Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I got the chills after reading this article. Me and my wife had just had an argument about her being tired everyday this week and not wanting to have sex. After she went to the room and closed the door, I found this article online and printed it out. I let her read it. She says that she understands and she’ll try, but she has said that before. I think what bothers me is that she doesn’t understand that it’s more than just sex. Everything that we do together; talk, laugh, eat, joke around, even hug I can do with some random woman. I can’t, nor do I want to, connect with any other woman the way that I connect with her. It is addicting. Isn’t it suppose to be?
I get that my wife is tired from work. But, before we were married she was tired from work too. It didn’t stop her then. Why now? It used to be important. I just want it to be important again. I find that when she wants to have sex on the weekend or something I feel like an after though. Like, oh well, now that I have time… It seems that most thing are more important than our intimacy.
I feel like no more than a checklist item. It hard to show affection other times after being rejected all week. We have talked about this several times, but the cycle continues. Lower sex drive, lower affection. I love my wife. I am extremely attracted to my wife. That makes it that much harder. How can she expect me to see her undress, dress, shower, and lay next to me day in and day out without wanting to make love to her? Usually I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want to face the rejection. It’s like waiting your whole life for something, getting it, and not being able to touch it. I don’t want to watch porn, but the image of my wife won’t leave my mind until I do. It still leaves me feeling wrong and dirty. I pray she and other woman understand that God made us want each other sexually in order for us to physically and spiritually connect on an exclusive level. It is a part of marriage that separates it from dating. I can tell anyone I love them, but this is God’s created way for me to show you.
(CANADA) Rod, your words are so kind, so understood by this woman. To help, I can tell you from the horses’ mouth that I too, didn’t understand the importance until it was too late for me, for him, for us. You are right, you are so right, let me tell you. But unfortunately I also understand exactly where she is. I can’t explain it any more than that. I was also able to completely put it out of my mind, ‘I love my husband’ so nothing else matters. Well it does, and, eventually, I realized that I needed it again but by then it was too late.
I am trying to figure out what to tell you so that you can explain it to her and the only thing I can think of is get her to read “50 Shades of Grey” -apparently it works LOL -just kidding. I don’t know what to tell you, making a woman want to make love to you is a very, very tricky thing. I am so touched by your wanting your wife and being attracted to her even though she doesn’t want you. All I can say is, this woman understands. The other thing I can tell you is, the more time goes by that she goes ‘without’, the more difficult it will be. But I don’t know what else to tell you. Try candlelight dinners, try whatever worked in the old days, write her a poem, take her to New York for the weekend. You need to make her feel romance again, as if she never met you. Good luck.
(USA) Touching to me too, my husband wanted an excuse to sin and it was painfully obvious. In the mid-life men often have ED issues is they do not have sex often, I get that and he did and that makes them hostile and deeply damages their ego because they’re listening to the Players bragging about all the different women of the married 40 years claiming they get it every night when the wives say “not so.” He lays back in the recliner when he comes in, eats, showers and snores. But men and their egos start wars, ruin families, road rage, you name it. Look at Adam, PRIDE.
Now that my husband cares, we are active. I want it more than he does but I didn’t run around and I have been almost 10 years (out of now 24) feeling like a toilet. He had problems with the one(s) he cheated wth, I hope that means he’s saved but he never had that with me and now that he cares for my needs, I’m ready. I put up with so much from him, I really do wish he would go for all the damage he’s done. I will never trust him again and I’m tired of all he’s done to this family. I hang on because the devil has taken so much already.
We are all so broken and I know there is “More” and God will reveal it as HE always does. I’m just waiting. My husband is hoping it will all just go away but God say our sins will find us out. He must confess. I wish someone could get that through his head. He’s kept us under the devil with his lies for so long. Please do pray for us.
(USA) I have read so many of these comments- and I am in the very same place, except genders reversed I am a woman who is constantly rejected by her husband.
Though he has struggled with being bi polar I try to work with him through it. I have been with him every step of the way, encouraging him to keep working and believing having a happy life can be achieved. I try to be sweet, attentive and hard working. When I am rejected by him I often leave the room in order to recover. I try not to make desire and the value of myself interchangeable. I convey to him that sex is an act of love for me. That I need is touch in order to affirm his love, but that somehow, it is skewed to be something shallow and just for “getting off purposes.”
Our emotional state, though not as bad can be troublesome with his bi polar. This leads to times where he treats me with indifference, annoyance and I feel he emotionally ‘checks out.’ I don’t believe he’s cheating and I know I make efforts to be appealing. I don’t mean to sound arrogant or self centered, but I am young, and often hit on. And ironically, the desire expressed by other men, I wish I saw the slightest in my husband.
What hits me hardest when I try to satisfy myself while thinking of his touch; knowing that he is in the next room and just not interested. It brings me to tears and makes me feel pathetic.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I am 33, have been married for 4 years and have known my wife for 11 years. I fell in love almost as soon as I saw her and developed a very strong emotional attachment that has grown stronger over the years.
From the outside, everything about the marriage looks great; we are best friends, we do everything together, our families are like best friends and we share a common interest and outlook on life. However, she has always struggled with intimacy. After the first year, sex became more and more infrequent and by January this year, it was on average once every 3 – 4 months. She has always put it down to very low or no libido. This has made it very difficult to tackle as I believe it’s not her fault, so for a long time I have been telling myself to ‘put up or shut up.’ I have never had an affair as I love and respect my wife too much and I know that she loves me in return. She is very dependant on me both from an emotional point of view and a financial point of view.
9 years ago I used to ask frequently for sex but over the next number of years I got so hurt by rejection, I stopped asking. I have wanted to feel desired for so so long but I can honestly say she has never asked me for sex and when we have had sex, it has felt forced, clinical and unemotional. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t like it. It feels insulting and hurtful. To compensate for the lack of intimacy, I have turned to internet porn (softcore!) to release some pent up frustrations and tensions. It has the opposite effect. After looking at these images, I feel guilty, deceitful and worthless. Pornography is a one way exchange. It’s like hitting a tennis ball off a wall and the wall will never love me back.
I have confronted her many times about the issue and I have received the same response: ‘I don’t get the urges, I never think of it, I don’t have any libido.’All of this has had a catastrophic effect on my mental state. The future feels hopeless, devoid of joy or optimism. I have been taking anti depressants for 2 years and have seen therapists to help me cope.
She has always been quite negative about seeing a specialist to help her with any underlying problems. However, in January, she agreed to see a sex therapist with me. We each had our profiles taken and the therapist noted that my wife is a very private person, who has always seen sex as something which is a bit dirty and invasive. She also noted that there was no history of abuse or forced sexual experiences. The therapist asked if there were any other examples of a lack of desire/interest and I noted that there were many occasions in bed where I would try to wrap my arm around her and she would subconsciously push me away.
