Here are some of the reasons women leave men. And then we’ll follow with some of the reasons men leave women:
- “I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned.”
- “My husband is no longer my friend.”
- “The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex.”
- “He’s never there for me when I need him the most.”
- “When he hurts my feelings he doesn’t apologize.”
- “He lives his life as if we weren’t married; he rarely considers me.”
- “We’re like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine.”
- “My husband has become a stranger to me. I don’t even know who he is anymore.”
- “He doesn’t show any interest in me or what I do.”
Women Leave Men for Various Reasons
Women appear to tend to be more concerned about the relationship aspect of marriage than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them. Additionally, they initiate most marriage counseling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends; sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men.
Why do women seem so dissatisfied with marriage? What do they want from their husbands? What bothers them so much about marriage that most are willing to risk their families’ future to escape it? Why do women leave men?
Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
Expectations Out of Reach
When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
The simpler role of husbands in decades past has now been replaced by a much more complex and confusing role. This is especially true in their relationship with their wives. Some conclude that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive. Others feel that women have come to expect so much of men that they’re impossible to please; so there’s no point in even trying. Very few men, these days, feel that they’ve learned to become the husbands that their wives have wanted, and the job seems to be getting more and more difficult.
Grounds for Divorce
Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as often as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is “mental cruelty.” When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband’s efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.
Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is “neglect” itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.
Spousal Neglect
When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it’s far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.
I have little trouble convincing most men that verbal and physical abuse are legitimate reasons for their wives to leave. And there has been increasing social pressure on men lately to avoid hurting their wives physically and verbally, which makes my job even easier. But neglect is a much tougher sell, and it’s also much more difficult to overcome than abuse. While it’s the most important reason women leave men, it’s hard to convince men that it’s a legitimate reason, something they should avoid at all costs.
Complaints
Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, “He ignores me except when he wants sex. My husband sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. He rarely calls me to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and then never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.”
Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic if married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
Do women expect too much of their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should? I’ve proven to husbands over and over again that their wives usually don’t expect too much of them, and when they understand and respond to their wives’ frustration, the complaining ends and a terrific marriage begins.
Expect Effort
What’s more, their wives aren’t expecting more effort from them. Instead, they expect efforts in a different direction. It isn’t more difficult to please women these days; it simply requires a change in the priority of effort.
What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who’s there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected.
I use a house as an illustration to help husbands understand how their wives feel. Each room in the house represents one of the husband’s roles in life. There’s a room for his job as a production manager, there’s another for golf, another for his new sports car, one for his garden, one for his children, one for church, and, yes, one for his wife.
Focused Attention
As he makes his way through an average day, he visits various rooms when he’s faced with the role the room defines. And when he’s in a certain room, the others are blocked out of his mind so that he can focus his undivided attention on the role he plays at the time. He does his best when he’s not faced with distractions, and prefers to deal with each problem with all his energy and creativity so that he does the best he can in each role he plays.
The wives of most men are only one of many rooms in this imaginary house. It represents the “husband” role. When they’re in that room, they usually try to give their wives undivided attention and make a special effort to meet their needs. They also go to that room to have their own needs met, particularly the need for sex.
What frustrates wives most is that they’re relegated to only one room in their husbands’ imaginary house instead of every room. In other words, they want to be integrated into a man’s entire life, not relegated to one corner. Without such integration, there can be no emotional bonding, uniting of the spirit, feeling of intimacy, and in many cases, no sex.
Stay Emotionally Connected
To help husbands learn to avoid this unpleasant outcome, I’ve tried to show them how to become and stay emotionally connected to their wives by inviting them into each room of their house. They learn to become more than the role of “husband” to their wives. They learn to integrate their wives into every aspect of their lives.
When I counsel a husband, I explain that he’s to invite his wife into each room of his house. Regardless of his role or responsibility, his wife should be considered in each decision he makes. Once the invitation is made, the results are startling!
When a husband invites his wife into each room of his house, she helps change his priorities. She reminds him that her feelings are very different from his. As a result, he begins to live his life in a way that’s compatible to her needs and values. He learns how to avoid habits that cause his wife to be unhappy, and he learns how to meet her most important emotional needs. He also learns how to give his undivided attention to her and schedule time to be alone with her.
