If a person gives place to anger, and goes with it wherever it takes them, and if they say and do whatever feels good at the moment as they release that anger toward their spouse, it is abuse. There is a difference between simply getting angry about something, and letting anger become a weapon that crushes a person’s heart. This abuse beats down their spirit, or hurts their physical body.
Someone who will allow their anger to go that far has a mental and emotional disorder and needs professional help. In order to be free of that kind of anger disorder and the abuse that comes as a result of it, they need the power of the Holy Spirit to cleanse their heart and deliver them from this selfish work of the flesh.
Abusive people love their anger to the point of actually looking for ways to be angry. Anger empowers them and fuels the fire they love to fan into flame. It also gives them what they perceive as control. But actually, anger illustrates their utter lack of control. Lashing out and yelling at someone God has given you to love is sin. Abuse is sin.
Explosive Anger
First of all, any words that are spoken in explosive anger can be abusive. A loudly raised voice and poor choice of words can cut like a knife into a person’s soul. Angry outbursts are loveless and full of the desire to hurt. The verbal abuser doesn’t try to see it from the perspective of the person they are abusing. They don’t care to know how badly their anger makes the recipient of their anger feel. This is because all they care about is how they feel themselves. If there have been times when your spouse’s angry outbursts have killed something in you, that’s abuse. Or if there are times when your own angry words have destroyed something in your spouse or your children, that is abuse. Abuse destroys lives.
You are in a battle for your marriage, but the battle is not with your spouse. If he [she] is the one firing the shots at you and you are being forced to defend or protect yourself, give the situation your best shot in prayer. Ask God to deliver your husband [wife] from the evil spirit troubling him [or her] (1 Samuel 16:14-23). Ask God to give you the ability to stay calm in the midst of the battle. Ask Him to help you to resist striking back.
Protect Yourself
All that being said, I am definitely not saying to stop defending or protecting yourself if you are in harm’s way. I’m not telling any spouse to stay in her [or his] marriage if mental or physical health is in danger. This is especially true if her [or his] life is being threatened in any way whatsoever. Abuse of any kind goes against all that God is and all that He has for you. No one is required to take it. If you are afraid of what your spouse might do to harm you or your children, make plans to get free. Find a place to go and people to help you move out. I have known of too many people who waited too long and suffered devastating consequences. Don’t be one of those statistics.
If your spouse is physically abusing you, call a domestic violence hotline. You will usually find it listed under “Community Services” or “Emergency Services” at the beginning of your phone book. They understand the situation and can help you make the right decisions as to what to do about it. If you need to leave home for your own safety or the safety of your children, they will help you do that. Even if you don’t end up leaving, it is good to have a plan. You need a safe place to go, a way to get there, and someone to help. You also need money you can have access to, and the legal papers and possessions you need to take with you.
Physical Abuse Ramps Up
Physical abuse doesn’t go away on its own. It only gets worse. If you don’t want to help yourself, then think about helping your spouse by leaving and not returning until he [or she] gets help and is cured. Being destroyed by someone who has an emotional disorder such as uncontrolled anger is not the kind of self-sacrifice or martyrdom God is looking for. Don’t enable your spouse to suffer the consequences of his [or her] own sin of abuse. Help him [or her] get the healing needed to become a whole person.
There is no excuse for abuse. It is never justified. A spouse who physically or emotionally abuses his [or her] marital partner is emotionally sick and has a serious problem. Of all emotional disorders, anger can be by far the most destructive. It is more destructive than depression, anxiety, or fear because it is usually directed at the spouse in some abusive and destructive way. Don’t fool around with this; it’s too dangerous. He [she] needs professional help and fast.
A man who beats his wife and children in any way should be removed from them completely [the same goes for a wife who beats on her husband and children]. Even if the abuse is only verbal, none-the-less, it is still extremely damaging. Scars happen internally as well as externally. Anger and abuse is the problem of the person who has it and not the fault of the one abused. No possible action or words of yours deserve violent, angry outbursts. Do not blame yourself.
