There was no hope in his eyes as he faced me. “She walked out on me,” he said. “She just called me at work one day and said, ‘I’ve had it. I’m leaving.'” He tried to control the tremor around his mouth. “I realize now that much of it was my fault. I guess she tried to talk to me before this. …”
As I listened, I realized the truth of what he’d said. She had tried to tell him. When their son was born, she hadn’t wanted to go back to work immediately. But he pressured her, telling her that they needed her income. She nagged some and later grew severely depressed. But he didn’t think her depression had anything to do with him or with being away from their son.
She Tried to Talk
Actually, that wife had pushed every button she had available to make him listen to her pain and anger. But he was oblivious to her inner cries. He worked two jobs so he wasn’t home much. But more importantly, even when he was home, he failed her emotionally.
Somewhere in time, she decided that the pain of divorce was more bearable than the hurt of being in the same house when they were emotionally at opposite ends of the earth. So she walked out. What she did wasn’t right, but I can understand it. It was probably a last desperate attempt to get her husband’s attention. She got it, all right, but it came too late.
I wonder how many broken relationships are due to a similar scenario. I wonder how many men are in the process this very moment of distancing their wives by failing to understand their needs. We’re talking about the need to be listened to, to have feelings and emotions validated by their husband’s concentrated attention and understanding.
Men Do Have Emotional Needs
It’s not that men don’t need emotional support and intimacy —they do, of course. I know some men who have as great a need for relating on an emotional, feeling, subjective level as any woman. They are often the counselors, those others turn to when in trouble, the pastor-shepherds. But as my wife Carole and I have listened to couples, we find that in the average marriage, it’s generally a matter of degree. And the women’s need usually seems greater. It is she who most often longs for soul-to-soul communication. She feels like she never quite has that desire met by her spouse. She needs to talk to him and have him talk to her in connective ways.
The following incident appeared in a recent article [in Readers Digest Magazine, “Why Husbands Won’t Talk”].
They wrote:
Judy, an artist, was worried about preparations for an exhibition. She started to talk to Cliff, her husband that she wanted his support and sympathy.
Instead, Cliff fired off instructions: “One, get all the artists together. Two, call your accountant—the expenses may be deductible. Three, check with the bank to see how much money you have. Four, contact the P.R. people.”
Judy felt rejected, and thought to herself: “Cliff doesn’t care how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.”
Cliff believed he was being supportive. He had given her his best advice. But Judy was seeking emotional rapport, not problem solving.
Can You Relate?
Carole and I can relate to that! I have had to work on intimacy in communication all of our married life. It probably has to do with me being that logical, factual, objective kind of guy. I have to admit that by nature, I am a concealer of my feelings. In fact, if one side of a scale represented the ability to express feelings and the other side represented the need to conceal those feelings, Carole and I would probably balance the scales pretty well.
According to most marriage counselors, concealment is more often a trait in men, and it stems from various factors such as background, cultural expectations, perceptions of manliness, and personality. This tendency to conceal has drastic implications. James Collier says that most men think it unmanly even to admit that they have a problem —much less request aid.
He wrote:
Men in America feel that they ought to be able to deal with anything that comes along. They feel it’s an admission of failure if they’re having trouble. Some men would rather fail at their marriage or with their children than admit that something is wrong and seek a solution.
… Says marriage specialist Goldstein: “Men aren’t supposed to have sensitive, warm feelings or feelings of tenderness for the people around them—much less express them.” It is like the story of the old Vermont farmer 40 years married, who said, “I love Sarah Jane so much that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from telling her.”
Communication patters: Spell them d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.
• They’re different in the number of and reasons to talk and ask questions.
A revealer is often full of questions and sees them as a way to maintain a conversation. They think, “If I don’t ask the other person won’t know that I care.” Questions represent intimacy and caring. But not to a concealer! Now questions can represent meddling. The concealer may be thinking, “Oh, no, you don’t! You can’t pry that information out of me. If I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you —without all your questions.”
• They’re different, too, in the nature of responses to communication.
A revealer may use encouraging sounds such as “uh-huh” and “hmmm” to encourage the other person. Then they feel ignored because the concealer utters so few of these acknowledging sounds. When I listen silently, Carole sometimes asks, “Honey, are you there?”
