Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I stumbled across this site looking for ideas. Married 35 years. Sexless nearly 20 years (less than 6x a year, and progressively less satisfying).
Young folks, remember, the person with the LOWEST sex drive controls the bedroom.
The self esteem issue is very real. My wife was nearly a virgin when we married. I wasn’t. Being religious, we only dated a few times, never lived together and had only a few brief intimate moments before marriage.
The first 10 years were OK. Then the “problems”, Endometriosis, then perpetual menstrual cycles… Then all the other excuses. …. “its so messy, Why can’t you hurry up? Can you finish yourself this time? I’m too dry. I don’t like using lubricant; it’s too messy. You need a shave. Maybe later. Has it already been 6 weeks? Why are you so eager? (Note… when you invite a starving man to the all-you-can-eat buffet the first few courses can be a little enthusiastic!) I need to get up in the morning. I hate that position. Are you finished already? What’s the matter? You’re not hard. Has it already been 6 months? Did we miss our anniversary again? Oh… maybe next year.
So yes, I have resentment. But I love my wife way too much to bother her with sex again. I have completely filled my life with work, hobbies, friends, church, committees, etc.
I get my “safe sex” (hugs, kisses, oral) whenever and wherever I can now. At age 60, there’s too little time left to worry about changing her. Shes’ all dried up, fat and happy. I will never stop loving her, and will never leave her, but my “worth” as a man is no longer in her control.
Any wife who takes her vows seriously will make an effort to honor her husband. Denying sex to your spouse is a broken vow.
If my wife ever rolled over and said “lets get it on” I’m pretty sure I’d have to turn on the light to make sure who it was!
(USA) For any spouses reading this who think denying your spouse sex is a biblical option…. The Apostle Paul disagrees with you.
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (ESV)
That’s the biblical argument that sexual refusal IS sin.
Here’s another argument. For your high drive spouse, their drive is very strong and ever present. God has provided YOU, as the answer to meeting that NEED. And it IS a NEED for someone who is married and HAS a sex drive. Sure, singles go without all the time – but THEY are not expected to live with and even sleep next to a spouse of the opposite gender. They have not been given the “Go ahead” by God. They have not been promised to be fulfilled BY YOU. And they can fill their time in single pursuits WITHOUT you. AND, they have the prospect of marriage to someone who DESIRES them.
For a High Drive spouse, committed to YOU, forever, the prospect of sleeping next to you for the rest of their lives, and almost never having sex….never feeling desired, …in fact feeling repulsive, and never really feeling LOVED…..is TORTURE.
If you don’t think sex is very important in your marriage and you are reading this, you may think that TORTURE is an exaggeration. I submit to you, with nothing to gain for myself, that I am describing being on the receiving end of Sexual Refusal accurately. It IS torture.
Please don’t TORTURE your spouse. Be a generous lover FOR them! Do you love them or not? God smiles on an active Marriage Bed. You gave your promise ” To Have and to Hold” (That means to have sex) Even if this wasn’t in your vows, its the Bible that defines marriage. You are to be having sex with your spouse. I encourage you……show them you love them.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19 (ESV)
3 I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
he grazes among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 6:3 (ESV)
(USA) And we have yet another stellar example of the misuse of scripture to force behavior which was directed toward a specific question. The edict is for a joint experience of marital rights. And you should look at the text you posted. “1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’” If this is indeed Paul restating the question so he can answer it, then it is likely that the husband is refusing the wife and wants justification, which Paul refuses to give him, both because such an attitude is unhealthy for the marriage and unhealthy for the soul of the individual.
With an unspectacular amount of imagination we can see that the questioner was looking at the celibate status of some of the disciples, their unmarried state, or the possibility that some were determined to “be like Paul” by being without spouse or leaving their intendeds. This could be dangerous. This was a time of temple prostitutes in Rome and elsewhere, a time of growing debauchery.
