Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I am so sorry, but sex and marriage is a give and take deal. Often times men are needy when it comes to sex and affection. Men also get upset if you suggest what they are doing isn’t getting the job done. I am so irritated with men talking about the rejection they feel. What about the sexless wife who has reason to not want to have sex at certain times?
What about her SEXUAL needs? We have them EVEN WHEN WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX WITH OUR HUSBANDS OR ANYONE ELSE. Men make matters worse when they whine, pout, isolate and complain about lack of sexual intercourse.
It turns women off when men act like sex is air or water. Women are no different than men when it comes to sex. We all want it and we want it to be good. We want to feel passion, connection, awareness and love. I don’t want to have tabs kept on the amount of times we have sex. I have been married for 2 years and we have 3 children. We have bills, recovering from unemployment and some family issues. My husband’s so called sexual needs have made me feel like he is not only a sexual bully, but a spoiled brat who needs to grow up and understand what makes women want to have sex. It certainly isn’t being groped and feeling like we have to make sure our men have sex at least how ever many number of times per week.
Sex on tap is wack, lacks passion and quite boring. Needing sex is an illness.
I am a Christian wife and I am over sex as duty and for my husbands ego. OVER IT. GROW UP.
(USA) “DUTY”, do you consider it a duty for him to go to work and provide for your family? You expect reasonable things from him because he is your husband; why should he not have reasonable expectations of you?? If you do like marriage and the way God designed it, talk to him about it. To be frank, with your attitude I will be surprised if this marriage will last, and if you can ever be married.
(USA) @ Shelly, I totally agree to all that you said. You are about the only woman besides myself, who is brave enough and strong enough to tell the truth. We cannot continue to walk on eggshells with men. Someone needs to help us tell them the truth and help them to see exactly how they are in putting their marriages at risk because of sex. We must tell them that they are being spoiled, egotistical, and evil when they turn from their wives because of sex. This is deliberate adultery and breaks on of the Ten Commandments. Women don’t turn from them because of our physical needs. We just feel so rejected and hurt and life goes on. Women have responsibilities to others and do not have time to be selfish and say “what about me?” the way that men do. Sex is not food, nor air, nor water. If you tied a man up in room where he had only a tv, food, water, restroom, and no female contact for a year, would he die? No way would lack of female contact kill him. Men just get so dramatic and hung up about sex and pretend that someone has cut off their leg if they do not get sex. It’s kind of the way a small child throws a tantrum, when he can’t get that candy bar that he so desperately craves. He craves it, but he can surely live without it.
So many, many times, men, psychologists, counselors, and even some brainwashed women have scolded women about sex and do not scold men. We are both responsible. We cannot continue to go on without pointing these facts out to men. They have got to be told that the sexual stimulation that they so desperately crave is as strong as the woman’s craving for cuddling, romance, affection, and intimate communication. Men, this is true of women. For most women it is as strong as the sexual stimulation you need. And if we are to have sex, you all have got to not be selfish and understand what our body needs. That’s why we reject you, because we hardly get satisfied. We keep waiting until we can get those orgasms like you get so easily. We want orgasms too, but your selfishness blocks our orgasms. Put us first like you want us to put you first. You are not king of the world.
Intimacy and love in a marriage is a two way street. We all should be telling men that women have vaginas and not penises and our brains function differently and we have sexual needs that are hard for a man to satisfy if he does not and are not willing to understand. We should tell men that a woman has some areas on and in her body that needs stimulating and is what keeps us interested in sex. We are not built as simple as you are. Stroke his penis and that will do it for him; no need for cuddling, kissing, romance, sroking, rubbing, and so on. Don’t scold women for being different from a man. We were made this way.
(USA) Excellent article and 100% spot on. I was a dejected/rejected husband of 20+ years. As Christians, my wife knew more scriptures than any other woman I’ve known. The problem? The many times she rejected or merely tolerated my advances.
