Over the past few years I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband’s secret sexual lives. This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout. It’s like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out. The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form. Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up. Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by. Up is down and down is up when sexual addiction invades your marriage.
Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”
Firsthand Experience with Sexual Addiction
I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others. Only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.
Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.
Disclosure Results
The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.
…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.
Confession and Questioning Sexual Addiction
When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.
You may cringe at this next statement. If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few. My husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective. It was also the real beginning of healing.
Pain from the Disclosure
Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.
My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.
Healing Can Start
I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal. But I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start. This is true for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.
Discovery is the First Step to Freedom
His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help—if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.
This article comes from the book, Hope After Betrayal: Hope After Betrayal: When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage written by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women. She also tells of the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations.
— ALSO —
Another article you might find helpful is written by Vicki Tiede, and is posted on the Family Life Today web site. Because Vicki had first-hand experience in dealing with the grief and subsequent choices she had to make because of her husband’s sexual addiction, you may find it helpful, because of your situation, to read:
• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE BREAKS YOUR HEART
Additionally, we recommend you read:
• WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY HUSBAND’S PORN ADDICTION?
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) Hey everyone. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been in a marriage with my sex-addict husband for three years now and he works incredibly hard on recovery. He is very committed to our marriage and in all other ways a very good husband. I have been in therapy, worked a lot on my co-dependence that has allowed be to get into this situation in the first place.
I am now facing a question that I need input on. In my own work, I have come to terms with how very important sex is to me. For a long time, in my co-dependence, I pushed my own sexuality aside and focused on what my husband was able to share with me that felt healthy. I am now realizing that I am just not satisfied sexually. I want passion, I want to feel alive sexually, I want to be able to really let go. The problem is that when we start to get really passionate, he goes to another part of his brain and checks out. He flips into addict brain, and objectifies me and I wind up stopping sex or feeling gross afterwards. If I pause in the middle and catch it, we can work through to a good experience. We can have satisfying sex, good enough sex, but not that really amazing experience that I crave.
Can anyone else relate to what I am talking about? Have any women out there gone through this stage in repair of their relationship and come to a point where they really feel met sexually and are getting THEIR needs met fully? So often as women we can put our real needs aside for others, and I am starting to realize that this is what I have been doing for years. I’m really struggling with the vows I made to my husband and the vows I have for myself. Please, any constructive feedback is greatly appreciated.
(NZ) Yes Bitsy, can you believe for the first almost 4 yrs I never truly experienced an orgasm with my husband? He is addicted to porn and other disgusting sexual sites and never knew I was faking orgasms. He was my first lover (and still is the only one) but until I pointed it out he never had a clue. And now 17 yrs later he seems to struggle sometimes, and I think for him it’s a physical act.
I think as women, because we tie our emotions into the sexual part of our marriage, we still feel tuned into our emotions and all the thoughts that sometimes run through our minds can prevent a good and satisfying sexual experience. We have to work very hard together and some times are more rewarding than others. If you are both working together pray before you get intimate, as God has already blessed the intimacy of love making.
(USA) Can anyone share their impact letter to a sex addict husband?
(USA) I’ve been feeling so alone lately until I read all these stories and what everyone has gone through. They are all so similar to mine. I feel like my family are getting so sick of my stories and my anger since it’s been years (over 10 years) that my husband has been an addict. To them it’s just something small and minor, that all men do it. But I know the difference. I don’t know where to begin to even trust him again. I don’t know if our relationship will work anymore, but we have two young kids, a 2 and an 8 year old.
I totally feel the “blackout”. It’s as if someone turned the lights off and I’m struggling to find anything familar. No one seems to understand it. But it is true, this is probably why I have remain so close to God. I’ve gone to church my entire life but never really learned to love God until I discovered my husbands addiction. It was then that I realized that people can really lie and pretend.
(U.S.) These stories actually are helping me. I am a born again christian. My husband and I were missionaries for a long time, and this is when his lying and cheating happened. He confessed of sleeping with prostitutes in the country we were missionaries. We have been back in the US for a year now trying to repair our marriage and family. My kids know nothing of what’s happening…they just think it’s time to move on. He has said he is sorry and trying to do right. But just two weeks ago found he withdrew $100 and calling a “massage parlour”. I’m trying to forgive, but just don’t want to be stupid and think life can get better from here. Any thoughts??
