“Five thousand American women enter it every day. No, it’s not a day spa. Nor is it an outpatient clinic for plastic surgery. And it’s certainly not optional —although many options exist for dealing with it. It’s menopause —often referred to as The Big M. Over the generations it’s been called The Change of Life —for more reasons than one.
“For many women, menopause comes abruptly, far sooner than 51. The average age of the body’s natural cessation of menses—due to the six thousand hysterectomies performed in the U.S. each year. For the rest, this unavoidable rite of passage often sneaks up after a six-month to ten-year hormonal time warp called peri-menopause” (Ronna Synder, from Todayschristianwoman.com article “Managing Menopause”).
MENOPAUSE: Reality Hits Hard
If you’re a husband reading what Ronna wrote, it can be a real slap of reality. One year, one month, one week, one day seems too long to go through this. And yet, many of you know, this is just the beginning of a long season. It’s a very long, long season of difficulties, for your wife and for you!
We wish that marriages could come with a manual on “what to do if…” but unfortunately they don’t.
However, we live in a time where we aren’t left entirely alone as far as not having any information available to help us! Many people have lived through a few things and have learned through a few things. Fortunately, they are willing to pass on to others (such as ourselves) what they have learned.
And that applies to the subject of Menopause. How do you survive this transition of life and help your wife the best way you can? There’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer to that, but author Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an article that might help you in some way with that dilemma.
Survival Reading
Below you will find a link to the helpful web site of Family Life Today. On their web site they have posted the following article for your reading pleasure. Or maybe we should say, it’s for your “survival.”
As you read through this linked article ask God to show you what information you can apply to your marriage:
• WHAT WIVES WISH THEIR HUSBANDS KNEW ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ALSO, CONCERNING MENOPAUSE:
Below is a link to a blog where a husband asks the following question:
Question:
My wife is going through menopause and I am feeling kicked out of a relationship that I really want. She doesn’t want physical contact, most of the time. The sex drive is less than off. She thinks that is all I think about. But it has been nearly year and a half. I am 11 years younger and need some advice.
Please click onto the Dailystrength.org link provided below to read more:
• WOMEN: I Need Your Help and Advice
And then, below you’ll find something written by Paul Byerly. It is posted on The-generous-Husband.com web site. I’m thinking that the insights Paul gives will be helpful:
For those of you who truly want to help your wife, the following advice comes from the Todays Christian Woman article titled, “Managing Menopause.” It is written by Ronna Snyder. I sure wish I would have had this info when I was going through Menopause. It’s difficult to find info that addresses spiritual issues, as well as physical and emotional ones. It is also inspiring to read.
Here’s a Sneak Preview:
“Get a Meno MAKEOVER:
Since I saw a number of my peers wilting at this stage of life, I decided to head full-tilt into it—literally. I followed an older meno-mentor’s example and bought a Harley-Davidson. I got a treadmill and began actually using it. Also, I revamped my wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyle, peeling off a few extra years and infusing myself with confidence. And I wasn’t shy about telling my husband and family what I was going through. This helped them become more supportive.
“I purposely deleted energy-robbing (including some church and Bible study) responsibilities from my calendar. I added naps to my to-do list, and bulked up on complex carbs and low-fat proteins, dropping ten pounds in the process. But most importantly, I sought out friends —both old and new. These are friends who had youthful, positive attitudes, yet wise spiritual values that helped me remember I still could make an eternal impact for God’s Kingdom. It didn’t matter whether or not I was peri-menopausal!”
That’s great advice —something your wife may find inspiring.
Above all, I hope and pray that you and your wife can both hold on and partner with each other to get yourselves through this season of marriage. Please know that it is a season. It won’t last forever.
Looking Back
Being on the other side of this, I look back and wonder, “What WAS that?” Thank God it didn’t last forever. It seemed like it would (for both of us), but it didn’t.
I thank God we were able to hold onto each other through some really tough times during that season. Every marriage goes through storms. And this definitely was a stormy time… a long one. But it’s one of those seasons that is important to persevere through, as God can lead you. The Bible talks about the importance of persevering. It’s best for us all to remember that.
I also thank God for the grace that my husband gave me during this time. As I wrote before, we are on the other side of this season. I appreciate it more than I could ever express that my husband extended grace when I’m sure he wanted to do just the opposite. He hugged me when I wasn’t very huggable, and sympathized with me when I needed it. He found ways to make me laugh when it was needed. Steve also gave me grace —extending unmerited favor over and over again. Oh how I love that man for doing that for me.
And oh how much more wonderful our marriage is than it ever has been before. We weathered this together (as we’ve weathered other tough issues). And what we’ve found is that we’re all the more rich for it.
We have some dear friends who also have “weathered” the Menopause storm. We encourage husbands and wives to read: MENOPAUSE: A Season We Didn’t See Coming.
I Pray for You
I pray you will get to this place too.
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men Mental and Physical Health
(ENGLAND) Jay …many thanks for your kind help in this situation. I would say that it’s nice to feel support and that it is good to hear that someone else is going through this… but that would be strange as I cannot believe that anyone else would want to deal with this.
Jay I have found recently that I have started writing down my replies to some of the strange comments or arguments …don’t say anything …just write it down. Then we are not fueling an argument that we will never come to an agreement on.
