Over the past few years I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband’s secret sexual lives. This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout. It’s like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out. The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form. Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up. Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by. Up is down and down is up when sexual addiction invades your marriage.
Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”
Firsthand Experience with Sexual Addiction
I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others. Only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.
Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.
Disclosure Results
The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.
…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.
Confession and Questioning Sexual Addiction
When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.
You may cringe at this next statement. If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few. My husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective. It was also the real beginning of healing.
Pain from the Disclosure
Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.
My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.
Healing Can Start
I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal. But I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start. This is true for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.
Discovery is the First Step to Freedom
His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help—if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.
This article comes from the book, Hope After Betrayal: Hope After Betrayal: When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage written by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women. She also tells of the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations.
— ALSO —
Another article you might find helpful is written by Vicki Tiede, and is posted on the Family Life Today web site. Because Vicki had first-hand experience in dealing with the grief and subsequent choices she had to make because of her husband’s sexual addiction, you may find it helpful, because of your situation, to read:
• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE BREAKS YOUR HEART
Additionally, we recommend you read:
• WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S PORN ADDICTION?
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) As I read all these posts, my heart is breaking for each of you. I myself found out a year ago that my husband was addicted to online dating sites. We had been married for about a year, and were about to have a huge reception party (we had semi-eloped and were throwing a celebration for our large family) when his sister called me. She had let him use her computer when he was over for a visit. He forgot to close down his email. She went to close it but saw a suspect email open. She sent it to me. It had all manner of disgusting things he was saying to some woman he had met on a dating site. He was telling her he was lonely and wanted out of his marriage.
I dug a little deeper online and discovered he was on several dating sites, each with a different story. In one he was not married, in another he was newly divorced. The sexually explicit things he said to these women were things that humiliated me. Some of the things he said I had heard him say to me in the past. He told other women they were beautiful. It made me sick. When I confronted him about it, he denied it for two weeks until I actually printed out proof and he couldn’t deny it any more. We ended up separating and we cancelled our party one week before it was supposed to happen. His whole family found out about the issue. It was the worst time of my entire life.
Through God’s grace, we were able to get to a counselor and save our marriage. It was so hard! I had to face my family and friends. Many of them lost respect for me because I was trying to work out my relationship. I still don’t get invited to many get togethers and some of my family won’t speak to me. Sexual addictions are so hard for people to understand. They think you are weak or have low self esteem if you stay with your husband. In reality it takes a very strong person to stick it out and support a spouse with this issue.
We had a little girl five months ago, and everything seems to be going fine. Then I get this feeling that I need to go online and check again, and for sure he is on a motorcycle dating site. He isn’t as explicit on this one, but to me it is still the same old stuff coming up again! He doesn’t know I have found this yet. He doesn’t do this stuff at home, he does it from work on his laptop. It is so frustrating. He is deployed right now so everything has to be on hold. I don’t want to bring this up while he is far away and going through the stress of a deployment. I am trying not to cry. I have to be strong for my baby girl. I pray each of you has peace and healing comes swiftly. God Bless.
(USA) Now, our hearts go out to you and please know that you’re in our prayers. Maybe our story and testimony will offer you and others some encouragement. Ours has been a journey that has taken us over a year to come to realize the true love and commitment we have for one another after many a prayer having been said by us both. James has battled a sex addiction for many years, even before I came into his life – and as such he partook in anything that would apply to that online, be it a number of dating sites, pornography, all the chat networks, email, text messaging and even having “friends” call him on the phone -which continued even after we got married.
For some, as was the case with James, it can start out as a low level sexual stimulant, as simple as say looking at an catalog, seeing it in a movie or even a provocative commercial on the TV. For in truth, you can see it at your local news stand and at eye level of children! It can be a person they call a “friend” and a lot of times it’s not something their partner lacks but what they feel they lack in themselves or on their own. For in truth, there can be a number of underlying factors that can trigger this kind of addiction. For James it was a result of many years of childhood abuse. He literally thought no one could or would ever truly love him. He was afraid of love, resented love and as such disconnected himself or disassociated himself from the situation entirely on a personal level to any degree as that applies to a truly monogamous commitment, as God intended.
This is not to say he didn’t have needs, because everyone does. He just sought to fulfill his needs in what he considered to be the safest way he could, that being on the internet. So, what started as a safe and intriguing curiosity or interest for him steadily turned into a deep-seated and volatile addiction. Like any addiction it got worse over time, requiring more and more stimulus to satisfy an ever growing need for more and more stimulation. It’s like a drug in that regard and if left unchecked it can lead to all kinds of problems that are hurtful to all parties involved. Sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction, in our opinion, in that there are no support groups readily available in most communities to handle this growing problem. There’s no progressive program to deal with it, diagnose it or help someone recover from it. It’s ready available on the internet, in movies or on the TV; even in commercials. “Sex sells,” they say – and the devil is everywhere. That’s the truth of the matter.
