything we ever had before. Thank you Lord, for the wake up calls You give to us! I’m just so thankful that I paid attention and responded in the way I did. I thank God that you are experiencing the same thing. Thank you for sharing your testimony. May it inspire many.
Thanks Cindy, I’m glad this has been the case for you too. I was concentrating on all other areas of my Christian walk and totally neglecting my husband. My children consumed everything for me. May more Christian women concentrate on this area to cement their marriage.
The trouble is that members of each gender commonly perceive love through their lens, and forget that their spouse may be using a different lens altogether. Men perceive love through sexual intimacy, women perceive love through emotional intimacy. As a result, women who don’t look beyond their own lenses can’t understand why men consider sex to be a such big deal. My wife once asked me why we couldn’t just forget about sex, after all, she said, we married for love and not for sex. I’m not going to describe the shock and sinking feeling I got from hearing that remark, but that is the level of disconnect some of us men have to deal with from our wives. And reading your similarly very insensitive and selfish remark kind of brought it all back to me.
Jenny you must know that some men sacrifice a great deal to avoid depression. 15 yrs no sex. My wife stays at home 25 yrs of 30 yrs marriage. 4 children. My spare time fifteen yrs of house work & running a business to keep happy. Only one love in my life, 52 years old. Teacher on Sunday 25 yrs. All my emotional love comes from our children, two now gone, almost a third. I read a lot!
To a man, the two are inextricably intertwined. The problem is that the feminist nonsense so alive and well today, tries to tell you that we are the same. We’re not the same, my needs are different from your needs. Most men do try with their best ability, to provide for their wives needs. From my personal experience, wives do not respond in kind. They expect their needs, wants, the children’s needs and wants to be paramount and give the husband “the leftovers” if there are any. That is what the article is telling you plainly. There are just too many women who don’t hear or don’t want to hear the message.
Jenny, I think both should work to meet their needs. The wife should give the need of the husband (in this case sex) and the husband should give the needs of the wife (in this case I guess attention, respect and co). Both should not be selfish. God bless you.
Not sure if you’ll see this Tom, but I was wondering about your wife’s reaction to getting the link to this article. Did it help or hurt your situation? Thanks!
I agree with United States. I have been married for 14 years now and I remember fighting with my husband for the first 5 years about him not wanting sex. I have even asked him why he had married me. It got even worst when I got pregnant for the first time and even worst after my 3rd child. Now I wonder if I even want to continue my life with him as I am no getting any sex at all. It is very interesting how women should have to give in all the time but when it’s men, that’s another story… Women also need to feel needed and respected in bed and out.
I have struggled like you, Canada. I also asked my husband why he married me. We have a large family, so it appears this part of our life is healthy, but it is not. I made a vow early in our marriage to NEVER say no to him, and complied with his wishes when he became convicted that birth control was not Biblical. I thought my submission was what he wanted, and would heal whatever the problem was. It did not. After the birth of our sixth child, sex stopped completely. I discovered later he was fooling around with a 24 y.o. from our church who was supposed to be my friend and was helping with the children. I forgave him, have maintained by God’s grace a position committed to never bringing this up to him. He sometimes attacks me verbally and accuses me of bringing it up, but I honestly never have.
I have never been allowed to approach him – he warned me off early in our marriage. So I just wait for him. Years ago, it was hard physically for me, but now I’m free of it. I wonder if he has a problem with so many months- recently nearly a year – going by between times, but I’m not supposed to talk about it, and I’m not supposed to approach him. This is not what I hoped for, not what I once needed, but after 30 years I’m almost past caring. I know this is an essential component of marriage, but there is nothing I can do to help this situation.
I too have looked for articles, information and help for women whose husband’s don’t want sex, but there is nothing. Sadly, we had a good sex life before we married but afterwards it fizzled and I’ve never been able to figure out why. I’ve spent years praying God would intervene and bring about a closer bond between us, but this has never happened. I have come to understand more about how deeply introverted my husband is, and I suppose I may have overwhelmed and intimidated him.
But, believe me, if you met him you’d never think this guy could be intimidated by much. I am very thankful for our seven children, and my husband has been a good provider. But this has been a sore disappointment to me, and I feel I have failed miserably in this area, though I don’t know why.
