Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I have been married for nearly 14 years, and I fully understand my husband’s desire for sex and how important it is for him to feel like a man. The difficult thing for a woman is that we can give our husbands sex, but we cannot manufacture desire for him. I think this is a multifaceted and very complicated issue.
Our sex life was great at the beginning of our marriage, and I found him very sexually desirable (he was in excellent shape). Like many people do after marriage, my husband completely let himself go. He is now obese and borderline diabetic, and consequently lasts less than a minute during sex, and his erections are much softer. His penis even appears smaller due to the weight gain. Even after less than a minute, he is wheezing and sweating. I hate to admit that I am repulsed by him. I of course would never say that, but he complains that I don’t seem to desire him anymore. He is unhappy with himself, and is so emotionally fragile that broaching the subject causes him to become very angry and sad.
I have worked hard to maintain my weight and physical attractiveness, and don’t feel like it’s fair for me to do that for him, when he refuses to make any changes to improve our sex life. He also refuses to talk about it in counseling. We both have emotional baggage from our childhoods, which doesn’t help matters. He has issued veiled threats on occasion that he will cheat on me if I don’t meet his needs. I am now incredibly resentful that I am expected to be turned on by and initiate sex with a couch potato.
We as women are constantly reminded that men are visual and have physical needs. Guess what, women are visual and have physical needs too! We are expected to be sexy, but men seem to get a pass. Again, I realize that our issues are not strictly physical, and have deep emotional roots. It is painful for both parties involved. I hate that I have so much power over my husband, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just don’t know how to meet his needs when I am not at all attracted to him, and he is not even willing to discuss it.
The worst part is that very attractive men have been showing me attention lately, and I am really struggling with temptation. We were married far too young and after too short a time, and I am struggling with the idea that I made a huge mistake. The only thing that has kept me in this marriage is the fact that I am a Christian. The guilt is killing me.
Men, I am sorry for your pain. Please know that your wives are likely in just as much pain. I wish you all the best.
(USA) It’s in the middle of the night and my husband and I are fighting about my lack of sex drive again. He is telling me right now that he is going outside of our relationship to have sex beacuse our sex life has been bad for the past four years, basically since our son was born.
I know its my fault, but I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces. He says we are past the point of counseling and he just said if he does meet a girl and we break up he’s not going to have a kid with her because thats a sexual relationship killer.
I just read this article and it all makes more sense to me how he feels. I dont know what to do. I have no one to talk to.
(USA) John, if what you say is true, that you give plenty of attention (the kind ‘she’ wants hopefully) to your wife, and she has sex just to please you, then she is simply not the right one for you, I’m sorry to say. It’s her and not you. She just may be one of those people incapable of enjoying it with anyone.
Otherwise, all this talk, like it’s blaming the female, for the problem, is hurtful. First, I prefer to still call it ‘making love’ (cause that’s what it’s supposed to be… right?) rather than ‘sex’. Some guys ‘do’ get what they ‘want’ (or need) and still don’t care about finding out what she likes or needs and doing that. That’s wrong and very ‘selfish’. It seems like just ego boosting, and that is NOT love (well, maybe love just for yourself).
It’s weird for women to think guys feel ‘loved’ only from a simple single physical act. We are happier with real connections, from communications, doing other things together, hugs, affection, understanding, sincerity, etc. Lots of things, not just one thing. That makes ‘us’ feel loved. If we get that, most women will gladly want to sincerely make love with her man. Of course she generally has to be attracted to him in the first place. It can’t be a one way street. One way streets don’t work.
If love can be shown and demonstrated outside of sex, then sex will be all that much better, but men need to stop taking it so personally when she doesn’t ‘feel’ like it or does it ‘for him’ sometimes. Sex is physical (and emotional and mental) and is a different experience for a female than it is for men. We have to feel ‘up to it’, in the right mood, etc. It’s that simple. It has more to do with how her day went (at work, with friends, all those stresses) than how she feels about her husband. No matter how desirable you are to her, she still won’t feel like sex sometimes. That’s just the way it is. Part of loving her is accepting that. It’s not all about you. She may not be feeling good physically, etc. Your understanding will go a long way.