My story is similar in that it was wonderful in the beginning, and many times over the years she was wonderful too in this regard. Proverbs 31 says “the heart of her husband does safely trust in her…” Therein lies the problem ladies and gents. Is your wife trustworthy in this regard? At the same time gents, we do need to “dwell with our wives according to knowledge” (1 Peter 3).
What does that mean? It means we men need to have the knowledge that our wives are wired differently than we are, including their attitudes toward sex, and that after child-birth their needs more-oft-than-not will decrease. However… If we claim Christ, His very Word commands that a wife reverence her husband, so it would seem that a woman who truly fears God would also reverence her husband in this regard. There are many other scriptures that actually command intimacy within marriage. Do we truly believe Brothers and Sisters?
I loved my wife more than anyone on the planet, and pleaded with her many times about feeling rejected and not respected. She was a good wife in many other ways, but she kept breaking trust and was repeatedly UNFAITHFUL in this regard.
Six weeks ago God took her from me with cancer. My heart is broken beyond words. Turns out she had an unjustified hidden resentment toward me the past several years that also contributed to her negative attitude toward having sex with me. (She confessed this to me on her death bed.)
So you see, here we have a man who truly loved and desired his ONE wife of over 20 years who now has to live with an added broken heart of knowing it could have …and should have been much better. Were it not for the above she would have been a near perfect wife. Words cannot describe my anguish…
I pray those who truly believe will repent if they are withholding from their spouses. If you claim Christ and defraud your spouse of intimacy you are in sin. Please love your spouse.
(USA) There have been perceptive comments made from both sides of this discussion. Let me preface this by saying my wife is wonderful, caring, a great mom and that any problems in our marriage are most likely my fault. I should also mention that I have been nearly this candid with her (not quite, since I still suffer from some issues of pride). I would like to briefly comment on the phenomenon where a man becomes moody and distant when a certain amount of time passes without being able to make love to his wife. I only bring this up to give the ladies some insight into what men (at least some of us) are thinking and feeling.
Mathetes commented that it might appear to be “bratty” and “manipulative” and I can understand that perception. In fact, that may be the closest thing to the truth. However, for some (me at least) the original intent is not manipulation. Usually it begins with uncertainty. Time will pass without a physical connection and the man will start to wonder if he is still attractive or what is wrong with him. I work to push that feeling away, telling myself I am being silly and that circumstances are to blame (busy life, family gatherings, kids activities etc…). Then it changes at some point and my outlook becomes much more bleak. I start to feel ugly, stupid, and most of all weak.
I desperately want to feel strong, desirable and independant and instead I feel repulsive. I want to be self-sufficient. I dont want to need sex, I don’t want to need to feel attractive, I dont want to need anything. But I feel it nonethelesss, and I hate myself for it. That eventually turns to despondence and finally depression. I try to hide it at first. I know that these symptoms and behaviors are very unattractive and only make things worse. I think I manage to mask them for a time. But then my depression (and desperation) gets deeper, becomes transparent, and I know she knows.
My wife is a kind person and when it gets to this point, she usually spends some time with me (I fear it is out of pity, but I know it is also because she cares about me). Barbara, your feelings of being manipulated and coerced are valid. I am sure that is what is happening. However, If your husband is like me, it is not intentional, it is humiliating and it only comes out after he has waged a losing war with his emotions. If he is like me, he hates himself afterwards and wishes he were a real man whose wife wanted him. If he is like me, he wonders what is wrong with him, and if these feelings and emotions are the result of some mental illness.
Again, I need to reiterate that this is not my wife’s fault. She is an affirming person who loves me, the family and always works hard. We are committed to God and to each other. It seems to me that this is about sexual desire and men’s (or at least my) needs. I have it for her, she doesnt have it for me. I dont blame her.
(UGANDA) Now friends, listen to my story, and someone give me a way forward. I’m a Christian wife and talking about sex or no sex, I have gone without sex for at least 2 years and 3 months now.
