There was no hope in his eyes as he faced me. “She walked out on me,” he said. “She just called me at work one day and said, ‘I’ve had it. I’m leaving.'” He tried to control the tremor around his mouth. “I realize now that much of it was my fault. I guess she tried to talk to me before this. …”
As I listened, I realized the truth of what he’d said. She had tried to tell him. When their son was born, she hadn’t wanted to go back to work immediately. But he pressured her, telling her that they needed her income. She nagged some and later grew severely depressed. But he didn’t think her depression had anything to do with him or with being away from their son.
She Tried to Talk
Actually, that wife had pushed every button she had available to make him listen to her pain and anger. But he was oblivious to her inner cries. He worked two jobs so he wasn’t home much. But more importantly, even when he was home, he failed her emotionally.
Somewhere in time, she decided that the pain of divorce was more bearable than the hurt of being in the same house when they were emotionally at opposite ends of the earth. So she walked out. What she did wasn’t right, but I can understand it. It was probably a last desperate attempt to get her husband’s attention. She got it, all right, but it came too late.
I wonder how many broken relationships are due to a similar scenario. I wonder how many men are in the process this very moment of distancing their wives by failing to understand their needs. We’re talking about the need to be listened to, to have feelings and emotions validated by their husband’s concentrated attention and understanding.
Men Do Have Emotional Needs
It’s not that men don’t need emotional support and intimacy —they do, of course. I know some men who have as great a need for relating on an emotional, feeling, subjective level as any woman. They are often the counselors, those others turn to when in trouble, the pastor-shepherds. But as my wife Carole and I have listened to couples, we find that in the average marriage, it’s generally a matter of degree. And the women’s need usually seems greater. It is she who most often longs for soul-to-soul communication. She feels like she never quite has that desire met by her spouse. She needs to talk to him and have him talk to her in connective ways.
The following incident appeared in a recent article [in Readers Digest Magazine, “Why Husbands Won’t Talk”].
They wrote:
Judy, an artist, was worried about preparations for an exhibition. She started to talk to Cliff, her husband that she wanted his support and sympathy.
Instead, Cliff fired off instructions: “One, get all the artists together. Two, call your accountant—the expenses may be deductible. Three, check with the bank to see how much money you have. Four, contact the P.R. people.”
Judy felt rejected, and thought to herself: “Cliff doesn’t care how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.”
Cliff believed he was being supportive. He had given her his best advice. But Judy was seeking emotional rapport, not problem solving.
Can You Relate?
Carole and I can relate to that! I have had to work on intimacy in communication all of our married life. It probably has to do with me being that logical, factual, objective kind of guy. I have to admit that by nature, I am a concealer of my feelings. In fact, if one side of a scale represented the ability to express feelings and the other side represented the need to conceal those feelings, Carole and I would probably balance the scales pretty well.
According to most marriage counselors, concealment is more often a trait in men, and it stems from various factors such as background, cultural expectations, perceptions of manliness, and personality. This tendency to conceal has drastic implications. James Collier says that most men think it unmanly even to admit that they have a problem —much less request aid.
He wrote:
Men in America feel that they ought to be able to deal with anything that comes along. They feel it’s an admission of failure if they’re having trouble. Some men would rather fail at their marriage or with their children than admit that something is wrong and seek a solution.
… Says marriage specialist Goldstein: “Men aren’t supposed to have sensitive, warm feelings or feelings of tenderness for the people around them—much less express them.” It is like the story of the old Vermont farmer 40 years married, who said, “I love Sarah Jane so much that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from telling her.”
Communication patters: Spell them d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.
• They’re different in the number of and reasons to talk and ask questions.
A revealer is often full of questions and sees them as a way to maintain a conversation. They think, “If I don’t ask the other person won’t know that I care.” Questions represent intimacy and caring. But not to a concealer! Now questions can represent meddling. The concealer may be thinking, “Oh, no, you don’t! You can’t pry that information out of me. If I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you —without all your questions.”
• They’re different, too, in the nature of responses to communication.