• They’re different in the use of what some call “oneness” words such as you and we.
A revealer may use many more of such words, as well as conversational bridges such as “Please go on —would you give me another example? …”
Can you identify yourself? As I’ve said, I tend to be the concealer, and —being logical as well —I have to say that often, logical men have logical reasons for concealment! I read of a group of men who were asked their reasons for not talking. Several of them gave fairly logical reason, such as simply not being in a talkative mood, or being tired and not wanting to expend energy talking, even wanting to protect the wife when she was tired and agitated and her emotional tank was near “empty.”
But others in the group answered in ways that indicated their concealment should not be accepted at face value. Listen to these reasons some men gave:
(1) Silence helps me avoid differences of opinion when we talk.
I grew up in a family that rarely expressed strong feelings. So talking is tough, especially when I know what I have to say isn’t what my wife wants to hear.
(2) Silence protects me when I don’t want to talk.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk to my wife about certain things because I’m afraid she will use them against me.
(3) Silence maintains a balance of attachment and freedom that feels comfortable in our relationship.
Sometimes I need closeness, but other times I need distance. I’m most content with our marriage when there’s a natural ebb and flow in our interaction.
(4) Silence precludes heated explosions.
If I don’t shoot off words, I’m less likely to catch crossfire or have to pick up debris when the battle ceases.
(5) When something is bothering me, I don’t talk because my wife tends to overreact and make matters worse.
The last thing I want is someone bouncing off the walls in anger or else sniveling about it.
Did you notice a similarity in these five reasons for silence? It would appear that most of these reasons are based on self protection or comfort, not on the intimacy of the marriage or the needs of the wife.
Now of course there are times when silence is good. But to constantly conceal our feelings is bound to stifle the intimacy and closeness that our marriages demand (and most wives need) in order for us to become truly one.
One counselor puts it this way: Wives think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” Husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”
So we’re different. So one of us doesn’t talk much about feelings, and the other shares freely. Can anything be done?
Different Need to Talk About Feelings
Family counselor Norm Wright says:
A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an un-expressive male. Becoming fatalistic is not the answer, and I’m not talking about divorcing him either. Don’t listen if someone tells you “Don’t be so concerned about men not expressing their feelings. That’s just the way they are!” Men may tend to be that way, but they can change. Challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations can work.
Men do respond initially to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it. He can tell her how he did at events or school when he was growing up easier than how he feels about what he did. But starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.
But the revealer must be cautioned:
Mr. Wright also says that a man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is discounted. It is shared with others, disbelieved, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. Remember: safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge from his castle. He wants what he shares to be used for his welfare, not against him. Trust is a major issue.
This article comes from the book, Opposites Attack, by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It was originally published by NavPress (no longer being published). This book is aimed at turning your differences into opportunities and helping polar opposites turn into the best of friends. As they often say, “different doesn’t mean wrong —it just means different in the way you approach life. This is such a practical book and really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other.
The Silent Treatment Can Go Both Ways
Before closing this article we want to acknowledge that silent treatments can go both ways. Sometimes it is the husband who is silent, and other times it is the wife. The reasons are many, as to why they choose to be verbally non-communicative. (Sometimes it is because of abusive situations, immaturity, taking a time out, or just not knowing a better way to handle a situation. There are other reasons, as well.) But one thing for sure, prolonged silence, or misused silence can block healthy communication from happening.
To give further insights into how to deal with the “silent treatment” and how to resist giving it when it’s not a healthy thing to do, here are a few additional articles you can read:
- When Couples Give the Silent Treatment
- 5 Steps to Take if Your Spouse Gives you the Silent Treatment
Lastly:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article. If you have a tip that can help others, please join the discussion below. We would be most grateful.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
(USA) My wife walked out on me 6 months ago and things are still as if she were here. Except for some clothing, the house is as it was the day she left. She is very accountable about the finances and contributes accordingly. There is third party involved and he is a known alcoholic. He has been through rehab twice and is still drinking. Although he has told her that he is going to quit drinking I have to believe that he says things SHE wants to hear and she is falling in to his trap. Is this a midlife crisis? Possibly.