My heart goes out to you and pray that your children will be a constant comfort to you.
You’re emotionally abused by your husband. It’s slowly killing you emotionally if he hasn’t done it already. Are you walking around with a smile on your face and crying or worse – feel nothing inside? God never intended for women to be treated like that by their husbands. He made them to be strong and protectors of their wife and that includes her emotions.
I agree and I sympathize with wives whose husbands don’t want sex. I’m sorry for your heartbreaking situation.
Well Canada, First I’d like to say I’m sorry your in such a selfish marriage. Your husband clearly isn’t living up to what God has called him to be as a husband and companion to you. Start by forgiving him. Now start every day by praying for him, that God would do a work in his heart and meet your needs in ALL aspects of your marriage. If he doesn’t respond, pray, pray & pray some more! Hang in there, your not alone. God is in this with you!!
I think sex is overrated. The purpose of sex was originally procreation. Nothing in the Bible talks about sex for enjoyment, fulfilment and all these other so called benefits.
You haven’t read Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)
It speaks of the importance of sex between a husband and wife. It clearly doesn’t say sex is merely for procreation. It paints a pretty vivid picture that sex is something to be enjoyed, savored and enthusiastically embraced by a husband and wife.
A-men, Tony!! Danny, the other thing I think you may have missed in your reading of the Bible is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 which tells us, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
I hope this helps you, Danny, in your view of marital sex.
Steve you are of course right about that quote from Corinthians, and anyone who claims to have read the Bible in its entirety would know of the existence of this passage (not just sexless husbands looking desperately for biblical justification to nudge their wives in the right direction :)). However, as with my comment to Tony, many believers cherrypick what they like from the Bible, and some will probably even point the finger back at you or I to say we are also cherrypicking such passages to support our selfish interests. In the end, nothing terribly useful is achieved by pointing to such scripture. If the targets wanted to internalize such scripture and obey them, they would already have done so without much prompting.
Yes the Bible does say that, but I for one believe that most believers will read the Bible and cherrypick whatever they like and turn a blind eye to whatever they don’t. Call that a human frailty or whatever, excuse it from the mountain tops, but in the end people will find a way to bend scripture to their own proclivities. Sad but true.
As Steve and Tony have already correctly pointed out, this is false. However, I do not disagree with the usefulness of assuming you are correct. For those of us in sexless marriages, with little hope for changing the attitudes of our wives, it is best we don’t attach too much importance to sex, as that would serve no purpose than to drag us down for the rest of our natural lives.
I was wanting to research this subject to better understand my feelings on the subject. While some of the responses are very well written with valid points some are completely ridiculous! Many keep pointing to the Bible. I am a Christian woman and I do not believe our reason for being is to soley take care of, support, and submit to our husbands.
I cannot believe that was God’s reason for our creation. I understand sex is important to a marriage, but what angers me is that it seems to be the only part of marriage worth complaining about. From what I have read there will never be a meeting in the middle on the subject. Men will continue to be angry at their wives for not wanting sex whenever the mood strikes them, and women will never understand why the need is so strong that it shadows EVERY other aspect of the marriage.
I believe my husband and myself are people of worth with our own identities. I will never be the kind of person to bend blindly to someone’s will. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I believe we are all worth more than how much sex and pleasure we bring to a marriage.
This article as well meaning as it was, just made men sound so weak they can’t have a good marriage or fulfilling life without abundant frequent sex, and made women sound petty and cold. I married for a life partner, not to aquire a master.
Wow you shouldnt speak for all women. There are thousands of women in sexless marriages and they hate it. Wives married to low libido men complain and want to get divorce because their husbands don’t give them sex. You need to search sex-starved wives or low libido men or men not wanting sex. Read the women that don’t get sex from their husbands comments. STOP SPEAKING FOR EVERY WOMAN. YOU DON’T KNOW EVERY WOMAN. Read what these Christian women have to say about sex and how important sex is to them.