It is the non responce from them that I find so hard to deal with. It is almost like they are having an affair. Does you wife have the following bizarre behaviour? Laughing at strange childish comments on the T.V, a little bit of suspicious behaviour, loves her mobile phone, non responsive at times, sometimes wants to cuddle, sometimes cannot let you near her, wants you there… but doesn’t know what it is for, has no motivation to do anything, then wants to look at new cars?
And before anyone says it, she isn’t having an affair, I have checked that out 100%. Sorry to say that but like anyone whose wife has totally changed… it’s one of the things you must look into.
As you also say… I have cried my eyes out some days as I want my best friend back… I have been told by my son, that’s enough drink for the night (that was a really desperate, lost time). I have been told by my youngest daughter that she cannot be bothered to talk to her and that she wants her real mother back… that’s hard. I have been told by my eldest daughter that “if this is the new her… I don’t like her.”
But remember do not ever say anything about writing down these comments. You are getting them from your wife as she is not rational thinking … WRITE THEM DOWN.
Anyway …please keep in touch. Please do this as I/we both need help. Some as you say you go through this for 10 years. Some 6-9 months, but the average is 3-5 years. My mother-in-law (her mother) was exactly the same and was going through this a year after me and my wife met 25 years ago …and guess who got the brunt of it back then? Yep, you guessed it. Still, if we say turn the other cheek that’s both my done… mother-in-law and wife.
I just pray that we get our original wives back soon… and that they will go through this with more ease and realize that they have people who love them. God Bless you too. You are in my prayers, Mark
(USA) Hi Mark, Thanks for reply… it’s nice to hear back from the people you reach out to. I think it is important to be part of a community of support as this is thrust upon us whether we want to deal with it or not. I just want to be extra clear about this. I love my wife more than anything on this world and I would do anything to make her happy. I have stood by her through the good and the bad and I forgive her for any hurt and love her uncondtionally.
I have thought about journalling what is going on in my life as my wife works her way through this challenging time. I have a few notes on my Ipod about what is happening but I always feel guilty about doing that because it feels like I am preparing for a divorce and gather evidence. Also, as you alluded to, if our wives would find out what we are doing, their anger would know no bounds! Still, I think it would be good to work out what you would like to say.
The hardest thing for me to deal with is the mood swings. Things can be going great and then BLAM, I can’t do anything right! Then come the put downs and verbal abuse. Last night for Valentine’s Day I gave her a card with an invitation to get away for a weekend, just her and I. This morning she blasted me with “it will never happen unless I plan it!” and “that will only happen when pigs fly” and “I’d rather go with my girlfriends” and finally “after I’m dead, you can deal with the guilt of never planning anything like your dad!” I was absolutely shocked by this last comment because she was so much closer to my father then her own. There have been other times when she has unloaded on me like this, too. Yes, she does act very strange at times. Sometimes she is very close and cuddly and other times she can’t be in the same room as I am. So I know where you are coming from on that front.
I had to chuckle about the car comment. Last fall, she/we bought a little yellow convertible for our daughter who got her license (my wife knew the owner and has wanted to buy the car for the past 5 years). My daughter hates the car and my wife drives it all the time. I took it to work and one of my co-workers asked “who bought the midlife crisis car?”
My kids struggle with her behavior. My daughter gets very angry with her when her moods swing and my son is very confused. I try to reassure them but they know something is not right with their mother. They do not like the “new” her!
As to her having an affair, I don’t think she is but I am pretty sure she has a crush on our neighbor. His wife left him a couple of years ago (she was the same age my wife is now. I’m sure she was going through her change, too.) and has taken up with a really nice gal that my wife hates. It is a real source of concern for me. I am confident my neighbor would turn her down but I’m not sure how far she would go. If I paid half the attention to another woman that she pays to him, she would accuse me of having an affair.
Thanks for listening to a very frustrated husband. It does help to vent. I’ll try your suggestion on the journalling and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless, Jay
(ENGLAND) Jay… Thanks once again. As you say too …this has helped me quite a bit. By the way, how old is your wife? I actually think my wife is going through peri-menopause as she is actually 42. What is so coincidental is that she has turned out just like her mother. I remember 26 years ago she said to me “if I ever get like my mother, will you please tell me?” She unfortunately, cannot see this at the moment. As you say, it is sooooo difficult not to react, when someone you adore so much, really doesn’t appear to be even trying.
I did find a few messages on face book to a friend of mine (ex-friend) a few months back with a few untoward comments, that really broke my heart… but I do believe they are just words.
I do feel that maybe we should just be a little distant, as you say. If I was sending messages or flirting with someone …especially one of her friends she would be disgusted.
The main point is to stay strong, stay true and guide her along. God Bless you.
(USA) Hi Mark,
My wife was 45 when this all started and just turned 46 in October. The hardest part in all this is that my wife doesn’t understand what is happening with her own body and won’t even talk it over with her doctor!
It is really hard to stay positive sometimes. I love her so much and she is such a part of who and what I am. I can’t imagine life without her there. I look at this as proof as to how much I want us to get through this together and that gives me strength for one more day.
Prayer has been a great comfort to me. There is a small church not far from where I work and I go there almost everyday to pray for my wife and family and all the men and women going through this.