The more therapy sessions I did, the more resentment I started to feel for why we were there in the first place. I did not need therapy to love my wife, whereas she obviously needed it to feel physical attraction to me. The therapy has not brought me closer to my wife. It all feels so mechanical, always to a timetable, never spontaneous. If anything, it had alerted me to the fact that there is something seriously wrong with our marriage and hoping that it will correct itself with therapy feels fairly futile. Years of unhappiness culminated in my asking to end the marriage 3 weeks ago. It has been a truly painful and bitter experience. My wife is devastated as am I. We have spoken about possible reconciliation on the condition that we both see therapists: for her to see if there is anything that could be done about her libido and for me to help me better deal with rejection (from time to time). This does not sit easily with me as if I deal better with rejection, it gives her reason to continue in the ways which have brought us to this point in the first place.
I still love my wife, although it is through a haze of resentment. She is extremely hurt and rejected at present and therefore harbours quite a lot of resentment too. I married my wife with an open heart, marrying above all for love, but it had been an unhappy marriage which has made me a very unhappy person. I feel very bad for saying this but the prospects of a divorce and a new future has given me a glimmer of light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.
(IRELAND) Hello Larry –as I guy I read your post and completely understand your pain. Your story shares so many similarities with mine –the one noticeable difference is that I do have regular sex with my wife. The point is that it is completely shallow –there’s clearly a quota that she’s working to every week. Every time we do it she wants it over and done with as quickly as possible, and there’s little excitement, variety or innovation involved. I thought that my requirement for sex was a physical one, and could not understand why I’ve been so unhappy for so long until I read the article. We have physical sex, but we don’t have emotional sex. She has sex because she feels that it’s her duty in doing so. I feel thoroughly rejected and guilty for using her body.
Reading the posts of others, both men and women, has helped me appreciate what we as men need on the one hand, and what women need on the other (although I’m sure that I have more work to do on this front!). I’ve read so many self-help books on the subject of relationships, marriage, sex etc –and have agreed with everything I have learnt. But this is the first time I’ve really been taken to the root of what I suspect is the cause of so many marriage problems. I now ‘get’ my problem, our problem, and the proverbial light bulb suddenly went on shining brightly with hope. I showed the article to my wife of 14 years hoping that it would help her understand me, my needs etc, how satisfying my emotional needs would in turn help me to satisfy hers, and create the virtuous circles that happy couples talk about. I’ve been gutted to have the light of hope extinguished by a seemingly complete inability to really read it, learn from the points that are made, and an unwillingness to make any requisite changes.
This is my story. I’ve known my wife since university. She was beautiful then, she remains so now. She is bright, articulate and popular. I fell in love with her the day that I met her and I haven’t stopped loving to this day. I have no doubt that I will love her to the day I die. As with most couples, life has thrown at us its various challenges and setbacks, but also the finest gifts we could hope to receive –we have three wonderful kids and we all enjoy good health. I have no doubt that anyone looking from the outside would imagine that we have the perfect life –wonderful family, nice house, successful careers etc. They don’t see the void that exists though. It’s a void that has consumed us.
I’m self-employed, and work extremely hard to provide for my family. I don’t mind doing this – I enjoy my work and over the long term it pays well. It’s sales-related, however, and whilst pay days are handsome, they come around infrequently and with no guarantee. It will have been nearly a year since my last one. There are plenty of knockbacks along the way. Most days I get up at around 5 am in order to get back to the coal face as it were. Maintaining an outward appearance of confidence and control is challenging to say the least, and given the erratic nature of the triggers on which I can base my success and self-belief, I will be the first to admit that I need emotional support to do it. The challenge is further exacerbated by our home life –our house continues to be an ambitious renovation project, and whenever I’m not working on the business I feel under a lot of pressure to work on the house in order to meet requisite deadlines. I therefore have very little ‘me’ time, or indeed time for my friends or wider family. In fact, the strain of holding it all together has been so intense that relations with friends and wider family can often be strained –quite simply I have not had the time or patience that they all deserve and it has been remarked upon.
My wife also works in the business, albeit a different arm of it, and I do my utmost to support her within it. I also do my best to support her at home, and take an active with the kids etc. I think that I’ve been emotionally supportive of her, but I’ll be the first to admit that for a long time I struggle to be romantic –the resentment towards her that has built over many years now inhibits this.
At an emotional level I feel that the relationship is totally one-sided. That is not to say that she doesn’t love me –I know that she does –but she simply can’t give me the emotional support that I want and need, and what kills me is that she seems so unwilling to even try. Every time I try and talk to her I’m met with an impenetrable wall of denial, debate and mitigation that I feel helpless to make any points stick. I’m sure that I’m not the best lover in the world –but it’s not though lack of trying. I have continually asked her what she likes, what I can be doing better. I’ve bought instructional videos in the hope that we can learn. I’ve encouraged her to masturbate in order to learn for herself what she likes, I’ve bought sex toys to experiment with (that start collecting dust the day they were received). I’ve even suggested that we seek professional help. Nor has my search for a better understanding of her wants been limited to sex –on countless occasions I’ve offered to be her ‘slave’ for a day (so that she can order me to do exactly as she pleases over the course of a 24 hour period) in the hopes of learning and being a better partner.
This article, and the subsequent posts by so many, provide the clearest roadmap to my soul, the most effective solution to all of our problems, and yet her reaction to it is one of ‘well, none of my friends like sex either’. This article, together with the myriad of others about the subject, makes the importance of fulfilling sex within a happy marriage so abundantly clear. Given its importance in general, how vital it is to me personally, the cost both financially and emotionally of divorce, and that fact that so many women do indeed find it pleasurable and rewarding, I SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY MY WIFE SEEMS SO UTTERLY COMMITTED NOT TO ENJOY IT – indeed without even trying to make it work.
I feel thoroughly rejected, empty, and low. Any feeling of self-worth has evaporated. I’m now completely withdrawn –I’ve moved into the spare room and can’t bear the thought of even talking to her. I’m devastated that our marriage has come to this –devastated for me, for the kids who deserve so much better, for her, and for all of the other stakeholders to our marriage who have so much invested in it. I’m heartbroken. I’m now seeking affirmation and comfort elsewhere.
Freddie, Obviously, you’re not approaching any of this as a Christ-follower, because those that do, don’t allow themselves to believe that just because you are hurting in some area of your life (and yes, this is a big one), that it’s permissible to do that which you shouldn’t. I can see that you have fallen into believing the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. I’m sad for you, on so many levels –sad, that you’re hurting and feel disconnected in this area of your married life… I do feel bad for you about that, and also that you would lower your standards like this. There’s something to be said for those who decide not to go the cheating route, even if no one else finds out about it and even if that is a “solution” others make possible for them.
Most likely, however, this will eventually come out into the light and be exposed in some way if you find ways to seek “affirmation and comfort elsewhere.” The Bible says “sin will find you out.” I’ve seen that to be true over and over again. That which we think we can do in secret has a way of being exposed for others to find out about in some way.
I’m also sad for your wife –sad, that she is missing out on the deeper intimacy she could receive from you if she just opened up her heart and mind to connecting with you physically and emotionally on a richer level. But I’m especially sad for her that her husband will now seek affirmation and comfort elsewhere. This will forever change her life and hurt her deeper than she could ever imagine in the future when it comes to the light. It will also hurt the hearts and minds of your “three wonderful kids” once they realize that their dad has decided to cheat on them as a family and is showing that integrity is important as long as it isn’t too uncomfortable — then “seeking” other alternatives is a choice to take.
