After your spouse has been deceased for a period of time, you may think about the possibility of remarriage. In practically every interview we conducted with widows and widowers, remarriage was a common topic of conversation.
…This [article] is designed to give helpful information to you who are presently planning a remarriage. Or it may be something you are open to in the future. If you ever think of remarrying, read this material carefully. Even if you feel it is God’ will to follow this goal, there are numerous practical aspects to keep in mind.
Surround yourself scripture and prayer.
Whatever you do, be sure you’re guided by the Scriptures in your pursuits. Surround yourself with prayer to help you follow God’s will. We believe that God is Master of every facet of life. If you believe in his Word, every major step you take —including remarriage —will be directed by him.
As part of the research for writing this [article], we interviewed survivors who have married so we could list criteria to consider before remarrying. Examine each item carefully. If you have difficulty resolving any of the questions posed, you need to examine your reasons for remarriage and your overall goals. The questions below are not listed in any order of importance. Each question is vital to the success of your new marriage.
How long should you wait before you remarry?
The answer depends on a number of circumstances. Some authorities say that it should be at least a year after the death of your mate before you make any major decision. This certainly includes marriage. If the death of your mate was sudden, the resolution of your grief may be particularly difficult. You may find it best to wait several years before even considering the idea of remarriage. Conversely, if your mate had a lingering illness and you went through a partial process of grief before his or her death, you may be comfortable in remarrying in less than a year. If this is true, the timing of your marriage may be of secondary importance. We are convinced, however, that resolving the answers to the next questions could take several months. It may even take years, for some individuals.
If there are children, how do they feel about your remarrying?
This issue was a serious one for Rita and me. That is because she had four adult children and I had three. At first my children had only a slight acquaintance with Rita. Her children did not know me at all. After studying this question carefully and consulting counselors and trusted friends, we took a path that has been reasonably successful. It has helped us establish a harmonious family relationship. We recommend the following guidelines for your consideration:
1. Introduce your prospective spouse to your children as early as possible.
Much of any initial negative reaction is because the individuals really do not know each other. If possible, let all the children in both families get acquainted before any marriage plans are announced. When you meet the children of your intended, be as natural as possible. Do not try to be someone you are not. They might not accept you completely, but if you show yourself to be a “phony,” they will be even more suspicious. Especially if the children are young, respect them for who they are. Be sensitive to their grief over the loss of the deceased parent. It may still be very painful to them.
Avoid recommendations about child-rearing to your intended at this stage. If his or her children make you uneasy for any major reason, have a serious conversation about your feelings. Even though it may be hard to accept, you will not only become involved with his or her children but other family members as well.
2. The final decision to remarry must be made by both of you.
Although the feelings of adult children regarding your remarrying must be considered, the final decision must be made by both of you for the best interests of all. Some children may be negative toward any relationship you enter. They may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you as a parent. And they may feel neglected if you remarry. A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best.
The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your pastor, a counselor, and trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of persons who are somewhat detached from your situation. They can best give you objective advice about your relationship.
Once you’re comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately. Ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed. They will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situation.
3. Absorbing young children into a new marriage may be a major source of conflict for both of you.
The stepfather’s or stepmother’s role may be demanding and traumatic, when young children are involved. We have observed that a husband and wife may agree on nearly everything except how to raise children, their own or someone else’s! It’s nearly impossible to remain detached from such problems once a couple is united in a remarriage.
Often the family situation is still more challenging when you marry a divorced person and bring a child who has been living with the ex-spouse into your new home. Some children of divorced parents are very troubled. They have a great capacity to spread discord wherever they go. Consider these possibilities seriously before remarrying.
Before you enter into a marriage where young children are involved, it would be advisable to air your concerns with your pastor and/or trusted friends. Don’t let the present grief of your mate’s death cause you to enter into a new marriage that is risky for all involved.
What is the financial status of each of you?
Of all the issues that may imperil a marriage, the subject of money can be the most deadly. The issues below must be studied and resolved before the marriage takes place.
An agreement must be reached if one of you has much more money than the other. There must be a clear understanding of how finances will be divided. There probably would not be a 50-50 split of assets in this circumstance. If this is a potential trouble spot, identify it early in a relationship.
A definite plan must be established with regard to spending money. Decide how much will be spent for yourselves, your children’s needs, recreation, vacations, or eating away from home. If you are planning to establish a joint checking account, there should be a clear understanding about which expenditures will be made from that source. Unless such a decision is reached, there is considerable potential for disagreement and stress.