Given the history of the people in question of the first century, it is also entirely possible that this radical proposition refers not to men having sex owed to them by their wives because God said so, but rather refers to the reciprocal nature of sex in marriage. In that culture the women typically had no rights, conjugal or otherwise. It would have been extraordinary for sexual equality to be promoted in this culture! Paul is saying that the wife doesn’t have the right to offer her body to another, and likewise neither does the husband have the right to offer his body to another, nor do either have the right to abandon the other, not even for God (except for limited times of prayer). The primary issue is fidelity.
By the way, it seems to me that “self-control” is one of the fruit of the Spirit, but Paul was making it clear that marriage was intended to provide an avenue of safety for the expression of sex. Paul also referred to the distraction marriage brought and wished that all men could be like him! Does that mean that if celibacy isn’t your gift that you have a right to sex on demand? I don’t for a minute believe that God was granting any spouse a sexual relief tool, but a partner—hear that? Partner!
That said, NO ONE should use sex as a weapon to punish their partner. It is punishing to demand sexual activity as one’s “rights” AND punishing to refuse sexual activity in order to manipulate him or her to comply with trivial wishes or make up for perceived slights.
You know what would be amazing? If you could have used that time to actually pray, as a retreat, as a time of connection with God, regardless of your wife’s reasons, instead of an opportunity to complain and be bitter.
(USA) I’m sorry Ned. What a waste of a precious gift that God gave you both. Your wife is defrauding you and in sin, (Per 1 Corinthians 7) not that knowing that will make her change in any way. Some spouses think that any excuse is legitimate because that’s how they “feel” despite what God says in His word. What a waste.
(USA) What about the husband who refuses to have sex with his wife? There has been more attention to this growing epidemic but the repercussions are the same for both sexes. My husband has refused to have sex with me for two years and it has caused great emotional stress.
I used to have faith that one day he will come around and the excuses would stop but after being rejected continuously, well let’s say your self esteem can’t take much more of a beating. Some people may think sex and intimacy isn’t important but sex is what cements a bond; it’s what separates a friendship from a marriage. I don’t need more friends I need a partner. Marriage is a lonely place to be and regret it so much.
(USA) After being rejected so often, eventually you stop asking. The sex and physical and emotional connect is what the “wed-lock” is comprised of in marriage, so it’s not trivial. It’s good to hear this from the other perspective. With husbands cheating their wives like this, I’d imagine they are also doing the physical act outside of the house. Spouses that cheat on their wife/husband many times do get MAD when the spouse demands their right to them. This is a normal sign.
(USA) Men and Women are different, not wrong. A very good DVD or Book is called ‘Love & Respect’ by Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs. This will explain almost everything. I had this as part of my pre-marital classes and it is very truthful I found.
(USA) This article is very eye opening. Most men aren’t willing to tell us things like this. Unfortunately, my husband had been addicted to porn long before we met He’s always watching movies and looking at magazines. I can’t compete with that stuff! I don’t look like those women, and I don’t do the things they do.
He wants me to watch them to “learn” things because he’s really the only intimate partner I’ve ever had. I admit I’ve given what many of the male readers consider excuses, but sometimes a person is genuinely tired. My husband’s drive is very high, and after having several miscarriages, I wasn’t interested for a long time.
Things changed last summer, but the result of me increasing intimate time to meet his needs was me getting pregnant with twins! I retained residual baby weight and we were both exhausted all the time. Suddenly, I was the one getting rejected and was told he’s tired (he stayed home with the kids when he was laid off from work).
I truly desired to have this part of our relationship restored, but now other problems have led to separation. I know his libido is still very strong and I’m concerned he will have an affair while we’re apart. It makes me sad, even though I’ve asked him to come to me with these needs, it has been months. I’ve pretty much assumed he’s going elsewhere.