Oh and BTW. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have a great sex life. I denied her sex once and she broke down and cried and was filled with anger. But, we communicated and I never denied her again. We are very happy and blessed. BTW sometimes men deny sex because they are mad or sad or depressed or emotional, not always because of porn or cheating. Women are not always emotional. Everything is not always connected to emotions when it comes to women. A lot of men are very emotional or more emotional then women. GOD bless you.
I left my husband the 4th yr. He had adult kids: ages 19; 23; 30. He had the tendency of repeatedly giving them food, household items, take them out to eat every weekend. We drove the 3 hrs to visit and 3 to return. We never had our honeymoon. When his ex found we married she repeatedly called that “their” kids needed endless visits.
I was extremely lonely and at one point commented I was lonely and we needed time together. To the point: he gave me attention only when he wanted sex; he never called it love nor intimacy. He spoke or touched on himself stating he was “horny.” This was complete turn offs to me and I began sensing “sex” so filthy and dirty and could not cooperate with him. He even spoke only about “his” private area during sex. I began feeling so dirty. His talk was describing his private area and when over he would get up, shower; and neglect me until he needed me again.
The first 4 yrs were abusive physically, verbally, and he behaved like Mr Mocho. I finally left him. I was advised by a priest to leave only for some time. I really believed he didn’t love me and only wanted me as a sex object. There is so much more to tell.
I agree that sexual relations in a marriage is very important. I’ve been married for 20 years now and we do have a healthy sex life. We have sex daily. We have a family together and we are busy like everyone else. Thing is ladies, my husband works out in the gym and he’s in amazing shape in his 40’s. We take care of our bodies and stay healthy, which helps in the physical side of our relationship. Also, we have educated ourselves on pleasing each other sexual. That helped greatly, as well.
It shouldn’t be all about the husband and his orgasm. It doesn’t state anywhere in the scriptures about only pleasing the man. Just because you’re a Christian wife doesn’t mean that you’re a servant or lesser than your husband. It can be enjoyable with your husband. No woman wants to feel pressured into a sex “duty” for her husband. That’s a turn off.
Best response I’ve read on here. It seems like all these men feel entitled to sex and satisfying their own needs. But they should consider that women get turned off to sex with unattractive men, unhygienic men and men who don’t make any effort sexually or emotionally to stimulate her mind and men that they are bored with.
Nothing more off putting than a begging man with a paunch, a slob that won’t pick up his own socks but expects to use your vagina for a ‘masturbation’ in sex that you find boring, and a chore. Most men turn off the TV and expect penetration in 5 minutes. Disgusting.
However a clean man with a good body a cheeky sense of humour outside the bedroom, who does his share…has a better chance of turning a woman on.
I very much agree with what I’ve read. My wife is one of those women that make me feel like crap when it comes to sex. We’ve been together for almost 25 years now. She hasn’t told me she loved me for about 8 years now. There’s times I wonder why I go on. I finally gave up telling her I love her. When I hint to her about sex she always says the same thing; its that all I think about. There’s no compassion towards me. It’s all her way and if I don’t like it too bad. She seems to care less what I need. I even bought a home for her and me. I’m growing tired of it all.
Tony I sympathize and empathize with you. You need to start taking care of you. Please see my long post on the subject.
So what if I agree? My wife will likely never read this, she has had 14-15 years to get a clue. And if perchance she did, she would just pretend not to have read it. She reads the Bible and prays everyday, but she has no problem pretending sex is a low priority item in the marriage, nor excusing her lack of interest at every turn.
Look guys, honestly, if you’re in this position, salvage your dignity and bear the situation like men, which is to say, stop begging your wives for sex and stop spending your precious time trying. Instead, think gleefully of all that extra time that can be plowed back into your other hobbies. And we’re not just talking about actual sex time but also all the time you would have needed to spend prepping and wooing her into bed. And if you make it clear to her that you’ll never bother her with your sexual needs anymore, that can be worth a lot in terms of getting out of other things you do not wish to do, or getting into things you wish to do.