Freddie, I’m not writing this to throw stones at you, but rather, I’m hoping that you will realize that the comfort and affirmation you’re seeking will have a false front to it, and while you will find some satisfaction in it, there will be an even deeper price to pay that “fighting the good fight” and being faithful to the end. I hope you will reconsider the choices you will be making. I pray wisdom and grace for you.
(USA) Hi Cindy -many thanks for your sensitive comments. I hope that you will be somewhat relieved to learn that I am not talking about physically cheating on my wife -my values would not allow this. I am talking about emotional support, however. I stopped talking to my wife a few weeks ago -there is so much resentment and hurt, that, combined with her inability to understand or validate my feelings, I simply can’t face her.
I am doing exactly what I said – I am seeking affirmation and comfort elsewhere, with friends, family and counselor -all strictly legit and non-sexual. I am a very old-fashioned and proud man, and opening up my heart to others in such a deep and personal way is something that is very difficult for me -it is something that I would much prefer to be doing with my wife, but any environment of trust and security have been too badly eroded over the years to allow this. I hope that this allays your fears and that I am still destined for heaven?
Hi Freddie, Thanks for clarifying this. We come across so many that choose to cheat in immoral ways that I guess I’m on the alert a bit more than others. How I hope for you and pray that somehow in the future your wife has an “ah hah” moment and begins to trust you on a deeper level so that together you can build relationship bridges, rather than walls in the your relationship –sexually, emotionally and spiritually.
Just make sure that you continue to guard your heart. The enemy of our faith is clever and there are women out there that see a good man and want him, and know how to get him. You are vulnerable because of what is happening in your home. Just be on the alert. And please know that there are women like myself that notice when a man is one of character and integrity, even in the face of adversity. We appreciate you –truly. It’s men like you and like my husband that has restored my trust in men. I didn’t trust men for many, many years of my adult life because of certain victimizations I suffered through because of certain men in my life. But because of the integrity and love and grace my husband has shown and given me, and other men of good character that I have observed, I can now see that those were warped men and not all men are warped sexually. And not all women are good, hence the warning to guard your heart. We live in a fallen world and it comes to fall into our laps at times. I pray strength and help and hope for you.
(IRELAND) God bless you Cindy -I greatly appreciate your kind thoughts, concerns and words. The world would be a much better place if there were more like you taking such a positive role in society -keep up the good work!
As for me, I too pray for that ‘ah hah’ moment you describe – I would dearly love to tear down the walls and pray for God’s guidance and strength in my endeavor, and that He may show us both the path to a brighter future. Thank you so much again for your support and wise words -I really appreciate it.
(USA) I am almost 55 and my husband is 50 and we have been married almost 5 years. We have been separated almost 8 months and I have been reading this. My husband is a loving man and a lot of fault falls with me. I have suffered major depression all my life. There have been more times now than I can count that I didn’t open my eyes and see this. We have just started talking again and as I read this I see things from my husband’s side that I didn’t want to see before. But I can see where I should have done more to take more care of myself as well as him.
So in the last few days honestly, I am praying more for God to HELP me take better care of myself so that someday I can take better care of my husband. Major depression is not something to mess around with because it makes you someone you don’t want to be. So I will ask for prayers for us both to deal with the depression we both feel for different reasons and for God to lead us back to each other. We both have grown children from different marriages and we have grandchildren so I want to start our marriage over as our 5th anniversary is next week. We both need prayers and I am thankful that I found this and read it today.
(U) Well, I have to say, as a spouse who simply doesn’t need sex in the same way my husband does, in fact, I have said if I never had it ever again that would be ok with me but I know that is not the case for my husband and take that into account. Whether it’s a husband or wife, if the personal need is not there, it’s just not there –and there may be nothing wrong (physically, medically or emotionally) with that person at all. It could just be how that person is wired, and it would be extremely unfair and unloving (not to mention completely unrealistic) to demand the spouse try to change his/her needs. Which doesn’t mean they shouldn’t also work to meet the needs of the spouse who wants/needs more sex –though there is a balance.
In fact, if a person’s personal need for sex is not very high but they do their best to meet their spouse’s needs despite that, the efforts should be appreciated, not diminished. I would even go so far as to say that a person who doesn’t have much need for sex but who does their best –even if it’s not “perfect” according to the more “needy” spouse –is very loving indeed because we’re really going out of our own comfort zone on a regular basis for our spouse. It’s really tiresome to continuously hear that those of us who are simply wired differently are somehow wrong or sick…and that we need to try to force ourselves to be what we’re not. If we still, out of love, do our best by our spouse’s even when it’s not about ourselves, that should be applauded, not demeaned.
(USA) Wow, I wonder if people really understand that this a Christian based article as well, as the site itself. The way you speak, you should have stayed single. That is a blantant disregard to what GOD has ordained for married couples “only”. Many will miss that point because they are stiff necked and do not have eyes to see or ears to hear. Instead of being encouraging and uplifting, you have people giving advice on all the things NOT to do. Please take my advice, if you are not doing what the article suggests, keep it to yourself. This way you can avoid having the blood on your hands from what you told someone else to do and it was wrong.
(NEPAL) Whatever long discussion about this topics, I’d just like to say, in married life, sex and love should be equally shared by both husband and wife, and also respect for each other. Happy life goes ever on.
(USA) As a woman, if you look unbiasedly you will notice that women are so selfish. They just care about their own needs and when their husband wants sex they act as if its shallow. They do it only when THEY’RE in the mood or want a baby. It’s all about them. Meanwhile men do plenty of things they don’t want to do, but so anyways to please their woman.
(NIGERIA) I would like to join the discussion.
(ANTIGUA) After looking at the comment’s, do we want JESUS AS LORD OR JUST SAVIOR! Do we persuade men, or GOD? My brothers and sisters to obey is better than SACRIFICE, your disobedience is REBELLION and your REBELLION causes bitterness and anger in homes today. I would like to know this, what 1 COR 7 1-5 is saying…is it a COMMAND OR A CHOICE? You may say we do have a choice, have you read what happen to the children of disobedience? You should! Don’t be deceived,BE NOT WISE IN YOUT OWN CONCEITS, WOE TO THEM THAT ARE WISE IN THEIR OWN EYES, AND PRUDENT IN THEIR OWN SIGHT! If we live by choice why do we have to pay for sin? I will say to FEAR GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS: THIS IS THE WHOLE DUTY OF MAN. No wonder why so many marriages ends in divorce.
(UNITED STATES) I am going through a trying time in my marriage right now & this was more enlightening that I can even say.
(USA) THIS IS A FACT******* I think if the wives were getting the sensation, the multiple orgasms, the arousal like men do, wives would not be complaining or rejecting their husband when it comes to sex. Wives only reject their husbands if the sexual intercourse IS NOT GOOD or she lacks like love for him. Even if they disagree on something if the sex is awesome then that wife will put that disagreement to the side and gladly have sex with her husband.
That’s why a woman can stay with a man who could be beating the crap out of her but if the sex is awesome then she will compromise. Husbands if you woo us, arouse us, turn us on, and make sure we get multiple orgasms and the wives are willing to do the same for their husband then neither party will be rejected or complaining.