A program must be agreed on with regard to checking, savings, and various investment accounts. The exact ownership and plans for these accounts should be described in detail in a prenuptial agreement. This is especially true if either of you has children. Normally it is recommended that each of you keep your own name on any savings or investments that were yours before the remarriage. Decide whether the beneficiaries of the accounts will be your new mate or certain children. Sometimes joint checking accounts are established with the understanding that both parties will contribute agreed-on amounts each month. For your mutual protection, property bought jointly after marriage should be stated on the title as “joint tenants with right of survivorship.”
Should you have a prenuptial agreement and new wills?
The establishment of a prenuptial agreement before a second marriage is advisable. This is especially true if there are children involved and either of you have various financial holdings. In the event of a divorce or death of one of you, each mate needs to have a clear understanding of his or her legal rights.
New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other. Also, make sure you formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint heirs. Be sure it is mentioned within your will that a prenuptial agreement has been made. If it does not, there can be considerable heartache for all concerned. Your county’s legal society can recommend local lawyers who specialize in premarital agreements and wills.
Are you sexually compatible?
One of the most important aspects of any marriage is the degree of sexual satisfaction attained by each of you. Your need for sexual gratification probably did not terminate at the death of your mate. There is a lot of research data to show that a majority of healthy persons remain sexually active up to age eighty and beyond.
If you intend to remarry, discuss your degree of sexual interest in this area with your prospective mate. There is potential for a great amount of stress if a person who has previously had an active sex life marries someone who has little interest in sexual intimacy. The same is true if they have different ideas of how to express that intimacy. One of the most authoritative books regarding this matter is Sex over 40 by Saul H. Rosenthal, M.D. Another interesting publication is Common Sense Christianity by Gerald Mann, who devotes an entire chapter to “great Sex for Christians.”
What are your religious beliefs?
Of all the questions cited so far, this one may have the greatest potential for trouble between a couple. Resolve this issue before you pursue a relationship to any great depth. Our studies of this question have led us to some rather firm beliefs about related concerns.
Basic spiritual values:
If persons of any age (especially older) have never been interested in church attendance, tithing, prayer, etc, they may never be. There is a good prospect they won’t embrace all or even some of these aspects just because they marry. We hope that they will change their lives. However, they probably will not.
Evangelism in a marriage:
The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with a nonbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). To disobey this admonition may be an invitation to a stress-filled and unsuccessful marriage. Never enter a marriage with the expectation that your fervent witnessing will eventually lead your spouse to accept the gospel truths.
What will be your living arrangements?
There are many questions that need to be answered in this arena.
1. Will you live in the other’s home or your own?
2. Will you both sell your houses (or move from your apartments)? Or will you buy or rent a new dwelling place that is jointly “yours”?
3. Will you have his or her children (and/or your own) living with you?
4. Will you use some of the furniture of each mate or buy everything new?
5. How will you dispose of items not needed in the new home?
Our experience and survey data show that there are no clear-cut answers for each of the previous questions. Each situation has to be judged individually. It’s important to find a plan that will satisfy both of you. If either of you is unhappy about living in the other person’s house, make other living arrangements.
Do either of you have family or financial obligations?
Discuss these details completely before the marriage takes place. Jo and Linda were married sometime after the deaths of their mates. One month after the marriage ceremony, Linda discovered the following information about Joe’s commitments:
- He told his mother she could live with them for the next two years instead of going to a nursing home.
- Jo was giving about $200 a month to his unmarried (and usually unemployed) son, who lived in the next town.
- He had taken limited bankruptcy three years ago and still owed creditors over $20,000.
Obviously this information was most upsetting to Linda. These facts, along with Joe’s refusal to compromise on certain religious issues, caused their later divorce. There should be no secrets of this type between two persons contemplating marriage!
Will you avoid comparison of your deceased mate with your new one?
You will never find a mate exactly like your first. Your new husband or wife will have some good (and bad) qualities your first mate didn’t have, and vice versa. Do not place your former mate on a pedestal and challenge your new partner to be the same. Leaving the deceased’s picture on the wall and remarking that he or she “was so good” about doing such-and-so is not conducive to a harmonious second marriage. Conversely, there is no profit in amplifying all the faults of your former spouse. Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner. What happened in your first marriage is history. Let it go at that.
If you have grown children, what will be your contact with them after you marry?
Your marriage will be a major adjustment for your adult children. If you follow some rather simple guidelines, your new marriage can be very successful.