Don’t enjoy those weekly visits to your in-laws? Perhaps you could negotiate it such that you only have to make an appearance once a fortnight. Want to start playing video games on a Saturday evening? That too can be negotiated. Note I’m not suggesting to neglect your manly duties around the house or going out and committing adultery or watching porn because that would run counter to being a responsible man, but I think it would be within your rights as a sexless husband to reclaim some time to do other things that interest you. So be creative and think about how you can make a potentially depressing situation work out more happily for you. Some of you might think of this advice as completely giving up, and I guess you could interpret it that way, but at some point you have to be realistic about what’s achievable and what’s not, and set about salvaging things as best as you can.
I will also make a comment about what was quoted from Today’s Christian Woman article about the wife who was doing virtually every other thing that the husband did not ask for but not the one thing he did yearn for. That was totally my experience as well. It’s as if she’s saying: “Look I’m doing all these other things, that should be enough to excuse me from giving you any sex!” Look guys, if most of these things are not what you care about or asked for, then you are getting a pretty raw deal. Because the credit you’re supposed to be getting from not having gotten sex is now being spent, without your explicit consent, on things you don’t care about, and you’re supposed to accept the diversion as being mutually satisfactory! You will need to stand up for yourself and start directing that credit toward things you do care about, such as the examples I gave in the previous paragraph.
So best and sincere wishes to all of us in this similar situation! Always remember to treat yourself properly even if no one else feels the need to do so.
Try living with an recovering alcoholic wife who does not like sex. My hedges look really nice.
I am facing the same issue with my wife. In Africa women that were born in early years till 80s have been circumcised to reduce their sexual libido, which my wife was unfortunately circumcised. The first year of my marriage we explored ourselves sexually. Immediately she had our first and second child, and her sexual life drastically reduced so that I had to beg for sex all the time. At this point I am tired of begging my wife for sex. She often rejects me. I am Christian and honestly I am tempted to look some where else for sexual partner. WHAT DO I DO?
Dear George, First I want to empathize with you because as a man with a healthy libido I know you have physical/sexual needs; and as a Christian man/husband you know you can’t go outside of your marriage to satisfy those needs. You mentioned that your wife was “circumcised” as a girl which reduced her “sexual libido.” I never knew much about this practice until I researched it tonight.
The more accurate term is Female Genital Mutilation (FGM). Just the name sends chills down my spine; but when I saw pictures of what girls/women go through in this procedure it is nothing less than barbaric and cruel, to say the least. If my wife went through that I would weep for the pain she endured as a child and continues to endure as an adult. If you have never studied what this “procedure” is and what it does to the woman – not just physically, but psychologically as well – then go to these two links: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_genital_mutilation and http://www.african-women.org/FGM/consequences.php. They are not as graphic as some web sites, but you can read and hopefully come away with a better understanding of what your wife goes through even all these years later.
I know there are women who withhold sex from their husbands because they just don’t feel like “giving it to him,” or they aren’t “in the mood.” But I sincerely believe the reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you is because of the extreme physical and emotional pain she endures before, during and after. Honestly George, knowing what I do now about FGM, I don’t think I could ever, in good conscience ask my wife to have sex with me if she had endured that.
I realize I am not in your position and God hasn’t given me this “test.” I say, test, because I want to ask you to pray about something. I know you’re a Christian so I am pretty sure you are familiar with the passage in Ephesians, chapter 5, verses 25 & 26: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word…” So, just as Christ died to His desires, George, is he asking you to sacrifice your desires (die to your wants) for your wife?
Besides laying down your physical life to protect your wife from harm, I can think of no greater sacrifice a husband could willingly surrender to God than his desire for intercourse with his wife. There are also alternatives to intercourse in making love. Here’s a web site that we refer people to a lot that offers some suggestions: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/03/sexual-pleasure-beyond-intercourse/.
Now here is the penetrating question I want you to take to God: Is it possible that God chose you (George) very specifically to be the husband to your wife because He knew you are the man who could love God’s daughter (your wife) like He loves her? God knew before the beginning of time what would happen to your wife and that she would need a very special man who could love her in spite of what she couldn’t “give” her husband. I believe you are God’s choice servant for this mission and I believe God has brought you to this crossroad now, so you can surrender your pain and desires to Him as an offering of praise…to be a living sacrifice and to take your stand that NOTHING can separate you from the love of God and the love for your wife.
