“Five thousand American women enter it every day. No, it’s not a day spa. Nor is it an outpatient clinic for plastic surgery. And it’s certainly not optional —although many options exist for dealing with it. It’s menopause —often referred to as The Big M. Over the generations it’s been called The Change of Life —for more reasons than one.
“For many women, menopause comes abruptly, far sooner than 51. The average age of the body’s natural cessation of menses—due to the six thousand hysterectomies performed in the U.S. each year. For the rest, this unavoidable rite of passage often sneaks up after a six-month to ten-year hormonal time warp called peri-menopause” (Ronna Synder, from Todayschristianwoman.com article “Managing Menopause”).
MENOPAUSE: Reality Hits Hard
If you’re a husband reading what Ronna wrote, it can be a real slap of reality. One year, one month, one week, one day seems too long to go through this. And yet, many of you know, this is just the beginning of a long season. It’s a very long, long season of difficulties, for your wife and for you!
We wish that marriages could come with a manual on “what to do if…” but unfortunately they don’t.
However, we live in a time where we aren’t left entirely alone as far as not having any information available to help us! Many people have lived through a few things and have learned through a few things. Fortunately, they are willing to pass on to others (such as ourselves) what they have learned.
And that applies to the subject of Menopause. How do you survive this transition of life and help your wife the best way you can? There’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer to that, but author Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an article that might help you in some way with that dilemma.
Survival Reading
Below you will find a link to the helpful web site of Family Life Today. On their web site they have posted the following article for your reading pleasure. Or maybe we should say, it’s for your “survival.”
As you read through this linked article ask God to show you what information you can apply to your marriage:
• WHAT WIVES WISH THEIR HUSBANDS KNEW ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ALSO, CONCERNING MENOPAUSE:
Below is a link to a blog where a husband asks the following question:
Question:
My wife is going through menopause and I am feeling kicked out of a relationship that I really want. She doesn’t want physical contact, most of the time. The sex drive is less than off. She thinks that is all I think about. But it has been nearly year and a half. I am 11 years younger and need some advice.
Please click onto the Dailystrength.org link provided below to read more:
• WOMEN: I Need Your Help and Advice
And then, below you’ll find something written by Paul Byerly. It is posted on The-generous-Husband.com web site. I’m thinking that the insights Paul gives will be helpful:
For those of you who truly want to help your wife, the following advice comes from the Todays Christian Woman article titled, “Managing Menopause.” It is written by Ronna Snyder. I sure wish I would have had this info when I was going through Menopause. It’s difficult to find info that addresses spiritual issues, as well as physical and emotional ones. It is also inspiring to read.
Here’s a Sneak Preview:
“Get a Meno MAKEOVER:
Since I saw a number of my peers wilting at this stage of life, I decided to head full-tilt into it—literally. I followed an older meno-mentor’s example and bought a Harley-Davidson. I got a treadmill and began actually using it. Also, I revamped my wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyle, peeling off a few extra years and infusing myself with confidence. And I wasn’t shy about telling my husband and family what I was going through. This helped them become more supportive.
“I purposely deleted energy-robbing (including some church and Bible study) responsibilities from my calendar. I added naps to my to-do list, and bulked up on complex carbs and low-fat proteins, dropping ten pounds in the process. But most importantly, I sought out friends —both old and new. These are friends who had youthful, positive attitudes, yet wise spiritual values that helped me remember I still could make an eternal impact for God’s Kingdom. It didn’t matter whether or not I was peri-menopausal!”
That’s great advice —something your wife may find inspiring.
Above all, I hope and pray that you and your wife can both hold on and partner with each other to get yourselves through this season of marriage. Please know that it is a season. It won’t last forever.
Looking Back
Being on the other side of this, I look back and wonder, “What WAS that?” Thank God it didn’t last forever. It seemed like it would (for both of us), but it didn’t.
I thank God we were able to hold onto each other through some really tough times during that season. Every marriage goes through storms. And this definitely was a stormy time… a long one. But it’s one of those seasons that is important to persevere through, as God can lead you. The Bible talks about the importance of persevering. It’s best for us all to remember that.
I also thank God for the grace that my husband gave me during this time. As I wrote before, we are on the other side of this season. I appreciate it more than I could ever express that my husband extended grace when I’m sure he wanted to do just the opposite. He hugged me when I wasn’t very huggable, and sympathized with me when I needed it. He found ways to make me laugh when it was needed. Steve also gave me grace —extending unmerited favor over and over again. Oh how I love that man for doing that for me.