THE POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT
To help men integrate their wives into each room, I’ve encouraged husbands to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT AN ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT BETWEEN YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.
This policy helps men take their wives’ feelings into account whenever they make a decision. They avoid thoughtless habits, learn to meet emotional needs with mutual enjoyment and resolve their conflicts. All of this creates marital compatibility and emotional bonding.
The word “anything” in the policy applies to all the activities of a husband that go on in each of his rooms. So whenever he follows it, he learns to think about his wife’s reaction to everything he learns to think about his wife’s reaction to everything he does, not just what goes on in the “husband” room.
Why ENTHUSIASTIC Agreement?
Some argue that just an agreement would be a big help, why insist on enthusiastic agreement? It’s because I want couples to avoid agreements that are coerced or self-sacrificing. I want couples to learn how to come to agreements that take both of their interests into account at once. I’ve encouraged couples to continue to negotiate until they arrive at an enthusiastic agreement because they’re the ones that stand up to the test of time.
Most men complain that if they invite their wives into every room of their imaginary houses, their wives will take over completely and they’ll lose all their peace and freedom. They imagine their identities shriveling away and find themselves a shadow of their former selves. But the Policy of Joint Agreement prevents that unfortunate outcome. Joint agreement means that both husband and wife must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity or subjecting themselves to slavery when they themselves must be enthusiastic about each decision. The goal is to become united in purpose and spirit, not to overpower or control each other.
How easy is it?
Couples that are already emotionally bonded have little or no trouble following this policy. They’ve already learned how to behave in sensitive and caring ways in each of their life’s roles. But emotionally distant couples have great difficulty with the policy at first. They’re accustomed to doing what they please regardless of its effect on each other, especially when they play certain roles. But if they follow the policy for even one day, they begin to see how their thoughtlessness has created emotional distance.
As couples apply the policy to each of their daily plans and activities, they begin to feel cared for by each other and are encouraged by each other’s thoughtfulness. Over time, their emotional binding becomes more and more firm, and the policy becomes easier and easier to follow as they become soul mates.
Think About Spouse
Men who follow the Policy of Joint Agreement think about their wives throughout the day. When they make decisions they ask themselves how their wives would feel. Phone calls are made whenever there’s doubt. As time passes, these men become increasingly sensitive to their wives’ feelings. If men consider their wives feelings in each decision they make, asking their wives when there’s any uncertainty, they create a compatible lifestyle.
The Policy of Joint Agreement helps create understanding, emotional bonding, intimacy and romantic love in marriage. Men that learn to take their wives feelings into account meet their most important emotional needs. They also learn to overcome the selfish habits that make their wives so unhappy, because these habits don’t meet the standard of mutual agreement. Over time, they experience what every couple hopes to create in marriage: A loving and compatible relationship.
A woman doesn’t leave the man who has invited her into every room of his house. That’s because she doesn’t stand outside the rooms of his house feeling like a stranger. She’s welcomed into his entire home as his cherished life partner.
This article was featured in the New Man Magazine (which is no longer being published). This magazine provided wisdom and encouragement to men from the approach of real masculinity and Christianity. Even though this was an American Magazine, it also provided international subscription services.
Dr Willard Harley, who is a well known author and speaker. He has a great web site that you may want to check out at marriagebuilders.com. It has a lot of very helpful articles plus a Discussion Forum that is also available for your use.
If you have tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) I was married for 18 years to my husband and finally left. By the time I left, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did to try and improve things. The resentment and hurt was just too deep.
I left my job to raise our son. I took excellent care of everything; the house, the bills, all the problems, child rearing, cooking, laundry, organizing..etc. There was never a word of gratitude or praise, though he would brag about his acknowledgments at work. There really wasn’t any respect shown for what I did sacrificially for our family. And on top of it, I barely received any help, especially with our son. I was bascially a signle parent.
When I would voice my feelings, he wouldn’t say a word… not one word, or just roll his eyes. It made me feel that my feeling mattered not one bit. There was also, absolutely, no affection on his part… that is, except for sex. There also were no in-depth conversations about our feelings… I would try, but he wouldn’t say a word. Because of that, there was no intimacy, meaning emotional intimacy.