Also, sex is not a stress reliever much of the time like it is for men. It actually can cause us more stress. Sometimes we just want to sleep. To us, it’s hard to see how sex would be an emotional experience for men too. They always seem to make it like it’s just physical. If a women feels like she is just some receptacle (an object) to put his thing into, then why and how could she be into it? She doesn’t want to feel like that. We are generally the ‘receivers’ of the sex act physically (AC DC), so we can EASILY feel like that sometimes and that turns us OFF.
So you having to do it 24/7 and expecting us to, is not fair, and is asking too much. It’s unrealistic; it makes for a feeling like a robot or machine. People with emotions, go through moods, that is human, and can’t be bothered with some act at times, like anything else, as much as we usually love it and as much as we love and desire our man.
Maybe she can start to feel like doing it more, if he wants to do it less. You can still show and feel desire, love, affection with just cuddling and snuggling together, etc. It doesn’t always and only have to be shown by having sex. We, don’t think like that… why do you? It’s one physical act, that’s all. Men make it seem like it’s SO important and the be all of existence. That’s weird to us and seems to undermine our values in it.
This is just a thought, but if men were able (and allowed) to show feelings and emotions in society and in every day life, like women do, then they might not feel like the only way to allow those emotions out is by having sex. They need to find other ways (not through sex) to let those feelings out. That may be part of the problem. I always thought society should finally let men evolve in that area. They can be gentler and more compassionate in general and not be afraid to show more tender emotions in public even. That, to me, is really being a man, a person, a person to really want to love.
(USA) Interesting all these comments! I have to say that I don’t give my wife any sex, intimacy or love. I really don’t care about her needs, she can take care of those needs elsewhere. I don’t like sex, intimacy or any love, I prefer to do without. I don’t like to be touched by any one even my wife. I make sure to stay away from crowds for fear of touching someone. I break out in cold sweats. Don’t get me wrong when first married we had some sex, may be a dozen times over about 30 years. I treat my wife as a friend. Why we got married I really don’t know, and that’s the way things have gone.
(USA) and she probably is fulfilling those needs elsewhere…
(USA) Hello Paul. I must respectfully disagree that you are treating your wife as a friend. A friend would at least care about the needs of the other person. But I guess that’s easier than actually dealing with your problem and maybe getting to the root of it. I wonder why you got married, too. But if you DO love her, you will nurture her, just as Christ nurtures His church. Love motivates us to do these things.
(USA) “I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.”
For a man to need to hear the HE is the most important thing in anyone’s life is narcissistic, selfish, and greedy. A woman has far more interests than her husband’s orgasms.
(USA) I’ve read all of the above comments from the men. I’d like to put my two cents in, if I may. You guys want SEX. That’s great. So do we. But we’d like a little romance. Don’t let the fire out and the coals get cold. Don’t start an argument two hours before time for bed. Then when it’s bed time want sex when you’ve made me want to choke you a few hours before.
I’ve been married for 17 years. I guess you could say I like the way it used to be… lots of kissing and hugging. Goo-Goo eyes and all. It may sound corny to you guys but to us girls we get a rush. We don’t need porn to satisfy us, we need our husbands. You did it in the beginning. Why put all the blame on us? If you keep up what you did to attract us, we’d still be loving you day and night. Come on guys, stop the whinning and start hugging more, kissing more.
(USA) Lisa, and what about us guys who are doing all of the non-sexualy stuff that you are refering to, not just as a means for sex but because we really want to, and are still getting no affection or intimacy? My wife would rather sit in her corner of the couch every night and read a book for hours rather than initiate any sort of affection or physical contact. Unfortunately, in addition to keeping track of birthdays and wedding anniversary dates I now keep track of another less celebrated anniversary, it’s the last time we had sex date, and it’s coming up on three years.