And oh how much more wonderful our marriage is than it ever has been before. We weathered this together (as we’ve weathered other tough issues). And what we’ve found is that we’re all the more rich for it.
We have some dear friends who also have “weathered” the Menopause storm. We encourage husbands and wives to read: MENOPAUSE: A Season We Didn’t See Coming.
I Pray for You
I pray you will get to this place too.
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men Mental and Physical Health
(ENGLAND) Will, I would definitely agree with Will here… It would seem that she does not fully want to leave … just has a mixed up head at the moment.
I have decided to change my own prayer pattern. It’s easy to pray for a change to make my wife re-kindle the spark for me…. but without a change in the heart of the person it isn’t going to happen. The only way that our wives heart’s can change is through the Holy Spirit. The difficult thing is we are dealing with past issues, and it is this that needs mellowing, softening and forgiving.
I bet like me, your wife has said this that has hurt her in her life that you are responsible for, but there are also things that you hold against her that you could bring up into the argument…
(This is the difference strategy) Firstly, prayer for forgiveness with God for what you have done. This will mellow your heart of the anguish, you cannot change her remember that.
Secondly pray for her, pray and thank God for the beauty of love in the good times, pray and thank him for your children, pray and thank for your health over the years.
Thirdly pray that you will be given rebuilding of your heart of devastation. Pray that you too will learn to love her for what she is. Pray for peace in her heart, pray for peace in your heart
Do you see the pattern here? Whatever you feel in yourself… hurt, love hate, anguish…. Prayer for her first and not yourself.
I have been trying this for about 3 weeks now and it does work. When your feel hurt from her… pray for her first. Pray for her hurt and mixed thoughts, and then pray for forgiveness for what she says you have done. If you haven’t done it… then pray that you will never do it. It completely occupies your time, you say nothing back in hurt or rage (that’s the hard part) because you stand there praying inwardly. You know the true you; you know your true feelings. Just because she says things about you …it does not mean they are true.
Keep praying, my friend… and a much better future waits for you. Our Lord is just putting the final pieces of the Jigsaw in. Remember this is in his time. God Bless you all …Mark
(CANADA) Thanks for all the support, especially Mark and Jay. My wife is still at home although most of her belongings have disappeared. She sleeps and stays in the basement and ignores me and comes upstairs when I leave the house. I am not sure why. I don’t provoke or argue with her. I give her space and I pray for her. It is so hard to lose my best friend.
I still love her and am committed to the marriage. I think I will lose her but at least I have taken the high road. For those that are dealing with a situation like this I would recommend a book by Charles Stanley on How to Handle Adversity
. It deals with issues of where God is in this. It has helped me and I pray it helps others.
In the meantime, I can only pray for strength and to understand God’s plan in all of this. I also pray for others who are dealing with this. It is definitely a challenge and a roller coaster of emotions. Pp
(ENGLAND) The most difficult thing to understand in these relationships is that these wives including my own
do not know what they really want. Most non-Christian men would have probably have said “pack your bags and go now then, if you don’t like it” so why do we put up with it?
As everyone says… we are to act like our Lord in these situations. What would his reaction have been then? Did he not walk away at times when he couldn’t see a change in someone, and he would have known future events.
I am finding it very hard at the moment, I am very tired of this ongoing 8 month problem, so any encouragement would be brilliant, we all seem to hit a low point from time to time …and I feel it’s my turn. Take care all and God Bless …Mark
(USA) Mark, I am praying hard for you! Please hang in there! I know my time is coming soon and will need all the prayers I can get. Our anniversary is coming in a month and that was the major event which got all this started. It is at times like these that we need to dig deep and find that unconditional love Jesus had.
Remember, too, that Jesus went to the cross and didn’t turn away as hard as it was! That is the kind of love we as husbands have to exhibit. Will it work out? I don’t know but what a noble sacrifice to make! Just remember, there is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend. Be Jesus as best as you can. God Bless and pray for all of us as we pray for you! Love in Christ, Jay
(ENGLAND) Thank you Jay, you are totally correct in your comments. I will pray harder for you too. I pray that there will be a big revival in all of our hearts and that through this we will be stronger and that really big things are going to happen to re kindle the flame.
The devil will throw as much as he can at us to try to stop any change in someone praying for protection against this. He must be sooo angry with us all especially if through this we all become closer and other move closer to God. God Bless… Your brother in Christ
I have to say that so many of you guys are my heroes. You’re facing horrible circumstances in your marriages, but you’re trying to work things out and take the high road as best as you can. Please know that I’ve been reading every one of your comments (I’m sure others are, as well) and I cry with you guys, pray for you, and thank God for the men of integrity that you are living out in your everyday lives. You are courageous men, even if your wives don’t see it (yet). I pray someday they will. I love being your sister-in-Christ!