Finally, when I was diagnosed with MS, well, over time, I couldn’t do as much as I could before. I was barely getting any help. Then, when I had an episode of horrible fatigue for a month, due to MS, I was completely ignored. I was literally wasting away. Thank goodness my sister come over and saw the horrible shape I was in.
I think my husband bascially wanted a mother.
(UK) I have known my husband way back from Uni. I have known him now for 16 yrs. But you know what? I shy away from some of his behaviours I cannot stand right now. He has very bad habits I have been trying to make him stop; he smokes weed, he’s not there for the kids for anything, he stays away from the house most of the time, but he wants sex all the time.
I have tried to speak my mind out to him that he needs to change or else we have to go our separate ways, I cannot afford to risk my kids growing up with a dad who takes drugs.
I am not sexually connected to him what so ever anymore. We cannot even have a normal conversation as a couple, he just puts me off living in the same house with him. I have had it right now with him. I have asked to move out, I have given it my best for 16yrs. I just need a break right now.
I have tried to pray about it, I find it very hard, I must say. My kids are aware Mum does everything in the house, all Dad does is going out. Thanks – Lorrine
(SOUTH AFRICA) We have been married 6 years after a 5 year relationship. My husband takes no responsibility in our marriage. He sells coffee from a Franchise portable coffee machine which I purchased for him after he couldnt find work for 3 years. The money he makes goes into his daily needs to fund his drinking and smoking. When he drinks he is verbally abusive, swears and shouts, plays loud music at whatever time he feels like it and I am unable to communicate with him. Saturday is his Rugby day with the boys and we spend hardly any time together which is perhaps for the best as we end up arguing…
I work fulltime and pay for everything, the bond, food, utility bills, insurances etc. He says I am blessed to have my job and that I should be happy to pay as a Christian wife. I understand that he feels bad about not having “real” work but he never says thanks or helps with the house or the animals and when I ask him to help he argues and says I am trying to control him. I cannot sleep at night. He snores so badly and I am not at all interested in having marital relations with him anymore. He will ask, “Are we ever going to have sex again?” Every day I pray for my husband to stop drinking and then I could be a wife to him but I hate the smell of alcohol and cigarettes when we get close.
It’s really hard and I try to contol my growing dislike of him every day and pray for wisdom and strength to get through it. He has to be the most selfish person I have ever met.
My dilemma is in that I love the Lord and his word and know that God hates divorce and that we have to make an effort in marriage no matter what. I have been praying for God to give me a friend to share with as I feel very lonely, especially weekends which are taken up with housework and shopping. If there was someone I could talk to it would make things easier. I just know I have to thank God for the trials we face and that there are always people worse off than me.
(USA) This post is 100% diarrhea. The Bible is extremely clear on the terms of marriage (that it is for life) the roles (incredibly hard for either men or women to meet in modern society, but clearly commanded anyway), and the instances where divorce is allowed (A man may divorce his wife ONLY for infidelity, and a woman may NEVER divorce her husband under any circumstances). Case closed.
When a person finds themselves thinking or doing anything whatsoever that is threatening to their marriage or holds their marriage in any light at all other than one of profound reverence, sacredness, and life-long commitment, they need to repent immediately and seek counsel from other believers. This Truth is especially important for women these days, since pop psychology and women’s liberation seems to have created a situation where women hold this deranged notion that marriage is supposed to be happy and all about a man making the woman feel good all the time and meeting her emotional needs as well as her standards and expectations.
God help our fallen and flippant generation, starting with me, as I continue to pray daily for a saved wife.
.
(AUSTRALIA) I think there are many highly respected theologians that would disagree with you. If you look carefully at what the Bible says, the original meaning of words and the context in which they are said, you will find that God’s thinking on divorce is not only rational but it lines up with God’s character throughout the Scriptures.
The thinking that God doesn’t allow for divorce ignores the fact that divorce and remarriage was not only legal according to Mosaic law, but also commanded by God in certain circumstances (like when the Jews took Gentile wives). Although marriage was designed as a permanent union to reflect the very nature of the Trinity, God knew that divorce would be necessary to protect women in the very patriarchal Jewish society. He declared Himself the protector of the vulnerable and oppressed, especially of the women, widows and children.