I seriously am not sure how much longer I can take being ignored. I have had countless talks with my wife and write her letters all the time about how I am feeling and how I want to improve our relationship but it never goes anywhere; everything stays the same. I can relate to almost all of the previous posts from all of the other men who are in the same boat, some of their posts could have been written by me word-for-word!
I don’t know what the secret is to breaking down the walls that she seems to have put up. I’m trying everything but nothing seems to work and to her it doesn’t seem to matter. The dillema is that I got what I wanted, which was her, now I can’t have what I want even though I have it. It’s sort of like walking in the desert behind someone who has a jug of ice cold water but they won’t give you any no matter how dehydrated you are. My wife has what I want and what will rejuvinate me and she knows that I need it but she refuses to give it to me. There is no more frustrating situation to be in!
(CANADA) Lisa, If you were my wife we would have a deal!
(USA) I have been reading al these stories, and must say, that I’m one of those men who is a faithful and loving husband to my wife. I would do most any thing for her. I have been married two times. This is my third. In my last two marriages, the wife departed with another man. I also, to this day, can’t understand how a loving and God-fearing man should have to beg, feel like our heads are ready to explode, giving our all to our wife, and have to beg for what she should give freely to the man she says she wants to spend all her life with.
She says she loves the Lord, tries to honor Him, then makes her husband beg for what she knows is a real need. With all the world falling apart around us, life is so short, how can the women we married be so unwilling to take care of her man? It doesn’t make sense, except she is so selfish, and so uncaring, that the man she says she loves, can blow his needs off, like he is a bother, or a freak. I have the same problem with my present wife. Makes me wonder what God these females serve.
(USA) “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” The first thing one should understand is that the phrase is incorrect. It should read: “Do unto others as others would have done to them.”
Interesting facts to ponder: Despite the fact that the single greatest stress to marriage is infrequent and inconsistent physical intimacy (almost always with the wife ‘controlling’ the situation), the overwhelming number of divorces in the US are initiated by women, even if they aren’t the first to file the paperwork.
Jewish couples have the highest divorce rates. Protestants as a whole have a higher divorce rate than any other Christian denomination. Lutherans have the second lowest. Catholics have the lowest divorce rate among Christians.
Some Catholics are still taught that physical intimacy in marriage is a sacramental event that cannot be denied by either spouse except under specific conditions. Until recently violating this teaching was grounds for annulment, even after years of marriage.
Atheists have a lower divorce rate than any religious group studied (very low population groups were not studied). The plurality of atheists in the US are well educated, economically successful former Catholics. Atheism is the only ‘religious’ group composed primarily of those who would have self identified under a different category at an earlier time – they are probably more likely to have deeply considered their beliefs (even if you think they are wrong) and their nature as human beings than they majority of other faith groups.
Christian ‘friendly’ politicians continue to flip out about homosexual marriage, but no fault divorce is NEVER mentioned by politicians. Ronald Reagan signed California’s no fault divorce into law when he was Governor of CA.
Women are not “naturally” monogamous. They are naturally hypergamous -their natural tendency is to desire multiple men, but just one at a time. It is perfectly natural for a woman to lose desire for her husband over time, especially after having children. It is also perfectly natural for men to want to copulate with as many women as possible and to spend all the money they make on themselves. Men understand their own natures and are taught (and/or forced) to learn how to control them and even channel those energies in more productive ways. Women don’t understand their own natures (due to the weird modern combination of feminist theory and religious teaching that combines to inform most about human nature). Not only do women not understand why they don’t feel like they ‘fit’ their marriages after awhile, they are never taught how to channel their natures to productive ends.
My personal opinion: Men understand themselves and women better than women understand men, or themselves.
My daughter (and any other children I have) is going to be taught everything above, along with the idea that it is her responsibility to “Do unto others as others would have done to them” within the context of her marriage, should she choose to be married. She will also know that she is only getting one wedding paid for by me and that if she initiates divorce with her husband she will lose her place in my will.
(USA) I think there is merit in some of what you say.