God Bless and I’ll keep praying for you!
Jay
(ENGLAND) And that is beautiful… for us to say that we still both love our wifes so dearly no matter what goes on is a real credit to us, and any other husband that is at the end of their teather over this part of their lifes.
I do hope that this is a short episode for us both and that in the end our wifes see that we have been supportive. I think in all realism that this is a trying time but with God Blessing and our understanding we can make it through. There have been a number of times myself, when I have thought it’s easier to give up and start again. But if our hearts are right and we have given everything we have and have tried as hard as possible then what more can we do?
It’s a good idea to go to the church and just talk to Christ about it all as it is relaxing and peaceful. Take care and God’s blessing on you and your family. Mark
(CANADA) I have posted to this website before and have been following the various posts. It seems that as husbands, we have been going the same issues when it comes to our wives and menopause. In my case, it has been increasingly difficult to the point that regardless of how hard I pray, my wife, who used to be my best friend, is becoming increasingly hostile and difficult, no matter what I do. I have prayed, I have taken the high road in my dealings with her and nothing seems to work.
Bottom line is that regardless of how badly I want to continue our marriage, and regardless of the fact that my faith continues to be strong, I have made the decision to end our marriage and separate and seek a divorce. I still love my wife and still want to be her best friend but I just can’t take the emotional ride any more.
Please pray that I have made the right decision. I will keep all of you in my prayers and hope they do more for you than they have done for me.
(USA) Don’t give up! Pray without ceasing! Your time and Gods time are not the same. Divorce is not the answer.
Hi Will. I’m so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now of your “best friend,” while your wife is going through menopause. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. I have to say that I definitely don’t think that anyone –husband or wife, can continue to live in a hostile home and allow contemptuous words to keep being thrown at them. That can become abusive (even if the wife IS menopausal). And abuse is wrong, no matter what the reasoning –no matter who is doing it.
I’m not thinking that she is abusing her boss (if she works outside of the home), nor is she abusing everyone else in her life (or she would run off everyone around her). So, for some reason, she has allowed herself to lower her standards and direct them mostly at you, because for some reason, she thinks she can give herself that permission. I believe in giving each other grace and space, during certain crisis times in our lives (and menopause is certainly a crisis time). But when it turns into abusive behavior –abuse that continues day-in-and-day-out, then it’s not acceptable and something needs to be done.
But I need to say that I don’t agree that you need to tack “divorce” onto separating. I believe that even allowing yourself to entertain the thought of divorce is premature. Separation and divorce don’t have to go hand-in-hand –especially if your statement that you “want to continue” your marriage, is true.
I encourage you to please go into the “Separation and Divorce” topic and read about separating with goals and “rules” and such. It IS possible to make the act of living separated work FOR your marriage, and FOR the process of reconciling your differences, if you don’t look at it as a stepping stone to divorce. The problem is that too many people use it as a stepping stone to “moving on” and testing the water outside of marriage. And that is SO misguided. I don’t usually recommend separation unless it is important for safety reasons and there isn’t any other reasonable way to work on your issues –sometimes having the space apart allows the couple to better come back together in a more peaceable way, later on. In your case, it seems like it’s necessary.
I would also encourage you to talk to a “marriage friendly” counselor about the types of guidelines you should set up in this separation BEFORE bringing the issue of separating up –finding out how to best approach it so you have the most possibility of this going in the direction of reconciling eventually (even if it takes a very long time to get there). You can better learn what a “marriage friendly” counselor is in the “Marriage Counseling” topic of our web site. Please know that not all counselors are marriage-friendly, as a matter of fact, most aren’t. You’ll better understand what I’m saying when you read through the topic. You might even contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – Canada, to find this type of counselor. They have a great ministry and I have a feeling they may know of a good counselor or marriage coach to help you. The purpose of this is to best help YOU in this whole situation. I’m not sure your wife would go along with going to a counselor or marriage coach right now, but I encourage you to do so. You need important guidance on this before you go about separating or thinking about divorce.
And lastly, I have a few books I recommend you read (without your wife seeing you read them, or they may bring out even more hostility). One is titled, Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life
and the other is titled, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It
–you may be able to find more resources than these when you scroll down in the Amazon recommendations below them, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind to help you sort out the various issues you’re encountering with your wife. They’re written by women (which you’re dealing with in your wife) so they may be able to give you greater insight.
Will, PLEASE consider this step. If your wife files for divorce (once you approach her about separating, and you’re done some “homework” on that issue first), then that is her choice. YOU wouldn’t be the one breaking covenant, she would be. You are trying to find a way to stop the hostility, get back your “best friend” in perhaps the best way you can, by taking one more heroic step. From what I surmise in what you wrote, you have been trying to be a hero here. Please know that I applaud you in that. I sure don’t underestimate your pain, nor your efforts to take the higher road, despite all your wife hurls at you. But I’m hoping you will make one more courageous step in trying to bring peace into your life and hopefully, into your marriage. I pray God’s wisdom for you and strength.
(USA) I am 44 and my wife is 48. This is my first marriage and this is her second. She has two wonderful kids from a first marriage lasting almost 5 years. We have been married over 15 yrs now. My wife is going through the pre-menopause stage I think right now. Bad hot flashes twice a day, lack of intimacy with me and just overall tiredness and female related issues.