I found an article posted on The-generous-husband.com, which I read every day, as well, that has a few things in it that might help in some way. It doesn’t exactly fit, but some of the solutions for the “yelling, obstruction, and emotional blackmail” may be helpful for some of you. Also, Paul Byerly, who writes that blog is a good guy and may answer and even address some of your concerns if you write to him. It’s sure worth a try! You can find the article at: http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2012/05/24/yelling-obstruction-and-emotional-blackmail/.
God’s blessings on you men! “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:3-6)
(CANADA) Sorry for not responding earlier but I have been reading the posts but have also been too emotionally tapped out and havent been able to respond. My wife continues to slowly move her belongings out of the house and has only a few things left. It has been two months since she started the process and it’s like watching my world unravel in slow motion. But she continues to sleep in the house and has even done some work on her flower beds. No idea why if she is leaving. She still isn’t talking to me so there is no communication. Needless to say it is very confusing and emotionally draining never knowing what she is thinking and when she will move out entirely. I continue to pray for her and pray for strength and wisdom in dealing with this situation. As well I continue to pray to someday understand God’s plan in this.
To Jay and Mark, all I can say is that one has to continue to pray and to trust that this is all part of God’s plan. What is important isn’t as much what is happening but it is how do we respond to it and how God is using to shape us. He does have a plan even if we cannot understand it at this time. However, it doesn’t make the situation better. I know that as much as anyone.
I can go for several days feeling ok and then suddenly become an emotional wreck and want to give up. It’s all part of the process and there is nothing anybody can do about it. We just have to keep our faith and continue with our prayers, even if the outcome with our wives isnt what we hope. We just have to trust in God that eventually things will be ok. It is not an easy path but hope that helps. You all continue to be in my prayers.
Will, I don’t know the whole dynamic of what’s going on but do you think you can tell your wife once again that you don’t want her to leave? Sometimes a woman will do things and say things that indicate they want you to leave or that they will leave but it’s really a last ditch effort put forth, hoping that the husband will talk them out of it. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s what many, many wives do sometimes. They will do everything they can to make it look like they hate you and want you gone out of their lives –being real mean about it, but there’s actually a plea going on deep inside of them, which is saying, “Please fight FOR me… please show me that you want me… show me that you will go the extra mile to keep me in your life. Please be my hero here.”
I don’t know if this is what your wife is experiencing. Perhaps not, but perhaps. With men, it’s usually much simpler. What they say is usually what they mean. So when they hear their wife saying, “go away or I will go away,” men will oftentimes be very noble and think, “I will grant her this.” To them, this is the heroic act. They will die on their sword, so to speak, and sacrifice what they want, thinking this is what the wife wants. But what they don’t know is that many times the wife is actually hoping he will try to keep them together (unless it’s an abusive situation).
The Bible says that the “meek” are blessed, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Meek doesn’t mean weak; it means strength under control. Perhaps if you approach her in a humble and tender way, yet strong in the strength the Lord gives you… at the right time and place… and tell her that you wish she would stay, perhaps she might do so. She might be hoping inside that you will. It’s a chick-flick type of moment that many women hope for. I might be wrong in this, but I’m not sure that I am.
I just wanted to put this out there for you to prayerfully consider. Even though she has moved most of her things out, the fact that she’s still coming around kind of gives me an inkling that she wants to stay, but that she feels she has been so “bad” that you wouldn’t want her to stay and yet there is a secret yearning in her heart that you will ask her to stay anyway. And don’t let the silent treatment throw you off –it’s all part of this whole “scene.” I know this is all confusing… but that’s what women can be sometimes –especially when hormones are out of whack. With your wife, I don’t know, because I don’t know here. Maybe this isn’t going on inside, but maybe… most likely, maybe. Please pray about this.
(USA) I am 33 and my wife is 27. A year and an half ago, my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer which already spread to her liver, lungs, and abdomen. She is still going through chemotherapy to this day. She also did radiation with chemo last year between surgeries. Chemo and radiation put her through early menopause at the age of 26 and made her incapable of physically having sex due to what radiation did down there. We did save her eggs so that when the cancer is gone, we can go ahead and start our family (hopefully).
It has been almost a year now since we were physically able to have sex. We still get intimate but it’s nothing like it used to be. I still have the sex drive that I had at 18 and feel like she does not even want me that way at all.