This man is also married and is a financial disaster. His home is in foreclosure and he has 2 teenage children at home in which he is going to be hit hard with child support and alimony. I can’t help but believe that he is using her for support of his habits. The problem I have is that my wife doesn’t act like someone who wants a divorce. She has not met with or sought legal council or filed. What a mess. My patience and commitment to the woman I love is extremely strong. Till a judge says it’s final I will remain committed. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) Marriage is often an avenue for people to work out their family of origin issues. I think that the best solution is to attempt to develop yourself fully before entering into a union with another damaged person. Take 100% responsibility for your own life and your happiness and expect your partner to do the same. That is called being an adult.
(USA) That is wisdom!
(USA) Apart from cases when husbands have been unfaithful or have been abusive, I think there is a way out ladies and it’s time to help each other out. I must say, reading articles and trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex is quite useful.
I refer you to an article on this site: https://marriagemissions.com/understanding-the-differences-between-men-and-women/. This is just one of many articles that have changed my views and the way I relate to my husband. We are different but complimentary –that’s how God designed it. I believe we should embrace these differences because they are for the good of the rest of the family.
Accepting our spouses is a demonstration of unconditional love and a willingness to come to their level and have empathy in areas of life that they are not best suited. Ladies, it’s a fact of life that man are more activity oriented and they believe in achievements by action and they may not find any use in talking over issues. Lets not take the situation negatively because the problem will never go away but it escalates.
My suggestions will be to actively participate in our husbands’ way of life. I know some may say men should equally participate in our interests. It comes back to the fact that us women are the ones who really value bonding the most and are badly affected when it doesn’t happen. We should therefore be proactive. If watching football the whole 3 hrs keeps you holdings hands -let it be. Before you know it you will be good buddies.
Men like sports, so it’s a good idea to learn sports. They like to work so it’s a good idea to show some interest in their meeting outcomes etc. They like to listen to the news so lets get the latest updates for them. Once you become involved in the things that take 80% of their “free time” you will be the best buddies and you will probably end up genuinely enjoying the same things. The basic Bible principles say we reap what we sow and we should “do unto others what you want them to do for you” by putting their interests first. One of us has to be willing to give in in order to get the relationship going for he better.
I know most men are not really touchy people but there is nothing wrong with taking the initiative to kiss, hug or hold hands etc. Before you know it your husband will get used to it and it becomes a norm in your household. Lastly, please don’t take rejection to heart for it spoils everything and it demotivates you.
Lets not give up but help each other for we are in the same boat.
(UNITED STATES) I know how you guys feel and I’m not even married. My name is Jamie and I live in Michigan, USA. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years now and we have had our hard times and our good times. As to say it right now we are at an all time low and I don’t know how it happened. We went on vacation in July and it was amazing we had so much fun I just could’t get enough of it all. After we got home it was so weird it was like he was a completely different person. He was angry all the time and we have had I think three major fights since then and it’s September now. Our last fight has me so unsure it started like this.
Tuesday is Nick’s friends bar night, they all work together. He called me to come get him and it was early so it was more like he invited me out to drink with the guys. I was excited so I got ready and drove over. As soon as I got there I brought a stray chair over and tapped his shoulder to let him know I made it. He barely noticed me, as the night progressed his friends and the lady behind the bar were picking on him for not being around for two months so I desided to joke as well and said, “No he’s been busy working on his car since September of 2008.”
I was not trying to be mean I just wanted to be a part of the group. He became very angry and told his friend we would not be coming over and we all left. When we were driving home he became very loud and told me “Thanks for talking —- about me to everyone.” I told him I was only trying to joke with the guys since I felt left out.
It got worse once we got home. I had bug bombed the house that day and all the pets were outside and needed to be brought in. There was a cage of lizards, two cats, their food and water and the litter box all needing to come inside. I went and grabbed the lizards and was on my way back out for the cats when he was coming inside, “Are you going to help me with the cats?” I asked and he got snottier after that. He grabbed our kitten and left me to grab the other cat the food and water dish and the litter box. I told him I didn’t want to fight and told him I was sorry I hurt his feelings.
He continued to be mad through most the night not really talking or doing anything just sitting and watching a movie and not really talking to me. Then he went to bed. When I woke up the next morning he was gone, he woke up, showered, and called someone to take him to work. He wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and then came home, grabs some clothes and left to go to his friends house for who knows how long. I don’t know what happened. I know it was more than just the bar incident but he won’t talk to me. I love him and don’t want to lose him. But what can I do?
