After your spouse has been deceased for a period of time, you may think about the possibility of remarriage. In practically every interview we conducted with widows and widowers, remarriage was a common topic of conversation.
…This [article] is designed to give helpful information to you who are presently planning a remarriage. Or it may be something you are open to in the future. If you ever think of remarrying, read this material carefully. Even if you feel it is God’ will to follow this goal, there are numerous practical aspects to keep in mind.
Surround yourself scripture and prayer.
Whatever you do, be sure you’re guided by the Scriptures in your pursuits. Surround yourself with prayer to help you follow God’s will. We believe that God is Master of every facet of life. If you believe in his Word, every major step you take —including remarriage —will be directed by him.
As part of the research for writing this [article], we interviewed survivors who have married so we could list criteria to consider before remarrying. Examine each item carefully. If you have difficulty resolving any of the questions posed, you need to examine your reasons for remarriage and your overall goals. The questions below are not listed in any order of importance. Each question is vital to the success of your new marriage.
How long should you wait before you remarry?
The answer depends on a number of circumstances. Some authorities say that it should be at least a year after the death of your mate before you make any major decision. This certainly includes marriage. If the death of your mate was sudden, the resolution of your grief may be particularly difficult. You may find it best to wait several years before even considering the idea of remarriage. Conversely, if your mate had a lingering illness and you went through a partial process of grief before his or her death, you may be comfortable in remarrying in less than a year. If this is true, the timing of your marriage may be of secondary importance. We are convinced, however, that resolving the answers to the next questions could take several months. It may even take years, for some individuals.
If there are children, how do they feel about your remarrying?
This issue was a serious one for Rita and me. That is because she had four adult children and I had three. At first my children had only a slight acquaintance with Rita. Her children did not know me at all. After studying this question carefully and consulting counselors and trusted friends, we took a path that has been reasonably successful. It has helped us establish a harmonious family relationship. We recommend the following guidelines for your consideration:
1. Introduce your prospective spouse to your children as early as possible.
Much of any initial negative reaction is because the individuals really do not know each other. If possible, let all the children in both families get acquainted before any marriage plans are announced. When you meet the children of your intended, be as natural as possible. Do not try to be someone you are not. They might not accept you completely, but if you show yourself to be a “phony,” they will be even more suspicious. Especially if the children are young, respect them for who they are. Be sensitive to their grief over the loss of the deceased parent. It may still be very painful to them.
Avoid recommendations about child-rearing to your intended at this stage. If his or her children make you uneasy for any major reason, have a serious conversation about your feelings. Even though it may be hard to accept, you will not only become involved with his or her children but other family members as well.
2. The final decision to remarry must be made by both of you.
Although the feelings of adult children regarding your remarrying must be considered, the final decision must be made by both of you for the best interests of all. Some children may be negative toward any relationship you enter. They may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you as a parent. And they may feel neglected if you remarry. A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best.
The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your pastor, a counselor, and trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of persons who are somewhat detached from your situation. They can best give you objective advice about your relationship.
Once you’re comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately. Ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed. They will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situation.
3. Absorbing young children into a new marriage may be a major source of conflict for both of you.
The stepfather’s or stepmother’s role may be demanding and traumatic, when young children are involved. We have observed that a husband and wife may agree on nearly everything except how to raise children, their own or someone else’s! It’s nearly impossible to remain detached from such problems once a couple is united in a remarriage.
Often the family situation is still more challenging when you marry a divorced person and bring a child who has been living with the ex-spouse into your new home. Some children of divorced parents are very troubled. They have a great capacity to spread discord wherever they go. Consider these possibilities seriously before remarrying.
Before you enter into a marriage where young children are involved, it would be advisable to air your concerns with your pastor and/or trusted friends. Don’t let the present grief of your mate’s death cause you to enter into a new marriage that is risky for all involved.
What is the financial status of each of you?
Of all the issues that may imperil a marriage, the subject of money can be the most deadly. The issues below must be studied and resolved before the marriage takes place.
An agreement must be reached if one of you has much more money than the other. There must be a clear understanding of how finances will be divided. There probably would not be a 50-50 split of assets in this circumstance. If this is a potential trouble spot, identify it early in a relationship.
A definite plan must be established with regard to spending money. Decide how much will be spent for yourselves, your children’s needs, recreation, vacations, or eating away from home. If you are planning to establish a joint checking account, there should be a clear understanding about which expenditures will be made from that source. Unless such a decision is reached, there is considerable potential for disagreement and stress.
A program must be agreed on with regard to checking, savings, and various investment accounts. The exact ownership and plans for these accounts should be described in detail in a prenuptial agreement. This is especially true if either of you has children. Normally it is recommended that each of you keep your own name on any savings or investments that were yours before the remarriage. Decide whether the beneficiaries of the accounts will be your new mate or certain children. Sometimes joint checking accounts are established with the understanding that both parties will contribute agreed-on amounts each month. For your mutual protection, property bought jointly after marriage should be stated on the title as “joint tenants with right of survivorship.”