(USA) Of course whoever was cheated on has a right to be upset and angry. The offender should feel ashamed and embarrassed. Past that the rest of the jargon as in “my husband must endure my pain as I endured his addiction” or “now I just wonder what he is doing and get angry about petty things” Perhaps, although tragic, sex addiction exposes the selfish nature in both spouses. In many ways, if you felt you had a perfect marriage and that your husband was flawless, in essence you fooled yourself into believing you were entitled to a flawless husband or a perfect marriage right out of the box. My point is marriage is hard, and unfaithfullness may not be something it was meant to endure. If staying in the marriage is just a chance for you to be cruel or take revenge your not getting closer to God or doing your sick spouse any favors. Leave your spouse, let him or her get some help so they may move on and you move on as well. In the future remember no man or woman is perfect. You must seek out your partners needs, not ignore warning signs and address issues before they become to much to bear.
Anyone who tries to survive a marriage invaded by sexual addiction, good luck and you will need a miracle. Anyone who leaves it remember it was not your fault, but also its not about you all the time and that this marriage is something you can put down and even learn from.
Good luck
First of all, let me say how very sorry I am that this has happened to you. Men do not realize in a woman’s mind it’s as if they have had affairs with hundreds of women. I have been married 44 years, and from day one knew something was not right in our marriage. Last year I found out by accident that my husband had tried to rape a family member, also my very own sister! Then there’s sex texting that I found on his phone. Now he has confirmed that he has had a very bad addiction to hard core porn and masturbation since the day we were married.
I’ve been having to forgive him more times than I care to admit. I feel sooooooo dumb and stupid. Oh yeah, there were other things going on too. Now at the age of 61, here I am. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for next week and yes, I will be filing for divorce. At my age I just want to live the rest of my live in peace and joy. God has been so very close to me during this process. May God show you the right path.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Please pray with me and for me because it is getting worse that now I’m leaving my home and now going outside. I do not want my home to be broken by this. My relationship with the Lord is affected. I am dying on my own.
We’re praying Samuel that God will reveal Truth to your wife and will bring you both closer to Him and to each other than you ever have been before. May God give you wisdom in dealing with this hideous issue in your marriage. Truly, everyone becomes a victim, until this matter is dealt with properly. May it be so. Help them, Lord Jesus!
(USA) I was just reading Caroline’s initial comment to this article, though it seems it was written on December 3, 2008. It is now the end of April 2012. I haven’t read all the other 80 replies & comments, but that initial comment reflects the emotions I’m going through.
On January 2nd, my husband revealed to me several things about a double life that he’s been living for the past the majority of our 8-year relationship (almost 4 of which we have been married). This means he’s been hiding things from me for nearly the entire relationship. He has been viewing pornography both online and through magazines, and going to live peep shows for 4 years, paying women to strip and do other things.
I am shocked, even four months after the news he dropped on me. I hate going to sleep because every time I wake up, when I reach consciousness, it’s another shock that this is my reality now, and that the reality I thought I had for so many years wasn’t actually my reality at all. Every moment of every day is filled with shock, trauma, devastation. I feel a knot in my stomach and a terrible ache in my heart that never goes away. I can’t trust anybody or anything anymore at all.
I just don’t even know what to say at this point. I have gone to some 12-step meetings for spouses of sex addicts, and I continue to go periodically, but I don’t really want to because I don’t want to be in this situation at all. I am trying to find some way to feel like things are normal, but I can’t. What is God doing?
(USA) I understand completely and I too wake up in shock every night… often I can’t sleep at all. You are not alone… there are many women out there like us- good, loving and faithful women. We did not cause this and we certainly do not deserve this fate.
The one thing I have learned is that this is a serious addiction and it usually starts with pornography and masturbation, but escalates to a sordid and hideous lifestyle that is costly in every possible sense of the word.
Other men and a 12 step program can help. Bless you in your journey.
(USA) I just saw the first post and this is my story, as well. I have been with my husband almost nineteen years and I never knew he had a secret second life. I thought we were very close. We have raised three kids together, but I learned only recently (the long, slow, painful way) that he is on hundreds of chat room sites and has had sex with between 80 and 100 other women.
I know this sounds unbelievable but it’s true. The most recent situation involved a highly paid prostitute with whom he thought he fell in love and to whom he wrote hundreds of “love letters.” I started to learn of the betrayal in late January but the whole long, sad story didn’t emerge until a few weeks ago. I am still in shock.
My husband has joined a few Men’s Groups for Sex Addicts and is working on a 12-step program. For the moment I am going to try to stay together but only because he recently took a lie detector test so I know he has been “sober” for two months.
I would never have believed that a woman could stay with a man after learning what I have learned, but it’s all so horrific that I cannot consider his behavior anything less than a full-blown addiction. I hope to honor my vow to stand by him “in sickness and in health” but I can only do so if he is able to remain sober.