When the day comes and my daughter marries, I will sit down with her and her husband-to-be that he is now part of my family, and always will be unless he dishonours the marriage. I will tell my daughter that if she dishonours the marriage like her mother did to our marriage, I will not do as her parents did and kick me out, but rather her affair partner will never be welcome in my home and her first husband will always be welcome. She will be welcome because she is my daughter, but anyone she takes after betraying him will never be welcome in my home.
That’s how important I think marriage is according to the word of God.
Two become one, and I will continue to treat him as he’s part of my family.
Heaven forbid that should happen, but my concern is she will see her mother’s behaviour and deem it as acceptable.
(UK) Hi Sebastian. I was very interested in your post and all the posts on this site. Such illuminating stuff -I wish these issues were aired and talked about more often. Perhaps our expectations of marriage would be more realistic and we would be more cautious when entering into marriage and have our eyes wide open.
When you say “do unto others as others would have done to them” are you saying treat others the way they want to be treated and try to give them what they ask for and what they need according to their nature? And, if women are hypergamus and not naturally monogamous, does that mean that marriage for life and desiring sex with one man for the rest of one’s life is just not a natural state for a woman? It does seem that women often lose the desire for sex after the birth of children and not only because they are physically and emotionally exhausted by childcare. It almost feels like a chemical reaction, hormonal.
My husband says that, if we think of it in terms of biology and genetics, it is as if women are really interested in sex with their chosen mate in order to create children and then, after that when they are bringing up the children their bodies do not want to get pregnant again so the urge for frequent sex is switched off. But, women do need the man in the partnership to help to raise the children together. A man can continue to reproduce and has a biological urge to do so. Therefore, both parties are kind of trapped in this situation which they did not intend and all kinds of behaviours start to be exhibited -it is sad!
I think it would be a very good idea to teach young people that this is a very common dynamic in marriage. No one talks about this or tells girls or boys about these issues and we are fed such an idealized view of what marriage should be and are then can become horribly disappointed and sad trapped. Sebastian, out of interest, why would you cut your daughter out of your will? Many thanks.
(CANADA) I have a question for you men… When you attempt or DO have sex with your wives, do you go slowly sensing her tensions, and try to alieviate them, calmly and slowly? In your actions, are you showing her that you love her and that she can feel safe with you ? Or do you just get so excited and happy sexually about her body? Are you so happy and fulfiled that your forget to notice her reactions? If so that is why you are not getting sex…
You have to make sure your wife is satisfied and get her to TALK about it afterwards about what she liked and what she needs more. Some women will fake it, which is sad; they are not being fulflled and neither are you. Assure her that you want to please her and make the sex about pleasuring her and exploring pleasure for her. She has not explored or found enough pleasure in sex. If she had, she would want it more, guaranteed. Her emotional and physical needs are not being met with the sex she is having so she may as well not have it. This is why you must pleasure her, yours comes naturally but 95 percent of womens pleasure does not, JUST from someone performing all the motions.
You have to be present, attentive, and safe and caring for her throughout the whole act from the moment you wake up until you have both had your orgasms, and you have to find out how she likes to be touched. If she feels opening up her heart and legs to you to feel really good and be rewarding, she will desire you infinitely. You all must stop thinking that this is a man’s need as well. Women need sex and we need it to be deep, down to our spirits and souls and need it to feel good. We just have more extensive needs, physically and emotionally that often are not met.
(BRAZIL) Well, I just gave up. I live with my wife because of my daughter. That is the only reason. First, to get a little sex once a month was too much for her. One day I told myself: I wil have to solve the problem myself. My wife is not obliged to have sex with me. But I cannot control the desire. So I watch porn, get out sometimes with prostitutes, masturbate, etc.
Unfortunately, nature gave (most) men a higher sex drive than women. So I am a product of nature. There is a way to lose desire. Take the testicles. No other way.
My wife initially found it very weird, my attitude, but I think she is happy now. I don’t bother her anymore (1 year and nine months). I don’t want to separate because I don’t want to be trapped in a situation like this (and I think it is very probable).
(US) I understand the message of this article. I believe my husband and I have a lot of sex compared to many people (2-4 times a week) but this is still somewhat of an issue for him. We have been married for 12 years. We had a talk the other night and he feels like I don’t put enough effort or “surprise” into it and feels like we are going through the motions.