Should you have a prenuptial agreement and new wills?
The establishment of a prenuptial agreement before a second marriage is advisable. This is especially true if there are children involved and either of you have various financial holdings. In the event of a divorce or death of one of you, each mate needs to have a clear understanding of his or her legal rights.
New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other. Also, make sure you formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint heirs. Be sure it is mentioned within your will that a prenuptial agreement has been made. If it does not, there can be considerable heartache for all concerned. Your county’s legal society can recommend local lawyers who specialize in premarital agreements and wills.
Are you sexually compatible?
One of the most important aspects of any marriage is the degree of sexual satisfaction attained by each of you. Your need for sexual gratification probably did not terminate at the death of your mate. There is a lot of research data to show that a majority of healthy persons remain sexually active up to age eighty and beyond.
If you intend to remarry, discuss your degree of sexual interest in this area with your prospective mate. There is potential for a great amount of stress if a person who has previously had an active sex life marries someone who has little interest in sexual intimacy. The same is true if they have different ideas of how to express that intimacy. One of the most authoritative books regarding this matter is Sex over 40 by Saul H. Rosenthal, M.D. Another interesting publication is Common Sense Christianity by Gerald Mann, who devotes an entire chapter to “great Sex for Christians.”
What are your religious beliefs?
Of all the questions cited so far, this one may have the greatest potential for trouble between a couple. Resolve this issue before you pursue a relationship to any great depth. Our studies of this question have led us to some rather firm beliefs about related concerns.
Basic spiritual values:
If persons of any age (especially older) have never been interested in church attendance, tithing, prayer, etc, they may never be. There is a good prospect they won’t embrace all or even some of these aspects just because they marry. We hope that they will change their lives. However, they probably will not.
Evangelism in a marriage:
The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with a nonbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). To disobey this admonition may be an invitation to a stress-filled and unsuccessful marriage. Never enter a marriage with the expectation that your fervent witnessing will eventually lead your spouse to accept the gospel truths.
What will be your living arrangements?
There are many questions that need to be answered in this arena.
1. Will you live in the other’s home or your own?
2. Will you both sell your houses (or move from your apartments)? Or will you buy or rent a new dwelling place that is jointly “yours”?
3. Will you have his or her children (and/or your own) living with you?
4. Will you use some of the furniture of each mate or buy everything new?
5. How will you dispose of items not needed in the new home?
Our experience and survey data show that there are no clear-cut answers for each of the previous questions. Each situation has to be judged individually. It’s important to find a plan that will satisfy both of you. If either of you is unhappy about living in the other person’s house, make other living arrangements.
Do either of you have family or financial obligations?
Discuss these details completely before the marriage takes place. Jo and Linda were married sometime after the deaths of their mates. One month after the marriage ceremony, Linda discovered the following information about Joe’s commitments:
- He told his mother she could live with them for the next two years instead of going to a nursing home.
- Jo was giving about $200 a month to his unmarried (and usually unemployed) son, who lived in the next town.
- He had taken limited bankruptcy three years ago and still owed creditors over $20,000.
Obviously this information was most upsetting to Linda. These facts, along with Joe’s refusal to compromise on certain religious issues, caused their later divorce. There should be no secrets of this type between two persons contemplating marriage!
Will you avoid comparison of your deceased mate with your new one?
You will never find a mate exactly like your first. Your new husband or wife will have some good (and bad) qualities your first mate didn’t have, and vice versa. Do not place your former mate on a pedestal and challenge your new partner to be the same. Leaving the deceased’s picture on the wall and remarking that he or she “was so good” about doing such-and-so is not conducive to a harmonious second marriage. Conversely, there is no profit in amplifying all the faults of your former spouse. Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner. What happened in your first marriage is history. Let it go at that.
If you have grown children, what will be your contact with them after you marry?
Your marriage will be a major adjustment for your adult children. If you follow some rather simple guidelines, your new marriage can be very successful.
First of all, let your children know that you still love them. They should feel welcome to call you and see you within the bounds of common courtesy and good sense. Having a new spouse should not cause you to be isolated from your children, even if they have misgivings about the marriage.
Second, don’t go to your children with every problem or conflict that you have with your new spouse. It can be counterproductive to do so. In every disagreement have a private talk with your mate. Try to resolve conflict at that level. Playing “mind games” with each other’s children is a sure way of breeding major problems for a marriage.
How will you manage family traditions and holidays?