(USA) Dear Precious Ladies, I can so identify with all your heartache and pain. On Jan 9th, 2009 my world came crashing down around me. My husband and I had been married for 26 years and I thought he was the most loving and faithful man a wife could ever hope for. Oh, I couldn’t have been more wrong! We had a professional disclosure with our therapist, which later came to find out he had lied to me and to our therapist. He had willingly omitted some of the truth so I got what we call “The Dribble” effect over the next 3 years.
At first he confessed to being addicted to porn and masturbation which was devastating in itself. But when it all finally came out this is what I had to face: My husband had sex with 18 prostitutes at massage parlors, visited 5 lingerie parlors, 6 strip clubs where he went to the VIP room and even got one of the strippers phone numbers and tried to call her. He had an affair with a co-worker whom I knew, and the worst confession was a double betrayal as he confessed having an affair for over a year with my best friend.
Its been 3 1/2 years and I have been blessed to have attended some groups for spouses of sex addicts that are Christian based. I was on 2 tele-conferences on A Woman’s Healing Journey with Marsha Means, and Avenue with Brenda Stoeker. Both were such a blessing to my healing. I have been in therapy individual and marriage.
I must now say that my husband has been pure since Jan. 22nd 2009. He has been totally transformed from the inside out as he accepted Christ. He has been completely committed to his recovery and meetings. He is totally repentant and remorseful for the sinful way he lived and treated me for so long. He is very sensitive to my healing and he goes to any length to be the man/husband Christ has called him to be.
I wish I could say that makes the pain and images go away but it doesn’t. I still have good and bad days –days where I feel peaceful and content and days where I am so hurt and angry I want to hit him. Some times I think that the extent of all he has done is so much and the damage is too much for me to ever get over. I can’t wrap my head around all the heartbreaking things he has done. This journey is definitely hard. I was taught early on not to believe his words but to believe his actions and the actions my husband has displayed these past 3 years have all been of a man with a changed heart and a desire to do whatever it takes to stay pure 1st for God then for his wife.
Please pray for me that I will be able to get rid of the resentments, bitterness, anger and unforgivness that is holding me captive and that I will extend to him love, mercy and grace. Blessings to you all, Karen
(AUSTRALIA) Here is a article called “Sexual abuse in marriage – What should a Christian wife do?” http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/06/11/sexual-abuse-in-marriage-what-should-a-christian-wife-do/
(NZ) Reading your stories was such an eye-opener and at the same time very heart-wrenching. I have been married for 17 yrs and have 3 children. My husband and I met and dated for 4 yrs before we were married. I had no sexual experience before I met him, even though I knew he had, it never bothered me. I always suspected that something was amiss–but you know, you never can put your finger on it. I found out by default because he had so much guilt that he wanted to get help and talk about it to me. He admitted that he visited nudist beaches and camps when he was away on business and he was addicted to pornography which always leads to masturbation. When he was telling me all of this, I remember excusing myself to go to the bathroom (I was 7 months pregnant at the time) and in those few precious seconds I would shout out to God to help me not to fall apart in front of him. I wanted to be strong so that he could admit what I had suspected that something was off.
I thought there was something wrong with me acting suspicious and feeling like something was going on in the spiritual realm (and it was the fight between good and evil). The fact that he got the nudist camp people to try to get me and our 5 yr old daughter to join? That is when I knew that this was a cry for help and how bad it was. So we contacted the pastor and he began to pray and intercede for him. That was 9 yrs ago after recommiting his life to the Lord–he back slid and he is on numerous sites and chat rooms. I hate feeling this way, and you know what upsets me most? At night when I am interceding for him to come back to God and up with all this stuff running through my mind and coming up against these demonic attacks, he sleeps like a baby. I have noticed though he drinks more and has a ugliness in his face that I used to love so much. He looks destitute sometimes and it breaks my heart, he doesn’t want anything to do with God or the church. He called me a plague the other day–to be truthful, I’m not sure where to from here. I have not lost my faith in God and I know I have to talk to my husband again and I am not at all confident I want to hear what has really been going on. When he first admitted to having a problem 9 yrs before, he said he was with prostitutes and other women. I’m 40 now and I’m thinking what about me?
(USA) Me too. I was married to him for 29 years before finding out he is a sex addict. Other women have had sex with him in MY bed, and he’s had sex with the woman of the household at various times over the years when we’ve been guests in someone else’s house. I wanted to keep the marriage together and work it out, he didn’t. It’s been 3 years since I lived with him, 1.5 years since we’ve been divorced.