(USA) I read Ty’s response and I agree with him 100%. By appearances I have a wonderful Christian wife who constantly reads her Bible and prays all the time. But when it comes to intimacy, I am always required to be the initiator. Her lack of initiation translates into rejection of me. I am always flirting with depression and spend far too much mental energy trying to prove to myself that I am a man. I’m exhausted. The church and her college Christian group taught her to be modest. And now we’ve been married for nearly 30 years and she’s still modest!
I admire and applaud the Christian women like Barbara Rainey, Barb Rosberg, Shaunti and Shannon Ethridge who encourage married women to love their husbands in a way they can understand. When I get to heaven (if this is allowed) I want to come visit each of these women and give them a hug for taking the risk to be exposed — for the ultimate purpose of glorifying Christ. In Christ, Jeff
(USA) I am a Christian woman married for 9 years. For the first 5 years of marriage I would turn down my husband if I did not feel like having sex. Then life changed and it has been 4 years since I turned my husband down. The difference in my husband has been amazing. I totally trust my husband around other females because I KNOW that he will come to me for sex, because I keep him satisfied. He has more confidence and self worth. Since my husband is satisfied on an emotional as well as on a physical level he is not as desperate for sex as he use to be and he needs it less. Sex is better and I want it more. One of the best things I did for my marriage was to stop turning my husband down.
We should teach more about what the Bible says about marriage and sex. And we need to put my pressure on the females to follow what the Bible says, not just on men to not commit adultery. From what I understand Christian men do not want to walk around lusting after every woman they see. God has given them a way of escape in their wives, and their wives are failing them in their God-mandated responsibility. As Christians we are not to cause one another to stumble, and as wives we are causing the person who is most important to us to stumble when we are not available for sex.
(TONGA LAND) The Bible has all the answers to the issue we are discussing about sex in marriage. If we could follow the teachings of the Bible we could have a happy marriage full of good sex and romance. God has given us the institution of marriage where couples could enjoy each other freely and whole-heartedly, but the problem lies in selfishness. You find a wife starves her husband by not giving him enough sex, while a man desires more of his wife.
What does the Bible say, in the book of Genesis chapter 3 verse 16? “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. The woman’s desire is for her husband, meaning she has to desire to please him, to satisfy his needs, etc. If a husband is not around, the woman is supposed to long for him, desire to see his face, be with him & love him. As for men, it is our duty to LOVE the wife, the wife has to submit, obey etc. But what is happening nowadays is the opposite, a husband is the one who desires his wife, while a wife is now the ruler of the husband.
The way God created a man, He created him in a way that the reproductive system of a man is hot and needs to release the pressure every 24 hrs. If we look in animal kingdom, the male to female ratio is 1 to many. Hence in the Old Testament & other tribes they allow polygamy, the reason being, to enable men fulfill their work effectively, etc. However in the New Testament the issue of polygamy is silent. It’s not accepted. For a Deacon or an Overseer has to be a man who has one wife. This tells if you are a Christian; you must have one wife. This tells us to always enjoy love & sex with our spouse. There must be room for compromise. Letting one another down creates unnecessary tension, which can result in evil desires, then sin, then one’s down fall.
Husband, love your wife, so like wise wife submit. Obey your husband in the fear of the Lord. Men, learn to love your wife and understand her that she is a weaker vessel, but by the grace of the Lord, you will make it.
I have been married to my beautiful wife for 6 years. The first year was great; everything was super, love, romance & sex was super. Things started to change after the birth of our son. After a year when she started using contraceptive pills, she said she did not have desire (libido) to have sex. She was saying that lack of libido was one of the side effects, so most of the times she was turning me down etc.
here was a time I nearly went astray, but I tried my best to remain faithful. I talked to her on several occasions on how I felt about the whole issue. Still things were not working, until recently, she happened to travel and we missed each other for 2 months. We could talk on the phone & e-mail. This break has done wonders. Now she is back. It’s like we have started all over again. Our sex life is back to square one, and we are enjoying each & every moment we are together.