As a stepfather, I tried to be there for the kids whenever they needed me from the ages of 5 and 7 when we met, until now at 20 and 22 yrs old and throughout their lives in the future. I also wanted their real father to be a part of their lives too, although he doesn’t seem to put much effort into their relationships from what I’ve seen (I don’t see him much now).
I felt when they moved in here with me at my house, it automatically became “our” house and I treated it like that since. But when I asked for help in cleaning up their rooms through my wife, she felt like I did not care about them or found fault with them. I did not find fault, since both are smart and polite young adults. I am not a lazy husband, but I just did not want to feel like the only housekeeper or free mechanic or errand boy.
My wife loves coffee, and I would provide her almost daily with a hot cup brought to her feet from Tim Horton’s, all with the intention that I did it because I truly loved her. I got tired of sleeping by myself and her spending a lot of time on the computer or sleeping over at her mom’s (I am happy they are close). But if she wanted me to come home each night and made efforts to make me happy with little things, and I showed my appreciation by spending a lot of my free time at my Dad’s (even sleeping over) or online continously, I would look like a jerk who does not care about my wife.
Some couples have dealt with much more serious problems in their marriage. I just hope her hormones stabilize enough to have her see what my honest and sincere attempts have been over the years to our family. Since guys don’t have pre-menopause cycles in our bodies, our lives are generally shorter by 8-10 years with what I’ve heard, so I’m okay with cashing out earlier if it means a more stable lifetime. That’s just me talking though… Thanks for listening – Steve
(ENGLAND) It is so sad to read this topic, as everyone who has read previous posts by me, will know that I have gone through exactly the same.
I feel that the greatest loss out of this is as everyone says, “they have lost their best friend.” It is a shame that through all this that our wifes cannot see this.
Men usually are the ones that painstakingly provide for the home for years, before anyone mentions it. Yes, the wives are there providing the back up service for children, home life etc; I know that. The pressure over the husbands is to provide stability and probably foremost, the financial side of it. This is a very great pressure and I feel that this is in a lot of marriages overlooked.
My situtaion doesn’t seam to change. I believe to live in a loveless marriage is wrong, and I do not think that our God would want that. What I find hard however, is that If we are all continuing to pray and not a second of the day goes by without thinking of this difficult situation, we still are so in love with our wives, we are thinking of our family situations, then why does he not intervene in such a simple problem? That’s where we become despondent.
I do agree that the course of action should come from them, if they want to seperate then that is their will, and NOT the will of a loving husband who is trapped on an emotional rollercoaster.
I can totally understand that a sexless life is indeed one of the greatest problems, when you are in love with someone and they are not even appearing to try, then you do, like me, feel whats the point.
It is so easy to get aggressive and nasty, when you feel that they have taken a precious thing to you away, then you feel you must do the same, and that could be money and your marriage certificate… I totally understand.
I have now waited 50 days for my wife to get her “act together” in the bedroom department and most other non-Christian relationships would have shot to the nearest “ready and willing” avenue. What is the answer to this? I am sorry I haven’t got one either, I can only say that we do not know how long this will go on for we do not know whether their flames will be lit again. I have read however that there are cases where the marriage is stronger afterwards, due to the wifes realizing how supportive you have been and go into emotional meltdown when they realize this.
To cap… I do not think a divorce is the answer. I could have done this myself and have looked into it. I think they need love still, so that when they realize what they have been like they are crushed by their own stupidity. As stated before, keep a diary instead of making comments… Lets all make a pact to pray for each other …keep a list of all those posting in this section in YOUR WALLETS and pray for us all …God Bless …Mark
(ENGLAND) O.K. …Lets all do this. Please copy and paste this list to be kept in your wallets and purses… Please all pray over the list at least once a day. If we all do this and ask for Our Lord to intervene in relationships, mend our friendships, give understanding, remove frustration, re-new the bonds of love and guide us in our best directions, then he will know that we all mean what we say and we all need help.
Please could you reply simply saying “amen” to the list so we know how many are on to building the future as a family unit? God Bless.
Karl, Michael, Shea, Sue, Jannie, Dave, Brian, Bob, Mandy, Alex, Carole, Tim, Steve, Mark, Francis, Will, Jay, Hector, Good, David, Mike, John, Jess, Ed, Donna, Greg, Catherine, Bob, Jim, Cris, Dan
Please all pray for hope, understanding, and the rebuilding of love within us and our families.
Mark, Steve and I join you in praying for the families represented on this web site. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) We are asking God to “fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.” (Colossians 1:9-10)
(USA) Amen! I wish older women that have went through this ordeal in their lives and kept their marriages strong and intact could share their feelings. My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage because my mom began to start acting very different from her normal self, almost like she was a school girl just noticing boys. My dad is not perfect as we all are not, but things could have been much different and he took it hard. After the divorce, my mom’s new boyfriend brought her standards down, used up her money and she let herself go downhill physically.
Today she is in a nursing home as a result of a stroke 7 years ago brought on by not using her medicine she needed that her boyfriend said was too expensive. I love her still, but I don’t think she would have had this happen if she was married to my father? He was very responsible all through their marriage and never cheated. They probally could have tried to reignite the spark in their lives and maybe things would be different today? I don’t know. My dad is a great guy and has been there whenever I needed him. My life is better because of him.