I will admit we are an extremely busy family. I have a full time job, full time college classes, my children are involved in many activites, my husband has a full time job and pursuing another career at the same time. I will aslo agree that the excitement is not what either of us would like it to be but I do want him to feel loved and valued. There are times when a little more surprise could be added but then there are times I am exhausted and still enjoy making love with my husband but it is not all fireworks. I am just looking for some suggestions or advice in this area for those nights. How do you put the fireworks there all the time?
(USA) Face facts men, women don’t really need sex. Sure it’s something they like to do once in a while like go to the themepark, but it’s hardly more than once a month. Now, I’m speaking in general terms, but for the most part, they don’t care and don’t need it.
Forget what Brigz is saying, he wants you to worship your wife from sun up to sunset in order to have sex…is that really worth it? Women have their own agenda and sex isn’t a penciled in priority.
(USA) Hello Soulman! I would have to say that in my humble opinion (and that’s all it is) Brigz is closer to the truth than you are. It sounds like you may be harboring some resentment. And it also sounds like you may have reason to, so I’m not slamming you, Bro. But the fact is that the Bible is very clear about our role in marriage. And “one up” manship isn’t an endorsed strategy. It’s so easy to take each other for granted.
I am in a situation where my needs are rarely met. But I don’t take it personally. (That doesn’t mean it doesn’t take its toll on me or that I like it this way… Trust me! I don’t!) If she was giving other people what she won’t give me that would be different. But she isn’t. She loves me and she respects me. I have learned to check myself when I feel like I’m starting to shut down.
Payback is not constructive. We must hold our wives in honor and high esteem even if they do not reciprocate. It isn’t about my wife… It’s about my commitment to doing what Christ teaches us to do. IE: Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; This means that in all things we must be good husbands. There are no qualifiers like “as long as your getting IT as needed”, or disclaimers like “unless she’s a cold fish in bed”. And even if they are unwilling to be the wives we need them to be, the Bible says “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3:19.
Dear Brother, I understand the pain of rejection because I travel that road. I know the depression and the bitterness that take hold. But I refuse to be defined by the actions of another. Rather I do the right thing. And if by chance it “happens”, I respond to the best of my ability. She usually has several “fortune cookies” before I finally have mine. I put her first, even when she does not have the same (or similar) response.
Whatever you do, my bro, don’t despair. None of the problems I have read about in all of these comments is insurmountable when God is involved. His efforts yield results that we could only dream of. (Okay… It’s still a dream for me.. but I know that God is active irrespective of what I may see.) We walk by faith, not by sight, right? We need to be the partner that we want them to be.
I can only hope that someday my wife finally “gets it”. Until that happens I find that focusing on her positive traits and nurturing her as lovingly as I can keeps communication lines open and helps me maintain a reasonable attitude. God Bless you Soulman. I’m praying WITH you, bro!
(USA) Wow! These comments are very interesting. As a 21 year old (Christian), I believe it is ridiculous that some men are putting SEX above everything. God did not create sex to define who we are or who we ought to become. Our identity is in Christ and Christ alone. Do not tell me that you get Confidence, Self-Worth, Love,… from Sex. The Bible clearly states that. “There is nothing in the universe that can separate us from God’s love.”(Nothing- includes Sex.)
Unfortunately, we live in a society that is sexually charged and people are mistaking 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 with sex. If we know who we are in Christ and put God first in our lives, sex will not be a big issue. The problem is that we have put sex above God. I am not surprised!! We are not how we feel, but what we believe.
(USA) Hi Alice. So then do we deliberate over why sex is important or do we accept that men see it differently than women do? If you’re hungry, Alice, are you putting food above everything else? Sex is like that for men. Please don’t tell me that sex isn’t a big issue if Christ is first in my life. I have been in ministry for many years. Christ is why I don’t fool around outside my marriage. You may know what role it has in your life, but please don’t assume that your opinion is a universal truth.