Recently, I heard of a woman who asked her pastor if she should divorce her violent husband. He advised her to at least separate herself. But she knew that if she did, he would escalate his abuse, and she decided anyway that divorce was not permissible anyway, so she remained. The pastor asked the church to pray for her. A few months later, the pastor asked the church for prayer again, this time for her children – they were orphaned as the father was in jail for killing their mother. It was sad that she thought God was more interested in her marriage than her life.
I like Bishop TD Jakes’ philosophy – that marriage is a sacred union not to be lightly esteemed, but where a person’s safety, survival or sanity is at stake, then God’s nature is to put the human soul above any institution. God values human souls far above any institution.
75% of all abusive marriages break up. That’s just the consequence of abuse. You can’t expect them to remain whole. It’s the law of sowing and reaping. No human being can take that sort of treatment and build a respectful relationship based on lop-sided entitled attitudes. It’s nothing to do with trying to be happy or expecting to be happy. Most people I know who separated did so after countless acts of abuse and countless times of trying to make it work, based on the false belief that if they changed, the other person would.
These poor souls were mauled and damaged on the inside by the time they got out, and some still felt obliged to go back. I don’t know why they kept going forward for prayer for emotional and physical healing when they would not get rid of the cause of the sickness. It’s like smoking then asking prayer for lung problems.
(UK) My husband had an affair during the past few months. I found out about it, then he stopped.
I also asked him to move out. After 1 month we decided to try to work on the marriage. (we have two children 1y and 4y)
He promised not to contact the person any more, after 3 weeks I found out that he added her as a friend on facebook. At first he lied that it was someone else , but I know it was “her”. We didn’t talk for a week, then 1 night he said he is moving out. He packed all his stuff, said that he will pay some money to support children, but he will never stay in contact with them because it would make him feel pity for his children and would come back, therefore he will not see them.
He left us for his single man life and clubbing. I Am devastated that he is not strong enough to stay.
Please pray for our marriage to be saved. How am gonna explain to my 4y old that she will never ever see her daddy again? And tomorrow is my youngest one first b’day! Any help or advice for me?
Veronica, I hate to hear about this tragedy that has befallen you, but as a child who was forced to endure a divorce, I would like to give you some advice.
I cannot tell you what you should tell your daughters, only that the world is made up of people who make the world not fair. But what will help your daughters get through this time of great trial, is knowing that you are right there to hold them through it all. If that means listening to them, or exposing your shoulder so that they can cry on it etc, that is what you need to do.
I realize that you must also be hurt by all of this, but do not let that keep you from being there for your kids. If you do, that means they lost two parents not just one. To help you with all this I would suggest doing things that you don’t normally do, like picnics, go for walks/hikes, camping, etc. This will help show your children that even though their father may have left, you are still there. I would encourage doing these things with some of your friends, so that you have someone to listen to you also, not to mention that your children will feel more likely to confide the feelings they don’t wish to share with you with your friends.
When I was younger I went through a time of a huge trial also, but what really helped me get through it was knowing my mom was right there with me the whole time. Like all of us, we have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but she told me one thing over and over again which really helped me. “We will get through this together, one day at a time.” I hope this will be a word of encouragement to you.
(UK) Thank for reply Drewman. it looks so hard now :(
(NEW JERSEY) Most women today have become very independent. Their attitude towards men have changed a lot. These women must have been very badly abused when they were young or with the men that they once lived with. Today women have high paying jobs that they did not have years ago. They even make more money than a lot of men.
I am a single man that was married twice. I was a very good husband in both of my marriages. My first wife cheated on me. My second wife is bipolar. We had other problems as well. I was always caring, loving, and very understanding but to them it was not good enough. I consider myself an average good looking man and now I am having a very hard time finding a good woman today. More and more women today are lesbians, which adds to the problem. I know other men like me that are having a problem meeting women as well. Where are the nice women today?
(IRELAND) Hi Frank, I’m so sorry to hear both your marriages ended and you feel this way about most women. Believe me, I am a young woman who took my marriage vows VERY serious but I married a pathological liar who had many false profiles on Facebook.
I was convent educated in my home country here in Ireland and as a result of this also I did not take the decision lightly to separate from my husband. Divorce for me is not an option so I am praying hard to discern if I should start annulment proceedings.
I must mention also he never supported me financially even though he would claim he did. I love children but I thank God at least no child is suffering now in this situation. I still believe there are good honest men with integrity out there and if it is God’s will I will meet someone again one day. God bless.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for your support. I wish you lots of luck as well.