A revealer may use encouraging sounds such as “uh-huh” and “hmmm” to encourage the other person. Then they feel ignored because the concealer utters so few of these acknowledging sounds. When I listen silently, Carole sometimes asks, “Honey, are you there?”
• They’re different in the use of what some call “oneness” words such as you and we.
A revealer may use many more of such words, as well as conversational bridges such as “Please go on —would you give me another example? …”
Can you identify yourself? As I’ve said, I tend to be the concealer, and —being logical as well —I have to say that often, logical men have logical reasons for concealment! I read of a group of men who were asked their reasons for not talking. Several of them gave fairly logical reason, such as simply not being in a talkative mood, or being tired and not wanting to expend energy talking, even wanting to protect the wife when she was tired and agitated and her emotional tank was near “empty.”
But others in the group answered in ways that indicated their concealment should not be accepted at face value. Listen to these reasons some men gave:
(1) Silence helps me avoid differences of opinion when we talk.
I grew up in a family that rarely expressed strong feelings. So talking is tough, especially when I know what I have to say isn’t what my wife wants to hear.
(2) Silence protects me when I don’t want to talk.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk to my wife about certain things because I’m afraid she will use them against me.
(3) Silence maintains a balance of attachment and freedom that feels comfortable in our relationship.
Sometimes I need closeness, but other times I need distance. I’m most content with our marriage when there’s a natural ebb and flow in our interaction.
(4) Silence precludes heated explosions.
If I don’t shoot off words, I’m less likely to catch crossfire or have to pick up debris when the battle ceases.
(5) When something is bothering me, I don’t talk because my wife tends to overreact and make matters worse.
The last thing I want is someone bouncing off the walls in anger or else sniveling about it.
Did you notice a similarity in these five reasons for silence? It would appear that most of these reasons are based on self protection or comfort, not on the intimacy of the marriage or the needs of the wife.
Now of course there are times when silence is good. But to constantly conceal our feelings is bound to stifle the intimacy and closeness that our marriages demand (and most wives need) in order for us to become truly one.
One counselor puts it this way: Wives think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” Husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”
So we’re different. So one of us doesn’t talk much about feelings, and the other shares freely. Can anything be done?
Different Need to Talk About Feelings
Family counselor Norm Wright says:
A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an un-expressive male. Becoming fatalistic is not the answer, and I’m not talking about divorcing him either. Don’t listen if someone tells you “Don’t be so concerned about men not expressing their feelings. That’s just the way they are!” Men may tend to be that way, but they can change. Challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations can work.
Men do respond initially to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it. He can tell her how he did at events or school when he was growing up easier than how he feels about what he did. But starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.
But the revealer must be cautioned:
Mr. Wright also says that a man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is discounted. It is shared with others, disbelieved, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. Remember: safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge from his castle. He wants what he shares to be used for his welfare, not against him. Trust is a major issue.
This article comes from the book, Opposites Attack, by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It was originally published by NavPress (no longer being published). This book is aimed at turning your differences into opportunities and helping polar opposites turn into the best of friends. As they often say, “different doesn’t mean wrong —it just means different in the way you approach life. This is such a practical book and really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other.
The Silent Treatment Can Go Both Ways
Before closing this article we want to acknowledge that silent treatments can go both ways. Sometimes it is the husband who is silent, and other times it is the wife. The reasons are many, as to why they choose to be verbally non-communicative. (Sometimes it is because of abusive situations, immaturity, taking a time out, or just not knowing a better way to handle a situation. There are other reasons, as well.) But one thing for sure, prolonged silence, or misused silence can block healthy communication from happening.
To give further insights into how to deal with the “silent treatment” and how to resist giving it when it’s not a healthy thing to do, here are a few additional articles you can read:
- When Couples Give the Silent Treatment
- 5 Steps to Take if Your Spouse Gives you the Silent Treatment
Lastly:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article. If you have a tip that can help others, please join the discussion below. We would be most grateful.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) I’ve been married for almost 30 years, to the same man. We did have a divorce for some of it, but have only been apart for 1 year. I do tend to wear my heart on my shoulder. I confront issues, so that I might fix them right away. He’s fine with the everyday stuff and only talking about fun, games, superficial stuff. I on the other hand, need to talk about our marriage problems. He calls these conversations, confrontational and me being mad at him "all the time".