Most of all, pray. Pray
…Prayer for Breakthrough in My Husband [Wife]
LORD, I DON’T WANT TO ever feel that “my soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace” (Psalm 120:6). Deliver me from anger in my husband [wife]. Your Word says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). Where I have ever felt that an angry spirit in my husband [wife] has hurt me or broken my spirit, I pray You would heal those wounds and take away any unforgiveness I have because of it.
I pray You would set my husband [wife] free from anger. Help him [or her] to recognize a spirit of anger rising up in him [her] and reject it completely. Strengthen him [her] to be able to control his [or her] mind and emotions. Also, help him [her] to remember that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,” and the rulers of darkness and wickedness (Ephesians 6:12).
Teach him [or her] to be slow to anger the way You are (James 1:1). Help him (her) to understand that anger never produces spiritual fruit (James 1:20). I pray that all anger in my husband [wife] will be evaporated by the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray that he [or she] will have a strong desire to reject his [her] carnal side and become spiritually minded. Let there be no reason to fear his [or her] anger and what my spouse might do. Help me trust that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).
Also:
I pray now that You, the God of all hope, will fill my spouse with faith and hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him [or her] and give him [or her] Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him (her) and give him (her) Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would direct his [her] heart “into the love of God and into the patience of Christ” (2 Thessalonians 3:5). Help him [or her] to flee anger and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love patience, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11). In Jesus’ name I pray.
This article comes from the excellent book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage: Protecting Your Relationship So It Will Last a Lifetime
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
I am having a hard time praying for this deliverance. I am wondering if God wants me to stay in such a marriage where my husband alternates between angry words and then apologies. My adult son who is now 30 has learned the same and also treats me disrespectfully with many anger issues of his own. I have been afraid to leave but am wondering if or how God will help me to find the best answer.
1 Corinthians 1:27 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God had chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;
Addressing the anger in another involves addressing the hurt inside ones self. I have concluded that unexplainable anger is spiritual. It’s an attack from Satan on the mind. Pray to yourself SILENTLY: In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, Satan be gone. Your influence of anger is not welcome here.
SILENTLY praying is the key. Provoking in the name of the Lord is wrong and sinful.
Rage, wrath, fear tactics… All of it is from Satan.
Another verse that should be memorized and said to ones self is:
Ephesians 6:12-13 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual host of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you maybe able to with stand in the evil day and having done all to stand.
My husband has ADHD, and has had anger problems since we started a relationship. He is not on medication. He can blow up at little things. It is a challenge to live with. At the beginning of our relationship I went through having a lot of verbal abuse at me, banging things, threats; I was scared. I stuck it out because I could see its roots (his Father was an abusive alcoholic) and also I did not have the confidence to leave (my parents had recently separated after it came out my Dad had an affair for 16 years).
I’ve stuck at the relationship for over 5 years; we have a 4 year old son. I have no close friends, my Mum lives abroad and the rest of my family aren’t close. I am on my own most days looking after our son. I feel isolated, under pressure, and always uncertain of whether my husband will be in an okay mood or not when he gets home. I’ve gone through my worst year, where I became angry all the time, feeling abandoned by people. That has passed, but I felt guilty for scars left, especially on our son.
We became Christians and we’re baptised last year; this has helped a lot, although a battle leading up to it. I feel stronger, but there is a wedge between me and my husband still. I’ve asked if he would consider starting Adhd medication to see if it would help, but he seems to be putting it off. I keep faith and hope, but most days I just feel tired. I miss my Mum who he had a falling out with. He seems to fall out with people easily. He doesn’t work but still goes out all day and I get left to look after our son every day, please pray something changes. I just need to feel some close human support and not alone everyday.
My Fiancé constantly says horrible things to me when he is angry, things that other ears must not listen to. I have consistently bore this with love. Well, I may have reacted sometimes but in the end we apologise to each other and just move on.
But this is becoming the order of the day. In the bid to communicate effectively, be open to one another without fear or shame, I shared some things with him. Unfortunately, those are the things he uses now as weapon of warfare when he is angry with me. I am not perfect, I have no guarantee of not upsetting him once in a while.