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas following a second marriage calls for much planning and discussion. There are many relatives to consider. A calm, well-developed plan can avoid much unneeded stress. Keep as many of your own family traditions as you can. But it’s good to be ready to compromise to include your new mate’s relatives. You may need to have two Thanksgiving meals —or one big one for all. Can your traditions and celebrations be exactly the same as with your first mate? Of course not. If both of you are willing to try new plans, family gatherings can be harmonious, and fun-loving for all.
To summarize, we want to emphasize that remarriage is not necessary or desirable for everyone whose mate has died. If you ask God’s blessings and are led to the proper person, however, a new marriage can be highly rewarding.
There were other valuable points made, that we weren’t able to include, from the book, Coping with Life after Your Mate Dies. Donald C. Cushenbery and Rita Crossley Cushenbery are the authors. It is published by Baker Books. Please consider obtaining this book because we believe you could find it very helpful. It is written to be read quickly, and easily.
– ALSO-
For further insights on this topic, please read the following articles posted on the “I Do! Take Two” web site:
• 10 STEP GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER
• ADVICE FOR WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS CONSIDERING REMARRIAGE CATEGORY
Filed under: Remarriage
(ZIMBABWE) Recently widowed, I would like some information on how to survive as a widow the biblical way. Even to chat with some widows and widowers.
(PHIL) God said that there is a time for everything…
(PHILIPPINES) I’m a widow too, for almost 4 years now. I have 5 kids to support. Is it okay if I find someone who will make happy again? I’m only 45 years old. When my husband died, it was my decision not to get involved with any man who liked me or showed interest in me, because I want to protect my children’s future. I want them to finish their studies and I can only do that if I remain unmarried or not in a relationship.
I think my life is complicated if I’m going to get married again. Maybe a relationship can work, but not marriage. My pension will be at stake.
I don’t want you to be selfish. Consider the feelings of your son. Take time to know the man that you want to marry. He has to prove to your son that he is sincere to you and worth to fight. Think and visualize yourself 5 years from now. Pray for guidance. That’s the best thing that you can do.
(INDIA) May God bless you in all your ways. Trust and believe and hope in Jesus Christ. Then you will see all kinds of miracles in your life. Ok. I will pray for you.
(INDIA) I am frustrated and been cheated on. I want true love if God permits; I want to live with a very good partner.
(ZIMBABWE) I am also a widow with two boys aged 10 and 15. I need some help. The journey is not easy for me.
(USA) I was widowed 3 years and 5 months ago. I was married 25 years and I have a son Brandon. I met a widower on a grief support group online 3 months after my husband died. We met in person 4 months after my husband died. We connected and had feelings right away. I realize now that it was too soon. We got engaged 3 months later, my son flipped out and said some very nasty things to me.
We eventually broke the engagement but continued a relationship and we got engaged again a year ago. I had prayed for God to send me a widowed, Christian man. My deceased husband believed in God but would not go to church with me and I wanted that in a second marriage. Well, that is when I met Steve.
Last night I told my son that I wanted to get married this Fall after I got a pre-nuptial agreement and a will set in place. Brandon has not liked Steve from the get go and now he told me, you know the consequences. I will not be allowed to have my Granddaughter around when he is there and he will not come around.
I did not mean to hurt my son by bringing him into my life so soon. I made some bad choices that first year. one of which I sold my house to my son and daughter in law for 1/2 of what it is worth and gave them a large sum of money. I feel like I’m trying to buy their acceptance and I know that is wrong.
I do love this man and he has brought happiness back in my life and I want to get married but I don’t want to lose my son and Granddaughter!!! I have not been able to sleep I’m so unhappy right now. Can anyone give me some hope that this will turn out ok? I’m 48 and too young to be alone and unhappy!
(USA) I got remarried 8 months after my husband died and am now getting divorced. My husband used me and got a lot of money out of me. Don’t be made a fool out of like I was.
(INDIA) Don’t be alone, dear. Always be true to your heart. All men are not same. There is still love in this planet.
(USA) I know exactly what you are going through. I hope my circumstance will help you.
My husband passed away 15 months ago. His best friend’s wife passed away 5 months before my husband. The four of us were friends for 39 yrs. He and I started dating 4 months after my husband passed. We had dinner together, talked together, even cried together. It helped us both through the mourning process. I know his family, and he knows mine. Well, my second son wouldn’t speak to me. He said his dad thought at times that his friend and I were having an affair. We were NOT.
My husband had been sick for years and this was one of his quirks (jealousy). I tried to explain to my son, that if his dad had really felt that way, then he wouldn’t have allowed him to visit etc. But, my son wouldn’t speak to me for almost a year (though we are fine now). He said he loves us both, and what we do is our bussiness.
He was having a hard time losing his dad, and now my friend and I are getting really serious, but his daughter-in-law is our problem. I told him, “give it time she will come around.” Just as your son will too.