We have agreed to keep the fire burning. The time we missed each other was a time of soul searching and rebirth of love. We have rediscovered the formula and I believe by the grace of our Lord Jesus we will make it. Thank God for saving my marriage.
Sometimes a break can do good, but it should not be a very long break. 2 weeks of missing is good; also praying for one another is a key.
(US) You’re kidding me.!! Men are actually handing over a large amount of power to women. Women have the power to increase your self confidence and self esteem. Oh please, why would you hand over so much power? I’m sorry, but you sound like a bunch of wimps, crying because you dropped your ice cream. Why do you need someone to make you feel “loved and needed”. It seems to me that your self esteem should come from within yourself and not from another person or from sex.
Nobody is placed on this earth to make you feel complete, you need to accomplish this yourself. Nobody is handing me my self esteem on a platter and it’s crazy that you expect that from another person and then use some lame excuse that it’s your wives fault that you are depressed. Then you try and ‘justify’ an affair. You are truely, without a doubt, the weeker sex.
(USA) Careful…your anger and bitterness are showing. Oh, and it’s spelled “weaker”. Thanks for playing.
(USA) Even with a full esteem, having sexual gratification and emotional needs met and fed will provide more esteem. That’s if the wife is the “only” source of these, that without her filling them, there willl be a hole and it has to come from somewhere else.
Or Nichole, are you to admit that some of you women are knowingly getting your need for attention, affection, emotion and even sex met outside of your marriage – while expecting your husband to remain faithful?
(USA) Your comments in response to this article only justifies the need for the article. You (women in general) really don’t understand the desires of a man. Regardless of your beliefs in this article or not, you should find that majority of the comments are from men that have finally found a way to express themselves without sounding shallow. It’s apparent that these men have found themselves in a tough situation.
All of the comments clearly read that these men love their significant other and want to be with them and only them. They feel de-valued. Their needs (as shallow as it may sound, but more real than you believe), and how to express it to the woman they love without hurting them, is extremely emotionally painful. Most men, such as myself, will withold these feelings until the frustration is completely overwhelming. Then other, not so important, issues come into play as a result. Hopefully, you will take something from this article and understand your significant other. This is a great article!
(UNITED STATES) I am alarmed at the number of men who honestly are ok with the idea that they receive their validation from their wives. The biblical picture of sex between man and woman is just that, a picture, a portrayal of the relationship we have with God. We are the Bride of Christ! The intimacy of a sexual relationship is designed to be the most intimate experience humans have, as it fortells of the intimacy God desires with us. His love for us is far more than simply bringing us to heaven. It is about the greatest love affair of all time. God’s love for us is deeper than just the way we feel, it is about the deepest parts of our hearts, the deepest wounds to be healed, the deepest desires we can know all spring from this relationship.
I am a recovering sex addict, 13 years in recovery, an addict from the age of 12, and turned 40 this year. Throughout years of ministry, pastoral, youth, and college, I would say things like, “…my wife’s desire for sex with me, passionate, toe-curling sex, is a reflection of how much she loves me, how much I mean to her, how in love with me she is…all because of articles like this one….that is utter rubbish.
I am to take my strength, as a man, not a macho, puffed up, posing manliness, that is weak and sniveling, but true masculinity, that which comes from God, and is passed to me through that relationship. I am to take that to the woman, offer her my strength…use it for her. It is a travesty that too many men go to women for their validation. She holds the keys, and what happens when the report card she gives you is a failing grade? She does NOT have the last word for you as a man, God does. His validation will seal you, and then you can be in a relationship with a woman and offer her your true self.
I know, some of you are cringing at the thought of a macho holy roller, whopping his wife over the head with his Bible. That is not it at all. When I stopped searching for my wife to validate me, I became a man that she could not keep her hands off of… she desires me, because I am becoming the man she thought she was getting 16 years ago.