Thus, we’re sorry to say, if your partner wants to partake in it, they will always find a way to do just that. It’s only by way of love and a sincere love for the Lord that you are able to conquer a problem such as this, because believe me we never could have done it on our own. I prayed many, many times, daily that James eyes would be open, by the Lord. I cried many a tear for the pain, sense of loss and betrayal I felt. I had no idea what was going on and I felt totally rejected and abandoned in the process. I could not understand why he could not love me as much as I obviously loved him. He said it, so why couldn’t his actions parallel that? That was the question that ate at me. That and “WHY?” I blamed myself and I started to really get a low self-esteem and personality complex about it.
James got a job in Hong Kong, a high level, executive position and we were off to a new country, where I thought we could start a new and fresh life free of any interference or distractions; especially from his friends, for James had stopped partaking in most of his online activities by then; even though, I naively didn’t know about what was taking place by then either. I just had a gnawing feeling and many suspicions.
Call it woman’s intuition, but, the truth always comes out in the end – just as it did in our situation. After all, it wasn’t as much a secret for James, as I thought. Truth is, he’d left it on the computer for me to find. kind of like a test you might say. Although I’d been abused and much worse than him, he tested me and our relationship to see if I truly loved him enough to stay and maybe even, quite possibly accept it. Not that that makes it right, but my love for him was unwavering.
I found the pornographic videos he’d downloaded from the Internet, when he went over to Hong Kong alone to interview for the position at his new job and I was devastated- and clearly did not accept it. But it didn’t stop there as one thing lead to another revelation I wasn’t prepared for, such as: the numerous dating sites he’d joined or the alternate email account he had. The lies he’d told since the beginning of our relationship were so many, he couldn’t begin to explain it all away. One lie virtually leading into the next,…”virtually,” – sorry, but no pun intended.
But, ALL OF THIS came at a price. James got very sick, being guilt ridden and overstressed at work as he work many hours and into the early mornings trying to build a new department. Without any apparent explanation his internal organs began to swell and he was hospitalized for 10 days in a foreign country – to our surprise, with no insurance as promised by his company that could be utilized there. I stayed by his side; even though my pride at times told me to leave.
The lies didn’t stop there. We returned home to the US for medical treatment on a medical leave of absence from his new job, just 5 months after our departure – and the lies continued. As he began to speak of the omissions he’d purposefully left out, I interpreted everything he had to say as lies too. Worse yet, his addiction had lead to an encounter with a married couple, before we met and we had to deal with the very real possibility that he might have fathered a child with the other woman. But thankfully that was not the case; although we both very much wanted to do the right thing, if that had turned out to be true. Thus, that being said, I was the next one to get seriously ill, after that.
James lost his job abroad and we were very much under spiritual attack and the situation got a whole lot worse, before it was ever got better. I almost left James on a few occasions as I interpreted everything he said to be an excuse. But the Lord obviously had a lot of work to do within me too to get me to listen and stop taking offense to everything that was being said. So, James’ prayers were obviously answered too. For if we could all truly strive to have a heart like His, wouldn’t the world be a better place? That’s not to say that forgiveness is a viable option for everyone and I’m sure God understands that too with him being the loving and compassionate Savior that He is.
True enough, James did hurt me and I had every right to be mad, hurt and feel violated: mind, body and soul, because I felt like I’d lost the soul mate that God had intended for me all along and a lot of time. I truly felt dead inside and void of all emotion as we both began to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But at least according to God’s love for us, James also had the right to fully understand his misdeeds and try to explain them to me; even after I’d discovered all the lies he initially told and the lies since.
So the long and short of it is there can’t be true recovery and a rebuilding process without accountability, responsibility and true remorse. One can not partake in sins of the past, bring it into their future if they want true happiness and a truly fulfilling relationship. What may seem to be an innocent, harmless or acceptable activity online can easily and quite quickly turn into a compulsion and addiction that can adversely affect every aspect of one’s life. After all, the internet is the devil’s playground, as he is always ready to try to come into our lives by any means necessary.
It’s like we were under attack, even after the biggest and most damaging revelations had been discovered, and probably at our most vulnerable point. The devil will not always use the most obvious things to enter into or manipulate our lives. But, he will attack us at our most vulnerable point – that much you can be sure of, and he will use any and everything he has to work with at his disposal.
James’ vulnerabilities, making him an easy target for attack: With James it was his fear of being unworthy of love and his fear of being hurt – so much so, that he couldn’t commit to anyone, let alone his own desire to have a meaningful relationship with another human being, after being so hurt by his abuser. For he had appointed himself protector over both himself and his mother and felt powerless to change anything given the situation of his father’s worsening mental illness and battle with Schizophrenia – and that’s a lot for any kid to take in. There was quite a bit of guilt associated with that and his obvious limitations, due to his young age and stature. Besides, it’s customary within any family unit that the father is to be the protector.
James always wanted to be a man of God. He always wanted to be a man of integrity. At one time he wanted to be a preacher and he wrote beautiful sermons, standing in for his pastor. (I know because I read them!) But later in life he suffered rejection at the hands of…for lack of a better word, “a former fiance” and an abuser who cheated on him and that made him feel very unsure of himself, making him question whether love is even a valid concept.