I feel that she would prefer me to just go away instead of being around her. I feel that this applies to me only since she has no problems spending time with our friends alone without me.
I love her to death but I am still in a state of shock and awe that this may be how it is for the rest of our lives. We are young and have a long time to go for the both of us. I know that things will never be the same again but will it get better or worse?
(SA) Bo, I am sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. What I want to say is that, nothing is impossible with God. Just trust him with your situation.
(USA) Hello Gentleman, I am Magnolia, the author of the blog that is referenced in this original article. I haven’t read through all of the comments on this topic, but the ones which I did read strike a familiar chord – much like what I hear from men on my blog.
I appreciate that men are seeking to help men with this subject. And contrary to what the article quoted, I *am* a Christian and everything I write is from a Christian point of view. It’s just that I rarely quote the Bible or state that in my blog posts. I think the principle is solid whether Bible verses are quoted or not.
But, here’s where I think so many of you guys go wrong… and I’m certain to stir up a hornet’s nest when I say it, but if you really want to know what to do about menopause, you MUST remove your personal offense from the equation.
Menopause is something that happens to a woman. Yes, you are definitely being affected by it. If you have children, your entire family is being affected by it. But, my experience in pseudo-counseling men regarding menopause issues, is that they tend to put themselves at the center of the problem, and see themselves as being victimized.
In some ways you are. But, I prefer to define more as “collateral damage” rather than a direct assault on you.
I know that is not an easy proposition for men -to get outside of themselves and really empathize with women. But, if you are to survive this with your marriage intact, you really need to try it.
I think someone in this thread somewhere said “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” Well, menopause is one of those times. Besides, I would venture to say that your wife has perhaps carried you emotionally through some pretty tough times in life. Maybe it’s times to return the favor. -Magnolia
Thank you SO MUCH Magnolia — GREAT advice! Men, please go to Magnolia’s web site and look around –reading what you can. I believe you will find some much needed perspective that will go a long way in helping you in your marriage. Magnolia is so wise in encouraging us to view Menopause as doing “collateral damage.” This assault is on both of you — you’re both dealing with what Menopause is bringing into your marriage relationship. Just as my husband’s diabetes affects both of us. He doesn’t want to bring into our marriage all that Diabetes does to him –it happens when you are “one” with your spouse. What affects one, affects the other –what causes damage with one, hurts the other in some way, shape and form. It all goes with the “I do’s.”
(ENGLAND) Hope you are all well, many thanks to Magnolia for the comment on here.
With reference to the hornets nest, we are already in one, and getting stung more than is imaginable. I think that it goes without saying, for all those men on here, they care, they love, they are devoted, through no matter what we are put through, or we wouldn’t be trailing the internet trying to find answers and hopefully the correct advise.
We could have gone off by now and had an affair with anyone who showed any of us the slightest bit of affection, love or attention, cause to be quite honest, yep we just ain’t getting any of it.
What concerns me is where your “so called” friends disappear to, when you need to talk there is no one and that’s why we are on here. I remember leaving a message on here “anyone got any good news any light at the end of the tunnel” and I didn’t get one reply.
I really think that it is “feather in the cap” that we have looked into this, we have not taken this lying down. (I could use a joke there… but in my eyes it is just no longer funny.)
Also when your “so called” friends say that they don’t know anyone else who has gone through it, that’s probably because their friends have split up or had affairs and won’t admit that they weren’t there at the time of crisis.
Personally I am pretty hacked off with it at the moment, but at least I know I am not the only one in this world who has a wife that currently cannot see anything good in me, that’s why we are on here… this is our corner in the local bar or pub …where we come to have a quick chat. Take care all and God Bless… Mark
(USA) Mark, You have no idea how many conversations I’ve had with men in the comment section of my blog, and privately via email who feel exactly the same way you do. I have posed this scenario countless to them and to others who come to my blog… which is:
If your wife were suffering from brain cancer and was lashing out at you… how would you feel about it? Would you feel victimized? Would you feel angry? Would you feel you were suffering far more than she is? Would you feel justified in seeking out an affair?
Some might, I suppose. But, most men (and women, frankly) who had any shred of moral fiber in their character whatsoever, would be able to separate themselves from the attacks and understand that it was the cancer talking and not their wife.
My father died last November from a horrendous battle with end stage lung cancer. As he inched closer and closer to death he became more and more aggressive and vicious toward my mother, who is 80 years old and never once left his side. She cleaned up his feces and urine several times a day. She bathed him. She talked to him when he was staring blankly into space, and she let him unleash all of his wrath, and vicious name calling on her when he was incoherent. Did it hurt her? Indeed.