First of all, let your children know that you still love them. They should feel welcome to call you and see you within the bounds of common courtesy and good sense. Having a new spouse should not cause you to be isolated from your children, even if they have misgivings about the marriage.
Second, don’t go to your children with every problem or conflict that you have with your new spouse. It can be counterproductive to do so. In every disagreement have a private talk with your mate. Try to resolve conflict at that level. Playing “mind games” with each other’s children is a sure way of breeding major problems for a marriage.
How will you manage family traditions and holidays?
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas following a second marriage calls for much planning and discussion. There are many relatives to consider. A calm, well-developed plan can avoid much unneeded stress. Keep as many of your own family traditions as you can. But it’s good to be ready to compromise to include your new mate’s relatives. You may need to have two Thanksgiving meals —or one big one for all. Can your traditions and celebrations be exactly the same as with your first mate? Of course not. If both of you are willing to try new plans, family gatherings can be harmonious, and fun-loving for all.
To summarize, we want to emphasize that remarriage is not necessary or desirable for everyone whose mate has died. If you ask God’s blessings and are led to the proper person, however, a new marriage can be highly rewarding.
There were other valuable points made, that we weren’t able to include, from the book, Coping with Life after Your Mate Dies. Donald C. Cushenbery and Rita Crossley Cushenbery are the authors. It is published by Baker Books. Please consider obtaining this book because we believe you could find it very helpful. It is written to be read quickly, and easily.
– ALSO-
For further insights on this topic, please read the following articles posted on the “I Do! Take Two” web site:
• 10 STEP GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER
• ADVICE FOR WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS CONSIDERING REMARRIAGE CATEGORY
Filed under: Remarriage
(NAMIBIA) I am a widow for seventeen years now, but by the grace of God I met someone who is also a widower two months ago. He has already proposed marriage, and I said yes. I hope and believe that this is the will of God. I almost gave up, because seventeen years is a very long time, but God is faithful. It was very hard to play a role of a father and mother at the same time. I want to tell widows out there, commit all to God, He is faithful and knows all that we need in our lives and will give us the desires of our hearts.
(USA) “You might hear about it, read about it, even spoken about it. UNTIL you live it you do not know it.” Many people speak about remarrying too soon. For anybody that has been widowed, they can’t be blamed. They may tell you that they know how you feel but because they haven’t been in that position before the “knowing” is just a mirage and an illusion.
Been a widower for close to 3 years; I know it. But the Lord is faithful. But for old time sake, let it cool off first before you considering going into other relationships. You may also need to review your old marriage. What are the mistakes or what if you have your way and will not do again? Read good books on marriage so as to have a greater future and just be careful and the good Lord shall help you out.
(KENYA) I agree with the advice and comments 100%.
(USA) I’ve been in a relationship with a widowed man for almost 2 yrs. We got together about 7 mo after she passed away. They were married for 17 yrs, had two kids; they are 18 and 21. Needless to say, me and the older child get along fine but the other one is a different story. We are always butting heads. Bottom line, we can’t stand each other. She is the baby and that’s how she’s treated too. Plus daddy feels bad for her.
When we have issues he always takes her side no matter what. Every time time I say anything he jumps to her defense even when I am right. He always says, your the adult, just walk away. I moved in 8 mo ago and she still lives at home, doesn’t work, no school, does not do ANYTHING! It drives me crazy to see such a lazy person. Dad never says anything. He says he loves me but never stands behind me, no matter what. I love him with all my heart but I don’t know if I can take much more. Advise please. Do you think he really loves me?
(USA) He probably loves you as much as he is able to, but I can tell you from experience, he has not finished grieving for his wife and he is not really ready to move on. If you are having these sorts of disagreements over his parenting (or perceived lack thereof), it WILL NOT get better by marrying him or staying in the house.
The 18 year old is in the driver’s seat and has no intention of abdicating her position -nor should she, dad is making a clear choice by allowing her to remain a stunted adolescent instead of gently encouraging her to move into adulthood by preparing herself for an independent life. He sees himself as a loving father instead of a parent who is holding his child back. I would advise you to make other living arrangements and see what happens. It may be the jolt he needs to move on and then man-up and help his child move on with her life. If not, you never really had him anyway.