We are due to get married in few months. But, I am so scared. He has apologized again, and members of extended families have tried to placate me on this matter. Is this enough reason to break the relationship? I need help, please.
Oh yes, Precious, this is more than enough to break the relationship. If you are scared at this point, when you are both on your best behavior, just wait until the newness of the relationship wears off, which it will. DON’T marry until you both are able to resolve conflicts in mature, giving ways. Of course, you are not perfect, and of course, you will upset him sometimes. That is normal. What isn’t normal is for him to act out his anger at you to such a degree that you are scared of him. Truly, you haven’t seen anything yet.
At the very least, delay the wedding. There is no shame in delaying saying, we still have some things to work out now before moving on to marrying. You need to see that he is going to act like a marriage partner to you –giving and taking… not just taking when he is angry. We have a lot of articles posted on this web site, which can teach you both how to resolve conflict in healthy ways. I know this is not something that many men in your culture do, but truly, if he would not do this much, what will he do to work with you to bridge your differences rather than lash out? And please don’t let extended family try to convince you otherwise. They are not marrying this man. They will not have to take the abusive anger that he will lash out at you.
Be strong enough to take a stand here, or I’m afraid you will be very, very sorry otherwise, We get emails all the time and comments posted on this web site that they wish they would have listened to their doubts and waited (eventually not getting married after seeing more of what they are now experiencing) because if they would have, they would not be in the horrible situation they are in. Please listen to the inner instincts that God is giving you and the Holy Spirit is using to warn you. I hope you will pray and listen to God on this –not other people.
Marriage will only make it worse, take it from one who knows
Thankyou for this, I am scared at home right at this moment and it really is comforting to read this. Thankyou, so, so much.
I’m a pastor’s wife and don’t feel safe in my own home. I no longer care for my marriage and neither does he. I’m tired of the threats and just want to get it over with; if I’m beaten I will rise again. I can’t plan an exit since I live in my parents home. I’m afraid he will ruin their home. Just prayers are needed.
Elena, God keeps putting you on my heart to pray for you and also to respond to your plea. Please know that He sees your tears and is touched. You are very loved, even though you have not sensed that for a long time. I’m so sorry that your husband doesn’t realize the blessings he has in his marriage to you –that you could be such a great partner if he will only accept and embrace you. May his eyes be opened, even though he is resistant.
Honestly, even though it is my heart to help you, there isn’t too much more I can do, other than pray for you (which truly IS a big thing), but also to encourage you to read through the things the Lord shows you, that are posted on our web site –to glean and use what you can. Also, because you are a pastor’s wife, there is an extra dose of help available to you. Please go to the following topic we make available on this web site: https://marriagemissions.com/category/pastors-and-spouses/. Read what God shows you to read, praying that He will speak hope and show you what you need to do this day and one step at a time, as you read. Especially go into the Links part of that topic. There are many ministries that are available that can give you good counsel. Remember that the Bible tells us that “in the abundance of counsel, there is victory.” Avail yourself of what you can. I’m especially thinking of the ministry of The Thriving Pastor. Don’t let the name throw you off. They have a great outreach to Pastor’s wives, such as yourself.
I pray a blessing upon you… “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 15:13) “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.” (Colossians 1:11) I stand with you believing that God will help you and your son in the ways you most need them. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
Thank you for this amazing article on anger and emotional abuse. I am now in the process of strategically planning to leave my husband of 12.5 years because of the verbal and emotional abuse. In the beginning of our marriage yes there were signs, but because of my tough skin I never associated it with abuse. Every disagreement he express anger and verbal abuse follows. We never resolved any issues; I’ve been to so many counseling sessions, at my church and was told that he must make an effort as well in order for the marriage to work. I beat myself up trying to find a solution to strengthen our marriage.