(USA) Hi Jamie, I am glad you came to this site even though you are not married. It covers premarriage messages, newlyweds and many other things related to courtship. You need this and it will be a good starting point for you.
From what you said, you did nothing wrong. That means it’s time for you to turn to God (that’s what took you to this site). I understand you are already living with your boyfriend and I am afraid, as you may know, it’s wrong. Please go to the “Preparing for Marriage” link. I think it will renew you and it will give you the perspective of things that pleases God. It will help you start over.
(USA) Hm… Wow, there are a lot of women out there with these problems. My husband says he loves me, but refuses to share his deep feelings for me (if he has them). Not sure what to think, and miss communication, and need it. …May leave him. He is responsible with paying bills, and we have some crazy step family dynamics that I won’t even get into. Yikes… I come from a family of communicators, and don’t think I can take this any more.
(USA) Hello, my husband and I are almost to our one year anniversary, only he has been gone for 8 months in the Army. I have just come to the point in the last week that I feel as though our marriage is falling apart. Everything in this article has described him. I even giggled a little at the resemblance. I am sad, lonely, and need some kind of reassurance that we can make it through having to be apart. He won’t give it to me.
He even told my mother in law that my texts are “getting to him.” Mind you, the texts always say how much I support him, and love him, and how proud of him i am. Gee, I am such a terrible wife !?! At any rate, I am trying to hold on until he comes home for Christmas, but I don’t know how much more I can emotionally, and even physically take. I hope there is a happy ending for this situation soon.
(ENGLAND) My husband left me last october 21st 2009. He planned to leave me before I returned home from London and family matters. I came back and his bags were packed. He had used my credit card to pay for the air fare and also took money out of my account for himself. He phoned me the next day from the airport telling me he still wanted to try at the marriage. He wanted me to book tickets for myself and his step son, my son, to spend Christmas with his family in Washington DC. He was crying saying he had not been the best husband.
My husband is American and I am English. We got married in England. I phoned his family house to be told by his father he was sick. I phoned back and his father told me that my husband wanted nothing to do with me, no communication anymore, to severe all links, including my son who is 12.
I was in shock and could not believe what he was saying. He coldly told me that was it and wished me luck.
I am angry and hurt. And I do not know where I stand in the eyes of the law. I am hoping someone on here might be able to give me some advice. Kind Regards, Donna
(USA) For me the roles are somewhat reversed. My wife would always get angry of the smallest of things. She blamed me and my children for all our problems. When I admit to my problems things are better but she never admits to hers or her kids. I moved out 3 months ago to be able to deal with my issues and my kids issues. We go to counseling but it appears that she still doesn’t understand that we both have issues, not just me. It seems that she can’t admit to any of her faults and gets angry whenever I try to discuss them. She confides in everyone but me. Now she ignores most of my callstexts and seems to only talk to me when she wants something. Wives can you tell me what’s going on?
Angela, He may have felt trapped and moved out to sort things (that was truly why I did even though my wife and you and she probably felt abandoned). He may not have realized what you felt when he left. It took me 2 months to do that. If he is helping you save the house then he must still care about you. Find out what he wants for the future. Don’t play games about communicating things to him. Listen to what he says and then calmly tell him what you want. Don’t argue! If he wants to be with you then get counseling and move towards a possitive goal. Now if he doesn’t talk to you, avoids your calls, then I would think there is more going on than he’ll admit. Wow, I think I just answered my question from above. Wives am I right? Angela I am sorry for what you’re going through.
Dana, I can sort of relate to your husband. I have lots of trust and insecurities because of my first marriage. I live in fear of what happened in my first marriage. That was one reason I moved out this time. So I could be secure unlike the first time where my wife had me served with divorce and restraining orders on the same day I got paid, she took my pay and cancelled all our credit cards. I was forced to live in a car for a while. But the sad thing for you is that he moved away. I wanted to go home (several states away) to be around family but didn’t because I wanted to be near my wife.