(UNITED STATES) Frank — The nice women are married to/ dating the jerk who takes advantage of them. Sad to say but abusive &/or user men can spot a nice girl a mile away instantly and they hone in on her playing nice until her heart is invested and then they show their true selves.
(USA) Many women out there now are lesbians today, and a lot of them that were married to men at the time are leaving their husbands for other women. Very sad, but true. Then again, there are men out there that do not know how to treat their women.
(USA) I have been married for 18 years and am the mother of two children, ages 17 and 7. I left my husband and returned to the US after 17 years in Italy with him. I asked him for a divorce at at a time when I felt I could not be married to him any longer. My heart was cold and hard and in pain for several years prior to leaving. I had asked him to go to counseling four years ago and he refused and only suggested it two weeks before I was to leave. I told him it was too late.
We have been separated. I had to wait six months before filing for divorce to fulfill residency requirements. It is during this time that I began to reflect on what I had done and asked to reconcile with him. He has told me no, that it is over and that he will not allow me to hurt him again. I know that he is justified in this in his mind. He had asked me to reconcile and when I realized that it was the best thing for us and the children, he tells me it is too late.
I am devastated. The guilt that I feel for causing my husband and children pain and for changing the course of their lives forever is so hard to bare. I have made a horrible mistake and harmed a loving and kind man who did his best for his family. What I wanted was to spend more time with him and to be closer and to not lose him as I did over time. When nothing seemed to work, I felt that all I could do was leave. I hope that God will forgive me for hurting my family for such a selfish and cold hearted decision that I made. I pray that God will open his heart and he will work with me to keep our family together. He says he will not and will be filing for divorce. I feel as if we are nothing now, that his pride is more important than his family. I know that he feels that he should so this. I pray he does not. I am so very, very sorry.
(UNITED STATES) Michele… that invoked tears. Your heart is beautiful. You made a mistake but neglect can make you feel like there is no other option. That’s why it’s so very important to put God first and our family second above all else. I’ve always said if home is good, it doesn’t matter what happens outside of that -the strength of the love from a family bond can overpower any issue outside that circle.
I pray that you find forgiveness within yourself. We are imperfect. However, God forgives all that is brought to him with honest regret. If we could all only do the same for one another.
(BOTSWANA) Hi i just turned 31. As for me, I have been in a relationship for eight years with the father of my child and all this time I have trying everything to please him. Yes, the first four years its been wonderful but then all the problems started when I started to expecting our daughter. That’s when he refrained me from making love and ever since then that had been a disease to a point where we could only make love once maybe in three months or could even go beyond that.
I will visit him at his house and the only thing he could do was to watch soccer the whole time I’m with him and wouldn’t mind coming to bed midnight and wake up very early in the morning to watch the highlights, as if that was not enough for the whole eight years I’ve been with him. He will only tell me he loves me when making love, when I excel. Instead of complimenting me he will rather say it was by luck or maybe someone helped me. You know this has been frustrating.
He wasn’t interested in building relationship with my family, especially my sisters and brothers. When we got invited for something he will say he is busy or I could just go and he never invited me for anything from his family side, let alone go to functions with me when invited by friends. He would rather come up with a reason to leave me behind, and this has been frustrating. Because of all these things we broke up three times and the forth time was final. What hurts me is that even when I did that, it’s not that I didn’t love him. I truly did, and somehow I think I’m still attached to him.
For a while I thought I was over him but now somehow I think of him a lot and wish to get back with him. Unfortunately, I have asked myself what guarantee I have that he will change for the best. Before I forget I can tell you he is the best dad of all ages and takes everything of his daughter into consideration. The only problem lies with us. I wish I knew what is the major problem.
(USA) I like your article, but where is the discussion about women changing the ways they do things to become more aligned with what their husbands want?
