Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) Why do woman try so hard to get men to marry them? My wife promised me every fantacy in the book for me to marry her. When we did finally marry she did not fulfill not even one of my fantacies. Now after 12 yrs married and 2 kids later she is a total cold fish. I wash dishes, clean house and do laundry, plus I work 60 hrs a week.
I have to beg her for sex and she sometimes will give me 5 minutes. If I can not finish in 5 minutes she is huffing and puffing and at around 10 minutes she will just get up and leave the room. I have to finish myself most of the time. I have two kids what should I do??? I am 5ft 10 and 190lbs. I work out and get offers from other woman for sex but I love my wife and just want her to want and need me for sex. What should I do???
(UGANDS) John, you my brother, have a problem. You are using God’s word to make your wife feel bad and the good Lord does not want that. I am really not surprised that your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s your attitude. You have an attitude problem. You only use God’s word to push your own issues.
The Bible says you must live with your wife in an understanding way. You obviously aren’t doing that. Next, the Bible says you must love your wife as Christ loves the church. Are you doing that? Is your attitude and treatment towards her, the reason you are not getting any?
You need to start praying to God. Do you pray with your family?
(US) I understand what the article is saying… but he makes me feel like he only married me for sex. I don’t like being made to feel like that’s what I’m good for. Nor does it make me feel any better to know that if I don’t, then he’s feeling rejected and will soon become depressed.
What about me? Seriously. I want sex, but not everyday of the week. What is there to be said about the man who has to have it everyday and if he doesn’t, then he gets mad and throws fits?
(MY) I like this article. I’m looking for more articles like this that mention about Men’s needs… but this is much better because it relates with Christian living. I want to meet my husband’s need in proper way (in Christian ways). Sometimes he’s also not sure about his priority need so it’s hard for me to understand or fulfill his needs to show that I love him and he is my everything.
We are 9 yrs married with 2 kids 5 and 3. Most of the time before this, I neglected him in bed or touching me when I’m emotionally and physically tired. But that’s the end of it. I’m sad knowing that what I did was actually REJECTING him even though I didn’t mean it.
So from now on, I will make sure my husband’s need is met. If not all the time, but at least most of the time :) I love to make him feel loved and boost his confidence. I love my hubby and will do anything to show him that.. :)
(CANADA) I feel it’s important for wives to “initiate” sexual contact once in a while (at least once every 2 weeks if you ask me :-D), beyond meeting the husband at his desire level as much as possible.
That’s incredibly important for the husbands in terms of feeling “wanted” as a man, by the wife. Affirmation of the male identity is VERY big for men. And if he doesn’t feel wanted “as a man” by the wife, it opens him to very strong temptations that are thrown at him from so many other directions.
Wives, here’s a bit of exercise in imagination just to help you to know what things feel like for the guys. If a husband is rejected by his wife in bed, it’s like how terrible the wife would feel if her husband tells her she is fat. How easy would it be for the wife to overlook that or to forgive him then???
(CANADA) In a Christian marriage, you can’t get many things that are more important than sex is to a husband, for the simple reason that sex is one of a few things that he can rightly get from only his wife and no one else. (Another would be children.)
Clean clothes, a clean home, good meals, a good upbringing for his kids, even words of respect and affirmation for himself –he can get all these from other sources, and legitimately so too. But as for sex, only his wife can give that to him, as a Christian man.
Therefore wives, know the right priorities as a wife. Know your power, and don’t abuse it.
And as for WHY men must have this thing called testosterone that gives them such strong sexual drives… go and ask God Himself!!! Men themselves can’t answer that, frankly! Many men have said that when they reach the ages of 30 or 40, when the sex drive becomes less rampant then it was when they were around 20, they are actually RELIEVED.
(UNITED STATES) I don’t have a comment but rather a question. My husband and I married 11 years ago and recently split (which I am faithfully praying for God to restore) but anyway, when we together we pretty much only had sex or intimacy like once a week, even as newlyweds. And this other woman he claims to love and has allowed to live in our house and moved our boys out of their room and took it over with her.
Well anyway, they have had sex on a nightly basis except when she is in her time of the month. So I wonder why would he do it with her all the time but not with me even though I tried? I am so curious as to what would create this and this bugs me at times to no end.