Tori’s vulnerabilities, making her an easy target: Whereas, with me it was my fear of being betrayed, unlovable (not good enough), or even unworthy of love, for I’d endured many years of abuse at the hands of almost everyone I knew. I’d endured abuse as a child and as an adult and in several different dynamics. I was abandoned and abused by my biological family with 5 sexual predators living in the same household as me. I went to foster care and was made a ward of the state, where I was violated yet again; then, only to be abused the third and ultimate time as child, by my adoptive family. I lost my children to an abuser and my life had been riddled with subsequent abusers ever since.
I felt like there was no end to it; even though, I remained faithful to God, was an acolyte in my church and taught Sunday school for preschool aged children. At one time, I even wanted to be a nun, thinking no one could ever love me like Him. Then, when God brought James into my life, I rejoiced at the opportunity and the wonderful gift He’d given me. I never for one second doubted James’ love for me, until that fateful day and after that doubted everything and questioned everything, up and until God helped me to see past my pain and into His promise for me.
Moral of the story being: Life is never easy and it’s not without it’s lessons and the devil always knows what he has to work with even if we don’t, even if we’re in denial or not prepared to see the portals that have been created for him to enter into our lives. But he also knows he is weak in the eyes of God and that makes him work even that much harder when people turn away from sin. So, don’t think you are free of his grips when you begin the recovery process. Work more diligently than ever and stay the course, relying on God to help see you through. Stay in the Word!
James is in counseling now and I am committed to standing by him in his efforts to overcome his sexual addiction and his tendency towards compulsive lying, which is a whole issue unto itself, as the compulsion to lie requires both compassion and understanding too. For it is not by way of condemnation that one is going to overcome it and there is a fine line between enabling a person and offering support. But much like repenting one’s sins, the compulsion to lie requires one to admit to it; thereto, striving to do it no more, much like repenting one’s sins to the Lord and you have to stand on a good foundation and stay in the Word of God to achieve this, remembering the scriptures like Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” which applies to us both or anyone dealing with an issue such as this. For it is not by way of our own strength (or pride) that recovery is possible but only by way of God.
With God’s help, James has opened up to me a great deal and even a little more with each passing day. I’ve learned to listen with discernment, not being judgmental, but realizing we’ve got a long way to go to work through this process, as thereto God has been and will always be with me and us in this situation. For He is our only source of light through the darkness and whereas worldly counselors might fail, He will not. So, just like us, always turn to him and stay in the Word of God, living accord to the Word of God everyday. That’s why we would say, when facing a problem such as this, it’s not enough to go to church every time the doors are open. You like us, might consider making Bible study a part of your everyday life, because there is strength in the Word and it helps reinforce us, in knowing that every day is a battle (it’s spiritual warfare) and we need God to overcome this and all things.
It’s so important for anyone that is battling any kind of addiction that stresses their marriage, relationship, livelihood or otherwise to seek out the proper counseling or resources that it’s going to take to overcome this condition. We’ve all been given free will and it’s our responsibility to make choices that are beneficial to not only ourselves but our loved ones or those we take into our midst. Whereas, the devil’s only objective is to kill, steal and destroy. So, with God’s help this too we shall overcome and please know we’re praying for you all too, because quite honestly a lot of your stories brought us to tears and a lot of them offered us encouragement too. Where ever this journey takes you, we pray you arrive safe in the assurance of God’s love for you and we wish you peace, love and joy. Thanks for listening and God bless you! :D :D ~ Tori & James
(U) I am not a wronged wife but the wrongee. I have had a five-year affair with a married man who is, I believe, sexually addicted. Although I possibly could be sexually addicted and meet some of the criterion, I think I just love sex and my husband of 40 years died over five years ago.
I have had sex with only this one man, aside from my husband. I love him and would probably marry him if he were free. He says he loves me and we get together every time we can. We have a secret life together. Here is the worst part. His wife and I are best friends. I love her. We all go on vacations and trips together and I stay lots at their house. She is a wonderful Christian woman and adores her husband, a former clergyman. He is very handsome, smart, and charming.
I am caught in a bind between them. Our lives are so intermeshed. She has shared with me that he has had affairs in the past and she fears he is having one now and suspects him at specific times, times when I am not with him.
What I fear is that he is having affairs with lots of women and I am only one, nothing special to him, although he assures me I am. He indicates that if we outlive his wife, we will be married. I am not sure I want to marry him, although we have so much in common and I feel like a second wife already. I know he would not be a faithful husband, so I would be stupid to do it.
Sex with him is phenominal and he is very handsome and a wonderful lover. He has taught me lots I didn’t know, but some of it is different from anything I’d ever considered doing. He wants me to watch an adult movie with him, but I never have and won’t now. After we have sex, he wants to get away from me. Also he is hard to get along with, very edgy and often angry. His wife tells me about their relationship and it is strained to say the least.