Have you read any of the comments here? Women are always caving to men’s selfish desires because they think marriage is about “belonging” to someone and not about working on a team for the greater good. Men typically want sex, fun, and someone else to enable their laziness. Men want their wives to take the place of their mothers so they can continue to be children, basically, continue to be comfortable. Unfortunately that isn’t how life works. You have to grow up, you have to be uncomfortable to grow up. You can’t keep asking, “What’s in it for me?” because that isn’t how you adult. Being told it’s time to do your part that you signed up for and instead pointing a finger at your teammate is going to lose you the game (be unfulfilled). Doing your part, from the heart, will no doubt in time either inspire your teammate to put in equal effort or get them kicked off the team, and either way if you’re living towards Christ-likeness, your life will stop sucking. Follow Christ and you will stop sucking so hard.
(USA) Help! I love my husband. We have been married 2 years. He never wants sex and he makes me feel neglected. I don’t know what to do anymore. He always says he loves me and he’s happy but he has almost no desire to have sex. It didn’t used to be this way. What can I do? I don’t want to end up leaving him. But I’m getting tired of doing everything to make him happy and not getting my needs met.
(USA) My first thought after reading this information is that each relationship is different. It takes a lot of life experience to interpret statistics with the right amount of assumption testing. I believe there is room for some of those tests here.
(UNITED STATES) Love it!! I think this was beautifully thought out and written. If you read it carefully and without bias, it clearly states that BOTH sides need to compromise and be sensitive to EACH OTHER. If a woman is happy, her man will be a very loved and respected man. Men say we women are insecure but fail to admit that if we care for you and your not reciprocating our affections or efforts, it can create insecurities! What are we doing wrong? Why don’t we feel like his priority? He used to love to make me smile… And so forth.
Yes, we are deeply emotionally rooted. While this may be confusing to some men, and even cause for irritation at times, it is also what makes us the loving, deducated and sexually aggressive (speaking for myself) beings that we are. The very reasons you fall in love with us. But when we don’t feel loved -the feeling of neglect hits and the insecurities start. Just as it happens when a woman doesn’t treat a man like a man needs to be treated. With holding sex, not being supportive or encouraging of his efforts to take care of his family or recognizing the little things he does to make you feel special.
He starts to feel unappreciated or undesirable. When this happens to either partner, the problems start. The arguing, silence, tension starts to eat away at all thats good.
My boyfriend and I have been struggleing lately. While he’s a wonderful provider and holds the most amazing intellectual conversations with me, he’s seriously lacking on the little things. QT – He works on the road a lot and he is always tired – exhausted really. But when he’s gone 6-10 days without seeing me, he should keep in contact at least daily. And when we do finally get to see each other, including our anniversary, he didn’t even bring a card, flower… nothing. Never has. He says he’s trying to get us financially stable and those things take from that! He makes decisions about money without me and thinks I should just be supportive of HIS plans. What about OUR plans? And a rose takes from our future? At what cost? $3.00 would have been deeply appreciated and way more meaningful than the lecture about finances!
I compromised on the new job that took him away from us. He had other options. I respected that he thought this was the better option. When I see him, I always plan something surprising for us. I buy him special things for his time away i.e… food that he likes, warm clothes, cards… I make sure things are in order so that his time home is QUALITY TIME. I’m very down to earth and low maintenance. I don’t go shopping or need expensive clothes or gifts. All I ask is that he makes me feel like the woman I am! If I make sure he always feels like the hard working, intelligent man he is, why can’t I get the same respect? I WANT to do these things for him but I have needs to.
(CANADA) As a women, I think it is very selfish and incensitive for a man to expect sex from his wife when she is deeply hurting in the relationship – after all, sex is suppost to be an expression of love for each other. But if a man wants it and expects it while refusing to work/resolve the significant relational conflicts, then it degrades the woman down to a sex tool!
Personally, I can honestly say that yes, I wish I could be there with my husband enjoying that intimacy (that’s what he wants), but living out love in that way when a woman feels very unloved in relational ways is impossible… well not totally, it would be possible but it wouldn’t be true intimacy (to me it would be emotionally hurtful). We woman need honesty, loyalty and partnership from our man and when he violates these basic marital foundations continuously, this is the true wedge in the marriage. Men, I believe women (in general) want to be intimate fully in the marriage relationship too, but don’t bribe her to do so with God’s Word quoting those verses. That’s heartless manipulation!