Are you married, Alice? Do you know what it is to have something (very much like hunger) gnawing away at you? Have you gone to bed praying that this would pass? Please don’t ridicule me for having a strong sex drive THAT GOD GAVE ME! I’m pretty sure when our Creator said to “Go forth and multiply” He wasn’t referring to arithmetic. Our sex drive is given to us to motivate us to procreate. And as long as you bring up 1 Corinthians, take a look at 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. What does it say about withholding from your spouse? Or don’t you choose to “believe” that?
(CANADA) I’m with you, Michael. I feel that too many women, unfortunately *especially* Christian women, are uneducated about sexual realities and differences between men and women.
I am a woman and I have never felt that I must only wait until a day when I feel particularly emotionally connected to my husband before I will have sex with him. Sex is a way of getting emotional connectedness, and it’s the perversion of the world that has made it out to be an animalistic genital act.
Even in the purely physical-needs aspect of it, if a child is hungry for food, will a mother feel ‘made used of’ if she has to spend time and energy making a meal for the child? She may not feel all loving about the child especially if the child has just misbehaved, but if she refuses the child food, that’s abuse if you ask me.
Same for sex. There’s something wrong with a wife emotionally if she feels made used of when she provides a physical need to her loved ones. Of course, if the loved ones are constantly abusing her in return, like if the kid constantly sasses her and pushes her around, then of course she will feel ‘made used of’ if she has to provide for his food at his beck and call. But unless that is what the husband does to her, it’s perversion to see providing sexual needs to one’s spouse as ‘dirty’ or demeaning.
(USA) Hi Jamie. Thanks for the reassurance. Frankly, I feel like I may have been a little tough on Alice. It’s hard to appreciate the inner workings of a marriage from the outside and only 21 years old. It’s one thing to be lonely (or incomplete). Christ certainly fills this role. But it’s quite another to feel a huge distance from the one you committed the rest of your life to when she’s lying there in bed beside you. It’s not so much sex as intimacy… emotional oneness, right?
I came across a great book the other day. It’s called Sex and the Supremacy of Christ
by Piper and Taylor. I haven’t finished it yet but from what I’ve seen so far, it’s right on. Looks like a good book for a couple to read together, like Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
by Eggerichs.
The situation between my wife and myself had been gradually deteriorating. I had withdrawn from making sexual advances because I had a tough time with rejection. I still tried to be loving and “a good friend”, but she knew I wasn’t happy. She finally came out of her comfort zone enough to really discuss it, rather than dismiss it… Things have been much better since. I guess we’ll see. Knowing that God is in control makes a huge difference. I could learn to live without sexual intimacy, I suppose. But it would be tough. And it would be unthinkable to do it without Christ.
(UGANDA) My opinion on the whole matter is, do unto others as you would like done unto you. Meaning, that men feel that sex for them is very important and they want it whenever they want it, so to be fair and to do unto others as we want done unto us, then men start loving your women, show them you love them because this for women is very important as much important as sex is to you.
Ladies, don’t be decieved by anyone and anything if your man man wants to cheat, he will, regardless of the number of times you have sex with him. All the respect you give him, if he wants to cheat he simply will cheat. And that’s a Fact, not an opinion, it’s a fact!
(USA) I’m a Christian. The apostle Paul wrote that it’s better to be married than to burn with lust. What did this unmarried man ever know about it. A married Christian man such as myself, can still burn with lust and be sexually frustrated. I’m a married man who has two kids. One girl is almost 4 and the other one is 1.5 years old. Either my wife has a headache, she’s not in the mood, she’s tired, or usually the case is that the kids get in the way i.e not taking naps or being stubborn about going to sleep at a descent time.
I never thought that once I got married that a lack of sex (which God himself says is holy in marriage) Would ever be an issue. God doesn’t want us to be led by anger or any other emotion. God wants us to be led by his word and his spirit. Whether the wife is in the mood or not, shouldn’t matter. She’s to honor her husband and God’s word. If a woman has an issue with a husband’s sex drive, she should take it up with God, after all, he’s the one who made it in the first place.