He accuses me of using him, but he may just be using me. He tells me he is devoted to his wife. He loves sex in a situation of danger of being caught but at the same time is very careful. She suspected us a few months ago when we slipped up a little. But with time, he and I allayed her fears.
I feel like the worse person in the world, but I have no intention of giving him up, even though I am a Christian and know I am sinning and hurting someone I love. If he weren’t with me, it would be someone else, and at least I’m safe physically for him. And I do love him. He is a professional in a very worthwhile organization and has a good name in his community and is a good man beyond this sexual aberration.
When my conscience gets to me and I threaten to break off with him, he gets very angry. If we break up and have nothing to do with each other, his wife will figure out what happened and I’ll lose her. If I stay away, she will be hurt as we are close. I don’t want to lose either of them, as I love them both. We have so much in common and so much fun together. He is so good to me, helping and caring for me. I never knew that life could be so complicated.
I’m afraid neither his wife nor I really know him, and I am unable to even imagine the twists and turns in his brain as he tries to juggle the various ways he satisfies his needs. He truly seems to be miserable most of the time, can’t relax, works all the time, has temper fits, and seems to dread going to church.
My husband and I were both virgins when we married and faithful to each other. I never dreamed I’d be doing this. I was so in need of sex and he was so seductive, it just happened. Can anyone tell me what to do?
(USA) Amelia: You have got to be kidding. You read all these posts from wives whose husbands are sex addicts and you “love them both”. If you truly “love them both” get away and stay away. He will go find someone else but at least you will have been true to yourself and perhaps some day his wife will forgive you. The other women cannot image the depths of despair we wives face. We are not only violated by our husbands but also our “friends”.
(CANADA) GET AWAY FROM THEM!!! I wish I could say more but have to follow the guidelines here! Can I scream NOW or LATER?!!!!!!!
(USA) All sin is a result of open doors in our lives that the enemy (satan) enters through. Usually you’ll find a pattern in the sexually addicted person’s family or a total lack of mothering/fathering. This is not to be used or seen as an excuse but to see that a pattern develops in ones life that has to be broken. Breaking the hold that satan has – he wants to destroy marriages because they are God’s design – on us and our marriage is the beginning of restoring the relationship.
There is a wonderful ministry, Restoring The Foundations (rtfi.org), that has minsters trained in using Biblical principles to help people break these devastating cycles and it gives them tools to continue the process in healing. There is one other thought too. As we live according to God’s plan for our lives, it is apparent that we must set boundaries. Many times we are hurt because we have allowed others to cross God given boundaries and manipulate or abuse us. Healthy boundaries are essential even in the best of marriages… my husband and I have them and it enables us to honor one another and be closer than ever before. We are walking out our healing and 32 years of marriage is just getting better – but it has taken commitment and submitting to God and to one another. We have weathered the worst of the storms in our marriage and can now be there to help others. God bless you.
(UK) Dear dear, I thought I was the only one whose husband had perverted sexual preferences. I really feel for you all out there and it’s like a bit of all your stories are part of mine. It’s so sad. I feel terribly grieved right now as I read all the stories and think about my own.
I don’t particularly want to write the sexual details of my story as it’s quite sick. However, my husband became a Christian just over a year ago and I thought everything would now be ok, (how naive of us to think this way). He seemed to be delivered from the demonic influence of the sick sexual nature but then when he went away after getting saved (he works overseas) he very quickly started to go down-hill in all sorts of areas of life.
He has been constantly calling me a liar for almost a year now but he won’t tell me what I’m supposed to have lied about. He is back on the porn (that is only a small part of the perversion) and recently wanted something else ‘new’ in our sex life during a recent trip home. I just can’t take any more of the sexual perversion and I want no more part of it.
I have tried to encourage him to talk about Christ and to pray with me etc but he just argues and shouts so I can’t even discuss or mention Godly things now. I have text and emailed him scripture and the like but he basically ignores it like he has never received it. I’ve prayed and even fasted and prayed.
But his last visit home and the ‘new’ weird sex stuff is just too much for me. I find it disgusting and a turn off! I’m no prude but goodness only knows how these perverted things turn men on???? It’s all so sad. Why can’t these men see that they are being used as puppets by the enemy?
My husband has been asking for a divorce for most of this year (2010) and I have fought it and prayed against it. I have prayed for him and us but I feel I’m fighting a losing battle. I can take no more of the accusations when its actually he who is the liar. It’s cracking me up.
The one saving grace for me is that he isn’t here very often… that does not stop the bombardment of nasty texts and vile emails however… way too numerous to count (100’s). He is constantly accusing me of seeing someone, although he never gives a name or anything. All I do is go to work, come home, go to the shop and go to church. Oh, and I go see my daughter and parents. I get on line each evening when I get home from work to answer his emails so I have no idea when I am supposed to be having an affair!?!?!