HUSBANDS, GIVE YOUR WIVES MULTIPLE ORGASMS AND MASSAGES. STIMULATE HER MENTALLY. DO WHAT TURNS HER ON AND YOU WILL NOT BE REJECTED WHEN IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO BOTH MATE. WIVES HAVE SEX BASED ON IF THEY FEEL LIKE IT. IF THEY ARE NOT TURNED ON THEY ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HAVE SEX. TURN YOUR WIVES ON, GET HER JUICES FOLLOWING. AND COMMUNICATE AND STUDY HER. WOMEN (WIVES) LIKE IT IF THEIR HUSBAND HAS STUDIED WHAT TURNS THEM ON SO SHE WOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU. BUT GENTLY LET HER KNOW YOU ARE NOT A MIND READER.
(USA) Tiffanie… every husband wants to do what you ask for. Pleasing a woman this way is not easy to do when sex is already very infrequent. How can we be a stallion in bed with no practice?
I can tell my wife more frequent sex will in turn create a better experience for her. She thinks that is just ridiculous. On the rare occasions I do get sex I must perform perfectly. Do you see the catch here?
(USA) Duane & Tiffanie, You both have valid points but …the more open sex you have with your partner and the more your willing to explore is the only way to find out what really works for the both of you! I’m a woman and I hate to take a man’s point of view but I know a lot of my women friends who don’t want to have sex with their husbands because they don’t feel good about themselves sexually… They have either let themselves go mentally or physically.
The biggest turn on for me in bed with my husband is I know how to turn myself on! I’m sexually confident and through lots of playing around under the covers at 16 years of marriage our sex is OFF THE CHARTS!!! I’m 45 and my orgasms in the past 6 years DO NOT COMPARE to ones I had younger! Women want to blame it all on the men because their not having good sex when MOST of them can’t turn themselves on. If you feel sexy, think you look sexy you will want to make sex a priority in your life! STOP BLAMING IT ALL ON THE MEN! Go to the gym, put the bag of potatoe chips down, stop wearing sweats everywhere, fix you hair, a little make-up, and start thinking about sex! Get to know yourself sexually. If it’s truly the fact that you just don’t like sex, or the touch of your husband repulses you… then take responsibily for that but don’t blame him.
(USA) I agree women should be adept at pleasing themselves and carry that into the sexual experience with her husband. I asked my wife to masturbate during sex and she is like “why?” Geez…
(UK) Hi Donna, You are breath of fresh air! Even though I would like to think that Tiffanie represented the views of many women out there, I very much doubt that this is the case. It seems to me that too many women talk themselves out of enjoying sex, and whilst I am not sure EVERY man is quite so selfless and gallant as Duane would like to think, I do genuinely believe that most men would prefer to be much better lovers if their partners would only help them to be. That fact that you are so confident of your sexuality is inspirational and beacon of hope to us all –particularly as you only really found yourself aged 39, if my maths is correct.
(USA) The vast majorty of women have never had an orgam. Women in my family actually said it was a myth and I being the youngest at almost 49, (2 months, no cycle) let them know the truth. The thing is they cannot talk about such things. I am not cheating myself by faking an orgasm for any man’s ego but we all know those times you may have to do it to end it.
My husband and I are going on 24 years. I am happier with my body now than I have ever been and I modeled back in the day. Size 0 still a natural D cup and no stretch marks (3 kids) I wear bikinis now and have always loved lingerie. Very long auburn hair and seafoam green eyes. I get compliments wherever we go. My husband said one day of that and he would be ruined, it’s everyone everywhere but as I’ve taught my kids, none of that matters without the inside.
My 2 boys (15 and 22) friends are crazy about me. BUT I do not stay at our pool when I see them coming. I go in get on shorts and a top. No cougar in me -Ew.
I taught my husband everything I liked and now that his sin rant is passed, he is delighted to oblige and vice versa. Too bad he put us though all of that though. I am still hurting deeply.
(USA) Yes, the more you do it the better. Mine was having ED issues, which are Vascular so the more you use it the more open the valves become for the blood flow. He was so hateful and on the couch I didn’t go near him, the devil had a firm grip on him. I wish I could show pics of what he cheated with next to me. It is never about looks but sin. But now that we’re enjoying each other, better than in our 20’s.
Tell your wife I promise her if she experiments and lets you know what she likes, with regular use …something alot like a Stallion. He says I’m killing him but what a way to go :)
(CANADA) Tiffanie, Unfortunately I think this view is far too simplistic. You are assuming that ALL women are coming from a place where they are comfortable with sexuality. Sadly, that is simply not true. Many women have a very tricky time opening up when it comes to sex, and, there a myriad of reasons. As someone said, not all women even WANT to enjoy sex, and if you don’t start from that point then it’s very hard to please someone.
I agree with you that some men simply don’t do the right things (speak from experience here) -men, you cannot just grab your wife’s breasts every 3 days and think that’s how it works. Unfortunately, after the first few years, once the passion starts to die down, (and I say STARTS, because if you wait until it’s gone, it’s too late), men may probably need to adjust their behaviour. I think that’s the tricky part. What used to work, all of a sudden, doesn’t work anymore.
(USA) Tiffanie, This is a two way street. I think most men are willing to do this. What they need are clear, direct instructions. Not ambiguous hints or silence and walls if they are not doing things “right.”
As others have suggested, one aspect of accomplishing this is frequent practice. Other things husbands would find helpful are clear instructions and timely feedback. I.E. I like it when you do ________, or _______ gets me excited. What will turn most men off is if the feedback is contradictory or doesn’t offer hope for improvement. If you simply say, “You are doing it wrong” and nothing more, then expect that he will eventually stop trying.
This is a joint effort. I cannot be solely on the husband to figure out what the wife needs or wants with her sitting there waiting for him to find the right sequence of words, thoughts and deeds to unlock her passion.
If she doesn’t know, she needs to be honest and say she doesn’t know, but she is enthusiastic about the opportunity to learn with her husband. If she does know, then she needs to be 100% proactively honest about what works and doesn’t and willing to teach since she’s the expert on her sexuality. But it comes down to being an enthusiastic AND willing sexual partner. These are things that she has 100% of the control over. If either is lacking, then she needs to be honest about it and provide clear and concrete instructions on what needs to happen for her to be these things.
If she’s had something in her past that prevents this, then she needs to be honest with her husband BEFORE they even get married so he knows what he’s getting into. AND she needs to see whatever help is necessary for her to get over the hurts of her past.
If he was part of those hurts, then they both have work to do towards healing and a healthy and mutually enjoyable sex life. It’s not just him and not just her. It’s both of them, and they have to work towards the goal of a frequent and mutually satisfactory sex life.
(USA) As the old addage goes “To the female the brain/heart are the errogenous zones while for the man, it’s just the penis which is all about his ego.”
Mine has always helped out with house and kids but a heart full of hatred towards me and ultimately God and lust towards all else. I stopped having friends back in ’94 because of him. I often thought it was me and two gf’s took me to a water park one day and told me he was just creeepy. Always looking at them weird, it was clear what he was up to and then some took him up on it because of his job. “The Job” in this county and that’s what I’ve dealt with all along.