You are his mother, he loves you, but, like my other 3 sons have said, “I have a life too and the right to live it.” He will see that you need your man. You have to live your life. Life is too short to let our kids run it for us. They have their lives, and we have ours. It will work out, turn to God as I have done, it worked for us. Good luck.
(USA) I am in the same boat as you… My sons have just turned on me for me re-marrying. I was married to their dad 30 years and lost him on 5/22/10. I made my mind up I wanted to be happy and have a home again… so I did just that. I pray that time will heal them and once they see my smiling face they will know that I am happy. I also GAVE my land and home to my oldest son and his wife. I paid off a truck for my youngest… NOT buying their love but sharing in their lives. I know the pain of being alone after a 30 year marriage and know I want to know the happiness of being ONE again… prayers and hugs.
(USA) To reengaged party. Been there done that. Sometimes children play you financially, as well as emotionally. My kids tried that before, when my husband was gravely ill, but recovered. They tried to get me to sign over my husband’s property while he was still alive! I felt betrayed, to have someone wish my partner, my love dead for financial gain. Protect yoursef financially from all comers. Then trust in the Lord for matters of the heart. Best of luck. Love Rose.
(USA) I must tell my story. In 2009, my wife of 17 yrs died of breast cancer. She was diagnosed, underwent a mastectomy, and dealt with radiation and chemo in 2007 and 2008. In 2009, after what we thought was complete remission, the disease ultimately returned in force and killed her. During this entire ordeal, I never considered EVER possibly remarrying. In fact, my plan was to never remarry.
About a year (2010) after her death, a mutual friend of ours from college (who lived in another city) became close and started dating. A year later (2011) we married. I have three children (one adult and two younger) and the transition was difficult at first but is now blessedly wonderful. They have actually grown to call her “mom”. I know not what the future holds, but our experience thus far as an immediate family has been tremendous.
The source of ALL problems, however, has been with my former mother-in-law and her unacceptance of me and the children deciding to not live in grief but to move on. Rather than be happy that there is life that moves forward, she has publicly (and I do mean publicly) made accusations of infidelity during the first marriage and has actually made it a point to spread said rumors. Though hurt more than angered (I financially supported her for 17 yrs), we never publicly spoke badly of her and I only expect and care that others see me for my actions and the life I’ve lived. Today, she still has not accepted my wife and refuses to visit her grandchildren and stay at our home (we live nearly 800 miles away). Her poisonous attitude and unfortunate untruths have also led to us having to find some new friends and relationships.
MY STORY: trust in the Lord (particularly when an unexpected blessing comes your way) and let no one tell you when YOU should move one, but understand that for you (and your family) to be happy (and happiness after death CAN OCCUR), you may be forced to let go of some family members, find new friendships, and perhaps even find a new church. At the end of the day, it is YOUR happiness and remainder of life at stake. Take charge, move forward, and know that you deserve to be happy. And understand that, as much as we want to make others happy… we can/should only be responsible for ourselves and to ensure our happiness. No one can live for us.
(USA) Hi Julie, This is so sad that you find yourself at a place where your son is trying to make you decide between marriage and having a relationship with him and your granddaughter. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Sorry. You’ve already gone through so much grief — it’s hard to go through this as well.
It’s difficult for me (or anyone) who doesn’t have more information to be able to advise you on this. You’re right, 48 is young to be alone if you believe you have found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I commend you though, that you slowed things down a bit before getting engaged again. You (and your son) and this man have a lot of issues you need to work through before you marry again.
Because I don’t know this man, his integrity and the soundness of his Christian walk, plus your compatibility and how well you actually do fit together for marriage, I would advise you to get counseling. Just because he is a nice man and has enriched your life during this season — that doesn’t mean that he would be a good husband for you, or that you would be a good wife for him. Dating and marrying are two different issues. There are also many other reasons I recommend counseling.
One, you need to make sure that you’ve worked through your grief to the point where you’re ready to commit to a new marriage. This will cause a big turn in the direction of your life. You need to make sure that you aren’t dragging grief as a widow into a new marriage. New love can look good when you’re hurting, but it can eventually lose its shine pretty quickly if you haven’t properly dealt with past grief and baggage. I’ve heard this from several widows and widowers.
Secondly, after 25 years of being married, you kind of “broke” your other husband in where you learned how to fit your lives together in a smoother way. A new marriage will start that process all over again and it’s a HUGE learning curve! You want to make sure that BOTH of you know how to settle disagreements in healthy ways and that you are equally committed to the process without giving up.
Thirdly, you want to make sure you and the man you want to marry are as compatible as you think you are. We can sometimes be fooled into seeing more in a person and their commitment to marriage than there really is. You want to make sure that you aren’t projecting qualities, or missing cues that could bring future problems — ones that an impartial party may be able to point out. We have a lot of tools on this web site that can help you, by asking and TRUTHFULLY answering questions to each other. The right counselor can help you in this as well.