(USA) Linne, It’s tough because one could argue the same thing from the other side of the scenario you describe. As a man, I think it’s very selfish and insensitive for a woman to refuse sex to her husband when he is deeply hurting in the relationship -after all, sex is supposed to be an expression of connectedness with one another. But when a wife refuses it because she claims she doesn’t feel connected to her husband, she is refusing the most effective means of establishing the very connection she claims is not there. She confuses her husband because on one hand her words say she wants to be connected, but her actions of refusing sex indicate that she really does not desire the connection she claims to want.
Personally, I can honestly say yes, I wish I could be more romantic for my wife, enjoying conversations and walks in the part or neighborhood, but living out love in that way when a man feels unwanted and refused seems impossible. A marriage without sex is not a marriage. It’s like a relationship with my sister. Intimacy is impossible without regular and enthusiastic sex. Without it, the relationship is not a marriage.
We men need to feel wanted, desired. We need honesty, loyalty and partnership from our wives and when she refuses to have sex on a regular and enthusiastically, she is violating the very foundations that make marriage unique from every other relationship in a mans life. Instead of drawing husbands and wives closer together, the lack of sex drives a wedge between them, downgrading the relationship.
Men do want intimacy. We want to feel close to you. So wives, don’t discount the importance and godly purpose of sex in a marriage. Withholding sex to get him to behave the way you want him to behave is godless manipulation.
(CANADA) Oh my gosh Tony…..the way that you worded that so honestly without “a fight” makes it completely impossible for me to argue. I never saw it the way you described it but ya, you’re right. Uh! You would not believe the revelations that God has allowed into my life just in the last 12 hours – it’s truly a miracle. Thank you for sharing….to receive these words of understanding from a man’s perspective…is bringing amazing healing into me for my marriage and my family.
I write this with tears. A couple of days ago I was ready to file for legal separation, now it’s all flipped around. I can honestly say “I was so blind but now I see.” I don’t know you but there’s no doubt that God has used you big time in my life today. Thank you so much!
(USA) Thanks for your kind words.
Tony, I believe selfishness is the root of many failed marriages whether it be manifested in financial problems, sex, or abuse. Any spouse who considers their own needs to be greater than the other spouse’s needs is just plain wrong and has sinned against God.
After reading your post I must say that most women don’t necessarily feel connected to their husbands simply by the act of sex. That connection that women desire actually happens BEFORE sex. I believe you are misunderstanding your wife’s needs. It is men who use sex as a way to feel connected to their wives. If you were to ask your wife what her top 3 needs are, I can almost guarantee that sex is not one of them. However for you, the man, I’m sure it’s your number one need, if not the second most need.
You say you need honesty, loyalty and partnership… well, I truly believe that if your wife lied to you about little things, randomly did her share of the housework, and didn’t contribute consistently to bills BUT gave you sex whenever and however you wanted it, you wouldn’t be complaining too much. Why? …because she’s satisfying your most greatest need… sex. I’m curious to know what makes you think that having regular sex with your wife while you (or any husband) continue to disregard her needs will actually make her feel connected to you? Has that ever worked?
A woman who allows her husband to have sex with her while she’s hurting inside and feeling deprived will only feel like her body is being used to satisfy her husband’s needs. I can tell you from experience that a woman in that position has little to no libido. Her libido will continue to remain dormant as long as her needs aren’t being met. A husband can’t force his wife to develop sexual feelings towards him… and a husband cannot dictate how a wife should feel while having sex with him. Sure, every man wants his wife to show enthusiasm but if that’s not how you’re making her feel then no husband has the right to demand that she display it.
Normally, when there is a lack of sex in a marriage, there was a lack of “something else” that occurred long before lack of sex became a problem. I don’t condone this but many times when a spouse is withholding sex, it’s not always about manipulation but rather making the other spouse feel exactly how they feel… insignificant, under-valued, full of pain. Have you ever considered manipulating your wife’s behavior by giving her what she needs so that you can get what you need???
I never understood why a lot men believe that it is a greater sin for the wife to withhold sex than it is for the husband to withhold love. Both are equally important. The Bible never indicates which is worse. Both are considered sin and carry the same punishment by God. One spouse cannot be righteous in calling out the wrong of the other when they are just as guilty in doing the same thing. That’s hypocrisy. Both spouses MUST commit to meeting each other’s needs and I believe this commitment should be verabalized, planned out and put into action in order to bring life back into the marriage.
I don’t think I misunderstand at all. I said sex was A way, not the way. I think many are assuming that the husband has not tried to connect in the ways that are their wives top emotional needs.