He accuses me of other things also… all of which are lies. I’m no spring chicken and I’m nearly a grandmother and a long time Christian. Why the heck does he think I would be doing all the things he accuses me of??? And all that on top of the sexual perversion :-(
I actually think it’s because he wants to control and manipulate me again. But I won’t have it. And because I wont have any of it, he is trying to control me and play mind games and confuse me. He is trying to get me to do what he wants yet again, but I won’t and he does not like it. Hence, he is constantly lying about me. Well, that’s my theory… and no one has yet come up with a better one.
Today he has basically said, that the sight of me, speaking to me, emails from me or any contact with me at all, makes him ill… he can’t stand me and will not be home for his birthday, never will he go on holiday with me again and if he can find somewhere else to go for Christmas, he will. It may be a sad thing to say but I feel relieved. It’s like hell in earth when it all kicks off :-(
There have been times when it was all too much and I nearly lost it. I even started drinking, and I don’t drink! My mind was so confused and mashed up at one point that I wanted out of it all… for good… and mean I didn’t want to live. He really was verbally bashing me up that bad!
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even drive properly. I nearly had an accident in my car … I simply couldnt do anything. I was just about existing but that was all.
It came to a head when I actually injured myself when I was in a state of utter and total confusion caused by his countless venomous, ridiculous, contradictory texts. I suddenly realised what was happening. The devil was trying to destroy me! The devil comes but to kill, steal and destroy. Sadly, he is doing a good job of destroying marriages.
Now the devil is trying to destroy my marriage… and he is using my husband as a glove puppet to do so and not only that but he is taking my husband down a rocky road to destruction. You only have to listen to him talk to know he is totally deceived. He is constantly contradicting himself and tells me one lie and someone else another. But he just won’t have it. He still says it’s me that is influenced by the devil and he is just fine and hears from God all the time.
I really dont think i can remain in this situation much longer… I prefer that my husband just come back to Christ and got himself cleaned up but since I can’t even talk to him about Christian things, I can’t see that happening in a hurry. He doesn’t even want to go to church really anymore.
Oh well, we can’t make a person do something they don’t want to. And we can’t make them see the truth. We can’t open their eyes for them, and we can’t make them listen to the Word of God. We can’t make them understand, and we can’t give them the knowledge we have. We can’t make them read the Bible and we can’t make them go to church. We can’t make them listen to reason, and we cant make them stop telling lies. We can’t make them receive prayers prayed for them and we can’t make them see they are being deceived by the devil.
My prayer is that all these men, these husband or ex-husbands, have a Damascus Road experience and have the eyes of their spirit man opened… repent, turn back to God and ask for forgiveness both to God and to their wives and families, then become GREAT men of God and take the world by force for Christ! storm the realm of the devil and kick his butt!
I pray that all the wives who have been so sorely hurt and scarred by their husbands are healed in every area of their lives, and are a GREAT glorious testimony for Christ, and all have their marriages restored not just to their past best but over and above anything that we can ever imagine!!! Praise God o/x x
(AUSTRALIA) I am a shell of a human being at the moment. My husband had an affair with a ‘woman’ he met at a brothel. After finding out about the affair I uncovered evidence of him contacting brothels on his mobile phone. This behaviour has gone on for years and years as far as I know. He has admitted to visiting brothels a few times though searching through his phone records over the last 5 year (as far as I can go back) there is evidence of regular contact with brothels.
I come from a very conservative home and my father adored my mother and would never hurt her like my husband has done. My husband comes from a different background. His parents fought (verbally and physically) and his father had at least one affair. Three of his four brothers have also cheated on their wives.
I feel so shattered by the deceit and wonder if there is any hope that my husband will truly recover. He is very sorry for all that he has done and cannot believe that he actually participated in these activities but I wonder if he will ever be ‘cured’.
I feel so sad that there are so many women suffering in the same way. I don’t find it encouraging, rather I feel that sexual addiction is so strong an addiction that it is almost impossible to recover. So many of you had made progress (or thought you had) only to be subject to lies and deceit again.
I truly feel our life together was a charade. There is no foundation to our marriage. I have little hope for the future and I’m tired of pretending that all is OK. Our children have no idea what has happened and I don’t want them to know as I feel although they are grown up that it will be very damaging.
I have distanced myself from friends because the effort to pretend everything in my life is OK is just too hard.
I don’t know why God id doing this to me. I am a good person. I am angry with him.
(USA) Kate, God is not doing this to you. Your husband made the choice. God gives us free will. Satan may tempt us but, God gives us a way out. Like you, I am married to a man I do not know. He is a wolf in sheeps clothing. However, he could and can still be healed if he truly repented and admitted all of his sin. That being said, I have had to file for divorce. My husband not only was looking online at the “dating sites” and porn, he was also sexualizing my teenage and 24 year old daughters.
How did I find this out? I asked God to make the truth abundantly clear to me regarding my marriage. Be careful when you ask this of God, he will show you. It turns out that my husband (this is not my first marraige) has been making inappropriate sexual comments to my girls since the oldest was 16. When confronted he said he was kidding. Then came the websites, and the girl at his office (she’s 21 he’s 39). Intervention, marital counseling, individual counseling, accountability group, restoration weekend, Every Mans Battle we did all of these.
