How We View Our Spouse

How do you view your spouse? What type of “glasses” are you looking through in your mind’s eye? Are you looking through tired eyes—through a view that isn’t as positive as it was before marriage? It’s important to truly consider how we view our spouse.

How We View Our Spouse

We’ve been married for over 52 years. YAY! And as we look back, we can see that even though we’ve had a LOT of ups and downs in our relationship, the Lord has helped us to love each other more than ever before. We’re so grateful—especially since living together day in and day out can change the way we view each other! It’s like what Drs Gary and Greg Smalley have stated:

“During courtship and early married life, almost everything the mate says or does is interpreted in a positive light. He or she can do no wrong. Even unpleasant behavior can be turned around and made positive. In a sense, it’s like one mate views the other with a pair of rose-tinted glasses —everything is perfect.”

“But if the marriage runs into trouble, the repeated disappointments, arguments, and frustrations lead to a change in perspective. For example, a wife may shift from a ‘rose-colored’ perspective to a negative one. Her attitude changes from one of admiration to faultfinding. Then, much of what he does is interpreted in a negative light. He can do no right. In essence, when the relationship runs into persistent problems, we have a tendency to switch ‘lenses’ and see our mate differently —more negatively.”

Dr Debbie Cherry adds:

“Each of us sees our world, through a particular set of senses. If we’re not careful, the type of glasses we put on can distort what we’re trying to see.”

So, let’s look at a few of the types of “glasses” we can view our spouse through and hopefully, we’ll learn something through this examination. The first there are:

Rose-colored glasses to View Our Spouse:

Dr Debbie L. Cherry, in her book, Child-Proofing Your Marriage says:

“We’d all love to live in a world that is perfect, and that’s what these [rose-colored] glasses help us to believe. As we slip these glasses on, everything we see seems to change.”

But does this “change” benefit our marriage in the long run? Sometimes! The Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”(Proverbs 19:11)

What this tells us is that just because our spouse offends us, it doesn’t mean that we have to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes it’s better to just let it go —not always, but sometimes! It’s important to seek God’s wisdom to know when it’s best to overlook and when it isn’t.

Dark-colored glasses to View Our Spouse:

As Dr Cherry says, “Although we may say that we don’t want to wear [negative or dark-colored] glasses, many of us end up choosing to put them on at least part of the time.” And this can be dangerous because how we see our spouse can sometimes become clouded.

“If our sensitivity levels are set too high, we can take offense when none is intended. We can look for slights when they aren’t really there. We can assume the worst when it may not be true.” (Gary Oliver)

Drs Les and Leslie Parrott give a great demonstration of this point through a simple exercise they use when they teach undergraduates. They ask their students to point out to the person sitting next to them everything they can find that’s the color green in the room. After doing that, they ask how many of them came into the room looking for green things before they did this exercise. When no hands go up, they say, “What we have done, in only a few seconds, is give you a ‘green mind-set.’”

They go on to tell them:

“All of us see whatever it is we prepare our minds to see. Our perception, in how we view a situation, is the result of our attitude. Once we have a particular mind-set, we see everything and everybody in a certain way —either more positively or negatively —even if our perception isn’t accurate. That’s why in marriage and in life, we so often find what we’re looking for. If you think your spouse is lazy, you can find plenty of evidence to support your case. If you think your spouse is efficient, you can find experiences to back that up too. Whatever you have it in your mind to find, you will.” (From the Parrott’s book, “I Love You More”)

It’s important to examine in truth, what we see and don’t see in our spouses. We need to be cautious because as we’re told in the Bible:

“There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes yet is not washed from its filthiness. There is a generation —oh, how lofty are their eyes! And their eyelids are lifted up!” (Proverbs 30:7)

May God help us to not be tainted in how we view and perceive our spouse! This leads us to our next visual “aid”.

The View We See Through Magnifying Glasses:

Magnifying glasses are held in front of our eyes so we can view things clearer than we could otherwise. But caution needs to be noted with Magnifying Glasses. That is because sometimes we can turn them on our spouse and on others, inspecting their every fault without turning them on ourselves —which can lead to trouble.

The question begs to be asked:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.‘” (Matthew 7:3-5)

May we always remember and live out daily, that, which is also in God’s word:

“Wisdom is in the sight of him who has understanding…” (Proverbs 17:24) “But blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear, for assuredly, I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear and did not hear it.” (Matthew 13:16-17)

How We View Our Spouse Through Goggles:

Goggles are worn by those who are trying to protect their eyesight. And that’s what we want in our marriage. The enemy of our faith wants to distort the way we see our spouse, which can cause a lot of problems. But if we aren’t able to see our spouse as our Heavenly Father sees him or her, then we aren’t looking at them in Truth. Our view of our spouse is worth protecting! Always keep in mind:

“The eye is a lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:22-23)

That’s why

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” (Ephesians 1:17-19)

The Realistic View of Our Spouse Through Clear glasses:

Clear glasses contain no tint at all. They allow you to look at your spouse realistically and see both the good and the “not-so-good.” Prayerfully, as you clearly look through them, you’ll see your spouse as God does —with HIS eyes. We encourage you to prayerfully ask yourself and then ponder upon this:

“How would you treat your spouse if you saw them as being autographed by God?” (Dr Gary Smalley)

“The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.“ (1 Samuel 16:7)

Radio host Ron Hutchcraft relates the story of his blind friend who had surgery, which miraculously restored some of his sight —“the sight he’d lost years before.” Ron said, “He told us how beautiful the mountains were; especially how beautiful his wife was. He said, ‘I’ve finally seen my wife for the first time in 16 years!’ What a breakthrough!”

We pray for all who are reading this that need a breakthrough miracle in your marriage relationship. “May the eyes of your heart be enlightened” so you are able look at your spouse and see him or her clearly through the eyes of God’s heart! And as this happens, we pray that God’s love will knit BOTH of your hearts together!

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

Cindy and Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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