After crying out to The Lord asking for revelation. Like they say be ready when pray. I found prescriptions for anxiety and serious depression in his file folder. Then I found medical forms about leave of absence from insurance company and doctors who diagnosed him with severe depression, flat affect. My husband is unemployed now for over one year, he is degreed and quit his last job he prayed for because he said they were going to fire him. When he gets angry he holds grudges. 2-3 weeks can go by and then he will seek revenge. While you’re totally oblivious he will get you. He has cut his wedding ring in half and left on the bed for me to see. Threw away a lot of my stuff, I’m so confused even when I can’t find something I think he threw it away, even if he didn’t.
We are so blessed financially; bills are being paid on time. We both have excellent credit, legitimate debt. So his last anger outburst he put our home in the market for sale. Yes, I agreed walking in total faith that if God opens a pathway for me to walk through I have on my running gear. I’m totally prepared to leave, and have no plans on divorcing my husband but I must work on my wounded spirit trusting The Lord to heal the both of us. Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Amen
I’m not a quitter but have endured 33 years of lies, betrayal and dishonor; blaming me for his sins. He cheated and drinks heavily. Please pray for our marriage; we have 3 months left before divorce. We are both getting near retirement and please take my worries and please pray we return to a healthy living marriage.
39 years with my husband and he never recognizes our anniversary, a birthday, Christmas, and says I’m not his mother on Mother’s Day, Even though I’ve borne him 2 sons. When he explodes on me he blames me for his actions saying I do the same to him. Not true. He’s raised his fist to me several times, but hasn’t hit me yet. He has never apologized for anything in 39 years. Later, he acts like it never happened. I want to leave because I don’t see it getting any better. I don’t have an income because I had to quit my job to raise my infant, autistic grandson. Our grandson. I don’t know what to do. I used to believe love conquers all, but not anymore. Love isn’t enough anymore.
My Name is Christiaan Leonard and I need prayer for my marriage. Let her come home. Blessings in the Name of Jesus.
Please can someone just intercede for me and my wife? We do have a good relationship. She does not really serve God the way it should be, and my biggest desire is that God will become the foundation in our marriage. I start praying for her and for myself, and suddenly the bomb explodes. She has moods suddenly, she gets angry for the little things, she has so much pride that every time I must apologize just to have peace, then she has this controlling spirit that was not there. Please pray with me that God will touch her and that she will accept Him as her personal saviour. I am going through a very hard time. I even think to leave her, but I cannot throw the towel in now. Thank you for listen to my Request. Shalom in Christ.
I am in a very difficult situation. My husband has always for 19 years cussed and screamed at me, but things are becoming worse. He blames all on me although I have many times found porn in his car, drugs, and he tells me almost daily he hates me. He says he will leave me and our 3 children with nothing. I am a full time mom with lots of health issues and unable to work. He leaves us very often mostly over the weekends and then on Sunday wants to come back, which I continue to allow. I’m scared, lost and confused.
I am always here to support him, love and care for him but he has severe anger problems. This has destroyed our family and he does not want to spend any time with us, not that he really ever has. It all just seems to be my fault for asking where he has been, what’s going on and so on; normal everyday questions. But anything and everything will set him off. He will pack up and tell the kids he is leaving and then comes back. This has gotten to be a terrible place for them to deal with as well as our two oldest don’t care anymore and will have little to do with him.
What could be the cause of all his hate and anger that he would rather lose his family over it, but loves his job – no problem there; its like it has him brainwashed a hold on him. His boss is demanding on him and pushes him to the end, but its all he’s ever been able to keep. I don’t know where to start or end; when he sees nothing wrong and blames me for everything in the world. I have been faithful, honest, supportive and always here for him even when I should not have been.
Is there hope or after so long and only getting worse is it just time to move on? I see no light anymore and he will not seek help because it’s everyone else, never him. He claims he buys magazines (porn) for me to find so I will be punished and I deserve to be hurt like that. If anyone can tell me anything I’m here, desperate for help and lost.
My husband is a Christian that studies the Bible but really doesn’t care about the scriptures pertaining to the protection and loving me. He will have blow ups if the wrong word is said. He cannot stick to the issue but goes on to the personal attacks. Everything I say is wrong and he explains to others what I really am saying.