I have so much more to say….maybe another time… Have your men read, “Wild At Heart” by John Eldredge? It will change their lives… Women, read, “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge, it will change your life as well, not to mention your marriage. …ntil next time… Logan
(LONDON, UK) Hi Logan, I couldn’t agree with you more and put it any better.
I’m shocked at the attitudes of the men who have written here. Your validation MUST never come from your wife but from God. You cannot put pressure on your wife and demand that she has sex with you because the Bible says she MUST.
My husband is also a recovering sex addict. It’s been 16 months since his confession to me and he is doing a great job through Christ. My husband has the biggest sex drive and I could happily live without sex because it’s not that huge to me, but I never have sex with my husband, we MAKE LOVE. Making love is completely different from having sex, and when we make love we express just how much we love each other.
My husband still struggles with his sex addiction and this has a huge effect on our love life, but when the pressure gets too much we take a 90 day detachment period where we do not make love. This allows us to concentrate on the important aspects of our marriage, just sitting together cuddling on the sofa, relaxing and enjoying JUST being together. I feel so much closer to him during this period and after the detachment is finished we continue it on but add our love making back into the picture, and it’s amazing.
My husband had the same attitudes as many of these men, but he’s learning that real love comes from Jesus Christ. Once you truly know that, a huge amount of pressure is taken away from the wife because the husband then only needs validation from Jesus which makes you whole. Wives must also do the same thing. Seek your validation and self portrait from Jesus.
Before you can even think of having a good relationship in the bedroom you have to sort out things outside the bedroom. You can’t treat each other like rubbish and then expect to have a good sex life, cause it will not work.
Instead of beating each other up, you should be working TOGETHER, and stop the blame game. My husband would have sex 10 times a day if he could, but I wouldn’t. We have to think about each others needs. If we do then we meet half way and are united.
Keep God as the centre of your marriage, don’t use the Bible to prove your point, but use it to unite you and strengthen your marriage. Caroline x
(USA) I’m glad I’m not your husband. One can keep God at the center of one’s marriage and still make love several times each day. Frankly, I find your attitude just as disrespectful as the attitudes you disdain.
You talk about what is real love and not real love. Real love is meeting your spouses needs, not sitting in judgment of those needs that they meet your standard.
Why not find a way to feel close to your husband WHILE meeting his legitimate needs for making love? Instead, it seems you hold meeting this need hostage until he meets some standard you arbitrarily set. I.E. if he does a good job of snuggling and providing non-sexual contact for 90 days, you’ll re-introduce making love.
I see nothing about taking the pressure off of him. It’s all about your pressure, your standards, your views. You veil them by saying your views are Godly. God invented sex, so it must be good when done in the bounds of marriage. God says not to withhold sex, except for a short time that is mutually agreed upon.
So does your husband enthusiastically go along with this, or does he do so because the alternative is no sex for periods even longer than 90 days? I really don’t know. However, I suspect he’s blackmailed into doing things your way, instead of though, as an equal in the negotiations where his needs and desires are given as much legitimacy as yours.
He may be a “sex addict” as you claim he is. Yet even that doesn’t make making love an illegitimate or lesser need. Instead of teaching him to abastain from sex for long periods of time (contrary to scripture) why not teach him how to have a fulfilling, healthy and generous sex life, so that sex with you is far more appealing than other choices?
I really don’t see how making him wait 90 days when YOU feel disconnected does anything positive to teach him about giving of ones self generously to our spouse. I see it as the exact opposite. If you don’t meet my standard, I will not give myself to you, regardless what scripture says about the subject.
He may be a sex addict. However, even that is no excuse for sexual blackmail by the only person who can legitimately meet legitimate sexual needs.
(USA) Caroline, If your husband has a high sex drive, why not allow it? The sex drive ties into other systems in the brain, and it may be that if it is satisfied, that your husband is going to be at his peak performance. As long as he is loving you, that is all that matters.