I am praying for you, George. I’m praying too that there will come a day that you will return to our web site and post your testimony so other men can see what God can do when we find ourselves in desperate circumstances. ~ Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
This is a perfect example of why the apostle Paul said that it is better to be SINGLE!! And nowhere in the Bible will you find a verse saying blessed is the WOMAN who finds a husband or she that finds a husband finds a good thing!!! Ladies if you are still single stay that way!!!! The Lord is the ONLY groom worth waiting for!!!!!!!
So women have to seek ‘professional help’ because they don’t want sex. Men experience overwhelming anxiety, depression, isolation, etc., etc. but that’s the woman’s fault too? How about he seek professional help rather than burden the woman?
Oral sex can replace the need for sex sometimes…What is so hard to understand here?
I think that many wives don’t understand how frequently their husbands feel rejected. During one of our many fights about lack of sex, my wife claimed that she never rejects me. I told her that she has rejected me hundreds of times before I even have a chance to initiate. All day long she will grumble about how tired she is and she just can’t wait to go to sleep that night. REJECTED. I already know at that point that she has no desire for me sexually. If I initiate, she would likely allow sex out of a sense of duty, but her heart would be far from me the whole time.
I hate that. I hate one sided sex. I hate feeling selfish. I hate feeling like I’m one step away from a rapist.
I am very jealous of her ability to have no sexual desire and live her life without it. I can’t help finding her sexually arousing, I can’t help wanting and needing physical intimacy with her. I can’t help needing to feel desired by her. But she can just live her life without any of those distractions. I have wished for years that I could just be castrated so my libido would go away and I could be on the same page with her sexually.
But, all I can do is suffer through this nightmare. I’ve taken her to marriage counseling. She thought it was stupid. She wanted to stop going after just a few visits. I’ve tried to talk to her outside of counseling, and she says that I just have unrealistic expectations and I need to get over it.
At this point I feel that all I can do is wait for one of us to die. Either I will eventually die, and then I will be home with the Lord and won’t care about sex anymore, or she will die and maybe I will have a chance to remarry to someone who cares about my needs.
Hello JCorolla, I cannot help but respond to your very well expressed text on an issue which can be a major wedge between husbands and wives. As a man, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. Beyond horrible!! I think you are right, many wives really do not understand this. I remember reading the following somewhere… “Men need sex to feel loved, while women desire sex WHEN they feel loved” or words to that effect. This made sense to me. You do NOT have unrealistic needs… you are a man!! But your wife is in a completely different place. My heart goes out to you… really!! However, you do need to try and put yourself in your wife’s shoes… as hard as that is… it will certainly help when she feels that you are really trying to understand her. Your wife clearly has no idea how you are feeling… not a clue.
I would like to refer you to the link below. The site to which it leads I found to be extremely good. Perhaps share this with your wife and tell her you do not want this to happen to you? But that you feel you are well down this road already? See what you think… http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage
I can imagine what you are going through is Awful!! This link here below might also be interesting for you http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-1-the-act-of-marriage/
Perhaps initiate in a completely different way. Try something completely new. I will pray for you, because I fully appreciate what you are dealing with.
One more comment, I’m not asking for an answer here, I’m only stating a question for you to research for yourself: Is your wife on any kind of medication? This can have an effect on libido. Perhaps a hormonal imbalance? That can have the same effect. Perhaps a medical checkup would be a good idea? Could be a purely physical thing. Perhaps a traumatic event in her youth? That could kill sexual interest too.
One other comment if I may. Perhaps you can consider having your wife read your own comments of January 17, 2016 at 6:00 am? These are clearly from your heart. Also the comments at the beginning of this site. They are very good. Let me know how you are getting along? If OK for you? I hope to hear from you soon… WP (Work in Progress)
WP, thank you for the thoughtful response. I have actually already shared both of those sites (and some others) with her. She just glances at it, skims through, and usually fights with me because I have brought up the subject again.
As for a physical, I tried that. I convinced her to see her doctor because I wanted to have her checked for a hormonal imbalance. Her doctor actually laughed, and told her that she’s just tired. She took a blood sample and sent it to the lab. I saw the report; it didn’t test for anything related to sex hormones. I was pretty upset. Not only did she not test for hormones, but I had to pay for a wasted doctor visit.