(USA) I am widowed 7 years. Engaged and ready to remarry soon. I have the flag from my late husbands burial service, as he was a veteran. I have it in a display case. My fiance told me he understood I wanted to keep it but he is concerned about a lot of questions and his having to answer them over and over; which I understand that too. I am unsure the best thing to do about this flag. It means a lot to me, and it was such an honor for my late husband. At the same time, I never want to make my future husband uncomfortable. Any ideas?
(USA) Lynn, I have my husband’s flag also. He passed away 3 months ago. The flag will be my son’s one day. If I ever live or marry someone the flag will go with me. If someone has issues about that… then too bad. Your husband fought as mine did to get such an honor. It’s the American Flag. I keep mine on my mantle and it will stay there till my son gets a house and he wants it. Sorry you are having these issues with your new friend it shouldn’t be an issue at all.
(USA) I agree with Roseann. You should leave the flag on the mantle. Your intended should be able to deal with it as a fact – this is a part of your life, and whether the flag is on display or not will not change that fact.
Some personal experience here. My stepfather could not cope with the fact that my mother (who was married to my father for 29 years and had 4 children with him) had been married before and had lived 50 years before he showed up. It was a constant source of conflict. It shattered our family into a million pieces. We never had a comfortable family gathering after his appearance. My mother, God love her, took his side – she either loved him a lot or was very afraid of being alone and facing a divorce. Because of his lack of understanding and compassion, our relationships suffered greatly.
Perhaps you could explain to your intended very gently that this flag is a part of your history and your life, and he is marrying you – all of you. That includes your years with your veteran husband. Ask him to think about what it is he loves about you, and how you came to be the person you are.
By the same token, you should be able to accept his life before you as a part of him, of what made him the man you love.
Have you turned this over to our Lord? He wants us to bring Him all of our lives, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant (to us) the matter might be.
God bless you both, and may you work through this bump in the road.
(KENYA) Hi, I am a widow for 10 years now with four children aged 25,25,21,20. I have met a widower whose wife passed on 1 yr ago and has children aged 27, 24, 22, 16 we are arranging for a wedding this April.
Am i moving in the right direction? Some people say he has hurried, is it true.
(UNITED STATES) I am a 47 year old widow, my husband passed way suddenly last year. I am struggling with the desire date and the possibility of remarrying. My husband and I were very happy and I sometimes think I am looking for someone just like him to show up. It’s hard to know if your interest in a person is due to feeling lonely or is there a genuine connection.
I am also concerned what others will think since it has only been a little over a year since my husband died. I have never concerned myself with how others think, but now I do. I am also concerned that I don’t seek after someone that God has not sent into my life. How do you know when your heart is able to love again, because sometimes mine feels as if it’s still breaking? I just want to be happy and whole again. I am so tired of crying and feeling sad, I miss my husband and I know he wanted me to be happy but it’s so hard.
(USA) I was widowed suddenly after 28 years of marriage. It was a good marriage. Certainly we had our ups and downs, but we truly loved each other. I can relate to those feelings of heartbreak and loneliness. Sudden death is very hard on the survivors, but I am grateful that my husband did not suffer or linger is a debilitative state. I was young (48) and I, too, was tired of feeling sad and carrying around a heart that I did not believe would ever heal.
I recommend a couple of things. First find a support group for younger widowed people in your area if at all possible. Local churches and even funeral homes will sponsor them and should be free. It helps tremendously to sit in a room full of people just like you -young people who have lost a beloved spouse. You will share your stories, and telling the stories and hearing the stories really helps.
Second, recognize that true happiness must come from within. It is not other people or things that make us whole and happy, it is our satisfaction with our lives and our relationship with the Lord that will do that. If you keep him first, he will lead you to someone else who also puts him first and who will cherish you for who you are. Part of your heart will always be tender, but someday you will realize that you feel strong enough to carry that tenderness and it will no longer overwhelm you.
I wish I could tell you that in X amount of months you will feel better, but my experience was that it is sort of like the tide coming in and going out. Some days (hours, 5 minute increments, etc) are really good, and then a rough wave hits you and you feel the pain all over again. But, it does get better. Honor your tender heart, focus on the other things in your life that you love and allow yourself the time you need to get better, and you WILL get better. God bless you.
(USA) I would not worry about what anyone says but our Lord. What does He say? If He has sent this person to you, then go for it. Just make prayer an essential part of this decision.
May the Lord bless your decision.