I just wanted your comments, you have a high sex drive male or female. Is there a problem if you satisfy that drive as long as it is in love, or must it be reduced to the lower drive?
(USA) So sex is NOT an important aspect of your marriage? Wow. That’s not biblical. The following entire passage addresses the importance of sex in marriage. I’m not saying there aren’t also other reasons to marry, but in this passage, THE reason to get married that he cites is so that you can have sex. He even says that you are NOT to deprive each other except for a limited time of prayer and fasting, if mutually agreed upon. One of your major functions as a wife is to provide sex for your husband and vice-versa he for you. Of course you can’t have sex ten times a day and live up to all the other things that God would have you do. BUT, sex with your husband DOES need to be a priority. Sitting together on the couch getting to know one another is NOT more important than your sexual relationship. They are both important.
If the 90 days is mutually agreed upon, then fine. But if it isn’t mutual… well, see what the Bible says: 1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. 1 Corinthians 7:1-7 (English Standard Version)
(CANADA) L. or Logan, Why are you married then? Leave and do minister work and get rid of the ‘ole wifey. For His sake you should leave. No? Whimp.
(USA) I am enjoying reading all the comments. I wonder what all these men look, feel and smell like who are complaining about their wives not wanting to have sex with them? I wonder when the last time these husbands really tried to please their wife during sex? I wonder if you are really that terrible at making love that perhaps she really has no desire for you? Perhaps you are doing something that actually really turns her off. It may be no wonder why she does not want to be intimate with you. I am not justifying the refusals but it has to go both ways.
Perhaps she is not attracted to you physically. Perhaps, because you are behaving like a spoiled child who did not get his lollypop today, you are making her feel like your mother. Perhaps you are making her feel like a whore you picked up off the street who is only there to satisfy you. Perhaps it would be easy to make love to you if you loved yourself enough to take care of yourself and get in shape. Perhaps you could understand how your wife feels after going to work, preparing dinner, taking care of the kids, cleaning house, and all the other things in her day that deplete her energy.
If you are not helping meet her needs, how can you wonder why she does not have the energy at the end of the day to take care of your needs? Is it any wonder that you are not getting your needs met?
I want to say, Grow up and be a man! Wives don’t want to be made to feel responsible for your depression and all your other poor self esteem issues. Your self esteem should not be her responsibility. Stop whining and meet some of her needs, then perhaps some of your needs might get met. I don’t think you men understand how demeaning it is for you to demand sex and treat your wife like a whore and then wonder why she is not interested in sex. And then if she doesn’t come through for you, you accuse her of rejecting you and become sullen and reject her. Sex then becomes a duty and an obligation, which is not what you want. It is a vicious circle, but it is not all the woman’s fault, which some of you seem to think.
I understand you have physical needs that women don’t have, but it is more than physical for women. We need to feel safe, nurtured and loved, and we need romance and heart to heart conversation. We don’t get turned on at a drop of a hat, it takes time and attention. We have to plan for sex, it is not usually just spontaneous, especially as we get older and have more responsibilities and physical ailments. We don’t get turned on by your constant, needy sexual advances, we need romance and relaxation to be turned on.
I am betting that most of these husbands who are complaining about not getting enough sex are living with wives who feel used up, unloved, and misunderstood and subsequently are unable to open up to their husbands because he can’t or won’t be intimate with her and meet her emotional needs. If you are feeling rejected because your wife isn’t giving you enough sex, first look in the mirror, and then try to walk a mile in her shoes. If you want a perky little woman who will love to love you; make that possible for her! Be the man she wants to love.
(USA) CL, Wow, that’s a pretty good rant. So what is your scriptural basis for that? Can you show me in scripture where it says for a wife to refuse sex or to simply refuse to be loving towards her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards?
I’m not arguing against husbands doing those things, so don’t mis-understand. However, I think you’ll find a lot of husbands DID or even DO those things and yet the situation doesn’t change.