She called me several times in tears, sobbing. The things he said to her were beyond shocking. She said once that he sounded like he was possessed with devils it was so vicious. But deep in her heart, she knew it wasn’t HER he was lashing out at. It was death. It the powerlessness that he had over what was happening to him.
Menopause is not in the same category as cancer. But, it is physiological. It is biological. It is not a moral failing or the result of our lack of character.
Estrogen and progesterone, in addition to other hormones, cause our bodies to take shape with the curves that you gents are so drawn too. It prepares our bodies to receive life in our womb and give birth to your children. Hormones compel us to bond with our children, to be tender, loving, and nurturing. And when they are out of balance, they cause deep personality changes. Why can’t you gents see that? Why do you not want to step back and realize that this is NOT about YOU?
I have pleaded with men on my blog. Pleaded with them. But, by and large, most of them, like you, do not want to be the hero. They are crying foul and they see themselves as the victim and they bail.
It is wearisome saying the same thing over and over and over again. If you can walk to that mirror and tell the hair on your face to stop growing, you let me know. Because then, you can pass on that wisdom to women and teach them to tell their own hormones to stop how they affect them. Magnolia
(CANADA) I have been following these comments and have been trying to figure out how to respond and I will try. First of all to Mark, my prayers are with you and all the other men on this blog. As for your question of why there were no replies to your request to those who see light at the end of the tunnel, I didn’t reply as there was no light at the end of my tunnel and still isn’t.
But to the essense of Magnolia’s comments I resent the suggestion that I am playing a victim and am just whining and not supporting my wife. The difference between a case where a wife is sick or has cancer is that there is no diagnosis that my wife is going through menopause. She will not admit it or blame it on menopause. All I know is that she is rude, cold, uncommunicative, says she no longer loves me, hasn’t for several years, doesn’t talk to the kids, blames me for her state in life, brings up things I said 5 years ago and is leaving me. But since there is no diagnosis, all I know is that she is now a terrible human being and no longer my friend and confidant. This is a far cry from dealing with a spouse with cancer. As I have said before, if I knew she was sick and I felt she won’t leave me, I could get through this easier.
With regards to Cindy, I took your earlier advice and told my wife I love her and want to stay together. Her response was that she thanked me for that. But she continues to treat me like garbage and while she still hasn’t moved out completely, more of her belongings disappear each day. All I know is that when she leaves me, I will never ever involve myself with another person as long I live. I no longer trust any women.
(USA) Actually, Will, it really isn’t different at all. Menopause is a biological, physiological, hormone imbalance that can be medically documented. It’s not medically classified as a “sickness”, but the fact is, whether you want to believe it or not, your wife is NOT choosing to be affected by the change in her hormones.
Unless of course, you are willing to assume responsibility for actively choosing all of the behaviors and physical responses that your own hormones influence in your body.
Perhaps you would find the book The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine of interest. She is a neurobiologist who has studied endocrinology and the effect that hormones have on the brain development (of both men and women). You might find the section on menopause and marriage of some interest.
I think I’ve contributed enough to this site and will not post anymore comments. I find it unfortunate that no matter how many explanations are offered, there are going to be some men who just will not accept any explanation other than the one they’ve concluded is the truth.
I see this same attitude at my own site as well, and I think it is a big part of why so many marriages do not survive menopause. Magnolia
(ENGLAND) Magnolia …Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have read quite a bit on your sight and found it very helpful. However, I must say the following:
in reply to the comment of “I have pleaded with men on my blog. Pleaded with them. But, by and large, most of them, like you, do not want to be the hero. They are crying foul and they see themselves as the victim and they bail.”
I am a little shocked by this statement as I have stuck by this problem and have dealt with it with rational thinking and understanding. So to say that I, and others, don’t want to be a hero, is completely wrong.
And yes anyone who is being put through this is a victim, a victim of something that has come between two people that have clearly lived their lives in unison and due to these changes, it has been put into turmoil. I have, and others on here also put up with behavior that no husband should ever be a victim to.
So yes… we all have been hero’s, we have been dedicated, maybe IF our loved ones took the time to look up the problems themselves, or were handed a manual at the start of there lives into their physical changes, and how not to ruin a good marriage that has hit a crises due to hormones, and not destroy it would be better for them.
As also stated “if we didn’t care we wouldn’t be on here”, we would be out ready for the first attractive woman that shows any consideration to us. That is dedication in my belief system.