It all began when my husband started seeing another woman outside our marriage. He told me nasty words, on top of advising me to give my body to some man who wants me. Naturally, I felt betrayed after I offered myself to him for at least 10 years and in the 11th year, I was advised to look for whoever wants me. I guess he was busy comparing us since he had just seen her.
2 years down the road, he comes back demanding for what he abused. The words he spoke to me are still echoing in my ears and the fact that he has another sexual partner with a child (second home) makes me wonder which way to go now. Someone with this kind of life should share with me their experience, to put my steps toward the right way. I’m lonely.
(US) I think this article fails to identify the simple fact that sometimes there are physical limitations that impede a person’s sex drive and that sex for women, when they haven’t been properly turned on, can be painful. Men have an external appendage, like a finger, and how hard is it to poke something with your finger? It’s not.
Taking something inside my body is completely different. If I over ate, feel bloated, have a yeast infection, a urinary tract infection, heart burn, ovarian cysts, anxiety, vulvar vestibulitis, etc, it goes without saying that having something stabbing into my internal organs sounds awful. I have tried to explain to my partner that my biology isn’t the same as his, and that I’m willing to engage in other physical activities, but not always sex.
Men are almost guaranteed orgasm once they become erect. Some adult women have never had an orgasm. If a man wants sex, it is a two way street. What happened to making the woman feel good, too? Sure, I can try to get in the mood, but sometimes, I simply can’t, and if I try to have sex, it hurts, because I am anxious and simply do not want to.
I think that as a woman, I feel equally hurt when I feel that my body is simply a vessel for my partner’s needs and not my own. I feel hurt that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration, and that my man can’t simply take a night off, because that’s what I need. When do my needs get met when I’m exhausted, don’t feel well, feel stressed and just want to curl up and go to sleep after a long day, cuddled up next to the person I love?
Sometimes, I would just like a massage without sex and I would be happy to return the favor, because, sometimes, it’s just simply that sex feels awful and unless I’m into it, I’m not doing it. Why should I engage in something to please my partner when it physically hurts me? Isn’t it enough that women bring children into this world without having to cater to men all the time, too?
I think there needs to be less pouting by men feeling “rejected” and more education on the simple biological difference between men and women and that simply, if a women isn’t turned on, sex sucks and can be painful. They should feel like they aren’t turning us on: because they AREN’T! My guy becomes erect with the slightest breeze and points to it like I should just be ready to go and take care of it. Guess what? It takes me more then, hey, I’m ready, to get me going.
Men are not taught how to please women properly and get them aroused and that is why women don’t enjoy sex and begin refusing it. We don’t orgasm as easily, so if you want sex, help us get there. I think it is a two way street. I can do my part to take care of myself, take care of my body and manage my stress and make time for sex and getting aroused. But, it’s a two way street. The man plays a role, too.
And, sometimes, despite both of our efforts, I simply cannot endure sex. It’s nothing personal. I simply cannot get into it and unfortunately, my body has certain limitations and while I try, sex hurts. This is something men will never understand. I don’t want to do something that hurts, and I would appreciate it if my guy understood that instead of being selfish and making it all about how he’s getting rejected.
Hmmm… his biggest problem is that he doesn’t always have sex everyday… I am cannot get aroused at all sometimes, and sometimes, sex hurts. Who’s the one worse off here? I would give anything to have a sex drive like my man. I hate being a woman, having complicated mechanics, and being told by him and everyone else I should just be pleasing my man, while I cry by myself over feelings of inadequacy because sometimes, I just can’t.
(NIGERIA) What an article. In as much as no one is disputing the differences between the sexes, it behooves every one to maximize their potential. There must be a paradigm shift in our mindset for us to fully access the beauty of our sexes.
I read about a woman who had problem as a housewife washing dishes, etc. after everybody had left the house. She kept on complaining about the situation but that did not change anything. She was ministered to by God, that she was fulfilling her ministry by performing the task. This TRUTH set her free. At the sink, she displayed a write up,’DIVINE DUTY IS DONE HERE THREE TIMES A DAY’.