(USA) Hi, I am a widow with a 10 yr old son and 2 older daughters. My husband died one year ago… he had cancer, was diagnosed and died only 23 days later. He was 11 years older than I. I have met a man, whom I spend a lot of time with now. I think he is going to ask me to marry him. At first, I had told him that I would never marry again, but now I feel I can’t live without him in my life. We are planning on moving in together this summer. Do you think I should wait longer? April made one year since my loving husband passed away.
(INDIA) Don’t deal with today’s situation about him. Wait and test him. Decide what could be his behavior after marriage? Because few men change their behavior, so be carefull and don’t be in a hurry.
(USA) I would caution you about moving in with him. You are going into territory that our Lord has staked out as forbidden. Please pray about this decision, and follow what the Lord tells you, not what your body or your fiance may have to say.
God bless you – please pray about this decision. The Lord will never tell you to commit sin or tell you it is ok to commit sin.
(ZIMBABWE) I am a lady aged 29 and a serious Christian. My husband passed away in 2006 after three years of marriage and we had a daughter, she is now six.
My major problem is of loneliness. In most cases after work I get home and get my daughter’s homework done and then after that go to bed and no one to talk to. I sometimes find it very difficult. I do have a boyfriend but I do not see his seriousness because he hardly calls or visits me. I sometimes think of quitting this relationship because it is not helping me in any way.
What will I do with this loneliness? Please help.
(INDIA) I became widow in 2010. LONELINESS is a curse. This I came to know after the death of my husband. I have two daughters and both of them are in the USA. I want to remarry but am afraid. Please suggest.
(ENGLAND) If you married someone in a church and then the married partner dies. You then want to get re-married. Can you remarry in the church?
(USA) We can’t think of any reason why not.
(ZAMBIA) I’m a widower of 46 years old. I lost my wife 3 months ago after she had given birth to a bouncing baby girl. She died of a complication called eclampsia. Together we had 4 children.
I have been praying to God, as well as consulting my Christian friend, for advice on what to do next. Recently, I met one sister in Christ in my local church and we seem to like each other so much. However, my fear is that she is not yet divorced from her husband, they are only on separation and it is now close to 2 years. Her husband is now married to another woman with two children in another town. When the relatives of the lady invited the man to discuss the way forward, the man declined their invitation. I really like this lady so much. What should I do? My friend says I should ignore her for fear that when the man hears my intention for the lady he may not receive the message in good faith.
(USA) We’re SO sorry for your loss of losing your precious wife and for the loss your children are experiencing in losing their mother –especially at such young ages. We’re so sad for all of you and pray the Lord helps and comforts you.
In looking at this Christian friend, although I can understand why you would want to find a wife and mother for your children, because of the awesome burden you are dealing with, this woman is still married. Being separated does NOT dissolve the marriage, even if her husband has appeared to move on. You need to put your attention elsewhere. She is not free legally, nor morally, to get caught up with someone else. And even if things progress on their own right away (without your interference) she still needs to work through her issues over this matter. By jumping into another relationship, it does not erase the emotional work that needs to be done to be properly healed from all that she has gone through. It would only cloud over the emotional and mental work she needs to do. Eventually, it would all come back up to the surface again and it could come up in very negative ways because she would have you and your family to deal with, as well (which involves their own adjustment issues).
Also, be careful in trying to find a wife so soon after your wife has died. You need to properly grieve your wife’s death and your children, grieve their mom’s death. Sometimes “substitutions” can work in life. But when it comes to replacing a person– someone who was loved and needed on so many levels, they can’t be pushed away so quickly. And if you say that you would still love your wife, and your children would still always love their mom — yes, you will, but is it fair to the new wife who would come in, to have to deal with such raw emotions, as well as adjusting to being marriage and the instant mom to 4 children? That’s quite a complicated situation. It would be better to give yourself some time for healing to have the time that is needed and then take your time in being very intentional and careful and prayerful in finding the right woman to become your wife. Please don’t rush this process. And please don’t look at a woman who is tied to another in some way. This woman is still married. And even if she’s freshly divorced, there are still soul ties that don’t untangle themselves as quickly as you and she may like.
As the Bible says, “There is a time for everything under Heaven.” But this seems more than a bit fast for this time to be a matured season to look for a new wife –especially with the woman you are looking at. I pray the best for you, given the very difficult situation you are grieving through and going through. May God bless you and your family.
(USA) My brother-in-law started dating this, seems to be very nice, lady within 3 mo. after my sister passed away. He was abusive to my sister/his wife throughout their whole marriage as well as to his children -my nieces & nephews. He is very self righteous & hypocritical.