Also, you aren’t entering into this marriage alone. You have a grown family — one that is demanding things from you that you need to consider. It’s the “counting the cost” principle that the Bible refers to in several places. The strain between you and your son will DEFINITELY affect this marriage relationship and your life on so many levels — more than you might realize. Your new husband won’t have the history with your son and granddaughter and may not give as much grace over the long haul, as his father might have given. You need to learn how to work through your issues and set boundaries down at this time so things can go the best that is possible. The right counselor could help with this BEFORE you marry.
Also, I would advise family counseling BEFORE you marry. Don’t think that you’ll just get married and will work out the details later. I’ve heard sad, sad stories over and over again when this has been done. NOW is the time to work through these issues. It would be better to wait and enter into marriage with the best foot forward than rush and regret it later. Preventative medicine works better than repairing damage later or facing ruination.
Even though you’re widowed, this is still a second marriage. Many of the same principles will apply and you’ll also have additional issues to work through as well. Slow down and do this right, if it is to be done at all. It’s better to be alone and without someone, than to be married and unhappy for the rest of your lives together. Again, I’ve heard of this happening over and over again.
For your situation, I would advise a different kind of counselor — a Christian counselor who specializes in remarriages. I have one in mind that you might consider approaching because he and his wife are good at family coaching and specialize in remarriage situations, and they do phone counseling and coaching.
If you go into the “Remarriage” section and go into “Links and Resource Descriptions” you’ll find a list of several ministries that we link to that specialize in remarriages. The one that comes to mind immediately is “Instep Ministries” with Dr Jeff Parziale. We personally know Jeff and Judi and highly respect them and have recommended them often. We have a lot of confidence in their abilities.
I hope you’ll consider getting the help you need. This is a huge step and one that you need to enter cautiously and being the best prepared possible– having done your due diligence FIRST! I hope you will! Please know my prayers are with you.
(USA) I AM A WIDOW -60 YEARS OLD, WHO WAS MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL, CHRISTIAN MAN. I HAVE CHILDREN, ALL GROWN WITH THEIR OWN FAMILIES. THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE MEN I MEET WANT INTIMACY RIGHT OFF. I WANT TO START WITH DATING AND FRIENDSHIP -THEY SAY “EVERYBODY IS DOING THESE THINGS.” I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY SAY. I WANT RESPECT AND COMMITMENT. WHY ARE PEOPLE ACCEPTING THESE IMMORAL RELATIONSHIPS AS NORMAL AND HEALTHY WHERE ARE THE CHURCHES CONDEMNING THIS?
(UNITED KINGDOM) I think you may have just met the wrong type of men so far. I too am 60 and have been a widow for 2 years. Although I’ve been so lonely for the past two years even when in company, the loneliness has changed now and I would like the company of a man. I have met a lovely man who is very understanding and I have no intention of entering an intimate relationship yet. We are good friends and enjoy each others company from time to time. Since the death of my husband I no longer have a religion.
Just stick to your principles and wait until you find a man who respects your wishes and accepts you for who you are. Good Luck.
(INDIA, BHUBANESWAR) I do not have an unacceptable comment on this issue. No church should condemn this type of issue. It is no where written in the Bible, that man/female should not marry. But it is only written if anybody remains unmarried for the sake of worshing God or for the sake of God’s love, it is better. It does not say “BEST.” Please tell me, what is it’s meaning? The meaning is the male/female should marry (with only to their opposite sex, in the Old Testament)
In the second point, it is written in the Bible (New Testament) that in order to prevent adultery (either mentally or physically), everybody (male or female) should have a spouse of their own, so that man/woman will not go on the wrong pathway. In view of this, after the death of spouse, a widower or widow can be remarried as per their con-venience/suitability. A real pastor/Father of a church cannot keep a widow or widower away from remarriage. As per the Bible, it is acceptable for remarriage of widow or widower. For the sake of a happy and peaceful life, God created man and woman (Adam and Eve). After the creation of man God saw only that the man cannot live alone; so his better half is essential for his peace and happy living.
By the remarriage of widowed father or widowed mother, grown up children feel inconvenienced to accept their step father or mother. It is due to a mental feeling only. But it is not at all a crime or sin before God. So every grown up child should honour/respect the decision of their widowed father or mother. No children in the grown up stage, can give real love and affection to their widowed father or mother, as much as a partner/spouse can give. So all grown up children should respect the view of their widowed mother or father.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I have stick to your my principles and wait until i find a woman who respects my wishes and accepts me for who i am Good Luck.
(PHILIPPINES) Great words. I wish I had known these same principles before. I may not be having so many things to adjust to now and find suppressing myself with my interest and responsibilities with my kids.