For us, I see it was the only way as I can pick him out on every dating website -profiles are all full of lies. And he has another woman who lives with him (moved her in the day after I moved out) in his life who believes he is faithful. He has no desire to change and honestly, I think this behavior is the only way he feels anything at all. Its become very obvious he doesn’t have the ability to bond with anyone. The marriage wasn’t repairable and I know the same thing will happen to anyone he has a relationship with.
I have forgiven him and do feel compassion as I believe there are many demons he struggles with on a daily basis. I fully expect that it’s taking more and more to satisfy his sexual needs and that one day he’ll be on the front page of the paper and probably in jail. He’s a well admired professional but that’s not going to last. He’s on a downward spiral and doesn’t want help, he just wants to keep feeding his addiction. Thoughts and prayers with you all. There is no easy way out of this mess.
(US) My fiancé has just came clean about his addiction to porn and has been pretending to be other people to get other pictures of women… He’s made different profiles, would go on in chat rooms, text people pretending to be someone else, etc. He loves me so much but he hates himself and feels so much guilt that at times he tries to get me to leave because he feels he does not deserve me after everything he’s done. We had such a great relationship before all of this but we seem to fight so much more and there are just so many hurt feelings. I feel like I’m falling apart.
The other day he texted me while he was at work and told me “I’m horrible… I messed up today, it just took over me” he had looked at porn again. We had just gotten into this and got in a big fight the day before. I was so hurt I told him that if he didn’t find a way to stop this he would lose me. He called me and we were yelling back and forth and I was crying and crying. He felt that I didn’t trust him when he said he’d get it under control and stop. He felt he couldn’t talk to me and I was jumping down his thoat and expecting an overnight fix. He told me don’t count on him coming to me again. It was very hard, I lost it and told him how I felt, how this was affecting me and that I was scared.
When he got home we talked. I told him I was very sorry for jumping on him like that and he just held me and told me it was okay because in the end it is still his fault. We were much better and the last couple of days have been great. But I worry that if he doesn’t get help then he will not over come this. But he also does not sound willing to go to counseling. I’m so scared for us! We get married in only 9 months :( Is there hope that he will be able to stop on his own with my support? He promises me he will not let this ruin us and that he will stop, that he’s doing his best and it’s just going to take some time.
(USA) Brittany, if he is sincere about stopping, you should suggest http://saa-recovery.org/ There are numerous meetings, at least two meetings everyday. They are telephone meetings so he can call in and be completely anonymous. There is incredible help there if he is serious. I would also suggest an addiction counselor, if he will go. But there is no reason, if he is serious, for him not to do the SAA call-in meetings. They have helped my husband SO much. Blessings!
(USA) I don’t know where to start in sharing my story. I love my husband so much but I feel like our world is falling apart. I met my husband at 17 and he was and still is the sweetest man and we have been inseparable for over 20 years (married for 16 yrs). I always knew that he had a wandering eye, but it really seemed that that was the extent of it. He has always had fairly low self-esteem and has been up-front about the fact that he enjoys looking at attractive women. However, he always has reassured me that he finds me beautiful and attractive and loves me more than ever.
5 years ago I made the discovery that he had a profile on an online dating site and had been engaging in cybersex, sexting, etc. I confronted him and we began going to marriage counseling and everything seemed to improve. However, less than a year later I discovered that he was still on the online site and had made plans to meet a specific woman in person. He swore that this was the first time he’d ever even spoken to one of the people he met online and that in his heart he knew he wouldn’t go through with it. I was devastated, but after much debate I decided to stay in the marriage and keep trying. We have 2 beautiful children and he is a wonderful father and I hate the idea of putting my children through a divorce.
Last week, I discovered unusual cell phone charges and a large amount of conversation between my husband and a number I didn’t recognize, particularly on one evening when he couldn’t really account for his whereabouts. I confronted him and he confessed that he had met another woman online and was trying to meet with her. The meeting did not take place, but this was the first time he admitted that he fully had intended to have sex with her. He has always maintained that he loves me and has no emotion for this other person and no intention to leave our marriage but I am crushed.
His ideal marriage would be an open one where both of us are free to sleep with others and the thought makes me ill. I believe in my marriage vows and I will not violate them. I don’t know what to do. My children are begging us to stay together and I love them more than anything. And strangely enough, my husband and I do love one another. What do I do? I’m praying and praying and just so confused.
(UNITED STATES) As a married man, I noticed that the sexual activity started to taper from what we had to a new more abbreviated version. I wanted to have an experience, not perform a function. I think that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I have looked at pornography in the past because she says that my advances put pressure on her. Please feel free to comment any way you wish, crude or not. I seek truth, not sugar coating.