DanaAngela, If they don’t make an effort then you need to think of yourself and your needs. Protect yourself and your children from a spiraling down further. It takes an effort on both your parts. Tell your husbands that if they can’t make the effort to work through this then you’ll have to move on. You can’t save a marriage if both parts don’t want to save it. And again, I think I answered another one of my questions.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for four years now and we are about to come up on our 5th year in marriage. My husband is a great man and we have a beautiful daughter. However, I feel that my husband doesn’t listen to me on an intimate level. When I try to express how I feel whether it is good or bad it seems like he pushes me out by saying things like “Why don’t you just leave me alone” or “Why are you trying to make me upset?”
I feel that my husband doesn’t know me and I really probably dont know him. Any time we are at home alone there is usually general talk about everything else or dead silence. He also responds to me with short quick responses as though he is irritated with me. I believe that the thing that might be missing is intimate conversation. I’m not asking for it all the time but I do feel that we should be able to have that type of one on one time to catch up on us. Is this too much to ask for from your husband?
(USA) I love my husband very much but I feel like I am on a sinking ship. Every time I need to talk him about important issues he thinks I am attacking him or I have an attitude. What really hurts is the fact that I try hard to self examine and make sure I am being fair and try to put myself in his shoes. We rarely talk about anything, we don’t spend any quality time together and I feel like he only cares about himself. I do 80% of everything, work full time, and I feel abandoned by my husband. I feel like I am to smile, keep my mouth shut, clean, cook, and parent and never bother my husband. I am so confused and hurt. I know I am not perfect but everything can’t be my fault all the time.
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, most of the comments, I have read about needing good, open communication with our husbands, applies to me too. But I realize, that being in such a situation, is slowly killing me (my health is deteriorating) and I have no drive to fix it, while I feel so down all the time. I believe I need to heal myself, then once more address my husband, on the issues, destroying our marriage. BUT I can’t sit and wait for it to just get better, it won’t. He is a good man, but, I am completely lost, as to WHY. I didn’t want to move away, but while I still am around, EVERYTHING IS ALL OK with him. And all I want is him, not just words, they are thrown around so easily, actions are what I need to see. If not, just peace with my soul would be wonderful.
(AUSTRALIA) I have been married to my husband for 3 yrs and together for 6. He slept with someone else when we first started dating, that was the day my heart left. I knew from the moment I saw him I loved him, corny as that is. Obviously for him it was different. He has worked SO hard to make things right, and I can say 100% that I trust him, and that he was young and made a mistake.
But ever since that happened i have treated him terribly, and he has been the same towards me, but only because that’s the way he gets treated. We have children now and have worked so much on our relationship and I’m proud of us for it. We are mostly happy, besides that, since we have been together and I talk to him about things, like my feelings, more kids, fostering kids, important things. He never responds. I can be talking for 20 min and wait for a reply and nothing… what’s this mean? I’d like his input. He can happily talk about bikes and cars and stupid stuff that I could not care less about but when it comes to big things like schools and joint decisions, I’m alone. I have become someone who is shut off now and I don’t even try to talk about my feelings or anything like that as I know I’m alone in it.
I’m sad. I want a partner in life and feel like I have a friend instead of a husband. I’m confused about my feelings and not sure what I should do. I love him, but I can relate better with other people. When we get into big talks about this problem, he gets angry and says I don’t let him talk and so on, and if he does then I shut him down. I don’t think I do this often. Sometimes I do if he says something that I strongly disagree with. I don’t actually know what it would be like to have a conversation about something important with him. I know he loves me, he is a good man, a good dad, but not really a good husband in the emotional side of things. I’m not sure what I should do. I feel like I’m stuck in life and will forever be feeling alone. He says he will try, but he never does, He is too nice for like a week and then bam back to himself. I’m sick of hearing sorry and that he will try. I don’t want to change him, but I resent him for making me change the way I am.
This problem has made me look at other guys and wonder what my life would have been like if only I was with someone else. I want to be treated like a lady not some random. He swears at me all the time and it’s degrading, I do it to him as well, and I try really hard not to and there are times when I do amazing and then he’ll say something degrading to me (he thinks nothing of it) and then I find myself hurt and angry and talking to him like crap. I just want to be happy, respected and listened to. It feels like he blames me and the kids for his life. I love my life other then this problem and can’t understand why he feels the way he does. We are very lucky and live a great life. Please help.