(USA) My father-in-law is getting married to a “Christian woman”. Both are in their eighties. She lives out of town (8 hours). She has not met the family and has no desire to meet the family. The family (his deceased wife’s family) told him to get a pre-nuptial. He did. She demanded 1200/m in case of divorce or in case of death. 1200/m for the rest of her life. She has lied and told us she has “gifted” her house to her daughter. Finally she came clean and said she was in foreclosure and her daughter took it over. (We found it on the internet.) My father-in-law loves her and does not care and wants to marry her. He has assets. She refuses to disclose hers. Grandchildren are really upset (14 year old and 11 year old). They will live near her family. They just announced they will marry regardless. The woman did drop the 1200 demand the day before the invitations went out.
(SINGAPORE) I’m a 46 yr old widower for 1 year & a half with an 11 yr old son. When &/ or should I start dating & remarry again? Memories of my late wife still lingers & there is her stuff like photos, clothing & personal belongings still in the house. I’m trying to be strong like those people I know who have remained single & happy all their life. How can I go about my life apart from work, attend Church, pray & everything else?
(USA) Dear Widower in Singapore, Who is to say that you need to stay single? The memories of your deceased wife will linger forever, there will be new feelings to work through for some time, that does not mean you are not ready to try dating. I would suggest that if you are entertaining the thought, you are close to being ready! I would suggest giving it a try… go on a date and see how you feel about it. This may be the only way to find out for sure. Good luck!
(INDIA) Jas… Praise Jesus! I will pray for you. Ok. Please don’t lose hope.
(USA) There is so much to be said on this topic, but very little out there. I think that the main point here is following what the Lord has planned for you. If you feel that it is your calling to remarry, then it is. If something does not seem right, it is not time or perhaps not the right person.
Many toss around the thought of “too soon.” Everyone’s opinion differs; some people even believe you should never remain after the death of a spouse (especially if you are woman). There is no “wrong” time as everyone processes loss differently, we all come from different backgrounds, and what God has in store for each person is unique.
I am 34 years old and widowed for a little over a year. I had a very healthy and loving relationship with my deceased husband. He died suddenly but I submerged myself in scripture, church, and non-religious support groups. I know that God has chosen a very special man to be in my life and my children’s lives. I was not looking to fall in love, did not know if I could again, but I am now engaged! The reactions from those around me have been varied; from filled with estactic joy to threatening to never speak to me again. Some say, “Too soon” and other’s “It’s about time”. Truly this all about what is right for you!
It is sad that others feel the need to pass judgement and hurt widows/widowers more when you have already been hurt so much. It seems unbearable, but remember (and perhaps reminding others too!) God is your only judge. To find love a second time is a true blessing to be cherished!
(USA) Thank God for your comment. I am 30 yr old and have been a widow for a year and a month. I was recently invited to a social gathering which I contemplated on attending. To get to the point I met a man at this event, and we seem to connect very well. We have been talking a lot and surprisingly it feels good talking to him. This is really unexpected for me because at the time I wasn’t looking to date and I certainly didn’t think I would be liking someone so fast. He is a very sweet person with very similar background as mine, and so easy to get along with (at least for now). I am just in shock of how I am feeling (very happy) and sometimes very afraid that it may be due to my vulnerability. I keep praying to God to show me the right thing to do. I am certainly worried about what people will say and also if is the will of God.
(USA) Hi, my name is Joni. My husband died fifteen months ago; he was not ill he suffered from sudden death syndrome. I met him when I was fourteen. We have an eleven year old daughter, a seventeen month old daughter, and a seven month old. My second child was only two months old when my husband passed away. I found out two months after his death I was four months pregnant. I had an IUD and went in cause I had been ill, mistakenly believing it was caused by the IUD. They tried to remove the IUD in a procedure very similar to an abortion. I had gotten pregnant only three weeks before his death.
At first I thought how could God take my husband at a time like this, but as time went by I started to think I am diabetic… meaning getting pregnant is hard after eleven years. God blessed me twice in one year against all odds as if by design knowing time was running out. God does nothing out of malice; he would not take away a love to leave you alone. He says till death do we part even after death our love for our spouses lives on but he does not wish us to never have that love again. There is always room for love.
Thank you Joanna, for reaching out to try to encourage others who have lost their spouse. You are obviously giving comfort with the comfort you have received, as the scriptures speak about. May you be blessed all the more for it.