This started quite a few years ago, and as I look in the mirror now, I realize that yes over the last couple of years, I am mad at him "all the time". I try and explain that it’s because he’s pulled out of our marriage and he won’t talk to me about the problems. His usual response is to say something about what I need to change and then goes to bed. If I wait for him to initiate the conversation, well let’s just say it’s been almost a week now, and we’ve barely spoken 10 full sentences to each other.
He hasn’t wanted to have sex with me for over 2 yrs. He doesn’t clean up after himself, he doesn’t take a shower unless he’s going to work. He pack rats to the point of the neighbors complaining. I do feel as though I’ve nagged the marriage to it’s doom. But I also feel that if he would have just listened to ONE of my griefs and tried with me to fix it, we could have worked this out. Now, I don’t know.
I have vowed to myself, not to ask anything from him, get angry with him, start a conversation other than a superficial one, or be emotional around him. The only thing this seems to be doing though, is let the rift between us get bigger and bigger. I do not even know how I feel about him anymore. When I think about leaving, I feel sad and remorseful. I feel very sick to my stomach when having to admit to myself that I’m the one that caused all of the problems in the marriage. I feel this way because he’s always got a good reason for the things he does. Wow – confused.
(USA) I’m an Hispanic Christian woman married with a Jewish man for 15 years, and with only one year of peace in my marriage. In that first year I got pregnant and had a child, just a couple of weeks before my husband got seriously ill. The first year of my daughter’s life I was taking care of my sick husband, while learning how to be a mom, and with no family around to help. Sure it was a very difficult time, but I survived! I feel very comfortable with myself for everything that I did for my husband while he was sick, and the years after. However, even when I never did anything expecting something back from him, I feel very resentful for the treatment that I had received.
With the exception of the first year, my husband had been emotionally cold and indifferent towards me. He had emotionally abandoned and rejected me. Every time I talk to him about it, he verbally affirms his love for me, however his actions do not show it. After three different marriage counselors, two Family Life Weekends, seven years married, and no positive changes, I decided to get separated.
Two years later I made the mistake of going back with him. He did not learn or change anything (he wanted me to believe him when he cried on the phone). He didn’t even appreciate that I was back. After we got back together he has been more cold, indifferent, manipulative, and controlling than ever before. He cares so much about money and about being a materially good provider that he has completely ignored other things that are also very important for the family. He is never around. He is a "workaholic" and when he is around, he traps himself in his own world (baseball, investment analysis, and more work from his work computer).
He doesn’t talk, make conversations, or share anything unless he’s asked to. He doesn’t do anything to express a sign of love unless he wants to be in bed. The main reason for me getting back with him, was my daughter. I didn’t wanted to hurt her feelings. She could not understand her father’s problems and felt sad when he cried with her on the phone. Recently we tried again to go for counseling (this time with a spiritual counselor), but nothing changed. I’m really fed up with this man’s behavior. The worst part of all of this is that our problems emotionally affected me to the point that it took my health away…and still he doesn’t get it!
I’m trying to find some peace (in addition to reading books about the topic, including the Bible). I’m just asking God to please help me to deal with my daughter’s feelings and send this man to walk in a direction different than mine.
I’ve already tried everything that I could, to find a solution to my life, but nothing has happened. I feel like my heart is pinched between my daughter’s feelings, and my husband feelings, and it’s very hurtful, since my feelings for him have changed. If you think that there is something that has not been done, please pray!
(ZAMBIA) Hello, Gloria. I know exactly what you are going through. But please don’t give up hope. I was in the same boat, and as for me, I ended up having solace from a male friend which almost developed into a physical affair. As luck would have it, this lady called Anne, from Canada, advised me to read comments from https://marriagemissions.com/Power of a praying wife. Also I got advice from LT, Cindy Wright and a lot of praying wives.