I still keep pushing for a hormone check and we made an appointment with a gynecologist. And, as my misfortune would have it, between when we made the appointment and when she could finally get in, she managed to get pregnant during one of the rare times we had sex. So, it will probably be at least another year or so before we can get an accurate test of her baseline hormone levels. Obviously any testing during pregnancy would be a waste of time.
Oh, and I just want to clarify about my last comment mentioning that death is my only hope: I am NOT suicidal. Just want to clear that up in case anyone reading thinks that. I just believe that waiting for natural death is my only option.
Hi JCorolla, Wow!! Pretty difficult!! I wish I had a helpful answer… I didn’t think you were suicidal. Prayer and patience are the only things I can think of… I know prayer is powerful. Do you have other friends with whom you can at least talk and share? I hope so… Other than this difference, is your relationship “OK?” Do you get along well? Are you basically happy with each other? Would this child be your first? I hope to hear from you again… WP
My heart broke when I read this JCorolla. I’m not Christian but my significant other is and I have suffered my entire childhood from sexual abuse. Everything else aside, when I feel like I just can’t, I’m going to read your story and I’m going to do it. I don’t want him to languish like this. I hope with everything in me that she comes around. I’m so sorry for you.
Hi Kish, Your words are so thoughtful! I have also had the same as you for part of my childhood, but it CAN be overcome with God’s help (I know this because I experienced it myself). I hope J reads your text.
Perhaps this website will be of help: Your husband will love you forever, I can promise you!! Talk with him, tell him how you feel, that never fails in the long run!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
Thank you!!! WP (Work in Progress)
Why is it that we are supposed to be so concerned with making sure a man’s feelings are so protected, that their confidence should be bolstered at all times? If he is unconcerned with the feelings of his wife, why then should we value sex?
How do you think Jesus would answer your question? Are our actions supposed to be motivated by what WE get out of them? What did you promise in your wedding vows about loving your spouse… did you attach conditional clauses to your vows before you said them? What does “going the extra mile” and “serving one another” and doing “nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” mean? Are there conditional clauses attached? I understand why we WANT to attach conditional clauses; it’s understandable in our nature to feel that way, but again, what would do you think Jesus would have us do?
Depends on the extent of his neglect of her needs. Boundaries have to be established.
Jena, I don’t know your husband, but I can say that if he’s concerned about your sexual relationship, he has at least some concerns for your emotions. His view of it is likely along the lines of “why am I not good enough for her? Why does she hate me? Why am I such a loser? She would be better off if I died/left/divorced. She deserves better than me.” I think you underestimate the emotional toll it takes on a man if he feels like his wife finds him unattractive, uninteresting, repulsive, etc. Much the same as you likely feel about him not meeting your emotional needs.
I have had times when I was so fed up with my wife not caring about my needs that (much to my shame) I deliberately ignored her emotional needs. It was a situation where I wanted vengeance. I wanted to treat her as badly as I felt treated by her.
It was evil and wrong of me, but I think a lot of guys get to this point. They just give up on their wives. They reach a point where they just get tired of putting effort into a wife who doesn’t care and they give up and decide that they may as well be selfish and get some kind of gratification from the relationship.
Is it right? Absolutely not. However, from a guy who has been there and done that, I can say that what you perceive as a lack of care about your emotions is likely a defense mechanism he has built over time to shield himself from further emotional difficulties.
Anyway, I’m not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I’m just trying to show the issue from the other person’s point of view.
Hi JCorolla, I read this post after entering my earlier post to you… my last questions are clearly already answered.
Jena, JCorolla’s comments are well written from a man’s point of view. It’s very painful to feel rejected… But I can follow your side as well…
Seems that both sides of most marriages want the same thing… to be loved and valued… to have our needs met. Just to be loved and to have a soft place to fall… and to be understood. Perhaps if we would say to our spouse, “You tell me what I need to do to make life better for you,” and then act on the answer(s) given… that eventually/hopefully our spouses hearts would soften and they would meet us somewhere in the middle. Without God, these things are impossible. With God all things are possible… WP