My dog tore his ccl; he is in pain per 3 vets and my husband says they are all wrong. He will talk about the end times before our relationship. I went to counseling with a PHD and I feel he gave me the tools to handle things. I have a fear of God which it appears he doesn’t. We had a serious outburst tonight, I cried and he went to his computer like nothing happened??
My abusive husband died without being sorry for all the abuse, verbal and physical. I can’t handle my grief and anger. What to do.
Oh Clarinda, How my heart goes out to you. You are dealing with grief on so many levels. How I wish I could sit with you and hug you and let you cry and talk through this with someone who cares. And I do. It’s difficult enough to go through abuse at the hands of someone who vowed to always love and show you love! But then to be at the place where you know you can never work it through with them personally in this lifetime — that is truly grievous! I’m so sad for you. I hope you have supportive people around you.
But please know that others have walked this horrible walk too, and they have survived and some have eventually gotten to the place where they have thrived. I’ve known of them, but I am not personally in touch with any of them any longer, or I would find a way to connect you. However, I do know a few things that you can do that will get you on a healing path. First, please look for a grief recovery and bereavement counselor, or a grief recovery group. You have several layers of grief that you really need to work through and I’m not thinking you can do this on your own. It would indeed be rare because of the abuse you have suffered, as well as the death of your abusive husband. You need some specialized support and help to process all of this. Many churches have grief recovery groups, and they can at least start you on the right path if you can’t find the right counselor right away.
You can do an Internet search for your city on grief counselors, and such. However, I would recommend that you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff and one of them can possibly give you a recommendation as to who to go to that could best meet your needs. Go to their web site at https://www.focusonthefamily.com and scroll down to “Popular Websites” and under that click into “Find a Counselor.” They have a great group of counselors on staff and one of them can start you on a sound road to working through this horrible grief that is encompassing you because of all you have gone through and are going through right now.
They also have a great list of counselors and other resources they can recommend to you. They have gone through the hard work of screening them. We’ve recommended them to others and have heard some great things about their recommendations. If you can work with someone that knows abuse issues, as well as grief–that would be most helpful. But just let them know what you are dealing with and they would be able to point you in the right direction.
I do know that many have had to work through trying to get to the other side of having been abused in the past after the abuser has died. I am one of them, although my abuser was not my husband. I do realize that can be even more difficult. The grief was so deep (not the same as yours, but still very deep). I finally put a chair in front of me in the quietness of my bedroom and just poured out my heart, as I envisioned that person sitting in that chair. I’ve heard that some people put their abuser’s picture on that chair, and they have found that to be helpful. It took more than one time of doing this for me to empty it all out. I cried, railed, yelled, prayed to God to help me get it all out, and worked through so many emotions. It was a several week process, with several short pauses in between. Yours may take a shorter time or longer… I don’t know. But I do know it did help me a lot. And I’ve heard the same is true with others.
We can’t always have resolution with the other person present. It’s unfair, but it is what it is. And perhaps if your husband was alive, he would never have given you the reaction you would have needed. I don’t know. But that is not an option you have available, so you need to work all of this through with the way it is… not in the way you wish it would have been. But perhaps, just perhaps… this might be the more peaceable way for you to get to a healthier place… I’m not sure. But this is the way it needs to be.
Whatever you do, please don’t sweep this under the rug. That will only bury it deeper. And it will surface again (you can count on it) in all kinds of ugly, unhealthy ways. It will continue to victimize you and others. And that is not good for you or others. Please do what you can to lean into creating a better future. You can’t change what happened in the past. But you can get yourself to a place where it no longer hurts you in the future. Your future CAN be bright and healthy with laughter ahead of you. Lean into the Lord… lean into getting to a better place emotionally, as well as physically. You don’t ever have to live like that any longer. And you CAN get to the place where all of that past abuse will no longer sabotage your future peace and happiness.