So lastly “to Bail” no way …no way am I walking out my house and leaving my kids behind- I personally never wanted any of this, I cared I loved I provided, I laughed, I cried, to be honest I gave everything… So if that is not good enough In my wifes eyes so be it, But “to Bail” …nope, nope.
Therefore as you know we are possibly not the culprits here, and have been in this for the long term dedication of us to our marriage. I’d Like to stand here and bless all those again for their dedication and love to Their wives, Families and friends. Kind regards and thanks for your input …Mark
(CANADA) Amen Mark. I couldn’t agree with you more. I know that I haven’t been perfect in my marriage. We are all sinners. But we all still love our wives and are doing whatever we can to make the marriages work. What I think most of us on this site are trying to do is seek comfort from others who are dealing with this and trying to learn to cope so we can keep our marriages together despite overwhelming odds. I am not playing the victim card but trying to make my way through this situation in a biblical manner. I continue to love my wife and support her and take the high road. Even if she does not want the support. I’m sure other men on this site feel the same way. As for my situation, it continues to spiral in slow motion downwards to the end.
(USA) Mark, Thank you for your input. You are not the “man” I was speaking to. And really, I wasn’t speaking so much personally to Will either, but more of an “attitude” that I tend to see at my blog, and frankly, have seen here too.
If you have read my blog, then you know that I do not think it is okay for women to use perimenopause as the catch-all excuse for psychotic behavior. I do not think women get to use their hormones as any excuse for anything. However, there is something that most men I personally have dealt with, just do not want to see, and it is as simple as this:
Women do not choose their behavior while under the influence of hormone imbalance. It is not something we can get up one day and say to ourselves in the mirror… “Self, just snap out of it!”
I learned about the power of my hormones the first time I gave birth. The all consuming urge I had to protect my newborn son literally had me having panic attacks if I thought someone was too close to him. I remember snatching him from his father’s hands when there was a group of children (in my mind) too close to my 2-week old infant. My husband thought I was being unreasonable and rude. I was not.
There were chemicals coursing through my body that made me roar like a lion to protect my child. It was not a choice or a bad attitude, a lack of personal decorum or manners. It was hormones.
Unfortunately, you cannot SEE hormones… there is no fever, there is no cough, there is no outward manifestation of some sort of “sickness,” for people (men) to see, and make rational judgments about.
I’ve joked if women could just grow a third eye in the middle of their forehead during menopause, it might be easier. People would see the third eye and say… “oh, it’s menopause, she can’t help it…”
But people (men) just seem to think that if a woman is being a raging b*tch, it HAS to be some moral or spiritual failing on her part. I cannot say it enough. It. Is. Not. She CANNOT help it.
I do applaud you for not bailing. I do not nor have I ever minimized the effect menopause has on families, husbands, marriages. It is a subject that I am so devoted to, that my graduate coursework is designed around the subject. It needs to be addressed.
No, I do not wish to hang it all on some failure of men. My mission is and will continue to be, trying to communicate in such a way (and so far, I’m batting 50/50) so that men can really see and believe that hormones can and do cause the kind of behavior changes that you are witnessing in your spouses.
Part of the problem with perimenopause/menopause is that women a lot of times DON’T see how the hormones are creating a different perception for them. What they think, what they believe, what they feel, seems, and IS real to them. That is not to suggest that they are being irrational.
There is a new reality, a new brain wiring if you will, that occurs during perimenopause/menopause, and it literally changes who women have been. That is not a bad thing. It is part of the life cycle.
The best way I know to say this is, if you knew me 10 years ago when I was in the thick of perimenopause, and witnessed some of my behavior and mood swings, you would NOT believe that was me, if you were around me NOW. I RARELY lose my temper. I am not that woman anymore. I am calm, I am rational, I am reasonable, I am balanced and stable. I was not back then. I was completely and totally out of control. And I was scared. Like every other woman I know who is going through perimenopause.
I don’t know what else to say. I just want to help women know that someone cares (that would be me) and that they are not going crazy.
And I would like very much to help men understand what is happening too. But, like I’ve said many times, so many men just don’t want to believe me. They think I’m making excuses for women and their bad behavior and blaming men in the process. I am not, sir. I sincerely am not. Magnolia
(USA) And can I say one more thing… I really do value these conversations. I learn as much from you men, as I *hope* you are learning from me. I plan to write a book on this subject, and the interaction that I have with men like you surrounding this topic, helps me refine, sharpen, and stretch my thinking on this subject.
I am forced, after all of these conversations, to get outside of myself, and to attempt to put myself in your shoes. So, that can only be a good thing.