Or worse, my ex-wife wouldn’t make love with me. Wouldn’t even talk about what would make it better, what would it take for her to be enthusiastic about it. But she had no problem having an affair and opening up to another married man.
So, should I just assume that the problem is with women? After all, my experience is that women cannot be open and honest with their husbands. When a husband senses something wrong and asks specific questions about how to make things better, she will lie and say things are fine, while she’s sleeping with another man. For me to say that is about as valid as your rant here.
This topic was for wives to look at their stuff. To make sure they are in the right with respect to scripture and how they treat their husbands.
From the last I heard, women don’t have some lock on morality. God says in His word that ALL are sinners. Not just men. So for every man who may fall into what you’ve described, there is probably a woman who fails to respond to men who do exactly what you describe if not more.
But it appears this topic is about those women who have unilaterally decided that they are the final say regarding what should or shouldn’t be important for their husbands.
So I suggest instead of blaming men, why not take your advice and walk in the shoes of the man who is all you say he should be, but his wife has decided that neither he, nor scripture really knows how important sex is to the marital relationship?
(LONDON, UK) I couldn’t agree with you more CL.
(US) CL, What do you say to all of the husbands who have bent over backwards to meet the needs of their wives? Despite what you think, there are MANY men who work hard at their jobs, come home to cook the meals, take care of the children, and clean up the house so their wives can have that precious time to themselves to unwind a bit.
Many of these same men take excellent care of themselves. They go to the gym during their lunch hour so they can stay in good physical shape. They are well groomed, well dressed, and take pride in how they are seen by others. Many of these same men provide substantial finances to their families, they are genuinely kind, caring and loving towards their wives, and they show great interest in those things their wives find important. They meet their wives needs to the absolute best of their abilities.
Yet, their wives reject their sexual advances because of reasons within themselves… not due to anything done or not done by their husbands. Your view is myopic.
(USA) Andy, Sometimes the wives have no interest due to low sex drive. In other cases, you may have married a “corporate wife”, and you did not know going in. In other cases, she may be having an affair(s). In other cases, it my be different social worlds and her social world places low value on a man like you. It may even be competitive with you – so that the better you are and better you appear, the more and harder she will tear you down or ignore you. Good luck, and I think most of us should withstand this torture for a certain amount of time before letting it go.
(USA) Andy, I just found this blog not too long ago but as I continue reading all of the posts I can’t help but be amazed at all of the men out there who are in the EXACT boat that I am. Your post is exactly what I would have posted almost word for word and while I can sympythize with you I still have not found the answer to why my (and your) situation is the way that it is.
Lately every day is a struggle for me to keep on taking and dealing with the rejection, lack of any intimacy and the refusal of my wife to initiate anything. Many posts have described it as torture and I would have to agree. Unfortunately, having children in this situation complicates the whole scenario, plus the fact that I really am attracted to and love my wife very much and won’t consider divorce. I keep hoping every day that maybe today will be the day that things change. Maybe that sounds ignorant but it wasn’t always this way and I’m determined to find the answer as to why it is now.
I hope that you try all avenues to reconnect with your wife and that things get better for you, I totally feel your pain!
(USA) Your guess would be wrong.
(S.AFRICA) Dear CL, I could not have said it better.
(FRANCE) I love my wife so much yet for the last 25 years we’ve been married we make love perhaps once every three months and now even less. Is it me or is she turned on with someone else?
(USA) In need, What I have found out through my studies, is OVER one half of the time, that women “Lose sexual desire”, that they are having that need met somewhere else.
That a lack of drive, vaginal dryness, etc – may be because there is another lover, and she does not look at you in THAT way anymore. She MAY look at you almost as a SON!
You have been SONNED, LOL.
There is really no excuse to have sexual relations in a marriage every three months, even three times a month or anything less than three times a week. We all do things that we don’t necessarily want to.