I read through and I have been praying for my husband who could not compliment or pay attention to me. But I am seeing some change in him. There are a lot of women trying to make their marriages work by praying for their spouses. It is not an easy road, but God will make a way for you. Trust him.
(USA) Oh my, Gloria, I think we must be experiencing the same marriage! My marriage has been marked by nothing but the cold, heartless behavior you have described. My husband will literally go for weeks without speaking a word to me, and then suddenly expect sex. This type of behavior is so cruel, and I resent him, even though I try so hard not to. I pray that his behavior will change, but it seems that even when I see a slight improvement, pretty soon, he is back to his old ways. I do everything I can to be a godly wife, but it makes no difference to him. He controls me totally –he earns excellent money, but allows me access to none of it, even for necessities. My only joy is my faith in the Lord, and my children.
(USA) Please pray for my husband to be convicted of how he has been with me, and that he will leave the legalistic and sexist church that advises him to NOT pursue me.
(US) He must be Southern Baptist!!!!
(USA) I have been married less than a year and half and am already separated from my spouse who is a minister. I am a new Christian, 2 years to date. While trying to understand these trials I am going through, I am believing in the scripture "testing of your faith worketh patience". I have really sacrificed my emotions and finances but my husband seems detached emotionally and ungrateful. I often desire his support but I feel rejected and unappreciated and not cherished. When I try and tell him how I feel he gets upset with me and constantly accuses me of saying things like his first wife or doing something like his first wife did, along with his insults and ridicule.
I will ask him what I am doing or saying but I never get a response except I don’t want to talk about it right now, or my head hurts; I am too tried. I have even gotten so frustrated that I hit him. He told me how he can’t trust me then left me without trying to figure out the problem on top of leaving me with all the bills. This is the second time he has left for minor things with a lot of responsibility for me to figure out. Now my credit is going bad, my heart is broken and I am left with confusion.
I have completely bent over backwards asking for forgiveness but he constantly goes back to past experiences. I am ready to move forward and enjoy marriage the way it should be but it seems he is in some sort of bondage that he chooses not to face. He would rather blame me than confront the issues. I fasted weekly, pray constantly and anointed my apartment but it feels like I am still under attack. My husband went all the way to Atlanta so we can’t try and mend anything, and I don’t feel as though I deserve his treatment. I am seeking spiritual counseling as we speak to make sure I am not missing anything that I am doing wrong or to correct want I am not doing. When I read the inserts, women are confessing the same type of problems from men. Why can’t they see what they are doing to the woman and their homes? Lord, help the men of this world!
(UNITED STATES) Hi, my husband stopped paying the mortgage then he left me. Now he won’t even talk to me. When I called him he asked me what do I want him to tell me. I called to ask him if he wants a divorce. He never says anything. Our home is in foreclosure. We are both trying to save it, but I am confused. Does he still want the marriage or is he buying time to get his stuff in order so I won’t come after his assets?
(USA) I am now married for six years, but lately our relationship collapsed a bit because of my husband cheating. What should I do? My husband often had lies when he communicates with her. Will he change?
(USA) What you experienced today is very similar to what I was experiencing. But during these two days we did not communicate, because every time I call or sms he never answered or returned. I am confused by my situation as well, especially since I do not have a family here. All my family is overseas. I’m just here with my daughter. Dear, please advise. Thanks
(US) Sounds like a controller for his own welfare. What happened? Curious.
(USA) Thanks God for this site where I can identify my feelings toward my husband to other wives. I ask God for the courage to do what’s right for my children, myself and even him.
(USA) I have been married for almost ten years in October. I have been yelling at the kids and at her and she has asked me more than once to go get help. I do it for a couple times and feel I don’t need it anymore so I stop going. She says she hasn’t been happy for years now. She has given me chances at trying to fix me. Then she says she loves me, is in love with me and is attracted to me and I’m the same to her. She is the love of my love I want to spend the rest of it with her and the 3 kids we have. But the only thing is she told me I need to leave and give her space to figure this out cuz she doesn’t think it’s gonna change that it will go back like it was.