Balancing the above, husbands (like myself) who have given or are about giving up helping our spouse in the house, making them feel great, because of their continual refusal, should come to term that our homes are WORTH any sacrifice that we make. I believe God that we can do all things through Christ that enables us.
(BANGLADESH) Sex is really important in marriage. I’m married for nearly 15 years and blessed wih 3 kids. We actually have no physical connetion between us. At times she used to call me sex crazy and rejected me all the time. She used to say she is changed because of me, my less attention to her and whatnot.
We were seperated for nearly 2 years when I found that she is enjoying her life with her lover. Now I guess only for the kids we are back together and sleeping in the same bed with our daughter who is 8 now. Even when we are alone we are not close or feeling affectionate towards each other. I guess she had a lover only for the physical need and when she finds out that her lover is more interested for physical needs she also left her and came back to me. We are married, living together but since she is not responding physcally I cannot trust her totally.
(USA) My husband has disliked sex since our wedding night 44 years ago. That was the last and only time we had sex. The following day after he cancelled our honeymoon, he moved all his thinngs downstairs where he has eaten and slept all these years. And the next Monday after we were married, I was informed he volunteered to work the midnight shift, and that his weekends would be midweek. He hasn’t taken any vacation and has worked a lot of his weekends. I’ve been downstairs and he has everything, except a phone, computer and TV.
He doesn’t go anywhere, so I don’t think there is any one else, nor is he gay or into porn. And according to his boss he’s there every day and on time for work.
He just wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I should have left him years ago, but I thought things would turn around. I was wrong and very dumb, and regret every day.
(NIGERIA) Dear DeCaf, I can’t believe you had a sexless marriage for 44 years!!! What comes to my mind? 1. You are lying 2. He is the devil himself. If you are not lying, please do seek help. By prayer and sincerely opening up to a worthy counselor. You need joy even if it is for few day of your life left.
(USA) If I was lying I wouldn’t be here on this site. I like this site I occasionally read all the comments and after reading I don’t feel as depressed as I have for 45 years. I realize I’m not the only one out here that has problems. I say a prayer every night for all the unloved people in the world.
(CANADA) Hi Decaf, I am not sure what kind of help or support you are seeking, but I want you to know that my comments are only intended to be a kind way to offer help or support, or just to chat about it if that is what you are needing. But I would say that there are more abnormal things about your situation than simply not having sex. Didn’t you notice that the situation was completely abnormal many years ago? What did your friends and family say? How can you lead a ‘normal’ life? I’m not following.
(US) I understand all this so well, but as a woman who is devoid of these primary needs. My partner is in love with food, which is very very upsetting. I am very fit and healthy and I feel this should not be happening to me.
(USA) What shouldn’t be happening to you? Every marriage faces struggles and challenges. How are you different? Perhaps your husband is in love with food because it is the only thing in his life that loves him back unreservedly. I am confident that your husband knows intimately how unhappy with him you are, especially when you value your own physical fitness so much.
Love is not expressing caring and joy toward someone just because they are doing everything right. Love just is, and it is an action word. If the two of you don’t reconnect on profound level, the years will bury your feelings toward each other with bitterness and scar tissue. And even if you are still in it, the marriage will be over and perhaps damaged irreparably.
(USA) So I’m hearing that if a woman marries she should expect to fulfill her mans sexual needs. If not then it’s her fault he has low self esteem, depression, looks at other women and can’t get through the day happily. I’m also hearing that if there is not enough sex then the marriage is in trouble or will be.
Very little said about if a women is getting her emotional needs met (to be determined by the women not the man), she is more likely to want to have more closeness. Interesting how it all gets laid on the women having the problem! I agree with Sophie, that if a women’s emotional needs are met she is more likely to be giving in all ways!!!