I hope I can one day synthesize all of this, and present back to other men, and to women as well, in such a way, that people can be helped.
With the divorce rates just skyrocketing -and especially during menopause -wouldn’t it be grand if these dialogues and conversations could yield some fruit and help couples? That would make me personally very happy. Magnolia
(ENGLAND) Many thanks for your reply Magnolia …I know that you are trying to help us. I have read your last couple of messages over and over again as you have obviously come out the other side of this and realize what was going on (I had realized that in the blog on your site a while ago too).
I must thank you for the detailed reply as I do think that it is very beneficial for us to read this on a woman prospective too. To be honest… you know the woman who we completely love/loved and trusted has gone a bit cuckoo (that’s probably correct in our eyes).
I think we can sum this up (to an extent like this):
(1) The hormones have kicked in and the brain pattern is not what it was.
(2) As we are the person (possibly) closest/supporting we are getting the brunt of this, but it is not meant directly at us.
(3) If we can put up with the irrational thinking and if she doesn’t go to far and walk out on us… things will probably get better.
(4) There are displays of irrational thinking, which include… not being able to communicate properly with us or the children/ strange behaviour/ quietness/ranting/ sadness/ laughing at strange stuff …just not her oldself at all.
(5) She wants very little physical contact with us whilst saying we have never understood her and don’t care.
As I have stated all along… it appears the best way to deal with this is to keep quiet, go out, go to church, go to the bars and pubs (for social reasons only), join groups, get to the gym… when your hacked off go jogging/running …our life is short.
*IMPORTANT * always remember the kids in this and what the see and hear. Hang on to the bars of the roller coaster, don’t beg for her to stay, think and count to 20 before replying to and negative comment.
Women going through this believe they are rational. There is NO POINT in saying to them they are not.
If Magnolia’s life is an example, they will realise in the end and as long as we have been supportive we will always be able to hold our heads high. And as we have all said we love them With all our hearts or we would have chucked them out, went astray ourselves or walked. We haven’t.
Well I’m in on this. WILL has been brilliant listening and being supportive to us and he’s stayed with all this too. There are many others on here who just seem to truly care.
Please stay on here with us Magnolia as we need the Female view. We need you to come to the corner of our bar/pub and have a chat at times.
God Bless you all. Pray for our wifes relationships/friends that a true friend will guide her along too, women love to talk generally. Just not to us at the moment.
(USA) Mark, You are truly amazing! Thank you for your wonderful insights and constant support for all of us that struggle through this… both men and women. I feel very blessed to know you and share this difficult time with you. Again, thank you and you are in my prayers.
Will, I pray for you and your wife everyday. I cannot imagine the heartache you are going through and I am amazed and inspired by the great dignity you carry yourself with. As with Mark, I feel very blessed to know you and share this time with you, too. I hope I don’t sound crazy when I say this to the both of you, but I feel like God sent you both into my life when I needed you most and I would be very honored to call you friends. You are both gifts from God.
Magnolia, You have definitely given all of us quite a bit to think about. As Mark stated, it is really great to have a woman’s point of view to help us along. I do think, however, that most of us on this website love our wives and want to understand what is going on and help any way we can. I have been to other websites/blogs about menopause and some of the comments by men have been very offensive and I can see how some men play the victim card. I was sickened by their thinking and ignorance. When perimenopause started in my marriage, I searched out everything I could so I help both of us through this tough time. I like to think that I am the best informed lay person in my community when it comes to perimenopause.
When my wife started perimenopause and I realized what was happening, I never thought of it as a “moral or spirtual failing” as you stated in one of you posts and I know “she cannot help” the way she is acting but she could get help if she chose to. That has been the most frustrating part! There are so many different treatments to help ease the transition whether through medication, diet, exercise, prayer/meditation or a combination of any or all.
I really hope you can write a book to help all couples through this difficult time. It would be great to hand this out to couples on their wedding day and make it manditory reading to prepare themselves for what will be the most challenging time in their lives.
Thank you again to all who contribute to this blog. I pray for you all almost everyday. Thanks for being my heroes! God Bless and take care. Jay
(USA) Jay, I believe you when you say you love your wife and want to help. There are many men who have come to my blog who have been nothing but humble, willing to listen, and to even change whatever they could to help their wife.
And I do understand why it is frustrating for you that your wife won’t seek help. But, as one who did, I can tell you THAT is enough to drive women crazy too. Most physicians hand you a prescription for birth control pills. HUH???