There are men at his company that are single making that money, but no female. If they had one’s ome would be curious. His buddy said having a good looking wife and that postion puts a bullseye on your back. “The love of money is the root of all evil.”
So I’m not saying chores but to really care about what pleases us in general. If you really love us like Christ loves his bride, You will start a fire that you and 100 fire departments cannot put out. At least with some of us girls. It is so true!
(UGANDA) I fail to understand the fact that men feel loved through sex. If this is the case:
1. Why then do men sexually abuse children including even infants??? Do men feel loved by infants through having sex with them???
2. Then again a man can have sex with as many as three women in a day. And he again could have sexual encounters with as many women as he could possibly spot upon in a month. Does he, therefore, receive love from all those women?
3. O sweet Lord, if that is the case, then we have a big problem here. Men must be feeling rejection 24/7.
Please somebody explain to me the above!
(USA) Juls, It makes about as much sense as women feeling loved by conversation. It just is. You can choose to accept it, or reject it. Just as men can accept or reject the specific ways their wives feel loved.
1. This is really a non sequitur and certainly not gender based. After all, there are women who prey on teen and pre-teen men as well. But for both genders, it’s a very small percentage that cannot be used to discount the legitimate emotional needs of both populations.
2. Some may think they are feeling love. Again, just as a women may feel “a connection” to some man she meets and has a fulfilling conversation, a man may feel “a connection” to a woman who agrees to have sex with him. The two can be true. Both men and women are looking for love. Faulty means of seeking out that love does not change the fact that they feel love when those emotional needs are met. Nor do faulty means of trying to find that love excuse a spouse from providing that love.
3. I suspect many are, just as many women feel rejection, or feel they are not connected, or feel their spouse is “emotionally unavailable” when her husband is not meeting her needs.
Loving your spouse is choosing to accept that their needs are different from yours and choosing to meet them even if you don’t understand or share the same needs. When one chooses to question or discount their needs, they are not acting in love. So if someone is looking for love and to love their spouse, I would think that the last thing they would want to do is to engage in any process that seems to discount and discredit their stated emotional needs.
Love doesn’t say, “Those can’t be your needs.” Love says, “Thanks for sharing your needs, I look forward to meeting them beyond your wildest dreams” and then gets busy with actually doing what you just said you would do.
(USA) Articles like this put even more pressure on the wife who has a low sex drive. I understand, in theory, how men need sex to feel connected but as a woman who doesn’t have that need it puts us in a situation of having sex to satisfy the man but we then feel used because we’re doing something we don’t want to do. On top of that, men don’t want to feel that we’re just doing it out of duty, they want us to show we’re enjoying it too. Basically, we have to do our duty and pretend to like it if we want our husbands to feel loved. I love my husband but I don’t have a need for sex. I try to do it for his sake and try to act like I’m enjoying it so I don’t hurt his feelings but I have to ask when do my feelings come into consideration? I have a lot of needs in my relationship but I don’t badger my husband about fulfilling them because I know that the things I like aren’t his cup of tea. I just accept that.
My husband is a very good lover so it’s not an issue of technique. He always asks me what I want but to be honest, because I have no sexual needs, it’s a tough question to answer. I just tell him whatever he wants to do is fine because he’s good at everything. Everything he does feels good and it’s nice but I could also live without it. I guess that sounds crazy because if something feels good, why would you not want it? Part of the problem is that because it takes so long and so much foreplay to even get me to the point of stirring up desire, it just isn’t something I want to be bothered with at the end of a long day. I’m too tired to put in the tremendous effort for something I could live without anyway.
So what is a Christian wife to do? I do pity my husband’s need and understand how it affects him emotionally. But what about how it affects the wife emtionally to have the responsibility of shoring up your husband’s entire emotional and mental health by doing something you don’t feel like doing, doing it a least twice a week and pretending your desire matches his in the process so he doesn’t feel like he’s forcing you? Also, this article makes a wife fear that if, God forbid, she should become paralyzed in a car accident or become ill and not be able to perform that her husband might abandon her because he can’t have sex. The message this article sends is that men can only feel emotionally connected and loving towards their wives if their wife desires sex with them. What happens if she can’t? It makes a wife feel like she is only valued by what she can do for her husband and if she can’t, then his love will quickly die.
(USA) Ok, I just have to say that I need to reply to my own comment above. I was having a bad day and having a major pity party. My comments above were selfish and self-serving. I also didn’t give husbands enough credit with my last line about their love dying if their wife can no longer serve their needs due to illness etc. If a husband is a godly man, then God will give him the strength to be heroic at a time like that.
(USA) I encourage you to read His Needs, Her Needs
by Dr Bill Harley.
(USA) Lori, I agree with everything you have said, and I feel the same way. I can’t make myself have desire. So what am I suppose to do? Fake it (lie)? No thank you.
(USA) My wife sounds very much like you. She has little or no sex drive. Her primary need in our marriage is to feel a heart to heart connection. We have that big time so that need is met well. The article above hits the nail on the head regarding the importance of sex for a man. This is just simply the way God made us. Not recognizing this reality and not operating within your sacred marriage knowing the truth of this is also believing a lie.
I am so very fortunate to be married to a woman who understands this is a huge need for me and makes herself available sexually to me, not as often as I may want, but she understands and yields often enough. Our sex life is amazing because she recognizes the gift it is that she gives the marriage. I recognize how she has moved towards me and so I move towards her and do what ever I can to satisfy her needs from me. I feel like a man; I feel confident and I feel loved.
(USA) I never had adequate desire for anyone until my husband. Our typical day: His alarm goes off at 4 am. I’m sleeping in a king sized bed, but pressed against him (he is usually sweaty and a little bit stinky by morning). He gives me a quick backrub and a dragon-breath kiss if his alarm wakes me. Then he’s gone. I spend my day doing my part: taking my child to school, working my own job, figuring out dinner, doing laundry, etc.
It’s easy to do that much work because every day I look forward to the end of the day. He comes home and gives me an hour or two of his time helping me around the house. Then he takes time for his own interests as well as tutoring my son (his stepson). Finally, we spend a couple of hours doing something together before bedtime. Every night we both go to bed at the same time. Kissing and loving each other is our reward for all of the work we do during the day. I can’t imagine being a wife and not wanting to kiss your husband or to be wrapped in his strong, protecting arms as he expresses his love and desire of you. We’re intimate every day (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a day during weekends) and have been for more than three years.
He has never required/demanded sex from me. Sex for us is a way to stay in touch. It’s intimate, loving, and fun :)
Sometimes we’re too worn out but still want the connection that sex provides. Those times, he usually bathes and lotions me, we rub each other’s backs, kiss for a bit, and just enjoy a minute or two of intimacy before snuggling and going to sleep.
Any morning he goes to work without me waking up, he leaves a little gift for me. It doesn’t take a lot of time or energy to love the man (or woman) who completes you, provides for you, and is the person you are able to count on above all others. This is from a non-Christian. My husband is Jewish.