(USA) I love my husband, I do. But after giving birth to two children, sex is just not the same for me anymore. I am numb in that area. I don’t know what it was that the doctor did to “fix up the area” after the deliveries, but it has forever altered my sensations. It doesn’t bother me at all but it bothers my husband a lot. No matter how much I show him that I’m “engaged” in the act (as so many have said that is what they want to see and feel) he still knows that the sensations aren’t there for me. If climax doesn’t happen for me, he feels like he failed.
So, because I don’t want to feel guilty for not being able to feel something that he wants me to feel, I am just not interested in sex anymore. It is too much work. Too much to prepare for to just get through. I just don’t care about it at all.
For him, sex is so important and I have never understood why. Even after reading this article I still believe it to be more about the actual act than anything else. I mean, how often is enough to feed a man’s emotional needs? Once a week? More? And then afterward, it’s back to the yard work, or to work in the garage, or to watch TV as if he got his piece of candy (which is all he really wanted) and now he’s a content and happy little kid. Forget everything else.
When do my emotional needs get met? Why is it so important that the husband feel all this love and want and need and connection from his wife through sex, but it’s not as important to him to make his wife feel just as loved and wanted and needed and connected through non-sex? It all sounds like a double standard. If a man really loves a woman, he wouldn’t make sex the guage to see if she really loves him. That sounds like something a teenage boy would say.
But, I’m not like most wives. I wouldn’t blame my husband at all for seeking this need outside our marriage. Nope. I know, you think I’m crazy, but I don’t think so. I think I’d feel like a burden was taken off of my hands. Sex used to be fun, it used to be great. It’s just too much work and hassle now, too much guilt for something I have no control over. I think I’d rather him be happy and getting what he needs than to be sleeping beside me resentful because I don’t enjoy sex like he does and feeling that I don’t love him because of that. If allowing that need to be filled elsewhere will make him happy then I think that is a greater gift of love to him than any kind of sex I could give him now.
(USA) Let me see if I can re-write what you said but changing some of the pronouns and subject to use your way of thinking, but as if a man, such as your husband, were saying it:
I love my wife, I do. But after giving it all, working two jobs, conversation is just not the same for me anymore. I am numb in that area. I don’t know what it was that happens at work, but it has forever altered my need to communicate. It doesn’t bother me at all but it bothers my wife a lot. No matter how much I show her that I’m “engaged” in the conversation (as so many have said that is what they want to see and feel) she still knows that my mind isn’t in it. If I don’t seem excited and interested in the conversation, my wife feels like she’s failing.
So, because I don’t want to feel guilty for not being able to get excited about something that she wants me to feel, I am just not interested in talking anymore. It is too much work. Too much to prepare for to just get through. I just don’t care about it at all.
For her, talking is so important and I have never understood why. Even after reading this article I still believe it to be more about the actual act than anything else. I mean, how often is enough to feed a woman’s emotional needs? Once a week? More? And then afterward, it’s back to the kids, or to work in the garden or to watch TV as if she got his piece of pie (which is all he really wanted) and now he’s a contented and happy little kid. Forget everything else.
When do my emotional needs get met? Why is it so important that the wife feel all this love and want and need and connection from his husband through conversation, but it’s not as important to her to make her husband feel just as loved and wanted and needed and connected through non-verbal, raw animal sex? It all sounds like a double standard. If a woman really loves a man, she wouldn’t make conversation the guage to see if he really loves her. That sounds like something a teenage girl would say. =======
You can replace conversation with anything that is one of your top emotional needs, and what you wrote is the equivalent of something like this penned or spoken by your husband with respect to meeting your top emotional need.
It’s not about how tired or unhappy or whatever you are, it’s about do you love your spouse enough to accept that he has a top emotional need. It isn’t important to understand WHY it’s his top need, it’s important to ACCEPT what it is, and that a loving spouse seeks to meet their mates most important emotional needs.
If your needs are not getting met, then negotiate for them to be met. But negotiate from a position of love, which is to demonstrate that you have been meeting his needs in a fashion that satisfy him, and you respectfully would like to ensure that he understands and endeavors to meet your needs with the same grace and enthusiasm you lovingly meet his needs.
Did you seriously just equate to a condition that occured after this woman gave BIRTH to CHILDREN with something that happened at work? Dear Lord. In case you didn’t know, a woman’s body can go through serious TRUAMA during birth that can alter how she feels sensations, if there are any sensations.
I don’t think she gave birth to both children yesterday. But let’s say she did. What is her plan to honor her vows?