(USA) Amelia, First off, if you want to talk to him, you have to treat what he thinks is important as important. Read what you wrote, you characterize your subjects as important, but call his subjects, “stupid stuff.”
Hello, why would he want to have a conversation if you are so condescending about what he finds interesting? It’s more of what you described earlier, you treat him bad, so he treats you bad. How do you expect him to want to open up to a deep emotional bond when you call his interests, “stupid stuff?”
I’d advise him to continue to guard himself until you can accept that his interests are just as valid and valuable as you considers your own to be. Until you are able to do that, and stop judging his interests as “stupid stuff” and yours as superior, you are NOT an emotionally SAFE spouse.
Have you considered that he tries, but if you keep talking him down, that he loses the energy or the will to continue given your view doesn’t change? You say you treat him well, but do you really? Does a spouse who wants their spouse to treat them well call the others interests “stupid stuff?” Do they claim their spouse is shallow (basically what you are saying) and make contradictory claims.
If I were your husband, I’d probably not know which end is up. You say you are lucky and have a great life, but seem to think if your husband would just fix himself, that things would be better. Take control of what you can control and that is be someone with whom your husband would enjoy being open. If you want a spouse who talks, you have to be a spouse who listens and VALUES what they say. That means you cannot dismiss it, you cannot call it stupid, you have to find value and interest in what he says.
If you are not willing to do that, then how open are you? You may be open to YOUR interests, but that’s not really open. Open is being open to your spouses interests, and frankly, from what you’ve written, you are just as closed to your husband as you claim he is to you. So what are you going to do to be open yourself? Since you are the one here and he’s not, it starts with you.
(AUSTRALIA) Thank you for your advice. Some of it is actually really good to hear. I think the “stupid stuff” might have been put wrong. I used to be really interested in his things, I’d travel with him, go shopping and end up looking at things for him; I was very involved with his interests, I really was. But then I joined a hobby and he didn’t show any intrest in what I was doing and I felt hurt. I had put so much into his, and he wouldn’t even ask questions about mine. Since then I gave mine up so we only had to focus on his. I’m resentful and hurt, and i know that by feeling that I’m not giving him my all and I’m not interested in his things.
When I say important stuff, I’m talking about, bills, family, kids and those type of things. I need help with that and he should have a say, which I would LOVE for him to have one. But he doesn’t even try to say anything. Some things you have said hurt, but I think I needed to hear it. Thank you again.
(USA) Maybe it’s put wrong, maybe it’s not. Since it came across that way to me, consider that he may take it the same way. It’s more than just, “I didn’t mean that.” If he takes it that way, and the clues are there that he does, then what are you going to do to address that? What are the clues? I’ll quote from what you wrote, “When we get into big talks about this problem, he gets angry and says I don’t let him talk and so on, and if he does then I shut him down.”
What did you say to that? “I don’t think I do this often. Sometimes I do if he says something that I strongly disagree with.”
So in your own description, you demonstrate that you DO dismiss him, but then justify it. Why would he want to have a conversation with you? You’ve already decided what the outcome should be. You’ve already decided what is right, or important, or the way things should be. You are just looking for him to agree with you. That’s not a conversation of equals, it’s condescending.
Do you want me to say that you shouldn’t be hurt by what I’ve said? Because that would be in the same pattern as what you do. So I suggest you consider that what you say to your husband hurts him in a similar fashion to how you feel about what I’ve said.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Hello, my name is Diane. 15 months ago I left my husband as I now think I was going through a mid life crisis. After losing weight and feeling good about myself, we moved areas of which were very stressful for both. I was still not content. We split but reunited after 6 weeks but 10 months later I walked out fed up with the shouting etc. My husband was a little violent but never to point of hurting me, but mentally he did.
After leaving he found out that I had 2 affairs, one of which was with a younger man of which his dad was a very good friend of my husband’s. My husband was taken to court for assault and charged probation for 2 yrs and had to attend counseling for 6 months (which has ended now). After six months apart I tried to tell him I still loved him and was sorry and wanted us to get back together.
Since then, for the past 9 months now, I have been suffering the grief of my loss. I have kept my distance and communication to 6 contacts in the past 6 months and have only seem him once in that time. He is with another partner now but is not happy. He took her in when her marriage fell apart. I meet her husband after I left mine and he felt sorry for her and she has not left since. It’s just a relationship of convience and company, friends say he’s not happy. He said he would have taken me back if I had just been with the first man but cannot take me back after being with his friend’s son.