Come to find out he was still doing some form of sex addiction the entire time he was in all of these recovery programs! It’s ok to be angry, even at God. He can handle it. Your husband has betrayed you on the deepest level as has mine. Mathew 18:15-17, read it, do it. I did it, now I have filed for divorce and sole custody of our 4 year old.
The custody issue came because he was on the computer where he lives, since we separated, with her awake in the same room. Ladies, protect your children. The ememy comes to them when they are young with sexual perversion. It will destroy their lives. Forgive your husbands for your own sake. Jesus never said to tolerate and allow evil to continue (and stay married to it).
(USA) Kate, I am not sure where you are in life now, but your story stuck out to me more so because you said, “I don’t know why God is doing this to me. I am a good person. I am angry with him.” First, I would like to say that it is ok to be brutally honest with God and your feelings, God can take it. Read the Psalms as David cries out to God and is brutally honest with him, God listens. God created you and he knows how you are feeling and it is ok to break down and allow him to embrace you in your weakness.
However, you cannot hold on to the bitterness and resentment; this will only harm you not the person doing this to you or God. It will only break you down emotionally and physically and shut you out from the world and God. God works all things for the good and I know right now it may not seem that way, but only God knows whats around the bend for us and our relationships and our marriages. He is there for you through your brokeness and he wants you to cling to him instead of turn away. It is only by faith and trust in him that he can shine through you and reveal to you the final piece of the puzzle, but if you shut him out and harden your heart he will let you have it your way, but just know ultimately he is still in control.
Second, we live in a broken world and that is why this has happened to you not because God did this to you but because God has allowed Satan the freedom to knock on our doors. Adam and Eve decided to disregard so we must now live in an empty and hurtful world. But by the grace of God who loves you so much we were saved and are promised a perfect world where you will no longer hurt or fear. But while we are here I believe he wants to use us and he may use your story as a testimony to someone that will someday cross your path that is going throug what you are. No person is “good” we are full of sin and none of measure up, but again because of Christ dying on the cross for you and I we were saved. Dont think you are too good for bad things to happen because God let us know we would have troubles but he says do not fear for he has overcome the world.
Third, you cannot change your husband. You cannot change the past and you certainly do not know the future. Satan is to blame for the bad not God. Satan has a foothold on not only your husband, but you too now. He has you blaming God and has you full of doubt and insecurity. He has surely won the battle unless you decide to hold onto to God’s truth and know His Word and put on the armor of God.
Finally, I cant imagine the pain this has caused you. I have been hurt by only small lies that my husband has told me which places that small seed of doubt. And even then my world turns upside down. Trust is such a huge thing in marriage and by one small slip up that all can be changed. I have been married only one year now, but in that one year I have learned so much. I pray that you have allowed Christ to heal your heart and that you are no longer angry with him, your husband or yourself. I would love to hear what has happened in your life since your post. God Bless You, Kate! Megan
(UNITED STATES) To any brother or sister in Christ, My name is Jerome, a born again Christian that needs prayer for addiction of watching porn on the internet every day & masturbation as well. I’d need GOD to heal me completely of this insane behavior. It is costing me my marriage to my wife right now. Thanks for praying for me. Brother Jerome
(USA) I had not heard of sexual addiction until I became the victim of it. We have been married almost nine years. We began dating when I was 16 and he was a 30 year old married man. I was from a broken home and obviously lacked self esteem and self worth. My age is no excuse for getting involved with a married man, but looking back I feel like I was preyed upon. While we were dating, he was controlling but also very kind and treated me better than I had ever experienced. After I moved to another state to be with him, he became much more controlling, verbally abusive, manipulative and it became clear he is a compulsive liar. I went ahead and married him, honoring my commitment though I felt it was a mistake.
Two years after we married, we moved back to his home state close to his family. My husband works for his father. His father is also very controlling and seeks nothing other than power and money. My husband is not from a Christian family. As my relationship with Christ strengthened and I became more active in church, I endured much criticism and persecution from my husband and to an extent his family members. Our sex life was not normal. I would have to ask and then beg for sex. I felt once a month was very infrequent for a couple with no children. Keep in mind, I was in my early 20’s. He required me to first bathe and insisted I either drink or watch pornography to “be more fun” before we would have sex. He would only grant my request for sex after I begged for about one week, he penciled me in to his calendar and I met all of his requirements.
Once I began standing up for my beliefs and refused to watch porn, he completely lost interest in having any sexual encounters with me. We struggled to conceive for thirteen months. This was a very trying time but we now have a three year old son. My husband was not active in his life at all. He travelled frequently for work and thus all responsibility for the home and our child fell to me.