Also if a women’s sexual need it less than the mans, then why should the women be expected to forgo her need for less to make sure his sexual needs for more are met OR ELSE~! Is it a women’s DUTY to keep a man satisfied?
(UK) In response to Cat and the percentage of women who just don’t “get it”:
The ultimate goal, whether Christian or not, is happiness.
It is absolutely clear if you have any understanding of life, or simply a bit of understanding of men’s psyche/biology through reading these posts, that sex is a critical and central theme in a man’s life.
If a man does not have these needs met, he will be unhappy.
If the man is unhappy in the relationship, the woman will be unhappy.
Women who are unwilling to accept these simple facts will surely win the battle and limit sexual activity within a relationship, but will lose the war: unhappy relationship, infidelity or divorce.
This is the biggest of own-goals that bitter or naive women inflict on themselves and their families. The majority of men on this site are decent people who are being open and honest about the realities. Their wandering thoughts, eyes or dicks are simply a reflection of how strong the “animal instainct” is and how seriously it needs to be taken – in the same way people kill themselves through smoking simply because the rational human simply cannot overcome the chemical urges, whether testosterone or nicotine.
In terms of chicken and the egg, well – except for “bad men” (i.e. the minority), a woman who understands these needs well will be more likely to be reciprocated than a man who tries to connect emotionally with a woman first.
Finally, the attractive/dynamic man tends to have a higher libido. Resenting this libido means resenting the dynamic man. This either leads to a hen-pecked man who loses the respect of the partener (and becomes less attractice, and makes her feel in a lousy relationship = losing the war) or break-up (=losing the war). The happiest relationships I have seen are ones where the woman understands that this basic and irrational need of men needs to be a priority. This leads to reasonable (but often not equally reciprocal!) payback from the man to keep a reasonably balanced relationship.
Be a denier, but you will deny yourself a fulfilled relationship for sure, and a high chance of marital breakdown. Everyone loses, especially you.
(USA) @Happy, what a terrible thing to say to women. And you know what? That means you have not listened to, nor heard anything these women have been saying on this site. This is the kind of attitude that makes the would be loving, men go bad.
God intended for a man to show love and patience to his wife and not, “I’m going to cheat on you because I will die without sex on demand and you have not bent over backwards enough to satisfy my so called unsatiable appetite, and it’s your fault.”
Women reject you all because you nag them and overwhelm them with them and make such a big to do about your penile stimulation, when all this could be solved if you stimulated your woman some and gave her the opportunity to be satisfied.
Happy, stop blaming women for failure in relationships and be abigger person and try to come up with solutions. Help your male gender to realize that a woman has great needs to and that you should not put your needs above our needs. There is balance.
(USA) SHELLY AMEN!!! Tired of feeling likes it’s my duty as a woman!
(USA) I blame the churches and other “Christian ministries” for not fulfilling their obligation in this area. At the end of the day, gimmicks are not what we need– solid biblical teaching and moral courage is!
The teaching of 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, New Living Translation (NLT) 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
“Sex when desired” by either partner: 1 Cor 7:3-4. If your husband wants sex, it is a sin to refuse him. If your wife wants sex, it is a sin to refuse her. Bible sex is always consensual… your spouse asks, and you always say yes. Many a marriage can be saved by implementing this one rule alone. When you get married, you lose control of your body to your spouse. Studies have shown that about an equal amount of married women want more sex than their husbands, as married men who want more sex than their wives desire. It would be nice to match men and women up as marriage partners based upon their sex drive. It would be great. But unfortunately this is often not the case. One partner wants sex more often than the other. In these situations, the partner that doesn’t desire sex must immediately consent to their spouse. Scripture is very clear about this although most Christians have missed this. [http://www.bible.ca/marriage/sex-on-demand.htm]
Of course if you are not a Christian or care to obey God’s command then you will disregard this post. At any rate to disregard this even if you claim to be a Christian is to your own peril. Remember God says if you love Him you will obey Him. I can’t imagine anyone getting to heaven who doesn’t love God. And we all know there is only one altenative destination after this life! Woe unto the teachers who refuse to teach!