Every time he sees him he gets mad. He has no life left in him. Our 2 sons don’t talk to me now either. I know he still loves me and is so unhappy the way things have turned out but he has called me terrible names and now I don’t think he can live with himself for doing so. He regrets a lot now as it has turned the kids away from me and that hurts him but it was his doing. I love him so much and want us to get back together. It is 15 months now; he won’t even answer my calls to meet and talk. I know he would do anything for us to get back together but it’s his pride. Others say he has given up on life and would rather stay like that than admit he loves me and would have me back. I would say that is stopping him from doing so. He feels that with less contact he can get through each day. How do I make him see that I am truly sorry and love him more than ever and would do anything for us to try again?
(USA) So let’s see here, you abused and hurt your husband by leaving and having affairs. Yet you tell us mostly about your suffering. How do you make him see that you are truly sorry. By focusing on how much you’ve hurt him and less on the suffering you are going through right now.
You may simply have to respect that he will be unable to take you back after your relationships with these men. It may be the price that you have to pay. However, if anything is going to work, it will be for you to really apologize. That is, an apology with no “buts” in it.
Such as, “Hubby, what I did was hurtful and wrong. I sinned against both you and God, and I’m sorry I put you through such pain and suffering. If there was anything I could do to undo what I did and repay you for the pain and suffering I’ve caused you, I would do. I pledge to never hurt you like this ever again, and I offer my apology and repentance for my shameful, hurtful and destructive acts. Will you forgive me?”
And leave it in his court. Don’t speak about your pain, don’t speak about yourself. This isn’t about you. It’s about the pain you’ve caused him. If you speak about yourself, it will look like selfish justification.
He may accept it, he may not. He may forgive you and still divorce you. That is the price one pays if they betray their spouse. If that’s his choice, respect it as a logical consequence of your actions.
(USA) I don’t know how things are in the UK, but in the US…YOU would be the one taken to court because adultery is illegal! I think you haven’t really realized just how much you have hurt your husband. Even if he “found out about the affairs afterwards,” chances are he already had his suspicions and was already hurting. I agree with Tony, this may be your consequence for what you have done to him. I don’t believe that any of your husband’s actions are really wrong. Your only hope is to truly acknowledge what you’ve done by sincerely apologizing and asking for God and your husband to forgive you. You can’t blame this on him at all. Not unless he was “abusive” before you even showed signs of adulterous thoughts. If that’s the case, then perhaps his abuse led you to feel less guilty about committing adultery.
(USA) Adultery “MAY” be illegal in some states, but it will seldom if ever, close enough to never be prosecuted in the US. Most states have “no-fault” divorce, so any stigma regarding adultery is long gone here.
(UK) Oh my god. Me and my boyfriend of 3 years have been having serious problems for the last 6 months(shortly after moving in together) or so I thought. I express my love by talking and asking questions. When I was recieving blunt monosalbic answers, instead of taking the hint and leaving it I would press on with further questions. I thought we were drifting apart. I have been left reeling, devestaed and unloved. The more questions I asked, the more I pryed and the more I tried to analise our relationship and fix it the more it went down hill.
After reading this article and questioning my guy discretely (last time I promise!) it turns out he feels I am destroying the relationship with too much talk and that I should just feel he loves me; I don’t need to be told constantly. And in hindsight there is nothing missing. He cooks cleans, hugs me all night, still initiates contact, interacts well with my family and is a good stand-up guy. He just doesnt want to discuss every last feeling. This has totally saved me from being lonely and I clearly have a major insecurity issue I now have to tackle. But thats cool. So thanks loads.
(US) I have been married for thirty nine years. My husband and I had a small argument on May 1st, he told me I can do what I want because he is sick of it. I said sick of what? I was stunned. He has not said a word to me since. I have tried to talk to him, I have sent him lovely texts, but he hasn’t replied. He ignored my birthday. I am so scared, I don’t know what to do. I pray and cry all day. He heard me crying last night but just ignored me. I’m devastated, he hides his keys and phone and has mints on the passenger seat every day. I can’t leave him. I have no money. I’m so lonely.