Or they write a prescription for Prozac and Ambien. Or they give you anti-anxiety medication. I took ALL OF IT. And NONE OF IT WORKED.
I spent $500/month on every bleeping supplement you can name. A couple of things helped – like the soy milk I drank for hot flashes and night sweats – but a lot of it didn’t do diddly squat.
I kept going back to the doctors and coming away with another “here try this and let’s see what happens” prescription. I eventually just stopped going. Do you know what I learned? The medical community doesn’t have the first clue what to do to help women in perimenopause, and THAT is why I am now writing about it.
I have women coming to my blog who have told me their physician literally shrugged their shoulders at her and said….”I guess you’re just one of those women who have a lot of estrogen……” She was livid, and rightly so.
Women feel like a ping pong ball trying to get help for perimenopause symptoms. It’s maddening, I tell you.
I plan to write books on this subject. As I’ve said a couple of times already, my graduate research is focused on perimenopause and menopause, and the effect it has on marriages.
For now, I try to offer a voice that is removed enough from it that I can see a little more clearly. I hope it’s helpful.
Sometimes I feel like I’m spitting in the wind. ~Magnolia
(ENGLAND) My Dear friends, Jay and Will and others, I really wanted to add this to the previous message but ran out of time. One thing that we must all remember is to remain totally calm over this and find your own peace. Nothing you will currently do will sort out this problem as if this is an re-assessment of life/ a hormonal problem It is not easily sorted with adding more stress by this (I have learnt this… at times after the point I have already done it).
These are the Don’ts:
(1) Do not use ultimatums… firstly I guarantee you yourself, will not stick by them i.e (if *your wife* doesn’t buck her ideas up you will throw her out on a such date).
(a) Are you really going to do that, with your own nature as it is?
(b) She cannot think rationally, so she may think you don’t want her. She will probably not want to work harder on the relationship.
(c) She will probably not believe you are the one trying. So this comment has gotten you absolutely no where.
(2) Do not be aggressive back… This is not how you have been over the years (hopefully).
(a) Aggression will build aggression and frustration in both of you.
(b) It will frustrate YOU more than it does her.
(c) Be calm/quiet sit back relax… and if it get’s too much do something. Jogging will take the greatest amount of frustration out/ football/soccer is best
(3) Listen to her and don’t re-act.
(a) Remember that you will probably not get anything right if you reply; you know the situation already…
(b) You know the real you… so anything said incorrectly or against you that is wrong… is wrong and you know that in yourself… so why react?
(4) Laugh… be your own self, especially with the kids.
(a) The kids have ears… they need love; they need stability (I am guilty… way too guilty of not doing this and I am so heartbroken) what you say, what you do needs to reflect… all this is probably partly not your fault… and it certainly ISN’T theirs.
(b) Your wife’s rollercoster ride also has ups… She will remember how you were, your support, your love, your providing, your stability as the head of the family. That’s why she married you, that’s why your marriage lasted this length of time.
(c) Your kids need a father, a father who is the head of the family, the strong one, the one they will turn to in the future. DO NOT talk to them about the situation. If they ask tell them CLEARLY that YOU are working on it and if they have any questions to come to you or talk to their siblings. THIS IS NOT their fault.
(5) Your friends…. talk to your friends… the ones you can confide in.
(a) But VERY IMPORTANTLY do not over burden them… or they will walk away. I have experienced this. My best friend has disappeared.
(b) Talk to older people in a matter of fact way, saying you have a friend who is going through this and did they experience it, what did they do?
ABOVE ALL… laugh… put funny films on… dig out what you both laughed at in the past… sit on separate chairs … but look at her when she laughs… that the real side of that woman you love… dig out your Only Fools and Horses, and your Everyone Loves Raymond…
AND THIS IS HARD PART: Find out the interests that you both share. Remember you have had years where the common interest is the kids… Now you need something else. WATCH the News and ask her opinion on something shown, communication is your common ground. You need to communicate, re-plant the seeds, water them, pull out the weeds, pull off the dead leaves of your hurting self. You need a new plant stick to prop up what you are growing and HUSBANDS, My dear friends that is you… Remember to water everyday… and remember that the water of life is your SAVIOUR.
I pray that I haven’t realized a lot of this myself too late. But I am a willing sacrifice If you can save your marriages at the cost of me not being a good husband and realizing earlier that I need to be supportive then so be it. But Lord knows, and HE definitely does know how hard I have tried.
I have a few standard prayers that you should pray for in your wife and will list them next time as I know I do run on a bit with my messages. Kindest regards and Love through our Saviour to You and your families.