My mom was a wonderful mom growing up to us and we were very blessed because of her. It’s sad to think menopause could have done this to my parents? Again, I don’t know, but I pray my marriage can get stronger and deeper with my wife during this time. Pray to God for His help to our families. Amen… Steve
(USA) Hi Steve, I’m a 50 yrs old woman. I’m going through menopause. I have it under control with this stuff called DIM-PLUS. My sister told me about it and it has helped alot. It can take a Huge toll on a woman’s health and moods. A woman has to want to help herself to feeling better. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink”. We can be stubborn at times. Walking helped me deal with menopause. Sorry, about your Mother & Father. Menopause takes a hard toll on women and their husbands. It’s a Emotional Roller Coaster that you want to get off of. I would have these crying fits, hot flashes, night sweats and couldn’t sleep; no sex drive, mood swings. There needs to be more support groups for this to help Men and Women. Have a Good Day!!!
(USA) AMEN! I will keep praying for all who are going through this incredibly trying time. May we all come through with a stronger, deeper love for God and our spouse! May God Bless and keep you all!
(CANADA) Amen. I will keep all in my prayers. Thanks for your prayers and your responses. You have made some very good points and I appreciate them all. Despite the continuing silence and hostility from my wife and that my strength to deal with the current situation is nearly gone, I realize that I have to allow God’s plan to unfold and continue to pray for my wife, our marriage and for strength and patience.
Cindy, you are correct in that I cannot break our marriage convenant and have to let my wife make the first move, which I am sure she will any day now. I will look up the publications you listed and hope for guidance. I have seen a counselor on the issue and you are also right, most counsellors are not pro marriage and the one I have seen is counselling me to move on with my life and leave my marriage for the good of my health. This is a very confusing and painful time in losing someone who was my best friend and have to deal with the silence and hatred she exudes on a daily basis but all I can do is continue to pray for guidance. As I will do for everyone who has posted to this site.
(USA) Will, I am so sorry to read about your decision to separate and end your marriage. I can’t even begin to imagine the anguish you are going through. I know I have considered the same steps more than once in the past year.
I hope you will take Cindy’s advice about just separating for now. Maybe this is the space your wife needs to work on herself and the issues she is facing. It would also give you time to recover your strength and well being and allow both of you to come to some kind of reconciliation.
I have been and will continue to pray for you, your wife and your family. Know that you are not alone! Please keep in touch and if you have any special intentions that you would like me to pray for, just let me know.
May God keep and bless you. May He show you the right path and give you the strength and courage to follow it. Always remember He is with you always and will never abandon you!
(UK) Amen!!!
(U.K.) Thank you for your replies. It is wonderful to see that we all have a common bond of Trust in our Lord. I am praying daily for these people and others on the list. God Bless You all… Please post when you Life changes as positive points will be so encouraging.
(ENGLAND) I trust that everyone is well with the Lord. My last post was asking anyone to write back with any good news. Sadly, I see that there doesn’t appear to be any. Likewise, I still feel despondent. There seems to be no let up in the mental torture and I ask in Jesus’s name that there is more love given to us, more understanding. I must admit that I have gotten to the stage where I even wonder if there is anything wrong with her, whether it was
completely me who was in love with her, but she wasn’t with me. It’s sad to say it. Any correspondance would be great. Kind regards…
(CANADA) Hi Mark, I have been monitoring this website over the past few weeks since my last post but haven’t posted anything because unfortunately I don’t have any good news. My wife has told me in no uncertain terms that she is leaving me and moving into a condo she bought some time ago. However, she is still living at home and living in the basement and the daily rejection and hostility is almost too much to take. There is still very little communication and any that there is, is very hostile. She has told me that she has found God and and is following God’s wishes for her, which I guess means God wants her to leave me.
She says she is also planning on quitting her job, which she has been in for over 30 years and moving away to live in New York. She also says she never loved me and hasn’t been my friend for years. All of this she says while she insists she isn’t crazy. She also insisted I tell the kids she is leaving me, which I have and is one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Over Easter we included her in our plans for Easter dinner and she joined us but lambasted me for that, as well.
During all of this, I have tried to maintain communication with her and have taken the high road in the relationship. I have been supportive and open and have done everything I can to not provoke her or argue with her. She now accuses me of “not getting it” and trying to hang on to her and making it more difficult to leave me, the house, our dogs and her yard.
This has been very difficult for me and I am an emotional wreck. I don’t mind saying that many mornings recently, I have woken up and found no reason to go on living. So far I have been able to avoid doing anything to hurt myself. While I continue to pray for my wife and kids and our relationship, it seems that God is not answering my prayers. I don’t see God’s plan in all of this but I hope to see it some day. Sorry I’m not to be able to give you any good news. It has been all downhill.
Soooo sorry, Will. Your wife is delusional in saying that this is “God’s wish” for her. Since the covenant of marriage is equated with God’s love for the church (throughout the Bible), what she’s saying is that His “wish” for the church is to be left abandoned, unloved, confused, with no opportunity to experience reconciliation. Truly… that is the opposite of everything we’re told in the Bible. She has obviously found a different god –not the God we know.