Just over one year, on suspicion, I started digging in to some credit card statements. I found he was a subscriber to Adult friendfinder and was spending about $90 monthly on fees. Over the course of two months, I investigated further and even hired a P.I. I found he solicited casual sex with females, males and couples on various sites including Craigslist. He was frequenting a particular city for business travel and so the PI followed him and witnessed him with a couple. He has yet to confess to everything, though 11 months have passed since I moved out and filed for divorce. He has admitted that he has had casual sex with more people than he can recall and does not even know their names. All of this confession only came after my attorney showed pictures to his attorney we found on his laptop. The pictures were of he and a man performing oral sex on each other at a group orgy. He has solicited prostitutes, strangers, frequented dirty massage parlors that provide other services, frequented xxx stores and masturbated heavily all during our marriage.
Two days after I left him, at my urging, he visited a pastor at my church and accepted Christ. He has been participating in Celebrate Recovery, completed the Twelve step program and for a time went to individual therpay and couple’s therapy. I fell out of love with him years ago due to the way he treated me. I wonder if I should try to repair the marriage.
I am not without blame since separation. A high school friend and I got back in touch and have been seeing each other. We are very much in love but I can’t help but wonder if I am again being fooled by myself. I am so hurt, I cannot even begin to describe it. My husband has robbed me off so much. How can I possibly trust him after all of this? Can love be rekindled? He has shown improvement, but also has continued to manipulate me and everyone close to me to try to sway me to return to the marriage. I don’t know if it is God urging me to try again or just the fear and doubt that comes from myself and the pressure from my husband and our families to try to repair the marriage.
(UNITED STATES) I would like to address each message posted here, but I think by sending just this one will hit upon each situation. I am a Christian Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am also a victim of a husband who claims to be a Christian, yet covers up his abusive and narcissistic behaviors.
We do not live together. That stopped in 2005 after he decided to continue to act out directly or indirectly with yet, another woman. He left our home promising he would get treatment for what is called, Sexual Addiction (there’s 6 different types, including sexual anorexia) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. God calls it sin and treachery, however.
I would like each of you to know, this is not about you, but about your husbands unresolved issues and his rebellious disobedience to the Lord. He sees each of you as an object to accommodate his need for power and control primarily because he is in denial and does not want to come to term with himself. In order to do this, he can be very charming and friendly towards others, but with you – well, you’re a target for him to project the parts of himself he does not like about himself.
Does he know what he is doing? Yes he does, he just doesn’t care. Your reactions is what he feeds off of and he is unable to grasp the hurt and harm he is doing to you. All he know is the pleasure he gets from getting you to react. In many ways, since he doesn’t want to bear the pain of his own demons, he sets you up to watch you bear them for him, while playing house or having fun lusting and carousing and sleeping with other females whom he sees himself as either rescueing or being a Don Juan, if you will.
To help yourself, go to U-Tube Doug Weiss and watch the clips that are available. Also, see Sandra Brown, Pathological Relationships. Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord. Just remember, it is not about you and you are not responsible for his ungodly and unholy choices. Nothing that you did or did not do cause him to be this way. But what he chooses to do can ruin your life if you don’t know what you’re dealing with and continue to get sucked into this type of treacherous behavior.
God bless each one of you. Linda
(AUSTRALIA) Hmmm… maybe all men like sex.
(USA) I can say that because of my sexual addiction, my wife, even before I was married, felt the sting of it all. I had hurt her a few times with relapses before I saw the devastation I was causing her. Now that we are married, I have hurt her a couple of occasions, but nothing like I did just a day ago.
I told her a while ago that something she doesn’t want me involved with was over and I wouldn’t go back to over a year ago, resurfaced not to many weeks ago and I kept something from her. It is very hard to look at her today knowing she is grossly wounded. I am sorry and know that it will take a while to heal from in our marriage.
(USA) I met my husband in Sept. We got engaged 4-11, married 6-11. My husband seemed more interested in bragging about himself, how good looking, smart, great at his job he was, how well traveled, than me. He would never let me see his phone, emails, never kept me abreast of his $. He went to South America, told the entire world he was taking me, promised it for a year. I went to Europe w/family, he arranged his trip a day after I returned, knowing I couldn’t get off work to go.
He told everyone we were getting married for months, never asked. He gave me a ring that was 12 yrs old. He claims he bought in case he ever got married! He finally gave it to me, asked me to marry him, while I am sobbing that it’s over and he looked as if he were going to have a nervous breakdown. TERRIBLE proposal!
I open his phone when he was showering one day after he returned w/gifts for all. I find emails from a gal talking about how much he enjoys touching and kissing her. I almost fainted. My newlywed husband of 3 months! His response was, I knew her before I met you. Then it changed to I went out w/her once, only kissed, right when we met. A day later, I find numerous emails, 2 dating sites, lots of women’s photos, chat groups w/naked women. He was asking 5 women (including me) to meet him back in Arg when he returns in Feb. He was writing 3 women discussing sexual activities w/them. He had been having affairs w/them since we met!