(AUSTRALIA) I find this article extremely irritating. When I first married my husband I was well aware of how important sex was for him. I dedicated myself to the subject, even showing interest days after the birth of our first child and indulging him after he awakened me during the early collicky days of our child. There was rarely a day when it didn’t happen, often twice a day. I initiated it often too. The days nothing happened was due to his convenience. I definitely made sex a huge priority. It was outrageously often for my own drive -two to three times a month would have satisfied me!
The mistake I made was that I expected that he understood that this was not for free and I was going the extra mile for him. He must have felt that this was my natural drive, not an attempt to keep us connected. I assumed he understood that my opinions, dreams and desires would be respected as I obviously respected his. However, he very rarely seemed to notice that I even existed outside the bedroom.
I am irritated by this article because it makes sex the biggest and most important subject within a marriage. This is man’s point of view -not a complete picture of the joys of family life. If sex is absent, then it is the woman’s fault. If men truly felt empathic toward their wives, then I am certain that wives would return the compliment with loving sexual activity. I know I would have.
We have been married for 12 years now and have sex even less often than would satisfy me. I cannot bring myself to provide something for my husband when he does not care to provide me with any other kind of connection. Where is the balance in this article? A declining sex life is NOT the wife’s fault alone. It is a failure in communication and mutual respect between both partners.
(USA) Just maybe… maybe… could it be possible that some husbands are dedicated to meeting all the needs of that their wives in the way we are called; emotional and physical? And that even when we do this, week in and week out over long periods of time and our sexual needs are not seemingly very important to our wife… the pain is deep… beyond words.
(AUSTRALIA) Ray, I imagine the pain of sexual rejection is deep for a man. I am brought to tears with the awareness of how painful it must be. However, I don’t see this kind of empathy from my husband about his verbal and social rejection of me. The pain of this kind of rejection for a woman is also unbearable.
The tears, counselling, begging and numerous attempts to establish something emotional and deeper between us has been met with silence, absence and neglect. I have wondered whether my husband suffers from social and emotional deficits typical of the autistic spectrum his neglect is so profound. If sex is as important to a man as they say, then surely it would be easy for them to interact nicely with their wives at other times? My husband runs away from emotion, illness, family difficulties and only returns when he assesses that things may be pleasantly superficial. I can only conclude that this kind of behaviour is extremely selfish or disabled in some way.
Just as women find it difficult to imagine that sex is really an emotional and spiritual act for the man, I don’t think men can possibly understand how important a kind and loving word or united view of family and the world is to the woman. I believe I find sex a much more emotional and spiritual act than my husband does, and that he couldn’t begin to comprehend how much it means to me. The pain of suffering life events alone has chipped away at my ability to come to the superficial party he desires. I wonder if men actually respect their own sex drive enough to do what it takes to allow their wives to honour its mystery.
To maintain the sexual excitement early on in any relationship requires brilliant communication and acceptance of life’s difficulties. I have not heard one word of empathy from any male person in this discussion where they have expressed respect for their wives lower sex drive, more delicate physical burdens, or a willingness to undertake equal levels of dedication that would balance his wive’s devotion should she indulge his every sexual whim. Women are very capable of providing for their men and would love to do so, but cannot keep this up indefinitely if nothing is returned.
Currently, I often feel like I am having sex with a ghost when with my husband. I was able to keep up a fever pitched sex life with my husband for three years. That was my limit. Deep down I feel white hot rage towards my husband for letting this wonderful part of our lives wane.
(USA) Kate, I feel your pain as well. It sounds not much different then mine… I didn’t mean to minimize your experiences.
I know beyond doubt that I actively and deliberately try to meet the needs of my wife in all the ways you mentioned… but, I’m sure I could learn more and I want to. God bless you and I hope you find the joy of God’s love in the middle of a difficult time.
(SOUTH AFRICA) This article has helped a lot. It’s nice to see one about guys emotions instead of girls for once. It’s ALWAYS about the ladies emotions. Guys have them too even though we don’t show it. But none the less it works both ways. I spoil my lady and treat her well, though she cannot do the same sexually as she has endometriosis, but that’s what I want her to work on.
I feel like I am just there to provide, and to help her with her illness. To get a kiss (when I rarely do get kissed and not do the kissing), is amazing. I could compare it to sex sometimes; it feels so nice to get some willing physical attention. I felt like a freak, like a nympho, like I am some kind of savage because I have all these emotions every time I get a little hot. But I see it’s normal now.