He lives 1500+ miles away from me & my other 4 siblings. It had been less than 5 mo. & he asked to bring his girlfriend to our family functions. My brothers & sisters tell him that would be fine but we are all not comfortable with it. His girlfriend opted not to come to any of them and told him it was too soon for his deceased wife’s family to meet her. I agree.
He has since found out that I was going to visit my other sister that we just found 15 yrs ago and lives about 7 hrs from him. The sister had been given up for adoption at birth, and my brother-in-law has invited himself & his girlfriend to join us. He did ask if he could and I explained to him that I’d like to meet his girlfriend but that this trip is to have time with my sister & get to know her better, create some memories with her.
He still insists on at least meeting for dinner to meet his new girlfriend. I said ‘OK, as long as it’s just one dinner’ and reiterated that my 3 day visit is focused around me & my sister.
Now he is inviting himself to participate in our plans for 2 days and to my sister’s home. My sister doesn’t want him there, she barely knows him and he had no desire to spend time with her when his wife (my eldest sister) was alive. This is wrong to me that he has forced himself upon our time when our sister hasn’t even been gone for a year yet.
I don’t want to be rude to him but he is rather overbearing and pushy. It feels like he wants us to accept this woman as a replacement to our deceased sister. HELP! What do I do about his rudeness? And how do I keep the meeting to only one dinner while I’m visiting my other sister? Is there a book or something with advise that he can read about how wrong this is?
(USA) Pam, Are your nieces and nephews young and still living in your brother-in-law’s home? The reason I ask is that this is the only reason I can see why you would allow him to spend time with you in some way, since he has been such an abusive person. If they are, then he probably wouldn’t let you see them, if you didn’t in some way accommodate him. He is obviously, a controlling person who will work to control you, just as he did your sister, unless you put down some boundaries, which by the way, would be an EXCELLENT book for you to obtain and read and follow its principles, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life.
If your nieces and nephews are younger and you still want to be able to see them, then you may have to “entertain” him sometimes, but only in ways in which you have some type of control. If they’re grown, then you have no obligation — Christian, or otherwise, to allow him to push his way into your life. The Boundaries book will help you, whether your nieces and nephews are still in his parental control, or not. One way or the other, you still need to set up some boundaries or he’ll continue to stomp all over you, as he did your sister.
You truly have to know that an abusive person is all about control. And you do not have to me manipulated by his ideas of how things should be for you and for him. He is entirely insensitive to your family’s feelings and needs. You need to gather as a family and heal in your own way — not be manuevered around and pushed into doing things his way, rather than yours. He’s not your social police officer. I think you were OVERLY generous to allow him to have dinner with you. Frankly, I wouldn’t. I would tell him that you need that time to be between you and your sister and that you just can’t accommodate his desires concerning your time there. And I would hold steadfast to that. If he gets nasty about it, oh well. That’s his choice. You don’t have to be bullied around in the same way he abused your deceased sister. That was her choice to give in and this is yours.
I’m not trying to be cruel here, but as long as you give an inch, he will take it a mile. He is not being appropriate and you have no obligation to give into his control. If he is dating, I pity that gal. It’s too soon — especially for you (as you’ve expressed in your comment). Pray. Read the book. Pray. And see how God leads you and your family in the things you should and shouldn’t do, as it pertains to having further contact with him. If he was a loving, supportive husband to your sister who is deeply grieving now and wants to join with your family to do so, that is one thing. But he was abusive to her and your sister’s children and now he appears to be “moving on” with his life by dating another woman. He may be there, but you aren’t and you need to be firm in letting him know that. You are allowed to have the time and space you need from being pushed into seeing his new life.
Pam, I pray for your healing. I lost my brother a number of years ago and so I know what it is like to lose a sibling. It’s SO heartbreaking. I pray the Lord comforts you and helps you and your family and I pray the Lord gives you strength and discernment in handling your brother-in-law.
(USA) I am a 72 year old widow. Was in an abusive marriage and was bitter toward men. I have recently connected with a classmate and it seems as if this is God’s plan for us. We are planning to get married by a retired minister who is also a classmate of ours, but will not be getting a license. So in the eyes of the state we will not be legally married. Since my first marriage was not good, I would like to use my new husband’s name socially. Can I do this? I know I cannot take it for legal puposes.
(MALAWI) I am a widow who is considering remarrying. My wife died 5 years ago. I have found this material helpful. What will be the problems if a widow remarries a person who has not been married before and has no children?