I hope this for you, Clarinda. I pray extra strength for you as you reach out for the help you need. You don’t deserve this type of grief and anger and other negative emotions to hang over you. You CAN have a brighter future. But you need to work on this right now to get to that place. I pray and hope that for you. Meanwhile… I hold you up in prayer, and care.
Hi my name is John. I have been married to my wife for 25 years and my wife is a career woman who likes the power, lime light, being the centre of attention. I am 6 ft strongly built reasonably fit well educated and confident with a mighty sense of humour. I like women and they seem to like me but I have not played around on my wife. I have been an adventurer all my life but also brought up our daughter from about 3-13 years old, as my wife was always at work mostly very late home arriving after 11.00 pm at night, sometimes working till 5.00 am in the morning! I had no choice as she did not want to be a mother.
9 months ago my father died and he was an excellent well respected wise father and also took the role of my mother (who I did not seem to know) and who did not seem to like me, so I avoided her and my father was my go to person through my life.
I (and my 2 brothers) looked after my father for about 18 months before he died aged 94 last Sept 2nd as he became more frail, senile and in need of full time care. We did a great job with him and his funeral was fantastic well attended as he was a WW2 veteran.
The same day my father was buried my wife noticed her 78 year old father at the funeral appeared to have had a mild stroke. There was immediate intense emotion from my wife, arguments, and crying with my daughter in our shared vehicle, so much so I had to go to my father`s funeral wake on my own.
What followed was a descent into a 9 month emotional nightmare that has resulted in our marriage breaking up. My wife left home to go to her father and mother`s property about 2-21/2 hours away by heavy traffic and did not return home until after he died in mid April. He had a class 4 fast moving brain tumour.
My wife`s parents are comfortable financially. My wife changed with the grief and what I felt was an excessive obsession with her father whereby she sat by his chair all day and sometimes by his bed at night holding his hand, not sleeping, fussing over him and assisting her mother with him as he deteriorated.
My wife started abusing me verbally within the first week when she returned home to get some clothes, screaming abuse at me (finger marks on the fridge would set her off) chasing me to my shed 50m from our house (I was attempting to walk away), kicking the door down in my shed and punching me in the face. I was not hurt physically by her violence but hurt emotionally!
I ran to my car but she threw herself through the vehicle window trying to grab the keys. I have never touched my wife physically, and have always protected her and loved her. I am normally a good natured friendly confident person and have a large number of mostly male friends all successful some married some not. I am active, run a kitchen business, enjoy a good party and love a beer.
I am like most people good with some faults; compassionate, generous and enjoy helping others. I am not arrogant, nor can and would be overbearing. I try to live to the 10 commandments and was brought up a Christian, I do not bear grudges and forgive easily; the forgetting is harder to do, but I have and make it a rule not to ever bring things I have forgiven up again..
My wife started spending my inheritance I shared with her (NZ law gives you the option) and was so demanding wanting money, giving me her parents bills to pay, paying out and lying about it to me, the $30,000 chemotherapy drugs, all the hospital bills running up her 3 credit cards I had just cleared in September and in less than 6 moths spent over $60,000 on them and we fell in a financial hole and are now suffering hardship.
Of course it is my fault and my proposal for her parents to sell some assets or her extended family assist us financially was met with more abuse and screaming I don`t care, work harder, I`m useless, a bum (never been on any form of welfare), an alcoholic (I am not), a drug addict, (NO where did that come from), a cheat and a lier, I do not care for her etc etc.
My wife speaks to her brother the same and I watched them abuse each other and never once talked about the problem that caused the argument.
My sister`s 40 year old son who was an ICU physician died suddenly at his hospital adding to the tough times. On boxing day I was abused by my wife`s brother and had to leave the property with my daughter and her boyfriend. In March my passion, my 32 ft launch burnt and sank and I swam for my life loosing all my personal possessions, after a small explosion, (it could have been so much worse) my wife was angry with me, there was no love or compassion or caring just aggressive criticism.
Her father died others at the funeral noticed my absence in the family photo, my father in law was my friend, and that I was made to sit away from the family.