I got dianosed with a depression order and am going to counseling and want to keep going for me and then my family, to be together. She says she can’t live like this anymore but I can’t seem to give her the space she needs. I’m pushing her away. I don’t want that at all. I want our marriage to work. So does anyone have any really good advice on what and how I should go about this? I’m trying my hardest. Thanks.
(FIJI) I have read the article and all the comments after and relate with all the women sharing on this page. I have now been married for 7 years and have children. I blame this silent attitude to how our Society raises its boys into men. In our culture they are little Princes and become Kings when they get married!!!
Problems are to be dealt with the States man … guess who that is… the wife!!! They would suddenly have selective hearing, and not really listen to what you were telling them!!! Or they would spend more time with their friends, but you know something was bothering him … then you get angry and frustrated coz you are coping with his brooding, the dinner, the kids, work and homework (kids) and trying to plan for tomorrow!!!
I guess I was lucky God provided me with a better job and literally planted me where my mum is there to help me out!!! Every day I thank the Lord Almighty for her life… If it weren’t for her giving me advice and showing me that God and love needs to be the centre of any family, I would have been a single mum by now!!! Especially with my short temper and impatience!!!
(UNITED KINGDOM) I had been married 26 years, having met 10 years earlier. My husband started his affair 4 yrs ago. I found out 3 yrs back only, 2 of which we stayed together with him living a double life and lying about it when caught. I finally took a stand and kicked him out.
He got moved to work in Dubai, but decided on a complete silent treatment with me. We have 2 sons 21 and 16. He contacts them barely once a week and refuses to bring me up acting as if I ceased to exist. He comes to London and avoids me totally, staying in a hotel.
His girlfriend lives in Paris and is half his age, totally uneducated. When I email him for finances, he responds quickly and generously but does not want to face me. Am I to assume he is waiting for me to be fed up and initiate the divorce procedures? His lack of interest tells me he hates me, yet what stops him from divorcing from Dubai?
(USA) How sad to read all of these stories where the women blame the men. For once, I would like to hear someone admit that their marital problems might– just might have something to do with them also. There are two persons in a marriage. I am married to a woman who is emotionally distant. I feel like our emotional roles are reversed. For some years, I have noticed her growing distant from me. I tried several times to communicate with her about it, but she always gets angry and tells me I am blaming her. So, I stepped back and thought maybe she is right and then I try to be sweet to her. I bought her jewelry, pretty things and I even occasionally write her a poem. She speaks words that seem grateful but nothing changes in her emotional distance from me.
I have become convinced that she is no longer interested in me in the way that I want to be interested in her. It has taken me a long time to finally realize this. Words are words and deeds are deeds. She tells me she loves me and wants to work on our marriage, but after a week or so, she is emotionally distant from me again. I feel very vulnerable because, as a man, it has taken a lot for me to put my emotions on the line. I feel as if she has no respect for me and I fear that our marriage will end in divorce. I am so sad about it. I will try again to give her unconditional love. I may even succeed. I do not feel that she cares to do the same for me and that crushes me inside. I love her so much. Unrequited love is a tough thing to come to terms with. I will continue to pray.
And you thought you had problems. :-
(MALAWI) Bill, I was so happy to read your note. But I want to find out, did you ever ask her why she is acting like that? It could be she complained and maybe the complaint has been taken for granted. It could be she complained repeatedly and the compalint was taken for granted and now she gave. But let me congratulate you. You are a man of God, if according to your note you’ve been patient waiting for her to change and never resorted to flirting. May the good Lord bless you and let him change your wife for your sake. Jessie
(USA) My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and lived together for one year now. Why won’t he talk to me? I am tired of trying to guess what I’ve done wrong and I am crying all the time. I’m in front of him on my knees begging him to talk to me… tell me what’s wrong… why he’s so distant… and nothing. He HAS to see how much I’m hurting but he doesn’t seem to care. Yet he cares to ask if I’m coming to bed… or why I was up so late… I don’t understand.
He sleeps as far to the other side of the bed as he can when I get in… yet in the morning he seems to think all is ok. He kisses my cheek and says have a nice day when he leaves for work and tells me he loves me. Then the day goes the exact same way again. When do I give up? How much longer do I keep thinking he’s gonna talk? This has been going on for more than a week now???