(USA) Great point! I do not know if this has been said or not, but as married followers of Christ we have to throw out the term sex and refer to it as making love. The word sex has been perverted so much by the world that it is not something that is looked upon as a form of worship. Sex is a duty and love making is strategic. When couples realize that the best way to worship GOD as one is through love making, there will be so much power amongst the two. When couples are divided because of lack of intimacy, it then becomes a distraction and weakens the couple’s witness.
Because of this tool of the enemy, the couple is not able to help advance the Kingdom. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy and what better way to kill a couple’s passion, steal away their marital joy, and destroy their testimony? Saints we must get it together and take care of the possible (love making) so GOD can do the impossible through us!!
(USA) I’ve been married for almost 30 years. After the birth of our second child our sex life diminished substantially and now, if I’m lucky, we may be intimate once a year (going on 10 months now). Physically, I’m in good health and so is my wife. I hate to say it, but I have quite a bit of resentment towards her now. Depression is nothing more than another day. I’ve thought about divorce, but IMO all that would accomplish is more hurt and pain. I’ve even thought about an affair, but as a Christian that is NOT in the equation. Not long ago she told me she was thinking about me and decided she could be intimate with me once a week. The only thing that happened with that was a comment that maybe I should find someone else. The best part about going home is finally going to sleep at night.
(USA) I wish I had read this article BEFORE my divorce. I honestly didn’t understand how strongly sex was tied to his self-esteem. My husband claimed that lack of sex was THE problem in the marriage. I strongly felt that the other problems in the marriage eroded the sense of partnership, trust, respect and ultimately intimacy. And without those other elements, I just couldn’t enjoy and respond to my husband in the bedroom, and sex felt empty.
We lived a sexless existence for many years before we ultimately split up. My husband was a great guy, and I wished that I had understood more about relationships when I was with him. It may have prevented the pain of being in an unfulfilling relationship, and breaking the family (3 kids) apart.
It is easy to blame the other person and say that THEY aren’t fulfilling my needs. As much as my needs weren’t being met, I should have done a better job fulfilling his needs because maybe in time my needs would have been met as well. Relationships are two-way, and never 50-50 at any given time.
One of the most profound things I read post-divorce is that marriage is 80-20, sometimes you give 80 and get 20, and other times you get 80 and only give 20. Marriage is a living relationship, and about give and take. I also learned that if you don’t communicate your needs with your partner, obviously, those needs will never be met. Forgiveness is also a key element to a successful marriage -both forgiving the other person and yourself. Insight is a wonderful thing, and if used properly, can lead to real change…
I am blessed with a new relationship where sex is a wonderfully intimate, bonding experience. He was also married previously, and thought his sex life was good until the last few years with his wife. We both realize now that we have a COMPLETE intimate relationship, which was what was lacking from the beginning in our previous marriages. We connect on many levels, and our love making is on a different level. Being middle-aged now, the “hot” sex isn’t there many times, but the connection is. That feeling of being wrapped in a warm, comfortable and safe blanket lasts for days. I don’t know how else to explain it.
The highlight of each day is coming home to be together. It is our safe haven. We don’t have sex each day, but we touch each day, hold hands, hug, kiss and yes, snuggle on the couch or in bed talking about our day. It is a connection that keeps us grounded, and helps us get through our days. I am now aware how important this is to a successful relationship, and make it a priority. I know that I have something very special, and am not going to lose it.
(USA) This article, in my opinion, is a must read for everyone in a Christian based marriage. My wife & I were married six weeks ago. We had been dating for 4 years, stopped seeing each other for 2 years (she wanted to see other men) and in November 2010, God got us back together again. In February of last year, I accepted Christ as my Lord & Savior and we decided to remain celebate until we married. This was the best thing that we could have done for our relationship, as it made us focus on the growth of our spiritual & emotional intimacy. We became closer then I could have ever imagined.