All I did was work down on the property in my visits, pay the family`s bills, and never asked for anything in return. I feel used, abused, emotionally drained, it has affected my ability to work (coming right now and earning again after walking out) but under financial stress.
Final thing I have noticed is my wife has started making up stories about me and saying things that are blatantly false, plus making extremely bad decisions affecting her mother. Her financial statements are totally untrue, and not based on financial returns, bank statements or any facts at all.
She has never been like this before; we were a team. I am ok staying with my brother and have alot of supportive friends, but the speed, emotion suddenly thrust on us has destroyed our marriage totally. She is incapable of forgiveness.
I am reading this in 2020; awesome article’s words finally solidifying in my mind..thank you! Until several years ago I was confused about my husband’s explosive and vicious temper, not evident before marriage but surfacing just 4 days after living as man and wife —- on our honeymoon, on a beautiful tropical island– then every few days thereafter. As a young newlywed wife having just turned 20 years old, I strove earnestly to appease his outbursts, lost so much sleep, constantly felt anxious, living in fear and having a crushing feeling on my heart and soul knowing another episode wasn’t far away.
He blamed me for his anger, blamed me for provoking him, blamed me for things going wrong, took no responsibility for his outbursts and never ever apologised for his behaviour or for frightening and hurting me. Punching holes in walls and doors, throwing things around, driving dangerously with myself and our children in the car, stomping down streets in anger making a spectacle of himself and us all became my normal frequent life.
I had no one to tell because firstly I was always blamed, not believed and was ridiculed by my parents as a child- they ruled us children and told us how to “be”; and secondly as a young Christian I was told only to go to “Christian” counsellors who advised me to be nicer, cook lovely meals, make our home peaceful.
Back then, 40 years ago, my gut told me something was way off and it wasn’t all my fault, but being raised as I was, having reached adulthood I had no idea of even WHO I was and that I was an actual person (I know to some people that will sound weird). But without the framework or foundation that loving parents are meant to nurture and guide in their growing children I was stunted and so just I muddled my way along bending myself inside and out, being kind and loving to him, hiding his behaviours and my anguish. I prayed a lot, read my Bible and many self help books.
Divorce was not a consideration for many years for me as the Christian view seemed to allow it only in the presence of adultery and at that time I was unaware I was being abused. Also I was afraid of my husband’s anger if I did try to divorce him. Years later our firstborn was found to have Asperger’s Syndrome, and just a few years ago I realised my husband also has it and his family appears to have wanted a caretaker for him–that would be me. My son is now a loving gentle 35 year old young man, my husband is unchanged.
Now in 2020, after 42 years married there is no hope for a loving, reciprocal, nurturing relationship. We live in the same house, separate rooms, he needs no company or conversation, just someone to be his executive secretary as many people with autism do, and someone to complain to. Our son also lives here and requires some support. I have a different view of my husband’s vicious anger and no longer tolerate it; I weep in sorrow from time to time. Thanks for reading,
My husband is a recovering drug addict. Ever since he stopped drugs he has become mentally and emotionally unstable. He is showing signs of paranoid personality disorder and always accuses me of cheating and questions ever single thing that I do. He blows up when I tell him I’m tired of defending myself and pleading a case that doesn’t exist every single day.
He is extremely verbally abusive when he’s mad. The fights have become physical, and is getting worse. He is setting up an appointment to see a psychiatrist but I am not sure if this is worth the fight anymore as he has no regard for my safety when he is upset. When he is happy, he is amazing. But I’m starting to think the angry him is the real him. I need help.
His going to a psychiatrist is definitely worth it. You can’t let things go on like it is. He definitely needs help, and you need for him to get help for his sake and for your own safety and peace of mind. Encourage him to go, and pray for him and both of you as he does. Be supportive of him trying to find help.
Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity. That is not the direction you want to keep going on in your marriage relationship. He has an addictive personality and he needs help to be able to find healthy ways to satisfy these tendencies to do what he should not do. I pray this helps both of you in good ways.