I would just love some attention. Especially because of the fact that I put so much effort in, I need something back. I am starting to look at other girls and get tempted. This is the last thing I want to do. I love my lady and don’t want to leave her. I hope she understands when I show her this.
(USA) My husband has refused sex with me for 30 years. He say he’s bored with me and sex, so years ago he just stopped having sex with me. He’s not gay or into porn, he never goes anywhere and doesn’t use a computer and never uses the phone. He just wants to be left alone. He must be a very lonely person. I also am very lonely and very hurt by his actions. I’m thankful I have a parttime job so I don’t have to be with him.
(ENGLAND) I like this article. It is very good. However, the fact that mostly men have left comments suggests that many women (on the whole) are just not as interested in sex or simply find it harder to get “in the mood”.
I myself, have failed at marriage because my ex-wife simply lost interest in sex and only involved herself reluctantly. This left me feelling all of the emotions above and at times even dirty as on the few occasions we “made love” I knew it wasn’t genuine on her part. In the end I gave up on the relationship as she also had a no compromise attitude and refused to go to any kind of counseling which led to too much heartache.
Unfortunately, this has left me in a position where I really would like to re-marry but I am afraid something similar may happen again. I must admit I constantly struggle as I have a desire to be with a woman and I don’t think the burn is good for me (including the desire for sexual relations).
I was not an active Christian when I first met my ex-wife but now that I am a new set of problems is ahead of me.
1. I cannot “test drive” a sexual relationship before marriage and I would like to know if a potential wife has the same ideas in the bedroom as myself.
2. How would I have a conversation of such explicit nature as when you get to the nitty gritty it could become offensive or even percieved as un-Christian?
3. Most importantly, would it offend the Lord if I re-marry?
I have heard even worse stories than mine. A family friend of mine got married to a Catholic lady who believed that it was only right to have sex when trying for a baby. She only wanted 2 children and stopped all sexual contact once she had them. She did not tell him about her belief until after they had children.
I have looked in the Bible many times regarding the subject of marriage, sex and re-marraige (among other things) but I still think the marriage system is open to abuse.
In Bible times it was mostly men who abused the laws by divorcing women just to get younger models. In modern times there are women who are getting with men just for money or security reasons, even “so called” Christian women (I’m not suggesting that men have stopped abusing marriage).
When your wife denies you the basic pleasure of sex all these issues cross your mind and you start to wonder if you are being used for all the things you provide her. You never really know if your other half loves you unless she shows it.
I pray that married people who have lost the spark read this and find a way to re-kindle their relationship as what goes on in the bedroom (or not) can make or break whole families. God Bless.
(USA) When we first got married we both had the desire, but now 11 yrs later I don’t have any desire, need, nor want sex ever. After yrs of him treating me and the kids mean at times, has effected it. I would forgive him so many times and give him what he wanted, then the same day he would be mean again and I would feel used, like I made him happy and he still treats us awful.
Now, because this has gone on for yrs I know he won’t change. He is sweet one min and full of hate the next and I have lost desire for him after yrs of this. I have told him how I feel and he will do good for a couple weeks but always goes back to do the same thing. If I don’t have sex with him he gets even meaner so I do it 2xs a week in hopes to keep him calmer. When he wants to he can be sweet often, but I don’t feel he is sincere and know he will be mean again soon. I wish I had the desire for him but can’t make myself feel what I don’t honestly feel. Wish my marriage was better.
(ENGLAND) Mrs O, I feel your pain in terms of your husband being mean to you and your kids. I pray that he is not violent towards anyone. He sounds like a friend of mine who blows hot and cold all the time (he is not violent in any way). My Grandmother is the same way… Your husband may be the same character type which is not uncommon in passionate or impulsive people. Of course, I would suggest counselling for the both of you.
I’m glad to hear that you are still making efforts to have sex with him but as a man, deep down inside he will know that you are not genuine which will attribute to his bad mood swings.
If you want him to change his behavour you may also change too. I’m not suggesting it is your fault but there may be triggers that you are not aware of. All I can say is that in my former relationship I could count on one hand how many times my ex-wife had sex with me in one year. This went on for several years, we have 2 children and my only regret is that I did not have my children with a woman that saw my needs as well as her own.
I was not mean to her and her only reason she ever gave was “I don’t like sex anymore, not with you, not with anyone”. I was told this was a year after having my 1st child.
I translated that as she didn’t care about me or my strong desire for her therefore she had no love for me and all she would do is what she wanted (which was watch TV most of the time).