My ex-wife played her cards close to her vest. Apparently sex wasn’t a problem, since she was willing to have it with another man. The problem was she wasn’t willing to let me connect in any fashion, sex or otherwise. She was willing for me to work while she was a stay-at-home mom. She was willing to let me pay the bills, mow the lawn, do home repairs, etc. But to sit with me on the couch, or take a weekend away, or anything like that, nope. Sex, well forget that.
I do agree, it’s selfishness. To believe that your preferred means of connection, male or female is the best is selfishness. There are ways that score more points with one spouse. Other means that score points with the other.
My question was aimed at those wives who complain they are not connected to their husbands, and then they rule out the most effective means of connecting for most husbands. Their refusal, for whatever reasons they might cite sends a contradictory message to most husbands. I.E. they want to connect, but they don’t want to connect in a way that meets their husbands highest, most intimate emotional need. Mixed message, full stop.
Oooooooo Renee, wow girl. You said it just right. Not many women are smart or brave or aware enough to hold such insight. Many women have been so deceived and carry guilt about how they truly feel. They are afraid to speak up. I feel sorry for those women who actually believe women are to blame for everything just because we complain. Men complain too, but they are sneaky and sly in how they let their nag come out. Women are bolder with their complaining. But believe me, men grumble too.
Women need to hush being so vocal and do it in a sneaky way, as men do. :) But anyway I am so proud of you my friend and sister. I was thinking of the same ideas, but could not write it as well as you did. Thank you girl!
The moderators get angry with me because I express anger over double standards and unfairness.
Beryl, You are so wrong in saying that we “get angry” because you “express anger over double standards and unfairness.” THAT’S unfair… because we don’t get angry at all when people call out double standards and such. Doing that can be a good thing, and we’re glad when we can give someone the platform in doing so. But if name-calling, berating, or giving blanket statements like “all men” are this or “all women” are like that, or we’re encouraging behavior that is mean-spirited or prideful –we just don’t want to promote that kind of talk.
The Internet is too “safe” for people to mean talk one another and act like we’re the judges of the world, and whatever comes to mind, we should be able to blurt out (even if we didn’t think it all the way through). We’re just not into adding to or perpetuating that type of behavior on this web site. We LOVE well thought out, prayerful verbal interchange –even if we don’t agree with what is being said. We’ve posted many comments from others that we don’t agree with. But when it is hurtful in an unnecessary way, or it promotes that which is blatantly untrue, spoken in a mean or prideful spirit, we just don’t want to give voice to this type of attitude or talk.
We’re told in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” What I see in that scripture (and others) is that it’s okay to disagree and it’s okay to be angry and speak your mind about a double standard or an unfairness going on that you see. It’s okay to “speak truth in love” and call out an unfair behavior as long as there is grace given and an attitude of trying to reveal truth and bring voice to “double standards” without being haughty –being bent on “right fighting” to the point where the goal is to hurt the person or people rather than help them to see another side to things. The goal is to change shaky thoughts and behavior, not to give him or her a 1,2 punch to the chops for seeing things differently. It’s the GOAL of what is being said and how it is said that makes the difference with us.
So please Beryl, please understand that we WANT you and others to add to the discussion on this web site IF it is said in a spirit of bringing us together, rather than pushing us apart because of the way we deliver that message. We just need to be careful in HOW we say what we say, and the spirit we are taking in making our point. I hope this helps in some way.
Tony, just as you say that a marriage without sex is not a marriage, the same goes for a marriage without the affectionate, loving connection. This too is not a marriage. God made women to need that affection and emotional connection before sex. Remember, we do not have that strong urge or drive for sex. We really prefer our sleep. :)
Sir, you are confusing sexual intimacy for emotional intimacy. The former is over quick and all about your immediate gratification, the latter takes time and attention and sacrificing the selfish desire for immediate gratification. Giving a woman the constant praise she desires/deserves and ignoring/silencing your penis for a few days will jumpstart any woman’s desire. So will putting her orgasm first, i.e. learn how to go down on a woman.
(USA) Many of us good straight men that know how to treat a woman very well, are certainly having a very difficult time meeting a good woman today. I wish there were women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed around again, that would certainly had made it easier for us serious men that are looking.