(UK) I stumbled across this forum in the search for a better understanding of myself –married for 13 years, father to three great kids etc. I’ve been bitterly unhappy for a number of years now. I’ve always known that our poor sex life has been key to many of our problems –until now I didn’t know quite why, and I have always thought that I was to blame (with a little help from my wife, needless-to-say). I am eternally grateful to Shaunti for her invaluable research and eloquent write-up of her findings, and to all who have posted before me with their innermost feelings. It’s reassuring at least to learn that I’m not so unusual after all!
Interesting though the debate has been, for me there is one omission –the underlying WHY are men like this? I see it as follows. As Homo Sapiens we’re all simply animals at heart –and in keeping with the vast majority of the animal kingdom, the male in the species is put onto this earth to procreate as much and as widely as possible, and the female to select a mate discerningly, to give birth, and to nurture the young. Everything else fits into place to support this –he the hunter-gatherer, she the home-maker. As humans we’ve developed over millions of generations and have introduced rules and etiquettes into society which may serve to mask the above –but fundamentally our roles are as above for most couples. No doubt there have been many hiccups throughout history, but in general terms the system worked and brought us to the start of the 20th Century as the top of the food chain.
Then things got a little complicated –there was a wave of feminism (something that I’m not particularly adverse to –I think that we should all have equal rights) –but the rules got altered, and now no one really knows what they are. There are a plethora of self-help books about there proposing no end of theories –and from what I’ve seen, different women pick and choose which rules they subscribe to, and this probably changes over the course of their life just to further complicate matters. Many women I know started out fairly feminist and ambitious, and they had a set of rules that their partners had to learn. Then they had kids, and the rules changed –they became maternal, and the relationships became more conventional in many respects. As chaps, many of us are thoroughly confused about expectations of us as partners, as well as of our own feelings and emotional requirements. Shaunti’s work sheds light on it all perfectly. The last 100 years or so may well have muddied the waters, but if any women really wants a good marriage, she needs to understand her man and her role within the partnership. I don’t think that anyone could have provided a better explanation than Shaunti’s.
In my humble opinion, for a woman to deprive a man of the emotional elements of a healthy sex life (‘his’ hard-wired instinctive need) is equivalent to a man depriving a woman of contact with the children she bore (‘her’ hard-wired instinctive need). One can only imagine the reaction of people in general if a chap were to willingly deny a woman the chance to exercise her instincts on a regular basis.
I’ve been with my partner now for over 20 years and in this time I’ve never been unfaithful. I love her enormously, but the pain that I bear on a daily basis is too much to cope with and I’m now desperate for a new life –to be loved and respected on my terms. If Shaunti and the 98% of contributors above are to be believed, I’m somewhat relieved to learn that “my terms” are very much the norm.
(USA) This is a Christian site, we are not “animals” so says God. We are made in His glorious image and should behave as such. We are a little lower than the Angels but HE -God -gave us dominion over the animals, which means a postion of care and authority. God does not care if we kill them humanely for food “Kosher” but we are not to waste them and use all of that animal we can.
I do not try to change people’s thinking but since you are posting on a Christian site, I thought I would lay it out as God has for His children. We are born His Creation but only through accepting Christ do we become His children.
We are not millions of years old either, but roughly 6000. Read the facts via God and you will see as God says His word never returns void. We are not animals; let’s stop acting like them. God says an adulterous men are like dogs and their own, regurgitation and the female a sow in her waste. See Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 24. Not something I would be proud to be.
(UK) Hi Pavrone -my apologies -you are of course right, we are not animals. I was trying to make the point that we are members of the animal kingdom, and as such it is only reasonable to assume that we share many traits with them. Anyone who has a dog will be able to tell you how ‘just like us’ they are. Clearly, we started streaks ahead and have developed at a faster rate ever since. Our base instincts have been overlaid with culture, religion, societies’ rules and regulations, a complex web of unwritten rules and etiquettes etc, but I don’t think that we should forget, ignore or invalidate those base instincts. They are, after all, the reason that the human race has continued and will continue, and are the mechanical necessity of God’s work.
(US) Stewart- I’ve read all the accounts above of the men in sexless marriages and I totally understand why they feel the way they do. My question to many of these men is this really enough for them to end a marriage? I’m more asking because I’m curious. Most of the men say they really love their wives A LOT. Am I right to think that because of the lack of sex that men don’t feel loved?
I have many married male friend in sexless marriages… actually I think all of them. They joke about it but I can tell deep down they are hurting… but none would ever leave their wives, for various reasons. I really feel bad for some of these men. I really do believe they have tried everything to change things but their wives just aren’t interested. I have heard a lot of my married women friends complain how much they hate it and wish “that” would just go away.
(CANADA) Hi Michelle, I am not a man but feel compelled to answer on behalf of this woman. You are right in that there are many people (men and women) in sexless marriages. As you say, they joke about it. As did I. In my opinion, sex makes both a woman and a man feel loved (assuming it’s loving and consentual of course). I can tell you, that me, a woman, feels much more loved now that I am with a man with whom I have sex. Is it because of the actual sex, or, because we share an intimate bond by having sex? I think it’s the latter. So, my answer to your question is that yes, lack of sex can lead to people feeling unloved. And yes, eventually this feeling of being unloved, can lead people to search for love elsewhere.
The question is, how much love does one have to feel? We can only answer this for ourselves. Some people get a lot of other wonderful things from their spouse that for them, ‘replaces’ sex. Some do not, and everything in between. As you can see, many of the men have decided to stay in spite of the lack of sex, and some have left.
I will pray for your friends (and mine) who wish sex would go away, because when true, is the most beautiful way to love someone and to feel loved.
(USA) I agree as does God that sex is the most beautiful way to love someone (expression-wise) but that is only within God’s bounds of marriage. Too bad, it’s the devil’s world and he tells so many otherwise and they fall.
My husband said of his 12 day affair and two failed attempts and we had months of afterwards in court over her custody to see it “it was so dirty, akward and sinful” and I know he means it. He couldn’t perform and she confirms that by her name for him. In his condition he didn’t want a condom coming between them -The devil’s false love” and why the world is ravaged with disease. God is merciful.
(UK) Hi Bridg –lovely post. I’m interested in your conclusion that you feel more loved because of the intimate bond rather that the actual sex. Do you think that fulfilling sex forms a virtuous circle that goes way beyond sex, and that because your man is fulfilled, he’s more tuned into fulfilling your emotional needs, either consciously or sub-consciously?
(CANADA) Stewart, My conclusion stems from the fact that simply having sex with someone does not make me feel loved. I don’t think sex ALONE can make us feel loved. Sex is (hopefully) an EXPRESSION of someone’s love, so it’s not the physicallness of the sex, but the sharing of the Act. It’s the fact that he DESIRES ME.
I think the link you are missing, is that for most women (well, this one for sure), we have a hard time ‘giving’ up our bodies to someone if we don’t love them. So by virtue of giving myself physically and completely to my man, it is the absolute most important way that I tell him I love him.
I may do nice things for other men, bring a co-worker coffee, help the neighbour by lending him a ladder, etc., but, the fact that I allow myself to give up my body for my man is the way that I tell him that I love him, and him alone. Not sure I”m making my point well, but I guess the best way to say it is that my physical needs and my emotional needs ARE ONE AND THE SAME THING. I can’t separate them. I do believe from what I have read that for men, the physical need of sex can be separated from other acts which make them feel loved. Well, that’s my view. Does that make any more sense?