One night, 3 weeks after we married, he texts me, says phone battery was dying, don’t call, going to dinner w/client. When I question him, he writes, “OMG can’t believe this, you want me to quit my job?” He got home 12:30 a.m. He told me so many lies. I find out this is a woman he started dating 3 weeks after we got married! Not when we first met.
Anyway, he doesn’t respond w/much emotion. He gets defensive, yells, and curses at me. Even when caught w/evidence. I was single 11 yrs, after being in a horribly abusive marriage. Then I met him and thought God answered my prayers. Horribly good looking, smart, charming. Bragger yes, big ego, but thought he truly loved me. How can someone love you and deceive, lie, cheat like this? The whole marriage, he has done this. Great newlywed couple…
We are in counseling, my entire family cant stand the man. He is sick. It is my 4th marriage. I always seem to meet abusive men. Never met a serial cheater/narcissistic personality disorder like this. Why should I stay? I love him, but it happened less than week ago and I am raw, ready to have a nervous breakdown. I keep in prayer constantly on making right decisions. We aren’t living together now, I am at my daughter’s home down the street; he is in MY home. Strange…
(USA) My husband too has been addicted to porn most of his life and after promising never to do it again, he has. After 18 years together, I am ready to end it. I am a Christian, and I do forgive him, and understand that his horrible upbringing contributed to this problem, but it doesn’t mean I have to continue to be his victim and feel like dirt.
The Bible says looking at a woman with lust is the same as adultery and those are my grounds. I have to believe there is a man out there who would find me good enough and not need to look elsewhere. If not, I would rather be alone.
The pain I feel comes from what this will do to my children. But I walk around so depressed and in pain, and I cannot believe that is the best thing for my children. I think they deserve a mother who is free from this crushing weight.
Trust you gut, ladies. Men are mostly liars, seeking only their own pleasure. Hold out for a man who sees the beauty in his wife and needs not look elsewhere.
(USA) Women, if there are some things that come out in perversions… is not sex the body and also the heart, spirit and soul? What is the best sex that God can give or the best relationship? Sex is a word that is not of God. If you translate the word in ancient times, it is the word. Adam came to KNOW Eve… had RELATIONS.
Intimacy, things in our souls… things that went wrong… things that cannot be filled because of damage and rejections, feelings too embarrassing to talk about… though can only express sexually… try to express them. Whatever is in the bed is not judged. If we do not like what we see in our hearts or are afraid to open up, to talk, or to understand… we need to think. Otherwise, yes, it comes out in a perversion. Then that is brought into the relationship. Sexual fantasy can be done in the bed within a marriage… the bed is not judged. It is between the man, the woman, and God. For the Image of God is man and woman. God created man… male and female he created them, in his Image.
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
(USA) I never deprived my husband of sex. In fact, I thought that we had great sex and thought our marriage was great! We had been married 16 yrs and still had such passion and I thought, respect. I was shocked to find out he was addicted to sex lines, dirty talk, and craved to receive as many picture text from these girls as he could. Can’t believe this is my life and that is my husband. I had no clue whatsoever!
(USA) Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
God created man and woman and gave them a sex drive. Marriage is a safeguard against sexual immorality. If a man wants his wife for making love, or wants to do something or try something… fantasy, or whatever… it is his drive. There is pain in us… passion, all kinds of things. Many things come out sexually. Look at the porn industry. For the woman that has sex with anyone… men are all the same… all searching for sexual things. Yet they’re always trying to get intimacy to hide the pain… jump in bed… like the hardened hearts of the poor prostitutes that they judge and say are evil… or porn stars that are evil.
Men give money to woman to do porn, though these woman get attention, and it comes out in perversion… I am sure they will figure it out. For God will come to everyone… in the soul. Now you, who are married, it is not perfection… till what is perfect comes. I am not saying to be a porn star for your husbands. I am saying if you both open up and have fantasy, make plans to do these things… that you may find a different side of each other. All those horrible fantasies that your husbands committed could of been avoided, yes?
There are also women that are afraid to have sexual fantasy of their husbands. It feels like lust. How can you lust for a wife… or a wife lust for a husband? Lust is what is outside the marriage bed, as porn, that hurts you both. The woman is the mother of all living. She is the most beautiful creature created by God. She is part of the other half of this Image. Would this not be a powerful attraction, wife? Men want to make the wife feel them also… so many things. Feelings are so difficult to express. When you first made love to each other it was great and fantastic. And you even had babies… does it end? Everything is in balance. Marriage is an institution also. A man shall go then to his wife. Some women think accuse them of being clingy? Men and society have to be strong, deal with the evils of the world, same as women… though he needs to express himself to his wife.
If you want to be women of God… it is good, though you married. You are not nuns. Your husband is a man that lusts for you. Woman, submit to your man. The husband should give his life for his family and wife as Christ gave his for the church. Does he do his job? Does he work as hard as he can? Is he caring for the children… sharing responsibilities? Does he defend his family when trouble comes? Would he not… if attacked by people, do all he could to defend his wife? How do you know the things in a man? If you do not KNOW him… there is not blame when you are one. You are one.