We married on January 14th of this year. Six days into our honeymoon, my wife & I had a discussion after having sex and she told me that she has always felt as sex being an obligation in all of the relationships she has ever been in. I expressed to her that I in no way wanted to be an ‘obligation’ to her and that us having sex is one of God’s gifts to marriage (it’s Biblical). I expressed to her that when we were sexually intimate, that this is one of many parts to a Christian Marriage. I expressed to her (& continue to do so) that I love her for many reasons (our connection, being able to be vulnerable to her, our friendship, our ability to talk about anything, etc.)
Then three days after we returned from our honeymoon, my wife told me that she has no sexual desire. She said she loves me, wants me but just dosen’t have any sexual desire (she’s starting menopause). We are now 6 weeks into our marriage and have been sexually intimate 3 times. During a conversation with her girlfriend, one that I was a participant in, she told her girlfriend that she had no Libido and made the comment “sex, really?” This was crushing to me, but being the Christian man that I am, I told her girlfriend “our relationship isn’t based on sex.”
Our relationship isn’t based on sex, but isn’t sex a part of a good Christian marriage? I have tried and love doing the little things for her. I tell her she’s beautiful, sexy, kind, caring, etc. every day. I have told her that I cherish every moment, every touch, every kiss, every look that we share together. I do the little things for her. I have no expectation of having sex, as expectation only leads to rejection & sence of failure.
We have talked about what she might do. I have asked her repeatedly to read Songs, 1 Corinthians, shoot just start reading her Bible again. She says she needs to, but she has not acted on that. I’ve researched hormonal therapy and her GYN doctor perscribed Bio-indentical hormone therapy. She won’t use it for fear of weight gain (she’s a personal trainer and very concerned about her appearence, which I think is an issue in itself). She has said that she’ll do anything, but I haven’t seen any actions. I’ve even discussed that actions are just as important as words.
I long for the physical aspect of our relationship, like when we were dating. I pray that God will call her to action, be it hormonal therapy, counseling, getting back into the Word. I have a love for her that is graced by God and strive to be the man God wants me to be in our marriage. I have no desire for anyone but my wife, yet she has no desire (physically) for me. I have asked her to read this article, as it may lead to some understanding of the male point of view. The biggest thing I am having trouble wrapping my mind around is; my wife of 6 weeks, the love of my life, has no desire (physically) for me, her husband and the Bible teaches us to give ourselves to each other emotionall, spiritually & physically. I pray for God’s grace & strength.
(USA) I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I’m shocked that she deceived you this way (I do think it was deceit since immediately after the marriage her attitude changed or she finally revealed it fully). I used to feel a lack of libido, and I am on bio-identical hormones (just testosterone). I don’t know how safe they are, but after many months, they started working. For some people they work sooner.
I did NOT gain weight and actually, as a personal trainer, she would become MORE fit and trim and have a LOT more energy! Research this and talk to the pharmacist who specializes in them to help convince her. The testosterone helps her GAIN muscle more quickly. You should not have to live this way, and I thank God that after 7-8 years of tension with my husband due to my libido and my lack of understanding about male sexuality he did not divorce me.
Things are becoming better than ever. Please have her read “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus” in the Bedroom for a WONDERFUL description of how men feel. Tell her that SHE deserves to have the joy and fun of sex in her life, too. It’s not just for you, it’s for her.
I wouldn’t let this go on too long without seeing a therapist together if she won’t at least TRY the hormones. What is the downside to just trying it. If she hates it, she can stop. I doubt she will hate it since there are sooo many upsides. I hope this works out soon.
(USA) Suppose a wife suffers from serious pains during sex, as a result of a previous pregnancy? Her husband, out of love for her, tells her that he will go without to keep her from hurting. What are the effects that this will have on him?