Will, all I can say is to stay the course. God has a plan for your life, as He has for Mark’s, even if sadly, your wife won’t join you in it. Your children still need to have one steadfast, faithful parent –one who lives in Truth –despite all that is a assaulting your emotions and is turning your life upside down. Guard your heart… don’t allow yourself to get entangled with anyone else, because you can be very vulnerable through all of this because of the rejection you are experiencing. Be “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:58). Though your wife is showing herself to be unfaithful in living out her vows and “finishing well,” I encourage you to do what you can to not allow her poor choices to detour you from living your life, as God ordains. Stay humble, faithful, and work on your own issues. Who knows what the future will bring?
Will, I also encourage you to cry out to God… ask Him to give you hope –even though your wife won’t –to give you hope that your world will not close up if she goes through with these horrible decisions. I sense that as she accuses you of “not getting it,” she knows deep down that what she is doing is not right (unless she is overcome with delusion). That’s why she has said you are “making it more difficult” for her to leave. It’s not only about the stuff… it’s about leaving that, which she shouldn’t –including you.
I don’t want to give you false hope, but to help you to know that your whole life is not enfolded into her. Yes, this is a horrible thing she is doing to you, to your life, to your children’s life, to her life, and to all. But you CAN get to a better place eventually, even if she leaves. It’s not something you want, God would want, or should be, but God is able to resurrect a dead life and breathe new life into it. IF she follows through with this terrible plan, please do all you can to hang onto your senses, make wise and faithful choices to live your life, and see how God unravels this thing. It’s not that God has not been working on your behalf, as you pray, but rather that your wife is not listening… at least, not yet. He won’t force her, but ever underestimate what God can do, with one heart that is obedient and looking to Him for direction. I hope and pray good for you, Will. I pray God will infuse hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
(USA) Hi Will, I am so sorry to read about what is happening in your relationship with your wife. It is so hard when you love someone so much and they hurt you so deeply. When I read the comment about being an emotional wreck and having no reason to go on living, my heart just broke for you. I, too, have been there. I have prayed many times that God would take me home, that I couldn’t handle one more day of the pain and sorrow. Today I went to a small church near my work and cried. I could only say just a few prayers. I couldn’t even ask God to give me the strength to go on. I prayed that he would forgive my sins and take me home to Him. But I did walk out of church knowing I would rather die than break my marriage vows. If my marriage ends, it will be my wife’s doing, not mine.
I know this is not uplifting at all. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. Please hang on. I hope you can find the strength to be there for your kids… that’s what I hang onto. Without them, I would truly be lost.
It is in these times that God holds us close. I sometimes think that God has abandoned me but really, it is I who have walked away from Him. He is always there and he will guide my steps even if I can’t see the path. Will, we are all precious in God’s eyes. Please do not give up on yourself! You are loved! Thank you for being here! With Love in Christ, Jay
(USA) Hi Mark, Will and everyone else, I, too, have been watching for new posts and was surprised to see so many new posts in such a short time. For me, things are still up and down but getting better. My wife and I had been doing real well for a while and then Valentine’s Day hit (see my post from February 15th). About a week before Easter, we had a real frank conversation about our marriage. I had set up a bed in a spare room because of the poor sleep I was getting on the couch.
My wife was very unhappy about this and lots of other things she vented. She kept coming back to the statement “I’m counting days.” I asked what she meant by this and she told me “I’m counting the days until you die.” I told her that I was sorry she felt that way and that I have caused her so much pain but I wasn’t going to stay in the relationship if that is the way she felt. Not really resolving anything, she went to bed and I settled in on the couch.
At about three in the morning she came downstairs and over to the couch and hugged me and told me she loved me! I apologized again for all the pain I had caused her. We held each other for quite some time, cried a bit and went back to bed together.
I feel we had a real breakthrough later that week when she told me she thought she might be going through a “hormonal shift.” I was so happy to hear that! We continue to work together to manage the ups and downs. I give her more time to exercise and get out of the house and the kids and I do more to keep the house picked up. I also plan romantic dates for the two of us and try to do nice things for her like bringing her flowers, just calling her to tell her how special she is or thanking her for all she does.
I thank God for all this! I realize how little or no control I have over the situation. I turned it over to God and asked him to help me know what to do. I let God reshape me into the kind of husband that I need to be right now for my wife. I didn’t do anything more than let God take control of my life. What happened for me and my marriage was a Lenten pilgrimage to God.
I know that this is far from over. I’m sure we will still have our times when I do something to send her over the edge again. We both have a lot of work to do to strengthen our marriage to be menopausal proof and I know I am one of the lucky ones right now.
For all who struggle with this, keep faith with God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Let God lead you through the dark paths of life and be open to His plan for you. I will continue to pray for all of you. With Love in Christ, Jay
(USA) Hi everyone, I guess my wife and I have hit one of those down times. This morning we started planning a nice weekend together and at 3:00 this afternoon she informed me she would not be going anywhere with me this weekend. She started bringing up things from years ago about my shortcomings and what a rotten person I am. I really struggle with the mood swings. They are the worst! How we can go from being all excited about time together to not wanting to be anywhere near me, boggles my mind. Please pray that this will be short-lived. God’s Peace, Jay
(USA) Hi, I’m 48 and my wife will soon be 51. She has been going through menopause for about 2 years. Tried progesterone with bad side effects, so she was taken off that. Not currently on meds. Last week, she tells me she’s moving from WV to AZ. She loves it there and says she wants to live there before she gets too old to enjoy it. Totally out of character and sudden. Could this be from menopause? Thanks and God bless!!!