(USA) Cara, I am having the same issues with my husband it seems. We have been together for four years and have been married for almost one. We fight over things like finances. He has the “I could die tomorrow” philosophy and I believes that planning for the future is smart. We have a baby boy on the way and my husband won’t even help me save up some money for him. It hurts me so much! I had over $1000 and he has basically blown it all!
Anyways, our cases are similar because I have cried and cried about these things, begging and pleading with him and it just doesn’t seem to work! He says that he will try to help save some money, he’s helpful for about a day and then things go right back to the way they were! He should be able to see how much this is hurting me but he won’t do anything different.
All the while, he’s concerned about me coming to bed, he acts very sweet, and he kisses me goodbye, just like your boyfriend. It’s like he cares but he doesn’t. It’s so confusing! I just can’t figure out why none of my wants or needs sink in with him. I know I can’t expect him to change. He keeps saying “you just keep saying the same thing over and over again!” And I’ve said to him “maybe that’s because I’m hoping you’ll listen this time!” I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. If you get any good answers please forward them to me. If anyone else can help, I’d love to hear your opinions.
(USA) What you are doing wrong is to expect that he has the same values as you do. Neither of your are listening to one another. You are talking and expecting him to see the wisdom of your view. He’s talking and expecting you to see the wisdom of his view.
As long as you are trying to change one another, you’ll never get anywhere. By trying to convince him, you are sending the message that you are not listening.
Instead of trying to tell him your way is better, wiser, etc, why not find a way that BOTH you and he can endorse? It’s not about which one of you is right. The answer is can you find a solution that both of you embrace? As long as he’s not satisfied he’s not going to want to save. As long as you are not satisfied, you are not going to want to spend. You have to find a way to accommodate both.
So stop framing it in terms of my way is better, his way is unwise and frame it in terms of, my husband likes to live for today, and I like to put something aside for the future, and we have to find a way to do BOTH.
I hope this helps Cara. Negotiate on the going to bed, give in if he talks to you about general stuff. For half an hr every day you will go to bed with him. Make sure you are financially stable and secure, just in case. More importantly, he is having trouble communicating with you so go see a relationship couselor now if he wants to continue.
This is one thing I wish I would have done before we became more serious. A male counselor is recommended. He will be more open to a male if you get him to one. That’s the hard part. Another thing is males due to our culture and etc, can’t handle crying. never cry in front of or near them, this will just aggravate and stress them. They handle their emotions differently. I see the things you are going through as I did. It’s hard and we all go through them. Make sure he knows what you can and cannot live with and stick by those.
(US) My husband and I have been married (childless) for 4 years. He was in prison for 20 months of that. After all we’ve been through (I cheated on him while he was locked up, he cheated on me after he got home), I can’t talk to him anymore. It just seems there’s nothing left to say, nothing to talk about.
I had badgered him at the beginning of our marriage to open up about his feelings and talk to me, which eventually he has done. Well, according to him he "tried to do it." He tells me whenever he talks about problems he’s having, in the marriage or otherwise, I get defensive, or take things personal, or tell him he shouldn’t feel that way.
So now if and when he opens up, I sit silently and nod at the appropriate times (listening, of course!) or tell him “I understand how you could feel that way.” But now, he thinks I’m ignoring him! He doesn’t even want to talk because I have nothing to say in return! So, I guess I’m just not saying the right things? I find it hard to get into a discussion with him, I just don’t know what he expects of my half of the discussion. I need suggestions. I know my behavior is harming my marriage. I just get so tongue-tied when I’m supposed to be open and supportive!
(USA) I think I’m having a similar issue here as well. My husband tells me all the time that he wishes I would express myself more. It seems every time I do try to express myself, however, he gets angry! Does he want to hear what I have to say or not? Then when I say to him, “well, you wanted me to express myself,” he just sits there completely silent. So, I can kind of relate to the whole I’m-not-going-to-even-bother-talking-to-you-if-you’re-just-going-to-sit-there-completely-quiet-thing.