This left me feeling trapped as my Christian beleifs wouldn’t allow me to divorce easily. I also felt used, betrayed and lonely with all the problems of married life without any outlet.
If your husband feels anything like this I can understand his behaviour as several years later I almost became like him.
My only advice to you is to get counseling for your marraige, work on how you can rediscover love and enjoyment in your sex life with him and do not hold grudges all until the next day, for the Lord will not forgive you if you do not forgive others.
Grudgeful wives often become lonely so you must allow your partner to vent his frustrations without judgment from time to time. Of course if he is excessive or violent it may be in your best interest to leave (temporarily) and seek advice from a professional. Of course letting him know your full intensions (I mean not leaving him permanently unless you or children are in danger) so he feels secure enough to let you go without to much fuss.
Just remember men are just as emotional (if not more) as women are and you as his wife has equal responsibility for his happiness as he has for yours. You must prune his ego with love and make him feel like a King in his house and likewise he must make you feel like a Queen. Be mindful that it is not his duty to act first but the duty of the one who is strongest or better equipped to do this.
I wish I could have prayed to God together with my ex-wife but she was not an active Christian. If you can do this with your husband it can act like counselling in itself as it will make both of you mindful of the things you have and the things you need.
(USA) Thank you for your comment. But when I read it, it feels to me that its full of excuses for his bad behavior i.e. “Your husband may be the same character type” “you are not genuine which will attribute to his bad mood swings.” “Just remember men are just as emotional” and therefore blaming me for his bad behaviour. He is always looking for the bad in everyone, even strangers and his favorite thing to do is give guilt trips everyday about something. But he is an adult and like that old saying goes “you catch more bee’s with honey then vinegar.”
It’s not rocket science to treat others the way you want to be treated or to treat others with love and respect and you get that back. He is jealous of our 4 yr old because I would dish up and serve his dinner (to save me more work) and not do the same for him. He is a fully grown man; he can get his own food! I’m his wife not his maid. I would make his coffee once in a while until he expected it and would complain when I didn’t so now I don’t anymore. Tired of trying.
(ENGLAND) Hello Mrs O. I’m sorry that my words have not reached you in the way I intended. Looking at your reply it seems that you have hung on certain things of which I wrote but there is a balance if you read again.
It’s absolutely true that I cannot make any excuses for a man that I do not know and I wouldn’t even try. It’s just that this forum is dealing with the subject of men’s feelings when it comes to relationships and sex. I was mostly writing about my bad experiences hoping you could find a way with him.
I wrote on the subject because in England there is an apparent void or total lack of respect of what men need but there is a lot of support for women.
The question for me is what makes mens needs less important? This is a general question but not specific to your situation. I did not mean to offend in any way just tried to shed some light on what men go through sometimes. I would not know what to advise, I’m not qualified to do so.
If your husband is truly horrible without any reason or remedy, then you will have to decide on what you must do. It’s just I do not agree with divorce but I understand sometimes there is no other way because selfishness and wickedness can leave no alternative to the person who is most suffering in the relationship. From what you’re saying this sounds as if this is you.
I myself suffered from the actions of my ex-wife and had to free myself from the situation after nine years (7 years married). If there is a way out I pray that you will find it, but please do this with God as He may be able to save your relationship.
Just to add, we all know some people that are very selfish and difficult to deal with but the majority have reasons (truly wicked people are rare). Most often the reasons are not anyone else’s fault so I would not suggest for a second that your husbands actions are your fault. He is a grown person and is responsible for his actions plus I do not know you or your husband so I have to remain nuetral.
As my grandmother always used to say, “there are two sides and an edge to every story.” That’s why I do not judge anyone and certainly not you.
It’s always easier to give advice rather than take it as we are the ones that have to apply the wisdom into our life. I pray that you will find happiness. Best regards, Man of God.
(USA) I’ve been married for 20 years. I am a woman and I LOVE sex. But the last 3-4 years have been really hard on my marriage. My husband has never had a high sex drive…but sex was regular and really good, if not real frequent. He recently tested for low testosterone…he goes for shots, but not regularly enough to see a difference.
He can go for 8-10 weeks and not initiate sex. I tried a number of things. I lost weight. (I’m not that heavy to begin with.) Nothing changed. I buy new clothes…I try to look “hot” when we go out. I had all my bikini area waxed smooth…no comment. I do “acts of service” for him, like ironing all his shirts, or mowing the yard, or baking his favorite pie. We can go out, have a great evening with friends, and he’ll come home and fall asleep. He never makes suggestive comments during the day, or gropes me for fun, or calls me sexy, hot, or beautiful. (I do all of the above to him.)