(UK) Hi Bridg – you are making complete sense – and it seems par for the course amongst most women. I would hope that most guys who have studied the issues will have understood it. I think that it is also something that is used by some women as an excuse not to have sex with their partners, and it comes back to the classic chicken and egg conundrum. Failure to break the deadlock leads to the vicious downward spiral. Breaking that cycle requires a leap of faith, a degree of generosity and an ongoing investment in nurturing the relationship. Speaking as a guy, a chap can make an effort to break that deadlock, but if it doesn’t deliver results fast it is very easy to end up in the sort of situation described in the article prompting this blog.
(UK) Hi Michelle – it’s an interesting question, and I think that much of it depends on the characters involved. I also think that it depends on which type of sex you are talking about –physical vs emotional. I totally agree with Shaunti’s theory that sex goes to the very heart of a man and this his very self-worth depends on it. I suppose the physical amount that he needs depends on a combination of factors that include the stressfulness he experiences in his life, the level of non-physical emotional support that he gets from his wife and elsewhere, his inner confidence and sense of self-worth etc.
I suppose that there are also guys who put little into life and have low expectations of what they want out of it, who would prefer to cruise through life unfulfilled than change direction. In such cases they may stay in unhappy marriages –and I would imagine increasingly unhappy for both parties given the vicious circle that must exist. I’m not sure about your friends and how sexless their marriages are –but yes, I do think that most men equate the lack of sex to a very profound feeling of being unloved.
You may want to reread the article which is based on research with over 1,000 men –as perhaps should your ‘sexless’ friends before it’s too late for them too. I suspect that there are no end of women out there who chat amongst themselves to form a collective view that good sex it is not important to a marriage, rather than facing up to the harsh truths and dealing with it appropriately. Given the rate of divorce throughout the western world, most people in unfulfilling marriages walk sooner or later –that or find sexual and emotional fulfillment elsewhere.
(UK) We (my husband and I) were in a similar situation to Stewart, and are continuing to work through it. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We react in different ways and need different things. Men NEED sex. Women do not.
In order for a marriage to thrive it’s important to have mutual understanding of these fundamental differences. By respecting each other’s differences you can begin to communicate instead of fighting against them. Compromises can then follow. For us, these include the wife validating the importance of meaningful sex, and more frequently making the effort, putting time aside for it. For the husband, putting less pressure on his wife, replacing this with gentle reminders, enabling the woman to feel less cornered.
(UK) What is the relationship between physical and emotional sex? I have mulled over the findings in Shaunti’s research for some time now. As a red-blooded male with a healthy sex-drive I welcome her implied premise that a woman should never say no but instead engage in sex with gusto. I’m surprised at the lack of feminist outrage appearing in the comments here –and I have to say that I would be sympathetic. I for one would feel very uncomfortable with the thought that my wife should oblige whenever and wherever I felt an urge. But given that as a man, it’s my emotional requirement for sex that is more important than my physical, I’m intrigued as to how easy it is to separate the two.
I buy into the theory that a build up of testosterone leads to an imbalance and puts me on edge. But I, like most men I’m sure, have found ways of physical release aside from sex in order to reset the counter at zero. This doesn’t solve my need for emotional sex, however. So this is the question –who has found ways of having fulfilling emotional sex with their wife whenever and wherever, without the need for physical sex every time?
(CANADA) Stewart, I’m going to let you in on a secret that I never thought I would admit. (Certainly not to myself anyways.) Men have a physical urge for sex because without it, the human race would have died out. Women have an innate need to be desired by men because without it, the human race would have died out. I submit to my man because the very fact of him wanting me is a critical part of why men and women are men and women.
BUT as you say, there are other ways for you to release and fulfill your physical desires for sex (eh eh, so can I, by the way). I know that. IF I turn him down, I know he will meet his needs elsewhere. Once I have turned him down several times, and he is meeting his needs elsewhere, he will GIVE UP on me. Once he gives up on me, for even the shortest of times (insert your own definition of short here, by my definition is currently 3 weeks), then I WILL TURN OFF. I will simply turn off. We women do this. we turn off. And, in my opinion, that is why about ninety percent of the people who come to forums like this, are not having sex. The wife is turned off. There is no way to turn her back on again.
My goal, for the rest of my days with my new man, is to not turn myself off. One way I plan to do this, is to submit to him. (There are others; this is one of many.) To tell myself, every time he wants me, “I LOVE THIS MAN AND HE LOVES ME AND THAT IS WHY WE HAVE SEX AND IF I STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM OUR MARRIAGE WILL FAIL”. I speak from a very difficult and profound loss, which explains the caps.
(UK) Your response popped up after I had written my earlier one. I think that you have hit the nail on the head – your ‘goal’ is the leap of faith, the generosity and ongoing investment that I was referring to earlier. I am sorry to learn of the (implied) loss of your first man, but find it refreshing that you have learnt and are now applying the lessons to your new fella – who is clearly a very lucky chap indeed! I thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences and lessons and very much hope that others are able to learn from them!
(UK) Bridg – I don’t get why you think you are submitting to your man? I love mine, I see us as equals, I have sex with him frequently even when I don’t really want it (although I hope he never realises this – I do my best to convince him that he’s driving me nuts). But I don’t feel that I am ever submitting to him. I regard my ‘enthusiasm’ as a very sensible and worthwhile investment.
It’s an investment in his well being and confidence, which results in boosting his love for me, for which I get romance, caring, a briliant shoulder to cry on, cuddles etc whenever I want them, and ultimately a wonderful marriage. So my ‘investment’ is good for him, for me, for us, and for our kids. Where’s the submission in that? Lord knows what an investment he makes in our family every day – it seems only right that he gets respected for it, no?
(CANADA) Jessica: I agree with you, completely. I use the word submit on purpose. I use it, to remind myself that sex is important. I will admit, now that I’ve been caught, that I have not yet once wanted to turn him down -meaning -not yet once not been ‘in the mood’. Is that something he has done right? something I have done right? Due to my advanced age and raging hormones? I have absolutely no clue. What I do know, is that the day I start ‘not feeling like it’, is the day i begin to shut down, and the day our relationship begins to end. So for me, I use the word dogmatically, to remind myself that when the day comes and I do not ‘feel’ like it, that I must submit. Perhaps it’s just semantics, but, it’s semantics that I need.
Otherwise, I completely and entirely agree with you.
(USA) Bridg… Well SAID. Once a woman is turned OFF it’s almost impossible to get her back ON. Then it becomes a nagging duty.
(USA) Even God offers 2nd chances and more. Seems if a wife is not willing to move heaven and earth to allow her husband 2nd chances and keep her heart open and not hard, she needs to go to God to get her heart right.