Craig… Yep! That’s not at all uncharacteristic of decisions that can be made during Menopause. I’m sorry for the difficulty of this situation and how it is taking a toll on your marriage.
(USA) Cindy, Thanks for that. Did I mention that she is leaving me here? I told her I couldn’t make her stay or go, but I am going to show and tell her how much I love her each and every day! I told her I miss my wife, I love her, and I want her back! She’s not talking about moving for a few months, and then tonight she was talking about wanting to take a cruise from Baltimore to New England. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions here. Other than continuous prayer, what else do you think might help?
Craig, Every woman is different in how Menopause affects them, but it’s not unusual to slide all over the place in decision-making. She may not know what she wants. I’ll tell you, it’s not at all “fair” but if you can be steadfast in showing love –I’m not talking about enabling bad behavior, but by showing her every day in different ways that you love her, it COULD go a long way. This is a time when many women need an extra dose of grace. My husband gave it to me during that time. I am now SO grateful, in so many ways. I hope you can do that for her. I wish you well.
(ENGLAND) Craig, Certainly if this seems out of the blue then it probably is a menopausal thing. I have studied this for approx 8 months now, as my wife has become distant from me. I feel that women do go through on a number of occasions where they re-evaluate their lives. Men do not really do this. They look back on the fact that they were needed by children, they built their nests, they were nurses to grazed knees, the were shoulders to cry on when the children’s relationships went wrong, they were Taxi drivers.
What appears to happen is the nest is broken, the fledglings leave, and they are left thinking what have I got now, and seem to lose the ability of looking into the future with happiness. Therefore re-evaluation starts and unfortunately we take the brunt of it. Couples gradually lose the art of conversation and they slowly drift apart as the common bond is the kids. We are usually out at work fending for money to enable the home to run smoothly. They do seem to forget this stability.
The above may answer the emotional question and as long as there is no other parties involved, it is possible in some cases, to chuck a few logs on the fire and make the flame burn brighter.
Are you both Christians? Do you both believe that marriage is a sacred bond? You are on an emotional roller coaster, which at times you want to throw yourself off, live with the bruises and get out of it. But remember roller coasters and life has always had its ups and downs. Live for the thrill of the highs …pull out old photos, talk together about them …do you remember when this happened? …That was so funny…. (all these talking points).
It’s a start of talking …It’s a start for rebuilding (at least you have tried then). God Bless, my friend. You are in all our prayers.
(ENGLAND) To WILL, firstly Will, I am very sorry to hear this. One thing that I feel Our Lord is asking me to say to you, is it MUST not be you who tells the children she is going, she is making this awful decision, therefore it should not be you who has to do this. She will have to face up to the responsibility of her actions, her thoughts and the way she has dealt with this.
If you tell her that this is her decision and that she MUST do this and say that you are not the one who is going to break your family up, and that you have no intention of doing it, it is then souly her choice.
This God that she has found, certainly cannot be right, If Our God is a God of forgiveness and love, then I am happy to say she hasn’t found him.
Thank you for the reply. Please say the above in a cold way stating that you have no intention in beaking up this family and make sure you SAY THE CHILDREN’S names individually as you say it. God Bless and I feel that this will help you. Mark
(CANADA) Thanks Cindy and Mark for the response. I have found this website to be a strong source of support in these difficult times and appreciate your replies. I have found that while my faith has never been tested as much as it is now and have never had as many doubts, at the same I have found my faith to be stronger.
Cindy, that is an interesting comment about watching my heart. It is something I am concerned about as well and fearful of due to hurt and rejection I am experiencing. I certainly take comfort in your other words of encouragement.
With respect to telling the kids, I found it better to tell the kids myself and even though it was a difficult discussion, it was better that I tell them so they realize I still love their mother and want to keep the marriage together. They had subsequent discussions with her and realize that this is something that she feels she needs to do in order to be happy and they realize that she is and has been going through a difficult period. Even they remarked that she is not the same person they knew a few years ago and that she is acting in a way that is hurtful to myself and our family. Overall its a very difficult situation that we are all in.
Thanks again for your support.
(USA) Hi Will, I am so very sorry for all that is happening to you. I posted up a couple of responses to your posts and I hope they will give you some comfort. I pray that you will find the peace and strength to carry on. I know all about the rollercoaster of emotions that you are feeling. The ups and downs are so difficult to deal with but I take comfort and draw strength from my children. They are my rocks to hold onto during all this. I pray that you can do the same. I will keep you, your wife and your family in my prayers. Love in Christ, Jay
(CANADA) Thanks Jay for the words of support and the prayers. Over the the weekend my wife left me and moved out of the house. She was convinced that this was the road to being happy and this is Gods will, even though she said it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing that I could have done to change things and I deserve to be happy.