Slowly, I’ve lost self confidence and feel old, used-up and worthless. When I try to speak to him about this, he blamed me, and said that I was the one not initiating and that he was tired of initiating! This is true…but not because I don’t WANT sex with him. He knows I am willing and able all of the time. But my mind is convinced that he really doesn’t want me…or else, why wouldn’t he start something more often than 4-5 times a year? I don’t need a big production…a “Hey, baby, come to bed, if you get my drift…” would suffice.
We’ve gone around and around on this, and nothing ever changes, it’s just getting worse.
(UNITED STATES) I have read each post here with much interest and now would like to share my story in brief with my brothers and sisters here in hopes it can help someone who is going through what I went through.
When I first met my husband, everything was wonderful, romantic, and very dream like. This is usually how it is for most people who fall in love. We had an incredible relationship and we both felt so lucky to find such compatibility in one another. Within months after our wedding, I became pregnant with our first child. Once our baby was born it seemed as if the intimacy vanished overnight. Baby duties, his job, and my post partum depression all began to build a wall between us and before I knew it, a year had passed by where we had sex only once. I’m not sure where the break down happened, but we went from being incredibly close to arguing, bickering, stressed out, and angry with one another.
I started hassling him because I wanted him to be who he was again, the guy I met and fell in love with. I begged him to show me more attention and affection and love. He just wasn’t feeling it. He told me to back off and stop pressuring, so I did. He sort of began to push me away. After a time, I found out that he was surfing porn. I had sat down to the computer after he left for work and a whole bunch of viruses were coming up on the anti virus. I saw the sites where they were coming from and I was devastated. He lied to me and said he wasn’t looking at those sites, but he was. A month later I woke up from taking a nap and he didn’t hear me walking in behind him and I got to see what he was browsing. He tried to quickly click it away. It all came out that he was just not feeling connected with me and that he just needed to look at sex.
We stayed together … but after this day I started feeling ugly, not good enough, and angry inside for his looking at porn. He began to slowly reach out for me, and then I was the one refusing him. I was simply not in the mood, and I feel I lost my desire for my husband because his porn surfing brought out serious self esteem issues I had been carrying inside.
My refusal to have sex with him went on for years. I’m talking 7 years, with only having sex maybe once or twice a year. He never really pressured me, he never complained, and he just accepted that this is how it was…. UNTIL he got tired of it. And instead of coming to me… he went to someone else and developed an emotional affair with a co worker.
Let’s put it this way, I’m thankful to GOD that HE had his hand in our situation the entire time and watching over me and my husband. Because the circumstances surrounding this other woman, my husband didn’t get the chance to carry out a physical affair with her, but he built up a huge emotional affair for her, and was preparing to leave me for her. Even though she was moving to another country.
I didn’t know about what he was planning. He came home from work one day and dropped it on me that he was unhappy, wanted to leave, and live alone. I immediately ran to God and I stormed heaven with prayers day after day looking for answers because my husband was not giving me the answers. After a month went by I found out about the other woman and everything came out. The other woman made him happy, made him feel like a man again. He felt a connection to her and was wanting to leave me to pursue her. Once she moved away, he began the process of moving too. But God had different plans for our marriage, because He slowly started to turn MY heart around and give me wisdom as to why this all happened to begin with.
It finally came out that he felt lonely, depressed, dead inside, and just wanted to feel in love again. Wanted the passion back that he once had with me. He was certain it was dead, so certain that he had given up entirely on us. I was a woman who didn’t see how important sex was to her husband, and I certainly at times did not care. I stopped caring. I had every excuse to not have sex too. I believe much of it came from his looking at porn and my feelings about that.
In short we allowed ourselves to disconnect from one another… but any woman who thinks sex is not important to her husband is fooling herself. I never understood it until my husband was ready to leave.
God did a healing on our relationship, and he turned both of our hearts back to one another, and helped us open up about everything. Then, we turned to one another and the intimacy has been incredible again. We haven’t even made it to marriage counseling yet. God has been the master counselor here! But we still have plans to go to a few workshops because we still want to keep the fire going.
As a Christian woman, there were many things I didn’t want to do as I felt it was wrong or immodest. But I was so wrong. And he had his wrongs too. The biggest way to heal a relationship too is to forgive. Love fully, then forgive.