(UK) Stewart – have never really thought your ‘physical vs emotional’ sex but I might have a couple for you. My husband often goes away on business, sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time. We’ll try and talk on the phone every evening once I’ve put the kids to bed. We’ll start by chatting through the days events and the like, but we’ll finish talking about more intimate things – call it phone sex if you will. What really gets him going is when I tell him what I want him to do to me when he gets back. It can get a little bit kinky. When he does return, I make him perform. If we have phone sex seven times when he’s away, and then once on his return, does this mean we have had physical sex once and emotional sex seven times?
When he invites his mates over to watch a football match on tv, I’ll make a real point of looking attractive (smart clothes, a little makeup, sometimes I may ‘forget’ to put a bra on). I’ll flirt a little with his friends (only a little, and only ever when he is in the room) but my parting shot before I leave them to it will be something along the lines of ‘I’ll see him later’). It gets a reaction from his mates and does wonders for his ego. Invariably he’s had a few too many to want to perform (great – I don’t have to), but the good deed is done. It’s not really sex, even emotional, but it has the same effect doesn’t it?
(USA) Hey Stewart – cool question. My first marriage failed a while after kids came along. I didn’t realise it at the time, but the reason was due to an unfulfilling sex life. It lead to other stuff, and we drifted apart.
I have since remarried, and now have an awesome relationship with a wonderful lady. So I have a high sex drive –more so that hers I guess, but we have found a formula that works perfectly where I have sex with her almost every day and yet she has sex with me a couple of time a week maybe when she wants to. Confused? It’s simple -we frequently make sexy home movies. Whenever I am in the mood for sex, she will tell me in code whether she wants to make love or not. Typically it may go like this –we’ll be cuddling on the couch after work and I’ll be caressing her – she loves that. I may start to caress a breast, which she reads as me wanting some. She’ll make like she’s still really enjoying the caress, but will ask me something like ‘where are you going to do me tonight?’. I may suggest the shower, she’ll reply ‘mmmm, how about Miami?’. We live in Kentucky, so that may be tricky but I know that she is referring to a movie we made on holiday in Florida. This is her way of saying ‘not tonight, honey’.
I get it, so I watch one of our ‘movies’. Sometimes she will stay and watch too – she’ll add to the mood by obviously enjoying watching it with me, saying cute things to me like how intense her orgasm was when we shot that movie etc. I think she gets off watching me get off. Sometimes she’ll have gone to bed, but when I get in beside her she’ll reach round to cuddle me and will make some point of involving herself and enjoying the ‘sex’ that we have just had, like ‘Did we do it in Miami like I asked? Did I scream? Will you take me back there one day and make me orgasm like that again?’. So we may not of had physical sex, but I came, and it’s something real great that we share emotionally every time.
Does our ‘virtual sex’ as we call it feel fake? No. Why? Because she is so hot about it. She is like the artistic director, she says what she wants us to do and where. As soon as we have done one, she is planning the next. She teases me with her ideas all the time. And when we are doing it in front of the camera, she is really, really hot. I know that she has crazy wild orgasms. She is totally uninhibited, she always wants to try new stuff, and has some great ideas – some so crazy that I am the one that gets cautious. I know that I turn her on big time and it is great for my confidence. She makes me feel like 10 men, and whenever I am having a bad day at work, I think about our sessions. She makes me feel that I am Superman.
Hi Bob, I guess whatever works within your marital bed and in agreement with both of you and as long as it doesn’t involve others, whether virtually or physically, it seems to be okay. But I want to warn you that if you have children, beware. My husband came across pictures of his mom that his dad had taken and it was really problematic. It actually started him on the road to desiring pornography and caused problems in our marriage.
I also came across some nude pictures of sister-in-law that my brother had taken of her (I was helping to go through some of his stuff after he had died). It was more than icky –images I wish I had never seen of her. If films like these could be kept private forever, that wouldn’t be so bad, but lots of times they have a way of being exposed. YOU might not mind, but the person who accidentally comes across them, could find them disturbing –especially if it’s a child of theirs. I just wanted to give you a “heads up” to be careful about what you put onto video or in some type of image that others could innocently discover.
(UK) Thanks to Bridg, Jessica, Bob and Cindy for their thoughts on this matter. I REALLY THINK THAT WE COULD BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE. A quick summary –men need fulfilling sex in order to feel loved and desired, and to give them confidence. “Emotional sex” is of huge importance –more so than physical sex. Women don’t always want to respond to their partners need with physical sex.
I’m here because I feel that my marriage is in dire trouble. It’s not because my wife does’t love me –I absolutely know that she does. It’s not because we don’t have sex –we do frequently. The reason is that I am suffering from the wounds described in the article that arise from a lack of fulfilling sex –my wife sends me few positive signals, and these are obscured entirely by the negative ones. I have no confidence that she really wants me, and as a result our physical sex is emotionally unfulfilling. It is the emotional sex that I need to fight the fight.
As I said in my post of 8 Nov 11:15, I don’t subscribe to the idea that my wife should be willing and eager whenever I feel the urge –I respect her enormously and personally feel uncomfortable that I could ask such a thing of her. But I do think that the care and support that I give her, the sacrifice that I make on a daily basis for our family etc, should be rewarded with emotional support on me that includes a plentiful supply of emotional sex.
It seems to me too often that women withhold those vital signs of love and affirmation because of the fear that it may lead to physical sex –it’s something that I can fully understand. What wives may not fully comprehend is the damage that it’s doing to his well-being, and ultimately their marriage. As a couple comprising of two people who are wired differently, surely the best compromise all around is to find a solution that allows her to have the confidence to give him all the love, support and passion that he needs, but safe in the knowledge that she can flick a switch that will enable her to divert her man to a conclusion that does not necessarily include physical sex for her.
Jessica and Bob seems to have discovered practical ways to separate emotional sex from the physical –Bob and his wife have found a switch that allows her to divert Bob to a more one-sided finale the negates any pressure on her to perform physically. Does this hold the key to a successful and happy marriage between Martians and Venusians? I would very much welcome people’s thoughts on these ideas.
(UK) Mmmmm -Michelle -are your girlfriends the sort of girls that meet up for coffees whilst their hubbies are hard at work and gripe about them, the sort that have let themselves go, that watch junk tv while drinking and comfort food, who feed their families pizzas from the freezer, whose homes are a mess and who criticise all but themselves? Are these the ones with the hubbies who are unromantic and unappreciative? Are they then the types that are shocked and devastated when the entirely predictable happens? Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you may want to change your friends.
Surely if we are to have fulfilling partnerships/marriages, then we all need to ensure that we give to our partners, as well as take from them. For me, I value the support and love my husband gives me, and the way he works hard to provide for me and the kids. I don’t think that it is too much to ask that I love him back in a way that he needs.
(USA) Wow, while I am far from that. This is a bit shocking. I have busted my rear for my family and hubby knows that. God says we are to be home caring for the home and family and the man should work.
In fact, God says that a man that does not support his family is worse than an unbeliever.
At 49, 3 kids and 24 years of marriage (My kids are 10, 15 and 22) I wear a kids size 12 or double 0. I may not be in a ball gown daily but I take care of myself and all else. I don’t have many friends because I am a child of the Lord and there are not many that are true. I’m not supposed to be unequally yoked and my husband was after every female that he saw.
I just happened to marry an abuser. Heart full of adultery and acted on it all….