What I would really appreciate (and maybe you already do this) is, once I’ve paused for 5-10 seconds, tell me what you think about what I just said. Small phrases that don’t nag and aren’t really argumentative, just express opinions or ask questions, could be something like “I can understand where you’re coming from,” “why do you feel that way?,” “I’m not sure I agree with that,” “what do you think we could do differently?” I think inserting a few honest phrases and questions really helps to show you’re listening. Just make sure he has finished his sentence first. Hope that helps some!
(USA) My fiance and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We’ve been engaged for 6 weeks. After the first 9 months of dating, we decided to move in together. Knowing that I am a Christian woman, he promised that we would be engaged in a couple of months. So we picked a house and moved in together. Wrong move!
During the year that I lived with him he grew emotionally cold and unresponsive to me. He used work as an excuse to be out of the house. Obviously we did not get engaged. I moved back into my house (that God I didn’t sell it). My moving out was prompted by his belief that we were no good together. Mind you, he is fully capable of expressing negative comments but would never say anything positive. I personally agreed and tried to move on with my life until he started pursuing me again. He became everything that I wanted. He would beg me to come back to him promising that he had changed and that he wanted to marry me. I was smart this time and didn’t move back in. I did spend a lot of time at his house though.
Finally, on Valentine’s Day he asked me to marry him, if that’s what you want to call it. He didn’t get down on one knee and pop the question. He simply alluded to it by asking me if I would wear his ring. After I asked him why, he finally said that he wanted me to be his wife. I was happy but during the next five weeks he would get upset anytime I would try to talk to him about communication and the value I placed on it. He would simply respond, "some things I just don’t care about" and called what he considered "my issues" bull–. He said that my "complaints" were making it hard for him to be excited about our future together.
Last week we had a disagreement over what I considered his insensitivity toward me. He reluctantly said that he would work on it but remained distant and cold all weekend. I went out of town that weekend to give him space. Finally, last Sunday night everything fell apart. I was at his house and found out he had been watching porno flicks (he left one in the DVD player). This bothered me because he had been so emotionally distant from me.
He came home from work and I was at his house. Please understand that I informed him that I would be there when he arrived. He got in bed and made sure that he kept distance between us. I was already asleep and was awakened by him getting into bed. He wasn’t even going to speak to me had I not woken up. He was obviously not happy to see me after I had been out of town all weekend. I told him that I thought he was a mean a-hole to which he responded that I no longer made him happy. After probing, he finally tried to clean it up by saying that I wasn’t making him happy right then.
I gathered my things and left. I contacted him the next day and left him a voice message telling him that I was tired of the way he’d been treating me and that I wasn’t going to accept his insensitivity anymore. I told him that we have definite communication issues and we needed help. I told him to contact me when he wanted to talk about it but that I would not wait forever for him. I have not talked to him since (5 days ago).
My family is telling me to move on- he’s not worth it -that I deserve better. I have not even attempted to call him since. I’m always the one to do the patch job. Is this normal behavior for a man who 6 weeks ago wanted me to be his wife? I can’t take or understand this isolation. Am I wrong for believing that we should be able to communicate without him constantly feeling as if I’m attacking him? Should I take this as a sign from God that he’s not the one?
(USA) Wow, your boyfriend/fiancee really has troubles expressing himself it seems. Telling you that your opinions or problems are “making it hard for him to get excited about your future together” is an AWFUL thing for him to say! He obviously has problems as well because he’s watching porn. Women who are with men who watch porn feel completely inadequate (most of the time). Some men have addictions to it so you really can’t blame yourself but trust me, I have definitely been there done that on this one. It’s possible that he feels slightly guilty and is blaming his problems on you makes it easier for him to deal with. I don’t know. This sounds like a very difficult situation.
(USA) It is important for every woman to understand that as long as you try and make your husband God, he will continue to disappoint you. All the comments left are focusing on the spouse instead of God and self. Don’t pray for God to change your husband until you have first prayed for God to change you. We sometimes go through things because God is trying to move a distraction from our lives.