Needless to say I am lost and don’t know where to go. Not only have I lost my best friend but I also feel I have lost my relationship with God. While prayers seem to work for others, for me God is ignoring me. That is the worst part. I am so lost and confused and don’t know what the future holds or how I can go on.
(ENGLAND) Will …My prayers go out for you fully that you will recieve strength and guidance. I hope that one day these men’s wives will receive some understanding that their husbands loved them so dearly. Any husband looking on the internet and asking friends what they should do is clearly a good husband. Never doubt that.
O.k. we all make mistakes and say things out of place at times, but unless the woman is living in a completely non caring non supporting and loveless marriage then really to be quite frank “what is their problem?”
I really feel so sadened by all these men that are obviously praying and are hurt by the problems this is causing. I too feel very despondent at times, as you know I am living in a relationship that as hit a brick wall after 26 years of being together and to be honest I blame Facebook, Jeremy Kyle, desperate Housewifes and their seeming influence of women’s brain patterns.
We live in a world of the ‘we are better off being single parents’ and where a government and media seemingly wants division in families, especially when they have advertisements that mainly only ever mention the mother.
WILL, I really do prayer that she’ll be back in Gods time. Remember that all things happen for the right reasons. I agree that I too have a problem of “where is he when I need him” at times, but you will receive strength and guidance. God Bless You and your family. Mark
(USA) Will, I have struggled this week trying to come up with the right words to say to you. Please don’t give up on God because God has not given up on you! I know this and I live this. There have been many times when I have been at the end and can’t take another step and something happens to give me the strength to continue. Sometimes, I am not even aware of what God has sent my way to help me until long after the crisis is past.
God is not ignoring you, His plan is just different than your plan. Nobody but God can see tomorrow and He is already there! Will, you are precious to God and your life and your struggles are a great testament to the power of God in your life. No one could go through what you are going through without the grace and love of God! I have read your posts and felt the pain and even in that, I can hear and feel God’s love through you. None of us would fight this hard to save someone we love without His Grace.
Will, it is in times like this that God carries us and holds us up. Please don’t give up on your life. Find a support group or talk to your pastor or keep posting to this site and I promise I will alway answer you. I pray for you every day and I will keep doing so. Please respond as soon as you can. Your friend in Christ, Jay
(CANADA) Thanks Jay for you comments and for your prayers and support. My wife has moved virtually all her belongings out of the house and into her condominium but continues to sleep in the basement of our house in a spare bedroom and does not acknowledge my existance when she is home. I expect her to move out completely any day now but I don’t say or do anything to push her out and try to accomodate her.
This continues to be a difficult time and a roller coaster of emotions from acceptance of the fact that the marriage is over and that I have to move on, to very down periods where I still wonder what the future holds for me. It’s the continuing change in emotions that I find so confusing and difficult to deal with. In all of this though, I continue to pray for my wife and for our marriage as well as strength and guidance in dealing with this situation. Although I don’t understand God’s plan in this, I have to trust in him going forward because at this point that is all I have. Thanks again for your prayers and support.
(USA) Mark, I have to agree with you that society’s solution to marriage problems is divorce. I know I have faced that pressure from the people around me. To me, they do not understand the depth of commitment I have to my wife. The Christian world has defintely lost its way and has become secular and divided. That is why it is so important to be the Christian example for all the world to see as we battle through this terrible time in our lives.
I’m sorry things have not gotten better for you and your wife. I pray for you and your family almost everyday. My relationship is up for a while then down for a while. When I look back, I start to wonder if peri-menopause didn’t start a lot earlier than last year… I sure hope it did!
Any talk of counseling? That is a difficult thing to bring up but maybe it would help break the stalemate. Never lose sight of the fact that you are a great husband with all that you have done and tried to do. Men who don’t love their wives as you do would have walked out long ago. Don’t give up! God is with you! Your friend in Christ, Jay
(ENGLAND) Thank you so much for your prayer support. I do especially feel I need it at the moment. Even though it is easy to see a sad view of the situation I have to admit that I do feel some good is coming out of this.
I feel that the devil is having a good kick at us all but at least we live knowing the last chapter of the book
and it doesn’t look to good for him. Kind regards and please keep praying… all of us. God Bless, Mark
(USA) Mark, Do not hesitate to post any question, comment or prayer request. I check the site everyday or two and am glad to listen to whatever is going on. I am so thankful for Cindy and Steve for having this fabulous website for sharing solid Christian ideas and values for people who are struggling. Hopefully these struggles will bring us all closer to God. You and your family are always in my prayers. Your friend in Christ, Jay
(USA) Will, Reading how your wife continues to sleep at your home makes me wonder if she isn’t just as scared and confused about the future as you are. This must be so hard for you and her. All I can recommend is to be strong and as normal as possible so she knows that there is a safe haven for her in you.
Something I hope you will do is get involved with life. I’ve been married for almost 24 years and there are many activities I have set aside since marriage and children. Try to think of some of the things you did before that you have set aside or something you would like to try. Maybe volunteering at church or food shelf, scuba diving, joining a cribbage league or learning archery (or other things) might help keep your mind off your situation. Hard as this may be, this could be a time for you to learn about yourself and explore the world around you.
You and your family are in my prayers everyday and I hope you find peace. Your friend in Christ, Jay