You have certainly lived through a lot in your short life! My heart goes out to you and your children. As you know all too well, they truly are a gift from God. I hope you are able to enjoy many, many, many little moments with them and sense that your husband would be smiling with you. I hope and pray that you are able to make God your husband and that He helps you during your lonely times and times when you need wisdom. I pray that you will have a discerning spirit and wisdom to know if another man comes into your life, whether or not you should invite him in to join you in your family. There are many temptations to do so, even though that person may cause more problems than it is at first imagined. Be careful. Guard your heart. It would be the unusual man who could love you and your children as God would have it, but it’s not impossible. Please… just be careful and love, love, love those children. I pray that you sense the love that your Husband, Jesus Christ, has for you to keep as well. May you sense His loving presence.
(MALAYSIA) Hi Jennifer, I agree with you about how there is so much to be said on this topic but very little out there. Also, you are right on how all this is about following the Lord’s will. Although sometimes I do waver on that score. It’s not easy to be steadfast. I share quite a similar story as yours.
I am 34 yrs old, and will soon be widowed for 5 years this Nov. I’m not sure if you have any children but I do; 2 young girls ages 8 and 6. In the first few years I kind of vowed to God on swearing off remarrying as I could see the many challenges involved, as what we can read from the article above, and I wasn’t sure I could go through it. Also, I think the stress, heartache and trying to move on with life in the first few years took much of my focus and time.
I feel happy for you that you found joy in falling in love again. However, in the past 1 year, I do sometimes hope to meet someone who could understand and love me and my family as we are – and who’s also a God-loving Christian man. But funnily, I am a little afraid of putting that forth in my prayers to God – maybe because I still wonder if it’s really something I want and could go through again (I realised I have developed a phobia of risking loving and losing a person all over again!) or was it just loneliness that compelled me to harbour such hope. At the bottom of it, it just boils down to seeking the Lord’s will and praying for wisdom and discernment. Just that waiting on the Lord can be a test of patient endurance.
(USA) Oh, man, I cannot imagine what you have been through! My heart goes out to you. You are way too young not to think about remarriage, but I would caution you to be very, very careful, as your decisions greatly affect the lives of your young children. They are young enough to accept the right man as their father, but it must be the right man.
I urge you to bring this all to the throne of grace, and ask our Father what His will is for you and your life. He will guide you. Speak with Him daily on this topic. In His will, in His way, in His time, He will send you the right man, but you must let Him make the decision. If I might suggest, you should also bring your young ladies into this process, and have them join in with you in prayer, asking our Lord to guide and direct your lives as a family.
I pray for you and hope that you will pray unceasingly about this. You know our Father wants us to bring everything to Him, and through our prayers and our obedience and yielding to His will we are blessed.
(USA) Jennifer- I really enjoyed reading your comment. I am a 53 year-old widow of 15 months. This was my second husband, and the man of my dreams. We were married for just shy of five years. I thought I would be with him until the day that “I” died. It didn’t turn out that way. Here I am alone again.
I just started dating a year after he passed away, and have turned to God to help me find another wonderful man. Just like you, I did meet a nice man a couple of months ago. We are just dating now, but we are both Christians and leaving it in God’s hands.
I like what you said about it being sad that others feel the need to pass judgement and hurt on us. They have no idea how we feel. I am happy for you, and wish you the best. You deserve it!
(KENYA IN AFRICA) I am widow, again. I am saved. I love Jesus; He is my personal saviour. That is why I am strong in the family, because to be the father and the mother in the house, it is too dificult. Since I lost my husband, it is now ten years (10) without a man in the house, just praying and taking care of the children every needs, it is only me too painful. Add to that loneliness in the house.
So I would like to tell widows like me, it is good to follow the will of God. I like that. Now I am fifty three years old (53). To have some one or another one, takes the hand of the Lord himself. I have been trying to look for somebody, even a widower to remarry. No way. I am just waiting on the will of God.
(USA) Hi: I have never being married, nor have children. I am 33 years old. I met a man who has just lost his wife last year in November. She was diagnosed with a serious condition in January 2009 and she died in November 2010. She was 8 years older than him, and they never had children.
My friend has grieved his wife for a couple months, but after putting his feeling of not being alone before God, on January 2010 he decided to move on. We met 15 days ago and we really like each other. We have a lot in common and have put our desires before the Lord. Both of us have peace with this relationship. I believe that in sometime soon he will ask me to be his wife.
Thank you for this article as I believe that we are in the right track.
(USA) Tirza, I can understand your situation. My husband died last August of 2011. He had been having heart failure all year. My children are grown and married. I have been alone and after about 5 months, I started communicating with a Christian man I met on a Christian website.
We met about a month later and he is also a widower. His wife had died about 1 1/2 years ago. We found that we love each other very much and he proposed to me. We plan a wedding in about 8 months but my children are totally against it. They really don’t know him and they say I haven’t grieved long enough and that they are still grieving. I have grieved and I know that I have to get on with my life. I cannot sit in depression every day. I feel they are more concerned about their loss than they are for my happiness. They don’t even want to be a part of my wedding. I don’t know what to do.
(USA) “It is sad that others feel the need to pass judgement and hurt widows/widowers more when you have already been hurt so much.”
I agree with Jennifer here, but I can flip this statement at the author of the article who stated that children of divorced households are often troubled and spread discord wherever they go. I found this statement so very offensive. These children need love and so do their parents -not JUDGMENT.
Yes, it’s true many children from “broken Homes” have behavioral issues. But also children from widowed homes can also have problems and spread discord. These kids can resent their parents finding a new person to love and be selfish and spread discord as well. Children from intact married couples can have problems and get into trouble. Just because a child is from a divorced home does not necessarily mean that child is doomed to be a problems and have issues and we write them off expecting as much. It is highly dependence on each individual situation. Each child and famliy is different.
It is good to aware that there are differences between divorced households and widowed household but to overgeneralize and make a statement that divorced children can “spread discord wherever they go” seems firstly prejudgiced, secondly judgemental and thridly honestly not very Christian in attitude.
I believe many widowed people have a superiority attitude when it comes to the divorced. They believe they didn’t have a choice their spouse was taken. They would be right. They didn’t. But also many divorced people did not have a choice. Many of these men/women were abandoned emotionally, financially, physically etc by their spouse. This was NOT under their control or their children’s. So it seems an ultimate unkindness to blame these families when they could not control a spouse who ran away and didn’t care for his/her family. Of course there are divorced situations where it was a choice. I understand that. But still we should’nt assume these kids are going to be troublesome. Yes, they are high risk to have problems. Anytime trauma of any kind is factored in a child’s life there is a risk.
My point is – do not be so ready to paint all the divorced and their children with the same brushstroke. As much kindness and understanding and brotherly love you are expecting as a widowed individual please bestow that same compassion on the less forunate — including the divorced and their children. Do not stereotype. If you expect compassion for your own situation you must be willing to give it in kind back.
(USA) I am sorry if my previous post was somewhat off topic. For the most part I agree with the above article. I am a divorced women involved in serious relationship with a widower. I agree with slowing down, taking time. Also I agree that grown children, extended family on both sides all impact second marriages and making sure you are doing things the right way. It is much easier the first time around when a couple only has themselves to consider when marrying- not 2 households – 2 pasts, 2 – sets of children.
I especially agree with advising widowers to “Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner.” This is a fairly common problem with dating a widower. I don’t think divorced people do this as often as usually there is a reason an ex is an ex so they are not going to hold them up on a pedestal. This can cause a lot of issues in a marriage or even a dating relationship if the new partner feels they have to compete wiht your LH or LW and always come up lacking. It can erode your new partners self-esteem and also cause resentment.
While I understand people tend to memoralize the good qualities when a person dies and that they tend to forget they were a flawed human beings, it is only fair to remember a new parnter cannot compete with the ghost from your past.
Widowers also can idealize their former marriage. I am sure many of their marriages were as happy as they remember but if you hold it up to such a high regard to your new partner you making them feel like they have awful big shoes to fill or that you are possibly making comparisons. It good to be conscious for these issues because these issues can hinder a second marriage before it begins.
I love the comment that finding love a second time around is a blessing. Yes, you have to be careful to assure you are not jumping into things too quickly but honestly after losing love and marriage by whatever means (widowed or divorced) finding someone to share your life with again is all teh more special because you realize just how much it means and you know what it is to lose it the first itme around. You cherish it more, don’t get so hung upon the little things.
(NEW ZEALAND) Thank you for the tips in re-looking at marriage. As a young widow of 2 years, it’s difficult to find the same age around here that have shared the same experience. I had an excellent Christian marriage of 24 years. He was truly my best friend. He treated me like the queen. Although we shared many things in life including doing the lawns, after he died I found I needed to know how to operate some of the computer system, properly. He did most of this work for us.
So I worked up the courage and went back to school for 6 months and learned. Amazingly experienced, I have learned most of the things I needed to know and more, an expert ah? It’s brought new meaning and has opened the world to me.
I made another choice that has helped me to keep going, I kept doing ministry after he died. A good decision in that while I ministered to others, rebuilding HOPE, God and His word healed my grief.
My faith and the word of God is the source of life to me daily. Each week I am realising I am doing all right. I am beginning to talk to other people about their dating experiences and am open to the possibilities.
I read this lately: Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.
(US) I have been widowed for 14 years and am now 56. I want to remarry or at least have a good male friend, but where and how does one find and do this at the age of 56? I have tried a few avenues, but feel so uncomfortable in this process. I am attractive, successful and very ready for a relationship and do believe strongly with trust in my God. Help. Can someone walk me through the steps on how to find a mate and maybe where my mistakes may have been?
Thank you.
(KENYA) I am glad to learn that others are making it and I will make it too.